Caring Is Just Too Difficult
Not all caring, of course. I care about individual people, how far it is to the nearest coffee shop, and whether one of the dogs has pooped in the hallway. There are always things to care about.
Caring is really difficult, though, when you don’t see any progress and when others who cared begin to give up, and you start feeling alone. Cancer of any kind is a long haul. You don’t really “get better.” You have good days. You have bad days. You’re in remission. You’re in relapse. And what worked for one person doesn’t work for you.
Particular to leukemia, there is a bone marrow disease, myelodysplastic syndrome, that can occur after chemo is completed. The disease can dramatically shorten one’s survival rate. But there’s no way to know if one is likely to get myelodysplastic syndrome until after all the chemotreatment is complete.
There’s also the drain that comes with longer terms of chemo, such as some oral treatments that stretch out at least two years. Two years is an eternity for friends and family who start wishing you’d just “get over it” or “start feeling better.”
People get tired of hearing you ask for help. They get tired of worrying whether you’re safe.
And no, you’re not safe. Ever. There’s always something to worry about. Are you taking your meds on time? Is insurance covering your meds? Do you need to adjust your meds? Will a dizzy spell hit out of nowhere? Will you fall? If you fall will you break something?
What’s more frightening than anything, though, is that people who care just give up and start walking away. Being emotionally alone is scary as hell. Sure, you may be in a “safe” environment, but you don’t know those people, and caring for you is their job, one that doesn’t pay enough, leaves them with sore feet and backs, and has an incredibly high turnover rate. How is anyone supposed to feel safe in that environment?
If caring is too heavy a burden, perhaps the answer is to just be alone, away from everyone. If we cut all ties, that saves everyone the trouble of caring, doesn’t it?
After all, no one wants to be a burden.