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If you make decisions based upon people’s reactions or judgments then you make really boring choices. —Heath Ledger

 

Almost from the moment Facebook opened participation to everyone on the planet, there was a cry for a “dislike” button to counter the “like” button. After all, not everything people post needs to be liked. Let’s say a pet or a family member dies. We’re not really supposed to “like” that, are we? Yet, pleas for an unlike button have gone unheeded.

Yesterday, the world’s largest social media site introduced “reactions,” a group of emojis that gives one a greater range of options when responding to a post. Guess what: we still don’t have a “dislike” button. Instead, we have love, haha, wow, sad, and angry in addition to the overused like. To access the extra emojis, all one has to do is mouse over the like button on a desktop, or press and hold the like button on a mobile device.

Of course, this is going to cause problems, primarily because a) people don’t pay attention to what they’re doing on social media, and b) people are stupid. Put those  two together and relationship disasters are just waiting. Already, the folks at Mashable released a short list of “How to Use Facebook Reactions Without Pissing Everyone Off.” Unfortunately, their list is short, only five items, and that leaves a tremendous amount of room for error.

So, we would like to offer a slightly more complete list of when one should and shouldn’t use each of the new emojis. You may want to bookmark this page for later reference. Things could get dicey.

First, another look at those famous emojis:

When to use “Like”

• When a friend goes to dinner with their spouse
• When a friend has a good day
• When a friend posts a selfie that 147 other people have already liked
• When a friend posts a recipe that looks good but you’ll probably never actually try
• When your boss posts to the company profile praising your work

When NOT to use “Like”

• When a friend goes to dinner with all their friends except you
• When a friend has a bad day
• When a friend posts a selfie with your spouse and you didn’t know they even knew each other
• When your mom posts that one picture from second grade … you know the one.
• When your boss posts that the company is closing and moving to Mexico

When to use “Love”

• When a parent, sibling, child, or significant other posts a significant accomplishment
• When your spouse or significant other posts something gooey and romantic
• Any baby picture
• Any picture of small animals playing
• Pictures of your adult children moving out of the house

When NOT to use “Love”

• Anytime your ex posts anything. ANYTHING. Not appropriate.
• When your neighbor gets fined for playing their stupid music too loud at 1:00 AM
• Any “shared” post that turns out to be a fundraising scam
• When a politician dies, no matter how much you’re tempted
• When that kid on whom your child has a crush moves to another city

When to use “Haha”

• Every time I tell a joke
• When thieves get what they deserve at the scene of the crime
• When someone else’s kids do something unexpectedly hilarious
• Any time cake and face meets
• When your boss posts a cartoon and it’s not about you

When NOT to use “Haha”

• When your ex tells a joke and it’s obviously about you
• When someone gets hurt from doing something really stupid
• When a politician opens their mouth, despite the temptation
• When a friend posts something they think is funny but it’s really in bad taste
• When a rival loses

When to use “Wow”

• When your favorite team wins at the buzzer
• Anytime a new world record is set
• In the event SpaceX actually lands a rocket
• Every time Niel Degrasse Tyson explains the universe
• In the unlikely event a politician actually tells the truth

When NOT to use “Wow”

• When your favorite team loses at the buzzer; not cool
• Anytime weather rears its ugly head and kills people
• Every time a politician says something unbelievably stupid (it gets redundant)
• When someone posts something inappropriately personal
• When a friend posts a 15-paragraph rant

When to use “Sad”

• When someone has a death in the family
• When a friend loses a job
• When a friend gets dumped by someone they really loved
• When someone is in an accident
• Anytime someone posts bad news

When NOT to use “Sad”

• When an ex or former crush gets married
• Anytime something good happens to someone you don’t especially like
• When someone posts a conspiracy theory
• When someone goes all anti-science or denies obvious fact
• When a friend’s mom post their bad picture from second grade

When to use “Angry”

• In the face of obvious injustice
• When someone hurts one of your family members
• Anytime someone gets away with a crime
• When models fail to show up or call
• When friends are treated unfairly

When NOT to use “Angry”

• Just because you’re not getting your way, you spoiled little brat
• Every time someone says something with which you disagree
• Every time a politician opens his/her mouth (again, redundant)
• When someone disses you; take the high road
• When someone tells a joke at your expense and you damn good and well it was funny

There’s going to be some inevitable chaos: Fingers slip and post an unintended reaction, or grandma doesn’t quite understand exactly what the “haha” emoji is. There’s going to be an adjustment period, so we should all be careful to not respond to accidental reactions.

Also, know that when you “love” something, you’re going to see more of it in your newsfeed. Facebook didn’t give you this new tool just to make someone happy.

These new reactions are really a big deal. Use them wisely and carefully, though. The last thing Facebook needs is emoji drama.