Somedays one takes a nap only to wake up and discover that the whole world has gone to hell in a handbasket. Okay, that can’t really happen because that’s exactly where we were before we took the nap. But, among the things slapping me in the face of reality are facts such as the Boy Scouts of America are changing their name to be more inclusive, TikTok owner ByteDance sued the US Government over the whole influence/data kerfuffle, and oh, look at this, I only have nine years left to live. Don’t laugh, if you’re using Social Security as any portion of your income, you’re in for a 21% cut come 1/1/33.
Now, Congress can fix that automatic reduction, but let’s be realistic: they won’t. Congress, for the past 16 years, has been the biggest bunch of do-nothing morons the world has ever seen. This particular Congress has passed fewer than 100 bills, the lowest amount ever. Why? Because they’re too busy flapping their yaps about things that you and I don’t give a shit about, like who’s giving the best hand job under the table. The chances that any future Congress is going to do any better is nill because there are too many nut jobs who think they need to elect people like them who are also nut jobs, which is how Marjorie Taylor Greene got into office in the first place. No, you idiots, you need to elect people who are smarter than you because you don’t know shit about running a government.
Anyway, I already can’t afford to live on what I’m making from Social Security and I damn sure can’t handle a 21% cut when I’m 72 years old. That means I need to get back to work taking pictures or I’m going to die. That’s it. My only salvation is to get back to doing the one thing I know best: photography.
Of course, that comes with a number of challenges. In case you hadn’t noticed, I have nothing in my archives newer than 2021. That means I need to take a shit ton of new pictures. Should be doable, right? Oh yeah, I don’t have any equipment anymore! And to go out and purchase all new pro-level equipment would set me back around $15,000 which I don’t have. Furthermore, given that this is like starting all over again, there’s no way I dare go into debt because I may well keel over and die before I can pay it back.
Ah, but there is a solution. My dear phone, which I loathe when it rings, has a 36-megapixel camera built in. While the zoom on the lens leaves a lot to be desired, it’s surprisingly good at portraits. I can shoot in RAW mode, onboard in Lightroom, and then finish up in Photoshop just like I would using any other digital camera. How good is it?
I took that shot in my bathroom just now with only the 8-megapixel self-facing camera, indoors, using only ambient light. Now, if you’ve seen me in person lately, you know I don’t even come close to actually looking that good. If I can do that good with the bad side of the phone, imagine how much better resolution I can get with the good side facing you!
So, I’m issuing an Open Call for “models” who are willing to help me build out my portfolio again. I’m thinking especially of some surreal concepts based on some of the strange movies I’ve seen and the costumes at last night’s Met Gala (Rita Ora’s beads, for starters). Talk to me, either here or on Facebook, and let’s put something together!
Now, be aware that I’m not as young and nimble as I once was. Because of all these fun health issues I now have, we get to abide by the following rules:
- We don’t shoot at my place, wherever that may be. Home has to be a place of rest and recovery. I cannot compromise on that issue.
- You have to pick me up. I can’t drive, Uber is too expensive, and the bus doesn’t work for a number of reasons. Just consider that to be your session fee.
- We need to know what we’re doing before you get here. I’ve worked on the fly before, but I’m not healthy enough for four-hour shoots anymore. Let’s talk, make a plan, and stick to it. No surprises.
- Models must be over 21 years old and, quite honestly, I currently have a preference for those 30 and up. I don’t have the energy to keep up with young people competing for followers on social media. Besides, from all that I can tell, contemporary women are looking hot well into their 60s now and there’s no reason to not flaunt what you’ve got.
- Yes, you can bring your dog.
- I reserve the right to cut a photo session short if my health threatens to reduce the quality of the images.
- You’re responsible for your hair, makeup, and wardrobe. Again, I’m on chemo. I can’t handle all the background work like I used to.
- No, I will not send you the RAW files.
- Yes, you may bring a chaperone or a bear. Not both because I don’t want them to be distracting and bears like to pick fights with people who are not doing anything.
- I will no longer get in the water.
- All efforts to not get us both arrested are appreciated.
- If a photo is particularly awesome, I reserve the right to re-edit it for the rest of my life. Don’t worry, that’s probably not too long.
If you have any questions, just ask. Let’s do what we can to make images that really stand out from the IG and TikTok crowd (while it lasts). I’m thinking, at the moment, that I can do the first 100 sets for trade. After I feel that I’ve sufficiently proven the value of what I can do, I’ll start charging again.
Does all that make sense? I’ve got to do something because nine years goes by in a heartbeat and I don’t want to get caught without sufficient income to live. Hit me up and let’s do something amazing!
The Abstract Surrealism of 2020
There is nothing about this year remotely resembling what we once considered reality.
Abstract Surrealism isn’t really a thing, let me make that clear right upfront. Abstraction is ambiguous, intentional removal from any objective reference. It’s also extremely controversial as some argue that it is the sum of art while others complain that it’s nothing but a jumbled mess of color with no meaning whatsoever.
Surrealism is, for many people, defined by the works of Dada and Dali. Perhaps we think specifically of Dali’s melting universe creating a detailed but dreamlike view of a world that defines reality not by what we see with our eyes but with our subconscious.
They are two very different forms of art and confusing the two is a good way to make an art curator or serious patron quite angry. Merging the forms? One would have to be completely delusional to invoke that level of insanity.
Insanity. I’m sorry, have you met the year 2020? There are no words left that haven’t been reshaped, reclassified, and/or redefined. Nothing about this year is remotely normal nor has it stayed within the boundaries of what we formerly considered real. There have been too many events happen that logical people of reason never thought possible. Our minds have exploded as people we thought we knew, including some we’ve loved, stepped off the deep end into some kind of fantasy where nothing currently happening makes sense within the context of everything that happened before.
Which brings us to the Abstract Surrealism of 2020. This is the first set in what may turn out to be an entire series (if we live so long). We asked a young model, who understandably enough has chosen to remain anonymous so that her career does not suffer from the association, if we could paint her body in a loosely defined manner—not genuinely abstract, but not a recognizable form, either. We then took the images and carefully, painstakingly, with frequent bouts of frustrated cursing, rendered each to fit a month of this pandemic. As one sees below, this results in a dramatically unique set of images that hardly appear to be related.
Let me see if I can explain the progression for you to a limited degree. A word of caution: trying to follow the meanderings of my mind can lead to internalized stress and possible combustion.
April: There’s a sense of a definite figure but nothing around it feels quite right. The lines aren’t all in place and, what is this splashing up from out of nowhere? We’re blue because we’re depressed by a lockdown that only some are observing while others completely deny that there’s anything wrong. We know this is going to get worse, but we’re still hopeful.
May: Color change as the pandemic grows more intense. School ends without any commencement. Unemployment sets records never before imagined. Arguments over whether to wear a mask rage both online and in-person, casting suspicion on people once thought to be at least marginally intelligent. That splash thing keeps getting bigger and there’s no explanation coming for why the curve isn’t flattening.
June: We’re tempted to breathe a sigh of relief and the colors calm a bit as the number of new cases each day starts to decline. People are telling us, “Hey, we’ve got this. It will all be over soon.” Yet, notice that our model’s face is no longer visible. She’s blinded by her hair just as we were blinded by unhinged optimism. We start to emerge from our cocoons only to have to retreat toward the end of the month.
July: Staged reopening plans are announced and there’s an official statement of optimism in which we believe because we refuse to accept that this stupid virus can be upsetting our lives this severely. We’re determined to have our vacations one way or another. We whirl ourselves in circles clamoring that, “Look! The numbers are going down!” and illogically letting that one statistic fool us into letting down our guard.
August: We’re smiling. We’re going to send kids back to school even if it has to be in stages. Sure, the virus is still splashing all around us but just ignore that. We’ve got a plan and there’s a vaccine coming by the end of the year. No one’s going to trust it, but it will be here. The patterns might seem to be recognizable but that’s only because we’ve looked at this situation so many times we’re starting to hallucinate good news where none exists.
September: “This pandemic is nothing,” we say as we casually flip our hair. Never mind that the numbers are starting to go up in the places where they had previously been low. Pay no attention to that huge wave sweeping across the South and Midwest. Let’s open things up some more; it will be good for the economy, and the economy is what matters more than silly things like people’s lives.
October: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Hell no, we’re not going to go back into lockdown! Open everything up! Stage 5, motherfucker! Sure, the number of cases is starting to spike again, but look at the low number of deaths. See? Hardly anyone’s dying except for the people who shouldn’t be dying. More young adults are being affected but they probably had underlying conditions. It’s not the virus’s fault they died.
November: The virus is not merely back, it’s pouring on us like rain and we’re going to drown. There’s still no vaccine and even if there was more than half the people in the US say they’re not going to take it, rendering it ineffective in stopping the spread of the disease. Ten million people have died despite the fact someone keeps telling us that it’s fine, it’s not a big deal. Keep smiling. Cancel the holidays. We’re all going to die.
By the time we get to the last piece, our entire sense of reality is warped. Our thinking, if not our vision, is completely disconnected from any sense of objectivity. We think we know what’s going on, kind of, but we’re uncomfortable, uncertain, and unsure of what to do next. If you’re looking at the final image on a large enough monitor, you’ll see that the model is beginning to fade into the background—not strongly, yet, as there’s still a definite sense of person even if place and time are nonexistent. This is bracing for disaster as our identity melts into the abstraction of calamity.
The rain is poison and like the Batman’s Joker with his forced smile, we’re laughing through the pain, unable to escape the horrors this year has foisted upon us.
No, these pictures aren’t pretty. They shouldn’t be. This isn’t Pashur’s bodypaint. This year has not been okay and any portrayal of it in traditional tones or imagery is doubling down on a lie that everyone already knows is false. I need these images to be troubling to one’s aesthetic sensibilities. We should not hide that we’re bothered, or disturbed, or possibly even worried about the mental state of the artist (the gods know I am).
There are more thoughts to compile, more images that need to sit alongside these. Give me a few weeks. Any other year, I’d be shutting production down, but not now. I need to explore more, deeper, into the pain. In the meantime, ponder over these and their implicit meaning. I’ll try to give you something more traditional next week, just to perpetuate the myth that we’re all fine, that this week is an aberration. In the meantime, ponder.
Our HUGE thanks to our anonymous model. She truly is a lovely person and I owe her a less fraught set of pictures for helping us express what we’re feeling in this moment.
For those who might be new, click on any of the thumbnails below to view the images full screen.
[tg_masonry_gallery gallery_id=”17417″ layout=”contain” columns=”2″]
Share this:
Like this: