I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world. —Jay London
Photographers love most of our clients, but the nightmares come when unreasonable requests are made
We like you. We really, really like you. Photographers love their clients, especially repeat clients who keep coming back for portraits or other special imagery. We love clients who understand the value of what we do, who don’t keep needling us when it takes longer than expected to finish their pictures, and especially the ones who tell their friends that they need to use us as well. These are the people for whom we might consider bending the rules every once in a while, and for whom we’ll at least consider their more outrageous requests.
Then, there are the nightmares. These are the clients who are never satisfied with their pictures, the ones who question your quality, whether you even know what you’re doing, and claim that their four-year-old could do better. We stay up at night fearing the client who trashes us to their friends, but then comes back again and has the audacity to ask for a discount or special service that you don’t normally offer. These are not nice people.
Yet, as professionals, we are supposed to take the nightmares with a grain of salt, keep a smile on our face, and attempt to say no to their requests while re-directing them back to our stated policies. I was amused earlier this week when a sponsored article popped up in my Facebook newsfeed offering a chart with answers to the most common objections photographers face. The chart was created by Joy Vertz, a portrait photographer based in Mequon, Wisconsin. The advice she gives is solid. However …
What We Say Isn’t Always What We’re Thinking
Ms. Vertz is one of those lovely, positive, go-get-’em people who doesn’t take no for an answer. She smiles, redirects, restates, and closes the sale. She’s successful both in terms of her own photography business and also with helping other photographers who are struggling. I’ve never met her, but I’m sure she’s a wonderfully nice person who could sell a block of ice to a resident of the South Pole. Some people just have that right attitude for selling.
The rest of us, however, struggle with closing sales. Not all of us are natural-born salespeople. In fact, the more creative we are, the more difficult it can be for us to function in a business capacity. We work best when someone else handles all the sales closing stuff, leaving us to take the pictures and be creative and occasionally do some really amazing work. Dealing with anyone who is the slightest bit contrarian isn’t our strong point.
As I was reading through Ms. Vertz’s list of objections, I couldn’t help thinking, “Yes, that’s what you should say, but that’s not what I would be thinking.” I’m one of those people who does better when Kat closes the sale. She’s friendly, cheerful, and can keep a smile on her face even when talking to a complete idiot. I can’t. Stupid people make me want to throw things. So, I thought it might be fun, since it’s Saturday and if you’re reading this after 8:00 AM you’re probably not out shooting today, to consider what we would actually like to say to clients who cause us nightmares. The objections come from Ms. Vertz’s list. I don’t have time to address them all, but this should be enough to make my point.
You are too expensive. I can’t afford you.
Wrong. You don’t want to pay me for the value of my work. You want a discount. You always want a discount. Yet, you’ll pay $8 for that freakin’ latte you’re holding. You down what, three of those a day? I’m not too expensive, you just have really lousy priorities, are selfish, and fail to value anyone in the service industries. Go away. I don’t have time for you.
I just want a disk of images
Why? Because you want to share them online (which is fine if you’ve paid for the disc) or because you want to take them to the drug store and get really crappy prints instead of paying my prices? Or even worse, you’re not going to try printing them on your home inkjet, are you? After I’ve spent hours getting the tonal and color quality of your images just right, you’re going to ruin them by printing on some non-calibrated crappy little no-name printer you picked up at a garage sale? And then you’ll complain because the pictures don’t “look right.” Please.
Just put them online for us to look at
Damn, you’re lazy. If you think I’m going to wait around for months while you do everything but choose your proofs, you’re crazy. Make a decision already. Chances are you’re going to go with your first choice, anyway. Better yet, let me decide for you. You’re too distracted to pay attention to what you’re doing. You’re giving me a headache.
[By the way, Joy’s answer to this one is spot on: To have an online gallery is $500 which applies 100% to your order placed within 1 week. It is $25 for each additional week. ]
What is the cheapest way I can get an image for Facebook?
Take a fucking selfie like everyone else? Pay for a session and we’ll happily give you permission to use the finished photos online with appropriate credit. Re-edit the picture or fail to give credit, though, and I’m SO going to bitch. Okay, not really, but I’ll think bad thoughts about you and complain about you to my dog.
Can I see all the photos?
Uhm, no. Part of my job is to make you look good. You know, remove the blemishes from things like really bad acne, or removing those horrid dark circles from under your eyes because you don’t sleep, eat horribly, smoke like a fucking chimney, and drink three bottles of wine a night. You come here wanting me to make you look flawless and glamorous like a model. So no, I’m not showing you all the photos.
You don’t mind that I brought all of our cousins along, do you?
Uhm, YES! First of all, pull those kids off the props. This is not a fucking playground. Do I look like someone who has the patience of a preschool teacher? You do realize there’s no way I’m getting five toddlers all looking in the same direction at the same time, even if I had a puppy. I’m going to need half a bottle of scotch after we finish this one and you had damn well better buy the largest package we offer. Your child just peed on my carpet. I hate you.
We really love our clients.
Of course, we would never actually say any of those things to anyone’s face. We do our best to be polite and nice and not curse too much in front of children. At least two-thirds of our clients are really wonderful people. We enjoy working with them. However, we keep having nightmares. Every photographer I know has nightmares.
If you look on our home page, where we describe our services, we provide the instruction: Please be sure to communicate your needs fully to avoid any surprises. One of those surprises is that we will charge an additional fee to clients who are especially difficult. If someone is going to be a complete pain-in-the-ass, they’re going to pay for that experience.
Now you know what we’re thinking. Be a good client, not a nightmare. Thank you.
Friday Morning Update: 11/08/24
A solid night’s sleep hasn’t been possible since Tuesday and I’m sure I’m not alone. Regardless of what time I go to bed, or what tools I use to help me sleep, I wake up from dystopian dreams somewhere between 12 and 12:30. I’m usually able to go back to sleep after getting my bearings and realizing where I am. But then, I wake up somewhere around 3:00, again from disturbing visions of the future, and that’s it. I’m awake for the morning. Too many of you are right there with me. Too many of you aren’t sleeping at all.
Kat worked at the salon for a while yesterday. She only took two clients, finishing up around 8:00 PM. She was exhausted and couldn’t get to bed fast enough. G has a business shadow day this morning after which he’ll go to the salon and help out his mom with some of the details around the shop. I’m still concerned that she’s moving too quickly, though I understand why she’s pushing herself. She feels the weight of the world is on her shoulders. She always has. She desperately needs some of that weight removed without threatening the health and safety of everyone in the family.
I did make a mistake last night. In the throws of exhaustion, I had dinner delivered. A part of that dinner included street corn and I have no idea what flavoring and/or spices were used in its preparation. The result was a colon cleanse so thorough that I could have had a colonoscopy this morning, no problem. The kids didn’t seem to have any problem with their food, so I assume the corn was the only issue.
Getting less sleep at night means I’m napping more during the day which means I’m getting less done. My head is already spinning as I type. I can’t go back to bed yet, though, as I’m having milk and cat food delivered this morning. I still have a handful of Tony’s pictures to finish as well. Maybe I’m not as ready for a comeback as I thought I was. Even when I took the dogs out yesterday, I had to sit in a chair the entire time instead of walking around the yard with them.
Like many of you, I worry that matters are going to get worse before they get better. Here are some of the stories I’m reading this morning:
Hold on, I’m not done yet. I’ve had plenty of time to read this morning.
Even the animals are upset. 43 monkeys escape from a South Carolina medical lab. The young female monkeys, all too young to have any disease, left after a door was suspiciously left open. While “There is almost no danger to the public,” according to officials, residents of the nearby town are still cautious, and not all the monkeys have been found. Something tells me the Rhesus macaque primates heard how bad healthcare for women is in the United States and are trying to ‘go back where they came from.’
Llamas in Utah are apparently trying to catch a train going anywhere but Utah. No one seems to know where they came from, where they’re going, or whether they’ve been captured. The domesticated animals obviously got news of the election results, though, and decided to make a break for it. When the animals start leaving, you have to wonder why so many humans are staying.
Midst all the fear on the part of friends and family, I am mystified why some progressives are still quoting “love one another” Bible verses on social media. Stop it. You’re not helping. You had a fucking year to use your comic book scripture to affect the election. What was the result? 8 in 10 of white evangelicals VOTED FOR THE RAPIST! Obviously, there’s no power at all in your Bible verses. Put the damn book back on the shelf and leave it alone. I can find quotes about other ancient mythologies that are more appropriate. Try this one on for size:
“But suddenly the world turned sideways. I realized I’d been played with. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades had been set at each other’s throats by someone else…”
Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
Not good enough? Hmmmm, what else can I find quickly…
“When an impious band madly raged to extinguish the Roman name in the blood of Cæsar, the human race was astonished with sudden terror at ruin so universal, and the whole earth shook with horror.”
Ovid, Metamorphoses
And I haven’t even opened any of the volumes by Homer yet. Philosopher Northrop Frye wrote, “The disinterested imaginative core of mythology is what develops into literature, science, philosophy. Religion is applied mythology.” All the scripture verses in the world fail to capture any meaning because they are all, every last one of them, based on myth and a lack of understanding of modern science. Quoting them changes nothing and this election has certainly proven that to be true.
I also oppose the basic philosophy that love is a cure for the hate that fueled this election and its consequences. When the fuck has that ever worked? There were people who had the same ideas in Germany. By the way, today is the anniversary of Hitler’s failed 1923 ‘Beer Hall Putsch.” So, why didn’t love stop the bad man’s war then? Where was the love that could have stopped the murder of not only Jews but millions of others, including gays and anyone that we would now consider neurodivergent? Love doesn’t stop shit. The apologetics that comes with a “love everyone” attitude merely opens a door for hate and terror to come marching on in.
What I can promise you is that I will not be silent. When have I ever been quiet? I am gathering up all my energy to roar as loudly as this chemo-tortured body is able. Sure, at best we only have around 100 readers a day, and the greater majority of those are Facebook friends and acquaintances. Still, this is my voice and I will use it.
I can also promise to do my best to keep safe all those around me. So help me, if someone tells my daughter, “Your body, my choice,” I’m taking their fucking head off. If someone tells Kat that, be certain that she will take their head off. That statement is a blatant and intentional threat. I have zero tolerance for such threats. I will not hesitate to commit acts of violence if it will save the life and humanity of someone I care about. I may be small, but I have my mother’s temper and she managed to keep rowdy classes of fourth graders quiet. You don’t want to mess with that energy.
No, I don’t think we’re going to see any jackbooted thugs coming down our street. Instead, we’re going to see laws passed that quietly repeal one right after another. The Constitution will be gutted and the Supreme Court will be complicit. There will be no safe corner in the United States where we can peacefully live. We either fight or we die.
Which is it going to be?
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