Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Hashtag Philosophy / Just For Fun

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

November 21, 2016

Ready or not, Thanksgiving is here. The relatives are coming. Prepare now!

We hate to be the bearers of anxiety, but the family holiday season is here. We know how many of you do your best to avoid family all year long, especially extended family. The cousins were great playmates when you were kids, but now they’re annoying, frustrating, and occasionally even infuriating. They ask far too many questions, such as whatever happened to that date you brought with you last Thanksgiving. When they’re not asking prying questions, they’re giving you way too much information about their own lives. Did you really want to know how often one has to change the diapers on a baby with diarrhea? No, of course you didn’t.

Across the country, anxiety over the holidays leads to everything from shortness of breath to heart palpitations to the sudden onset of a very serious flu when you find out Aunt Mildred is bringing her infamous onion casserole. These feelings are so widespread that #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving is trending with such heavy input that I can’t keep up. Naturally, when I saw that, I shelved other plans I had for today and immediately started assembling some of the best advice I could find. After all, we would hate for anyone to suffer unnecessarily. If you’re going to suffer, make sure everyone else is even more uncomfortable than you are. Maybe that will be enough to keep them all home for the next family gathering sometime in December.

Not that we’re totally cynical, mind you. We’ll toss in some practical suggestions along the way. It’s up to you to determine which are serious, though. For all I know, maybe you should bring your own turkey baster. That’s totally up to you.

Suggestions from Twitter

There areally are some brilliant minds on Twitter at times and hashtag games such as this is when some of the best show up. I didn’t really want to take the time to sort through all the best, though, so here are some of the first ones that I thought were at least mildly amusing.

Everyone has a “crazy” Aunt who comes at Thanksgiving. If she’s not there this year, just assume it’s your mom. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving

— Matthew Kick (@MatthewKick) November 21, 2016

#SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving Wear a post it that reads: Yes I’m still single, works fine, no i don’t want to meet your sons friend #thanks

— Cornelius Applesauce (@almostamouthful) November 21, 2016

#survivalguidetothanksgiving Don’t be afraid to tell them “It’s a Dessert Wine !” when they find you in the closet drinking from a bottle.

— Uncle Haggis (@PIEKAKE1) November 21, 2016

Eat until you can’t move. Play dead until the dishes are done. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving

— Mark Lamprecht ن (@MarkALamprecht) November 21, 2016

#SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving anytime ur aunt says “Make America Great Again!” steal one item of food off her plate

— ileana fernandez (@ileanafdzz) November 21, 2016

A Bit Of Practical Advice

Fun and frivolity aside, there are some practical things you probably should do in preparation for spending a day with relatives. We have some suggestions here as well, but we’re saving those for the next section down. Here’s some of the best from what we culled from Twitter.

Two words: stretchy pants #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving https://t.co/9zDauyMYfV pic.twitter.com/AvugWcGTE6

— UGG (@UGG) November 21, 2016

#SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving spend it with someone else’s family. Offer to help clean up & they’ll love ya!

— Geaux Tide (@AngelaChelsey) November 21, 2016

Soup kitchens need volunteers, gratitude is a physical practice. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving

— Biggons (@BIGGONSanything) November 21, 2016

Taping a sprig of parsley to your bottle of Wild Turkey gives it a festive flair #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving

— Darren Huxter (@darren_huxter) November 21, 2016

“@voguemagazine: How to keep things civil @ the dinner table this Thanksgiving: https://t.co/ND0nP2IdGe. #SurvivalGuideToThanksgiving“

— ((( Xuan ))) (@UncleTacoMan) November 21, 2016

Now For The Good Stuff

There are plenty of ideas out there that are worth sharing. We were surprised, however, that we didn’t see some of the more obvious suggestions. Sure, there were multiple takes on drinking as much as possible and leaving in earphones and keeping your mouth full. What we missed were some of the more certain ways to make the holiday memorable and increase your chances of not being invited to the next one. So, here’s what we have to offer.

Arrive early. We’re not kidding. Arrive a couple of hours early. Blame insomnia or a bad clock or maybe even say that since your homeless this year you didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Go early and make sure you don’t stop talking. If you can avoid taking a breath, do so. You don’t want to give anyone a chance to get a word in edge-wise. This way, everyone will be so tired of you by the time dinner is over you can leave immediately and everyone else will be truly thankful.
Offer to help in the kitchen and then “accidentally” drop the dishes you know no one actually wants to eat, such as Cousin Laverne’s caramel-covered asparagus casserole. Laverne might be devastated, but everyone else in the family will thank you.
Do your own play-by-play for the football game you’re listening to on your phone, not the one everyone is watching on television. If they’re truly football fans, they’ll appreciate the extra effort you’re putting into the holiday.
Bring your own paper plate and plastic utensils. Tell everyone you’ve heard that there’s a really bad case of hand-foot-and-mouth disease going around and you’re not taking any chances. Notice how everyone gives you a 10-foot safety barrier the rest of the day.
Fill your pockets with candy and distribute it freely to all your nieces, nephews, and second cousins. Make sure they all get plenty of sugar. Then leave before their parents have a chance to kill you.
Practice binge eating the first to days of the week then fast 24 hours before the meal. This stretches your stomach so that you can eat more on Thanksgiving day and makes sure you’re hungry enough to down an extra helping of gravy.
Remember to make sure that you have plenty of all your medication to get you through the entire weekend. You’re not getting anywhere near a pharmacy this weekend. Besides, there’s no Black Friday sale on Valium.
Get down the scrapbook and brush up on all your cousins’ names, or at least the ones they were using before they went into the witness protection program.
Bring your dog. No, not the tiny cute one that lives in your purse and thinks it’s a dog. Bring the rottweiler or the saint bernard. You know, something that will clear the table of food before anyone human can be poisoned.
Slip a bottle of ipecac into your pocket. You never know when you’ll need to fake the flu—or take evasive action against food poisoning. Either way, it will get you out of having to endure family the rest of the day.
Dress like a turkey and accuse everyone else at the table of cannibalism. Hold the roasted turkey in your arms lovingly and chant, “Foul Lives Matter!”
Pretend you just got a job at Target and have to be at work by 6:00.
Pull out your shotgun and while you’re cleaning it explain to the children in the room exactly how you tracked down that big ol’ turkey and BOOM, blew it’s ever-loving head right off. No one will challenge you for the drumsticks now.
Remind everyone, again, that they did not have jellied cranberry sauce at the original thanksgiving and that the entire holiday is a complete sham unless the family massacres the neighbors the next day.
Pray for peace and then throw hard rolls at Cousin Elmer for not closing his eyes during the prayer.

I could probably come up with more and if you need additional help just let me know and I’m sure we can come up with something to fit your specific situation. Personally, I’m doing the cooking here. I’m not waiting for the tryptophan to kick in with the kids, though. I’m loading the stuffing with sleeping pills. We WILL have a quiet afternoon one way or the other.

Hope this helps. Have a great holiday!!

Just For Fun / pop culture / PotD

Hosting Thanksgiving Without Hosting Politics

November 19, 2016

Thanksgiving with family is great until someone starts talking politics. Let’s avoid that, shall we?

Here we are, less than a week before Thanksgiving, and this year everyone’s coming to your house. Sounds fun, doesn’t it, doing all that cooking, seeing the nieces and nephews, listening to Uncle Bud talk about SEC football while Grandma Marian goes on about her hip replacement surgery? I bet you can hardly wait for everyone to get there. This is when families are at their most fun. Cousins who haven’t seen each other in a year playing in the yard, brothers and sisters reminiscing about when they were kids, and more food than anyone ever needs to eat. I remember those Thanksgivings nostalgically, though we’ve not actually had one in several years.

The problem with Thanksgiving, or any family get-together, comes when someone says something, perhaps innocently, that reveals a political rift within the family. Almost every family has someone who doesn’t agree with the majority opinion. If they decide that someone’s statement is offensive to them, then the arguments begin and it doesn’t matter how good the turkey was, all anyone remembers is the year Uncle Bud bashed Aunt Noreen in the head with that lamp. I’m the liberal in a family of conservatives so I just avoid family Thanksgiving down in Wichita. I’m sure we’re all happier that way.

Not everyone shows such discretion, however, and if your family is one of those whose Thanksgivings turn into an annual knock-down, drag-out, pay-per-view event live streamed by the teenaged cousins, we’re here to help. Never mind that the first Thanksgiving almost certainly wasn’t a religious event and was probably more of a harvest festival. Ignore the fact that the alleged friendliness of the Pilgrims was little more than a prelude to murder. Let those discussions happen elsewhere. What matters is that you and your house survive Thanksgiving intact.

Preparing Your Home

Distraction is the name of the game in a politics-free Thanksgiving. What is important is that you remove as many possible reminders of the presidential election as possible. Tempers are still short. Feelings are still hurt. Forks are a weapon. So, start wth the simple things such as removing any political signs from your yard, especially if your side won. No one likes it when the other side gloats. They’ll be in a bad mood before they get out of the car if they see a Trump or Clinton sign in your yard. Instead, just don’t rake the leaves. The kids will enjoy playing in them and the adults will either reminisce about how they used to do the same, or gripe about how you’re a bad neighbor for not taking care of your lawn. Either way, it’s not politics. You’re winning so far.

Next, hide anything of value and do NOT light candles for any reason whatsoever. What you want to avoid is giving anyone an easy weapon. Rather than using the fine china handed down from your great-great-grandmother, use paper plates. By all means, use plastic utensils rather than the silverware that’s been in the family for generations. You certainly don’t want to risk Aunt Josephine’s hair getting too close to an open flame, either. The woman uses a full can of Aqua-Net on that beehive of judgment. One little spark and she’s the flambé. This, of course, will get your relatives talking about the fact you wouldn’t let them use the family relics and that your house smells like dog poop. Again, better than politics.

Worst-case-scenario, should you get wind that Uncle Bud just can’t wait to light into his Hillary-supporting sister-in-law, you can take preventative measures by connecting a small electrical charge to the doorknob on the front door. The relatives you like can be told to use the backdoor. Everyone else gets a shocking greeting. Don’t make the shock too hard, mind you. You don’t want to spend the day at the hospital after Grandma’s pacemaker gives her an unexpected jolt. Just make it enough to hurt like fucking hell and send a clear message that their hate is not wanted in your house. They’ll be talking about you for years.

Prepare Yourself

I’ve always been an advocate of attending family events naked. This is especially true if you’re male because, no matter how good you look, no one in your family wants to see that. Open the door in your birthday suit and watch how quickly everyone suddenly remembers that they promised to spend this Thanksgiving with the other side of the family. The only problem with this approach is that Thanksgiving day often turns out to be on the chilly side. While one can turn up the heat to a comfortable temperature inside, the frequent blasts of cold air that come with greeting your guests is going to make matters all the more uncomfortable for everyone.

An alternative to being naked would be to dress otherwise inappropriately. Pajamas come to mind, especially the kind with feet in them. Dress your entire immediate family that way so that when extended family arrives they think they missed an email or something, which is probably cousin Jennifer’s fault because she always was a stuck-up sort of brat who never let anyone play with her dolls. No pajamas? Go with something sheer or low-cut, something that shows some side boob. Again, this is much more effective if one is male. If you’re female it just makes cousin Horace’s drooling problem that much worse.

Hair and makeup also come into play here. Specifically, if you’re female don’t wear any and, by all means, don’t bother brushing your hair. You want everyone to know how hard you’ve been slaving over this dinner, staying up late to bake pies every night this week, and wrestling with those homemade rolls. Just make sure you’ve hidden all the boxes from the store before you do so. If you’re male, though, you need to go the opposite direction. Open the door with a full face of makeup AND a full beard and everyone immediately forgets that there even was an election this year. Arguably, one has to have a rather thick skin to actually use any of these tactics. Family is going to be telling stories about you for generations. It’s worth it, though, to avoid the uncivil political discussions that tear a family apart.

Prepare Your Food

Everyone shows up for Thanksgiving expecting the regular menu, which Uncle Bob is sure was ordained by God and handed down from the Pilgrims themselves. There has to be roast turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, homemade rolls, cranberry sauce, and enough green bean casserole to last until Christmas. This is what they’re expecting when they come to your house. This, however, is not what you’re going to give them. Trust me, altering the menu is the quickest and easiest way to direct the conversation away from politics and toward the food.

What’s critical here, though, is that the food has to actually be good. If you’re going to go altering the same Thanksgiving menu the family has had since great-grandma crossed the plains in her bare feet, you have to get it right. Consider trying a Moroccan-Spiced Turkey with Aromatic Orange Pan Jus instead of the traditional shove-it-in-the-oven-and-pray turkey. This blend of spices is going to catch everyone by surprise and leaves a pleasant yet lively taste in your mouth. Then, to really throw everyone off, replace the green bean casserole of death with something like Quinoa Salad with Pistachios and Currants or maybe even Whole Roasted Carrots with Black Lentils and Green Harissa. In place of all those starchy potatoes that no one really needs, try Honey-Roasted Butternut Squash or Acorn Squash with Pomegranate and Kale Tabbouleh. Top all that with something along the lines of Grapefruit Granita with Pear-and-Pom Relish and Cherry-Port Cranberry Sauce and tongues should be wagging when their mouths aren’t full.

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually tried any of those recipes. There will only be five of us at our Thanksgiving dinner and two of those are well-indoctrinated children. I did look over all the recipes, though, and don’t find anything that seems horribly unrealistic, depending upon one’s personal tastes. I may try something along the lines of the Moroccan-spaced turkey and honey-roasted butternut squash just sounds amazing. No one here is going to be upset about messing with any tradition, though.

I also heartily recommend spiking everything possible. The punch. The tea. The coffee. The cranberry sauce. Getting everyone a little bit tipsy without getting them quite drunk puts everyone more at ease, especially if your family doesn’t normally drink. Then, in states where it is legal, adding a fair amount of a certain green herb to your dishes is not a bad idea, either. No one is going to argue if they’re all passed out on the couch. Mind you, we’re not advocating anyone break any laws (much), but if you live in Colorado, Washington, Oregon, California, or some other weed-friendly locale, you can find some herb-based recipes here.

We all know the holidays are stressful and arguments about politics just make everything that much worse. When you’re the one hosting, it’s not like you can gather up the kids and just leave when matters get heated. So, take my advice and prepare for a holiday where there is so many other things to talk about that no one gives a second thought to politics.

You’re welcome.

Just For Fun / PotD

Halloween Is The Time To Explore Erotic Fantasies

October 27, 2016

charles i. letbetter - halloween is time to explore erotic fantasies

The interesting thing is how one guy, through living out his own fantasies, is living out the fantasies of so many other people. —Hugh Hefner

charles i. letbetter - halloween is a time to explore erotic fantasies

Halloween has long been a time for adults to indulge their fantasies

I was a little surprised when I went to check what day the city would allow trick-or-treating. With Halloween falling on a Monday this year, I wouldn’t have been surprised had Saturday, or even Friday been chosen for the annual costumed candy grab. Doing the neighborhood walk thing on a Monday night isn’t really all that bad, I suppose. Sure, it keeps kids up a little past their bedtimes on a school night, but I recall doing the exact same thing when we were kids. The difference is that my brother and I were never rushed through the ritual so that our parents could get to their own party. For many kids today, Mom and Dad can’t wait to get the little ones to bed so the adults can do some partying of their own.

Halloween as an adult party time isn’t new. Since the mid-80s, it has often seemed as though October 31 is more of an adult holiday than it is for kids. Night clubs go all out with special events and costume shops have more “sexy” ideas for adults than they do cartoon characters for kids. The costumed rituals around viewings of Rocky Horror Picture Show got things started. Then, the movie Eyes Wide Shut with Tom Cruise and Nichole Kidman ignited the concept of secret erotic costume parties and adults everywhere took the idea and ran with it.

We like the idea of having one time a year where we can indulge our more erotic fantasies without necessarily revealing our identities. What better time to explore?

Women Taking The Lead

One of the reasons Halloween has continued to be a popular adult party is because women have increasingly taken the lead in exploring their more erotic fantasies. Let’s face it, of all the “sexy” costumes out there, most are for women. This isn’t just because women have embraced the concept, but also the fact that, sadly, too many guys think that showing off their junk is sexy. Sorry guys, it’s not and it never will be. Since too many men are clueless when it comes to erotic fantasies, women have dominated the topic and take charge of directing the conversation.

Since women’s sexuality is their focus, the folks over at lelo.com asked women to rank their sexual fantasies. Here’s where the poll current stands as I’m writing:

Oral sex.
Submission.
Bondage.
Threesomes
Anal sex.
Exhibitionism.
Exploring Bicuriosity.
Pegging (manual prostate massage).
Domination
Orgies

A couple of things about that list are worth notice. First, it is a live poll so rankings change based on the people participating. Second, there’s nothing that prohibits men from voting as well, so the rankings could be skewed in a few places. This isn’t a scientific poll so the level of trustworthiness isn’t all that high.

Still, what the poll does show us is that women’s fantasies are changing and that they are definitely something they want to explore. The best-selling book 50 Shades of Grey is likely at least partially responsible for Submission and Bondage ranking so high on the poll at the moment, but these have always been a portion of the content of women’s fantasies. Why do you think the book sold so well in the first place? Fantasies, not the presence of great literature, propelled the book to the top of sales charts. Women have some imaginative fantasies and enjoy being in charge of fulfilling them.

Halloween Is The Right Time

If we’re so big on exploring our fantasies, though, why do we wait until Halloween to do anything about them? Blame a very judgmental and sexist society. While almost everyone enjoys letting their freaky side out every once in a while, we’re fearful of being “outed” for our sexual proclivities. Women get the worst of it. Slut-shaming has long been a problem in our society; one that starts even in elementary school and gets worse from there. Anyone who publicly displays any level of sexual indulgence is ridiculed, mocked, and socially derided. Not exactly a good atmosphere for trying something new and possibly kinky.

The costumed craziness of Halloween gives us a chance to play around a bit without all the risks. If everyone is being a little freaky then one person’s indulgences aren’t as likely to stand out as much. Clever costumes can even allow one a level of denial if ever charged with behavior not typically acceptable in a public setting. The erotic charge of the holiday has become common enough that any out-of-the-ordinary behavior is easily excused. “We were just goofing off, playing around,” are words often heard on November 1.

The thing about fantasies is that we’re not always sure we’ll really like them if we try them. Halloween gives us a chance to explore without being fully committed. Yet, what happens at Halloween can develop into a lot more than just “playing around.” Indulging in our fantasies can be freeing not only on a sexual level, but in our relationships as well. What starts hidden behind a mask can ultimately help us define who we are. We have the potential to find new strengths and hidden pleasures we didn’t know existed.

A Little Preparation

Not every fantasy is one that a person just jumps into by donning a costume. Just as there are things we do to protect our children while they’re out trick-or-treating, there are precautions adults should take before jumping head-first into a fantasy they’ve never tried. A little reading and a lot of communication with your partner(s) is generally a safe place to start.

Again, the folks at Lelo have some good suggestions for those just starting out.

if you’re unsure about oral sex, check out this article as well as this one.
Interested in submission? I strongly suggest you start by reading this article.
Bondage requires some caution, so read this before giving it a try.
Before even thinking about a threesome, you want to consider these details.
Anal sex can be painful if not done correctly. Read this before you go there.
Exhibitionism is more than just flashing the bouncer. You need to read this.
Bicurious? Chances are you have a friend who can help but if you’re shy then take a look at this.
Pegging also requires some care and caution. Please read this and talk to your partner before trying anything new.
47% of women fantasize about being dominant. For some, it’s easy. For everyone else, start here.
Orgies can be loads of fun, but there are both rules and cautions one needs to heed.

With a little planning, Halloween can be a wonderfully expressive opportunity for you to explore and try new things. We all need an opportunity to indulge our more erotic thoughts. Decide on what you want to try, choose a creatively erotic costume, and have fun! The best treats are the ones that leave a smile on your face the next morning. Enjoy!

Current Issues / PotD

Sleeping Right Through History

October 23, 2016

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. —Dave Barry

When we sleep through historic events, what we are missing is the chance to tell a story

Won for the ages: After years of waiting and suffering, Cubs are in World Series declared the banner headline on this morning’s Chicago Tribune. The excitement is palpable across social media. It’s been 75 years since the baseball’s Chicago Cubs played in a World Series, even longer since they actually won one. There was yelling, screaming, and excitement all over the place.

I slept right through it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve slept through history. I missed the first Apple commercial in 1984. I missed Bill Clinton’s appearance on the Arsenio Hall show in 1992. The Supreme Court decision that decided the 2000 election? Yep, I was asleep when that came down. Slept right through Saddam Hussein’s capture in 2003 as well. Sleeping through history is something I’ve become quite good at doing, and I’m reasonably sure that I’m not the only one who does so. I know because Kat was sleeping right next to me when the Cubs won last night.

On some level, sleeping through historic events is common. After all, we have to sleep. We can’t always anticipate that something historic is going to happen. The Cubs have been letting us down and choking on the big game for 75 years. What reason was there to think that last night would be any different?

At the same time, though,sleeping through events of global importance deprives us of one of the most exciting experiences in the human condition: telling a story.

Culling Through History

A fair portion of the time, we have good reason to sleep through what is being called a historic event. When something is actually happening, we don’t always know if it is something that history is going to bother remembering. For example, when we think of school shootings the one that continues to be the most important, historically, is Columbine. Why? The country was shaken to its core. We, collectively, had never imagined that such a thing was even possible. However, there has been 31 school shooting since Columbine. Each, in their own way, could claim some historical significance, but history itself doesn’t remember them because they became too commonplace.

Historic events are sometimes obvious. The assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and John Lennon, for example. The Challenger explosion would be another. Certainly, the events of 9/11 fall into that category. Something so massive, so startling, is immediately etched in our brains the moment they happen we know they’re important.

Others, however, sneak up on us when we’re not paying attention. As Hurricane Katrina approached the Gulf Coast, forecasters attempted to warn residents, and the government, that this storm was stronger than anything we’d seen before. Too many people didn’t listen. Governors didn’t listen and force evacuations that could have saved lives. The federal government didn’t listen and as a result, aid was slow in arriving. Citizens of affected areas didn’t listen to the warnings, tried riding out a storm that couldn’t be ridden. Because we weren’t expecting the hurricane to be historic, the nation tried sleeping through it and was knocked right out of our comfortable beds.

Perhaps we can be forgiven for sleeping through some historic events. Our lives are full trying to handle every-day events. We are too tired to handle the big stuff. When we sleep through moments of great significance, though, we miss out on more than we expect.

Living To Tell The Tale

I remember talking with my father about the events of December 7, 1941. He was still a child on that fateful morning, but he still remembered quite clearly the response of those around him: everyone was scared. The men were torn. They shared a farm and if they all joined the military, which they were inclined to do, then who would handle the 500 acres that provided the only source of income for five families? Those with older children were concerned about sending them off to fight an unfamiliar enemy. Since news moved much slower during that era, anxiety ran high as the future of the nation seemed uncertain.

Being alive when a historic event takes place doesn’t always change our own lives directly. We don’t always see things then as they turn out. I remember the Watergate Scandal, for example. The only way in which it directly affected my life was that the televised hearings preempted my afternoon cartoon shows. I was less upset that the President of the United States had committed a crime and more pissed off that I was missing Popeye the Sailor and Roadrunner. I remember watching Hank Aaron break Babe Ruth’s homerun record. While it was exciting, there was also a sense of relief. Network news programs had regularly interrupted whatever was showing every time Aaron came up to bat for what seemed like a month (it was only a few days) before he hit that ball. We were glad the constant interruptions were over.

Regardless of our perspective on an event, however, we still come away with a story that is worth telling. If anything, it is the wide-ranging differences of our perspectives that making listening to those stories so great. We can get the historical facts of an event from any history book or a quick bit of research on the Internet. To truly understand the emotion of an event, though, we need to listen to the stories of the people who witnessed those events. Without those stories, our understanding of history is rather empty and void of context.

Our Own Historical Record

One of my favorite radio programs is the Moth Radio Hour. The Moth isn’t a news program and it’s not really a matter of commentary, either. The Moth is people telling stories, real stories, not fiction, in front of a live audience. These stories relate to us things that happened around historic events in people’s lives. While the event itself might not have made the news, it was important to the history of the person telling the story. So, an astronaut explains what it feels like to be in space for the first time. Another story is a woman telling about her search for her signature scent. A military veteran relates the rigors of Honor Guard training.

All the stories we tell are important to history because it is our stories, the explanations of how we felt, what we saw, how we were affected, that gives context and meaning to the cold, dry facts of history. If the generations that come after us are to learn any lessons from the history that has come before them, they need more than history books. They need our stories, yours and mine, to give them a sense of why an event was so very important and why they need to pay attention and learn.

What happens when we do not tell those stories? Our history is empty. We know events occurred, but we fail to understand them. We know the fight for civil rights was challenging, but we don’t understand that battle until we listen to the stories of people like John Lewis, who was there next to Dr. King, who was arrested and beaten, who was sprayed with the fire hoses. We know the dustbowl era affected migration to California, but to hear my Uncle Fred tell about his decision to pack up and move injects the sorrow and pain of that momentous event make the experience real.

We need these stories.

Sharing Our Own History

When it’s all said and done, the fact that I slept right through last night’s game is probably not significant to the global understanding of history. Baseball and I aren’t that close. Other events, though, require that I stay awake. The evening of November 8 would be a good example. No matter how one slices it, this election has important historical significance. We need to be awake not just because we need to know the outcome. We need to be paying attention because there will come a day when our stories will be an important part of the historical narrative of our country.

Sharing our stories, whether through the centuries-honored oral tradition or through creating a video for social media, is an important part of history. We need more than dates and numbers and names. Those who come behind us need to know why we vote the way we do, how our lives are affected, and how we adjust our plans based on the outcome. History is not something we watch happen. History is something we experience, even if it is passive.

We need to stay awake. Our stories are important. Make sure you tell yours.

science / Social Commentary

Creatives & Addiction: Rethinking Our Approach

October 22, 2016

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism. —Carl Jung

charles i. letbetter - creative & addiction: re-thinking our approach

Recent changes in the definition of addiction should have us re-thinking how we respond to addicts. [photo concept and makeup by Sasha Starz]

I’m not sugar-coating this one for you: addiction among creatives is too common and too frequently undiagnosed. Even when it is diagnosed, it has previously been almost impossible to “cure.” Some handle it better than others, but we’ve lost too many, from Janis Joplin to Amy Winehouse and, apparently, even Prince. And those are just the names you recognize. I’ve seen addiction in photographers old and young, ruining creative lives before their full vision is ever realized. Writers seem to be especially prone to addiction. I’ve had several tell me they couldn’t even start to write without being high or being drunk.

I’ve always taken a hard line in my attitude toward addicts. I don’t like them. I don’t want them around. Addiction is something I’ve always seen as a weakness, a fundamental flaw in one’s character. If you know you have a problem with something, stay away. Understanding how anything can control someone to such a fatal degree is not something I’ve been able to do. I try to be sympathetic for those struggling, but I tend to blame them for their own problems.

Now, the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) has me re-thinking my disdain for addicts. As it turns out, taking such a hard line has probably been exactly the opposite of what those people have needed. Shoving them into rehab facilities might not have been as productive as we thought. 12-step groups could possibly be completely misdirected.

Maybe we were all wrong.

A New Definition

Addiction is a chronic brain disorder and not simply a behavior problem involving alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex. That’s the direction the ASAM is now taking in regard to addiction. Stop and think about that for a moment. Addiction is a chronic brain disorder. Let that sink in. All these years, we’ve been looking at addiction as a character flaw, perhaps a psychological psychosis brought about by some childhood trauma or something. We have ultimately looked at addiction as a choice one makes and faulted them for making that choice.

Here’s the first part of the ASAM’s short definition of addiction:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Make special note of the use of the word “chronic.” That’s important. “Chronic” puts addiction is the same class as heart disease and diabetes. “Chronic” means that it’s not going to go away. Either one deals with addiction their entire life, religiously, continually, or they risk dying. There is no cure. There is only treatment and without that treatment, the disease gets worse.

Obviously, there’s some disagreement with this definition. Therapeutical psychologists, the folks who make their living getting one to lie on their couch at $500 an hour, don’t care much for this definition because it means their attempts to treat addiction as a psychosis is misdirected. One is not an addict because their father slapped them when they were four-years-old or because they didn’t get the bicycle they wanted when they were seven. Instead, genetic factors are responsible about half the time. We’ve been looking at this totally wrong.

A Personal Story

Mark Cummings was one of the best young photographers I ever knew. We first met out on assignment, both of us covering the same event for different entities. He was sharp, funny, and had an incredible eye for seeing things that everyone else was missing. He noticed, for example, that one particular Senator from Oklahoma always had his shoes untied. Always. He caught the look of burnout in a young pop star whose label was pushing her too hard. Mark infuriated editors because he didn’t capture the image they wanted to see. Instead, he captured a dark reality that was unnerving.

Mark also had an addiction to alcohol. He carried a flask of whiskey in his camera bag. Always. He would have another in his car, a third in his suitcase, and kept a bottle hidden in his office. Mark started the day with a shot of whiskey in his coffee, then dropped the coffee by 10. In the three years that I knew him, I don’t think I ever saw him sober. He was functional. He took fantastic pictures. Mark Cummings was never sober.

Cummings wasn’t one to admit he’d had too much. Truth was, most days he was over the legal blood alcohol limit by noon. One evening, after being yelled at for over an hour by his editor for “wasting” five rolls of film and not getting anything printable, Mark was “extra thirsty.” When I saw him, he was already six glasses in. I stayed for two more and tried to get him to share the cab ride home with me. He wouldn’t leave.

I received the phone call early the next day. About three hours after I left, and who knows how much more whiskey, Mark put his head down on the bar, fell off his bar stool, and died from alcohol poisoning. Another brilliant photographer, gone.

Understanding The Problem

Again, quoting from the long definition of addiction from the ASAM:

Addiction affects neurotransmission and interactions within reward structures of the brain, including the nucleus accumbens, anterior cingulate cortex, basal forebrain and amygdala, such that motivational hierarchies are altered and addictive behaviors, which may or may not include alcohol and other drug use, supplant healthy, self-care related behaviors. Addiction also affects neurotransmission and interactions between cortical and hippocampal circuits and brain reward structures, such that the memory of previous exposures to rewards (such as food, sex, alcohol and other drugs) leads to a biological and behavioral response to external cues, in turn triggering craving and/or engagement in addictive behaviors.

Understand, two decades of neurological research have gone into formulating this definition. Mark, along with every other creative addict we’ve known, was repeatedly told he had “a problem.” What he should have been told was that he had a neurological disease, one for which there is no cure, only treatment. I can’t say that would have saved Mark. He was stubborn, as a log of addicts are. It would have, however, made a difference in how everyone responded to him.

The causes of addiction are worth noting as well. Again, from ASAM:

When persons with addiction manifest problems in deferring gratification, there is a neurological locus of these problems in the frontal cortex. Frontal lobe morphology, connectivity and functioning are still in the process of maturation during adolescence and young adulthood, and early exposure to substance use is another significant factor in the development of addiction. Many neuroscientists believe that developmental morphology is the basis that makes early-life exposure to substances such an important factor.

There’s a lot more that I encourage you to read on the ASAM website.

Our Response Is Part Of The Solution

Dr. Michael Miller, past president of ASAM who oversaw the development of the new definition, states, “… we have to stop moralizing, blaming, controlling or smirking at the person with the disease of addiction, and start creating opportunities for individuals and families to get help and providing assistance in choosing proper treatment.”

When I think of all the times we’ve gotten it wrong, I want to cry. We blamed Mark for being a drunk, for not taking responsibility for his “habit.” His boss tried to control Mark’s drinking by pairing him with writers who would confiscate any alcohol they found. People would laugh at him when he couldn’t stand or took pictures too blurred to tell what they were. Every last one of those responses was wrong.

We have to change our way of thinking about addiction. If someone has a stroke you don’t laugh at them, do you? Should a friend you’re with suddenly have a heart attack, are you going to tell them they need to do something about that problem and walk away? No, you help them get help. Addicts are exactly the same. While the choice to get help is ultimately their own, we have to guide them toward professionals who genuinely understand the problem. While a 12-step program might help, they need a lot more than just a weekly meeting or two.

The ASAM states:

Recovery from addiction is best achieved through a combination of self-management, mutual support, and professional care provided by trained and certified professionals.

Each year, we lose too many wonderfully creative people to addiction. Help them get help. The ASAM can help connect you or a friend with the appropriate professional. Let’s stop treating addiction as just “a problem” and treat it like the disease that it is. Let’s do more to save our addicted friends. The world needs their creativity.

Photography / PotD

Photography Nightmares: What We’re Really Thinking

October 22, 2016

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world. —Jay London

Photographers love most of our clients, but the nightmares come when unreasonable requests are made

We like you. We really, really like you. Photographers love their clients, especially repeat clients who keep coming back for portraits or other special imagery. We love clients who understand the value of what we do, who don’t keep needling us when it takes longer than expected to finish their pictures, and especially the ones who tell their friends that they need to use us as well. These are the people for whom we might consider bending the rules every once in a while, and for whom we’ll at least consider their more outrageous requests.

Then, there are the nightmares. These are the clients who are never satisfied with their pictures, the ones who question your quality, whether you even know what you’re doing, and claim that their four-year-old could do better. We stay up at night fearing the client who trashes us to their friends, but then comes back again and has the audacity to ask for a discount or special service that you don’t normally offer. These are not nice people.

Yet, as professionals, we are supposed to take the nightmares with a grain of salt, keep a smile on our face, and attempt to say no to their requests while re-directing them back to our stated policies. I was amused earlier this week when a sponsored article popped up in my Facebook newsfeed offering a chart with answers to the most common objections photographers face. The chart was created by Joy Vertz, a portrait photographer based in Mequon, Wisconsin. The advice she gives is solid. However …

What We Say Isn’t Always What We’re Thinking

Ms. Vertz is one of those lovely, positive, go-get-’em people who doesn’t take no for an answer. She smiles, redirects, restates, and closes the sale. She’s successful both in terms of her own photography business and also with helping other photographers who are struggling. I’ve never met her, but I’m sure she’s a wonderfully nice person who could sell a block of ice to a resident of the South Pole. Some people just have that right attitude for selling.

The rest of us, however, struggle with closing sales. Not all of us are natural-born salespeople. In fact, the more creative we are, the more difficult it can be for us to function in a business capacity. We work best when someone else handles all the sales closing stuff, leaving us to take the pictures and be creative and occasionally do some really amazing work. Dealing with anyone who is the slightest bit contrarian isn’t our strong point.

As I was reading through Ms. Vertz’s list of objections, I couldn’t help thinking, “Yes, that’s what you should say, but that’s not what I would be thinking.” I’m one of those people who does better when Kat closes the sale. She’s friendly, cheerful, and can keep a smile on her face even when talking to a complete idiot. I can’t. Stupid people make me want to throw things. So, I thought it might be fun, since it’s Saturday and if you’re reading this after 8:00 AM you’re probably not out shooting today, to consider what we would actually like to say to clients who cause us nightmares. The objections come from Ms. Vertz’s list. I don’t have time to address them all, but this should be enough to make my point.

You are too expensive. I can’t afford you.

Wrong. You don’t want to pay me for the value of my work. You want a discount. You always want a discount. Yet, you’ll pay $8 for that freakin’ latte you’re holding. You down what, three of those a day? I’m not too expensive, you just have really lousy priorities, are selfish, and fail to value anyone in the service industries. Go away. I don’t have time for you.

I just want a disk of images

Why? Because you want to share them online (which is fine if you’ve paid for the disc) or because you want to take them to the drug store and get really crappy prints instead of paying my prices? Or even worse, you’re not going to try printing them on your home inkjet, are you? After I’ve spent hours getting the tonal and color quality of your images just right, you’re going to ruin them by printing on some non-calibrated crappy little no-name printer you picked up at a garage sale? And then you’ll complain because the pictures don’t “look right.” Please.

Just put them online for us to look at

Damn, you’re lazy. If you think I’m going to wait around for months while you do everything but choose your proofs, you’re crazy. Make a decision already. Chances are you’re going to go with your first choice, anyway. Better yet, let me decide for you. You’re too distracted to pay attention to what you’re doing. You’re giving me a headache.

[By the way, Joy’s answer to this one is spot on: To have an online gallery is $500 which applies 100% to your order placed within 1 week. It is $25 for each additional week. ]

What is the cheapest way I can get an image for Facebook?

Take a fucking selfie like everyone else? Pay for a session and we’ll happily give you permission to use the finished photos online with appropriate credit. Re-edit the picture or fail to give credit, though, and I’m SO going to bitch. Okay, not really, but I’ll think bad thoughts about you and complain about you to my dog.

Can I see all the photos?

Uhm, no. Part of my job is to make you look good. You know, remove the blemishes from things like really bad acne, or removing those horrid dark circles from under your eyes because you don’t sleep, eat horribly, smoke like a fucking chimney, and drink three bottles of wine a night. You come here wanting me to make you look flawless and glamorous like a model. So no, I’m not showing you all the photos.

You don’t mind that I brought all of our cousins along, do you?

Uhm, YES! First of all, pull those kids off the props. This is not a fucking playground. Do I look like someone who has the patience of a preschool teacher? You do realize there’s no way I’m getting five toddlers all looking in the same direction at the same time, even if I had a puppy. I’m going to need half a bottle of scotch after we finish this one and you had damn well better buy the largest package we offer. Your child just peed on my carpet. I hate you.

We really love our clients.

Of course, we would never actually say any of those things to anyone’s face. We do our best to be polite and nice and not curse too much in front of children. At least two-thirds of our clients are really wonderful people. We enjoy working with them. However, we keep having nightmares. Every photographer I know has nightmares.

If you look on our home page, where we describe our services, we provide the instruction: Please be sure to communicate your needs fully to avoid any surprises. One of those surprises is that we will charge an additional fee to clients who are especially difficult. If someone is going to be a complete pain-in-the-ass, they’re going to pay for that experience.

Now you know what we’re thinking. Be a good client, not a nightmare. Thank you.

Advertising / Art / studio nudes / video

Waste Of A Perfectly Good Afternoon

October 21, 2016

How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness, how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon? —Dr. Seuss

If we’re going to waste a perfectly good afternoon we might as well do it with something good

Friday afternoons are notorious time wasters. One is either rushing to get something done by the end of the day, or one is putting everything off until Monday. Oh, and then there are the Friday’s where one can’t get anything done because you need the approval of someone who decided to take the afternoon off. Never fails. Now, if you’re one of those people who should be rushing to meet a deadline, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS ARTICLE? Geeze, get back to work already! You’re holding up everyone else.

Now, if you’re one of those people who should be rushing to meet a deadline, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS ARTICLE? Geeze, get back to work already! You’re holding up everyone else.

For everyone else, however, I’m in the mood to waste some time and we might as well do it together. Only, I’ve already watched the videos below. If I hadn’t then I would be able to recommend them to you, would I? And since I was watching them specifically so that I could include them in this article, it wasn’t exactly wasting time on my part. We call that research.

Amazing how we justify things around here.

Anyway, I’ve chosen three short films that, combined, kills less than an hour of your afternoon. Go grab you a soda and maybe a chocolate bar. Tell everyone you’re doing research. Hey, it works for us.

This Is Supposed To Be A Commercial

A seven-minute long commercial? Really? I’m not sure exactly what the folks at Ford were thinking with this one. It certainly isn’t something that one is going to see one television, even late night. We’ve we’ve got here, though, is some incredibly creative writing. Not since Herbie, the Love Bug has a car played such an integral role in the telling of a story. You may need to watch it twice, though. The plot unfolds in such a way that only on the second viewing do you see all the hints that were dropped. And to the folks at Ford, you’re welcome.

https://youtu.be/QMTBTm30JR8

A Little Relationship Advice

This little thing was just uploaded a couple of days ago, but it has “award winner” written all over it. What happens when two people’s lives become so incredibly entangled in each other that separation becomes impossible? Is this why one shouldn’t go into business with a spouse or lover, or is this exactly why you should? This is an incredibly well-done piece with a few surprises slipped in along the way.

Think Of It As Art That Moves

I thought twice, actually three times before including this last one. First, it’s long, a little over 20 minutes. Second, I was concerned that it might only appear to those in the advertising industry. However, I think any creative person is going to find a lot here that is valuable. Discussion of design, white space, and NOT filling the frame are something anyone involved in the visual arts is going to appreciate. Plus, there is such a strong sense of history and nostalgia here, especially for people my age who areally are bored on a Friday afternoon and bummed that it’s too chilly to be out taking a walk.

That’s all you’re getting from me today. Kat said something about going “out.” Lock the door and turn off the lights if you’re the last one to leave, please. See you in the morning.

Art / PotD

Color In Life As In Pictures

October 18, 2016

Oh, half of what’s out there is worthless. The only pictures I like are the ones I’ve taken. —William Eggleston

charles i. letbetter - color in life and pictures

What color brings to pictures is the same thing it brings to life: excitement, variance, and a different way of seeing things

I had difficulty choosing pictures to go with this article. I just finished reading the New York Times interview with William Eggleston that was published yesterday. Times writer Augusten Burroughs calls Eggleston, “The pioneer of color photography.” I’ve also heard of him referred to as the godfather of color photography. Whichever title one chooses to use, the man has done a lot to further color photography. So, choosing images that really match that topic involved a mental argument as to exactly what color photography represents.

Being brutally honest, I’ve not always been the world’s biggest Eggleston fan. I’ve seen the images from his 1976 exhibit at the New York Museum of Modern Art, which the article casually glosses over with little more than a side mention. I understand why critics at the time weren’t impressed. Eggleston’s work has, at times, been the sort that one looks at after a few years and thinks, “Oh, now I get it.” Just casually browsing through his images without taking the time to understand them can, depending on one’s level of photographic comprehension, leave one disappointed and unimpressed.

What Eggleston’s work did, though, was bring color photography legitimacy in a world that was stuck looking at things in black and white. As color film and processing changed over the years, color pictures changed our perspective of life. We were forced to look at things differently, something that a lot of people don’t find comfortable.

The Color Of Emotion

Photographers who have never shot film, and there are millions who haven’t, don’t understand the challenge of having to choose whether to shoot in color or black and white. Digital cameras inherently take color pictures. Even if one has a camera with a black and white setting [which is never a good idea, in my opinion], the sensor still “sees” in color and then makes the conversion. When using film, though, one has to make a decision before the pictures are taken, often before one even stops onto the set. Sitting in art meetings over the years, whether to use color or black and white film was almost always one of the first arguments the team would face. Opinions both directions tend to be strong.

Critical to this discussion is understanding that color changes the emotion of pictures. If I were to set two pictures side-by-side, one color, one black-and-white, your opinion hinges not on different qualities of processing, but on how the different images make you feel. Consider the image at the top of this page. Here it is processed in black and white:

Emulated Fomapan film with LAB processing

The question is not whether one version is better than the other; both have their distinctive qualities. What matters is which version best communicates the emotion I was attempting to capture with the image. In this case, I prefer color if for no other reason than the striking contrast of red blood in the water.That aspect is so muted in the black and white version that one might miss it entirely if just casually glancing at the photo.

One can argue that either version of the picture is better than the other and be technically correct. Are we shooting merely for technicalities, though, or are we taking pictures that allow people to feel something? When we choose color, we make a choice in how we want to direct viewers’ emotions.

Color In A Black And White World

Because photography started out monochrome, there have been, and always will be, those who are strongly adamant that black and white is the only legitimate format for professional photographs. The Times article makes that point when the author asks Eggleston what he thinks of Ansel Adams. Eggleston replied:

We didn’t know each other, but if we did, I’d tell him the same thing: “I hate your work.”

The sentiment runs both directions, though. The article recounts a conversation between Eggleston and renowned photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson in which the latter tells the former, “You know, William, color is bull shit.”

Not everyone wants to see the world in color. Not everyone wants to feel the emotions and challenges that color brings to pictures. Black and white gets straight to the point, emphasizes the facts, and allows some things to become lost in the shadows. We all know people who are the same way. The rules are the rules and either one follows them or they don’t. People who view the world in black and white tend to be very precise in their judgments, they appreciate the clarity of strong, well-defined lines and the clean contrast that black and white affords.

Color brings more freedom to the world, and to imagery. Color opens up possibilities that maybe the rules are bendable, or not necessary at all. Color lets us see what’s lurking in the shadows, enjoy the subtle gradients of light, and feel the warmth, or the coldness, of an image. You almost certainly know people who are colorful, who take chances without regard to the consequences, who explore beyond traditional boundaries, and are very open about how they feel. Their emotions are obvious and their communication often louder than we might appreciate.

Analysis Paralysis

If I have a favorite quote from the article, and Eggleston provided plenty of good ones to save for the archives, it would be this one regarding critical discussion of his work:

The only thing one can do is really look at the damn things. It’s just not making much sense to talk about them.

We are guilty, far too often, of analyzing both photographs and life to the point that they begin to lose any meaning. We too often need to justify our reasons for either liking or not liking a photograph, or a situation, or even a person. Some of us are color people. Some of us are black and white. And there are many who cross back and forth, constantly wrestling with the emotional and visual exchanges between the two.

I’ve no problem admitting that I am of the latter camp. I find pleasure in both forms of photography and both forms of people. While mixing the two doesn’t always work, I would hate to live in a world where either one fails to exist. What Eggleston’s work teaches us, if anything, is that we need both. One might be more appropriate for a given situation, but fundamentally neither is better than the other. They are, simply, different, and that difference is wonderful.

Life is the same way, is it not? The sooner we accept that both color and monochrome has value, perhaps then we can get on about the business of loving and caring for each other rather than this stupid arguing we’ve been doing. We’ve not been making much sense with our petty picking and fussing. Enjoy the pictures of life. We’ll all be better for it.

pop culture / PotD

Signs We’re Doing Everything Wrong

October 17, 2016

charles i. letbetter - signs we are doing everything wrong

Any form of over-indulgence creates within the body warning signs of destruction. —Mother Angelica

charles i. letbetter - signs we're doing everything wrong

Judging from the warning signs on headlines this morning we must be doing everything wrong.

Erg. Another Monday. Looking through social media this morning I can sense the fear and trepidation. Signs are everywhere. No one is looking forward to today. Some people could lose their jobs. Other people might lose more. While there’s no way to tell exactly what the day might hold, all the signs point toward this being a less than stellar day.

I like to think that what comes across my social media feeds is a pretty broad and reasonably accurate feeling for what is resonating across America. Obviously, I’m getting a lot of political material, but there are a lot of other things, from memes to articles to status updates, that give me a reasonable snapshot for the general mood of certain demographic sets. The signs this morning seem obvious: We’re doing everything wrong, or at least, we’re willing to believe we are.

Personally, I rather doubt that reality is quite as bleak as it is being presented. When shown a picture of a bright, sunshine-filled day, there are a lot of us that immediately start looking for what is in the shadows. We go looking for trouble even where there is none. We expect things to go poorly for us. In doing so, we miss the beauty of the whole picture.

However, we do have a tendency to really mess up a lot. Fortunately, a lot of people have written a lot of articles to help us correct our mistakes. Consider some of the gems I found this morning.

This Is How You Should Be Taking Care Of Your Lingerie

Spoiler alert: You’re washing your bras too damn often. The whole purpose of the article, published by Harpers Bazaar, Australe, is to convince their readers that they need to be a little more delicate with their delicates. Apparently, while women are really good about taking care of silk blouses and dresses, they don’t show the same concern for lingerie made from the same material. Instead, everything just gets dumped into the laundry, washed with harsh chemicals, and then one wonders why they wear out so frequently.

I really have to wonder about the whole bra washing thing, though. I’ve seen enough bras and caught hint of the fragrance that comes from them when one has been perspiring a bit. The smell is far from attractive. Sports bras, especially, which some people seem to think are fine to continue wearing after they’ve had their workout, have the ability to stink just as much as men’s athletic gear. Do you really want to let those things sit around a ripen before their washed?

I get it, the elastic materials do break down and wear out in the wash. However, doesn’t it totally defeat the purpose of looking nice if one doesn’t smell pleasant when someone gets close?

Women With Big Butts Are Smarter And Healthier

Wishful thinking. Check the source when you see articles like this. They tend to come from websites such as globetoday.com and terrificphotostoday.me. Notice that I’m not giving you links to either of those sites. Don’t go there. I know a lot of women would really like to believe that the mass of their buttocks has a correlation to the amount of brain power one has, but let’s get real: you know damn good and well that’s not true.

Don’t take my word for it, Snopes already disproved this one for you. Same goes for the one about drinking wine at night to lose weight. And the one about children inheriting their smarts from their mother. Sorry, it’s all just wishful thinking. We keep looking for shortcuts and they keep just not happening. One would think that by the time we reach adulthood, at least by the time we’re 30 or so, that we would have figured out that there is no easy way to lose weight or get smarter. Both require work. Yet, time after time we continue to fall for articles like this that offer some hope that maybe, just maybe, we can get away with our desire to emulate sloths.

If there’s one thing we learn from Monday after Monday it is the fact that we have to work for everything we get, and even when we work for it we don’t always get it. There are no shortcuts. Sorry.

Four Signs Your Relationship Is Headed To Its Doom

Because, yeah, that’s just the news you want first thing on a Monday morning. Are we really that desperate for bad news about our relationships or are we just looking for ways to self-sabotage? If you’re in a relationship and things seem to be going well, then why would you want to go looking for trouble? If your relationship is already not going well, do you really need more signs of the tragedy that awaits?

Articles like this exist for the sake of people who are fundamentally flawed and cannot accept the possibility that someone might actually care for them without having some ulterior motive. I’m not even sure that self-esteem counseling helps these people. They go through relationship after relationship, throwing away perfectly good people who would actually like to fall in love with them, but are jettisoned before they have the chance.

Here’s the real scoop:the number one sign that your relationship is headed to its doom is that you’re looking for signs your relationship is headed to its doom. Check your relationship paranoia and let someone love you.

10 Sex Positions That Will Get Her Off Every Time

I hate articles like this because they start from the premise that none of us really know what we’re doing in bed. Granted, every year yields a new crop of rookies and there are genuinely some people, specifically the most devout from any given sex-shaming religious group, who don’t have a fucking clue, literally. If the world really took relationships seriously, we’d be learning these things in school right about the time we’re losing our collective virginity. Heaven forbid we actually teach practical relationship skills anywhere, however. So, articles like this one continue to be popular.

Here’s the rub: everyone’s different. Want to know what will get your partner off every time? Talk to them. Find out what they like and what works for their body. You can’t trust what you read in an article because what feels great to one person might be downright painful for someone else. Blindly following the instructions of some how-to article you’ve read online can get you dumped out of bed before you even have time to unwrap that condom I’m sure you were planning on using.

Communication is a critical aspect of every relationship and the bedroom is no exception. Experimenting and trying different things is a lot of fun, but talk to your partner before actually attempting something new. The results will be better for both of you.

You Are Not As Helpless As You Think

The very reason all these articles and memes exist is because we doubt ourselves and our abilities. We don’t think we’re as smart as we are. We don’t think we’re as attractive as we are. What we read online and what we see in various media has us convinced that we are horribly flawed and need all the help we can possibly get. Look down your newsfeed this morning and one can easily come away with the impression that we’re all doing everything wrong.

Guess what: we’re not. Most of us are just fine, thank you very much. Those of us who do struggle are not nearly in as bad a shape as we tend to believe. So, stop doubting yourself. Think positive. Believe in what you can do.

And then duck because this is still Monday and the universe is out to get you.

Editorial / PotD / Social Commentary

Regrets, We’ve All Had A Few, But Then—

October 6, 2016

charles i. letbetter - regrets, we've had a few

Regrets? I think everyone has regrets, and people who say they haven’t are either liars… or narcissists. —Lee Radziwill

charles i. letbetter - Regrets, we all have a few

Regrets are motivational because we can’t fix them. They are permanent reminders we need to do better.

Does anyone else hear Frank Sinatra in their head? I don’t think there’s any escaping that. His song might be part of the issue here.

We have, I believe, a problem owning up to our regrets. There has been a line of popular philosophy the past several years that thinks we should live life with no regrets, that we learn as we go and whatever happens is exactly what was supposed to happen. Such thinking is, in my opinion, complete and utter horseshit. There’s a difference between simply making a mistake and doing something we regret. Regrets can’t be fixed. Regrets are forever.

What got me thinking along this line was an article in Marie Claire about women who regret having children. The article caught my eye because I know some of these women. They both became pregnant while on birth control. They never intended to have children. These women knew in advance that they did not have the temperament to be good mothers. Yet, they allowed family, friends, and/or religion to bully them into keeping the kids. Now, they regret having given in. They feel trapped in a life they never wanted, that arguably should never have happened. Consequence after consequence reminds them that their life was meant to be different. These women really understand the inescapability of regrets.

Regrets happen. Ignore them if you want, but there are lessons to be learned here if we take a moment and pay attention. Don’t shove that regret in the back of your mind and forget. Let it guide you.

Regrets Are Different From Mistakes

Imagine how differently My Way would sound if Frank sang, “Mistakes, I’ve made a few …” It’s just not the same, is it?

Why? Because there is a fundamental difference between mistakes and regrets: Regrets can’t be fixed. The consequences of your actions or inaction are irreversible. Nothing you do makes up for your error. You’re stuck.

Mistakes, on the other hand, might have difficult and long-term consequences, but you have an ability to make amends for the wrong-doing. Let’s say, for example, that in the haze of a misguided youth one commits an act of vandalism. Sure, what you did was wrong, but there are things one can do to rectify the situation. One might repair or replace what was broken, repay a property or business owner, and clean up any mess that was made. Life moves on, lesson learned. Someone says, “Hey, we all make mistakes,” and we put the event in the back of our minds.

Suppose, however, that in committing that act of vandalism one’s actions resulted in the death of someone else. You didn’t intend for anyone to get hurt, but it happened and it was your fault. Nothing you do will ever bring that person back. Even if you take that person’s place, do their work, take care of their family, behave like a model citizen the rest of your life, nothing replaces the soul your actions terminated. Nothing. Ever. That’s a regret. Regrets never go away.

Hopefully, one gets through life with few regrets. Certainly, most of us don’t have the burden of being responsible for someone else’s death. Those we have, though, we need to address and accept.

Facing A Harsh Reality

What do you really regret? When one is asked that question our tendency is to mull over some of our larger mistakes. Mine would be going through my youth trying to be who I thought my parents wanted me to be rather than being myself. A lot of time and energy and money was wasted on things that I never really wanted. Opportunities were missed. Yet, over the years I’ve been able to rectify that problem. Who I am now is who I want to be. Sure, I cannot regain my youth, but I am not bound by the errors in judgment I made when I was 15. Do I wish I had done things differently? Sure, but those were mistakes, not regrets.

My biggest regret is not listening to the stories being told, especially those my parents had to tell. Only after they passed did I begin to realize all the questions that we never asked, the lessons we never had a chance to learn. I can’t get that back. Those stories are all gone, lost to eternity because I wasn’t paying attention. Was the action excusable? No, I knew what I wasn’t doing. We even talked about the need to sit down and record conversations, but we never made the effort for that to actually happen.

Regrets don’t have to be huge, they don’t have to be horrific. Regrets do alter lives, though, and the effects are permanent. Facing them doesn’t give us the ability to change the outcome or make amends. However, accepting our regrets lays the foundation for what we do next with our lives. Our regrets tell us what we must change, what to do differently as we move forward with our lives.

Escaping The Chains

Once we deal with the reality of our regrets, we are then challenged to not become enslaved by them. For the women who regret having children, they struggle to regain their lives, their sense of self-worth. I remember one young woman whose child died at the hands of an abusive husband. For her, the regret of not leaving and protecting her baby was insurmountable and after five years of struggle she committed suicide. Dealing with regrets isn’t always life-altering, but it certainly can be.

What we must understand about regrets is that while lives might be changed by our actions, we are still in control of what happens next. We can’t change the past, but the future we build is our own. Regrets give us the ability to change not only our lives, but perhaps the lives of others.

Each of the women in the Marie Claire article thought they were alone, that they were the only one who ever regretted having children. As they spoke up, though, they discovered that others felt the same way and they all needed help coping with that regret. A community was formed. Books were written. New mothers now have resources to help them because of how others dealt with their regrets.

What we learn and how we respond to our regrets is going to be different for everyone, but the one thing for certain is that we must be willing to move beyond them. Regrets might change our lives but they should never stop them.

Current Issues / Fashion / PotD / science

Searching For Something Good

September 23, 2016

It’s so easy today to get swept up in celebrity fixation and materialism and searching for some validation outside of yourself when we know it’s really found within and through meaningful connections with other people. —Geoffrey S. Fletcher

charles i. letbetter - Searching for good news

Weeks so full of disappointment leave us searching for good news in hopes that , maybe, there might be some left.

My body didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. This week has seen more disappointments than I care to enumerate. Searching for even a moment’s rest has too often proven futile. I don’t like much that has happened this week. Neither do I care for most of the reactions to what has happened this week. I expect better from the world and that just hasn’t happened.

Every morning I wake up and start searching all available media sources to see what if I missed anything important while trying to sleep. I fear that one day I might wake up and find half the world has been blown away and, somehow, I managed to sleep through it. As I read through the headlines, I wonder what their long-term effect might be. I see a world changing around me and, at times, wonder if we are dooming ourselves.

Searching this morning, I desperately wanted to see something good, something that didn’t involve anyone getting killed, something that doesn’t reak of humanitarian or financial disaster. I found three things that I think are worth sharing. I consider them good. You, perhaps, may not because they each have the potential to change your world. If they do, though, that change is for the better. We need something good in our lives. Perhaps one of these stories works for you.

Changing The Common Language

Pronouns. If you went to public school in the United States, you were probably taught what they are and how to use them in the first grade. When referring to boys, we use the pronoun “he.” When referring to girls, we use the pronoun “she.” When referring to more than one person, we use the pronoun “they.” We’re all comfortable with that, aren’t we? Perhaps not for much longer.

You see, the pronouns “he” and “she” are problematic at times because they inherently assign a certain gender. We assume that the person we see who dresses masculine is a “he.” We assume that the person who dresses and styles themselves effeminately is a “she.” Chances are high that we don’t realize how often we are wrong.

A couple of the nation’s leading newspapers, the San Francisco Examiner and the Washington Post, have adopted use of the singular “they.” In the case of the Examiner, they have instructed their reporters to ask a subject whether they prefer to be referred to as “he,” “she,” or, “they.” Reporters are to make no assumptions and give the individual the right to be identified by whichever gender, or no gender, with which they are most comfortable.

Michael Howerton writes for the Examiner:

Our intention is to celebrate, dignify and respect the affirmations people make about their identities. We want to honor the identities of those we write about, not enforce gender binary language or diminish anyone’s right to their own.

As we are searching for ways to be more inclusive in our daily involvement with people, using the singular “they” might be a start. The challenge: getting English teachers and school curriculum to go along. What we learn first is what sticks with us the longest.

See-Now Buy-Now Might Be Working

The early numbers are in for Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, Rebecca Minkoff and Burberry and other designers are going to want to take notice: the new see-now, buy-now strategy seems to have worked. Looking at sales figures, especially online sales, for merchandise purchased immediately after a runway presentation and the labels involved are reporting some of their highest sales ever. According to an article on Business of Fashion this morning, Tom Ford reported their biggest sales day of the year. Burberry has already sold out of three items. The Rebecca Minkoff flagship store in New York reported its best day ever by more than 25 percent despite only being open half the day.

None of the labels reported a downturn and most department stores, such as Bergdorf Goodman and the Neiman Marcus Group, all reported significant increases in sales around the labels that had just shown their lines. What may be even more interesting is what people are buying. As of the article’s writing this morning, Ralph Lauren only had one remaining SKU for it’s $15,000 “Houston” overcoat. Burberry’s $5,249 Cavalry jacket — a deep red wool jacket with military-style braided stylings, was the brand’s top seller, surprising even chief creative officer Christopher Bailey.

The time to declare complete victory for the marketing shift is still several months away. If there are not new pieces coming into stores, if brands are unable to replenish looks that sell out early, then sales may not hold and could potentially lead to a downturn in lagging months. The fact that we’re going into the holiday season helps, though, and even if January sales are not stellar, chance are pretty strong we’ll see more labels switching to this approach next year.

We Really Are Family

We’ve known for some time that all humans migrated from Africa. What has been more of a mystery has been the timeline for that migration. While paleontologists have claimed to find skulls, skeletons, and tools scattered across Europe and Asia dating back over 100,000 years, it has been difficult to establish enough evidence to support the concept of any migration that old. While there is evidence of group splintering and separation within the African continent and the development of language as much as 200,000 years ago, there has not been a DNA study that supported a specific migration period. Until now.

Actually, what we’re looking at is three separate studies from three different sets of universities, that all came to roughly the same conclusion: We all left Africa about the same time, some 50-,000 to 80,000 years ago. Changes in climate and the search for food seem to be the primary reason for the exodus. What’s interesting, though, is that everyone, including aboriginal populations once thought to have migrated separately, left Africa at the same time.

Center to this hypothesis is the testing of indigenous groups of people around the world, something that had not happened before. Prior to these three studies, most DNA sampling had occurred among Africans and Europeans. Researchers expected that studying indigenous people would provide deeper insight into migration patterns. What they didn’t expect was evidence that everyone pretty much up and left at about the same time.

This research also shows that we are even more interconnected as a species than we ever thought. We are one race. We all descended from one people. We are all part of a family. We left Africa together and scattered ourselves across the globe in search for the resources we need to live and to grow. From there, we simply adapted to our environments. There is no race that we have not concocted of our own doing. We are one.

Searching For Something Good

Our searching this morning came up with some very interesting topics for discussion. They are good topics, I believe. We are improving how we treat each other, how we do things, and how we view the world. Despite frequent evidence to the contrary, on the whole we are moving in a positive direction.

It’s Friday. Take this information into the weekend with you and continue searching. There are good things out there. Embrace them. Enjoy them. Learn something.

PotD

Fall Guide: What Guys Really Need

September 15, 2016

Guys don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to get ready for fall, they need to hunker down and get ready for the glory of winter.

charles i. letbetter - Gall guide: what guys really need

Magazines tell guys they need new stuff for fall. We have some different ideas.

So, we’re surfing through Business Insider the other day, making sure we hadn’t missed something important like the 16-year-old selling sneakers, when we came upon this profound article about 13 essentials every guy needs for fall. Being early in the morning, before the second cup of coffee had a chance to kick in, I carelessly clicked the link. Guys, if you’re falling for articles like this, you might be a moron.

All these articles want to do is get you to buy stuff. Expensive stuff. Stuff that gives your wife/girlfriend/significant other a reason to say things like, “We don’t we go to that party at my cousin Emma’s Saturday night? You can wear that new stuff you bought.” We both know you don’t want to do that. Don’t set yourself up for the trap.

Dude, the whole reason we have a fall season, besides the football, is so we can get ready to hibernate and do nothing all winter! The last thing you want to do is go buy a bunch of stuff that implies you might actually accomplish something between Thanksgiving and May. So, we’ve kindly taken their list and compared it to what you should really have for winter. Do these things and you will not only be happier, you’ll still have some money in your wallet.

They say flannel, we say sweater

Flannel shirts are all the rage in men’s fashion right now. The problem with that is flannel shirts are work shirts. Put on a flannel shirt and someone is going to want you to do something more strenuous than walking that bowl of chips from the kitchen to the couch.

Instead, we suggest a nice, comfy sweater. You know, the kind with a big collar and buttons down the front. You probably already have one in your closet and if not your local second-hand store has plenty of them. Don’t worry, the soup stains wash out. Sweaters say you’re comfy and shouldn’t be disturbed. They’re also great for cuddling as long as you wash out those soup stains first.

They say puffy vest, we say warm blanket

There are a bunch of Canadian geese missing a bunch of sweaters. Puffy down vests have been a thing for a couple of fall seasons now. Not only do they imply work, but they are so totally cliché at this point. I mean, if you already have one someone bought you I suppose it’s okay, but to go out and drop over $100 on something like that is just going to get you into trouble later. Besides, you know how much beer you could buy with that money?

No, you don’t need a puffy vest. You need a nice, warm blanket, the kind your grandma used to tuck around you when you weren’t feeling well. Warm blankets are safe and if you have enough of them you can build a totally cool fort in the living room, which is okay now that you’re allegedly an adult. No one’s going to yell at you or ask you to put your blanket on and go rake leaves. A blanket is totally the safer call on this one.

They say dark wash jeans, we say thermal underwear

Faded jeans were in for a while. Then, someone told you to get those jeans that already had holes in them. Now, they want you to have solid jeans that stay dark after you wash them. Why can’t anyone make up their minds? Jeans are jeans. They’re supposed to be comfortable and you already have 30 pair, half of which could stand to be washed. And again, jeans imply work, or at the very least, getting out of the house.

If you’re really smart, what you’ll go with is a good set of thermal underwear. Remember this is all about getting ready for winter. Those 30 pair of jeans are all broke in and comfortable, but they’re also full of holes, some of which are a little embarrassing if certain members of the family are around. Thermal underwear keeps you from showing things you shouldn’t and helps cut down on the draft from all those holes. You can generally pick a pair up for around $20, which is a helluva lot less than new jeans.

They say a chronograph watch, we say a four-year-old

I’m guessing they only included this on the list because someone in the watch business couldn’t convince them to buy any of the Rolexes he had in his pocket, so they cut a deal. I have a watch. I paid $1 for my watch. It keeps good time and has to be wound rather than depending on one of those tiny batteries. We also have our cell phones. We don’t need to spend a thousand dollars on a freaking watch.

If you have trouble keeping up with the time, we suggest you get a four-year-old. Anyone who has one will happily let you borrow the little monster for a couple of weeks. They’ll constantly ask you the time, requiring you to look at your cell phone, or the computer. You’d look at the microwave but you never did figure out how to set the time on that thing. The child will constantly keep you aware of the time, especially how much time is left until you can return them.

They say a long-sleeve striped shirt, we say learn to cook

Business Insider wants you to buy a long-sleeve striped shirt, the kind that makes you look like a third-rate deckhand on a pirate ship. While being a pirate kinda sounds like fun, we all know it’s better to be the Captain than a deckhand. Deckhands don’t get an eye patch or a cool parrot on their shoulder. There really is no reason for this shirt.

Instead, we suggest you learn how to cook. There are a couple of good reasons for this. One: you’re hungry. Always. You can’t even remember the last time you weren’t hungry a little bit and delivery isn’t available at 3:00 in the morning. Believe me, I’ve tried. Learn to cook and you’re set. Two: being able to cook makes you incredibly attractive. Women don’t generally like to cook anymore and if you’re into guys chances are they’re just as bad at it as you are. Being the cook in the house makes you valuable and popular. An apron is sexier than that striped shirt, anyway.

They say fun socks, we say thermal socks with heaters

Who the fuck even put fun socks on the list? Is this really a thing? Fun socks draw attention to your feet and dude, those things aren’t pretty and they damn sure don’t smell like a flower garden. Do you really want people paying attention to your feet this fall? No, you don’t.

Your feet might get cold during the winter, though, and if you’ve had a girlfriend over the winter before you know how freezing her toes are from September onward. She touches your feet with those icicles and you damn near jump out of bed every time. Thermal socks are the answer, and if you live someplace where it gets really cold you might want the kind with the heat sticks in them. We know how cold those winter nights can be. Far better it is that your feet keep warm than look cute.

They say lace-up dress boots, we say slippers

Sure, lace-up dress boots look sharp in that hipster way of looking sharp without actually looking sharp. The problem here, again, is that they’re too nice for just wearing around the house. They imply that you’re going out, being social, taking someone to dinner, possibly proposing. Do you not see the trap, dude? Stay away! Don’t go there!

Now, a nice pair of slippers, on the other hand, let’s everyone know you’re in for the evening, or the weekend, and that you’re quite comfortable with exactly the way things are. Nothing needs to change, except maybe the television channel. Slippers also go with that whole keeping your feet warm concept. They’re not exactly a fashion statement, but your recliner didn’t come with a velvet rope or ask for ID. You’re good.

They say anorak, we say girlfriend

Since when did we start calling rain coats anoraks? Is this another one of those hipster, “What they’re actually called …” things? They are adult rain slickers, my friend, and no matter what you call them you’re still going to look silly wearing one. Besides, if it really gets cold where you live, you need a parka, not plastic coated twill. An anorak only makes you look and sound pretentious.

We suggest you get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or maybe one of each, we don’t care. We’re open like that. If the weather is nasty enough to require a rain coat, you need someone to keep you warm and dry, someone who can snuggle with you and keep you feeling safe. You need someone who might make you pancakes, or oatmeal. You want someone who likes hot cocoa as much as you do. Can an anorak do any of that? No, we don’t think so.

They say chino, we say pajama pants

Chinos? Really? Dude, do you want to look like you’ve been whipped already? The snow hasn’t even started flying yet. What are you doing with those hipster things on your legs? No. Don’t go there. You know better.

Pajama pants. Now we’re talking. You know damn good and well you’re not getting up off that couch. Let someone else take the kids to the corn maze, both the SEC and the Big 12 have some powerhouse football teams this fall. Pass the dip. There’s no reason to put on real pants for this.

They say Bluetooth headphones, we say crank the volume

So Apple did away with the headphone jack. Big fucking deal. I have had a pair of wireless headphones over a year. You know what? They’re annoying. They are constantly getting interference and cut out if I wander too far away (more than five steps) from whatever is playing music.

Why the fuck are we using headphones in the first place? I don’t get this whole trend about walling yourself up and not letting other people hear what you have playing. Hell no. Drop the headphones and crank the volume, dude. Don’t be ashamed of whatever gets your groove going. Whether it’s Marley or Parliament Funkadelic or Perry Como or the ISO, crank those sounds. Let the neighbors hear you. There’s no reason to hide the sounds.

They say suede loafers, we say you have too many shoes

Suede loafers? Are they kidding? Suede is the most useless fabric for footwear ever imagined. You can’t wear those things anywhere! Bump the slightest thing and their scuffed. The attract dirt. They’re easily stained, and they’re impossible to keep clean. Elvis might have had his blue suede shoes, but he’s dead. No one in their right mind wears these things anymore.

Besides, have you taken a look in your closet lately? How many pair of shoes do you actually need for those feet, dude? Cut it back to four, maybe five if you’re athletic (really athletic, not someone who is always going to get around to it). You keep wearing the same ones over and over anyway. No sense wasting your money on more.

They say pullover sweater, we say get a dog

Oh, now they want you to get a sweater. Not a cool, practical cardigan, though. No, they want you to get a pullover so you can mess up your hair every time you put it on or take it off. Plus, putting it on or taking it off requires lifting your arms and covering your head. Are you aware of how many bad things can happen with your head covered and your arms up? First, there’s the smell. Then, your shirt comes untucked revealing your all-too-pale beer gut. Finally, dude, you’re in danger: YOU COULD BE TICKLED! Say good-bye to your self-esteem!

A dog is such a better idea. A dog doesn’t judge. A dog doesn’t tickle you when you’re not looking. A dog keeps you warm at night. A dog doesn’t judge your music choices. A dog doesn’t make you look like a pretentious prick. A dog lasts more than one season, too. Fall is a good time to get a dog.

They say rugged briefcase, we say Netflix subscription

Stop and think about all the reasons why you might need a rugged canvas briefcase. None of them are good, are they? If you need something rugged, that means you’re out in a rugged area, quite possibly doing rugged things. Rugged is not comfortable, especially in the fall when it starts getting chilly. Rugged probably means you’re missing the ballgame. What are you supposed to be carrying in that thing anyway? Sounds like work.

We think you’re better off with a Netflix subscription. You can binge watch other people pretending to be rugged while you sit on the couch with another beer. You don’t need to be rugged. Rugged is dangerous. You could get hurt. The last thing you want is to spend fall in a cast. Movies are much safer.

Fashion guides in magazines have one purpose: to sell you stuff you don’t really need. Fall is a time to be comfortable, to save some money so you can afford a trip to someplace warm come January. You don’t need new jeans or a new watch to go kicking through the leaves with someone special. Kick back, be cool, and let it all ride. You’re fine. Enjoy fall.

Well, except for that pumpkin spice shit. Stay away, dude. Just say no.

Editorial / PotD / video

Truth Gets Ugly And Brutal. Deal With It.

September 13, 2016

In a time of universal deceit — telling the truth is a revolutionary act. —George Orwell

charles i. letbetter - truth is ugly and brutal

Truth is rarely as pretty or as palpable as we want. Truth is rather brutal and we need to deal with it.

I had a conversation early this morning, before walking the dog, with a friend who is sitting with his father, waiting for him to die. I’ve sat in that chair, where there’s nothing one can do to bring them back or make their exit from this plane of existence more comfortable. Truth is, we’re all going to be there. If we’re not in the chair holding the hand of a parent, we’re the one in the bed.

I teased elsewhere this morning that I looked in the mirror and realized that I’m too old and too ugly to die young and leave a good-looking corpse. Mirrors force us to face truth in ways we don’t especially enjoy. Truth is often brutal. Perhaps that’s why we tend to avoid it so much. Try as we may, though, truth catches up with us sooner or later.

An article came across my desk recently, 20 Brutal Truths About Life No One Wants to Admit. While some of the points are a bit redundant (that happens when an editor insists that lists be in conveniently round numbers), the truths he mentions are valid for all of us. We don’t like acknowledging them, to be sure, but if we’re going to get through life with any level of contentedness, we have to deal with things we don’t like.

There’s No Escaping Death

You’re going to die. Your friends are going to die. Everything and everyone around you is going to die. Furthermore, no one controls when that might happen. As much as I like to say I’m going to live long enough to be a pain in the ass to my grandchildren, the truth is I don’t control when I’m going to die. None of us do. I could just as easily step out the back door and be taken out by a random rabid owl. While that scenario isn’t exactly likely, there are far too many things over which we have no control that could cause us to die suddenly and unexpectedly. An unknown space object could come crashing to the earth. Volcanoes could suddenly swallow North America. North Korea.

We don’t deal with the thought of mortality well and that needs to change. Realize that all those awards, the size of your bank account, all those accomplishments don’t mean a damn thing when you’re lying on your death bed. That’s assuming you even get a death bed. There are myriad paths to fatality where you’re alive one moment and not the next. We might think we’re going to die of cancer then get hit by a bus on our way to the clinic.

A lot of people talk about leaving a legacy. A lot of that talk is horseshit. Just because your name is on a half-dozen buildings doesn’t mean anyone actually cares about who you were or that your goals and ideals live on. Charities happily take your money and then, once you’re dead, do what they damn well please with it. If you want your money to do something, do it now.

Do Something That Actually Matters

Hard truth: accumulating wealth doesn’t matter. You don’t take it with you and you can’t really control what happens to it when you’re gone. The best you can hope to do is guide how your money is spent and even that is dubious. Even giving your money away isn’t nearly as impactful as charities like to make you believe. If you really want to make a difference: donate your time. Being hands on with a cause that is important makes much more difference than just giving money.

What we do with our lives, how we spend those waking moments, are what lead us to happiness and fulfillment. Searching for happiness itself is a fruitless effort; you won’t just find it sitting in a cafe somewhere waiting for you . Happiness happens when you do things. Good things. Things that help other people. Things that make a difference to the planet.

Don’t over think everything you do. You can’t be perfect nor can you please everyone. Don’t waste your time telling other people what to do, get in there and do it yourself and let everyone else follow if they want. It is much more important that you set a good example than trying to lead everyone else from the sidelines. If you want to leave a legacy, make it one of achieving what no one thought you could achieve.

Time Matters

Since any one of us could croak at any minute, that makes every moment in which you’re not dying all the more important. That means, truth be told, you need to set some priorities and start managing the hell out of your life. Love someone? Don’t just tell them, show them. Spend time with the people who mean the most to you. Show them you care. I promise, when they’re lying in a bed dependent upon constant IVs and other assistance in order to exist, it doesn’t matter how fucking busy you thought you were or how important you thought you were being. Nothing matters more than the time you spend with the people you love.

The truth of our mortality also dictates that if you want to do something you’d best get busy doing it now. Don’t wait to ask for permission if you don’t need to. Don’t wait until the timing is more convenient because that never happens. Timing is never convenient. So, if you want to start a family, take the steps necessary to start a family. If you want to learn a language, start talking. If you want to travel, start walking.

One of the biggest mistakes we make is that we sit back and let life happen to us. We are being lazy and stupid when we do that. No one is going to show up at the front door and just hand you a bundle of cash. No one is going to walk up to you on the street and just offer you a dream job. We have to make life happen for ourselves. Otherwise, we look up one day and realize we’re 70 years old and all we’ve done with our lives is wait.

Take It From Someone Who Failed

At the end of the article I mentioned earlier is a brief video conversation with Bill Bartman. Bill understands the truth about how nasty and ugly and terribly inconvenient things can be. He has had it all and lost every last bit of it. He understands, though, that we don’t let failure stop us from taking risks, living life, and getting things done. So, I’ll leave you with that video. It’s only five and a half minutes, so take the time to watch. Then go. Do. Live.

Advertising / Current Issues / PotD

Sexy and Porn: Who Knows The Difference?

September 3, 2016

charles i. letbetter - sexy or porn: who can tell the difference

I’m not trying to be sexy. It’s just my way of expressing myself when I move around. —Elvis Presley

charles i. letbetter - The Difference Between Being Sexy And Porn

If there’s too fine a line between what’s sexy and what’s porn, it’s because we fail to understand the difference

I was awakened early this morning by the sound of gunshots. Three of them. Within a block of the house. Money is tight. None of the kids are doing as well in school as I’d like (though, the six-year-old reading at a third-grade level is nice). New York Fashion Week starts on Thursday. Of all the things I have to worry about, being sexy isn’t one of them. I’m an old man. I gave up trying to be sexy a long time ago.

Some people do accuse me of shooting porn, though. The image above probably doesn’t help that reputation any. There’s a partial view of a penis in that picture. Exposed breasts are artistic but a penis is pornographic. I’ve been trying to figure out that illogical double-standard for years. We think we know what is sexy, but we have no real concept of when something crosses the line between what is sexy and what is porn. Our publicly stated opinions tend to be rather insincere compared to our personal actions.

Being sexy is a marketing tactic, whether corporate or personal. Sexy is what one uses to get people to notice something or someone. Being flirtatious and suggestive is an advertising campaign that promises something it probably won’t deliver. At least, not to you. Porn takes something sexy and pushes it past our comfort level for public consumption. Anything that makes us uncomfortable must be wrong. But wait, we want to see more. We are so very messed up.

Lingerie Is Sexy, Not Porn

I am not a fan of advertising review boards. The US doesn’t exactly have one, though the FCC’s broadcast standards and a handful of laws tend to act in that capacity. Several European countries have such entities, though, as does Australia, and they frequently have difficulty discerning between what is publicly acceptable (sexy), and what is not (porn). These committees tend to make a lot of mistakes. We’re guessing they can’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground. The latest piece of insanity comes from Australia where the Australian Advertising Standards Bureau banned an ad for Australian lingerie brand Bras N Things. They consider the ad pornographic. Here, take a look:

Here’s a sample of what the board had to say about the ad:

“They were not merely modeling the underwear, they were moving suggestively, gyrating and looking lasciviously at the camera—like a very amateur porn movie. It was a demeaning and embarrassing display. It was vulgar, unsuitable for the young and simply demeaning for any woman walking past.”

You know, I think they said the exact same thing about Elvis Presley back in the 1950s. That gyrating. That snarl thing he did with his lip. Lord knows his moves were much too suggestive. His music must have been vulgar, unsuitable for the young. Funny how that turned into him being a legend by the time he died in 1974.

Just because something causes one to feel a little tingle in their pants doesn’t make it wrong and certainly is no reason to label it pornography. When something stirs the pleasure senses in your body, perhaps one would do well to go with it rather than pull out the chastening rod.

One Model’s Opinion

The model in the Bras N Things ad is Simone Holtznagel, a former Australia’s Next Top Model contestant. I don’t know if she had any financial stake in the company, but she didn’t take kindly to the censorship of her ad. In fact, she took it rather personally. Her rant on Instagram is a little difficult to decipher if one doesn’t read emoji well, but here’s the full thing:

The best part comes right smack in the middle of the tirade:

Do not impress your insecurities on me, whether physical or sexual. But by saying my body, just comfortably being my body, is somehow ‘wrong’ or ‘dirty’ you are insulting and potentially damaging any woman who may identify with me. Keep your neuroses off my body and go watch some REAL porn, you might be less uptight.

I have to agree with her. Watching porn might make a lot of people less uptight. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they would at least try?

A Different Model’s Opinion

At the same time, a different model was writing an op-ed piece for the Wall Street Journal (paywall) with the assistance of her rabbi, decrying everything that made her famous in the first place. This piece of sanctimoniously self-righteous vomit is about as disingenuous as anything I’ve ever read. The model wants everyone to “stop indulging porn” because disgraced politician Anthony Wiener can’t keep Oscar Meyer in his pants.

Mind you, this model, who appeared 15 times on the cover of Playboy and is practically unrecognizable wearing anything other than a swimsuit, has made some decisions in her life that are quite likely haunting her. She has hepatitis B, among other things, contracted through her own personal actions; choices she made. She has had multiple cosmetic surgeries, not all of which have gone well. Her use of illicit drugs and alcohol is legendary. Now that she’s no longer in demand, over 60, and facing mortality, she wants to recant. So, she’s blaming porn.

I’m sorry, but Ms. Anderson’s problems, and those of Mr. Wiener, are not the fault of porn any more than the Bras N Things ad is too sexy. Blaming porn for one’s own personal actions, choices one makes with full knowledge and awareness of the consequences, is rather like blaming arson on the existence of matches. Bashing porn doesn’t make one sexy. Or interesting. Or morally righteous.

Knowing The Difference

There is a difference between something that’s sexy and something that’s porn. Sexy is an attitude, it’s a part of someone’s demeanor, a level of confidence that is comfortable not only with their sexuality but with the concept of sex as a whole. People who are sexy understand that the pleasure starts the moment one sees the other, even when one is untouchable and unobtainable. Being sexy facilitates desire.

Pornography, by contrast, is a sexually explicit act not done so much for one’s own pleasure but more for the pleasure of others. Titillating is the word some like to use, though that term is not necessarily accurate. People involved in porn understand that the pleasure does not involve the person as much as it does the activity. Porn doesn’t have to be sexy, it simply has to achieve the desired result. Porn facilitates fulfillment of a physical need.

Sure, sometimes the line between the two can get a bit thin, but it’s not invisible and one certainly knows when one is crossing it.

And we really need to get over this idea that either is inherently wrong. Everything has the potential to be used incorrectly. Even peas. Two-year-olds and peas are a deadly combination.

We have a lot more important things to worry about.

Fashion / Mythology / pop culture

Damn Kids Ruin Everything. Officially.

September 2, 2016

charles i. letbetter - damn kids are ruining everything. officially

I’ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and ‘I’m pregnant’. —Dean Martin

charles i. letbetter - damn kids ruin everything. officially

Millennials are accused of killing a lot of things. Some of them needed to be killed.

If I hadn’t pulled the article for reference yesterday, when I was still almost in a good mood, relatively speaking, I’d blame this whole article on the kids. You know, the seven-year-old who decided to play with lighting birthday candles at 2:00 in the morning. And his sister who refused to go to sleep after all the commotion. Damn kids. If I’m more surly and cantankerous than normal it’s all their fault.

However, those particular kids aren’t the ones we’re discussing this morning. Once again, we’re talking about Millennials. You know, the ones born somewhere between 1980 and 2000. These are the same kids that will comprise half the workforce by the year 2020. They are formidable, at least as far as logistics are concerned. They are also very different from Gen-X (those born in the 70s) and the Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1963). These dear children have ideologies and concepts sometimes directly in opposition to their parents and grandparents.

As with every generation before us, those of us who are older blame the destruction of the world as we know it on the younger generation. Our grandparents leveled that claim against us, with our rock-and-roll music and that long-haired hippy stuff. I’m sure their grandparents did it to them as well. This is a time-honored tradition that is a necessity if we are to continue progressing. However, millennials stand accused of killing a multitude of things. We’ve seen at least a partial list and it’s quite long. Millennials are murderers.

Those Meddling Kids

I know, I know. I’m sounding more and more like the old man chasing kids off his lawn. In a way, that’s what we’re all doing. When some things change, the things with which we are most comfortable, we’re going to resist; it’s our nature. Some of what has changed because of Millennials pisses us off. Damn kids. We have a right to be upset. Consider this list of things they’ve killed:

Manners. Someone has said that Millennials have no class. This is a broad, sweeping generalization, the kind you’re not supposed to make. There are exceptions. As a group, however, they are totally void of any social considerations. They talk too loud. They are oblivious to anyone else. And have you seen these kids eat?
Retail. No, seriously, it’s all the kids’ fault that Aeropostale was sold at auction yesterday. They don’t shop in stores, they shop online. They don’t pay full price. Bargain basements and second-hand shops source their wardrobes. They just don’t spend money, and for a group their size, that’s a very bad thing.
Vacations. I can’t really say too much on this one. I’ve not had a real vacation since 2009. However, the problem is that not only are Millennials not taking vacations (they can’t afford it), they’re shaming those who do. That, dear children, is enough to make us collectively hate you. We’ve worked hard for our vacation time. Fuck you.
Crowdfunding. Crowdfunding was a really great idea when it applied to unique ideas that were outside the mainstream. Damn brats killed that, though, by asking people to help pay for their weddings, or their honeymoons, or their boob jobs, or their flat tire. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Some Things Need To Die

Not everything that has died at the hands of Millennials is a tragedy. There are some of the things on that list that should have died long ago. Scream and yell at the kids all you want, we’re rather happy that some of these things have died, or at least fallen out of favor.

McWraps and (maybe) McDonalds. McWraps definitely needed to go. That piece of pretentious self-indulgence was long over-due. Putting the whole fast-food chain into a nose-dive was a surprise no one saw coming, though. Millennials don’t like chemically-produced food products. Not a bad move.
9-5 Work Days. There remains some debate over whether the kids actually killed this one or just pulled the sheet over its head. Freelancing, job-sharing, and other creative forms of doing anything but working 9-5 is almost the norm now. Mind you, they still manage to work more hours. This is a good thing.
Email marketing. This isn’t quite complete, but it can’t come fast enough. While Millennials check their email more frequently than anyone, they don’t click marketing links. Hell, half the time they don’t even open the email. Email marketing was always a numbers game but those numbers are almost impossible to reach.
The religious right. Remember that whole Moral Majority thing of the 1980s? Dead. Gone. Fewer of these sinners attend church at all and those who do are far more likely to be part of a more progressive, dare I say liberal congregation. They have a different morality. They support a woman’s right to choose. LGBT lifestyles are their normal. Sorry, Newt, you can go decompose now.

Not Letting Them Off The Hook

Just because the damn kids got a few things right doesn’t mean we can let them off the hook for ruining the things we enjoyed. I’m still on the fence about them destroying network television as we once knew it. I just don’t get into the whole binge-watching craze. I rather agree with them on their concepts of dating and marriage, too. Their obsession over gluten-free and organic is a pain in my ass, though. I don’t like paying more for vegetables just because someone carefully measured the amount of shit that was dumped on them. And I like bread, dammit! And cookies! You just keep your tiny little hands off my gluten!

We also have to take them to task for this whole anti-vax thing. C’mon, kids, just because you didn’t like the ouchy shots doesn’t mean they weren’t good for you. And while we’re at it, the rest of the world would appreciate it if you’d actually discipline your own brats, now that you’re finally having them. We’re sick and tired of them talking back to teachers and other adults and swearing like little sailors. No, it’s not fucking cute. We’re not laughing.

Being the largest demographic group in the world carries a lot of responsibility. We Boomers should know, we had a similar effect when we came along and it cause problems for a lot of older people. There were too many times we didn’t think before we acted. Disco is a good example.

So kids, watch yourselves. We don’t care if there are more of you than there are of us. Have some consideration for the generation that made the choice to let you live. Trust us, there were plenty of times when we considered the alternative. Some days, we still do.

And stay the fuck off my lawn.

PotD / science

Be My Friend, Live Longer & Happier

August 29, 2016

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day. —Dalai Lama

The secret to both longevity and happiness, it turns out, is to have good friends and deep relationships

“How many Facebook friends do you have?” There’s only one group of people to whom that question’s answer actually matters: Marketers. They look at the number of friends as a ratio for the number of people you influence. You like something, they are more likely to like the same thing. You buy something, they may buy something similar. Marketing looks at a friend not as a relationship but as leverage for selling.

You know was well as I do that social media “friends” or “followers” aren’t actually relationships, though. Those people, or the numbers, might make us feel a little better about ourselves but they’re not going to come help you move. That sympathetic online friend isn’t likely to buy you the drink you really need. The random Twitter follower isn’t likely to lend you the money you need to fix the car. While there might be the occasional exception, most online friends typically stay that way: online. We don’t develop real relationships with them.

The people who are really our friends, though, have a bigger impact on our lives than we might have thought. Mainly, the depth of those relationships and the number of them we have, help us to live both longer and healthier lives. Being my friend, in real life, is good for you, even if I’m occasionally a pain in the ass. What’s more, there’s actual science to prove it.

Everybody Needs A Friend

I’m drawing results from the longest-running study of human wellness and development, the Harvard Grant Study. The Grant study started in 1938 with 730 men. Half were Harvard sophomores. The other half were young men from the slums of Boston. For over 75 years, researchers followed these men through their lives, through war, through marriage, through various employments, and into retirement. They looked at everything, including their health. They even did brain scans. And what was the top takeaway from all that research? Friends, good, strong relationships, keep us healthier and help us to live longer lives.

This goes beyond just having a best friend, though that is definitely a strong factor. The larger one’s real-life friend network is, the more likely they are to live longer and be more satisfied with the content of their lives. Having friends who share experiences, who are sympathetic and supportive, and who just “hang out” are all important. These are the relationships that stay with us. A friend that is with us at age 50 is more likely to still be our friend at age 80 and beyond.

What’s important about this level of friendship is that a friend is encouraging. Friends that create and promote conflict are not helpful. Relationships that are constantly in turmoil actually do us more harm than good. Divorce can be healthier than living in a high-conflict marriage. Yet, where we have a friend on whom we can depend, a friend that makes us smile, we are more likely to be healthy.

Loneliness Kills

What is equally important to realize is that just as quality relationships prolong our lives, the absence of them shortens our lives. At any given point, on any day you choose, one in five Americans says they’re lonely. Loneliness kills. Those who are isolated from society are more likely to die sooner. Those who do not have a friend to whom they can talk are more likely to develop terminal diseases that lead to death.

By contrast, one should note that it is not merely the presence of friends that keeps us healthy, but the depth and quality of those relationships. A line that seems to be important is the age of 50. Prior to reaching middle age, friends are more numerous but they are also more likely to come and go with some frequency. As we get older, however, the number of friends begins to solidify. The relationships that matter get deeper and have more meaning in our lives.

This does not mean that having more friends makes life easier. The Grant Study started in 1938 and right away a majority of the participants were flung into World War II. Some who were well off and privileged plunged to the depths of poverty. Some who were raised in Boston tenements rose to the top of social standing. The ranges of experience varied dramatically. What remained consistent is that those with a good friend, those with strong relationships, weathered the storms better.

Friends Protect Our Brains

I find it especially interesting that having multiple strong relationships not only helps us live longer, but they also help protect our brains. Looking at study participants who are now in their 90s, those with a healthy dose of friends experienced the effects and diseases related to dementia at a much slower rate and later in life than those who did not have a strong friend network. Having friends keeps our brains functioning more strongly, helps our memory recall, and keeps our brains more nimble.

When we are young we collect more friends to help us feel a part of society. We surround ourselves with those who are like-minded in an effort to validate our own opinions and lifestyle. As we get older, however, we begin looking for that friend who is going to be there long-term, even if they are not physically close. The friend who we may not see every day but is there to talk with even on the boring days is invaluable. Having friends who don’t judge, with whom we can be ourselves, keep us healthy and happy.

Interestingly enough, among the 60 study participants still living, which happens to include one former US President (think about it), every last one of them has repeatedly confirmed over the years that friendships are a dominant factor in their happiness than either money or fame. Some have done well financially, others are barely getting by, but they all agree that it is those deep, abiding relationships that make life worthwhile.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always open to more friends; the real ones. Let’s do coffee. Perhaps we’ll both live longer.

Art / Fashion

Burberry Adapts Virginia Woolf For Fall

August 20, 2016

There is much to support the view that it is clothes that wear us, and not we, them; we may make them take the mould of arm or breast, but they mould our hearts, our brains, our tongues to their liking. —Virginia Woolf

charles i. letbetter - Burberry Adapts Virginia Woolf

Burberry blurs lines of both fashion and society with its adaption of Virginia Woolf’s Orlando

An article earlier this week in Business of Fashion discusses the changes in fashion as “Fashion’s Fourth Industrial Revolution.” Everything from how material is made to how clothes are purchased and consumed is changing in ways that a decade ago would have been impossible. What we’re experiencing is a seismic shift that redefines the most basic concepts of fashion.

Burberry and its creative director, Christopher Bailey, have put themselves at the center of that change. Earlier this year Bailey announced that the label would be combining its men’s and women’s wear runway shows, shifting to a straight-to-consumer strategy, and showing current season fashion rather than next season’s, which is traditional. Any one of those changes on its own would be significant. To bring them all to bear, with much more, at the same time changes the landscape not only for Burberry but for every other British fashion label, if not the entire industry.

What Burberry announced today is that their fall presentation is based on Virginia Woolf’s 1928 gender-fluid novel Orlando. If you’ve not heard of the work don’t feel surprised. Critics has long attempted to downplay the story of gender-fluidity as they felt it was too far out of step with society. However, as gender-bending androgyny has become a major theme in both society and fashion, more people are giving the book another look. Additionally, Burberry is changing the time, place, and duration of its presentation.

About The Book

Bailey’s choice of inspiration may challenge the non-Oxford educated members of fashion society. When one thinks of Virginia Woolf, one typically thinks of her novel, Mrs. Dalloway. If one experienced Ms. Woolf’s writings, it was most likely in college and that only if one was truly attending a forward-thinking liberal arts institution. While Orlando is not unknown, it has only recently become more socially acceptable as attitudes toward gender fluidity, gender identity, lesbianism, and androgyny in general. Still, especially in the United States, Orlando is banned at more conservative-minded schools. If that doesn’t make you want to pick up a copy immediately I have to question your humanity.

Orlando is based on Woolf’s dear friend and frequent lover, Vita Sackville-West. Sackville-West frequently slipped between male and female identities, which was much more shocking in 1928 than we might think now. In fact, Woolf’s elegant telling of her friend’s life and exploits is so fantastic that censors of the time may not have even recognized much of the eroticism in the book. These are not characters who hold back on their feelings or desires. In a word, this book is hot.

We tend to see Orlando now as a must-read for women’s studies. Woolf champions not mere gender fluidity or bisexuality but a complete separation of gender from identity. In Orlando, we find a character that is neither male nor female, but both and either at the same time. Gender does not define personality nor characteristics. Everything is fluid and dependent upon the needs and desires of the current situation.

About The Fashion

There shall be ruffles. Lots and lots of ruffles. Orlando covers a 400-year time period, which is rather unusual for a biography. This gives Bailey plenty of room to play with the history of British fashion, however, and adapt it to serve his own needs. Will we be able to tell the difference between men’s and women’s wear? Does it really matter? Expect there to be an emphasis upon the androgynous aspects and plenty of sets that could reasonably be worn by either gender. Certainly, the gender of the model at the presentation is not indicative of for whom the garment is meant.

Burberry has already announced that they will be introducing a new bag, The Bridle, for both men and women. The bag emphasises equestrian and outdoor themes that are also likely to be found in several of the clothing styles. Equestrian themes are not uncommon among British fashion and the utilization of those characteristics is almost inherently gender neutral.

Burberry’s overcoats have long been without gender specification, at least from a practical standpoint. While there might have been some minor tailoring differences between men’s and women’s coats, they’ve always been practically insignificant and more than one chap has complained about a girlfriend absconding with his favorite Burberry trench. To a large degree, Burberry is well positioned to take on this shift in fashion and style.

About The Presentation

What may shock Burberry fans the most is that they’ve given up their afternoon showtime. This fall’s show, scheduled for September 19, doesn’t start until 7:30 PM London time (2:30 PM EDT in the US). What that time change might mean for local traffic I can only imagine. Getting to the Burberry show on time has always been a challenge with many guests arriving two or more hours in advance to avoid traffic congestion. The late time puts the show at odds with London traffic, so the typical 30-minute delay might stretch several minutes longer.

The Burberry show is also abandoning its traditional Hyde Park location for a place called Makers House in London’s Soho district. In addition to the presentation on the 19th, Markers House is open September 21-27 to showcase the works of the craftspeople involved in helping create the Burberry collection. Ceramicists; potters; leather, textile and jewelry designers; woodworkers; silversmiths, and illustrators are all part of the week-long presentation.

Then, to top everything off, the company plans to unveil a consumer app later in September to help make those instant as-you-see-them purchases easier. The impact of this development alone has the potential to send shockwaves throughout the industry if it is successful.

There is a lot going on with Burberry’s Virginia Woolf collection this fall. Perhaps this is the beginning of separating gender from fashion and fashion from seasons. Everything is different from this poinforwardrd. I’m sure this is just the beginning.

Art / Fashion / Nature / Photography / PotD

Celebrating World Photo Day 2016

August 19, 2016

charles i. letbetter - world photo day 2016

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. —Erma Bombeck

Today we celebrate the joy of taking a photo, of preserving a memory, of telling a story

Welcome to World Photo Day 2016! This is a day in which we’re going to play along nicely and pretend that the organization behind this day isn’t just trying to sell their book. We like this day because it celebrates something we feel rather passionate about: photography! I mean, who doesn’t like it when someone captures a good photo of you? Granted, for some people that is excessively more difficult than for others. I will also admit that there are times, even when the photography is good, we don’t especially like how we look. I mean, that whole passport photo quote above is way too accurate.

Still, we like to celebrate World Photo Day. Mind you, we don’t celebrate because this was the day photography was invented. The date was determined based on the Daguerreotype, which showed up in 1837. Even that wasn’t really the first photo process. The first fixed-image process was the Heliotype in 1826. What this date actually celebrates, though, is your access to photography. The French government purchased the rights to the Daguerreotype on this date in 1839 and made them open to the public. This allowed for further development of the camera so that you can take selfies with your phone.

Photography has come a long way since 1839. Photography will go a lot farther. This has never been a static industry. Change is constant as someone is continually trying to find a way to take a better, more real photo. Every time someone snaps a shutter, they capture both a moment in time and a moment in photographic history.

The Joy Of A Photo

I’ve taken hundreds of thousands of photographs over the years. From the first time until today, I still get excited when I look at the finished product and find that I have captured something special. Of course, there are times when I’m the only one who thinks a particular image is special, but many of them hold a lot of meaning.

Your pictures are the same way. Sometimes the pictures we hold most dear are those that are not technically stellar. It’s that picture of someone special, or that moment that gave you an incredible feeling, or the last time you saw the person who gave you life. Photographs tell our life’s story. They mark the moments of highs and lows. They remind us that we’re human.

So, we’ve chosen a group of photos for today that spans a range of events and emotions worth remembering for different reasons. Some pictures were chosen not because of the photo itself but because of the people involved behind the scenes. Danelle French did make up for some really great make-up on several. Some are special because of where they were taken. And several are of Kat. That’s a good excuse on its own.

We’ll take more pictures. It’s not always convenient or easy, but we keep going. Some we share. Many we don’t. What follows is a mix of both. And if you want us to take your photos, just ask!

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Editorial / pop culture

Anger That’s Good For Body & Soul

August 14, 2016

charles i. letbetter - anger is good for body and soul

Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury. —Francis Quarles

charles i. letbetter - anger is good for body & soul

We’ve all been told that anger is a negative emotion. New research says otherwise.

Those closest to me know that I have anger issues. I always have. When I was small I would deal with the anger by hopping on my bike and riding until I was exhausted. As I grew older, I developed other coping mechanisms such as biting my tongue (literally) and counting to 100. Many times I would walk away from a situation that was making me angry. None of those methods were completely fool-proof though. There have been many times when my anger has boiled over and everyone nearby has felt the wrath.

We’ve all been told our entire lives that anger is a negative emotion, one we shouldn’t give any room or attention. Consider how our universal mindset is positioned for an anti-anger attitude:

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves. —Buddha
Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. —Benjamin Franklin
The greatest remedy for anger is delay. —Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. —Mark Twain
Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you’re doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you. —Joel Osteen

Today, I can call horseshit on all the anti-anger sentiment.

A Preponderance Of Evidence

Normally, articles such as this one stem from a single reading that branches out to various pieces of scientific research. This time, however, two very different articles showed up in my inbox at almost exactly the same time from two dramatically different sources. When I looked at the headlines sitting there together, I had to chuckle. The universe rarely gives me this kind of synchronicity. Then, I assumed the two articles likely contained different views of the same research. I was wrong. Both brought their own research to the party. By the time I read everything, I was thoroughly exhausted.

Where we start is with this article by Zaria Gorvett for the BBC. Ms. Gorvett’s writing here is extremely well researched. I would like to think that you would follow the link to her article and read the research which she references. You won’t, though, will you? Don’t worry, I’ll cover the high points for you.

The second article is from the more surprising source. The Greater Good website is the cumulative work of the Greater Good Science Center at Berkely University. Their stated purpose is:

The Greater Good Science Center studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, and teaches skills that foster a thriving, resilient, and compassionate society.

Sounds all warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it? Yet, from this source comes Christine Carter’s article on Why It Doesn’t Pay To Be A People-Pleaser. When the universe delivers a double-whammy like that I’m pretty sure it means for me to pay attention.

The Soft Side Of Anger

Dr. Carter’s article takes a softer approach to the topic, not actually hitting the emotion of anger head-on but rather coming at it from the dichotomy of trying to please other people. If that doesn’t fuel some major anger and resentment I don’t know what does. She delivers three very good reasons why trying to be that super-positive Mr/Ms Happy all the time is a bad idea:

We don’t actually fool anyone
We find it harder to focus
You’ll become more stressed and anxious

The last subtopic was what really got my attention. Faking happy when we’re really not, shoving down our anger and frustration and trying to force the positivity is bad for us. Blood pressure goes up. Anxiety becomes more dominant. Our immune system doesn’t work as well resulting in more frequent illness. Not letting out all that anger you’re building up can kill you, and fast!

More than that, trying to push the happy when we’re obviously not happy is lying. We’re not really pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. The people who work around you, the people who live around you, and even the kid who helps carry your groceries to the car knows your faking. Do you really want to live a lie or is it better to accept that some things totally piss you off and deal with your anger?

Dr Carter emphasises that the more we try to fake it, the more damage we do:

It’ll increase the odds that you react more aggressively to a provocation, eat more tempting snacks, engage in riskier behaviours, and—this one is pretty compelling to me—perform more poorly on tasks that require executive function, like managing your time, planning, or organizing.

See? All that fake goody-goodness isn’t doing anyone one damn bit of good.

Letting The Anger Flow

Ms. Gorvett comes at us with a strong statement that is backed by a truckload of research. Shove the positivity horseshit. Being angry accomplishes more good and is healthier at the same time.

The truth is, pondering the worst has some clear advantages. Cranks may be superior negotiators, more discerning decision-makers and cut their risk of having a heart attack. Cynics can expect more stable marriages, higher earnings and longer lives – though, of course, they’ll anticipate the opposite.

See all the links in that quote? Those lead to the research supporting her statement, and she’s just getting started. Good moods, all that happy-happy nonsense, is bad for you. I’m not just talking about emotions here. That positive attitude makes one more gullible, more selfish, and even encourages binge drinking, overeating and unsafe sex. This isn’t anecdotal. The research is right there in black and white.

Being angry, it turns out, puts us on guard, makes us more aware of a situation, and prepares us to be able to solve problems more quickly. Not surprisingly, this comes from our primal instincts and the need to protect ourselves. When our cave-dwelling ancestors lost a friend or family member to an aggressor, they got pissed off and either found a way to kill the aggressor or, if that wasn’t possible, move the fuck out of the offender’s territory.

Anger is a great motivator to help us get things done. Many times we don’t realize a problem exists until it pops up and ruins our day. We don’t like having our days ruined so we find a way to put that nonsense to an immediate end so that it doesn’t happen again. With that problem solved, we’re just a little less likely to be angry tomorrow. We’re doing well, right?

Anger Isn’t Going To Kill You

Pay attention here. Kat is constantly on me that my anger is raising my blood pressure and that I’m likely to have a heart attack while in the midst of having a nuclear meltdown over something. We’ve heard the same thing from doctors and psychologists for as long as we’ve been asking their advice. My son has taken to putting a kitten in my lap when he senses my anger reaching the boiling point. However, the research takes a different opinion.

644 people who already had coronary artery disease were followed for five to ten years. The study looked at anger, suppressed anger, and tendencies to experience stress. Guess what? The research showed that anger had NO IMPACT on one’s mortality. However, suppressing that shit increases the chances of having a heart attack nearly three-times over. You’ll just have to excuse me if I scream at someone the next time they no show on an appointment. I’m preventing a heart attack, dammit.

Furthermore, being angry the first time might prevent you from experiencing the same stressor later. If you’ve gotten angry over a situation, the next time that situation comes up your more likely to take steps to avoid what made you angry, such as making backups of your work, or packing extra clothes, or being sure the waiter explicitly understands that you’re allergic to mango. Anger saves our lives by putting us on our guard against Murphy’s Law. When you’re expecting bad things to happen, you’re more likely to be ready.

Anger Is Good

People who are angry are more likely to have a well-established sense of fairness, are more likely to be generous with their resources, and are more likely to help people they see who are in need. They’re more prepared for life’s disasters and have the attitudes to deal with the stress. Angry people solve problems, are better negotiators, and invest more sensibly.

By contrast, people who are all positive and goody-goody all the time are more likely to be taken in by scams, are more likely to waste their money, are more likely to have failed relationships, and are more likely to become the victims of unexpected disasters. They also have shorter life spans, are more likely to fall prey to incurable disease, and need more assistance.

Which of those camps would you rather be in? For myself, I think I’ll keep hold of my anger, thank you. If you don’t want to experience it, then don’t fuck up. Do what you say you’re going to do. When you book an appointment, show the fuck up. Pay when services are delivered.

Oh, and one more thing: STAY THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN!

Current Issues / PotD / science

A Generation Content Without Sex

August 12, 2016

To talk about adults without talking about their sex drives is like talking about a window without glass. —Grace Metalious

This younger generation of adults is happy putting other things above sex. Maybe that’s why their music sucks.

My 18-year-old son recently moved in with us, something that makes me very happy. He’s a great kid and I love having him around. Since the amount of space we have is small, however, one of the first things we did with him was set down some guidelines regarding having girls over. Basically, we told him to limit such activity to when the little ones are either at school or asleep, pretty much the same rules we hold for ourselves.

He rolled his eyes in that way only a teenager can do effectively. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” he said. He then pulled his 3DS (handheld gaming console) from his pocket and headed toward his room.

This is the new millennial, the younger end of that generation, between the ages of 18-25. They are markedly different in their attitudes towards sex than any generation before them. While they like sex, they’re having a lot less than their immediate predecessors. Compared to their parents’ over-sexed generation, the kids almost seem prudish. What the hell is going on? Do we need to be concerned about this?

Of Course, There’s A Study

The Washington Post published an extensive article on this very topic last week. This is where newspapers such the Post really shine. They’ve taken the work of a fairly involved study [Twenge, J.M., Sherman, R.A. & Wells, B.E. Arch Sex Behav (2016). doi:10.1007/s10508-016-0798-z] and put some real-world application to the academics. The numbers are fairly daunting. Consider this:

Among those aged 20–24, more than twice as many Millennials born in the 1990s (15 %) had no sexual partners since age 18 compared to GenX’ers born in the 1960s (6 %).

Think about that. Fifteen percent of those 20-24 years old have had no sex at all since they were 18. That means they’ve gone as much as six years without sex. For most of those from my generation, anything over six months has us at a point of desperation. Not these kids, though. They’re just fine waiting, and that may not be a bad thing. Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families, told the Post:

As people have gotten much more accepting of all sorts of forms of consensual sex, they’ve also gotten more picky about what constitutes consent. We are far less accepting of pressured sex.

What the details of the study point out is that the sexual attitudes of this generation might actually be more progressive than any before them.

Taking Control of the Situation

While there are multiple reasons for the decreasing numbers regarding sexual activity, one aspect that stands out is the degree to which women are more in control of their sexual experiences. Recent attitude shifts regarding things such as on-campus date rape have resulted not only in severe crackdowns on such activities, but an increased awareness that has women on guard and watching for such dangers.

Redefining consent has also played a significant role. Young men are now, rightfully, being taught that a drunken “yes” is still a no. Even more, most young women regard such attempts to get them drunk as downright creepy. Where their predecessors might have hit the clubs with the intention of letting someone else pay for their drinks and risk the consequences of inappropriate behavior, young women today are more likely to pay for their own drinks so as to control both content and quantity. They’ve heard too many stories of young men who were not to be trusted, so they are responding in a way that makes sense.

Pick up lines aren’t working like they once did, either. They’re not working at all, in most cases, and gender doesn’t necessarily matter. Both men and women within this younger age range are likely to completely ignore advances from someone outside their group without a previous introduction. Those who approach people they don’t know are likely to be seen as predatory. This is a generation that is all too familiar with stories of rape and kidnapping at the hands of strangers. Their trust level is already low. Why would they trust someone hitting on them?

Care Regarding Relationships

Another significant factor in this trend away from sex is that young millennials are more cautious about entering into relationships. Specifically, they want to avoid those relationships that are not going to be long term. They don’t want the baggage of running into an ex at their favorite coffee shop. They don’t want to mess with the emotional turmoil. In short, they don’t want to make the same mistakes they’ve likely watched their divorced or single parents make.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and chief scientific adviser to the dating site Match.com told the Post:

It’s a highly motivated, ambitious generation. A lot of them are afraid that they’ll get into something they can’t get out of and they won’t be able to get back to their desk and keep studying.

Well, that’s assuming they’re “studying.” This is a generation not yet ready to be tied down to anything, especially a person. Not having sex does more than keep them out of a dating relationship, it keeps them from having children they don’t want as well. Again, women of this age are very sensitive to maintaining control over their bodies. The difference between being tied to a baby or tied to a boyfriend isn’t that significant and many young women don’t want either of them.

Don’t Forget The Geek Factor

Norman Spack, associate clinical professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, tells the Post:

The nature of communication now is anti-sexual. People are not spending enough time alone just together. There’s another gorilla in the room: It’s whatever is turned on electronically.

Characteristics and habits that many young adults now embrace would have been considered “nerdy” or “geeky” by their parents’ generation. Had you told me 30 years ago about a video game that involved tracking make-believe creatures out in public, I would have laughed and called you a geek. Now, I think I’m the only one not running all over the place playing Pokèmon Go. In public.

Video games aren’t the only distraction, mind you. Many young adults would rather sit home and binge-watch a television series than go out and interact with people. Then, there are the omnipresent social media that sufficiently distracts people of every age, allowing hours to pass without any direct human interaction. There are so many other things to do, things that don’t involve risks of disease or emotions, that many millennials would rather not be bothered with the whole dating thing.

More Than 72 Virgins

While this study looked specifically at the habits of young adults, the Post also raises information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that sexual activity is down among high school students as well. One of the things I found surprising was the number of people interviewed who admitted to still being virgins despite being well into their twenties. None of them cited any religious reason, mind you. In fact, religious influence doesn’t factor in any significant way throughout the study, something that is probably worthy of deeper consideration.

Rather, young millennials are content enough with other forms of activity, or inactivity, so as to not make sex a priority in their lives. More are holding out for that “perfect” relationship that will lead to marriage and kids (we’ll not tell them the bad news about that pipe dream just yet). Many are focusing first on their careers. More are dedicated to building a lifetime of other experiences that are less likely to tie them down. Sex would just get in the way and, since they’ve never actually experienced it, they don’t miss it. As a result, there may be more virgins in the US now than there has been since the 1950s.

There Are Still Consequences

All this talk about not having sex, paired with other data showing that couples are putting off having children or not having them at all, does have a couple of negative factors to be considered. One is that we could be looking at a future where there are not enough people to handle all the jobs the future will create. Already, we’ve been hearing of shortages of farm workers, and Nicolas Colas, chief market strategist for Convergex, told Bloomberg last year that we’re beginning to run out of “employable workers.” That is, those with specific education and experience in the fields where they are most needed.

Not that the world population is in any danger, mind you. There are still plenty of countries churning out more babies than they can support. What this means, however, is that immigration is likely to become an even more critical issue in the future as there are fewer people already here capable of filling the job market. Historically, we have not handled such situations terribly well. Just ask the Chinese who worked the railroads, or the Irish who built up our cities.

There is also the danger that this generation may not know how to handle intimacy and might run from it or respond to it inappropriately. This isn’t something we’ve dealt with on a large scale before and we, as a society, are ill-equipped to deal with a generation of loners, those who have few social skills and avoid public encounters. Everything from the retail economy to work environments could be adversely affected.

It’s Only 15 Percent

This is the point at which someone needs to emphasize that the vast majority of people are still having lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sex and enjoying every minute of it. We’re only talking about 15 percent of the millennials population that is not having sex. Any great level of worry about a negative outcome or adverse affect on society is probably misplaced. Relax, kids, everything’s fine.

What we must realize, though, is that attitudes toward sex, across the board, are changing dramatically. Younger generations don’t hold the same viewpoints toward sex that their parents did and it’s on my generation, we old folks who were fucking anything and everything, consequences be damned, to get up to speed. Much of the behavior we considered “normal” in the 60s and 70s was hurtful and does not need to be continued. This younger generation is improving society, correcting our errors, and building a better world.

Okay, so not as many of us will have grandkids to bounce on our knees and spoil. Or if we do, we may have to wait longer to get them. That’s not a bad thing. Our children are more likely to make life decisions that don’t place them in compromising positions. You know, the kind that made you have to abandon your hopes and dreams to deal with a reality that sucked.

Now, if we could just get them to write better music.

pop culture / PotD

Who Are You Calling White Trash?

August 6, 2016

I worked with these liberal elites for 28 years at CBS News, and they were always throwing around the term ‘white trash,’ by which they meant poor southerners who didn’t go to Harvard. I’m not sure why that makes them trash. —Bernard Goldberg

Our desperation to create division between classes has never been stronger. “White trash” is a label that needs to go away.

I look around the living room this morning and have to shake my head. There’s a litter box next to the couch. Children’s discarded school uniforms are scattered across the floor. I assume the mates for those shoes are around here somewhere. The couch is supposed to seat six, but at the moment Kat and the dog are all that actually fit. My desk is cluttered with everything from a broken weather vane to children’s books to a leatherman resting on top of a Beatles CD on top of a Madonna CD. Yeah, we still have CDs. As I contemplate the mess we call home I can’t help but wonder, “Are we white trash?”

I came across this article by Holly Genovese on AuntieBellum and was struck not only by how much her words hit home with me, but with several other people I know who had seen the same article. Ms. Genovese comes from a small town in Pennsylvania that apparently has a less-than-desirable reputation. Despite all her education and academic success, it was her hometown’s reputation that dogged her professional incline. She says:

It is one thing to have your hometown judged by your peers, but it is quite another to realize that qualities you possess, habits born of a lifetime that you don’t even realize you have, make you read as unqualified or unfit for your chosen profession.

Damn. I know exactly how that feels and many of the people I know and love have similar experiences. This isn’t cool.

Growing Up Human

I was born in rural Kansas. At the time of my birth, my father pastored a very small church part-time while working flight line assembly at Boeing, Wichita during the week. He didn’t make much money. At times there was barely enough food. Still, we got by. My childhood was happy, filled with the usual ups and downs that come with growing up in the 60s and 70s. I didn’t think of our family as poor because everyone else around us was at a similar socio-economic level if not worse.

Then, I went to college. I was the first person on my father’s side of the family to actually graduate with a degree. I considered moving out of state and pursuing an advanced degree but many of the adults I respected at the time, from my parents to one of the state’s U.S. Senators, questioned whether such a move would actually pay off in the long run. Not that they doubted my talent or ability one bit, mind you. They were thinking in terms of whether the advanced degree might actually make me unemployable in Oklahoma. Had I stayed in Oklahoma, they might have been correct.

There is a danger to staying in one place too long, especially when one is poor. Not only do we become too comfortable with our surroundings, we don’t realize just how far removed we are from the rest of the society. I won’t deny that there’s a social gap between those from rural areas and those raised in the city, but is that enough to make any of us “white trash?”

No Place Called Home

Ms. Genovese recounts her experience and I found it far too relatable:

The more formal education I acquired, the larger the gap between my family and I became. My parents are incredibly proud of me and have never been anything other than supportive. But everyone from cousins to former employers have insinuated that I am arrogant because I left my small town for the city and enrolled in a Ph.D program. Why couldn’t I get a real job in the Harley Factory? What could you even do with a history Ph.D anyway? And most common of all, was I ever coming home? Slowly I realized the answer to that question had to be no.

A week after we moved from Oklahoma I knew there would be no moving back. Ever. I saw the change in facial expressions when someone would say, “You’ve got an unusual accent. Where are you from?” and I would answer, “Oklahoma.” No one was impressed. Some struggled to not laugh out loud. Sometimes I would try shaking things up a bit and say I was from Kansas, but that response wasn’t any better. Both states are considered “white trash” among those in more academic and professional urban circles.

Moving down to Atlanta wasn’t any better. One advertising executive was rather blunt. “You’re a long way from home, son,” he said with a southern drawl that came draped in a Confederate war flag. “Do the rest of your people speak English or do they live on a reservation?” The insinuation was obvious. While New Yorkers might consider Georgians white trash, Oklahoma was even further down the white trash scale. What did we do to deserve such treatment?

Class Shaming By Any Other Name

Again, we relate to Ms. Genovese:

I will never fully belong in the world of academia, and frankly, I don’t want to. But I also no longer fully belong at home. And I can’t complain (nor do I want to). … I am the dream, the local kid who did good. But nobody tells you what it’s like, the incredible loneliness that accompanies that kind of class jumping that many people dream of.

The pictures at the top of this article were taken at my 30-year high school reunion, which is now a few years past. Those young women were my classmates. They’re all bright, intelligent, and beautiful as anyone else. Okay, so when the DJ plays YMCA, they can’t resist hitting the dance floor. I’ve seen the same thing happen in a fancy New York ballroom. Most all my classmates (at least, the ones for whom I can still account) are hardworking people deeply involved in their communities. They may not all have advanced degrees, but they know what works for where they work.

I dare any Harvard graduate to change a truck tire without getting their tweed jacket rumpled or bottle-feed a new orphan calf without getting their loafers covered in bovine excrement. We may not have any Fortune 500 CEOs among us, but that doesn’t make our social class any less important.

Pick-A-Part

I would like to blame social media for giving rise to the dearth of shaming that takes place, but we all know it was there long before the Internet. “White trash” was a term thrown around even when I was a kid. Such behavior wasn’t right then and it damn sure isn’t acceptable now. This same disregard for the value of every human that gives rise to class shaming is also responsible for the rampant racism, size shaming, gender shaming, sexism, and ageism that puts us all at odds with one another. Whether the term we’re using is “white trash” or “slut” or “fag,” the effect is the same. Each term of derision serves only to divide us, to separate one from another, to weaken our society by pitting one against another.

None of us are perfect. Sure, some of my high school classmates foolishly voted for one of the worst governors in the history of the word. At the same time, I know at least three Ivy League grads who gave their money to Bernie Madoff. Where you grew up and where you went to college does not make one any more likely to do stupid shit that we later regret. Some of us like Big 12 football. Some of us like yacht racing. One group may not understand the other, but that doesn’t make either group better.

We are never going to all agree on anything. Differences of opinion are important for us to learn and to grow. If our country is to genuinely move forward we must realize that our biggest threat comes not from external terrorists, but from those who would tear us apart from the inside, calling one group stupid, or white trash, or ignorant, or any other divisive term. We need to stop.

And by the way, when OU takes the field against Houston that first Saturday in September, I will be singing Boomer Sooner at the top of my lungs, almost certainly off-key and not giving a single fuck. If you think that makes me white trash, just deal with it.

PotD

Matters Of Conscience

July 26, 2016

Arguing with your conscience is like having a debate where no one wins.

Matters of conscience force us to look at ourselves and the reflection isn’t always what we expect

I hate arguing with myself.

First, I like to think that the vast majority of time my opinion on a topic is based sufficiently on fact and is, therefore, correct and defensible. Granted, that’s a rather egotistical viewpoint. But then, if one is not confident in their own opinions how can they defend them?

Second, matters of conscience force me to take more than a superficial look at myself and I’m not always pleased with what I see. When I argue with my conscience I see my true motivation, which is sometimes nothing more than winning the argument.

One doesn’t win when arguing with their conscience. One might reluctantly choose one side or the other as a course of action, but in the depths of your mind, you still question. Was the road taken really the best direction? Too often, the consequences aren’t evident until much later.

Points Of Contention

Kat is very good about being the voice of my conscience. She sees right through the horseshit. Typically, we agree on most matters. When we do disagree, though, she’s quite accurate in voicing my inner misgivings.

For example, we both agree that the two major presidential candidates are undesirable. We would rather neither of them wins. However, we disagree as to whether a vote for a third party candidate helps the cause of democracy or puts us in a precarious position that might lead to fascism. Theoretically, it is possible for a third party candidate to win if everyone dissatisfied with mainstream candidates were to cast their vote in that direction. However, history does not support that theory as a realistic alternative. We are at an impasse.

We find ourselves in similar quandaries over matters of how to effectively discipline children, how many pets we can rescue, and the exact limit of acceptable chaos. With each issue, the problem lies not in the fact that we disagree, but more that neither argument is factually wrong. These debates strain our conscience when a decision must be made, often quickly, yet fall short of convincing either of us that we’ve made the best decision.

Finding Resolution

This is one of those times I don’t have a solution to the problem. I can’t even, in good conscience, recommend someone else’s opinion. For all the reading I’ve done, I still end up more conflicted than I do convinced. Resolving these matters of conscience remains elusive.

There will be more challenges today. Should I take the lead on certain matters, which is what appears to be expected, or should I guide someone else through the steps? Do we tackle a large project today or let it wait until we have fewer distractions? What are we going to have for dinner?

The questions can seem so simple when asking them, but the mere presence of multiple options means sorting through the choices and arguing their merits. My mind already hurts in anticipation of the struggle.

And still, today is just like every other day.

PotD

Doing Sex Better

July 24, 2016

There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. —Billy Joel

Sex is wonderful, but it can almost always be better

I’ve noticed that the articles where we talk about sex are among the most popular. Everyone likes to talk about sex. I have a feeling, though, that’s more because everyone enjoys fantasizing about sex. Actual experiences vary. A lot.

There are millions of articles across the Internet addressing the topic of how to have better sex. Most of them say the same thing: Relax, communicate with your partner, blah, blah, blah. Those are all things everyone should know by now. If you don’t, you’re just not paying attention. If you’re not paying attention then you’re not going to have good sex.

I recently came across a female oriented article about better ways to reach orgasm. I’ve long been an advocate of men reading articles directed toward women, especially if your partner has already mentioned that they like the article. That’s a hint, guys. Read the fucking article! This particular article goes a little beyond the norm, though. So, let’s see if I can put a co-ed spin on their five topics. Guys, pay attention.

Set the Mood

To some extent, this is one of those areas almost every sex article mentions, and with good reason. Guys will have sex anywhere. Doesn’t matter how uncomfortable it is or how inappropriate the place may be. Aesthetics don’t bother guys at all. They’re getting sex. They’re happy.

Women, on the other hand, are very sensitive to their surroundings. While being spontaneous is okay on occasion, more often than not they want to be comfortable. They want their surroundings to be agreeable with what you’re about to do. This doesn’t mean it has to be in the same place doing the same thing every time. Vary the mood from soft and romantic to hard and passionate. There are dozens of options that will work for her.

Be sensitive, though. She may like it rough, but having gravel digging into her knees may be a bit much if she’s been on her feet all day. Music is nice, but if she’s been surrounded by noise something quieter might help her mood. This is all about her, guys. You know you aren’t as affected. Take care of your partner and get the mood right.

Get in position

This is where watching too much porn can get you into trouble. Rolling around on the sheets with a new position every two or three minutes isn’t going to do it for most women. Instead of being satisfied, you both just end up exhausted. If you’re perspiring, it should be from passion, not because you’ve completed all the steps to a 30 minute cardio workout in five minutes.

Position matters a lot to women, both in terms of pleasure and, if you’re trying, her ability to get pregnant (not that there are “safe” positions, mind you; don’t be stupid). Find the positions that feel best for your partner, three or four at most, and make those the focal point of your sexual adventure. Sure, you can mix them up and try modest variations, but if the purpose is mutual pleasure then work the positions that excite your partner the most.

Guys, this is especially important if your partner has difficulty achieving orgasm. Your fiddling and wiggling around is a distraction. She needs you to focus on what you’re doing. Pay attention to what works and stay the fuck away from what doesn’t. If she’s crying when you’re done, you blew it and it’s most likely right here that you failed.

Try a New Sensation

Here’s a common predicament: Only one or two positions work for your partner, but then he/she complains that the sex is boring. Been there? More than a few people have. The solution to that problem involves a little bit of experimentation. If you grew up in a strict religious household, as I did, this may mean you need to do some research.

Fortunately, we live in the age of the Internet and if there is one topic on which the Internet is an endless source of information, it’s sexual variety. The biggest danger here is that your virgin eyes are likely to see something you’ll wish you hadn’t seen. You might also need to adjust the safe surfing controls on your web browser.

For many, the most simple sensations can have a dramatic impact. Being blindfolded delivers an element of surprise, and maybe even mystery. Being tied to the bed requires releasing control to your lover. Nipple clamps that are adjustable are a good way to get just the right amount of pain without going too far. Using her toys on her can be especially productive. The options are almost endless.

Use (Good) Lube

One often doesn’t realize the importance of a good lube until they’ve had an especially painful experience without it. Guys, this is the one time it may not actually be your fault. While I’m not sure I trust the various studies out there, somewhere between 40-60 percent of women have problems with vaginal dryness. This is a medical condition that sometimes, in extreme cases, requires a doctor’s attention.

What’s important is that you work the use of lube into your sex so that it doesn’t interrupt the flow. Have it handy, along with a towel or wipe, know how much to use, and how to apply it in an erotic and effective manner.

Even more important is that you use the right lube. This is where it can get tricky because not everything that’s advertised actually does the job. You should always use a water based lube. This is more sanitary, works well with condoms, and comes closer to working with a woman’s natural body chemistry. Be careful, though, of those claiming to have spermicides or increase erection times. The spermicides don’t always work and the erection aids often burn and can cause a rash. Lelo has a good list of moisturizers.

Forget how You Think You SHOULD be Masturbating

Yes, masturbation is an important part of the sexual experience for a couple just as it is when one is alone. The problem here stems from the fact that almost none of us get any instruction in how to masturbate safely and correctly. Let’s face it, as difficult as it was to get the birds-and-bees talk from your parents, hearing them talk about masturbating would be excruciating.

Mutual masturbation can be the key to bringing your partner to orgasm, though. There are a number of reasons why the normal (and abnormal) sex positions don’t allow someone to reach orgasm. Stress, lingering fever from a recent illness, too much food or alcohol, too high, or being too distracted are some of the more common situations that can keep one from finishing well.

Masturbation allows one to relax, removes the pressure of performance anxiety, and focus directly on stimulating the areas that respond the best without wearing anyone out. Again, be sure to use a good personal moisturizer. This might also be a good time for some dirty talk if that helps. Don’t be too forceful, don’t grip too tightly, don’t be afraid to use toys to aid in stimulation, and don’t lose your focus.

Never Stop Learning

No matter how many times you’ve had sex nor the combination of methods you’ve tried, there is always something new to learn. Be open to exploration both on your own and with your partner(s). We are fortunate to live in an age where healthy sexual relationships are encouraged, even if it’s still not exactly a topic of conversation for the dinner table. Follow the path of what feels right for you.

Better sex is possible. There’s no reason to not start making it so today.

Art / Just For Fun / PotD

Public Expression

July 17, 2016

I have always looked upon decay as being just as wonderful and rich an expression of life as growth. —Henry Miller

charles i. letbetter - public expression

Expression is personal and has no right or wrong, but some are definitely more fun

There are so very many different methods of expression that no two people would ever need to express themselves in the same way. Such diversity is wonderful and the creativity with which some people choose to make a statement is sometimes more noteworthy than the statement itself. Technology we have now gives everyone the opportunity for self-expression. Everyone gets their chance to yell and scream. Open your mouth. Say what you want. See who listens.

One of the challenges, however, is that with so many people trying to express themselves at the same time, not everyone is heard. Sometimes we do well to employ alternate means of expression just to gain attention. Once we have someone’s attention, then we can get down to the real message. Expression sometimes needs a little advertising or at least a little teasing.

Getting attention is a risky thing. I’ve thought about printing a bunch of stickers with my website address on them. I could place them in conspicuous places around town to raise awareness that I’m here and talking. The downside to that particular form of expression, though, is that, in many cases, it could constitute vandalism or defacement of public property. I don’t need a large fine of any kind.

So, I’m thinking maybe yard signs might be an alternative form of expression. Surely, you would let me put a sign in your yard, wouldn’t you? We decided to make some mock signs to test our theory. We went to BuildASign.com and played around a bit. What we created is a different form of expression.

Hey 2016

This year hasn’t been exactly stellar up to this point, and I really don’t see it getting any better. There have been too many deaths of really talented people. There have been too many deaths of totally innocent people. The level of stupidity found in politics around the world has reached unprecedented volume. I’m rather of the opinion that 2016 needs to be put in time out until it learns to behave. Our most simple yard sign is an expression of this sentiment.

Single?

I understand the plight of the single person. I was one for several years and didn’t particularly enjoy large parts of that existence. Being lonely sucks, especially on the weekend when everyone else seems to be out on a date. However, there is a tendency on the part of some single people to make feeble requests for sympathy by overstating how horrible life is as a single person. Not every single person is like this, mind you. We know several who embrace their singleness and make the most of it. For those few who just don’t get it, though, we have a special sign:

Pokemon Be Gone

Yes, this is yet another gratuitous mention of that silly phone game that has been wreaking havoc all over the world. Apparently, there was a really big stir in Central Park last night over a rare Pokemon sighting. Then, the servers went down and chaos ensued. Obviously, I don’t play the game, but my youngest son does. He tells me there have been mistakes where people’s private homes have been targeted as PokeStops. The result is homeowners look out their window to find people standing around staring at their cell phones. I can only imagine how unnerving that must be. So, we created a sign to express how we feel about the issue.

Open Minds

We like people who think. We like people who take information and give it a proper hearing, even when it challenges their own belief system. However, not everyone feels that way. There are plenty of people out n the world who think that their opinions and their version of the truth (which isn’t truth at all) is the only acceptable perspective on any topic. Worse yet, once the next two weeks of political conventions have ended, we are at risk of those closed-minded people invading our open-minded space. They’ll be out campaigning for one candidate or the other, insisting we see their point of view. The problem is, we’ve already considered their point of view and discarded it as dangerous. So, before those people open our front gate and try to ring the doorbell (assuming the dog doesn’t think they’re Pokemon and eat them first), we have a special sign:

Sex Party

We’re still rather bummed that Killing Kittens isn’t throwing a sex party in Indiana this summer. We just don’t have time to go jetting down to Melbourne for the big summer sex bash down under (take that however you wish). We’re not ones to complain too terribly much, though. Instead, we thought it might be fun to begin planting the seeds of sexy thoughts into the minds of those around us. Who knows, we get enough people thinking about sex parties and they’re likely to start popping up everywhere! We think that would be a much better use of people’s time than talking politics, don’t you? So, here’s the sign we’re considering:

Bridled Expression

There is a potential downside to this form of expression. A large number of home owners associations regulate how many signs one can have in their yard and where they can be placed. Personally, I don’t see how such agreements are not a violation of the First Amendment. I should be able to express myself however I want on my own property, right? But for some stupid reason, the damn laws manage to be upheld. Communism is what it is. Still, if you can put even one sign in your yard, we think it should be one of self-expression, not something that a political party has conceived.

Besides, expression should be fun and meaningful. You’re not going to get anything like that from a political party. Draw attention to yourself. Be expressive!

Current Issues / PotD

Annoyed With Life

July 16, 2016

Anyone who has declared someone else to be an idiot, a bad apple, is annoyed when it turns out in the end that he isn’t. —Friedrich Nietzsche

Every day seems to bring another demonstration of how fucked up the world is. Annoyed with it all? Here’s how to cope

Annoyed may be too mild a word for what many people are feeling today. Pissed off is more appropriate. We are angry, some to the point of full-on rage. Yet, annoyed is more encompassing, I think, so that’s the term I’ll use. I’m annoyed with life, with humanity, with governments, with systems that don’t work, and with people who don’t seem capable of an ounce of compassion.

This morning, everywhere I look I’m seeing news of the botched coup attempt in Turkey. The day before that was the tragedy in Nice. I’m almost afraid to look at my newsfeed or Twitter because I’m fairly certain that there will be another act of senseless stupidity coming today, or at the very least, by Monday. The world seems incapable of going more than three days without making an ass of itself. I’m annoyed with the whole mess.

Given that level of annoyance, I was intrigued when I found an article by CNN’s David G. Allen on “How To Stop Being Annoyed By Life.” Mr. Allen apparently has, or had, a tendency to be a bit of a hot head. I relate to that far too well. In the article, he offers ten tips for dealing with everyday annoyances. What he offers are good, sound, researched solutions. However, they’re directed toward personal matters. He doesn’t touch global events.

So, I want to play off that same research and consider how one might better deal with the major issues confronting us now.

Is It Really Important?

Some matters that leave me annoyed are those manufactured for political purposes. Hillary’s email. The President’s birth certificate. The tweets of a Supreme Court justice. There are far too many times when stories that deserve nothing more than to be page six filler end up becoming front page headlines. I get annoyed when someone, usually a Congressperson, keeps harping on an issue over and over and over when there’s no real substance to the very thing they’re debating.

But if an issue isn’t really important, then why do I bother getting all worked up and annoyed over it? Chill. We don’t have time to sweat the small stuff. We have better things to do both with our time and our thoughts. Wasting energy on matters of insignificance is futile. There is no resolution to the alleged problem. The people talking about it will never be satisfied. Focus on what is important and try to not be distracted by all the noise.

Should It Be Ignored?

I use this anytime someone is behaving like a child on a national or global stage. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un falls into this category. Every once in a while, he feels like the world isn’t paying any attention to him. So, he fires a missile into the South China Sea. It sounds threatening on the surface, but after a while, we realize there’s no real substance to the threats. Kim Jong Un is annoyed, so he wants to annoy everyone else.

Ignore him, with caution. We do the same with our six-year-old when she pitches a fit over bedtime. We put her in her room and she yells and screams and calls us names until she wears herself out. We don’t respond. We listen, just in case she were to do anything dangerous, but unless she’s dismantling furniture we let it go. The same applies to the actions of many world leaders. In fact, had the media taken this approach at the beginning of the presidential race, we wouldn’t be looking at the ridiculous Republican ticket we now face. Some people just insist on being loud and noisy. As long as there’s no immediate danger, we do well when we just ignore the rants and walk away.

Can You Change The Situation?

This comes back to focusing on what is really important. Can I do something about racial disparity? Yes. So that topic is worth my time and dealing with the frustration. Can I do anything about the current situation in Turkey? Nope, not a damn thing. There’s no reason for me to be annoyed by that which I cannot change. Those matters are out of my hands.

One of the challenges that come with the world so connected by information is that we mistakenly think we have a stake in matters that really don’t involve us. We might show concern for innocent people trapped in an airport or aid workers pinned down in a firefight, but we have to accept the fact that we cannot solve all the world’s problems by ourselves. Sometimes we have to let people deal with their own problems and their own tragedies for themselves. If you cannot change the situation, it is not your burden to carry.

Do You Have All The Information?

Earlier this week, a number of people shared this article because of its enticing headline about Marijuana and alien DNA. The link came through my newsfeed at least a dozen times, usually with a comment such as, “This is really exciting,” or “Now we know why marijuana cures so many things.” If anyone bothered to actually click the link and read the article, however, they discovered that it had nothing to do with weed, or DNA, or NASA, or aliens. Instead, it was a study on just how often we share things without bothering to read the article.

We, as a generalized group of Internet users, get annoyed often by issues we simply did not bother to understand. We look at an over-sensationalized headline and form an opinion without bothering to get the facts. Then, as Nietzsche says in the quote above, we get annoyed when we later discover that our opinion was not only wrong but totally baseless. I find myself far less troubled by things when I bother to read the full story before opening my big mouth.

Be Part Of The Solution

We have little right to be annoyed at a situation we can change ourselves. We might not see that change overnight, but when we see a situation such as racial disparity or income inequality or gender discrimination, we do well to fight rather than just sit on our ass being annoyed. Don’t like the looks of the presidential election? Get the fuck out there and vote, encourage others to vote, take a neighbor to vote. If 30% more people voted this November than did in 2012, we would see overwhelming change.

Annoyed by discrimination? Be part of that solution. No, it’s not going to be easy. No one likes being called out on their shit and when you do they’re going to resists. But if you’re really annoyed, then you have to act and hold whomever’s feet to the fire until a solution is reached. Don’t back down, don’t give up.

I’m at an age where I have to watch what I let get to me. Being annoyed gets my blood pressure up. If I get all worked up over some piece of nonsense, I could have a heart attack and die. Is there anything worth that risk? Not much. We do better to control those emotions and keep ourselves in check. Address what’s important and leave the rest.

You’ll have a better weekend if you do.

relationships

Ready or not, Thanksgiving is here. The relatives are coming. Prepare now!

Suggestions from Twitter

A Bit Of Practical Advice

Now For The Good Stuff

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Thanksgiving with family is great until someone starts talking politics. Let’s avoid that, shall we?

Preparing Your Home

Prepare Yourself

Prepare Your Food

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The interesting thing is how one guy, through living out his own fantasies, is living out the fantasies of so many other people. —Hugh Hefner

Women Taking The Lead

Halloween Is The Right Time

A Little Preparation

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. —Dave Barry

Culling Through History

Living To Tell The Tale

Our Own Historical Record

Sharing Our Own History

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Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism. —Carl Jung

A New Definition

A Personal Story

Understanding The Problem

Our Response Is Part Of The Solution

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I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world. —Jay London

What We Say Isn’t Always What We’re Thinking

You are too expensive. I can’t afford you.

I just want a disk of images

Just put them online for us to look at

What is the cheapest way I can get an image for Facebook?

Can I see all the photos?

You don’t mind that I brought all of our cousins along, do you?

We really love our clients.

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How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness, how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon? —Dr. Seuss

This Is Supposed To Be A Commercial

A Little Relationship Advice

Think Of It As Art That Moves

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Oh, half of what’s out there is worthless. The only pictures I like are the ones I’ve taken. —William Eggleston

The Color Of Emotion

Color In A Black And White World

Analysis Paralysis

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Any form of over-indulgence creates within the body warning signs of destruction. —Mother Angelica

You Are Not As Helpless As You Think

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Regrets? I think everyone has regrets, and people who say they haven’t are either liars… or narcissists. —Lee Radziwill

Regrets Are Different From Mistakes

Facing A Harsh Reality

Escaping The Chains

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It’s so easy today to get swept up in celebrity fixation and materialism and searching for some validation outside of yourself when we know it’s really found within and through meaningful connections with other people. —Geoffrey S. Fletcher

Changing The Common Language

See-Now Buy-Now Might Be Working

We Really Are Family

Searching For Something Good

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Guys don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to get ready for fall, they need to hunker down and get ready for the glory of winter.

They say flannel, we say sweater

They say puffy vest, we say warm blanket

They say dark wash jeans, we say thermal underwear

They say a chronograph watch, we say a four-year-old

They say a long-sleeve striped shirt, we say learn to cook

They say fun socks, we say thermal socks with heaters