I’ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and ‘I’m pregnant’. —Dean Martin
Millennials are accused of killing a lot of things. Some of them needed to be killed.
If I hadn’t pulled the article for reference yesterday, when I was still almost in a good mood, relatively speaking, I’d blame this whole article on the kids. You know, the seven-year-old who decided to play with lighting birthday candles at 2:00 in the morning. And his sister who refused to go to sleep after all the commotion. Damn kids. If I’m more surly and cantankerous than normal it’s all their fault.
However, those particular kids aren’t the ones we’re discussing this morning. Once again, we’re talking about Millennials. You know, the ones born somewhere between 1980 and 2000. These are the same kids that will comprise half the workforce by the year 2020. They are formidable, at least as far as logistics are concerned. They are also very different from Gen-X (those born in the 70s) and the Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1963). These dear children have ideologies and concepts sometimes directly in opposition to their parents and grandparents.
As with every generation before us, those of us who are older blame the destruction of the world as we know it on the younger generation. Our grandparents leveled that claim against us, with our rock-and-roll music and that long-haired hippy stuff. I’m sure their grandparents did it to them as well. This is a time-honored tradition that is a necessity if we are to continue progressing. However, millennials stand accused of killing a multitude of things. We’ve seen at least a partial list and it’s quite long. Millennials are murderers.
Those Meddling Kids
I know, I know. I’m sounding more and more like the old man chasing kids off his lawn. In a way, that’s what we’re all doing. When some things change, the things with which we are most comfortable, we’re going to resist; it’s our nature. Some of what has changed because of Millennials pisses us off. Damn kids. We have a right to be upset. Consider this list of things they’ve killed:
- Manners. Someone has said that Millennials have no class. This is a broad, sweeping generalization, the kind you’re not supposed to make. There are exceptions. As a group, however, they are totally void of any social considerations. They talk too loud. They are oblivious to anyone else. And have you seen these kids eat?
- Retail. No, seriously, it’s all the kids’ fault that Aeropostale was sold at auction yesterday. They don’t shop in stores, they shop online. They don’t pay full price. Bargain basements and second-hand shops source their wardrobes. They just don’t spend money, and for a group their size, that’s a very bad thing.
- Vacations. I can’t really say too much on this one. I’ve not had a real vacation since 2009. However, the problem is that not only are Millennials not taking vacations (they can’t afford it), they’re shaming those who do. That, dear children, is enough to make us collectively hate you. We’ve worked hard for our vacation time. Fuck you.
- Crowdfunding. Crowdfunding was a really great idea when it applied to unique ideas that were outside the mainstream. Damn brats killed that, though, by asking people to help pay for their weddings, or their honeymoons, or their boob jobs, or their flat tire. This is why we can’t have nice things.
Some Things Need To Die
Not everything that has died at the hands of Millennials is a tragedy. There are some of the things on that list that should have died long ago. Scream and yell at the kids all you want, we’re rather happy that some of these things have died, or at least fallen out of favor.
- McWraps and (maybe) McDonalds. McWraps definitely needed to go. That piece of pretentious self-indulgence was long over-due. Putting the whole fast-food chain into a nose-dive was a surprise no one saw coming, though. Millennials don’t like chemically-produced food products. Not a bad move.
- 9-5 Work Days. There remains some debate over whether the kids actually killed this one or just pulled the sheet over its head. Freelancing, job-sharing, and other creative forms of doing anything but working 9-5 is almost the norm now. Mind you, they still manage to work more hours. This is a good thing.
- Email marketing. This isn’t quite complete, but it can’t come fast enough. While Millennials check their email more frequently than anyone, they don’t click marketing links. Hell, half the time they don’t even open the email. Email marketing was always a numbers game but those numbers are almost impossible to reach.
- The religious right. Remember that whole Moral Majority thing of the 1980s? Dead. Gone. Fewer of these sinners attend church at all and those who do are far more likely to be part of a more progressive, dare I say liberal congregation. They have a different morality. They support a woman’s right to choose. LGBT lifestyles are their normal. Sorry, Newt, you can go decompose now.
Not Letting Them Off The Hook
Just because the damn kids got a few things right doesn’t mean we can let them off the hook for ruining the things we enjoyed. I’m still on the fence about them destroying network television as we once knew it. I just don’t get into the whole binge-watching craze. I rather agree with them on their concepts of dating and marriage, too. Their obsession over gluten-free and organic is a pain in my ass, though. I don’t like paying more for vegetables just because someone carefully measured the amount of shit that was dumped on them. And I like bread, dammit! And cookies! You just keep your tiny little hands off my gluten!
We also have to take them to task for this whole anti-vax thing. C’mon, kids, just because you didn’t like the ouchy shots doesn’t mean they weren’t good for you. And while we’re at it, the rest of the world would appreciate it if you’d actually discipline your own brats, now that you’re finally having them. We’re sick and tired of them talking back to teachers and other adults and swearing like little sailors. No, it’s not fucking cute. We’re not laughing.
Being the largest demographic group in the world carries a lot of responsibility. We Boomers should know, we had a similar effect when we came along and it cause problems for a lot of older people. There were too many times we didn’t think before we acted. Disco is a good example.
So kids, watch yourselves. We don’t care if there are more of you than there are of us. Have some consideration for the generation that made the choice to let you live. Trust us, there were plenty of times when we considered the alternative. Some days, we still do.
And stay the fuck off my lawn.
Stupid Things Xians Say
Christianity is getting a lot of attention today (and all this past week) because of it being Holy Week. However, as they so often do, some pseudo-Xians just don’t seem to understand the whole concept of peace, love, and inclusion. They prove this by opening their mouths and saying some really inappropriate and ignorant things.
Take for instance, please, that time this week when the presumptive Republican presidential nominee said, “If you don’t like our religion [xianity], then we don’t want you in our country.” What this part-time Bible salesman is saying is that he’s more than willing to implement a religion litmus test for anyone wanting to come into the country. Now, where that gets interesting is trying to narrow down what he means by “our religion.” Obviously, he doesn’t like Muslims, Hindus, atheists, or Buddhists. However, he links religion to politics when he says that a Jewish person who votes Democratic (and most do), “hates their religion” and “everything about Israel.” So… are Jews getting in or not? Now, any reasonably-minded person knows that such a litmus test is a violation of the First Amendment. However, let’s just go crazy for a moment and assume he could get away with it. How long would it be before he tries to deport, round up, or terrorize anyone who doesn’t fit without his narrow (and farcical) religious expectations?
Then, there was all that hullabaloo today over the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Somehow, pseudo-Xians just noticed this year that religious themes are not allowed on the decorated eggs used for the roll. Cue right-wing outrage because they’re an ignorant bunch of people who don’t seem to realize that the ban has existed since 1978. Take another look at that. 1978. Over 40 years ago. And they’re just now realizing it. And all this over a fictional rabbit that allegedly places eggs all over the yard. Apparently, these pseudo-Xians are also ignorant of the fact that Easter Eggs are a pagan tradition that predates xianity. Seriously, do these people ever pull their heads out of their asses and take a look at the world around them?
Taking the ugly lamb-shaped Easter cake is SBC megachurch pastor Josh Howerton who told his Dallas-based Lakepointe Church congregation that, on their wedding night (actually, he specifically emphasized “his” wedding night), the women should: “Stand where he tells you to stand, wear what he tells you to wear, and do what he tells you to do.” Incredulous, isn’t it? You would think, especially after all the abuse and marital cheating scandals the SBC has endured, that such misogyny would, at the very least, be kept on the down-low. Nope. Here it is, right out in the open. We even have it on video.
Dismantling this statement a bit, first, let’s realize that, by most accounts, fewer than 30% of people, male or female, are virgins on their wedding night. Most sane people realize that sexual experience is a good thing; find out what you like and what you don’t, take away the mythology of losing virginity, and hopefully avoid the pain and mess of your first sexual experience. If 70% of men are not virgins (and the real number is likely higher), then they have not necessarily been planning for their wedding night their entire lives.
Second, this is putting wayyyyyy too much pressure on the wedding night for it to be pleasurable. Weddings are a big deal and by the time the happy couple gets away from the reception and all the people and checked into the hotel for the night, they’re fucking exhausted! Why put all that pressure on the wedding night? It’s insane to create those kinds of expectations that are almost certainly going to lead to disappointment.
Third, and perhaps most important, if your spouse is telling you where to stand, what to wear, and what to do and this isn’t a sex game to which you’ve both agreed, then you’ve married a misogynist and need to get out of this marriage as soon as possible! Abuse, emotional and physical, is right around the corner. Nothing good comes from being in a relationship with a misogynistic person. Nothing. Get the fuck out while you can. PLEASE. A chocolate bunny would make a better partner.
If it seems like I’m picking on pseudo-Xians it’s only because they’re making so much noise as they show us how incredibly ignorant, thoughtless, and cruel they actually are. There’s no true spirit of love here. There’s no intention to bring peace. There’s no desire for inclusion. Everything they’re doing is fake and they’re loud enough with their actions to make sure we don’t miss them. As long as they keep doing and saying stupid things, I’ll keep calling them out for it.
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