Morning Update: 11/01/24

Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 11/01/24

November 1, 2024

Welcome to November! There’s no question that this month is going to be history-making, one way or the other. The question now is what are we going to have to do to survive it? The prospects of a peaceful holiday season look bleak. Gatherings of any type are likely to be fraught with danger as different perspectives, misinformation, and outright lies color our conversations, turning them from casual to caustic. I’m not looking forward to the next week, no matter how the election goes. This could be traumatic.

The good news is that Kat is coming home today. She’s still not feeling great, obviously, but she misses the kids and wants to see how things go with the cats. Small things like walking and eating still tax her. We will be taking extreme care to ensure her safety while she is here. We greatly appreciate all the thoughts and support coming from our friends during this challenge.

Both kids had fun yesterday. One of G’s friends gave him $5 for wearing his heels to school. Unfortunately, one heel broke when he stumbled over something. He “fixed” it with a glue stick and went on with his day. Tipper enjoyed going out with her friends, but they had a difficult time finding anything exciting. She was disappointed in the haunted house they went to, and few people were participating in the trick-or-treat tradition in any of the neighborhoods they went to. The amount of candy she came back with was too small to bother poaching.

We are extremely thankful to the friend who sent an electrician to fix our problem. It turns out that the problem was a mix of old wiring and a space heater that was pulling too much power. One of the lead wires in the breaker box was quite literally melting and showed signs of having been in that condition for quite some time. We are back to normal activity, minus the space heater in G’s room. Hopefully, I’ll be able to finish editing all the photos from the past two weeks before anything else distracts us.

There are plenty of other little petty annoyances, of course, but who doesn’t have those in their life? I thought I was buying sugar-free caramels. They weren’t. The cats escaped out the back door. We got them all back. As frustrating as those things can be in the moment, I think they’re part of what colors our existence. They are problems we can generally resolve and even when we can’t, they’re not matters that dramatically impact our lives. We’re entering a period where we could face some dramatic challenges. If we’re to survive, we need to keep the minor things in perspective. Yes, I’m preaching to myself. I’m horrible at this.

You know the world is going nuts when the 2-5 Jets beat the division-leading Texans, 21-13. I watched most of the game. The first half was full of errors, penalties, and blunders. The second half was better with the Jets pulling off some amazing catches. Does this mean the Jets are getting better? Maybe, but I wouldn’t start betting on them just yet. The Texans have a number of key players out due to injury. They had to rely on their third-string left tackle for most of the game, and that inexperience allowed Jets linemen to get into the backfield too easily. A healthy Houston team would have likely run all over their opponents. So, we’ll have to see how the Jets do next week.

More insanity occurred off the basketball court as Charlotte Hornets point guard, LaMelo Ball, knocked the head off an animatronic clown. The clown was slightly hidden as Ball entered the Spectrum Center for practice. The 23-year-old’s reaction has his teammates laughing and poking fun. Yes, there’s video.

The election dominates most of the other headlines. I won’t bother going over all of them, but there are a few things that bother me. One is the degree to which gender has become a critical issue. The felon says that he will “protect women.” Harris shoots back, “Women can think for themselves, thank you.” At the same time, the felon makes anti-trans attacks central to his campaign’s closing argument. The entire GOP has ramped up the anti-trans vitriol. Should Republicans win on any level, the lives of millions of women and transgender people could be in danger.

At the same time, the felon’s fraud claims revive fears he may again seek to overturn election results. This is especially concerning since he has an ally as Speaker of the House. Mike Johnson has been actively campaigning for the felon and he is in a position to prevent the House of Representatives from certifying the election. Johnson could also, in theory, refuse to seat new members of Congress should Democrats make significant gains. So much of what happens after the election is out of the hands of citizens, making protests and lawsuits inevitable.

Yes, this is going to affect your holiday gatherings. There is almost no chance that rhetoric will calm down by Thanksgiving and the winter holidays are at risk. Family gatherings, and conversations around the table, are going to be perilous. One has to think: do I want my children to witness adults behaving worse than toddlers? Maybe this is the year that we diffuse the danger by making our holiday celebrations smaller and more intimate, limiting participation to immediate family members only. Let the arguments, if there are any, be over things like who got the last roll or who spilled the gravy on great-grandma’s tablecloth. We have to begin planning now to create environments that respect boundaries, put differences of opinion aside, and focus on family rather than the snakes in the grass that would tear us apart.

As I said at the beginning, what happens this month will be historical regardless of the outcome. Nothing about this month is business as usual. We’ve selected people to run for office who have no business even managing a small fast-food outlet in the middle of the desert. While I do find VP Harris dramatically preferable over the felon, it is ridiculous to think that her administration wouldn’t be filled with gaffes, mistakes, and errors in judgment. To create real change we need to take over local political parties, replacing power brokers who push incompetent people onto the ballot. From there, we can move up the ladder, replacing party leaders at both the state and federal levels. Only then will there be any genuine change.

Perhaps, if we focus on pumpkin pie recipes and creative ways of working with leftover stuffing, we can avoid letting politics ruin what should be happy moments over the rest of the year. Shut the door on nonsense that you can’t control. Give the system a chance to work, and if it fails, address those matters after the first of the year. They’ll still be there, waiting to ruin people’s lives.

For now, go grab a cup of coffee. Make sure the garbage is out by the curb. Don’t forget to let people know that you love them. Make your weekend pleasurable.

Current Issues / Mythology / News & Comment / Politics

Life Without The Influence of Religion Would Be Happier

June 5, 2024

One of the many things that have raised my ire this week, separate from computer issues, has to do with the manner in which religion is obstinately and intentionally interfering with people’s lives and, ultimately, in government. For example, the head of the Ethics Committee for the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) said on Monday (June 3) that IVF is immoral and that Baptists should oppose it. First of all, the idea that Southern Baptists, those stalwarts of sexual abuse and denial, have a committee addressing ethics is laughable. Secondly, the statement mirrors that of the Catholic church, which the SBC has historically positioned itself opposingly on almost every issue.

But more ridiculous and harmful than the insidious idiocy of the SBC statement is the fact that this bullshit ends up having an influence on legislation. The chairman (of course, it’s a man) of the ethics committee wrote in a letter to the U.S. Senate: “We urge legislators to develop and implement a system of federal oversight that protects and informs women and ensures embryos are treated with care, even as we oppose the general practice of IVF.”

What the living fuck is going on with that? Why would a political body even give a shit about the SBC’s stance on anything?

Because, while the First Amendment limits Congress from the “establishment” of religion, it does not limit Congress nor any other political body from inserting religious inference into their governance of any and every issue to which someone thinks it might apply, and 99.99% of the time, it is a Christian influence that policymakers assert. Over time, that influence has grown, especially through the 20th century. The phrase “one nation under God” was not added until 1954 in an effort to distinguish the US from communist states. And while God is never mentioned explicitly in the US Constitution, which is the way it should be, it is mentioned in the constitutions of all 50 states. By invoking the name of any deity at all, those states, and the nation, are implicitly establishing a religion, which makes the whole mess unconstitutional.

Now, we find ourselves in this mess over reproductive rights, which no religious document explicitly mentions in any way, shape, or form, and in the name of some make-believe deity women’s rights are being taken away. First, it was the right to abortion, which the Supreme Court stripped under the influence of the Orange Felon, and now, invoking the same mythology and absence of reasoning, they’re going after IVF!

Consider what Vice President Kamala Harris had to say to Jimmy Kimmel last night (June 4):

There are better ways to run a country than to do so under the misguided influence of a mythology. In fact, if we extrapolate existing research, the argument can be made that we would be happier if we were not governed under the influence of any religion. Consider that persistent annual research has shown that the following countries are among the happiest:

Norway 7th
Sweden – 4th
Denmark – 2nd
Finland -1st for the seventh year in a row
Iceland – 3rd

Meanwhile, the United States isn’t even in the top 20, coming in at a dismal 23rd place. While the research does not directly target religion, it is worth pointing out that the countries I’ve listed are all explicitly secular in their governance. Religion is forbidden from playing any part. That does not mean the people who live there are not religious, but they do not allow their religious beliefs to interfere with how the country operates, how its laws are formed, or how its people are treated.

I can’t imagine what it must be like, how different it must be, to live full-time, to grow up, be educated, and pursue one’s life’s work, in a country that is not constantly trying to hammer everyone into some form of religious compliance. It would be so very different from the country we now live in. Do you know what country demands religious adherence? Afghanistan. Want to know where they land as far as their people being happy? At the very bottom of the scale. Dead last.

Stop and ask yourself: do we want to become the next Afghanistan? Because the way we’re headed now, that’s exactly where we’re going to end up.

Music

Sunday Morning Sing-A-Long

October 9, 2016

Time is important to me because I want to sing long enough to leave a message. I’m used to singing in churches where nobody would dare stop me until the Lord arrives! —Mahalia Jackson

charles i. letbetter - sunday morning sing-a-long

Music is something to be shared and the meaning runs deeper when we sing together

Growing up with my butt firmly planted in church on Sunday mornings, it just seems natural that there should be music. Hymns chosen to complement the topic of the morning’s sermon served as emotional preparation for what was to come. When the congregation would sing together, the sound could be glorious — or not, depending on the church.

Whether we’re in church or out, when we sing with other people we are somehow bonded emotionally to them. We may not know their names. We almost certainly don’t know their circumstances. Yet, as we bring our voices together, singing words we know so well, we are filled with a warm sense of belonging. For a moment, we are part of a choir and it doesn’t matter whether we get all the words right or if we miss a note here and there. What matters is that we sing.

After my missive on happiness this morning, it occurs to me that what was missing from my sermon was the music. Granted, I’m not inclined to lead everyone in a number of hymns. I think a more secular invocation is appropriate for our purposes. When we think about happiness, there are a number of songs that pop to mind. So, what we’re going to do is give you a group of videos, lyrics included or which you likely know, and let’s all sing together, shall we? I know it’s not church, but I think it will be enjoyable.

https://youtu.be/PGJX9tutZEA

There, is everybody happy now?

pop culture / PotD

Our Obsessive Pursuit Of Happiness Makes Us Sad

October 9, 2016

charles i. letbetter - our happiness obsession makes us sad

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. —Mahatma Gandhi

charles i. letbetter - our obsessive pursuit of happiness makes us sad

Our relentless pursuit of happiness is very likely the one thing that is making us unhappy

Our little ones regularly tell me that I’m mean. Typically, that accusation comes when I tell them to go to bed, or don’t let them play with knives, or deny them the fourth cookie. In their view, I am impeding their path to happiness. For all their short little lives, other people have been focused on making them happy: grandparents, teachers, babysitters, etc. They are told in a thousand different ways that their happiness is what matters. Then, Kat and I come along and ruin by insisting that they take a bath, or not play in the litter box, or tell them to stop climbing the walls in the hallway (not kidding). We are so very mean.

I’m rather sure that when Thomas Jefferson included that line about the “pursuit of happiness,” he didn’t realize the level of horror he was unleashing on us a little more than two centuries later. We have come to take his words as a mandate: we must pursuit happiness. We think that we are not being fulfilled as individuals if we are not pursuing happiness. Oh, and by the way, it is our own individual happiness that matters. If your pursuit of happiness interferes with my pursuit of happiness then what you are doing is wrong. This is where our current social thought process has taken us.

Could it be that we have become so incredibly focused on being happy that we’ve lost sight of all the other things in life that matter? Does happiness need to be our highest priority or might there be more to life?

America, The Happy

Such obsessiveness over whether we are happy is apparently a uniquely American thing that doesn’t occur in other societies. Ruth Whippman, an English writer, journalist, and documentarian currently living in California, wrote a rather interesting book, AMERICA THE ANXIOUS: How Our Pursuit of Happiness is Creating a Nation of Nervous Wrecks. You can get a taste of her book in this article on Vox. Part of the motivation for writing her book was the experience of coming from a society where happiness isn’t given a second thought and being tossed into the heart of a culture that is wholly obsessed with how happy they are. What she notices is that, as hard as we try, we’re really not any happier. In the Vox article she says:

To an outsider, it can sometimes feel as though the entire population has a nationwide standardized happiness exam to take and everyone is frantically cramming the night before to get a good grade. Like a stony-faced “that’s hilarious” after a joke in place of laughter — another mildly unnerving staple of conversation in this country — it appears that somewhere along the line, the joy has been sucked out of American happiness.

Americans are obsessed with being happy, I am convinced, because we somehow see it as part of our national birthright. We look at our lives and if we don’t think we’re happy then, somehow, our country is letting us down. Certainly, the Republican candidate for President whose slogan is “Make America Great Again,” enjoys such ridiculous appeal despite all that is inappropriate about him because what he’s actually saying is, “Make American Happy Again.” People respond to that desire to be happy, even if it denies happiness to others.

Our Entitlement Philosophy

Because we, as Americans feel entitled to being happy, we give that feeling a priority and refuse to accept any other emotion for very long. Sadness is not acceptable. Depression requires medication, as does anxiety. If we are angry then we “have issues.” One who is overly enthusiastic is “out of touch,” but one who is embarrassed or feeling guilty needs to “get in touch with their inner self.” We look at happiness as our diety-delivered right and refuse to accept anything else.

One of the most ridiculous yet widely followed and often quoted statements in history comes from Ayn Rand:

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

Can you see how that self-centered piece of horseshit is guiding the entitlement philosophy of an entire political party? Rand, and those who blindly follow her, put one’s personal happiness as a moral imperative above things such as being kind, helping others, compassion, caring, and empathy. When we become so singularly focused 0n achieving a state of happiness, when our purpose in life is to please ourselves first, we end up with policies that are anti-women because that infringes on the happiness of the men making the laws. If our integrity hinges on an imaginary emotional state of bliss, then we develop hate toward others whose conditions of poverty make us look bad. When we depend on the unachievable as proof of our values, we then question and criticize the values of others.

Creating A Happy Culture

I’m sitting here looking at Little Man’s report card for the first term. He’s in second grade. Back in the cultural stone age of when I went to school, second grade was the last year we received the grossly over-generalized grades of S for satisfactory and U for unsatisfactory. Either we understood the material or we didn’t. No gray area. By contrast, the grading scale for Little Man’s class is as follows:

4 = Exceeding Standards
3 = Meeting Standards
2 = Working Towards Standards
1 = Not Meeting Standards

There are a tremendous number of 4s on this report, which pleases Kat. However, as Little Man was going over the report card with me this past week, he wasn’t happy. “Threes aren’t good enough,” he told me. “Threes mean I’m just the same as everyone else. 4s mean I’m better than most the people in my class.”

“So, three isn’t good enough?” I asked.

“I wish there was a 5 to show that I’m the best,” he answered. “That would really make me happy.”

Good god, we’re raising an over-achiever. Yet, this is how Little Man defines whether or not he is happy. S for satisfactory would never be enough for him. Exceeding standards isn’t enough for him. This social culture has convinced him that he needs to be on top, leaving everyone else behind, in order to be happy. The kid is likely in for a world of disappointment. Yet, if he demonstrated any lesser amount of determination then he would be labeled as an underachiever and probably considered uncooperative.

The Curse of Mindful Empowerment

In the world of creating happiness, there are two buzz words that come up a lot. One is empowerment, the other is mindfulness. On their own, both words can have some really positive meaning. Yet, as we’ve taken them to become significant parts of our push to find what makes us happy, we might have taken both words a little too far. I like what Ms. Whippman says about empowerment:

As a rule, “empowerment” appears to be the consolation prize for those of us who will never have any actual power, and you can safely assume that no one in any position of genuine authority will be joining in. Creating a Tumblr of photos of your post–C-section wobbling and scarred naked stomach? Empowering! Creating a Tumblr of photos of your post-prostate surgery rectum? Not so much, senator.

Mindfulness requires being completely focused on whatever one is doing right at this moment. For example, if I was fully mindful, I would be totally consumed with writing the article and probably miss the fact that I have water boiling on the stove. Yet, the Mindfulness movement is so large that it has even made the cover of TIME (January, 2014). Should one make a trip to mindfulness.org, the home base of all things mindful, one sees articles such as The 7 Qualities of Mindfulness Trained in the Body Scan and Take a Mindful Hike. Here, happiness comes through hyper-attentiveness on a specific object or thought, not letting the mind wander, and thereby avoiding all things negative. That sentence is an over-simplification, of course, but again it is pushing one to focus on themselves to the exclusion of other things and other people around them.

I’m not anti-self-help, mind you. Rather, I think that when we improve ourselves it should be so that we are better able to help others and our community. Society only works when we are involved outside ourselves.

Going About This The Wrong Way

Happiness is elusive. To the extent that we spend all our time, all our motivation, in the pursuit of a condition we often cannot even define, we end up making our lives miserable. Gallup does an annual Positive Emotions Survey that essentially matters how happy people are. They poll adults in 140 countries and ask the following questions:

• Did you feel well-rested yesterday?
• Were you treated with respect all day yesterday?
• Did you smile or laugh a lot yesterday?
• Did you learn or do something interesting yesterday?

With all the effort Americans put into being happy, one might be tempted to think that we’re at the top of the list. We’re not. The US isn’t even in the top ten. Want to know who is the happiest? People in these countries, scale based on 100 being the happiest:

Paraguay 84
Guatemala 83
Honduras 83
Uzbekistan 83
Ecuador 83
El Salvador 82
Indonesia 82
Costa Rica 81
Uruguay 81
Colombia 81
Switzerland 81

One doesn’t need to look long to realize that none of the countries listed are likely to be engaged in things like empowerment and mindfulness. They’re not doing yoga and attending seminars on How To Be A Better You. Yet, they are consistent, year after year, happier than we are. We’re still in the top 25, mind you, but that people in lesser industrialized countries with fewer opportunities, higher unemployment, and lower wages would still be happier than we are should give us a hint that we’re probably going about this the wrong way.

Perhaps Happy Isn’t What We Need

One of the lessons I learned from going to church every waking moment of my youth is that no one promises us happiness. In fact, we’re pretty much assured that happiness isn’t going to happen all that often. If Poppa were sitting here with me this morning, and perhaps he is, he would likely use this scripture to make his point:

Philippians 4:11-13New International Version (NIV)

¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do all this through him who gives me strength. [Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.]

Look back up at the questions asked for the Positive Emotions Index. Did you sleep well? The question isn’t whether you slept as long as you want. Neither does it involve the type of bedding on which one sleeps. Simply sleeping well is sufficient and being content with that is more likely to leave us feeling satisfied. Were you treated with respect all day yesterday? That’s going to change from day to day and perhaps even moment to moment. Yet, to the degree we can find contentedness, not happiness, in our situation, regardless of how others treat us, we are more likely to feel better about ourselves.

Now, look what happens when we focus questions outward. Did you help someone else smile or laugh today? Chances are, if you helped someone smile, you were probably smiling also. It is easier to feel good when we are helping others feel good. Did you teach someone something new and interesting today? Does not improving someone else’s life not improve your own at the same time? When we are content, we might just increase our happiness because contentedness allows us to focus outward rather than inward.

We Are Not Cocoons

One would think that the pursuit of happiness is a virtue, a positive character trait to be admired. Unfortunately, Americans, in their obsession to find happiness at any cost, have made that pursuit negative. Too often, our happiness comes at the expense of others. We focus so fully on what we think might make us feel better that we lose sight of what we could do to make the world feel better.

If we were some type of larvae that lives in a cocoon with no interaction with or obligation to the outside world, then sure, focusing on our own happiness might be totally appropriate. We do not live in cocoons, though. We are part of a vibrant, loud, emotional, and needy society. When we focus on our own happiness to the exclusion of those around us, we ultimately do harm to the whole.

Instead, perhaps we should work more to find contentedness and focus our intentions and actions on helping others. Something tells me that when we stop pursuing happiness so hard it might just show up on its own.

Editorial / PotD / video

Truth Gets Ugly And Brutal. Deal With It.

September 13, 2016

In a time of universal deceit — telling the truth is a revolutionary act. —George Orwell

charles i. letbetter - truth is ugly and brutal

Truth is rarely as pretty or as palpable as we want. Truth is rather brutal and we need to deal with it.

I had a conversation early this morning, before walking the dog, with a friend who is sitting with his father, waiting for him to die. I’ve sat in that chair, where there’s nothing one can do to bring them back or make their exit from this plane of existence more comfortable. Truth is, we’re all going to be there. If we’re not in the chair holding the hand of a parent, we’re the one in the bed.

I teased elsewhere this morning that I looked in the mirror and realized that I’m too old and too ugly to die young and leave a good-looking corpse. Mirrors force us to face truth in ways we don’t especially enjoy. Truth is often brutal. Perhaps that’s why we tend to avoid it so much. Try as we may, though, truth catches up with us sooner or later.

An article came across my desk recently, 20 Brutal Truths About Life No One Wants to Admit. While some of the points are a bit redundant (that happens when an editor insists that lists be in conveniently round numbers), the truths he mentions are valid for all of us. We don’t like acknowledging them, to be sure, but if we’re going to get through life with any level of contentedness, we have to deal with things we don’t like.

There’s No Escaping Death

You’re going to die. Your friends are going to die. Everything and everyone around you is going to die. Furthermore, no one controls when that might happen. As much as I like to say I’m going to live long enough to be a pain in the ass to my grandchildren, the truth is I don’t control when I’m going to die. None of us do. I could just as easily step out the back door and be taken out by a random rabid owl. While that scenario isn’t exactly likely, there are far too many things over which we have no control that could cause us to die suddenly and unexpectedly. An unknown space object could come crashing to the earth. Volcanoes could suddenly swallow North America. North Korea.

We don’t deal with the thought of mortality well and that needs to change. Realize that all those awards, the size of your bank account, all those accomplishments don’t mean a damn thing when you’re lying on your death bed. That’s assuming you even get a death bed. There are myriad paths to fatality where you’re alive one moment and not the next. We might think we’re going to die of cancer then get hit by a bus on our way to the clinic.

A lot of people talk about leaving a legacy. A lot of that talk is horseshit. Just because your name is on a half-dozen buildings doesn’t mean anyone actually cares about who you were or that your goals and ideals live on. Charities happily take your money and then, once you’re dead, do what they damn well please with it. If you want your money to do something, do it now.

Do Something That Actually Matters

Hard truth: accumulating wealth doesn’t matter. You don’t take it with you and you can’t really control what happens to it when you’re gone. The best you can hope to do is guide how your money is spent and even that is dubious. Even giving your money away isn’t nearly as impactful as charities like to make you believe. If you really want to make a difference: donate your time. Being hands on with a cause that is important makes much more difference than just giving money.

What we do with our lives, how we spend those waking moments, are what lead us to happiness and fulfillment. Searching for happiness itself is a fruitless effort; you won’t just find it sitting in a cafe somewhere waiting for you . Happiness happens when you do things. Good things. Things that help other people. Things that make a difference to the planet.

Don’t over think everything you do. You can’t be perfect nor can you please everyone. Don’t waste your time telling other people what to do, get in there and do it yourself and let everyone else follow if they want. It is much more important that you set a good example than trying to lead everyone else from the sidelines. If you want to leave a legacy, make it one of achieving what no one thought you could achieve.

Time Matters

Since any one of us could croak at any minute, that makes every moment in which you’re not dying all the more important. That means, truth be told, you need to set some priorities and start managing the hell out of your life. Love someone? Don’t just tell them, show them. Spend time with the people who mean the most to you. Show them you care. I promise, when they’re lying in a bed dependent upon constant IVs and other assistance in order to exist, it doesn’t matter how fucking busy you thought you were or how important you thought you were being. Nothing matters more than the time you spend with the people you love.

The truth of our mortality also dictates that if you want to do something you’d best get busy doing it now. Don’t wait to ask for permission if you don’t need to. Don’t wait until the timing is more convenient because that never happens. Timing is never convenient. So, if you want to start a family, take the steps necessary to start a family. If you want to learn a language, start talking. If you want to travel, start walking.

One of the biggest mistakes we make is that we sit back and let life happen to us. We are being lazy and stupid when we do that. No one is going to show up at the front door and just hand you a bundle of cash. No one is going to walk up to you on the street and just offer you a dream job. We have to make life happen for ourselves. Otherwise, we look up one day and realize we’re 70 years old and all we’ve done with our lives is wait.

Take It From Someone Who Failed

At the end of the article I mentioned earlier is a brief video conversation with Bill Bartman. Bill understands the truth about how nasty and ugly and terribly inconvenient things can be. He has had it all and lost every last bit of it. He understands, though, that we don’t let failure stop us from taking risks, living life, and getting things done. So, I’ll leave you with that video. It’s only five and a half minutes, so take the time to watch. Then go. Do. Live.

PotD / science

Be My Friend, Live Longer & Happier

August 29, 2016

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day. —Dalai Lama

The secret to both longevity and happiness, it turns out, is to have good friends and deep relationships

“How many Facebook friends do you have?” There’s only one group of people to whom that question’s answer actually matters: Marketers. They look at the number of friends as a ratio for the number of people you influence. You like something, they are more likely to like the same thing. You buy something, they may buy something similar. Marketing looks at a friend not as a relationship but as leverage for selling.

You know was well as I do that social media “friends” or “followers” aren’t actually relationships, though. Those people, or the numbers, might make us feel a little better about ourselves but they’re not going to come help you move. That sympathetic online friend isn’t likely to buy you the drink you really need. The random Twitter follower isn’t likely to lend you the money you need to fix the car. While there might be the occasional exception, most online friends typically stay that way: online. We don’t develop real relationships with them.

The people who are really our friends, though, have a bigger impact on our lives than we might have thought. Mainly, the depth of those relationships and the number of them we have, help us to live both longer and healthier lives. Being my friend, in real life, is good for you, even if I’m occasionally a pain in the ass. What’s more, there’s actual science to prove it.

Everybody Needs A Friend

I’m drawing results from the longest-running study of human wellness and development, the Harvard Grant Study. The Grant study started in 1938 with 730 men. Half were Harvard sophomores. The other half were young men from the slums of Boston. For over 75 years, researchers followed these men through their lives, through war, through marriage, through various employments, and into retirement. They looked at everything, including their health. They even did brain scans. And what was the top takeaway from all that research? Friends, good, strong relationships, keep us healthier and help us to live longer lives.

This goes beyond just having a best friend, though that is definitely a strong factor. The larger one’s real-life friend network is, the more likely they are to live longer and be more satisfied with the content of their lives. Having friends who share experiences, who are sympathetic and supportive, and who just “hang out” are all important. These are the relationships that stay with us. A friend that is with us at age 50 is more likely to still be our friend at age 80 and beyond.

What’s important about this level of friendship is that a friend is encouraging. Friends that create and promote conflict are not helpful. Relationships that are constantly in turmoil actually do us more harm than good. Divorce can be healthier than living in a high-conflict marriage. Yet, where we have a friend on whom we can depend, a friend that makes us smile, we are more likely to be healthy.

Loneliness Kills

What is equally important to realize is that just as quality relationships prolong our lives, the absence of them shortens our lives. At any given point, on any day you choose, one in five Americans says they’re lonely. Loneliness kills. Those who are isolated from society are more likely to die sooner. Those who do not have a friend to whom they can talk are more likely to develop terminal diseases that lead to death.

By contrast, one should note that it is not merely the presence of friends that keeps us healthy, but the depth and quality of those relationships. A line that seems to be important is the age of 50. Prior to reaching middle age, friends are more numerous but they are also more likely to come and go with some frequency. As we get older, however, the number of friends begins to solidify. The relationships that matter get deeper and have more meaning in our lives.

This does not mean that having more friends makes life easier. The Grant Study started in 1938 and right away a majority of the participants were flung into World War II. Some who were well off and privileged plunged to the depths of poverty. Some who were raised in Boston tenements rose to the top of social standing. The ranges of experience varied dramatically. What remained consistent is that those with a good friend, those with strong relationships, weathered the storms better.

Friends Protect Our Brains

I find it especially interesting that having multiple strong relationships not only helps us live longer, but they also help protect our brains. Looking at study participants who are now in their 90s, those with a healthy dose of friends experienced the effects and diseases related to dementia at a much slower rate and later in life than those who did not have a strong friend network. Having friends keeps our brains functioning more strongly, helps our memory recall, and keeps our brains more nimble.

When we are young we collect more friends to help us feel a part of society. We surround ourselves with those who are like-minded in an effort to validate our own opinions and lifestyle. As we get older, however, we begin looking for that friend who is going to be there long-term, even if they are not physically close. The friend who we may not see every day but is there to talk with even on the boring days is invaluable. Having friends who don’t judge, with whom we can be ourselves, keep us healthy and happy.

Interestingly enough, among the 60 study participants still living, which happens to include one former US President (think about it), every last one of them has repeatedly confirmed over the years that friendships are a dominant factor in their happiness than either money or fame. Some have done well financially, others are barely getting by, but they all agree that it is those deep, abiding relationships that make life worthwhile.

I don’t know about you, but I’m always open to more friends; the real ones. Let’s do coffee. Perhaps we’ll both live longer.

Current Issues / PotD / Social Commentary

Time To Ditch The Cruelty

April 4, 2016

Cruelty, like every other vice, requires no motive outside of itself; it only requires opportunity. —George Eliot

charles i. letbetter - time to ditch the cruelty

We need more smiles. We need more niceness. We need less cruelty.

I started yesterday in one of those foul moods where I’m pretty sure my verbal cruelty had Kat more than happy to be spending the day at the salon. I hate those days, but yesterday rather snuck up on me as a confluence of circumstance combined with continual interference from an unwanted external source made the situation intolerable. While I would like to excuse the behavior as just being human, I can’t. I know better. I caved to those basest and vile instincts that might have had their place some 40,000 years ago but are wholly inappropriate now.

Sadder still, I’m far from being the only one who has had issues with cruelty of late. We have come to expect cruelty in a presidential election year, I suppose, but that still doesn’t make the comments against women, minorities, immigrants, or other candidates’ family members any more appropriate. One of the first things I saw in my newsfeed this morning was a click-bait article (I’ll not bother you with the link) recounting the 17 worst assassination attempts on President Obama. And the whole still-developing mess from the Panama Papers threatens to unleash a whole new wave of international outrage toward anyone whose offshore dealings come off as shady. Given the current inference of bad guys mixing with heads of state, one might expect the next couple of weeks to be a bit tense at best.

I worry that cruelty has become our second nature. Someone says something we don’t like, we want to punch them. Someone represents something we oppose, we want to redistribute their body parts. Someone cuts us off in traffic, we’re immediately homicidal. We don’t want to take time to talk and understand each other’s point of view, we don’t want to take into consideration a different perspective. We don’t want to negotiate a peaceful outcome. We want full and complete destruction and will go to whatever means necessary to satisfy our blood lust.

This is the world we have created. We cannot blame our bent toward cruelty on previous generations. We did not learn this through bad parenting. We did not get here by failing to get the right trophy when we were in grade school. This is the result of a conscious and deliberate decision to not stop ourselves at that first moment of anger or disappointment. We could have just as easily shut ourselves down and done the right thing, but we decided, both collectively and individually, to let the anger push us forward.

As a result, we no longer even notice when five are killed in Pittsburg, or Kansas City, or Glendale. When an Uber driver goes nuts and kills six in Kalamazoo, we’re momentarily upset because children were involved, but then we go right back to exactly the same things we were doing the moment before. We’ve resigned ourselves to the notion that this is just the way things are and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

I call bullshit.

I can do something about my attitude and my response to everything that happens to and around me. How I respond, in turn, effects how others around me respond and their response impacts others beyond my reach. Every last one of us can improve the world simply by changing our own response and not letting anger and cruelty take over. We are in control and just as my grousing and cursing made yesterday difficult for everyone, I can just as easily make this morning better by saying thank you, speaking softly, and maybe even hand delivering a kiss or two where appropriate.

You can do the same. I know you can. You can smile, even though the weather this morning leaves something to be desired. You can choose a quiet, positive-toned response when someone approaches you with unjustified anger. You can stick up for someone who’s being treated unfairly. You can earnestly try to understand someone else’s point of view, even though you disagree with their position on the matter. You can step back, count to ten, or maybe even walk away from a situation rather than losing your temper.

We can all do a lot to change this pattern of cruelty that we’ve allowed to permeate our society. After all, we were the ones who let the situation get out of control in the first place. Politicians don’t make America or anywhere else great, people do. Let this be your #MondayMotivation to start making the world more friendly. We can do it.

Current Issues / pop culture

International Day of Happiness

March 20, 2016

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. —Mahatma Gandhi

What does environmental sustainability have to do with happiness? Well … we’re thinking

Today is International Day of Happiness. The United Nations has declared it, so I guess we don’t really have any choice but to go along with it. Please, everyone together now, BE HAPPY! Here, I’ll even give you some music to go along with it:

There, did that make you feel happy? If so, my work here is done. There’s no need for you to read any further, we’re good. I won’t be offended if you go outside and do something now.

What’s that? You’re still not happy? Yeah, I feel you. Most days it takes more than just saying, “I think I’ll be happy today,” for us to actually feel happy. Happiness can be elusive and is especially difficult to find when one is surrounded by jackasses and Republicans. Yes, I just made this post political when it didn’t need to be. Sue a duck. Politics is actually one of the primary barricades to anyone, anywhere, ever feeling happy at all. I don’t know of a faster way to suck the happy air right out of a room than with politics.

Happiness isn’t something one can mandate, which is why I find it interesting that the United Nations would choose to name a day about environmental conservancy the International Day of Happiness. There are so very many ways to be happy, to make others happy, and to bring happiness the entire planet that have absolutely nothing to do with the environment. Well, at least, they don’t seem to meet that qualification.

Stop and think about the things that bring happiness, whether to yourself or others. Giving someone flowers can bring happiness; helping someone plant flowers might bring them happiness even longer, and it’s the right time of year to be doing that sort of thing. Going for a hike in the woods can make one very happy, and hiking and enjoying nature is so much better for the planet than driving around in circles looking for a parking place at the mall. Helping a child get a drink of water so they don’t waste a gallon in the process makes people happy and helps keep the planet sustainable at the same time. So yes, being environmentally friendly can result in happiness. The UN even created this video to prove it:

Uhm, is it me or does Red not really look all that happy about any of the environmentally friendly things he was doing? Maybe Red’s just an old grouch, like me. We old grouches don’t do happiness without a damn good reason and not too many of our good reasons are especially environmentally friendly. I hate to be the one to second-guess the United Nations on anything, but the correlation here environmental activism and happiness doesn’t seem to make a great deal of sense. The planet is not sustainable in its current condition. Getting it back to a state of sustainability is going to be work, not fun, and much of that work is not going to be happiness-inducing. Too much environmental work involves politics, and politics makes no one happy but the politicians.

So, what does make people happy? Everyone’s list is going to be different, but let me just toss out a few ideas that I know would make me happy.

Free chocolate for everyone!
More attention toward making coffee growing and harvesting sustainable so that coffee prices can maybe come down a dime or two.
More photography clients.
More naked photography clients.
More naked photography clients who come bearing chocolate.
More naked people, in general.
Long’s donuts.
Children who actually listen the first time you tell them to do something rather than waiting until you’ve told them 4,478,926 times before moving.
Having a babysitter on a Friday or Saturday night
Very large bottles of scotch in every room of the house.
New cameras, lenses, lighting, and all that other cool photography equipment I can’t afford because there aren’t more naked photography clients.
Guests who come bearing chocolate … and coffee … and scotch. Naked.

I could go on. There are a lot of things that have the potential to bring happiness into my life. Sleeping in a bed rather than on the couch makes me happy. Kisses make me happy. It really isn’t all that difficult to make me happy.

So, why am I not happy more often than grouchy? Obviously, you’re not trying hard enough. Unfriendly neighborhood ordinances that require cutting the lawn too early are not environmentally friendly and do not make me happy. Having a state governor who protects corporate polluters and ruins our state’s waterways does not make me happy. A political system that protects corporate profits in the face of unprecedented climate change make me exceedingly unhappy. Fashion that uses real fur when faux is cheaper and more readily available totally pisses me off, and yes, Dennis Basso, I’m looking right at you. At the end of the day, there are far too many people doing things to upset me than there are those attempting to contribute to my happiness.

And I’m sure the same is true for almost everyone. I know two small children who are going to be extremely unhappy when I ground them to their rooms after telling them to stop running up and down the hallway 5. 387 times this morning. I have the ability to make a lot of people very unhappy without hardly even trying.

So, maybe we should all try harder. You show up naked with chocolates and I’ll not shoot the neighbor whose stereo is entirely too loud for a Sunday morning, and maybe we’ll all go for a walk later.

I hope that makes the UN happier, because you know I wouldn’t want to ruin International Day of Happiness. Would you?

PotD / Social Commentary

Some Days Just Suck

February 12, 2016

Tonight I’ll dust myself off, tonight I’ll suck my gut in, I’ll face the night and I’ll pretend I got something to believe in.—Jon Bon Jovi

Just as every day has the potential to be great, they have to potential to suck, and it’s not always your choice

I would very much like to meet the person who came up with the concept that every day is supposed to be bright, cheery, and wonderful. I would very much like to meet this person and come upside their head with a two-by-four. Why? Every day is not good. There is not always a reason to smile. Not every bad situation has a silver lining. Everything does not work out for the best. Some days just suck and to deny that censors feelings we legitimately need, such as anger, disappointment, and grief, if we are to ever improve our world. Remember: there are no bad emotions. Even the non-happy ones have their place.

So, here it is another Friday, the end of the work week, allegedly, and you have at least two, possibly three days off if you work for someone who observes President’s Day. Maybe you have big plans, have already spent a lot of money on deposits and such, and have everything arranged perfectly. You’ve done all you can and you’ve put your best effort into the whole weekend. Then, something happens, something you cannot control. Your father-in-law has a heart attack. Your car engine inexplicably blows a gasket in the middle of an intersection. That lovely person who was supposed to join you this weekend becomes ill and can’t stop puking. One of the children falls and breaks a limb. Suddenly, this Friday stops being happy and now, immediately, sucks. Your plans are ruined, your deposits are non-refundable, and all those perfect arrangements are irrelevant. There’s no recovery.

Sure, the day may suck. What’s important at this point is that you not deny how you feel. Don’t let someone tell you to suck it up. You can’t deal with those emotions until you admit that you have them. Be disappointed, there’s nothing wrong with that. Be angry, not in the sense that you fly off the handle and hurt someone else, but step away and punch the living hell out of a pillow or something. Go outside and scream. Let it out. Deal with those negative emotions.

No matter what we do, no matter how we try to live our lives as joyfully and righteously as possible, there are going to be days that suck, and they’re going to happen when it is least convenient to put up with the sucking. Part of what makes a day suck is that it upsets what we were expecting from the day. Convenience isn’t in the cards when life suddenly turns sour. Even when you have some clue that a day is going to be difficult and you try to prepare yourself for the inevitable, it still can be worse than you ever expected.

My father died 14 years ago. We knew it was coming. If anything, we had hoped the end would come sooner because seeing him suffer through the deterioration caused by cancer was heart-wrenching. When I flew into Tulsa that morning, I knew what I was facing, that the inevitable had finally come. This was not going to be a good day. Yet, for all the mental and emotional preparation I had done, the moment he finally took his last breath, when the grip he had on my hand relaxed for the last time, when the hospice nurse looked at us and shook her head, the wave of grief that swept over me in that moment was unlike anything I had ever felt. This was more than just a bad day.

I didn’t think I would ever feel pain like that again, but I did. Six months and four days later I was called home from the office. Mother had fallen during the night and died quite unexpectedly. Not only was their grief, there was anger. I had just spoken to her the night before. What went wrong? To say that day sucked would be the most severe of understatements.

You’ve had days like that as well, maybe worse. I think of people who lose entire families in one fell swoop. People full of hope and opportunity are suddenly, for any number of reasons, paralyzed or struck with some seemingly random disease that dashes their hopes like glass on a concrete floor. A baby dies. A house catches fire. A dear pet is hit by a car. Those are all days that suck.

People are always trying to take a bad situation and make it better. Stop it. Let us deal appropriately with the bad, recognize tragedy for what it is, and then give people the space to move on in their own time, in their own way. Not every day gets to have a smile. Some days have tears, and that’s okay. Offer a tissue if you want to help, but never tell someone to not cry, to not feel whatever they’re feeling.

Some days just suck. Be a friend and accept that.

Current Issues / PotD

Lottery Lost, What’s Next?

January 14, 2016

I have never played the lottery in my life and never will. Voltaire described lotteries as a tax on stupidity. More specifically, I think, on innumeracy.—Daniel Tammet

If you really need to get your blood pumping, there’s nothing like a romp in the snow in your underwear

So, you lost the lottery. Again. Please excuse me if I don’t feel too terribly sorry for you. My opinion of lotteries is right down there with wet shoes and jeans that don’t fit right. Sure, the concept of $1.4 billion is alluring, but no one is going to get that. There were no fewer than three winning Powerball tickets sold. The amount will be divided, half will be taken in taxes, and what’s left will be less than what one might make from investing wisely. What bothers me is that I’m sure there was more than one person who spent their last two dollars on a damn lottery ticket instead of food, and are now both hungry and broke.

The country has been so obsessed with the lottery over the past week or so that its passing leaves a bit of a void in the realm of mindless office conversation. With dreams of telling the boss to fuck off having gone out the window (for now), whatever shall we do? Wherever shall we go? Oh, the hopelessness of humanity! (Please tell me you’re picking up on the sarcasm there.)

I’m not inclined to leave everyone stranded this morning, though perhaps some of you deserve such. So, here’s a list of options for you, carefully crafted over the day’s first cup of coffee, of things you can do today despite not having won the lottery.

Go play in the snow. Make it more exciting by doing it in your underwear. Really brave and daring? Do it naked. Just, uhm, pick me up before you do that last one. We need pictures or it didn’t happen.
Drop by your favorite coffee shop, order coffee, drink it there. Too often we’re in such a hurry that we don’t take the time to enjoy the little things around us. Relax. Sit. Drink your coffee. Maybe even strike up a conversation with a new friend.
Get your hair done. Hair deserves to be pampered when it’s this cold. If you don’t have hair, maybe get a scalp massage.
Have lunch with someone who loves you. Maybe your mother, or a sibling, or a spouse. Call them up, meet them for lunch, enjoy the company.
Adopt a pet. Winter is an especially rough time for strays. Two of our favorite kitties are ones we brought in out of the cold last winter. They’ve now acclimated and become the best lap cats ever. Many shelters are full. Gain a friend and save a life by adopting a new pet.
Try a new cuisine or, at least. a new restaurant. Kat and I are fortunate to have both been around the world and privileged to try many different foods. Still, there are plenty of restaurants around we haven’t tried and each one offers the chance for a new culinary and perhaps cultural adventure.
Have sex in the middle of the day. I’ll leave the details to your own imagination.
Discover a new local artist. There are artists everywhere, even in smaller communities. Look around, ask your local arts organization. Meet someone creative and maybe even buy something. They’ll appreciate your time and patronage.
Read a book; it doesn’t even have to be a new one. I can think of no better way to spend a moment’s down time than to pick up a book and read a few pages. Your brain really could use the exercise.
Have your picture taken! Okay, so not every photographer you know is going to be available on such short notice, but I know I have openings today and I’m guessing a number of my colleagues do as well. As with our first suggestion, you can always make it more exciting by doing it naked. In the snow. Contact us.

See, you have options! Okay, so they don’t involve quitting your job and buying an island in the Caribbean. You really don’t want all that hassle anyway. Relax. Enjoy the life you have instead of wasting time wishing for you one you don’t. You don’t need to win the lottery to have an amazing and rich life.

PotD

Always A Smile

November 13, 2015

Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while.—Simon Fowler

Zachariah (2015)

[one_half padding=”4px 10px 0 4px”]I’ve been told that I don’t smile enough. Such comments typically come from people who really don’t know me all that well. Those who are around me the most often know that I actually smile rather often, but my smiles are not the big, toothy smiles that many people associate with happiness. Rather, mine are more subtle: the turning up of one corner of my mouth given away by a certain look in my eyes. Kat catches me smiling even when I don’t think that I am.

As a photographer, a smile isn’t always what I’m wanting to see. Sure, if we’re doing engagement photos or at a birthday party, then by all means, smile away. But for more editorial looks, especially those that involved carefully designed and applied makeup, a big smile can ruin everything. Smiles change the shape of the face, push the cheeks up toward the eyes, and often cause people to appear as though they are squinting. For editorial or fashion work, the wrong kind of smile can be absolutely devastating to the photograph.

A smile is a form of encouragement, an unspoken greeting that is inherently cheerful. Mother used to complain that one of the biggest differences between living in Kansas versus Oklahoma was that people in Kansas didn’t smile as much. Mom had a habit of smiling almost any time she was in public. When she met someone on the street she would smile and say hello. People from Oklahoma were like that once upon a time. When she moved to Kansas in 1958, though, folks up there looked at her as though she were crazy for smiling so much. She found the difference quite disheartening.[/one_half]

[one_half_last padding=”4px 4px 0 10px”]Zach inherited his grandmother’s quick smile. Even when he was a small child sitting in the front of the grocery cart, anyone who would make eye contact with him would be greeted with the biggest smile he could find. Baby smiles are contagious, you know, and I don’t recall a single instance where his smile wasn’t returned. Twenty-three years later, he’s a lot bigger and doesn’t come close to fitting in the front of a shopping cart, but make eye contact with him and see if that same smile doesn’t flash across his face, even when he’s busy working.

Smiles aren’t just something that happens at the mouth. Smiles take up the whole face, especially the eyes. The look in a person’s eyes when they smile lets one know whether the apparent cheer is sincere. A smile can be evil, after all. I have met a couple of people whose noses changed shape and flattened when they smile, which was interesting to observe. There are also some people who can’t seem to smile without blushing, no matter what might be the circumstances.

Smiling may be the best thing a face does. I think, at least anecdotally, people who smile more are easier to remember. We respond more positively to people who smile when we meet them for the first time. The absence of a smile on a person’s face tends to make us feel uncomfortable and we worry what might be wrong.

It’s Friday the 13th and a lot of people are likely to be needing a smile. Why not help out their face and give them a smile they remember? You’ll improve the world one face at a time.[/one_half_last]

Life Without The Influence of Religion Would Be Happier

Like this:

Sunday Morning Sing-A-Long

Time is important to me because I want to sing long enough to leave a message. I’m used to singing in churches where nobody would dare stop me until the Lord arrives! —Mahalia Jackson

Like this:

Our Obsessive Pursuit Of Happiness Makes Us Sad