The wheels have come off reason and the laws of physics muted. If Donald Trump is indeed going to be President, we have to assume anything can happen next.
Like many people, we’re still trying to wrap our heads around exactly what happened this week and how that is going to affect our future. Will we even have a future beyond mid-February? Everything seems incredibly uncertain, frightening on many levels, and leaves us totally disoriented and confused.
Reason, apparently, has taken a holiday. Â The laws of physics have been muted. If Donald Trump is our president-elect, and there seems to be very little chance of avoiding that outcome, then we have to assume that the same lack of logic, absence of reason, and denial of the physical order of the universe applies to everything else as well. If that is the case, then there is truly no limit to what could happen next. I mean, look, we’ve already seen the Chicago Cubs win the World Series! Who saw that coming? No one in Cleaveland, I’m sure!
We have to assume, as frightening as the prospects now seem, that the next four years are likely to be full of the impossible. While that leaves the door open to some really horrible things, we would like to think that perhaps some good things could happen before reason returns and sets everything back to the way it should be. I’ve tried to keep my imagination in check a little bit, but then I remind myself that a year ago we didn’t expect Trump to even survive the primaries. Everything’s on the table, folks, which means anything could happen.
Smoking is actually good for you
No one born after 1970 is likely to believe this, but prior to the U.S. Surgeon General’s warning against the use of tobacco in 1964, everyone smoked, including doctors. There were even ads in popular magazines where “doctors” touted the “health benefits” of smoking. You know, thinks like calming anxiety and curing depression. Then, someone figured out that the cigarette companies were lacing the tobacco with nasty chemicals and that the damn things cause cancer. This is why you likely don’t know too many people born before 1940—they’re all dead.
However, in this new reality of ours, I fully expect someone at one of the tobacco giants to come up with a way to replace the bad chemicals with good chemicals so that smoking actually becomes the most reliable cure for cancer rather than a direct cause of the disease. You’ll stop seeing that pesky warning that no one reads and a new Joe Camel cartoon is set to debut on NBC next fall. Everything is hunky dory and the new cigarettes smell like daisies. Life is wonderful.
Cleaveland Browns Win The Super Bowl
The city of Cleaveland has long been known for its group of really bad sports teams. All that bad luck seems to be changing, though. Sort of. The MLB Indians are the Hillary Clinton of baseball this year. At least they made it to the World Series, right? And how about those Cavs? They’re getting the young NBA season off to a good start with a division-leading 7-1 record. So, this could be the year for the hapless Browns to return to the playoffs and take the Super Bowl, right?
I hope you believe in miracles. The poor Browns currently hold the NFL’s worst record for the season at 0-10. Any other year and fans would just stay home, or try trading their Browns tickets for Cavs tickets on some 3 for 1 deal. But hey, if Donald Trump can be president, then whose to say the Browns can’t come back in the latter part of the season, win all their remaining games (they play Dallas this afternoon), and dominate the Super Bowl! Folks in Cleaveland just have to believe! It almost worked for the Indians!
Everyone forgets George W. Bush was president, goes down in history as a painter
Back when reason and logic still applied to the universe, most people knew George W. Bush as the 43rd president of the United States. However, inside this new reality, no one thinks of Mr. Bush in political terms at all. Instead, he is much better known for his portraits of wounded warriors. Okay, so they just happen to be soldiers who were wounded while carrying out the former president’s own diabolical orders, but that minor fact is conveniently swept under the rug and only brought out for the most soever of bar-room trivia challenges.
Mr. Bush has long enjoyed painting, and if his mommy and daddy hadn’t pushed so hard for their children to go into politics he could have chased after his dream of being an artist much earlier in life. Just think of the thousands, if not millions of lives that would have been saved had Mr. Bush simply painted the portraits of Afghan children rather than bombing them. With a political past as ugly and brutal as George W’s, such an artistic whitewashing of history is likely to be just what is needed to get his work hung in the National Gallery. We’ll forget about all that nasty war stuff. Life is beautiful.
Zombies are real and they prefer chocolate pudding
Everyone already likes the idea of zombies. We just never really wanted them to be real because of that whole eating your brains thing. We don’t seem to have any problem with the walking stiff and losing one’s vocabulary. If zombies weren’t murderous beasts, then we’d love to have them over for dinner. If Donald Trump can be president, then why can’t zombies be cool? After all, that whole brain thing is simply because someone got the reanimation serum wrong. Tweak a few things here and there and I see absolutely no reason why we can’t have zombies who prefer chocolate pudding instead of brains.
Granted, if zombies make as much a fuss over chocolate pudding as they do for brains then the refrigerated aisle of your local grocery store is going to be a perpetual mess. Zombies apparently lose use of their motor skills as well, so I’m not sure they would do all that well with a spoon. The good folks at Kraft Foods are probably going to want to reconsider repackaging those ready-to-eat pudding cups and make them a bit bigger. Pudding pops might need a redesign as well. Still, wouldn’t it be nice to know that your favorite undead neighbor can be so easily placated? Who knows, maybe they’ll all turn a nice shade of milk chocolate rather than that putrid green.
The Pope disavows Christianity and converts to Buddhism
Citing the constant infighting and religious fear-mongering among Christians, the Pope has announced plans to completely disavow Christianity and take up Buddhism instead. St.Peter’s basilica will be turned into a Buddhist temple with yoga and meditation classes held weekly in the Vatican courtyard. “This whole god-thing just wasn’t working out for me,” the Pope says. “There were too many rules and regulations and as I get older I have more trouble remembering all the names of those damned saints. Buddhism is much easier and I still get to hide my pasta gut under loose robes.”
Not everyone is likely to be pleased by this turn of events, however. The Dali Lama could be quoted as saying, “Hey, Buddhism is my gig, man! Stay over on the Western side of religion, dude. We don’t want your kind in the East.” The overall effect, however, is rather pleasant as former Catholics stop worrying about confession and put their efforts into developing a more comfortable yoga mat. The mass meditation allows more people to come to peace with Donald Trump’s presidency.
Bob Dillon is beatified as Saint Bob even though he isn’t dead
With the Popa having abdicated and gone over to Buddhism, the Nobel Prize committee took on the task of beatifying new saints. In their first official meeting, the committee decided to make Bob Dillon the next American saint. When asked exactly what Dillon did to deserve such an honor, the committee cited the miracles of his continued ability to stand upright for more than 15 minutes and whatever magic it is that allows anyone to understand his song lyrics without being stoned off their ass. After thinking about it over a highball or two, critics agreed that Saint Bob makes as much sense in this new world as the award for poetry the committee gave Dillon earlier this year.
Mr. Dillon, however, still refuses to answer the committee’s phone calls. In fact, Dillon remains largely unseen except when popping up for the occasional concert in Madison Square Garden or on pieces of toast in Brazil. One associate of Dillon’s record label sent a note to the Nobel committee asking if the beatification came with any super powers, such as flying or the ability to carrying a recognizable tune, but the committee has yet to respond.
Climate flip-flops make Minnesota the nation’s premiere beach destination
While president-elect Trump is working hard to find a way out of the international climate change treaty, the actual climate decided to take matters into its own hands and flip-flopped, making Northern states warm while Southern states such as Florida and Texas are left shivering until multiple feet of snow from November until July. As a result, Minnesota, with all its thousands of lakes, is now the resort capitol of the world. Retirees and college students have been flocking to the state faster than condominium and beachfront hotel construction can be completed.
While this sudden shift in both climate and population caught native Minnesotans off guard, they’ve generally taken the changes in stride, increasing their production of dairy products and importing Amish from Pennsylvania to help  with the resort barn raising and such. However, the change has not helped attendance at local Lutheran churches, who have been in a quandary now that they no longer have weekly arguments with the Catholics.
Women assert their power and become dominatrixes
While publicly decrying the misogyny and sexual assault found in the poorly written best-seller Fifty Shades of Grey, women have long enjoyed the sexual fantasies contained in the book. They have taken a special interest in those related to the BDSM fetish but have been reluctant to let any man have that kind of control of their bodies. So, in response to Donald Trump become president, women across the United States have all decided to answer their power and become dominatrixes. Fashion houses everywhere are attempting to respond to this new authoritarian shopper with lines of clothing made of vegan leather.
Men, on the other hand, are shaking in horror. Having long mistreated women for generations, the thought that they now all have access to whips and chains doesn’t seem nearly as exciting to men as it did when they were watching porn. Many men have gone missing, with most presumed to be hiding in Canadian logging camps. Women have vowed to chase them down, however, and force them to build a wall to which they can all be chained. Some fear this move could emasculate the Trump administration, but Melania has firmly told everyone that they shouldn’t worry.
Vice President-elect Pence dies in toilet paper accident
Long known as one of the biggest turds in the Republican party, vice president-elect Mike Pence was touring the Koch Industries plant that makes Quilted Northern toilet paper when a large spool of the stuff mysteriously slipped off its roller, suffocating the Indiana governor in three tons of quilted softness. No one at the plant was able to explain exactly how the accident happened, but one worker did say that a stray cat had been seen wandering around the premises of late, randomly knocking items off tables for no apparent reason.
While janitorial staff worked quickly to clean up the mess, some workers complained that there were still brown streaks left on the floor and that it was impossible to get the putrid odor out of their work uniforms. The Koch brothers denied any responsibility for the event, saying that they merely manufactured the toilet paper and had no control over how it was used. President-elect Trump says that he plans to sue just as soon as he gets over this current bought of diarrhea.
Space/Time continuum rips apart, Michelle Obama becomes president
Unable to handle the severe stress of a Donald Trump presidency, the space/time continuum rips apart, destroying reality as it currently exists and resetting order to the universe by installing Michelle Obama as president of the United States. Within minutes of having done so, the earth began to heal, rainbows were seen on every corner, and all military operations came to an end. At the same time, production of vegetables more than tripled. Yoga was declared the national exercise program and floral arrangement is now the best-paid career position in the world. Children around the world suddenly realized that their parents have been speaking to them all these years and are trying to learn their language, though some are still having difficulty with commands such as “stop,” and “put that down.”
With Mrs. Obama as president, reason now dominates all matters of policy both public and private. Corporations behave with logical responsibility. However, most of Wall Street was sucked into a giant wormhole along with the Trump administration. No one has seen or heard from them since. Of course, no one is actually looking for them, either.
See, if Donald Trump can become president of the United States, anything is likely to happen. While I’m not going out on a limb and saying anything like what we’ve mentioned here is actually possible, if anything like this does happen at least you’ll understand why.
Now, take another Paxil and have a good day.
Oh! The Terror!
We must do something about the terror that hasn’t happened
The following is satire. You should be able to tell that, but we’re taking this precaution just in case. Some of you have been watching too much Alex Jones, Suzanne.
The Short Version
First Bowling Green. Then Atlanta. And now, Sweden. The rate of non-terrorist activities by non-terrorists has accelerated over the past month to levels so dramatic as to demand a non-response. We must not do something and we must not do that something immediately before the entire world is out of control with non-activities not happening anywhere. The problem is real. Sort of.
Brace Yourself, This Isn’t Pretty
We thought we were safe. Right here, in Middle America, which looks nothing at all like Middle Earth, we thought we were safe. We thought we were protected. We thought we were healthy.
We were wrong. We were misled. We were fooled.
We didn’t know that there are non-terrorist all over the United States. Real people who dare to be non-threatening with their lifestyles. People we pass on the sidewalk every day who might well be on their way to doing something totally harmless and innocent. We never know.
They look like you and me, these non-terrorists. In fact, for all I know, you could be one of them. Are you? Would you tell me if you were? Can I even trust you with this article?
We are now a nation, nay, a world on edge. The incidents reported by the representatives of our White House administration have confirmed the severity of the situation on multiple instances now. The people who haven’t been lost. The crimes that haven’t been committed.
First, there was the Bowling Green Massacre. Oh, the horror! I can hardly bear to type about the tragedy as I sit here with my fourth cup of coffee this morning. Thinking about all that didn’t happen, the lives that weren’t ruined, the families that weren’t torn apart by that horrible, horrible non-incident, causes me to not shudder with fear. Bowling Green is so close to where we live, a mere four hours’ drive away if you don’t get caught in a speed trap just outside Louisville. How could something so non-earth shattering happen right here, right in our own neighbor’s backyard?
Then, not striking another blow to our heart, came the incident in Atlanta. We love Atlanta. We sort of lived there once, but stayed in outlying counties so we wouldn’t have to pay Fulton County taxes. Atlanta is very near and dear to us and it almost broke my heart to hear of the terrible tragedy that didn’t happen there. In fact, I didn’t know several of the people who weren’t killed that fateful night. They were all wonderful people who are now doomed to living wonderful lives all because some madman didn’t do something wicked that fateful night.
And now, just this past weekend, the level of non-terror escalated as it jumped across the not-a-real-pond known as the Atlantic Ocean and invaded Sweden with unseen force. Sweden is such a noble country, with lovely people who have immortalized fish by giving them their country’s name and possibly citizenship. They are endearing and attractive and frequently blonde. How could they ever fall victimless to such an excruciating level of non-terror in just one night? We didn’t want to believe it was true, but there stood our Commander-In-Orange declaring the non-tragedy himself. When the concern over non-terror reaches our nation’s highest office, we have no choice left but to pay attention.
We must guard ourselves against this non-terror. We must protect ourselves from the things that cannot invade us. Our government has proven itself unable to stop these repeated attacks of nothingness. They could happen anywhere. We never know when we ourselves might not become victims of some horrible attack by those evil and wicked non-terrorists. We are every one of us at risk. No one is safe.
What can we do? What should we do? I don’t know that there is anything that can stop this growing reign of non-terror. There are people all around us, every day, and there is no way to tell who might be a non-terrorist and who isn’t. It’s not like they all walk around with “I’m a Republican” bumper stickers on their asses. We don’t have the space to put all the non-terrorists in prison, or send them off to Guantanamo. Their numbers are too many. Non-terrorists have thoroughly infiltrated our society in ways we can’t even begin to imagine.
Still, there are some things we can do to try and minimize the consequences of these non-terroristic activities should they occur in our communities and among our friends and family.
I cannot sit here and promise you that any of those things will work, though. My vision of a non-terror-free world may be a pipe dream. Non-terror could very well be the new non-reality. There is every chance that our children and grandchildren will grow up thinking that these non-terroristic events are the norm and will not think twice when they or their little friends become victims of non-terror. Oh, what a horrible, horrible world we leave them.
Still, we have an obligation to try. We have to spread the word about non-terror. We must call out non-terrorists on social media. We must confront non-terrorists in places of power where ever they may be.
We cannot afford to be silent. Non-terror has claimed too many non-lives. Speak up now. The world begs this of you. Do not be silent. See those buttons down below this article? Use them.
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