We wish you Merry
in whatever you choose
to celebrate today.
We wish you Merry
however you choose
to celebrate today.
We wish you Merry
wherever you choose
to celebrate today.
We wish you Merry.
All of you.
Christmas
Insanity Unhinged Edition
Unhinged. Completely off my rocker. Probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public, certainly not on my own. I’m out of sync with the universe and I’m feeling pressure to scream. I won’t scream because it would take the kids. The same children who were on their phones at five o’clock in the goddamn morning. Punishment? They have to live with me, isn’t that punishment enough? I’m being silly. Or am I? Frankie is certainly silly, sitting here with a stopped-up nose, trying to clean that one spot on his butt he can’t quite reach, knocking medicine bottles off the desk, sniffing at my coffee, and then making a face accusing me of being the crazy one.
You want to know what’s really crazy? A pickup truck driver ramming into a mall in Texas. Is it a trend or was he simply drunk? We’ll never know because the cops killed him before he had a chance to tell his story. His actions injured five, but killed no one, unlike the similar event in Germany. The German monster has been nuts for a while, was known by police, killed six, and wounded over 200, but he is still alive. US cops are quick to kill people here. They know nothing’s going to happen. Few cops are ever prosecuted for murder. We just assume they stopped something worse from happening. We’re gullible like that.
You know what else is crazy? AI may have claimed its first homicide. Suchir Balaji, the former OpenAI engineer to blew the whistle on possible copyright violations in ChatGPT, was found dead in his San Francisco apartment. He was 26. At the moment, the cops are leaning toward suicide. There’s no note, though. Friends and family say suicide is out of character. What did the AI do? Were there threats being made? Was he being harassed? Did he cross the wrong bot? There’s little question that the problems Balaji raised in October were creating a significant legal hurdle for OpenAI. Who was prompting whom? I don’t think this should be treated as run-of-the-mill suicide.
And then, there’s old-school lunacy, like when the president-elect, who has no real power before January 20, says he may demand that Panama turn over the canal to the US. Mind you, Panama is a sovereign nation. The canals have belonged to Panama since December 31, 1999 thanks to a treaty signed by then-President Jimmy Carter. The treaty allows the US to “protect the neutrality” of the canal, but keep its hands off operations. The incoming president has ZERO legal grounds and even thinking that he can tell Panama to do anything is the same kind of Imperialist thinking that doomed the British Empire, back when that was a thing. Maybe he’ll ask deClerk to bring Apartheid back to South Africa next. I’m sure that would make the Musk family happy. [Fortunately, deClerk is dead. I double-checked to make sure.]
Oh, but there’s so much more crazy to behold this holiday season. Have you heard of Christmas Adam? Yes, this is something invented by illiterate evangelicals because “Adam came before Eve.” I know it sounds like a bad joke, doesn’t it? But it’s a real thing. Apparently, Christmas Adam is celebrated on the 23rd, you know, before Christmas Eve. Yeah, everyone knows that ‘Eve’ is short for evening. They’re just rolling in the ignorance of it all. Some churches are even having special services. While some are saying it’s ‘just a joke,’ not everyone is laughing. There are a large number of people who take Festivus pretty seriously and that’s supposed to be on December 23. Perhaps Festivus celebrants can mention Christmas Adam in their airing of grievances.
Do you know what is making me crazy? Knowing that I might run out of pet food before any new money comes in. Knowing that I have absolutely nothing to give Kat or any of my adult children. Knowing that I’ll spend most of Christmas day (and all the days before and after) at home, alone, again, because of chemo. Not having any of the holiday candies or cookies that permeated my childhood. Listening to what sometimes sounds like voices in the heating vents (there are no voices in the heating vents). Going on week 8 or something of this stupid headache. Not understanding why six animals, including both dogs, are suddenly staring at my window. The lack of coffee on tap. Being hungry but too dizzy to risk cooking breakfast.
I think I’m going to embrace this insanity for a while. There’s no one here to stop me. I’m just here doing stupid shit.
Here we are just ten days before that Xmas ritual of trees and gifts and food and candy. There are places to go, things to buy, and wonder why all of these prices are so high. Worry for some, this year might be their last. Excited for mothers whose due date has passed. Hoping that no one ends up in a cast. The weather is lousy, too warm or too cold. The days are much shorter this year, I am told.
Loss in a family hurts worse at this time. A cyclist was killed in a hit-and-run. 2 people found shot on Indy’s northeast side. Teens killed in a car ride, driving too fast. Their presents are purchased and under the tree. Do you open, return, or just leave them be?
Filipina who won a last-minute reprieve from Indonesian firing squad prepares to fly home. What more can one give a person than life?
There are still drones above New Jersey. No one knows why. Cue 50’s sci-fi music. If they’ve not zapped anyone yet, it’s probably not going to happen.
China has an erotic clothing capital. Who the fuck knew? Will it survive being tariffed?
Conan O’Brien’s parents died three days apart. No one, anywhere, is ready for that level of loss.
Can anyone find the best-fitting jeans?
Did everyone see yesterday’s rain? Facebook removed the link three times because they thought it was spam. There’s no accounting for taste from an AI bot.
Are we crazy? Do we care? We could be typing in our underwear. All of these cats make it difficult to see. I wonder what makes them attracted to me. Medicines fly off the desk with a swat. The light from that lamp was illuminating thought.
More coffee then waffles with sugar-free syrup. Nothing that makes sense rhymes with syrup. Stirrup.
A reminder that color can exist in a black and white world
The joys of children at Christmas lasts, at the most, five minutes; just long enough for them to rip through the wrapping paper, tear open their presents, then start hitting each other with the boxes. After that, you want, nay, need a distraction. This is our gift to you.
As depressing as the world is, and as committed as we are to black-and-white imagery this next year, we felt it important on this holiday to remind our friends that color does still exists. There is still joy in the world, even though it most certainly has gone into hiding. Peace probably exists somewhere, though I’m beginning it learned the secret to interstellar travel before the rest of us. There are good things, here and there.
We chose pictures that had not been processed before. You’ve likely seen other images from these sets, but not these. We also looked for images with a different, perhaps silly expression; something one doesn’t normally see in our standard portraits. I dared to select some on white backgrounds, though I don’t really like white backgrounds for portraits because it does really strange things to the amber channel.
Holidays do strange things to our senses, as well. We lose many of them. We remember those two or three minutes of joy and then choose to completely forget the rest of the chaos so that we can tell everyone that we’ve had a good holiday. The truth is, for most of us, that holidays fall into one of three categories: a stress, a pain, or a bore. Distractions that can take one’s mind off the reality are welcome.
So, here’s your break. Our gift to you. You’re welcome.
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Memories that won’t scare the Dickens out of you
It’s Christmas Eve. The kids and Kat are all in bed. Even the dogs have snuggled down for the night. Only one kitten, the calico, still roams around, chasing some piece of fluff that is invisible to the human eye.  We’ve managed to play it as low-key as possible tonight. Grandpa Bob stopped by for a dinner of ham and dressing, gave the little ones their presents, and watched The Polar Express with them before leaving.
A glass of scotch and a fresh cigar await me. No milk and cookies, thank you. I fear the bump in blood pressure from the cookies more than I do getting cancer from the cigar. The holidays are exhausting and I’m not the one who has to make 28 stops-per-second in order to deliver toys to every child on the planet. The way I figure it, Santa is that alcoholic CEO who barks orders all year and then sobers up just in time to make an impressive showing at the annual stockholders meeting. The elves secretly hate him but he has a face that’s good for business.
Digging back through the archives, again, I came across a couple of photos I didn’t know I still had. They’ve not been seen in almost ten years. I found some others I’d intentionally been ignoring. Between batches of cookies and an absolutely dreadful last-minute dash to the grocery store, a trip that might have cost me my life were Kat not so incredibly calm in a crowd, I managed to edit the set, or re-edit in some cases. They’re not new photos by any means. They’re ghosts of photos past, reminding us of people who were once in our lives with great frequency. As Scrooge missed the merriment of his youth, so we miss the friendships represented in these photos.
Damn it, the little dog just barked at that fat Kringle fellow. I had to ask him (Kringle) to make another loop around the state while I put the fuzzy little beast back in bed. I hope the kids don’t stir. I don’t have the energy to hide the presents. One has to be careful about where they store coal.
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Because you love us all so much
The holidays are the happiest time of year, are they not? And I just know you can’t wait to share all your happiness and generosity with your favorite photographer. After all, if you had pictures taken any time this year and paid less than $3,000 for the set, then you owe him/her. I mean, my father paid $300 for a single black/white head shot in 1968. What we’ve done for you is probably a bit more complicated. Not that we really care about that sort of thing. We’re only in the business for the art of it all. Eating is totally optional.
Now, I know you must think that we’d all like a new camera, but we don’t necessarily look for you to go with the big bucks. After all, your families should come first. Although, if you think of us like family then, by all means, feel free to respond accordingly. Â Still, there are plenty of things you could get or do for your photographer that would make them very happy this holiday season. We’ll break them down into three easy-to-remember categories and then you can do what you find appropriate from there.
Big Ticket Items
Okay, so no self-respecting photographer is going to ask you to buy them a new camera for the holidays. Still, some of you have taken advantage of a generous soul and gotten pictures for free. Some of you have been doing this for years and yet, when the holidays roll around, what have you done for your photographer? So, here are some big ticket things you can get that will make them happy.
New Glass. Â Now, be careful. Not all lenses are created equal and chances are your photographer is pretty picky about the kind they use. Also, not every lens fits every camera. In fact, lenses have to specifically match the brand and type camera your photographer is using. Still, if you have an extra $1,500 or so you’re not using, I’m sure there’s something they wouldn’t mind adding to their collection. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Pack Gear. Carting expensive gear all over the place can be scary. I wince every time I see a camera sitting in the seat of someone’s car with no protection. If you’ve observed your photographer handling their camera in this manner, then getting them some kind of pack or case is something they would almost certainly appreciate. There are several different kinds. My preference for every-day use is an over-the-shoulder bag that allows me to pull my camera out quickly and start shooting. Others prefer backpack styles and hard cases are a must for the photographer who has to fly frequently. This doesn’t have to be a high-dollar buy, but the more padding and flexibility a pack has the better and, sadly, more expensive.
Light Modifiers. Please don’t consider this option unless you know your photographer fairly well and can get the make and model of his lighting gear without being obvious. Many photographers, especially those with smaller operations, are limited in the number of modifiers they can afford. The more modifiers they have, though, the more creative they can be with your photographs. Prices range from a couple hundred dollars to a couple thousand. Budget accordingly and, by all means, be careful.
Small Ticket Items
Okay, so you don’t have a couple of thousand dollars to dump on your favorite photographer. That’s okay, we still love you and promise you’re our favorite clients ever.  You don’t have to spend all that much to make us happy-er. There are a number of things that would make almost any photographer happy to see under their make-shift tree that sits forlornly in the corner of their tiny little apartment.
Camera straps. Think the broad kind. If your photographer is still using that crappy little strap that came with the camera, they need help. Those little straps are practically worthless in a pinch. I’ve been using the same strap for the past 25 years and even though it’s extremely tattered at this point, I know it could still hold my weight if I need it. Embossed leather is a nice touch, or artisanally woven is colorful if your photographer is vegan. Even the best straps are under $200 this time of year, so you should be able to find something that would fit your budget.
Lens Wraps. As simple as these cloths are, they can really do a let to protect lenses, especially if you happen to live in a climate particularly prone to dust and/or sand. They also come in handy if your photographer travels a great deal. Lenses often get jostled around quite a bit during transport and even if the photographer has a good case having a lens wrapped is great protection. This is a perfect gift for the cash-strapped person as most start around $20.
Tripods. Even if your photographer already has a tripod or two, they can never have too many. There are a variety of sizes and kinds appropriate for different shooting situations. Best yet, some table-top varieties cost as little as $20, so it won’t break your budget. Consider what your photographer already has and help them complete their collection.
Won’t Cost You A Dime
Okay, I get it, money’s tight this year for a lot of people. That’s why you asked if we could discount our already-discounted prices. That doesn’t mean we don’t still love you, though, and anything, absolutely anything you want to do for us is still very much appreciated. You don’t have to spend any money to help us out with some of these gifts.
Referrals. I don’t know of any photographer who couldn’t use some extra business this next year. Even if we looked busy this past year, that doesn’t mean we don’t have openings going into 2017. Of course, we’ll be much more appreciative if they’re referrals that pay full price, but we’re honestly thankful for all the business we get. Thank you in advance.
Credit us when you post photos. Chances are we mentioned this when we first took your pictures but we know how easy it is to forget when you’re in the heat of a picture-posting frenzy. We’re not as likely to be upset if the pictures are over two years old and you’re just posting them for memories’ sake, but the new stuff? Yes, please, by all means. We will be most appreciative.
Food & drink. How well do you know your photographer? Almost all of us have a sweet tooth and more than a few of us enjoy an alcoholic beverage here and there. Okay, so this might cost you a little bit. Still, I know very little makes me happier than a tin of homemade fudge or sugar cookies. Granted, they won’t last very long, but for those few moments, we’ll be thinking nice thoughts of you.
By the way, please be considerate when giving a gift to your photographer to make sure you are sufficiently respecting their religious beliefs. Fortunately, both the first day of Hanukkah and Christmas are on the same day this year. If your photographer is Muslim, however, you don’t have as much time as the prophet’s birthday is this Monday, the 19th. Of course, several of us celebrate Festivus and the Solstice and Kwanzaa as well. It’s not going to hurt you to ask which holidays we celebrate, though, because some come with limits on what is acceptable. Me, personally, I’m good with anything at any time. Especially if you’re bringing alcohol. Scotch, please.
Look around. There are a lot of people in your life who provide services for you at or below costs. You know who they are. Show them all some appreciation, even if it’s only a handful of cookies. Your gestures of kindness really are appreciated.
Because holidays aren’t fun if you play them straight
There is so much going on in the world today that makes it almost seem wrong to feel happy or even smile. There’s the election results, the possibility of a Russian intrusion into our system, the upside down, nonsensical manner in which cabinet members are being selected, the whining and the crying over Facebook’s take on fake news, and just an incredible amount of stupidity on the part of far too many people.
This has been a rough year, no doubt about it. As a result, I think there’s plenty of room to be a bit snarky about the holidays. If one has any Grinch tendencies, now’s the time to let them all out, get them aired and out of the way and then everyone can go on with their lives. Maybe if we let the snark out a bit, we might actually feel a little better because one of the less joyous emotions about this time of year is everyone is so freakin’ busy with their shopping and gift wrapping that they don’t actually listen to why you’re saying unless you stomp your feet and shout a little bit.
So, we’re going to go full snark for a little bit and just air some of our grievances about the whole holiday season. I’m putting on my green Grinch suit and hooking the little lost dog up to a sled with the demand he pulls me to the nearest Chinese buffet. It’s time we cleared the air about a few things.
What’s the deal?
Why the fuck is everyone taking a full two-week vacation this year? Late night talk show hosts are wishing everyone a Merry Christmas tonight and won’t be back until January 2 or 3. Most network series have already gone on hiatus for the month unless their ratings need the boost from being the only fresh thing still on television. Companies were all having their holiday parties this week so that no one would be left out. There are even some smaller shops in the local area who posted notices they’ll be closed starting the 19th. What the fuck? Since when did everyone get a two-week break?
Of course, this goes along with the typically inconvenient break kids get from school. Back when I was a kid and we walked across mountains that no longer exist, we didn’t get out for winter break until the 22nd or 23rd of December, depending on what day of the week Christmas actually hit. We were still back on January 2, too. School didn’t let out for just any willy-nilly reason because our parents worked, dammit. They didn’t have time to stay home and take care of our rambunctious asses. Â That’s probably a good thing, too, because I’m pretty sure that if they had we’d have gone back to school missing a few classmates. Our parents took capital punishment seriously.
The last two weeks of the year are always lousy if you want to actually get anything done at work, too. I remember when I was still considered a rookie and was too poor to take any time off work. Trying to get anything done was impossible. Half the people necessary to sign off on anything were gone until the first of the year. We’d have our weekly department meeting and only three out of 27 of us would be there. And good luck trying to find a model this time of year. The agencies would just laugh when we called. I don’t see how companies don’t go bankrupt with no one getting any actual work done.
None of this makes any sense
I would still like to know who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to put the biggest holiday of the year right smack in the middle of the most inhospitable and contrary weather we have. My guess is it was someone down under where they’re having a nice, cozy summer right about now because a holiday in December makes absolutely no freakin’ sense in the Northern hemisphere. I mean, have you looked outside recently? If you live in the Northern United States, all you see is white and cold. Folks in the state of Maine are looking at temperatures this weekend that could reach -40°! No one wants to get out and go shopping in that kind of weather, and I don’t care how much they’re getting paid, the guys at UPS don’t want to be out there delivering your online orders, either. Having a major holiday that involves traveling and being outside for any reason in the middle of winter is just fucking stupid.
Besides, everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25. Let’s just stop perpetuating that stupid little myth.
Which brings us to another major annoyance I happen to have. People get all upset about the “war on Christmas” when Christmas is actually a war on Solstice celebrations. Facts are facts, folks, and there are more than enough documents to support me in this. Early Christians flat out stole the Christmas tree, putting candles or lights on said tree, the concept of gift giving, wrapping paper, and even that whole story about some fat guy in a red suit. Every last one of those ideas was stolen from pagans. There’s absolutely nothing genuinely Christian about Christmas, so stop getting so fucking upset if someone says “Happy Holidays” or if the decorations on your coffee cup aren’t too your liking. There is no fucking war on Christmas. The war is in Syria and they don’t have time for Christmas because all the children are dead now, thank you.
Don’t think you’re any better with Islamic or Jewish traditions either. Our Jewish friends are all about celebrating Hanukkah for eight days. They’ve made a party around some slow-burning oil in the middle of a relatively minor skirmish in the middle of a war they actually lost. Yeah, that really sounds like something to celebrate.  Meanwhile, Muslims celebrate the birthday of their prophet on Monday, the 19th, assuming they’re paying attention. You see, they use some strange system where the prophet’s birthday never falls on the same day each year. Last year, it was back in the middle of summer, which makes a helluva lot more sense anyway. And they can’t say his name nor depict his likeness without getting into trouble, which makes greeting cards and singing Happy Birthday a little more than awkward.
Have I insulted enough people yet? No? Okay, I’ll continue.
‘Tis The Season To Be Greedy
I’m not so sure but maybe it’s time to revise the whole Santa Claus story. After all, for far too many people in America, the very concept of a fat white guy entering their house in the middle of the night is not a good omen. Shit’s going to go down and it’s not going to be pretty, elves or not. Maybe if Santa took the form of your kind but lonely uncle who never married and spends most of the holidays quietly drinking eggnog in the corner. I mean, we want him to be a kind and familiar figure, but we don’t want to really get all that close to him.
And what the fuck is up with setting children on his lap? Are we trying to encourage pedophilia or what? Stick with the letter writing. More kids need to learn to write letters, anyway. In today’s digital world, there are far too many kids who have absolutely no freakin’ clue what a stamp and envelope even is. Hell, they see a mail carrier and think they’re just a Fed Ex person who lost their truck. Now that I think about it, why don’t we make Santa Claus more like mail carriers: a nice, friendly, gender-neutral person who delivers packages and maces your dog. That sounds entirely workable to me. The damn dog needs to learn to stop charging the fence.
We need to stop encouraging kids to be so damn greedy, too. Why? Because look what they grow into: people like you and me. People who think the world owes them something just for being nice. You know damn good and well that’s a pile of bullshit. The world doesn’t owe anyone anything, and you’re certainly not going to get presents from someone who doesn’t know you.
Besides, the kids aren’t that good anyway. Have you seen kids today? They talk back to their parents as though they had some right to open their damn little mouths. Kids start bullying each other and calling each other names all the way down in preschool. Why are we rewarding that kind of behavior? Maybe if we actually gave more kids lumps of coal and then made them burn it to keep warm they might appreciate just how nice they have it, living in a structure with a solid roof and someone putting clean clothes on their little bodies every morning.
One last thing: Why is no one capable of writing a decent holiday song anymore? I keep hearing these new Christmas songs and every one of them is a complete piece of crap that no one wants to remember two minutes after it’s over. All the good holiday songs are older than I am: White Christmas, Chestnuts roasting o’er an open fire (The Christmas song), Rudolph, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, and even the ultra-creep Baby, It’s Cold Outside. All of those songs are at least half a century old and we’re getting rather tired of hearing them. Yet, no one seems to be capable of writing a decent holiday song. Grammy awards be damned, if no one remembers your song 12 months later, it was a piece of shit.
Let’s get real: our parents coddled us too much and we grew up into a big bunch of selfish, greedy bastards who deny science and think that electing an utter moron as president is a good idea. That’s right, Trump became president all because our parents were too soft on us during the holidays. This whole freakin’ year is your fault and no one deserves to get a damn thing in their stockings except holes.
There, I think that’s everything. Well, the big things, at least. I’m done snarking up the holidays. Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, though. We still have a couple of days before the first holiday hits. I’d hate to think I missed insulting someone. Everyone benefits from a snowball upside the head occasionally.
Happy fucking holidays.