The following pictures were taken in 2009 with the subject standing in front of a windowed door just as the sun was rising. One can see how the light changes color tone as the photos progress. The photos were initially dark and any attempt to lighten them introduced too much noise to make them useable. With improvements in technology, we were able to go back and reprocess the images in a more appropriate fashion.
One sure sign that I’m dreaming is how healthy I appear. Have you ever noticed that? In my dreams, I’m more likely to be in my 40s, healthy, and strong. I can still do things like climb trees to get a shot, rescue the damsel in distress, and eat a fantastic meal without feeling ill afterward. Such dreams are a long way from this morning’s reality: old, cancerous, and in pain. I’m not as witty as I once was. I’m not full of quotable sayings. I don’t like how I look. Posture is an afterthought.
Have you ever noticed that television and media don’t know how to represent people like me? It’s easy to represent a gay couple as long as they both look good. It’s easy to represent someone handicapped as long as they can pull off witty banter. Including multiracial characters isn’t a problem anymore, either. But when was the last time you saw a well-defined character who has trouble physically getting out of bed in the morning? Has the crime ever been solved by someone who has to stop in the middle of a car chase to take their medicine? The closest I can think to that kind of inclusion was the old police drama “Ironside,” which started in 1967. Even there, they chose an actor (Raymon Burr) who was otherwise healthy and strong. He was extremely intelligent, and decisive, and showed no sign of muscle atrophy at all.
But then, who wants a main character that’s inherently weak, flawed, and frequently boring?
I was boring yesterday. I’ll likely be boring today. The wind is back out of the North today so I’ll likely spend a fair amount of the day wrapped in a blanket. There are plenty of leftover beans and cornbread so It’s unlikely that I’ll cook. I might take a shower.
The kids were all but invisible again yesterday. G is making friends in the VR community. Tipper is working on her art. Neither leave their room except to get something to eat. Sure, this is typical teenage behavior. To expect much more of them would be ridiculous. I don’t have anything exciting to keep their interest. I mean, what dad can compete with VR?
At least I’m not Utah state Rep. Phil Lyman who responded to yesterday’s collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge with the nonsensical statement, “This is what happens when you have Governors who prioritize diversity over the wellbeing and security of citizens.” In a second post, he wrote, “DEI=DIE.” And this numbskull is running for Governor of Utah. Other insane Republicans blamed the bridge collapse on Russia and open borders. How people get to be so fucking stupid is a situation I don’t understand. ‘Tis the season for desperate attempts to appear relevant, I suppose.
Maybe I’ll go back and re-process some older photos today. Or maybe I’ll just dream.
The wind woke me up as its intensity increased with the warming of the afternoon. The instant the dogs realized my eyes were open, they wanted to go outside. I looked outside to see if it was raining. Three police cars sat three doors up to our North. I closed the gate and we went outside. The cops stood in front of the house talking to a man in handcuffs. This is one of many houses in the neighborhood with two cars in the driveway and three more on the grass, low-income families trying their best to fit multiple generations into a three-bedroom home, struggling to get by.
After standing next to the tree, too far away to hear much, we came to the assumption that this was most likely a domestic violence situation. A young woman came out of the house crying. An older woman came outside and tried to console her; the effort didn’t appear to be successful. One of the officers came over and gently walked the young woman away from the man in handcuffs. There was no ambulance but that doesn’t mean harm wasn’t done. Of course, I could be wrong, but we know that domestic violence is all too frequent a crime in desperate situations like these. There’s never a positive spin to three policemen outside your home.
I called the dogs and we walked back inside to the overwhelming fragrance of ham and beans simmering away in the slow cooker. I immediately felt nauseous. I may not be able to eat but at least the kids will have something I know they like. The police are gone now, which, in a way is rather sad. The cars going through the neighborhood have never been more conscious of their driving. Everyone stopped at the stop sign. Maybe the city should just park a car there for a few days.
Meanwhile, I’m lying back down where I belong.
When I look back at my Facebook history from 13-15 years ago, I see statements like “Up early for a 6 AM shoot,” and “10:00 and two shoots in the can.” I might have complained about aches and pains from time to time, but I was up, active, and doing a lot of shooting. My biggest frustration was the models who didn’t show up and roommates who drove me nuts. I’m happy not to have roommate problems anymore (Kat and the kids are pretty cool for humans). But I miss having people in front of my camera, visitors dropping by at all hours, and moms calling to ask if I can take pictures of their babies. I really miss the babies a lot more than I thought I would.
Most of yesterday was as quiet as I had anticipated. The kids stayed in their rooms with their individual projects. I moved little more than between my chair and the bed. I did take the dogs out when they asked, but that was the most adventurous thing that I did. By 6:00 pm, even cognizant thought was gone. Rain moved in, causing an increase in the pain level to about an 8. Thankfully, the kids are old enough and capable enough to take care of their own dinner. I managed to get down a little of the rice that Tipper made but that was it.
I want to do more. I want to have a camera again. I want to invite people to shoot. While this morning wouldn’t have necessarily been the best day for a sunrise adventure, I’m sure we could have found somewhere interesting to create memorable photographs. I need a camera in my hand. I need to feel useful.
What have I done this morning? I have ham and beans in the slow cooker for dinner tonight. I’ve taken the dogs out. All 11 pets have been fed. All that took about 30 minutes. I am keeping up with the rescue efforts in Baltimore after the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, but that’s not exactly the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done. My pain level is still sitting around a 7. I’m having just enough difficulty breathing that I notice it when I’m completely still. This needs to be another quiet day.
Our kids have the least exciting spring breaks ever. Consistently. I hope no teachers require a creative writing paper on “what I did over spring break.”
When the writers of the US Constitution made the First Amendment all about free speech, they were responding directly to the limitations imposed by the reign of England’s King George III, who aggressively punished those who spoke out against him and/or the Church of England. They wanted to make it very clear that such an impediment would not be tolerated in this “new” country. It was a novel idea, but it didn’t last. Relatively quickly in 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, criminalizing any criticism of the young government. Abolitionists were subjected to the Gag Rule in 1836, making it impossible to resolve any issues around slavery. In 1862, General Grant attempted to expel US Jews from “all land under my command.” President Lincoln quickly countermanded the order, but the action set the stage for a conflict still in action today.
Everyone likes the idea of free speech until someone says something they don’t like. Slander and libel laws exist specifically to keep people from publishing lies against other people, but they didn’t take into consideration a time when literally everyone in the country would have a publishing platform at their fingertips. The concept of free speech is undermined by the fact that each person is convinced of their opinion without having any understanding of the truth. For the majority of life’s events, we can’t “run back the tape” to confirm what did or didn’t happen, what someone did or didn’t say, or even the context in which a statement was made.
One of the greatest challenges to the Constitution, and to democracy as a whole, is the presumption of personal responsibility. When the Constitution was written, the right to vote and participate in government was limited to male landowners. This wasn’t unusual for the time and with it came an inherent assumption that landowners knew how to make responsible decisions. The founders too quickly discovered that they were wrong but no one knew how to put that horse back in the stable. We still don’t. We are all inherently selfish, greedy, and desperate to act in our own self-interest. We’re more interested in doing what’s best for me than doing what’s best for the entire population. We don’t want anyone telling us what to do when to eat, how to vote, how much money we can have, or anything that might cause us stress.
The Constitution wasn’t designed to handle the paradox that a statement can be both truth and fiction at the same time. For example, let’s pretend that I went to a new restaurant a meal with which I have a lot of experience: fried chicken. I understand how difficult it is to get fried chicken just right, where the meat is juicy but the coating isn’t too dark. Not everyone knows what they’re doing. I’ve had some really good fried chicken and some that needed to have been thrown away. Armed with this knowledge, I bite into this new fried chicken and am repulsed by the taste to the point that I am concerned that it may be contaminated with salmonella. Wanting to spare others the horror and potential illness, I hop on Yelp and write a blistering review about how dangerous the restaurant’s fried chicken is.
At the same time, someone a few tables over orders the fried chicken as well. Their fried chicken tasted delicious, to them, with the best coating and optimal juiciness of any chicken they’ve ever had. They want all their friends to know how wonderful the food is and patronize the restaurant so that it will stay around for a while. They, too, go to Yelp and write a glowing review about how wonderful the restaurant’s fried chicken is.
Who’s right? Who’s telling the truth? The interesting reality is that both can be right and wrong at the same time. Our pallets are different. Our food preferences are different. Our idea of what is “good” is subjective. Each person who goes to the restaurant can have a different experience, liking or hating different aspects of the experience. Each person has the right to tell everyone about that experience. But when the restaurant fails six months later because of bad reviews, can the owner of the restaurant, who thinks their food was wonderful, claim that the people who wrote those negative reviews were slanderous?
Implied throughout the Constitution is the idea that people are inherently responsible. We now understand, more clearly than ever, that they are not. If anything, the opposite is true. Responsibility is something that must be taught and, through means of social pressure, enforced. Where there is no responsibility, there can be no freedom. We must understand when it is appropriate to speak and when to keep our mouths shut. We must understand when it is appropriate to carry a weapon and when it should be secured in a vault. We must be responsible in everything we do or we turn freedom into a shackle.
Ultimately, the matter comes down to the fact that we can legislate neither morality nor responsibility without infringing on someone’s implied rights. If we cannot behave in a civil, responsible manner, then we’ve already lost the rights we claim.
Sigh. I had more, but my brain is gone. Feel free to ask questions in the comments below.
We’re a week into G’s two-week spring break and it’s taking a lot of effort to keep the days straight. The alarm was off this morning and when the animals woke me up I had to look at my watch to know what day it was. Everything is a bit of a blur and to some extent, I’m thinking that may be acceptable, at least for this morning. There’s nothing that has to be done today, no deadlines, no appointments. The coffee shop is closed. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason to not sit here and binge more of NCIS Hawai’i.
The best part of yesterday was getting a visit from our friend “Bubbles” and her boyfriend. They were bringing a new PC tower for G to replace the one incapable of loading Windows 11. This gives him the ability to do more of the PC-based education and gaming things he’s wanted to do. It also gave us a chance to catch up a bit since we’ve not been able to see them for the past few years. I wasn’t the most mobile person I’ve ever been, but I was able to sit in my recliner and enjoy the company. The dogs provided ample security to make sure I didn’t fall over, or if I did it would be their fault.
The second-best part of the day was Kat bringing home pizza. The best part of pizza for dinner is that we almost always have leftovers, which means PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! I haven’t had any yet, but I’m looking forward to a microwaved slice in a few minutes. At the same time, I look back and it feels a bit sad that I can no longer devour a large pizza on my own. That metabolism was gone before I started chemo. Now, it’s one piece at a time. There’s no having a second piece until the first one is digested.
Quiet days are welcome when the family is here. It’s not like being home alone. Human sounds are coming from different places in the house. There’s a chance for interaction if it’s desired. The cats are a little more lively. Today’s weather shouldn’t be bad so taking the dogs out won’t be as bothersome a chore. Maybe, just maybe, we can have a halfway decent day for once.
In June of last year (2023), the Texas State Legislature, one of the most brain-dead in the union, passed a law requiring adult-oriented websites to use “reasonable” age verification to make sure that only people 18+ are accessing their websites. You know, they’re so obsessed with “protecting the children.” Lawsuits were immediately filed and the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals applied a temporary stay, but at the same time required adult websites to comply with the law. As a result, Aylo, who owns sites such as PornHub, had a choice to make. Aylo said no, thank you, and pulled its websites from Texas. The revenue they receive from Texas isn’t worth the trouble it would take to add the necessary age verification. Insert giant middle finger here.
Some people in Texas took Aylo’s departure as good news. They got rid of the big porn monster, right? Hardly. In fact, what it did was create a fun challenge for teenagers to get around the law. I’m guessing none of the people involved in creating the law know a damn thing about VPNs, IP masking, or anything of the other dozen or so technologies that can be used to hide the location of someone attempting to access a website. People who want access to the material have plenty of options. And should the courts finally decide, incorrectly, that the law is constitutional (let’s face it, no one has actually read the Constitution in 50 years), it’s unenforceable.
For now, though, we decided to check and see if anyone in Texas can see what we post here. We grabbed a handful of images from 2009-10 and we’ll see if anyone can see them. Let us know in the comments if you can, and we’re guessing you can.
No one is surprised anymore when a Republican legislator attempts to pass a bill aimed at removing the millions of LGBTQ+ people from American society. They’ve been emboldened, especially at the state level, over the past eight years and are making the removal of LGBTQ+ rights a campaign platform across the country. There’s little question that the GOP hates anyone who isn’t straight and Christian, despite the fact that many Republicans themselves are closeted gays. [Yeah, I said it.]
Proving my point is the fact that over 40 policy riders were introduced to the mission-critical budget funding bill passed by Congress and signed by the President this week. The goodness: only one of the riders made it through to the final bill. The bad news: one of the riders made it through to the final bill: banning US embassies from flying the Pride flag.
Why did Democrats, who we expect to be LGBTQ+ friendly, allow even one rider to get through? To get the necessary number of votes to pass the bill. In fact, House Speaker Mike Johnson was busy touting the flag ban as a reason for voting for the bill. Democrats allowed the rider to stay as a concession, saying they’d overturn the rider in later legislation.
Once again, LGBTQIA+ were thrown under the bus for the sake of political expediency. Now you know where you really stand with politicians. Democrats love you until they need Republican votes and then they conveniently forget the millions of people and the rights with which they are endowed.
Across the country, Republicans are making a concerted effort to end Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion efforts, especially at the educational level. Alabama was the latest state to remove funding and forbid DEI education. Many other states such as Kansas and Missouri are waiting to do the same.
Two bills, the “Protection of Women in Olympic and Amateur Sports Act,” and the “Equal Campus Access Act,” both of which target trans students, advanced in the GOP-dominated House of Representatives this week. The attack is unrelenting and ferocious as candidates up for re-election are spouting hate all up and down the campaign trail.
What can be done to stop this storm of hate that’s walking up to your front door and entering without knocking? There are a few things that come to mind.
There are too many times when legislation makes its way into law because we aren’t paying attention to what is going on, especially at the state level. There’s not a state in the union that doesn’t have a significant LGBTQIA+ presence. You can’t depend on others to protect your rights. You have to do it yourself. Believe it or not, you do have influence. Your voice matters and the more often it is heard the more power it has.
The GOP agenda is to make all LGBTQIA+ people socially invisible. We cannot let that happen. We can’t let Democrats throw us under the bus like that, either. We have to be so loud that we’re impossible to ignore.
Don’t let hate win.
My brain is not tracking this morning. I’ve just spent the past 25 minutes sitting here at the desk looking at nothing. If this is how the rest of the day is going to go, we’re in trouble.
There still seems to be some guessing as to whether we’re going to get snow today. My bones say there’s a pretty good chance, but when I look out the window it appears that it’s stopping just to our West. Taking the dogs out this morning felt too dry for snow. Weather. I wish I didn’t have reason to care as much and could just let it happen.
Yesterday’s highlight was going to brunch with friends. There was plenty to discuss, and details to catch up on. They were even nice enough to take me by the store for more milk since we can’t seem to keep any in the house. Moments like these help more than one might imagine. Being stuck at home all the time makes it more difficult for my brain to not wander. Cognition suffers when there are no challenges. I need the conversation to keep me going.
Tipper completed her ComicCon journey yesterday. They decided to not return today since many of the vendors were already packing up and leaving yesterday afternoon. They managed to stay safe by avoiding the severe crowds pressing to see the various celebrities in attendance. There was only one guest that they identified with and weren’t compelled to suffer through the crowd to see her. As for the rest, “Who’s John Cleese?” should tell you all you need to know. They really weren’t interested.
A lot of cleaning needs to happen today but I’m not sure I can be the motivator in getting the kids to help. The longer I sit here, the more my body hurts. I had considered making pancakes from scratch this morning but that means standing for the better part of an hour and I’m not sure I can do that. The kids are still quiet so I doubt they would care if I went back to bed. Not even strong coffee is cutting it this morning. Do we really need the carbs? Probably not.
I apologize for not being the least bit interesting this morning. At least we’ve confirmed I’m still alive which is the whole point of these updates. Perhaps I’ll write more later.
I love it when friends take time to spend time with an old goat like me. I also loved that the mirror on the wall provides a nice frame for our picture. They even took me to the store!
You don’t need me to tell you that pregnancy can be rough on a body. There are so many things going on during the gestation of a fetus that one might feel that those nine months are years long. Some people get their youthful feelings back once the baby is born, but plenty of others don’t. This isn’t new information. Mothers have experienced the same symptoms for ages on end.
The scientific study of pregnancy and how cells change continues to be an area of study yielding valuable information. There is so much more that we don’t know than what we think we know. Studies published this past week, however, caught us by surprise as they revealed a cellular elasticity that hadn’t been expected. During pregnancy, a woman’s cells can age as much as two years beyond her calendar age. Sometimes the cells regain some of the youthfulness, even appearing younger than they did prior to the pregnancy. Other times, they remain the older age and continue to age with each subsequent pregnancy. In other words, for some women, the more children you have, the older you’re getting.
I know. Some women are reading this and thinking, “Yeah, and that’s surprising how?”
The fundamental importance of this research isn’t so much the degree to which pregnancy ages a person, but the proof that aging isn’t linear. Perhaps we shouldn’t have been as surprised as we are. After all, we’ve known time isn’t linear. Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity showed us a different way of looking at time that hadn’t been considered, or provable, before. If time isn’t linear, then it makes sense that aging, which is dependent on time, wouldn’t be linear either. Yet, we continue linearly counting our age.
The journal Cell Metabolism published an article this week titled, “The effects of pregnancy, its progression, and its cessation on human (maternal) biological aging.” What they discovered was interesting. In their words, “In mice, the authors reported evidence for pregnancy-associated biological aging, with a partial reversal of this effect after the cessation of pregnancy (i.e., in the postpartum). They also observed pregnancy-associated biological aging in humans, with suggestive evidence from a cohort of 14 women that these effects may be partially reversed in the postpartum.”
Human translation: Working from evidence in mice that pregnancy results in the actual aging of cells, they looked for similar findings among women and observed that not only do women age faster during pregnancy, but that in 14 women, the effects were partially reversed after the baby was born. Are you staying with me here? Yeah, you feel older during pregnancy because your body really is biologically aging faster than you would if you weren’t pregnant. But some women actually see a reversal of that aging post-partum!
The surprise of regenerative cellular development sits in the middle of some not-so-surprising news. In general, pregnancy is rough on the body. When researchers “analyzed changes in blood samples taken during early, mid, and late pregnancy, they found unusually high amounts of chemical wear and tear. That included levels of DNA methylation that they would expect to see in people 1 or 2 years older than the study participants actually were. In other words, the stress of pregnancy may have caused their biological age to increase faster than their chronological age.”
This “wear and tear” is particularly concerning because of the degree to which it makes women more susceptible to disease. While that “aging” process typically peaks in the third trimester, the effects linger. The result is women appear more fragile and prone to serious illness, including cancer and heart disease, after pregnancy. That’s a pretty damn important matter to consider when thinking about whether to add to the planet’s burgeoning population.
But wait! There’s good news!
According to the research, “blood samples from 68 participants, collected 3 months after giving birth, revealed a dramatic about-face. Although being pregnant had initially aged their cells between 1 and 2 years, O’Donnell says, their biological age now appeared to be 3 to 8 years younger than it had been during early pregnancy—with different epigenetic clocks algorithms providing slightly bigger or smaller estimates. The effect appeared to be slightly muted in people who had a higher body weight prior to pregnancy, whereas it was enhanced in women who reported exclusively breastfeeding.”
So now, while one might age a couple of years during pregnancy, they might end up three to eight years younger than when they started! That would mean less body wear and tear, making one healthier. The caveats are that the type of epigenetic clock algorithm used to calculate age makes some difference, higher body weight reduces the effects, and women who exclusively breastfeed come out the best.
Obviously, findings like this demand further investigation. For example: if a 25-year-old woman ends her first pregnancy a net five years younger at six months post-partum, then ends a second pregnancy three years younger two years later, is she, physiologically, only 19 years old? What are the dominating factors in determining who does and who doesn’t experience the regenerating effect?
I know some people look at the research and respond that we’ve known that aging is not linear because of the effects of diet and exercise. May I point out that the effects generated by intentional actions are not identical to those generated by biological processes? You change your diet and exercise habits knowing the potential for physiological change. What this research indicates is that physiological rejuvenation may be part of the natural process of childbirth, not something cultivated by intentional activity.
This is exciting research that could begin to help us answer questions about premature aging, the development of health problems, and why the US mortality rate is so fucking steep. Plus, it’s nice to know that there are physical benefits to having a child that test your patience and sanity at every turn.
Perhaps next they can work on eliminating morning sickness.
Everyone was out doing something yesterday, leaving me home alone to sleep. G had a shadow day for school, which he seemed to really enjoy. Tipper was at ComicCon, which was a definite hit. Kat worked, obviously, which she loves, but standing that long without a break is tough. I slept. I’m blaming the weather. While there was never heavy rain, weather conditions were enough to make everything hurt. The temperatures outside were decent enough, but I only felt warm when wrapped in a blanket. And my eyes kept watering. Still. It’s been over a week now and I can’t explain why my eyes water so much.
G forgot to take his meds before leaving yesterday, so he had a ton of anxiety to deal with which kept him awake well past 3:00 in the morning. How did he spend his late-night time? Texting Dad. I don’t mind. I understand how he feels in those moments. He wanted to go to sleep but his body refused to relax and let him close his eyes. He finally got up and ate something and that seemed to help.
Then, while we were texting, there was the distinct sound of gunfire. 14 shots to the north of us, 10 shots to the east. IMPD wants people to call 911 when they hear gunfire, but I don’t see the point of telling them that there were gunshots somewhere within a five-mile radius just as the clubs are closing for the night. I never heard any sirens so I assume that no one hit anything/one valuable. This is just how things are now. Any asshole has a right to carry, doesn’t have to be trained, doesn’t have to be registered, and can carry concealed. In that environment, there are going to be people who can’t help firing their guns. We’re thankful when no one gets hurt and move on.
Belvedere is antsy this morning. He was up pawing at my face, “Dad, I need to go out,” a little after 7:00. Normally, I wouldn’t mind so much. The weekday schedule has the dogs going out a little after 6:00. Everyone else in the house was still asleep, though, and once I was up Hamilton started whining while I was trying to get dressed. I can never get dressed quickly enough for him. I took out the dogs, fed them and the cats, made coffee, and retreated to the recovery room in hopes that everyone else would go back to sleep. Belvedere can’t seem to settle back down, though. I hope this isn’t some kind of harbinger of how the day is going to go. We all know animals feel and are aware of things humans don’t see/hear. I’d prefer not to have an anxiety-driven day.
The first part of the morning is always the most difficult. Yesterday’s meds have worn off or are wearing down. It’s too early to take today’s dose. I watch the clock, waiting for time to fix something to eat, and then pop the fun dose of chemo. Check blood sugar. Check blood pressure. Make sure you’re not dead. This is chemo life.
There are science updates in my inbox this morning. Perhaps I’ll find something suitably exciting there.
Stupid people have always been in existence. We tend to not hear of them in terms of history books because other people were too embarrassed to talk about them. Who ate that bad batch of mushrooms that told us they were poison? Oh, some random guy who put his stomach before his brain. We can learn what not to do from stupid people, but until recently we didn’t do things like making them internet famous or electing them to Congress. Here are just a few examples that came across my newsfeed today.
We noticed a few weeks ago that one of the windows at the Wing Stop on 10th Street was boarded up. Here’s why: Two people, one inside and the other outside, were shooting at each other. Over wings. Apparently, the in-store POS system was down and the customer was told they’d have to order and pay via the app. That didn’t set well and the customer went outside and decided to shoot up the store. Someone inside the store decided to shoot back. This is exceedingly embarrassing because who in their right mind gets that upset over Wing Stop wings?
Representative Marjorie Taylor Green has been a national embarrassment since she was first sworn into Congress. There’s no way to be sure, but she could be the stupidest person to ever occupy a seat in the legislature. Today, she filed a motion to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson because she didn’t like an appropriations bill the House passed to keep the government open. If a vote was taken today, the motion would lose significantly. What she fails to realize is that there is no true majority in the House at the moment. Whichever direction the Democrats vote is which side will win because the Republican party is too fractured to agree on anything. This makes it likely the next speaker could be a Democrat.
Being able to Zoom into funerals that are, for example, too far away to travel, seems like a nice perk, doesn’t it? But actually using Zoom safely can sometimes be a tricky affair and if you’re not on point, it can get embarrassing. A congregation in Barnet, north London was attending the service of a man who had died of cancer. A business acquaintance clicked the Zoom link not realizing that her camera was on. The entire church got to watch her take a shower.
Oh, and don’t forget the former president who looked at an eclipse without using solar glasses. It’s embarrassing anyone still mentions his name.
Seriously, let’s make stupidity embarrassing again.
Going to bed early has its consequences. For two nights in a row, I’ve missed late messages that would have altered my morning had I been able to respond to them in time. Dear friends, I no longer exist in an environment where I have good reason to be up late. There are some nights when I am, but it’s by no means consistent. As a general rule, for anyone, messages need to be sent before 9:00 PM. Anything after that runs a high probability of being missed until the next morning or, perhaps worse, getting an angry response from someone who doesn’t appreciate being woken. A little consideration goes a long way.
Another consequence is that, once something does wake me during the night, I tend to stay awake. Last night, that meant I was still struggling to get back to sleep at 3:00 AM. Even the cats get annoyed when that happens because my tossing and turning makes it impossible for them to stay still. The cats start hissing and batting at each other, and that causes the dogs to run for cover. Now, no one is getting any sleep. The cats settle back down the easiest, and Belvedere, the hound, usually isn’t far behind them. Hamilton, the lab, has more trouble getting settled. His favorite place? Right across my pillows. Yeah, that’s a lot of fun.
Tipper is excited about going to ComicCon today and G is excited about doing a shadow day at a nearby company. The difference between attitudes on school days and today is extreme. I’m still nervous about Tipper being downtown, but Kat is working today which puts her just a little over a mile away from the convention center should she be needed. How things go today will likely determine whether I go camp out at a coffee shop tomorrow or Sunday. I still don’t trust the conflagration of sports fans and ComicCon attendees. Both have plenty of jerks in their midst and it only takes one sarcastic taunt to cause trouble. Putting both within the same mile square seems to me like a bad idea, but hey, it’s money so there’s no way the city is going to turn either down.
There’s a lot I don’t understand. For example, explain to me like I’m five why anyone still thinks that when a fight happens at school that it’s appropriate to punish the victim. Tipper was telling me of an incident at her school yesterday where one person, who is perpetually causing trouble, intentionally dumped chocolate milk and applesauce on someone who was minding their own business. I wouldn’t have blamed the second person had they gotten up and punched the living daylights out of the first person, but they didn’t. They sat their and took it hoping to avoid getting in trouble. That’s not what happened. Instead, because of the school’s “no tolerance” policy, both were suspended.
Have we not learned that policies like this are a defamation of justice? When there is a clear victim, are we supposed to ignore their trauma, and their pain, and blame them for simply existing? Why are we complicating the lives of children who already live on the edge in an environment where too many people are beating up on them in too many ways? Explain to me like I’m five, please, why we think this is an appropriate way to treat young people. I just don’t get it.
Again, there are consequences to our actions. One of the issues facing Democrats, in particular, this election season is that young voters, the ones who exist in numbers large enough to sway the outcome, are so upset with the state of government that they’re boycotting elections. First of all, young people need to understand that boycotting elections never works in the favor of the ones boycotting. Instead, we end up with a government even more corrupt, even more incapable of positive change, and dangerously close to dictatorship. Why risk that outcome? At the same time, however, how has either side proven that they can be trusted? Looking at their parents, their teachers, their local leaders, and their national representatives, young people see nothing but chaos and inaction. There’s a lot of talk and ruckus, to be sure. There are a lot of threats tossed back and forth. What young adults are not seeing is an example of responsibility from either side. This results in complacency because if the last eight years have taught them anything it’s that they can’t trust the geriatric crowd at all. They can’t trust them to keep kids safe at school and they can’t trust them to run the fucking country.
What scares me is that it’s probably too late to change attitudes before this election. I don’t see either side making the decisions that would cause young adults to feel that their leaders are trustworthy. Too many politicians are calling for violence if they don’t win. If schools have taught us anything it’s that the victims are the ones who suffer the greatest consequences in those instances. Are we all screwed? That’s certainly how it feels.
Meanwhile, both the Kansas and Missouri attorneys general filed a brief with the Supreme Court supporting the idea that presidents are immune from any prosecution for anything. Here we go again, the culprit, this time a sitting president, gets away with breaking the law and there are elected officials who are STUPID enough to think that’s just fine and, worse yet, the geriatric set just keeps voting for them! WHAT THE LIVING FUCK? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? One of the basic concepts of democracy is that NO ONE, not even a president, is above the law! We were all taught that in fifth grade! What’s with the complete stupidity here?
Churches aren’t helping, either. Television evangelists are telling their viewers that this election is “for the soul of America” and encouraging violence if the outcome doesn’t go their way (Republican). First off, this type of maneuver isn’t remotely Christian. There is no educated statement one can make that supports such filth. Second, what the fuck are religious nut jobs doing mixing politics and religion? Oh yeah, they want to speed us along to the “end of the age” because … uhm … Jesus. Sure, let’s kill billions of people so a few million can get their “heaven?” Are we supposed to believe any of that makes a lick of sense?
Oh, and Kentucky coach John Calipari, the king of one-and-done freshmen, once again blames his youngest players for losing to a 14-seed in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Heaven forbid the coach take some fucking responsibility for how his team plays. Heaven forbid Calipari set a good example. Heaven forbid the university to live up to the promises it makes to young athletes. When the geriatric league behaves like this, what choice do young adults have but to put as much distance between them as possible?
There are too many reasons to not trust politicians over 50. Fuck 80, this current group got too old too fast and is no longer good for being in charge of anything. I doubt they can even take their medicine without assistance. I can’t tell my kids to trust anyone when I don’t trust anyone who pretends to be in charge. The under-30 crowd is on their own, having been abandoned by the parents, the teachers, and the leaders they were told had their back.
But I’m supposed to be okay with sending my 14-year-old daughter to ComicCon this weekend.
I have multiple coffee shops staked out.
One of the things that drives me nuts is when the phone rings while I’m taking a nap and I can’t tell who it is. There are enough spammers and scammers out there that if there’s not a name I recognize attached to the call, I’m not answering the damn phone. Ever. The technology for listing a company name with a phone number has existed forever at this point. There is zero reason for your company name to not show up anytime anyone from your company calls someone else. There’s no legitimate reason for you to hide who you are.
I don’t understand why it is legal to mask your phone number. I especially don’t understand why it is legal to use someone else’s name on the number you’re masking. From my perspective, the entire practice seems to have absolutely no purpose but to commit fraud. So, why in hell would I answer one of those numbers?
The problem is, that I’m apparently missing calls from insurance and healthcare providers because there’s no identification when they call. I had a letter from my insurance provider a couple of weeks ago that started, “I’ve been trying to reach you by phone…” Okay, explain to me why, then, when I compare your listed phone number with the list of recent missed calls, there’s nothing remotely similar on the list. You work for a large company. When you call, I should see the name of the fucking company! If I don’t, then I’m going to assume that you’re not legitimate.
The FCC posted a warning in 2022 regarding what they call “spoofing.” Their first suggestion for avoiding spoofing is: “Don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. If you answer such a call, hang up immediately.” See? Even the FCC agrees you shouldn’t answer unidentified numbers! Their page also includes a form for filing a complaint, though I’m not sure it works since, for some stupid reason, the practice is illegal.
WHY is this legal? If you know, please explain it to me like I’m five. Okay?
On Monday, we published a long read about exclusivity in which we used Apple as an example of a company that relies heavily on the exclusiveness of its product to boost the company’s value. Well, low and behold, that practice has backfired. Earlier today, the Justice Department hit Apple with an antitrust lawsuit for unfairly monopolizing the market. At first glance, this might raise some questions because there are millions of people, like me, who don’t use any Apple products. My Samsung S22 Ultra works just fine, thank you very much, and has plenty of features that Apple doesn’t offer.
The phone market isn’t exactly what has the Justice Department concerned, however. In the filing, the Justice Department alleges that Apple used “a series of shapeshifting rules and restrictions in its App Store guidelines and developer agreements that would allow Apple to extract higher fees, thwart innovation, offer a less secure or degraded user experience, and throttle competitive alternatives.
Specifically, the complaint accuses the tech giant of boxing out smaller competitors by blocking the expansion of apps that allow for multifunctional use; disrupting messaging formats and capabilities between Apple and non-Apple devices; and monopolizing the use of tap-to-pay functions on iPhones so that they only use the Apple Wallet.
Here’s the rub: Apple made over $400 billion in revenue last year. There is no way in hell that this lawsuit is going to put the company in a financial position so severe that they dramatically alter their practices; it’s not going to happen. Sure, Apple will fight the lawsuit because they have a fiduciary duty to do so, but the move doesn’t scare them any. They will continue to be the tech juggernaut that they are. They will continue to overprice their products. They will continue to make sure life is difficult for their competitors. That’s the Apple way.
And you help them every time you buy their shit.
Yeah, if this kind of stuff doesn’t drive you a bit mad, I worry about you.
Everything was going sort of okay until I tried to get out of bed. Belvedere’s noggin was going one way, mine was going another, and they collided hard enough to knock us both down. Even now, 14 hours later, I can still feel where our heads met each other. I wasn’t good for the rest of the day. My balance is still off. I almost fell forward putting the food in the dogs’ bowls. This is 100% a side effect of the chemo, but it’s also one of the side effects that may never go away.
G had a better day. He’s been saving up his money for months and was finally able to purchase a Meta Quest 2 VR headset. Setting it up took a while, but once he had it going he was having all kinds of fun. Is there a chance this is going to be a problem? Yes. He isn’t aware of who/what is around him when he’s wearing the headset. The best move is to announce which side of him you’re on. Unfortunately, the animals can’t do that. I’m waiting for a cat to become an unintended victim of a wayward step.
Watching the kids as they eagerly anticipate the arrival of packages is almost as much fun as Christmas. The excitement isn’t about the surprise factor because they know what they’re getting. The joy is centered around the fulfillment of desire, seeing something for which they’ve worked come to realization. I hope they are able to keep that joy their entire lives.
Temperatures have dropped again this morning. Taking the dogs out required layering coats. Of course, the pups don’t understand why I can’t just hop out of bed and open the back door. They get antsy waiting for me to get dressed and the more I have to wear the more anxious they become. And why am I, and so many other older people, obsessed with the weather? I asked the internet but there’s no scientific conclusion. There are moderately entertaining guesses here, here, and here, but I wouldn’t put too much weight on their accuracy. I find it interesting, though, that the thing we teased my father about is now the same thing I do each morning.
Apparently, we now have to worry about the safety of our water. Newsweek reported yesterday that water systems around the US are being hit by cyberattacks that threaten the safety of the nation’s drinking water. While water companies would presumably have time to warn people about the quality of water, there are plenty of problems with this situation and no one seems to have a firm grasp as to how to handle them. Water utilities are, at best, controlled by local municipalities. At worst, such as in Indy, they’ve been privatized by companies who have a profit obligation above the need for safety. Since boiling the water usually makes it safe to drink, I’m sticking to coffee for now.
Have you noticed how many critical world leaders are a lot older than I am? Not only is the US president and the opposition leader in the 80s, Russia’s Putin is 71, King Charles is seventy-something, and German chancellor Olaf Scholz is 65. Okay, 65 isn’t that old, but the other guys are at an age where the line between wisdom and tottering old fool is dangerously thin. We are entrusting our lives and our well-being to these idiots. You’d think the people of the world would be a lot more selective, but the systems are stacked against us. The Brits don’t really have a choice at all.
ABC News is reporting that the US has finally submitted a proposal to the UN for an immediate cease-fire in Gaza based on hostage release. I fail to understand why a cease-fire is being so difficult to pass. How can countries not be in favor of a cease-fire for any reason other than the selfish gain coming from the war? Of course, even if the UN passes the damn thing, it doesn’t have the power to enforce it. Israel will continue to do whatever the fuck it wants to do and the US Congress will continue to support them even as the rest of the world screams foul. This, among other things, is why the US is no longer in the top 20 happiest countries on earth. We keep making stupid choices.
Finally, I’ve talked all week about Comic Con being in Indy this weekend. Yes, that means thousands of strangely dressed people are heading downtown for three days starting tomorrow. You know what else, though? Indy is also hosting the first two rounds of March Madness. That means thousands of basketball fans descending on the same downtown area. Oh, and the Indiana National Guard is hosting a gun and knife show. I’m sure there’s no way those three things could collide horribly. And I’m just supposed to let my 14-year-old roam free down there with only her boyfriend for protection? I’m not going to tell her she can’t go, but this Dad is looking for ways to beef up her security. If you have any reasonable solutions, let me know.
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They’re all three phenomenal in their own right, but Shatner and Tyson love to talk. And talk. And talk some more.
While I was napping, Dreamhost, my favorite web hosting company, moved all my sites to newer, faster servers. The result should be faster loading speeds, especially on posts with full-sized images. I’ve been trying to find a balance between having a lean website and still hosting full-resolution images. This is going to help considerably. Let me know if you continue to have any problems.
Meanwhile, the Republican Study Committee (RSC) is calling for an undetermined increase in the retirement age to offset longer life expectancy. This would mean that instead of retiring at age 67, one would have to work however much longer before being able to access the funds that you specifically invested in the fund while you worked. This is the Republican’s way of “going after Social Security.”
According to CBS News, The deal on the appropriations bill includes a ban on “all direct U.S. funding for… the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees until March 2025.” This would severely hamper any aid service for Palestinian Refugees displaced by the war with Israel. If this isn’t blatant government racism, I don’t know what it is. I’m severely disappointed that the White House would agree to such a ban.
Alanbama’s governor has signed into effect a law banning diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs across public schools, universities, and state agencies. If the law survives inevitable legal challenges, it will be a horrible step in the conservative effort to erase LGBTQ+ people from society. The bill also requires that higher education institutions designate bathrooms “for use based on biological sex,” banning trans people from using public bathrooms that align with their gender identity. Especially harmful, also bans discussions of “whether slavery and racism are aligned with the founding principles of the United States.” In other words, Alabama wants to live in a fantasy land full of lies.
The state of Tennessee has gone off the fucking rails. SB2691 passed the state senate on Monday. The bill states that is is “documented the federal government or other entities acting on the federal government’s behalf or at the federal government’s request may conduct geoengineering experiments by intentionally dispersing chemicals into the atmosphere, and those activities may occur within the State of Tennessee.” The bill also says, “The intentional injection, release, or dispersion by any means, of chemicals chemical compounds, substances, or apparatus within the borders of this state into the atmosphere with the express purpose of affecting temperature, weather, or the intensity of the sunlight is prohibited.” Two things are obvious. These senators have forgotten that federal acts and legislation supersede state law. Also, they flunked high school science classes.
For everyone else who missed that part of your education, here’s what really causes the contrails behind jet planes.
I’m constantly amazed at how stupid people are.
Why do people try to be as loud as possible at the most inconvenient times of the day? Last night, the guy in the souped-up Dodge was doing donuts in the intersection next to the house. This morning, a guy in a modified pickup truck with a rusted-out bed made as much noise as he could as he raced toward the stop sign. At least he stopped but then resumed making more noise on up the street. I’ve never understood the fascination with noise. Show me stealth, make it down the street without waking the dogs, and I’ll be impressed.
Tipper is excited this morning because the feet to her furry shoes are coming today. We’re less than a month from her 14th birthday so she’s okay with these being a birthday present. Given the price, there wasn’t much other choice! She’s made as much of her furry costume as she can. The parts she can’t make are expensive!
G made jello before going to bed last night. We’re just now on day three of his two-week spring break and already he’s bored. I’m not sure how we’re going to keep him from turning the house upside down by next week. I love his energy, though, and wish I could borrow some. I’m having trouble staying under 16 hours of sleep per day.
I’m going to miss the kids coming in and chatting before and after school.
A new issue has popped up over the past two days and reoccurred again this morning: my eyes have been watering when I go outside. At first, I thought it was just the wind and the cold. That would make sense. But it happened again this morning with only a slight breeze and a comparatively balmy 42 degrees Fahrenheit. Is this a late-arriving chemo side effect or is something else going on? Trying to tell the difference is almost impossible. It feels like there’s something new every couple of days.
A friend mentioned that she was having a BLT for dinner last night and as I’m sitting here this morning, I think that would make a great breakfast. Unfortunately, we have none of the ingredients for making one. Not even the bread. Getting through the next month before my social security comes through is going to be difficult.
I have some questions for you this morning. Feel free to use the comment section to answer them.
Why does anyone care if another person has an OnlyFans page at this point? The site has been around long enough that no one should be shocked when someone uses the platform to generate some extra cash. If anything, when an employer finds out someone is making more money on OnlyFans than they are at their “normal” job, they should be embarrassed. There are too many people, especially teachers, who have to resort to second jobs to pay their bills and OnlyFans tends to be a good choice. Either let them be or pay them more money, asshole.
Do you know what “phubbing” is? It’s the “practice of ignoring one’s spouse or romantic partner to pay attention to one’s phone or other mobile device.” And apparently, according to some, it’s grounds for divorce. I’ll be honest, if you’re paying more attention to your phone than you are to the people you care most about, you have problems and I’m not sure it’s just the phone. I understand this especially applies to younger generations who can’t imagine life without a phone in their hand. Can we say “emotionally insecure?”
File under Bad Headlines: “2 ex-college Hockey Players ID’d as Victims of Murder-Suicide, Killer Was Dating One Of The Victims.” Go ahead, read that again. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? This comes from People magazine online. I almost want to ask the writer which victim the killer was dating. There are no copy editors anymore, so shit like this slips through all the time.
According to one questionable source, Hooter’s is now supposedly gay because Kristen Stewart was photographed visiting one. Uhm, hello? Lesbians are as much about boobs as teenage boys. Gay people of any gender have loved places that flaunt boobs. That doesn’t make Hooter’s or Twin Peaks or anywhere else gay. Gay people exist. Gay people love food. Gay people love boobs. How is that different from anyone else?
I have other questions as well but perhaps it’s best I save those for another time.
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Sure, it’s supposed to be the Spring (Vernal) Equinox but does it feel like it? No, of course not. Even though the air temperature is 52 degrees Fahrenheit, the wind in Central Indiana is so strong that it stings. My eyes were watering just letting the dogs out for a moment. I can’t imagine even the hardiest of fae dancing around a fire in this weather. In fact, it’s really not safe to have an open flame with this wind. There will be other days for nudity and fire. This is one to stay inside wrapped in a blanket. The only fire should be in a fireplace with a big ol’ hound dog on the rug in front of it.
And what is an equinox? It’s when the hours of daylight and hours of night are twelve hours each. Kind of. Not really. Let Neil deGrasse Tyson explain:
Apple, the computer company, was initially designed to be exclusive. It uses parts not used in other competing products. It uses different software than competing products. It’s sold specifically through Apple channels. Even the power cords and headphones are exclusive to Apple. They’ve found a way to make exclusivity work for them.
While it can offer certain advantages like unique access, loyalty benefits, or premium positioning, exclusivity also has its share of downfalls. These disadvantages can impact both businesses and consumers in various ways. Consider these points:
While exclusivity can be a powerful strategy for creating perceived value and differentiating offerings, it’s important for businesses and policy-makers to carefully consider these potential downfalls and strive for a balance that maximizes benefits while minimizing negative impacts.
While that’s all well and good, I’m not exactly known for being a business guru, am I? So, why would I go to all this trouble of defining the problems with exclusivity?
Because the same problems apply when we start talking about our personal relationships. There has been, as long as relationships have existed, a sense that exclusivity is a critical and unwavering part of our relationships. We talk about loyalty. We grow angry at the idea of cheating. We refer to our partners as “my” boyfriend or girlfriend. We use the language of possession that has been passed down for centuries even as we proclaim that we are independent individuals capable of being our own people without the influence of a spouse.
Furthermore, we enjoy applying exclusivities in the process of dating, our ways of “culling the herd” in hopes that we might find a partner who best fits with what we expect, and what we demand in a relationship. We don’t want any odd person who we might happen to bump into on the street. No, we exclusively want to partner with people of a certain height, or body mass index, or a given race, or specific religion. We use these levels of exclusivity to narrow the list until we believe we have found one that sufficiently meets our needs.
Consider, if you will, the possibility that exclusivity in relationships holds many of the same pitfalls as one sees in matters of business. The dangers are definitely there. In fact, exclusivity can doom our chances for long-term relationships before we’ve had the first date. Unlike business relationships, where committing to certain changes in operation or product is not unusual, asking someone to make a personal change in order to be with another is less likely to be stable. Time may prove that one’s ability and/or desire to change is not adequate and, when change fails to occur, the relationship dissolves.
Furthering society so that we might fully experience our whole selves requires putting aside the sense of exclusivity we apply in many of our relationships. This is not a perspective that is normal in Western society. We like to think we can improve upon the existing model without giving up the portions that don’t work. We want a good relationship without giving up the bad habits. Put away the old-fashioned concepts of romanticism and let’s look at how exclusivity is bad for relationships.
Limited Choice
One of the first things that exclusivity does is limit our choice of partners. The instant we think, “I’m only going to date people who _______,” we limit the possibilities of what could be. We think we’re eliminating traits that are not compatible with what we want in a relationship, but what we are doing is generalizing, putting people into categories with the assumption that they’re all the same.
A frequent limitation is religion. I have personal experience with this one. Growing up as a pastor’s son, there was immense pressure to only date someone who was of the same Christian denomination as my parents. This expectation was so intense that anytime I mentioned being interested in a young woman, my mother’s first question would be, “Is she Baptist?” I’m not sure my mother would ever have accepted anyone from any other belief system as a daughter-in-law.
I know I’m not the only one who has faced similar limitations with expectations of exclusivity that may not be our own. Some cultures have made such exclusivity so severe that social shunning, disinheriting, and even death may occur if the exclusivity isn’t upheld. For some, the explanation is that they must “uphold and continue the bloodline,” but of what real purpose are such bloodlines other than to deny rights to those outside those bloodlines?
One philosophy exists that says we cannot know who/what we truly love until we blind ourselves to the limitations we’ve put in place. If we remove our inherent prejudices and consider the whole individual, we open ourselves to finding a partner/s with whom we’re genuinely compatible.
Legal and Ethical Issues
As incredible as it may seem, societies remain that encode in law which one may marry. Primarily, these laws exist in places that are under theocratic control, which itself is a severe ethical issue. They primarily perpetuate the notion that women are property and have no control over their lives. As they see it, this restriction is necessary to continue the growth of the religion. In a couple of cases, bloodline comes into play as well, but even within that exclusivity, religion is a primary ingredient.
Such limitations are inherently in violation of a person’s human rights. When stating that one has the right to believe, one must include that one also has the right to not believe. Anything else violates that person’s humanity. Governments and religions, corporations, and political parties have no right to make demands that violate personhood. It is sad that even in the US, the right for people of different races to marry has existed for fewer years than I’ve been alive. The right for people of the same gender to marry has existed in the US for less than a decade.
When we try to apply any form of exclusivity to sexuality and relationships on a large scale, we flirt with the possibility that we might infringe upon the civil and human rights of one or both parties. How is that a stable way to start a relationship? This goes beyond the question of personal preference. When matters of exclusivity become law, we are denying rights to the group of people affected.
Potential for Complacency
I’ve known people who could eat a cheeseburger every day, from the same restaurant, and never grow tired of it. I’ve known other people who wouldn’t think of eating the same thing for two days in a row. When we set exclusivity limits in our relationships, we are essentially doing the former, deciding that we are good at dealing with the same person with all their faults and shortcomings, because we like who they are at the core. Some call this love. Others call this settling. Either way, the potential for complacency is there and it can destroy relationships.
Complacency doesn’t set in right away, of course. One has to commit to the repetition, not just of the who, but what. Being with the same person day after day doesn’t get old if what we get from that person changes. Using the restaurant example again, one can go to the same place, the same coffee shop, the same burger joint, every day but not get tired because there’s more than one thing on the menu that you like. When I go to my favorite coffee shop, the barista knows that I’m going to choose between strong black coffee and a carrot cake chai, depending on how I’m feeling. If I ever grow tired of those choices, there are other options. That minimizes the chances of complacency.
When we are with people who grow, people who challenge themselves, and people who reach beyond the borders of the norm, then we are significantly less likely to become complacent. But when we are with people who do the same exact thing, even if it starts out thoughtful, every day without changing, we start taking things for granted.
For example, I once knew a young man who brought his bride a single red rose starting immediately after they were married. Every day, on his way to work, he would stop by the local florist, pick the most perfect rose he could find, and have it sent to her. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? At first, it was lovely; she gushed with excitement each time a rose arrived. Over time, though, especially on days when she was busy, the roses weren’t as special, she began to neglect them, wouldn’t treat them as gently, and threw away the dying ones sooner than she had before.
One day, as they were arguing over something trivial, she told him to “take your stupid roses and shove them up your ass.” His gesture had become ordinary and unappreciated. Their relationship had become complacent (not only regarding the roses).
Our lives yearn for variety. We want things to be different, preferably better. We long for excitement that exclusivity doesn’t provide. When this happens, we get bored, cranky, and dissatisfied with the very things that once we found attractive.
Just as companies with exclusive contracts have to continually improve their product and their service, relationships, even the best of them, have to grow and improve to prevent becoming mindless habits that we do simply because we don’t know how to do anything else. Relationships end because they no longer feel worthwhile. The value is lost, so we start looking elsewhere.
Barriers to Market Entry
Young people of many generations were raised with the idea that their primary goal in life was to get married and have babies. What else was there to do? In the centuries when women were discouraged from working, the dream was to find a husband who wouldn’t beat them too often and might provide them with a comfortable place to raise their children. The bar was set pretty damn low. For men, the goal was to find a wife who would be the perfect accessory to their lives, look good at social events, bear beautiful and intelligent children, and always have a delicious meal ready at the end of the day.
These ideals were so engrained that if one reached the age of 16-18 and did not appear to have any prospects, then anxiety and worry began to set in. If none of the people from the preferred group met all the exclusivity criteria, such as the correct religion and an honorable family, then one would have to look at the next group down on the social ladder, and then the next, and the next. The problem with this approach was that with each subsequent group, the chances of finding someone who met the exclusivity requirements grew more difficult. Looking for a virgin? Good luck! Looking for someone who cooked like your mother? Probably not going to happen.
Soon, a thought creeps in: what if I don’t find anyone? We start feeling desperate. We look at our list of exclusivities and begin removing barriers we are willing to live without. As soon as we find someone who is willing to go on a second date, we start planning the engagement and wedding before they have a chance to change their mind.
How much better is it when we toss the idea of exclusive traits and personalities out the window before we even start looking? One of the improvements among some younger generations is that they were empowered to not give in to the dangerous relationship norms of their parents and grandparents. The world is different, so focusing first on employment isn’t a social horror. Putting off having children is generally considered an intelligent move. Not having children at all actually becomes attractive. And who wants someone who doesn’t have a clue what they’re doing in the bedroom?
Even today, some 40 years after the fact, I still wonder what would have happened, how my life might have changed, had I dropped my own exclusivity barriers and dated the girl to whom I gave my senior ring. My reasons for dropping her seem petty now. I was being too exclusive and might have missed out on a wonderful relationship… or a complete nightmare. We never know at the beginning exactly how things in a relationship are going to turn out, but if we are exclusive in our dating habits we automatically eliminate what could be the best relationship of our lives.
Dating multiple people, possibly at the same time, also needs to be more of a norm. When we latch our hooks into the first person who makes it to the third date and makes the relationship exclusive, we cut off access to those who might be a better fit. Unfortunately, there’s a double standard in dating around. For men, the habit is considered normal, considering his options, sowing his “wild oats,” and waiting for just the right person to “take home to Mom.” Women, on the other hand, are slut shamed for dating too many people. What bothers me even more is that it is often other women who do the shaming. Doesn’t a woman have every right to be noncommittal? Setting up artificial barriers to entry through this kind of exclusivity is a sign of immaturity and narcissism. Who in their right mind wants that?
Dependence on a Limited Customer Base
“You can only date people who are of the same sect of religion as your family.” Growing up, I heard this all the time. “You can’t date a catholic, they’re not a real Christian.” “You can’t someone from the Assemblies of God because they speak in tongues.” “She seems like a nice girl but her church believes you can lose your salvation.” The list went on and on and on. I was expected to exclusively date Southern Baptist girls. From the outset, I had to deal with a limited “customer base.”
The choices grew more narrow from there. Could she cook? Could she sing? Was she suitable for a life of ministry? With each question, the pool grew more and more narrow, and finding someone who liked me as much as I liked them, and was willing to admit that in public, grew increasingly difficult.
Around the world, young people are facing the same demands from their families, their mosques, their synagogues, and their friends to look within such an exclusive group of people that it is no wonder some prefer to rely upon arranged marriages. The pool of people they might be compatible with is so small that the best match may never be found.
Forced exclusivity is also dangerous. When we are forced into such limited choices, the chances of partnering with someone who is ultimately controlling and abusive go up considerably. Religious cults operate heavily this way, making it almost impossible for an abused woman to leave a dangerous relationship. Even more frightening is that in many religions, failure to adhere to the exclusive expectations can result in more abuse and even death. There remain plenty of countries in which fleeing from family and religion can become a self-imposed death sentence.
Interestingly, religion survives on such exclusivity. Take away the forced marriage requirements and most religions quickly fall apart. Young people are smart enough to see the fallacies of their teachings, the limitations to their personhood and individuality, and the lack of freedom that these religions impose under the guise of “god’s will.” Providing them safe means of escape is difficult but a laudable venture.
Customer Alienation
“They need to get that fucking stick out of their ass.”
Are people saying that about you? In an age of online dating and social media, managing how other people perceive us can be a full-time job. Are we posting too much or too little? Does my hair look good? Is this the best filter? Do I look fun and exciting?
Sadly, one fairly common attitude is to make oneself look as exclusive as possible. I understand wanting to match with someone who has the same goals and interests, but some of these other barriers border on being ridiculous. Here are a few that I’ve seen:
There are so many ways to try to make oneself look exclusive, but when we do we need to be aware that not everyone is going to find your exclusivity attractive. In fact, the more exclusive we try to make ourselves, the more likely it is that reasonable people will turn up their noses and walk away. No one wants to be with someone difficult to please. I think of this every time I see someone on social media complain about how difficult it is to find someone who meets their criteria. Perhaps, my dear, you’re making yourself too difficult to be likable.
High Costs
Some people’s lists of exclusive demands are so severe that being in a relationship becomes expensive. For example, there are plenty of people who insist on only dining in the best of restaurants. They would never consider even a mid-market eatery such as TGI Fridays or Applebee’s. Every once in a while, nice restaurants are fun, but every night? Really? That’s a little too exclusive, don’t you think? And no, sweetheart, you don’t deserve it.
Life is expensive, especially if you’re under 45. Expecting the person in your relationship to do things like pay half your rent when they’re not living with you, buy you expensive presents, and take you to expensive concerts and vacations, without you compensating in like form isn’t only an impossible level of exclusivity but it’s just mean.
Being able to appreciate the simpler things in life is an admirable characteristic that makes one more attractive. Can you be happy with homemade tuna salad sandwiches? Bonus points. Do you drive the same car until the wheels fall off? Bonus points. Are you not afraid to shop at Goodwill or vintage boutiques? Bonus points. Do you do your own shopping? Bonus points.
There’s nothing wrong with appreciating and enjoying the finer things in life. We appreciate nice things more, though, when they’re not an everyday thing. As I’ve already mentioned, when we get nice things all the time, we become complacent and increasingly narcissistic.
Such exclusivity is horrible for a relationship. What happens if the economy takes a downturn and all that money is lost? What happens if your partner loses their high-paying job, or any job for that matter? What happens if, heaven forbid, your partner becomes ill or disabled? Are you so intent on being exclusive that you’d kick a person to the curb for not being able to keep up with your financial expectations, or would you stick with them through the struggles even if it causes you stress?
Giving in to exclusive demands hurts us just as much. When we give in to unreasonable requests, we lose part of our autonomy. Do that enough times and you lose your identity, becoming nothing more than “that person’s partner.” What is the cost of your individuality? Are you willing to completely give up who you are to be part of a relationship? Being in an exclusive relationship should never feel as though you’ve sold your soul to the devil or anyone else.
Limited Market Reach
If it wasn’t obvious before, it should be by now that exclusivity in relationships is limiting in ways that are unhealthy, undesirable, and unsustainable. When we make our relationships exclusive, we turn away from other options. As we see fewer people, fewer people see us. The fewer options we’re willing to consider, the fewer options we have for ourselves.
The world is full of people and even if you’re compatible with only 0.5% of the people on the planet, that is somewhere around 368,000,000 people for whom you might be the perfect partner! With an opportunity like that, why would anyone want to limit the options with unnecessary rules about who you will and won’t consider? Sure, you may not have the time nor the means to get to know 368,000,000 people, but 3,680 makes a reasonable pool size, don’t you think? Why limit yourself with these exclusionary rules? Wake up and embrace the possibilities! There’s no sense in making a life more difficult than it needs to be!
Exceptions
Sure, there are some exclusions we all need to make. No one needs to be stuck in a relationship with anyone who puts their life in danger. People who are abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, demanding, demeaning, derogatory toward you, isolating, insulting, and/or gaslighting need to be kicked out of the relationship pool altogether. Even if you made the mistake of saying, “Till death do us part,” don’t let yourself be trapped. If a relationship becomes dangerous for you at any point, it’s time to leave. If you can’t leave on your own, find help. It’s out there.
Exploring the Options
You’re never too old to try something, or someone new. The options are myriad. You can have relationships with more than one person. You can have relationships with people of multiple genders (or no gender). You can swing. You can play. You can explore within set safety limits. All manner of options are out there if you choose to explore something other than exclusivity.
What’s most important is that we first be honest with ourselves: what makes us truly happy? If we don’t know, then it’s time to find out! To hell with being exclusive! See what really makes you happy and go for it.
Wrath Warning
Nothing is more blasphemous than the former grifter-in-chief hawking “customized” Bibles during Holy Week. The level of backlash the entire party should receive for indulging in this nonsense would be never-ending if there were, in fact, genuine Christians at the head of any major denomination. There once was a time, not terribly long ago, when this would have been enough to end his campaign. But then, how many times have we said that same thing about other shenanigans and idiocies this over-hyped fool has perpetrated?
One of the aspects of this mess is the narcissist stating that he wants to “Make America Pray Again.” Say what? Is it just me or does that sound like a threat? Stop and think about it. When are people most likely to pray? When they’re afraid. When do even non-believing people start to pray? When their lives are in danger. When are we most likely to be afraid for our lives? If this idiot gets re-elected. He’s already been talking about retribution and he’s made it quite clear that he plans on taking an authoritarian, even dictatorial stance if he should get back into office. There is nothing about this move that is comforting or Christian. In fact, this is an insult to everything that is genuinely American.
This comes at a time when more people are leaving the church than joining it. The number of atheists has doubled. The number of agnostics has more than doubled. Of those leaving, 67% say they are doing so because they no longer agree with that religion’s teaching. Okay, so find a different religion, right? Nope, only 9% are looking for any kind of substitute. People are increasingly fed up with the nonsense that religions are spouting, especially aggressive anti-LGBTQIA+ rhetoric. A smart campaign manager would look at that trend and say, “Hey, we need to step away from the religious bullshit.”
Such a level of grift reminds me of the hundreds of thousands of people who gave money to the late televangelist Jim Bakker. There was the Christian theme park. There were the “End Times” food buckets. There were prayer clothes and “holy oil” and all manner of nonsense for which people would pay believing that it would somehow make them better Christians. The evidence, however, points to the fact that such devotion only leads to increased levels of hate, the church doing more harm than good, and innocent people victimized.
Furthermore, if one is going to believe the Bible at all, one has to be concerned that such blasphemy is inviting God’s wrath on anyone who participates in the nonsense. Remember the Golden Calf? 3,000 died and the rest were struck with a plague. [Exodus 32:1-35] Of course, there’s been no such wrath for 6,000 years, so either there’s no God to get angry or no teeth to his threats. But if you’re going to believe, then perhaps it would be a good time to repent of such idolatry.
None of this has any place in politics. Politics should be about who would be the best leader, not the best grifter, not the best preacher, not the biggest felon. Smart, intelligent people are onto the scam and want nothing to do with it. Those who are shelling out $80 for their package are just stupid. There’s no other way to look at it.
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