Today marks 19 years since I moved from Atlanta to Indianapolis. I’ve lived here longer than anywhere. I have more connections here than anywhere. Yet, there is this eternal, nagging feeling that this is not home. I constantly question whether I’m doing anyone any good by being here. Two weeks in, I knew I had made a horrible mistake, but I was contractually obligated at the time, and by the time that contract was over, I was too broke to move back. That condition has remained the same ever since, and now Atlanta’s changed so much that I can’t see myself returning there. I’m not sure there’s anywhere now where I’m going to feel at home.
There is no way today is a good day. The rain kept me in pain, tossing and turning all night. I’ve had the headache from hell all night but I can’t take more pain meds until after 7:00. I gave up and decided to sit at the desk a little after 4. The dogs started pawing at me around 4:30, but I tried putting them off until at least 6. When they paw, they scratch, and my skin is fragile enough that it bleeds. So, at 5:00 I finally relented and let them out. When we came in, as per routine, I fed them and the cats. If I don’t feed the cats they get loud. Apparently, that was a mistake. The dogs eating woke Kat up and now she’s pissed at me.
The rain will continue to fall all day. My body hasn’t liked rain for years because of the arthritis. In my current condition, all pain levels are elevated. I can’t sleep. Eating is difficult. Walking is difficult. Sitting isn’t comfortable. There’s nothing about this existence that’s going to feel good no matter what I do. I’ve shut the door to the Recovery Room and will do my best to stay away from other people so that I don’t ruin the day for everyone who has to put up with me.
19 years ago, I was contractually obligated to be in Indianapolis on this date. That meant I had to leave on Ben’s 10th birthday. There was a big party going on in his grandparent’s yard when I had to say goodbye. He seemed annoyed that I was interrupting his fun. After all, it was his birthday. There were more important things than Dad leaving, right?
I didn’t get to talk to him yesterday. I messaged him, left him a voicemail, but his life still has too many other things going on. I hear from Ben the least. I’m not sure where he’s working or what’s going on in his personal life. From his perspective, it probably doesn’t matter. It never has. Even when his mom and I first separated, I’d call in the evening and after a couple of weeks Ben told me, “Dad, you know you don’t have to call every night.”
What I did get was a very attractive picture of Gabe, my third in line. His hair is about the same length as mine now, only more full, like mine was when I was young. He turns 26 next week. My leaving hurt him the most. He didn’t understand that I wasn’t coming back for his birthday. The phone call I fielded that afternoon still hurts me today. I wasn’t there for my baby. I should have broken the fucking contract and gone back.
Now, I worry how much I’ll disappoint G and Tipper. I need to find someplace to live where someone can take of me without being stressed, if such a place exists. I’ll be leaving two more kids that I love. Maybe they’ll be like Ben and it won’t bother them that I’m gone, that I won’t be here in the morning or when they get home from school. After all, they have their own friends, do their own thing, spend a lot of time in their rooms on the phone or in games. If I’m lucky, they won’t miss me.
Groceries yesterday totalled a touch over $330 including a 44-pound bag of dog food that I struggled to wrangle into the house. One of the issues with having groceries delivered is that it is only right that the shopper be tipped. A 15% tip on yesterday’s order was just short of $45. I would have rather paid a friend to take me and walk with me as I did the shopping myself. It would have been more productive. 12 items were substituted out of a list of 30. That’s over 30%. I have trouble believing that the only substitute available for frozen french fries was “potato puffs.” When I ask for a frozen family meal, an individual meal is not an adequate substitute. Isn’t that just common sense? Apparently not.
Food items and their costs are only going to get worse. There’s nothing I can do to stop that. Earlier this morning I was reading that more companies are looking for ways to reduce the amount of cocoa in their products, including candy makers such as Mars and Hershey. Global warming and disease are to blame. Resources have diminished so dramatically that it is not sustainable for companies to continue using high-price ingredients even if they raise the price. They know that there’s a limit to how much people are willing to pay for a 2.5-ounce candy bar.
The problem isn’t just with cocoa, though. Last year, coffee prices took a huge jump after supplies ran dangerously low. That’s why you’re paying $6 for a six-ounce cup of your favorite brew. Part of the issue is that competitive alternatives, such as mushroom coffee, still contain bean coffee in some form. By the time you add in the cost of the additional processing, the alternatives cost more than the original, making them not so much of an alternative for anyone who’s on a budget, and who isn’t on a budget? More and more of the things we at are being affected by the weather and the result is we’re paying higher prices at the store.
Of course, it would be insensitive of me to not mention that at least we can get to food. There are still millions upon millions of people around the world for whom food is a pipe dream. They keep hoping for relief and each day their hopes are dashed. The problem isn’t so much a lack of food, but a lack of desire to solve the fucking problem. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, billionaires could eliminate hunger completely by 2030. They just have zero motivation to do so.
There is no sunshine today, only gray. This has taken long enough that I can take more pain meds now. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep. I’m not expecting anything to be any better later in the day, though. Why would it? Life is little more than a string of pain punctuated by disappointment.
Morning Update: 09/17/24
COVID Edition, Day 3
Everyone is home today. G hasn’t tested positive, yet, but he’s not feeling great. We’re keeping him home out of an abundance of caution to prevent any further spread. Tipper is feeling better and may be able to go back to school tomorrow. Kat seemed better yesterday, but I was already asleep by the time she got home last night so I don’t know how a full day of work affected her. I still feel like absolute shit. How bad is it? Hamilton, the dog who hates to snuggle, snuggled as close as he possibly could last night. I’m worried I may be dying.
Fortunately, there’s not really much in the news worth your time. There’s a lot of blabber about this, that, and some other thing, but none of it is going to directly affect your life in any way today. Breathe deep. Let it go.
I do find it interesting that the KC Chiefs dumped Tight End Peyton Hendershot yesterday. The IU grad wasn’t even suited up and playing last week when he shoved a Baltimore Ravens player on the sidelines. That earned the Chiefs a $100,000 fine. We’re assuming this is behavior he learned during his previous stint with the Cowboys. Such nonsense isn’t tolerated by Andy Reid & Co.
Ohio is having to assign state troopers to protect schools in Springfield due to the overwhelming number of threats. This is beyond ridiculous. Anyone who thinks there’s a shred of truth to the myth of Haitian immigrants eating pets is a moron. Anyone who would threaten to harm people because of that myth needs to be locked away in an asylum.
Houston got an unexpected jolt yesterday when a car ran through a fence and hit a valve on a gas pipeline, resulting in a massive explosion. The fire didn’t even think about dying down until early this morning. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated, and if you’ve never been trapped by a gas leak (I have), I gotta tell you it’s a harrowing moment of wondering whether it’s safe to move. Of course, the dude in the car was incinerated.
Oh, here’s a fun conversation to have with someone. A New York woman is challenging Miss America and Miss World rules banning mothers from beauty pageants. Now, this should raise at least a couple of arguments. The first one that comes to mind is why the fuck are we still having fucking beauty contests? The fact that any part of our society is not over the whole concept of comparative beauty is disgusting. The second conversation is the entire topic of single mothers who have never been married. This is a social thing, not a moral one. Quite honestly, I don’t have a problem with it. If you’re going to insist that everyone carry their baby to term, then you have to support them once the kid is here, not block their access to scholarships.
If you’re feeling really brave, jump in on the conversation about how pregnancy affects a woman’s brain. Mind you, this is real science, not hyperbole. We’re better understanding the adjustments the brain has to make to support the growth of a fetus and the stress it places on a woman’s body.
Speaking of births, today is my eldest son’s 33rd birthday!! I doubt anyone who knows him reads this, though. I’ll have to say something on Facebook to get him some attention.
I think this is about all I can handle this morning. The twins have been trying to help me type since I sat down at the desk. The dogs are ready to go out.
Don’t forget to drink your coffee, by the way. A new study suggests that drinking coffee offsets the negative effect of sitting on your ass all day. Mind you, it’s still theory at this point, but why take any chances?
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