If I die a violent death, as some fear and a few are plotting, I know that the violence will be in the thought and the action of the assassins, not in my dying.—Indira Gandhi
No one really wants to die, so maybe we should take more care in avoiding that outcome
I was amused when scrolling through my newsfeed this morning to see a brief article with the headline: University of Houston Offers Teachers Helpful Tips For How to Not Get Murdered. Odd, I didn’t realize murdering college professors had reached such epidemic proportions. Maybe it’s just a phenomenon particular to the University of Houston, or perhaps they recently hired Miss Marple in the English department and are anticipating the inevitable. Death does seem to follow that old lady and I’m rather sure dying is not in anyone’s syllabus.
Apparently, some faculty at the University are understandably concerned about a new Texas law that allows students to carry concealed weapons in their classrooms. Among the advice given were the following “bullet” points (extra credit for the irony):
- Be careful discussing sensitive topics
- Drop certain topics from your curriculum
- Not “go there” if you sense anger
- Limit student access off hours
Now, I’m not sure exactly what “sensitive” topics might be included nor where it is one should not go if sensing anger, but I’m going to guess they might include subjects such as how incredibly stupid it is to allow guns in the classroom in the first place and the simple fact that anyone caught shooting the instructor automatically fails the course. Seriously, if this is the type of instruction we have to give the teaching staff, I’m questioning the overall quality of education one might receive at the University of Houston.
However, dying is genuinely something most of us want to avoid and, it would seem, more than a few people have difficulty with the task given that several thousand will die today, and another big bunch of people will be dying tomorrow, and the day after, and the next, and etc. So, with all sensitivity to the delicateness of such an issue set to the side and filed in the back of a drawer in an unmarked manila envelope, I would like to offer some common sense suggestions for ways in which one might avoid dying. University of Houston teachers please take notes.
- Avoid interaction with items such as bullets, knives, machetes, bombs, or other objects that might pierce one’s body in a fashion that leads to dying. Note: we’re not talking about the fashionable body modifications to your ears, nose, nipples, or other places your mother doesn’t know about. This strictly applies to those piercings that might do things like remove one’s head, severely displace one’s internal organs, or put oversized holes through vital body parts. Dying may very well be immediate should one encounter such piercings and should be avoided at all costs.
- If you live in a trailer park during a tornado, move. Growing up in Oklahoma, this was just a given. No one who had any choice lived in or even near a trailer park from March through September. In fact, the rest of the year isn’t necessarily all that safe, either. Apparently not everyone gets handed that memo, though. At least three people died in tornadoes yesterday in Louisiana and Mississippi. All three were in trailer parks. This didn’t have to happen. How does one know if there’s a danger of a tornado hitting their trailer park? There’s an easy test: is it raining? If so, move. Dying by being sucked up into a swirling cloud and then dropped just doesn’t sound painless.
- Avoid visiting places where dying seems to be a recreational activity. This includes places such as Syria, Iran, the Sudan, or South Chicago. These are places where they serve guns along with the appetizers, neighbors lob bombs at each other just for the literal hell of it, and if the bombs and bullets don’t get you the water will. Odds of surviving in these places is so low you’d have a better chance of getting a presidential candidate to convert to Islam. Stay away.
- Excessive anything is never good, and dying from excess tends to make one the target of bullying in the afterlife, or so I’m told. These are things you already know intellectually. Eating too much will kill you. Exercising too much will kill you. Mouthing off too much to your wife will kill you. One doesn’t really need to be told such things, but yet, every day, there are hundreds of people who die because they just had to have that one last piece of pie, or the last donut, or run 47 miles. Dying can come in many different forms. Be careful. Use some common sense. Step away.
- Stop smoking cigarettes. Again, you know this. You knew this when you started the dirty habit. Chances are, you ‘ve even told others not to start, and you’re always trying to quit. Stop trying. Do it. Put the damn things down. If your oral fixation is that strong, roll some bud. Having long conversations with the cat won’t kill you (though it may drive the cat nuts). Cigarettes and dying are buddies. Just stop.
- Consider a career other than suicide bomber. I’m sure I’m not the only one who questions the mental capacity of people who leave nice, warm, presumptively loving homes in order to join the so-called caliphate. I have one question for anyone considering such a move: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? Dying is all they do in the caliphate; they rather seem to enjoy it. Apparently, someone told these incredibly gullible people that there’s a reward for going boom. WRONG! There is no reward! There are only little tiny pieces of you scattered all over the sand. That’s it. No endless supply of Snickers bars or anything else you might have been told. If one is trying to avoid death, this is the worst line of business to consider.
- One last piece of advice: wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you may be, absolutely, under no condition, should you ever, EVER piss off a United States Marine. Don’t even think about it. Just say “Yes sir (or ma’am),” do as instructed, and go on about your business.
Not having died recently, that I recall, I can’t speak from experience, but the lack of folks recovering from such incidents leads me to conclude that dying is not a great deal of fun. In case you haven’t noticed, we generally cry when people die because they’re not coming back. So, let’s all do our best to avoid dying. I know the Bible says, “… it is appointed unto man once to die … (Hebrews 9:27),” but that doesn’t mean you have to do so today. Be careful out there. We like it so much better when you’re around to annoy, er, visit with us.
Take care.
Morning Update: 08/28/24
The colonoscopy is done. Everything looked fantastic. No polyps needed to be removed. Everything looked good. In fact, apparently, they had a cancellation because I was back in the surgery room well before my scheduled time. We were out of there a little after 10:00 and looking for cheap food. I don’t have to go back for another one for five years. The only potential concern I saw was that my weight had dropped 18 pounds since last month. In theory, that could signal another uptick in my white blood cell count. My weight isn’t too low, though, so I’m not going to worry about it at this point.
Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for our air conditioning. We noticed that it had stopped cooling during the night but assumed that it had just frozen up and would be fine after being turned off for a while. Wrong. So, we called Grandpa Bob. Bob called the people who installed the AC. They said their after-hours technician would be by after he finished the job he was currently on. We waited. And waited. The temperature inside the house went up to 89. The sun went down. We were still waiting. The kids went to bed, G choosing to sleep on the floor where it was cooler. Still waiting. Finally, around 10:00, my phone made noise, but Verizon’s spam filter cut it off before I had a chance to answer. Cue a couple of rounds of phone tag as it turns out the AC company’s numbers are all on Verizon’s spam list. Around 10:30, the technician arrived.
A burned-out capacitor was the problem. Some four-hundred-plus dollars later, the AC kicked back on. There are plans in the work to physically move the location of the AC as its proximity to the house may have contributed to the capacitor’s demise. I went to bed a little after 11:00, significantly later than my normal bedtime of 8:30.
Through it all, my biggest concern was the dogs and our mane coon hybrid, Jack-Jack (the kids are adaptive, though they complained constantly). Jack’s heavy fur makes him susceptible to heat. He stretched out on the tile floor in the living room and seemed to be okay. The dogs were having a more difficult time. They refused to not be in the same room as me. The Recovery Room is carpeted, so there’s a limit to how cool the floor gets. They lay there, stretched out as much as they could, panting heavily, and frequently getting up to drink water. I knew the AC had cooled the house significantly when they both finally jumped back onto the bed. Everyone seems to be fine this morning.
After all that, you’d think I’d be anxious for a rest day. That’s not going to happen. While Bob was here yesterday, he noticed that both of the outside water spigots were constantly dripping. So, he called the plumber and they will be here sometime this morning to replace both spigots. That’s going to mean turning off the water for an undetermined amount of time. That’s also going to mean shutting the dogs in the Recovery Room. A few years ago, we ran off one plumber from the same company because he was afraid the dogs were going to jump the gate between the living room and the kitchen (they can’t, they’re too fat). My biggest fear is that they’ll look at the 80-year-old pipes and declare that the whole mess has to be replaced. We’re crossing our fingers that the solution doesn’t involve thousands of dollars in new plumbing.
At least I get to eat.
With everything going on here at home, I’m not overly worried about the mundane aspects of this morning’s news. A few things are sticking in my craw, though.
Home improvement chain Lowe’s is scaling back its diversity, equity, and inclusion policies, joining the ranks of a few other companies who have altered their programs since the end of affirmative action in higher education and amid conservative backlash online. This kowtowing to right-wing nut jobs is infuriating. They’re letting the online trolls win. Mind you, the people who are making the most noise don’t know one end of a hammer from the other. They’re not actually shopping at any of the companies they target. Yet, they’re effectively killing jobs and making the US a more inhospitable and inequitable place to live.
Investigators are looking at whether UN World Food Program staff sought to hide the alleged role of Sudan’s army in obstructing aid. That anyone would block aid to starving people is unconscionable. That the people responsible for delivering that aid would cover up the crime is just as bad. Bad actors have no excuse and should be given no assistance in committing their crimes. People all across Sudan are dying because of the nonsense going on there. That the agencies we depend on and financially support are involved in the lies and deceit is inexcusable.
The US isn’t the only country with a far-right problem. Eastern Germany is finding that far-right factions there are both making hiring difficult for business and causing problems for renewable energy. The far-right is hoping to gain some ground in upcoming elections, so they’re flexing their muscle. Remember what happened the last time the far right came to power in Germany? The entire reason the country was divided between East and West after WWII was so that they couldn’t become a global threat again. The world hailed the reunification of the country as a sign of progress and peace, but now it would seem that the original concerns might have been more accurate than anyone cares to admit.
If you’re a Lego fan, as I know my older boys are, be prepared for a price jump on those building blocks. Lego has announced that they’re replacing the oil-based plastic with a biodegradable version. The problem with that is the price tag is considerably higher. The popular blocks we all played with as children, and many as collectors, have never been cheap, but no one is expecting Lego to eat the increased production costs, despite the fact that the company is outperforming the overall toy market in Europe and the US. No one is sure when that price jump will hit retail stores, but stocking up on those collectible kits might not be a bad idea.
The Mormon Church is going after transgender rights again. They’re now prohibiting anyone even considering transitioning from working with children and prohibiting those who have transitioned from being baptized. The percentage of Mormons who are trans isn’t necessarily high, and anyone who has looked critically at the faith largely considers them to be more cultish than a legitimate religion. Nonetheless, they are far too public an entity for this type of action to not have repercussions throughout the trans community. Feel free to shame them.
If you had any remaining concerns as to whether Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was a complete nut job, I think the case has just been sealed. According to his daughter, Kick Kennedy (seriously, that’s her name), the fool “chain-sawed the head off a dead whale on a beach in Hyannis Port, Mass., bungee-corded it to their vehicle’s roof, and drove it five hours to the family home in Mount Kisco, N.Y.” She first told the story in a 2012 interview in Town and Country magazine, but now the political arm of the Center for Biological Diversity, a progressive environmental organization, is screaming for an investigation.
Another youth football player has died from injuries sustained on the field. This season is getting off to an especially rocky start as the number of injuries overall appears to have increased. Of course, it’s too early for there to be any hard numbers behind that assumption, but there seems to be plenty of cause for concern. Not that I expect every parent to pay attention to those concerns. Why? Travis and Jason Kelce just signed a $100 million podcast deal with Amazon. That along with a litany of stories of NIT wealth at the college level, obsessed parents are pushing harder than ever to make sure their kids are the ones bringing home the bacon. As long as there’s money on the table, greedy parents are going to treat their kids dirty, health and safety be damned.
Speaking of sports, have you ever known a major-league player to play for both teams in a game? It happened Monday as catcher Danny Jantsen played for both the Red Sox and the Bluejays in the resumption of a rain-delayed game from two months ago. The issue is that Jantsen was playing for the Bluejays when the game was originally scheduled. During the interim, he was traded to the Red Sox. So, he appeared on both teams’ rosters. You know that has to make scoring the game a bit difficult.
On the upside, Dolly Parton is at it again, sending books to five-year-olds in 21 states and a growing international participation as well. In many states, her Imagination Library has the ability to reach every child with new books before they even start kindergarten. In a world full of greedy sons of bitches, the 78-year-old singer is a shining example of one using their privilege to help others.
That seems like a good place to stop this morning. We’re expecting heavy rain with a chance of severe weather across the Midwest this afternoon, but that’s not going to do anything to bring down the record-setting temps. That makes me all the more thankful that we have the AC back up and working.
I never have liked iced coffee, but if they hadn’t fixed the AC I’d be considering it.
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