Because holidays aren’t fun if you play them straight
There is so much going on in the world today that makes it almost seem wrong to feel happy or even smile. There’s the election results, the possibility of a Russian intrusion into our system, the upside down, nonsensical manner in which cabinet members are being selected, the whining and the crying over Facebook’s take on fake news, and just an incredible amount of stupidity on the part of far too many people.
This has been a rough year, no doubt about it. As a result, I think there’s plenty of room to be a bit snarky about the holidays. If one has any Grinch tendencies, now’s the time to let them all out, get them aired and out of the way and then everyone can go on with their lives. Maybe if we let the snark out a bit, we might actually feel a little better because one of the less joyous emotions about this time of year is everyone is so freakin’ busy with their shopping and gift wrapping that they don’t actually listen to why you’re saying unless you stomp your feet and shout a little bit.
So, we’re going to go full snark for a little bit and just air some of our grievances about the whole holiday season. I’m putting on my green Grinch suit and hooking the little lost dog up to a sled with the demand he pulls me to the nearest Chinese buffet. It’s time we cleared the air about a few things.
What’s the deal?
Why the fuck is everyone taking a full two-week vacation this year? Late night talk show hosts are wishing everyone a Merry Christmas tonight and won’t be back until January 2 or 3. Most network series have already gone on hiatus for the month unless their ratings need the boost from being the only fresh thing still on television. Companies were all having their holiday parties this week so that no one would be left out. There are even some smaller shops in the local area who posted notices they’ll be closed starting the 19th. What the fuck? Since when did everyone get a two-week break?
Of course, this goes along with the typically inconvenient break kids get from school. Back when I was a kid and we walked across mountains that no longer exist, we didn’t get out for winter break until the 22nd or 23rd of December, depending on what day of the week Christmas actually hit. We were still back on January 2, too. School didn’t let out for just any willy-nilly reason because our parents worked, dammit. They didn’t have time to stay home and take care of our rambunctious asses. That’s probably a good thing, too, because I’m pretty sure that if they had we’d have gone back to school missing a few classmates. Our parents took capital punishment seriously.
The last two weeks of the year are always lousy if you want to actually get anything done at work, too. I remember when I was still considered a rookie and was too poor to take any time off work. Trying to get anything done was impossible. Half the people necessary to sign off on anything were gone until the first of the year. We’d have our weekly department meeting and only three out of 27 of us would be there. And good luck trying to find a model this time of year. The agencies would just laugh when we called. I don’t see how companies don’t go bankrupt with no one getting any actual work done.
None of this makes any sense
I would still like to know who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to put the biggest holiday of the year right smack in the middle of the most inhospitable and contrary weather we have. My guess is it was someone down under where they’re having a nice, cozy summer right about now because a holiday in December makes absolutely no freakin’ sense in the Northern hemisphere. I mean, have you looked outside recently? If you live in the Northern United States, all you see is white and cold. Folks in the state of Maine are looking at temperatures this weekend that could reach -40°! No one wants to get out and go shopping in that kind of weather, and I don’t care how much they’re getting paid, the guys at UPS don’t want to be out there delivering your online orders, either. Having a major holiday that involves traveling and being outside for any reason in the middle of winter is just fucking stupid.
Besides, everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25. Let’s just stop perpetuating that stupid little myth.
Which brings us to another major annoyance I happen to have. People get all upset about the “war on Christmas” when Christmas is actually a war on Solstice celebrations. Facts are facts, folks, and there are more than enough documents to support me in this. Early Christians flat out stole the Christmas tree, putting candles or lights on said tree, the concept of gift giving, wrapping paper, and even that whole story about some fat guy in a red suit. Every last one of those ideas was stolen from pagans. There’s absolutely nothing genuinely Christian about Christmas, so stop getting so fucking upset if someone says “Happy Holidays” or if the decorations on your coffee cup aren’t too your liking. There is no fucking war on Christmas. The war is in Syria and they don’t have time for Christmas because all the children are dead now, thank you.
Don’t think you’re any better with Islamic or Jewish traditions either. Our Jewish friends are all about celebrating Hanukkah for eight days. They’ve made a party around some slow-burning oil in the middle of a relatively minor skirmish in the middle of a war they actually lost. Yeah, that really sounds like something to celebrate. Meanwhile, Muslims celebrate the birthday of their prophet on Monday, the 19th, assuming they’re paying attention. You see, they use some strange system where the prophet’s birthday never falls on the same day each year. Last year, it was back in the middle of summer, which makes a helluva lot more sense anyway. And they can’t say his name nor depict his likeness without getting into trouble, which makes greeting cards and singing Happy Birthday a little more than awkward.
Have I insulted enough people yet? No? Okay, I’ll continue.
‘Tis The Season To Be Greedy
I’m not so sure but maybe it’s time to revise the whole Santa Claus story. After all, for far too many people in America, the very concept of a fat white guy entering their house in the middle of the night is not a good omen. Shit’s going to go down and it’s not going to be pretty, elves or not. Maybe if Santa took the form of your kind but lonely uncle who never married and spends most of the holidays quietly drinking eggnog in the corner. I mean, we want him to be a kind and familiar figure, but we don’t want to really get all that close to him.
And what the fuck is up with setting children on his lap? Are we trying to encourage pedophilia or what? Stick with the letter writing. More kids need to learn to write letters, anyway. In today’s digital world, there are far too many kids who have absolutely no freakin’ clue what a stamp and envelope even is. Hell, they see a mail carrier and think they’re just a Fed Ex person who lost their truck. Now that I think about it, why don’t we make Santa Claus more like mail carriers: a nice, friendly, gender-neutral person who delivers packages and maces your dog. That sounds entirely workable to me. The damn dog needs to learn to stop charging the fence.
We need to stop encouraging kids to be so damn greedy, too. Why? Because look what they grow into: people like you and me. People who think the world owes them something just for being nice. You know damn good and well that’s a pile of bullshit. The world doesn’t owe anyone anything, and you’re certainly not going to get presents from someone who doesn’t know you.
Besides, the kids aren’t that good anyway. Have you seen kids today? They talk back to their parents as though they had some right to open their damn little mouths. Kids start bullying each other and calling each other names all the way down in preschool. Why are we rewarding that kind of behavior? Maybe if we actually gave more kids lumps of coal and then made them burn it to keep warm they might appreciate just how nice they have it, living in a structure with a solid roof and someone putting clean clothes on their little bodies every morning.
One last thing: Why is no one capable of writing a decent holiday song anymore? I keep hearing these new Christmas songs and every one of them is a complete piece of crap that no one wants to remember two minutes after it’s over. All the good holiday songs are older than I am: White Christmas, Chestnuts roasting o’er an open fire (The Christmas song), Rudolph, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, and even the ultra-creep Baby, It’s Cold Outside. All of those songs are at least half a century old and we’re getting rather tired of hearing them. Yet, no one seems to be capable of writing a decent holiday song. Grammy awards be damned, if no one remembers your song 12 months later, it was a piece of shit.
Let’s get real: our parents coddled us too much and we grew up into a big bunch of selfish, greedy bastards who deny science and think that electing an utter moron as president is a good idea. That’s right, Trump became president all because our parents were too soft on us during the holidays. This whole freakin’ year is your fault and no one deserves to get a damn thing in their stockings except holes.
There, I think that’s everything. Well, the big things, at least. I’m done snarking up the holidays. Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, though. We still have a couple of days before the first holiday hits. I’d hate to think I missed insulting someone. Everyone benefits from a snowball upside the head occasionally.
Happy fucking holidays.
5 Things You Need To Know: 12/16/16
https://youtu.be/oF6T8wd7nMc
Do Friday’s Matter Anymore?
Hi there. I would say, “Thank goodness it’s Friday,” but I’m not sure Friday matters that much anymore. The news keeps churning and we’ll be watching it all through the weekend. I’m up at 4:00 AM every morning making sure the world hasn’t completely blown up while we were asleep. There really should be at least six people doing all this work, but it’s just me. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back, and perhaps that’s the value of Fridays. Find a reason to pat yourself on the back, even if it’s only because you managed to survive the other four days of the work week.
We’re skipping over the war between North Carolina’s governor and it’s state legislature for now. We’re also refusing to enter into the speculation of what cabinet nominees might or might not do. We only work with news we can verify as being accurate and you should be doing the same. So, that being said, let’s take a look at our top five stories for today.
1. The White House Says Russia Hacked US
One of the many questions we have this morning is whether the whole Russian hacking scandal has gotten out of control? If you were watching yesterday afternoon, White House spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters, “Only Russia’s senior-most officials could have authorized these activities,1” in reference to reports from three US intelligence agencies that not only was Russia involved in hacking the servers of political parties, but that Putin himself knew and directed the attacks. That the White House would officially support the intelligence reports is a pretty big deal since both the Kremlin and the president-elect has been denying them.
If you’re listening to NPR this morning, you’re hearing President Obama tell Steve Inskeep, “I think there is no doubt that when any foreign government tries to impact the integrity of our elections … we need to take action. And we will — at a time and place of our own choosing. Some of it may be explicit and publicized; some of it may not be.”2
If the statement from the president sounds just a little ambiguous, it is. That might be because, at least from a public information perspective, actual evidence of Russian involvement is a little ambiguous. Yes, the White House likely has access to evidence that the public does not. What we see on this side of the fence, though, is a bunch of anonymous sources, none of which can be confirmed. We need some names, we need some faces, and we need their butts sitting in front of a Congressional hearing to give validity to all these accusations.
Furthermore, there is no precedent for how to react to this situation if the reports are indeed true. There’s nothing in the Constitution that adequately covers direct intrusion into an election by a foreign power. What President Obama might have up his sleeve isn’t clear, either, but we know he doesn’t have long if he’s going to do something before he moves out of the White House.
2. Venezuelan Parents Are Giving Away Their Children
We talked earlier this week about the Venezuelan government confiscating some four million toys and promising that “every child will get a toy.” News coming out of the beleaguered country yesterday shows us that those toys may be all many Venezuelan children have. Reuters is reporting that three local councils and four national welfare groups are all confirming a rise in parents giving their children away, sometimes to other family members, sometimes to neighbors, because they can no longer afford to feed them and keep them safe3.
If you’re a parent or plan on ever being one, I want you to stop and think a moment about just how desperate one has to be and how devastating it must feel to have little choice but to give up your child. Average wages in Venezuela are less than the equivalent of $50 a month. Normally, in places where wages are so low, we see food prices around the same level. Not here. Food prices are in some cases higher than they are in the US, and that’s when food is available. Food scarcity across the country has caused unrest there for over a year.
Children’s rights groups say that the increase in parents giving away children is exponential, with many of the children already suffering from malnutrition. Plunging oil prices are partly to blame, as well as social policies of president Nicolas Maduro. Yet, more than politics, this is a humanitarian disaster of untold proportion. Some parents are simply abandoning their children, leaving them to die on the streets.
So much for a merry fucking Christmas.
3. Dyllan Roof Found Guilty Of Murder
We knew when the jury left the South Carolina courtroom yesterday that they would come back with a guilty verdict. Roof has been convicted of a total of 33 counts involving hate crimes in the shooting of nine people in a Charlotte, South Carolina church4. He never shied away from the fact that he was guilty. In fact, at one point during the trial, he fired his attornies and disastrously tried defending himself. Immediately after the verdict was announced, Roof fired his attornies again.
The jury returns on January 3 to determine exactly what his sentencing will be. There are only two options available: life in prison or death by lethal injection. Roof has already said he doesn’t want to introduce embarrassing evidence that might save his skin. Yet, as we saw last week, lethal injection hasn’t necessarily been going all that well with multiple botched attempts around the country over the past couple of years. There are also plenty of arguments against capital punishment.
One thing for certain is that this horrible massacre has left a lasting impression upon the state of South Carolina. The confederate flag no longer flies at the state capitol. The effects of hate are very visible and efforts to defuse that hate are strong. Dyllan Roof is a good example of why we cannot allow the alt-right white supremacy movement to go unchecked. We don’t need another incident like this to happen anywhere in our country. Ever.
4. A Colorado School Approves Guns in the Classroom
As incredible as it may seem, a school district in Colorado has actually approved a measure allowing some teachers and other school employees to carry guns inside classrooms5. That this decision would come the same day as the third anniversary of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary shouldn’t be ignored. The Board of Education for Hanover School District #28 voted 3-2 to approve the resolution on Wednesday night.
Now, before we all go off on some knee-jerk reaction, we should be aware that the Hanover School District is very small and very remote. The board’s president, Mark McPherson, who didn’t vote in favor of the plan, told the press that it was the town’s distance from any kind of assistance that fueled support for the resolution. The school is 30 minutes away from the nearest law enforcement. The resolution lists “national events” and, get this, potential trouble from marijuana grows, as the justification for the action.
Now, for any teacher or staff member to actually carry a gun on campus, they must first volunteer for extra duty as a security officer. Then, they must complete training before receiving their permit to carry. There is no limit as to how many of the school’s 20 teachers can carry weapons. Let’s just hope their finals weeks never get too stressful.
5. And Finally …
Facebook announced yesterday that they’re going after fake news and enlisting a number of partners, including Snopes, the Associated Press, and ABC News, to help validate stories6. The announcement comes as the world’s most dominant social media company attempts to wrestle with accusations that fake news shared on its site contributed to the outcome of the US presidential election.
Understand, Facebook has yet to say that it would actually remove content that is flagged as being fake. Instead, the content will be marked as “disputed” with a link to the reasons for the decision. In fact, they’re only focusing on what they call “the worst-of-the-worst” of fake news producers, those who create deliberate lies for financial gain.
However, this hasn’t kept publications with a right-leaning tilt from going all boo-hoo over the new policy7. Ben Shapiro, editor-in-chief of the conservative-leaning Daily Wire wrote, “It’s an attempt to restore gatekeepers who have a bias as the ultimate arbiters of truth.”8 Perhaps someone should tell the whining little brats that if they’re not producing fake news then they don’t have anything to worry about. Facebook’s efforts are gentle compared to what they could have done. Hell, you’ll still get in more trouble for posting a picture of women’s nipples on your profile than you will for distributing blatantly false news. Some alleged news sources need to grow the fuck up.
But hey, this whole fake news thing is exactly why we bother bringing you these reports every morning. We always verify our stories and provide links to our sources. We want news we can trust and know that you do as well. Thank you for your time. Here’s hoping your Friday kicks some ass.
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