This is the first time I’ve tried using this Chromebook as I would a regular computer and I’m not sure how long I can do this without throwing the damn thing across the room. There’s no precision in trying to scroll to a specific place on the page. Editing a picture with any precision? Forget it, that’s not happening. Trying to find an app that will do what you need done? Good luck! Half the apps in the Play Store don’t work on Chromebook at all despite being “mobile” apps. Apparently, all the OS people at Google think that everyone spends their time playing fucking idiotic pay-to-play games. Why the fuck would anyone do that in the first place? Somehow, I just hit something that opened the fucking debug window! Can this get any more stupid? [Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.]
Trying to edit anything in Lightroom is a complete nightmare. It took four fucking attempts before this morning’s image would import. It can’t read TIFF files at all apparently, or at least, it won’t show me the thumbnail so I can see which image is which. Just finding the menu item so I can import an image is about the most non-intuitive thing I’ve ever seen in a piece of software. Exporting an image? That’s a whole other nightmare! YOU CAN’T CHOOSE WHERE THE IMAGE IS BEING SAVED! I don’t want to save images on this device. I want them back on the external drive from which they came! Why the fuck is that such a foreign concept to this piece of crap? And then, when I want to upload the said image to the server so that I can use it here, I have to go hunting. They’re buried under a cumbersome file tree that makes zero sense. Again, the absence of any kind of File Explorer in this stupid OS is absurd. I need Google and Adobe to fix this fucking mess.
One of the apps that doesn’t work on the Chromebook like it does on my phone? Kroger. Why is that important? Because I have to order groceries and Kroger is the only local store that carries the sugar-free bread that I need so I can make a fucking sandwich. What happens if I don’t use sugar-free bread? The same damn thing that happened last night when I ate more than one biscuit with dinner: my sugar jumps nearly 100 points. It would be really nice if I could create an order on the larger screen so that I can make sure I’m ordering the right size/flavor/quantity without having to squint. But no, after downloading the Kroger app, it sent me to the website, which then wouldn’t let me log in. Fuck that.
Not that anything matters. I was expecting my check to be deposited first thing this morning like it was last month. I even got a letter from the bank telling me that I was signed up for the advance deposit thing. So, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that my check would be deposited on the same day that it was last month. I have bills to pay and groceries to buy. But no, that didn’t happen. I don’t have any idea when/if it will happen. Funny how no one lets you know there’s a problem until after it’s messed up your life. The check normally, on its own, appears on the 10th. That may not seem like that big a deal, waiting four more days, but by waiting until the 10th, A) my phone bill is late and invokes a late fee as a result, and B) I can’t get groceries until the next day because I have a fucking doctor’s appointment on the 10th that could very well take all fucking day or longer if my pancreas decides to not cooperate.
I’m too old and too sick to be getting worked up like this. I don’t even want to take my blood pressure because I already know it’s too high. Want to know what’s lying at the root of this tirade? I can tell you. I’m pissed because I can’t fix it. I can’t fix the desktop. I don’t have that level of skill. I have to depend on someone else and in my mind that’s the same as saying I’m a failure. I’m supposed to be able to do it all, anything, on my own, but increasingly I’m finding too damn many things that I can’t do, and losing the desktop has sent me over the edge.
I’m banking hard on Brandon being able to bring the thing back to life without having to completely wipe the hard drive. I’m also hoping that it’s an easy fix that doesn’t take much of his time. Asking someone to do something time-consuming on the weekend that doesn’t directly benefit them is just rude.
And what happens if the computer can’t be brought back from the dead? First, I cry. Amazon has a Dell Optiplex 9020 Small Form Factor Desktop with Intel Core i7-4770 Upto 3.9GHz, HD Graphics 4600 4K Support, 32GB RAM, 1TB SSD, DisplayPort, HDMI, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth – Windows 10 Pro (Renewed) for only $214 that would probably meet my needs. I think the biggest concerns I would have are the number of USB ports it doesn’t have and that it’s a renewed Windows 10 OS, not Windows 11. Anything new from Dell starts at $700. HP has some for as little as $500 but they have so little RAM that I’m not sure Photoshop or After Effects would even boot up. If they did, it would take forever for anything to process. Let’s hope that Brandon can work some kind of miracle so that I don’t have to consider any of these options.
I have a copy of the late Maynard Ferguson’s 1976 album, Primal Scream. I put it on yesterday and let it play louder than normal; it could be heard outside my room. This is probably the best and safest way to express what I’m feeling. I’m not okay. I need my desktop. I need my check. I need some sense of at least moderate control over what’s happening in my life. If that can’t happen, just shoot me.
Morning Update: 06/04/24
My alarm is wonky. Jack Jack decided not to wait until 7:00 to wake me this morning. No, he woke me at 6:30 with a series of serious headbutts to let me know that he and his compatriots needed to be fed now. I complied, of course, but then went right back to bed and back to sleep. I’m not sure the dogs so much as moved. I didn’t sleep all that well last night anyway, so getting up earlier than necessary this morning wasn’t going to happen.
Kat wanted to stop by and see our friend Jenni at Fat Cat last night, so I walked down there to meet her. Jenni asked if I’d done anything productive. My answer was no, which will be my answer from here on out even if I manage to stay busy. Sure, Tipper and I walked to the Speedway to get milk and I did re-process a number of pictures, but were either of those actions productive? Not in the sense of doing anything that matters to society. Chemo has made me largely useless from a social perspective. I can sit here and type and complain and do things with pictures, but at the end of the day, none of it matters.
I responded to a request from my endocrinologist asking how my glucose levels were doing. I didn’t hear anything back. I sent a message to my patient advocate about my insurance and didn’t get as much as an acknowledgment from them. So, I’m still waiting.
There was a situation at the Speedway that bothered Tipper a bit. As we were checking out, the store manager saw a man rummaging through the trash outside. She and the one male employee quickly went outside to run him off. He objected, loudly, and raised a bit of a fuss. As Tipper and I left, we stayed off to the side so as to not attract any unwanted attention. Tipper was concerned and we walked quickly to the corner and across the street. The traffic light worked in our favor and we were across Lafayette before the man could catch up. For much of the rest of the way home, she kept looking back over her shoulder to make sure we weren’t being followed.
Tipper explained that men like that are the reason she won’t go anywhere by herself. In this city or any other for that matter, that’s a wise move. We’ve created an environment where women of any age cannot safely travel alone without significant experience in hand-to-hand combat, and even then, they face substantial risks. But can she realistically expect there to always be someone to accompany her?
Take, for example, going to school this fall. She can catch the same bus as her brother going to the transit center, and then her boyfriend, Gio, will meet up with her there for the rest of the trip to school (Tipper’s going to the main campus while G is off campus at the micro-school). What happens, though, if either her brother or Gio isn’t going to school one day? One could be ill, away on a field trip, or have an e-learning day for some reason. What does she do then? Is she safe going to school by herself?
Yeah, I’m gonna worry. I’m not sure what reasonable precautions we can take.
It was more than eight hours later when I walked back down to the bar to meet Kat. The same guy was still there at the intersection. He had his shirt off now, a half-empty bottle in his back pocket, and was inebriated enough that he couldn’t manage to cross the street. He tried to tell me how he, his dad, and his brother, used to live “right here” in the neighborhood, long ago, when the bar was under a different name. He’s a regular outside all the businesses in the area. Kat has witnessed him being thrown out of other convenience stores as well. His life seems to be a series of poor choices, choices which the bottle would indicate that he’s continuing to make.
I’d like to think that maybe someone tried to help him once before, help him get treatment for his alcoholism and whatever else plagues him. There are any number of reasons why he’s on the street. Maybe he’s the person who lives in the tent under the nearby bridge, by the creek. G’s been by there often on his way home, and is sure someone is living there, but has never seen the occupant. Everyone dodges him, and everyone judges him. Yet, he’s still human. He deserves some compassion, doesn’t he?
This is the world we’ve created, one where people on the fringes of society, for whatever reason, are cast aside. We assume they put themselves where they are with a series of bad choices, and for some, that’s likely true, but we know there are plenty of exceptions as well and we won’t know who the exceptions are unless we interact with them. We have to take some risks.
As I’m sitting here typing, I’m thinking of Bill Levin and the First Church of Cannabis. Bill has a lot of detractors, especially within the city government, but he and his church members are doing something no one else is: having a positive impact on homelessness in the city. More than anyone else, they’re out there partnering with Hearts In Hands Homeless Outreach providing food (which drives city officials nuts), blankets, and basic life necessities, including food and medical care for homeless pets. If they meet someone that they can realistically help get off the street, they do so. The City of Indianapolis makes that task as difficult as possible, but Bill has been determined to make a difference.
We need more people like Bill who are willing to take that chance. Maybe I need to be one of those people. I’m not planning on doing any walking today or tomorrow, but the next time I’m out, I’ll be looking. If nothing else, maybe I’ll ask Bill for help. Maybe you could, too.
Okay, time for me to get on with my unproductive day. I’m feeling some pressure in my chest, some fogginess in my head, some pain in my arms. I’m not sure how much of the day I’ll be able to remain upright. I’ll do what we can, though.
Maybe the dogs will find me entertaining.
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