Because holidays aren’t fun if you play them straight
There is so much going on in the world today that makes it almost seem wrong to feel happy or even smile. There’s the election results, the possibility of a Russian intrusion into our system, the upside down, nonsensical manner in which cabinet members are being selected, the whining and the crying over Facebook’s take on fake news, and just an incredible amount of stupidity on the part of far too many people.
This has been a rough year, no doubt about it. As a result, I think there’s plenty of room to be a bit snarky about the holidays. If one has any Grinch tendencies, now’s the time to let them all out, get them aired and out of the way and then everyone can go on with their lives. Maybe if we let the snark out a bit, we might actually feel a little better because one of the less joyous emotions about this time of year is everyone is so freakin’ busy with their shopping and gift wrapping that they don’t actually listen to why you’re saying unless you stomp your feet and shout a little bit.
So, we’re going to go full snark for a little bit and just air some of our grievances about the whole holiday season. I’m putting on my green Grinch suit and hooking the little lost dog up to a sled with the demand he pulls me to the nearest Chinese buffet. It’s time we cleared the air about a few things.
What’s the deal?
Why the fuck is everyone taking a full two-week vacation this year? Late night talk show hosts are wishing everyone a Merry Christmas tonight and won’t be back until January 2 or 3. Most network series have already gone on hiatus for the month unless their ratings need the boost from being the only fresh thing still on television. Companies were all having their holiday parties this week so that no one would be left out. There are even some smaller shops in the local area who posted notices they’ll be closed starting the 19th. What the fuck? Since when did everyone get a two-week break?
Of course, this goes along with the typically inconvenient break kids get from school. Back when I was a kid and we walked across mountains that no longer exist, we didn’t get out for winter break until the 22nd or 23rd of December, depending on what day of the week Christmas actually hit. We were still back on January 2, too. School didn’t let out for just any willy-nilly reason because our parents worked, dammit. They didn’t have time to stay home and take care of our rambunctious asses. That’s probably a good thing, too, because I’m pretty sure that if they had we’d have gone back to school missing a few classmates. Our parents took capital punishment seriously.
The last two weeks of the year are always lousy if you want to actually get anything done at work, too. I remember when I was still considered a rookie and was too poor to take any time off work. Trying to get anything done was impossible. Half the people necessary to sign off on anything were gone until the first of the year. We’d have our weekly department meeting and only three out of 27 of us would be there. And good luck trying to find a model this time of year. The agencies would just laugh when we called. I don’t see how companies don’t go bankrupt with no one getting any actual work done.
None of this makes any sense
I would still like to know who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to put the biggest holiday of the year right smack in the middle of the most inhospitable and contrary weather we have. My guess is it was someone down under where they’re having a nice, cozy summer right about now because a holiday in December makes absolutely no freakin’ sense in the Northern hemisphere. I mean, have you looked outside recently? If you live in the Northern United States, all you see is white and cold. Folks in the state of Maine are looking at temperatures this weekend that could reach -40°! No one wants to get out and go shopping in that kind of weather, and I don’t care how much they’re getting paid, the guys at UPS don’t want to be out there delivering your online orders, either. Having a major holiday that involves traveling and being outside for any reason in the middle of winter is just fucking stupid.
Besides, everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25. Let’s just stop perpetuating that stupid little myth.
Which brings us to another major annoyance I happen to have. People get all upset about the “war on Christmas” when Christmas is actually a war on Solstice celebrations. Facts are facts, folks, and there are more than enough documents to support me in this. Early Christians flat out stole the Christmas tree, putting candles or lights on said tree, the concept of gift giving, wrapping paper, and even that whole story about some fat guy in a red suit. Every last one of those ideas was stolen from pagans. There’s absolutely nothing genuinely Christian about Christmas, so stop getting so fucking upset if someone says “Happy Holidays” or if the decorations on your coffee cup aren’t too your liking. There is no fucking war on Christmas. The war is in Syria and they don’t have time for Christmas because all the children are dead now, thank you.
Don’t think you’re any better with Islamic or Jewish traditions either. Our Jewish friends are all about celebrating Hanukkah for eight days. They’ve made a party around some slow-burning oil in the middle of a relatively minor skirmish in the middle of a war they actually lost. Yeah, that really sounds like something to celebrate. Meanwhile, Muslims celebrate the birthday of their prophet on Monday, the 19th, assuming they’re paying attention. You see, they use some strange system where the prophet’s birthday never falls on the same day each year. Last year, it was back in the middle of summer, which makes a helluva lot more sense anyway. And they can’t say his name nor depict his likeness without getting into trouble, which makes greeting cards and singing Happy Birthday a little more than awkward.
Have I insulted enough people yet? No? Okay, I’ll continue.
‘Tis The Season To Be Greedy
I’m not so sure but maybe it’s time to revise the whole Santa Claus story. After all, for far too many people in America, the very concept of a fat white guy entering their house in the middle of the night is not a good omen. Shit’s going to go down and it’s not going to be pretty, elves or not. Maybe if Santa took the form of your kind but lonely uncle who never married and spends most of the holidays quietly drinking eggnog in the corner. I mean, we want him to be a kind and familiar figure, but we don’t want to really get all that close to him.
And what the fuck is up with setting children on his lap? Are we trying to encourage pedophilia or what? Stick with the letter writing. More kids need to learn to write letters, anyway. In today’s digital world, there are far too many kids who have absolutely no freakin’ clue what a stamp and envelope even is. Hell, they see a mail carrier and think they’re just a Fed Ex person who lost their truck. Now that I think about it, why don’t we make Santa Claus more like mail carriers: a nice, friendly, gender-neutral person who delivers packages and maces your dog. That sounds entirely workable to me. The damn dog needs to learn to stop charging the fence.
We need to stop encouraging kids to be so damn greedy, too. Why? Because look what they grow into: people like you and me. People who think the world owes them something just for being nice. You know damn good and well that’s a pile of bullshit. The world doesn’t owe anyone anything, and you’re certainly not going to get presents from someone who doesn’t know you.
Besides, the kids aren’t that good anyway. Have you seen kids today? They talk back to their parents as though they had some right to open their damn little mouths. Kids start bullying each other and calling each other names all the way down in preschool. Why are we rewarding that kind of behavior? Maybe if we actually gave more kids lumps of coal and then made them burn it to keep warm they might appreciate just how nice they have it, living in a structure with a solid roof and someone putting clean clothes on their little bodies every morning.
One last thing: Why is no one capable of writing a decent holiday song anymore? I keep hearing these new Christmas songs and every one of them is a complete piece of crap that no one wants to remember two minutes after it’s over. All the good holiday songs are older than I am: White Christmas, Chestnuts roasting o’er an open fire (The Christmas song), Rudolph, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, and even the ultra-creep Baby, It’s Cold Outside. All of those songs are at least half a century old and we’re getting rather tired of hearing them. Yet, no one seems to be capable of writing a decent holiday song. Grammy awards be damned, if no one remembers your song 12 months later, it was a piece of shit.
Let’s get real: our parents coddled us too much and we grew up into a big bunch of selfish, greedy bastards who deny science and think that electing an utter moron as president is a good idea. That’s right, Trump became president all because our parents were too soft on us during the holidays. This whole freakin’ year is your fault and no one deserves to get a damn thing in their stockings except holes.
There, I think that’s everything. Well, the big things, at least. I’m done snarking up the holidays. Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, though. We still have a couple of days before the first holiday hits. I’d hate to think I missed insulting someone. Everyone benefits from a snowball upside the head occasionally.
Happy fucking holidays.
12/12/16: 5 Things You Need To Know
Brace yourself for one wild week
https://youtu.be/-uKr8dRmTXY
Good morning! Now that you’ve survived the weekend we all get to deal with the fact that not only does the weather for much of the United States absolutely SUCK this week, we’re also less than two weeks from Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanza. Those of you who still have shopping to do might want to consider doing it online because the weather outside is going to be beyond frightful in many places.
It’s still early as we’re looking at the news this morning so all the Monday horribleness has yet to hit. However, we have five things you need to know.
1. Prepare To Pay More At The Pump
We’re going to see some higher gas prices this morning because of an agreement between OPEC and non-OPEC countries to reduce oil output over the next several months1. Saudi Arabia, which has long been a hold out on reducing production, agreed over the weekend that they would pull their levels down below 10 billion barrels per day2. The reduction is not as much nor as long as some OPEC members would have liked, but it’s enough to create a significant jump in prices.
Goldman is saying that this cut is primarily to balance out excess inventory and doesn’t see the production lasting too long. February futures rose to just above $56 a barrel this morning which is a bit scary for those of us on a budget, but that doesn’t mean a return to $3- and $4-dollar a gallon prices. With the rising prices, US oil production could increase quickly, which would send prices back down.
No one is saying yet what effect the higher prices might have on holiday travel. Most people have already made their plans and we all know how upset grandma would be if we didn’t show up. Still, this could be a difficult budget hit for those who don’t have much wiggle room for extra spending.
1. Reuters: “Oil surges after output cuts, strong dollar weighs” By By Saikat Chatterjee Dec 12, 2016, 3:18am EST
2. Reuters: “Goldman says non-OPEC output cut deal aimed at inventory glut“ Dec 12, 2016, 3:15am EST
2. The Grinch Came To Venezuela Early
Actually, the Venezuelan government says it’s playing Santa Clause after seizing nearly four million toys from a warehouse near Caracas1. The government is accusing toymaker Kreisel of hoarding the toys in an effort to create scarcity, driving prices up. Stores throughout Venezuela have complained that the company hasn’t been fulfilling orders and when they did the prices were several times higher than normal.
The government’s official statement says that the toys will be sold at steep discounts. However, William Contreras, Venezuela’s national superintendent for the defense of socioeconomic rights, has promised that “every child will get a toy” for Christmas, so we’ll see exactly how that works out. No word yet from the toy company. All this story needs is a big dog and a bunch of meddling kids and we have a blockbuster movie for the holidays.
1. National Public Radio: “Venezuela Seizes Nearly 4 Million Toys, Saying They’re Overpriced” By Bill Chappell December 11, 20164:23 PM ET
3. Cars Without Drivers Are Coming
If you find yourself driving through Michigan, particularly the Detroit area, don’t be surprised if you look over in the lane next to you and find that no one is driving the car next to you. That reality just became possible last week as the Michigan legislature passed a group of bills allowing autonomous cars to drive on public roads1. The purpose, of course, is to allow Detroit automakers to compete with companies such as Google who have been testing driverless cars in California for some time now.
In fact, this new set of bills, which Michigan Governor Rick Snyder says he’ll sign, give Detroit automakers more freedom and less oversight with their testing than any other state with the possible exception of Florida. California, which has been the leader in autonomous car testing, still requires a human driver as backup, just in case something goes wrong. The Michigan bills don’t require any humans in the car at all. While this is exactly the type of laws automakers have been wanting, the safety issue is probably going to be a sticky one.
Michigan Transportation Director Kirk Steudle says they’re leaving it up to automakers to decide when a car is safe for the road. Uhm, he is aware that GM just recalled another 50,000 vehicles last week2, right? I’m not sure trusting automakers to determine when a car is safe is necessarily the smartest move in the book. This could make driving in Michigan very interesting.
1. Associated Press: “MICHIGAN LETS AUTONOMOUS CARS ON ROADS WITHOUT HUMAN DRIVER” By TOM KRISHER Dec 9, 11:10 AM EST
2. Associated Press: “GENERAL MOTORS TO RECALL NEARLY 50,000 POLICE SUVS” Dec 10, 11:52 AM EST
4. You’re Not Still Using That Samsung Phone, Are You?
We all know Samsung has had some problems with their Note 7 phones doing bad things like blowing up and catching fire. The company issued a recall of all the phones last month and one might think that would put the problem behind them. Apparently not. It would seem there are still a significant number of people who, for whatever reason, did not turn in their phones. That means there are still Note 7 phones out there ready to go boom when one least expects it.
So, Samsung has announced that it is disabling all Note 7 phones in the US with a software update.1 Samsung issued a statement last Friday saying that the mid-December software update will render the phones completely useless. They won’t even charge properly. Danger averted, right?
Not necessarily. Those who bought their phones through Verizon won’t be getting the update. Verizon claims that it doesn’t want to strand customers who don’t have a backup phone. Therefore, it will not be pushing the software update out to its customers.
1. Reuters: “Samsung to disable Note 7 phones in the U.S. via software update” Dec 9, 2016, 1:12pm EST
5. And Finally …
Here’s one for all my photography friends and colleagues out there. Flickr, the photo hosting service owned by Yahoo, has released data for the year showing that camera phones dominated its service once again. Are we surprised? No, not at all. Flickr is a pedestrian service, not one limited to professionals. Therefore, it makes sense that pedestrian cameras would dominate. What we do find surprising, however, is that only two DSLRs, both Canon EOS 5D models, made the top ten and mirrorless cameras account for only three percent of the photos on the site.
I’ll be honest, while the data is certainly interesting, it doesn’t concern me a great deal as a photographer. I don’t use Flickr and haven’t since it sold to Yahoo several years ago. The site was designed for and is dominated by amateurs. That’s not a bad thing, but there is a definite difference between the tools used by Mom and Pop on vacation versus the professional taking your family portrait.
If anything, the report shows how dramatic the divide is between equipment used by professional versus amateur photographers. As the price for professional equipment goes up and the quality of cell phone cameras increases, we’re going to see that divide become more noticeable. This especially applies when discussing mirrorless cameras which are almost totally a tool used by the pros.
1. Flickr blog: “Smartphones Dominate Flickr Uploads in 2016, Apple Leads Device Makers” December 6, 2016
That’s the five things we think you should know for this Monday. We’ll be keeping an eye on things as they develop today and be back with more news first thing in the morning. Now, get out there and make this Monday beg for mercy.
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