domestic violence

Art  /  Natural Light  /  Personal
Listen To The Wind Blow
March 26, 2024

Crackers 1 [2010 with AI background]

The wind woke me up as its intensity increased with the warming of the afternoon. The instant the dogs realized my eyes were open, they wanted to go outside. I looked outside to see if it was raining. Three police cars sat three doors up to our North. I closed the gate and we went outside. The cops stood in front of the house talking to a man in handcuffs. This is one of many houses in the neighborhood with two cars in the driveway and three more on the grass, low-income families trying their best to fit multiple generations into a three-bedroom home, struggling to get by.

Crackers 2 [2010]

After standing next to the tree, too far away to hear much, we came to the assumption that this was most likely a domestic violence situation. A young woman came out of the house crying. An older woman came outside and tried to console her; the effort didn’t appear to be successful. One of the officers came over and gently walked the young woman away from the man in handcuffs. There was no ambulance but that doesn’t mean harm wasn’t done. Of course, I could be wrong, but we know that domestic violence is all too frequent a crime in desperate situations like these. There’s never a positive spin to three policemen outside your home.

Crackers 3 [2010 with AI background]

I called the dogs and we walked back inside to the overwhelming fragrance of ham and beans simmering away in the slow cooker. I immediately felt nauseous. I may not be able to eat but at least the kids will have something I know they like. The police are gone now, which, in a way is rather sad. The cars going through the neighborhood have never been more conscious of their driving. Everyone stopped at the stop sign. Maybe the city should just park a car there for a few days.

Meanwhile, I’m lying back down where I belong.

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Current Issues  /  Personal  /  Social Commentary
Domestic Violence Intervention
June 15, 2016

This is not love. It is a crime, … You can’t look the other way just because you have not experienced domestic violence with your own flesh. — Salma Hayek

 

charles i. letbetter - domestic violence intervention

When Kat witnessed domestic violence taking place, she stepped in to stop it. Not every response was so helpful.

One thing I’ve learned having US Marines in my life is that they are not passive. When they see a situation that requires immediate attention, they act; it’s in their nature, a part of their training that never leaves.

That response kicked in yesterday while Kat was on her way home. Coming up to the intersection at 30th and Kessler, on the West side of Indianapolis, she found a small car sitting a couple of spaces back from the traffic light, not moving. As she watched, she saw the male passenger grab the female driver by the hair, pull her across to his side of the car, and bang her head against the window. That was all she needed to see.

Kat pulled around in front of the car so it could not easily leave and rescued the woman who was being beaten, removing her from the car to a position of safety outside. As they were calling 911 for help, the male passenger moved to the driver’s seat and stole the car, swerving around Kat and speeding away, leaving the woman stranded.

IMPD was there almost immediately, two female officers well equipped to handle the situation. They took statements from both Kat and the victim. As part of standard procedure, the officers warned Kat that what she did was dangerous, that she should have called 911 rather than stopping. We’ve both heard that line before. The risks are real, but the immediate risk to the woman’s life was greater.

But then …

As the officers were sending Kat on her way, one rather wryly made the statement, “Don’t worry, it’s just drugs and prostitution.”

Kat’s anger seethed. She knew better than to confront the officer right there and came on home. Nothing she could say at that particular moment would help the situation. She knew, though, that the woman wasn’t likely to get the help she needed.

Women across the country were outraged last week when a California judge let a former Stanford swimmer get off on a rape charge with only a six-month sentence, of which he’ll only likely serve three months. The story illustrates just how deeply ingrained the rape and abuse cultures have become in our society. Despite numerous ad campaigns attempting to draw attention to the issue, and even mandatory classes on many college campuses addressing date rape and matters of consent, the justice system itself, and even some in law enforcement still holds to the demeaning and outdated concept that someone’s actions, gender, style of dress, state of sobriety, or occupation naturally leaves them open to and even deserving of domestic violence, abuse, and even workplace violence.

Too often, and for too many years, our society has tolerated the lame excuse, “She was asking for it.” I cannot imagine the mind of any intelligent and critically reasoning person ever believing such a horrendous statement. Who asks to be abused? What person asks to have their hair pulled, their body dragged across a car and their head ferociously beaten against a window? In what insane universe could those actions of violence ever be justified?

Look at the numbers

Domestic violence is one of the most serious issues facing our country, but one which very few want to discuss, and even fewer of us are willing to get involved. Take a look at these statistics:

  • Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
  • Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
  • Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
  • Every day in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
  • Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
  • Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
  • The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
  • Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

The rate of incidents is appalling and in a country that is serious about stopping the ever-increasing rate of crimes such as mass shootings we should be looking at those with a history of witnessing or being involved in domestic violence as the primary source. If we want a safer America, we first have to start with safer homes, safer relationships, and a justice system that punishes the perpetrator, not the victim.

A little respect, please

As disappointing as the officer’s statement was yesterday, such a lack of respect is not unusual. Kat listened in on the 911 conversation and found the operator dismissive and condescending, as though she didn’t feel the need to take the crime seriously. Others have reported similar 911 experiences where operators either delayed in sending help, or downplayed the severity of the situation.

Let’s get this straight right now: NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED! Prostitutes are not asking for it. Drug addicts are not asking for it. Drunks are not asking for it. Women who dress in short skirts, high heels, or low-cut dresses are not asking for it. Strippers are not asking for it. Female bartenders are not asking for it. Housewives who burn dinner are not asking for it. Children who are loud and noisy are not asking for it. Homeless people are not asking for it. Mentally or emotionally incapacitated people are not asking for it. Elderly people are not asking for it. Those who disagree with you are not asking for it. Those who challenge a presidential candidate are not asking for it.

NO ONE IS ASKING FOR IT!

The woman Kat helped yesterday was almost certainly involved with some form of controlled substance. That does not exclude her, however, from the protection and respect that every human being deserves! Even if the woman is a prostitute, she still does not deserve to be beaten. She deserves respect, she deserves the same help you would want for your own wife or daughter.

We must end this culture where we think that anyone deserves to be treated with violence of any kind. What people deserve is compassion, sympathy, and love.

One More Thing

Before I end, let me say that we know domestic violence takes many forms and that getting away from that violence is often not easy. If you live in Indiana and need help, there is someone you can call:

800.332.7385

The members of the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence (icdavinc.org) will do their best to help you change your situation and find safety. As always, if you feel your life is in immediate danger, call 911.

What Kat did yesterday involves a high level of risk and is not the type of intervention I recommend for most people. Kat is a highly trained and experienced United States Marine. The action she took may have saved a life. We don’t question the quality of that life or judge the woman in any way. She deserves to live free of violence just as much as you or I. We hope she gets all the help she needs.

And thank you, Kat, for being brave enough to intervene. I love you.

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Advertising
Violent Valentines
February 13, 2016
charles i. letbetter - violent valentines

The human mind is capable of excitement without the application of gross and violent stimulants; and he must have a very faint perception of its beauty and dignity who does not know this.—William Wordsworth

 

charles i. letbetter - violent valentines

Sure, relationships are rocky and arguments happen, but at no point is violence justified

Valentines Day has this bad habit of bringing out all the smarmy, cheesy, lovey-dovey ads about relationships that are too good to be real. Chances are, you started seeing them in mid-January and by now are ready to barf at the first sign of flowers, chocolate, or anything that sparkles. Ads for the holiday really ramp up the emotion in an effort to make you feel guilty if you don’t buy something expensive to show your love. Of course, you know that such a philosophy of love having a monetary value is faulty, but each year we buy into the concept more and more, so the ads just keep coming.

This year, Pandora (the jeweler, not the streaming music service) has a new ad that takes a slightly different approach. The concept is not so much that buying your spouse or significant other jewelry is an act of love as much as it is a plea for forgiveness. The general idea is a good one, given the number of guys who typically find themselves in hot water this time of year over some relationship gaffe.

The ad, directed by Martin Werner, is humorously set to music from Verdi’s opera, La Traviata, specifically the duet, Libiamo ne’lieti calici from the first act. The music is familiar, even to those who don’t know the opera. Giving the tenor reason to show off his vocal prowess is the whole reason for the song in the opera, and his first solo can be translated as follows:

Let’s drink, let’s drink from the joyous chalices
that beauty so truly enhances.
And may the brief moment be inebriated
with voluptuousness.
Let’s drink for the ecstatic feeling
that love arouses.
Because this eye aims straight to the heart, omnipotently.
Let’s drink, my love, and the love among the chalices
will make the kisses warmer.

Don’t be fooled, while love is occasionally mentioned, this is a drinking song, which is why the chorus keeps joyfully joining in from time to time. The song is a lot of fun and a favorite among opera fans.

Pandora uses the song, however, as a way of covering up the arguments taking place in the ads. There are multiple scenarios, but they all come to one joint conclusions: guys infuriate women and need to beg for forgiveness by heaping large amounts of diamonds upon their loved ones. Take a look at the ad and then I’ll continue my comments.

https://youtu.be/PRtt0LNm7CI

Okay, so the ad is a bit tongue in cheek, and the different approach to Valentine’s Day is appreciated. I was fine right up until the moment it gets violent and the women start throwing things. Sure, in the ad none of the objects actually hit their target, but what if they had? Were those situations to take place in real life, the outcome would likely be severe enough that all the diamonds in the world couldn’t fix it.

Here’s the thing: domestic violence is a real problem. General statistics run like this:

  • Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
  • Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
  • Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
  • Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

However, one of the things those statistics hide, and which is often ignored, is that men are more likely to be the victims of violent domestic abuse at the hands of an intimate partner. A national survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Department of Justice shows that over 40% of victims of severe physical violence are men. The study also showed that men are more frequently, “the victim of psychological aggression and control over sexual or reproductive health.”

No matter how lightly it is treated, domestic violence is never funny and cannot be covered up by diamonds or candy or flowers. Depicting women violently throwing vases at men is just as wrong as if it were the other way around. Obviously, no one at Pandora thought of that tragedy. Men who are the victims of violent abuse don’t like to bring it up.

This is a very bad direction for an ad to take. While it’s too late to do anything about this ad now, I do hope the folks at Pandora show better sense in the future..

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