Somedays one takes a nap only to wake up and discover that the whole world has gone to hell in a handbasket. Okay, that can’t really happen because that’s exactly where we were before we took the nap. But, among the things slapping me in the face of reality are facts such as the Boy Scouts of America are changing their name to be more inclusive, TikTok owner ByteDance sued the US Government over the whole influence/data kerfuffle, and oh, look at this, I only have nine years left to live. Don’t laugh, if you’re using Social Security as any portion of your income, you’re in for a 21% cut come 1/1/33.
Now, Congress can fix that automatic reduction, but let’s be realistic: they won’t. Congress, for the past 16 years, has been the biggest bunch of do-nothing morons the world has ever seen. This particular Congress has passed fewer than 100 bills, the lowest amount ever. Why? Because they’re too busy flapping their yaps about things that you and I don’t give a shit about, like who’s giving the best hand job under the table. The chances that any future Congress is going to do any better is nill because there are too many nut jobs who think they need to elect people like them who are also nut jobs, which is how Marjorie Taylor Greene got into office in the first place. No, you idiots, you need to elect people who are smarter than you because you don’t know shit about running a government.
Anyway, I already can’t afford to live on what I’m making from Social Security and I damn sure can’t handle a 21% cut when I’m 72 years old. That means I need to get back to work taking pictures or I’m going to die. That’s it. My only salvation is to get back to doing the one thing I know best: photography.
Of course, that comes with a number of challenges. In case you hadn’t noticed, I have nothing in my archives newer than 2021. That means I need to take a shit ton of new pictures. Should be doable, right? Oh yeah, I don’t have any equipment anymore! And to go out and purchase all new pro-level equipment would set me back around $15,000 which I don’t have. Furthermore, given that this is like starting all over again, there’s no way I dare go into debt because I may well keel over and die before I can pay it back.
Ah, but there is a solution. My dear phone, which I loathe when it rings, has a 36-megapixel camera built in. While the zoom on the lens leaves a lot to be desired, it’s surprisingly good at portraits. I can shoot in RAW mode, onboard in Lightroom, and then finish up in Photoshop just like I would using any other digital camera. How good is it?
I took that shot in my bathroom just now with only the 8-megapixel self-facing camera, indoors, using only ambient light. Now, if you’ve seen me in person lately, you know I don’t even come close to actually looking that good. If I can do that good with the bad side of the phone, imagine how much better resolution I can get with the good side facing you!
So, I’m issuing an Open Call for “models” who are willing to help me build out my portfolio again. I’m thinking especially of some surreal concepts based on some of the strange movies I’ve seen and the costumes at last night’s Met Gala (Rita Ora’s beads, for starters). Talk to me, either here or on Facebook, and let’s put something together!
Now, be aware that I’m not as young and nimble as I once was. Because of all these fun health issues I now have, we get to abide by the following rules:
- We don’t shoot at my place, wherever that may be. Home has to be a place of rest and recovery. I cannot compromise on that issue.
- You have to pick me up. I can’t drive, Uber is too expensive, and the bus doesn’t work for a number of reasons. Just consider that to be your session fee.
- We need to know what we’re doing before you get here. I’ve worked on the fly before, but I’m not healthy enough for four-hour shoots anymore. Let’s talk, make a plan, and stick to it. No surprises.
- Models must be over 21 years old and, quite honestly, I currently have a preference for those 30 and up. I don’t have the energy to keep up with young people competing for followers on social media. Besides, from all that I can tell, contemporary women are looking hot well into their 60s now and there’s no reason to not flaunt what you’ve got.
- Yes, you can bring your dog.
- I reserve the right to cut a photo session short if my health threatens to reduce the quality of the images.
- You’re responsible for your hair, makeup, and wardrobe. Again, I’m on chemo. I can’t handle all the background work like I used to.
- No, I will not send you the RAW files.
- Yes, you may bring a chaperone or a bear. Not both because I don’t want them to be distracting and bears like to pick fights with people who are not doing anything.
- I will no longer get in the water.
- All efforts to not get us both arrested are appreciated.
- If a photo is particularly awesome, I reserve the right to re-edit it for the rest of my life. Don’t worry, that’s probably not too long.
If you have any questions, just ask. Let’s do what we can to make images that really stand out from the IG and TikTok crowd (while it lasts). I’m thinking, at the moment, that I can do the first 100 sets for trade. After I feel that I’ve sufficiently proven the value of what I can do, I’ll start charging again.
Does all that make sense? I’ve got to do something because nine years goes by in a heartbeat and I don’t want to get caught without sufficient income to live. Hit me up and let’s do something amazing!