If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. —Johnny Carson
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I understand why I get spam, but so little of it seems meant for me.
Every time I see or use the word Spam, I wonder how many people understand how the word originated. The processed meat, which my late grandfather ate with crackers on a daily basis, is composed of, now pay attention, Shoulder of Pork And Ham. See it? SPAM. Never mind that it was the trash pieces of those cuts, or that the congealed fat that gathered on the outside of a cut could be used as a substitute for bicycle grease, nor that one  could consistently find large, inedible pieces of gristle back in the day. What actually gave the product its bad reputation was that is low price often made it the only meat-like product poor people could afford. The stigma was social more than anything else.
Ray Tomlinson, who invented the first email program on what would eventually become the Internet, passed away earlier this month and was appropriately mourned by tech geeks everywhere. His program that allowed for the digital communication of direct messages was exploited almost the instant it became public. For many of us, the first email we received was from a systems administrator explaining how email works. The second email we received was from a Nigerian prince who needed our assistance. In that instant, we started referring to the junk mail of the Internet as spam.
While I’ve not received a request from a Nigerian prince in several years now, I do still get plenty of spam. Microsoft co-founder and richest person in the world, Bill Gates, has famously said that he gets more spam than anyone, and I’ve no reason to doubt that is true because a) his name has a high recognition factor, b) his email address was, for many years, public knowledge, and c) he uses the Internet a lot. It is that last aspect, our Internet use, that sparks a great deal of the spam we now get. We leave a trail when we visit websites and marketers are able to follow that trail to see where our interests might be and then send us spam accordingly.
Even with all the data mining tools available, though, sometimes spam shows up that has no bearing on anything we might ever need, totally out of context. I get enough spam that I have to empty my spam folder on a daily basis. I pay a little attention to this because, occasionally, email I actually need gets caught in the spam folder and I might otherwise miss it. I never fail to be amused, though, by the spam that comes in so amazingly out of context.
For example, here are some examples from my morning spam:
- Bra comfort. “Comfy, seamless, front-zip bras” the subject line teases. That’s nice. I know I’ve put on a little weight, but not only do I not wear a bra, Kat doesn’t either. We don’t shop for lingerie at all, so this popping up every day just makes me shake my head.
- Private jet rentals. This has been a recent but frequent addition to my spam folder. I haven’t even flown commercially in over 11 years, so I’m not sure why anyone would mistakenly think that I need to use private aircraft and it’s absolutely laughable to think I could afford them.
- Savory cherries. “How you can grow your own delectable cherries,” is the subject line. This one’s a little more curious because, while we do have a garden, cherries require something more in the orchard category and take years of growth before there’s anything to harvest. And who in their right mind mail-orders trees? You have to look at those things.
- Yacht rentals. Same category as the private jet rentals. These people obviously don’t realize how little money I have.
- Magical African Safaris. When this first showed up in my spam box I assumed they were talking about photo safaris. No, they’re not. The funniest thing about this spam, though, is that it is incomplete. Apparently the mass email program they’re using has a character limit the copywriter didn’t know about. The email actually ends mid-sentence.
- Exotic Arabian Girls. Today, they’re Arabian. Tomorrow, they may be Russian and the day after that they’ll be Brazillian. Given my profession, I can see where my email might accidentally get mixed up into this group. But the joke’s on them: people pay me for pictures, not the other way around.
I could go on for pages. Understand, as long as the spam doesn’t contain viruses or trojans, and little does anymore (there are more effective ways to hack your computer), I can’t get upset with marketers who are just trying to get my attention. Be sure, someone out there is clicking on this stuff. The numbers ultimately work, even when there is zero chance of me actually using the product.
What pisses me off are the pieces that are frighteningly accurate in their targeting. Walk-in showers. Natural arthritis medications. Soft sole shoes. What really gets my goat is the wrinkle cream. Don’t remind me I’m getting old. Every morning I have to ask Kat for help getting out of bed is enough of a reminder that I’m not getting any younger. I don’t need your spam to remind me.
Oh, but look, I may have just qualified for a $50 Sam’s card! Too bad we’re only members at Costco.
Saturday Morning Trailer Time
Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath. —Lyndon B. Johnson
Saturday morning is a perfect time to catch up on the trailers for movies we don’t have time to see
Who doesn’t remember the joy of Saturday morning when we were kids? Anyone born before, oh, let’s say 2000 or so, probably still remembers getting up on Saturday mornings and binge watching cartoons while consuming large amounts of processed sugar in whatever form we could convince our parents to buy. For my brother and me, it was cold cereal. For my kids, it was french toast sticks. We would sit there and watch one cartoon show after another, sad when the networks switched to sports around noon, sometimes 11:00.
Kids today don’t understand why Saturday mornings were once so very special; they have Netflix and Cartoon Network and can watch animated programs anytime they want until their eyeballs bleed. Gone are the days of Bugs Bunny and friends, Hannah-Barbera’s predictability, and Sid & Marty Kroft’s strange puppetry. No wonder this generation of kids is so messed up: they don’t know the fear of a coyote possibly dropping an anvil on their heads.
Saturday was also once movie night. While new movies have typically been released on Fridays for more than 60 years, it’s still Saturday night, date night, that traditionally was the biggest movie draw. Again, that has been usurped by Netflix, streaming, and sheer exhaustion. We know we’re adults when we sit home on Saturday nights hoping the phone doesn’t ring.
There are also cost and time factors to going to the movies and for me, personally, that tends to limit my activity more than anything. Saturdays are often typical work days for me. By the time I get done, assuming there’s such a thing as done, I couldn’t stay awake through one no matter how good it might be. I still love movies, though. So, I’ve taken to watching trailers on Saturday mornings, typically early before the kids are up and I have to be concerned about the content. Not that I’ll ever get to actually watch any of the movies whose trailers excite me. I suppose they’ll eventually make it to Netflix. And no, it’s not lost on me that we now wait for movies to be on streaming services much like we once waited for them to be shown on network television.
Anyway, rather than just sitting here and talking about it for another 500 words, why don’t I just share some of the trailers I’m watching this morning? If you get to actually see the movies in theaters, please let me know how they were. My Netflix cue is already pretty full, so any help keeping that manageable is appreciated. I should probably also state that the presence of a trailer here does not imply endorsement of the movie. Even bad movies can have good trailers.
Here’s what I’m watching this morning.
X-Men: Apocolypse
Put this in your religious mythology pipe and smoke it. Could deities actually be mutants? And if so, what happens when that mutant deity isn’t a nice person? Probably something like this:
Ben-Hur
For anyone who remembers the original with Charleston Heston, there’s no way this version isn’t going to be a disappointment. Even with Morgan Freeman in the cast, the look and feel of the movie just isn’t the same. I’m also wondering if this isn’t another case of us knowing too much about a period for us to be entertained by its barbarity. Still, if you like action, and I do, this may have potential.
The Legend of Tarzan
I doubt Edgar Rice Burroughs ever imagined that he was penning the underlying premise for a stream of movies that continues to morph with every generation. Tarzan has been movie fodder almost from the very beginning of cinema. So, here’s another take, perhaps a little more real and with a very different concept of romance. Can it match the book? Probably not, but all those CGI animals could make it interesting.
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
Oh my. If ever there were a movie destined to become an instant classic, this may be it. Ransom Rigg’s novel has been a children’s favorite for years and now it gets the full Tim Burton treatment with all the special effects and interesting camera angles he brings to a story. Granted, I’m not sure this is going to be appropriate for little ones, but for anyone who is old enough to actually read and understand the book, this may well be a visual delight.
The Man Who Knew Infinity
Some movies we watch to escape. Some movies we watch for the spectacle. Then, there are those rare movies that inspire us. This movie has that potential. With the power of actors Jeremy Irons, Dav Patel, and Stephen Fry, amazing things could happen in this movie. We need a movie like this to not just be good, but life-altering. Let’s hope it achieves that goal.
Things bog down when I put more than five videos on a page, so we’ll have to stop there for now. After all, it is Saturday. You have things to do. I have things to do. The fantasy world of cartoons and movies can’t last forever, can it?
Well, there is always Netflix …
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