And more rain. It rained off and on throughout the day before mixing with sleet and snow toward the evening. Walking across the yard feels like walking on a sponge. Most of the day was spent in bed and even when I did manage to force myself to stay up I felt miserable. I couldn’t sleep most of the time; I just curled up in a ball under the covers. This is a horrible existence that feels like it will never end.
Finding things that I can eat is becoming more difficult. Yesterday, there were sufficient leftovers from Tuesday, which were leftovers from Monday. Today will be more challenging. There’s still no milk, margarine, or bread. I may have one full pot of coffee left. There’s nothing simple to make for breakfast or lunch and those are the meals when I am at my weakest. Standing at the stove and cooking is rarely an option. Don’t get me wrong, there is food in the house, but either it contains too much sugar, too much salt, or takes too long to prepare. Having to thaw an entire two or three-pound package of meat just for lunch is impractical.
I miss doing lunch. I miss a really good cheeseburger and fries. I miss a perfect cheesesteak with the onions grilled just right. I miss baked potatoes with everything on them. I miss fried chicken with mashed potatoes and greens. I miss barbecued beef tips. I miss hashbrowns, scattered, covered, smothered, and topped. I miss the Chinese buffet that has actual Asian people in the kitchen. I miss pet-friendly breweries with all the dogs coming in to say hi. I miss Chicago-style pizza. I miss Italian food served family style. I miss real food that didn’t have to be modified with sugar substitutes or no salt or no fat or low carb or fake milk. I miss sitting around a table laughing with friends.
Looking over that list, it feels almost as though I’m missing some of the best parts of life. I mean, what’s really left at this point? I’m having difficulty making sense of any of it. I’m going through all this suffering but there’s no promise that I’ll ever get back any of the joys I’ve lost. What’s the point of living if there’s no life left? Please, help me make sense of it all.
Kat went and visited her niece yesterday, the one I’ve not seen since she was brand new. She’s toddling now, jabbering, and reading books. She has hair and a delightful personality. She’s at an incredibly fun age, but I can’t be there. The risks for the baby are too high.
Three of the kids of birthdays this month: Ben, Tipper, and Big Gabe. I can’t travel to see Ben or Gabe. Tipper’s having a girls-only lunch on her birthday. We’re supposed to have a family dinner a week later, but there’s no way to know if I’ll physically be able to attend. If it were held today, the answer would be no.
Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo. It’s been over a year now and nothing feels like it’s getting any better. Nothing.
![The Travesty of Morning [2010]](https://i0.wp.com/www.charlesiletbetter.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/AprilMorning_02-scaled.jpg?resize=1707%2C2560&ssl=1)
Morning Update: 03/16/24
Everyone slept. Both kids came in from school, went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until late. No one had dinner. No one did chores. They just slept. I’m not complaining. I had a 16+ hour sleeping day myself. I can’t explain why yesterday was more tiresome than others, but we were all caught by the plague and I’m not hearing anyone complain about it this morning. Will that translate to increased activity today? That’s doubtful, but we’ll see. Tipper is motivated to finish up her costume for ComicCon next weekend, so that may keep her awake for a while. G, though, is still dragging a bit this morning.
I’m still kinda bummed that we don’t have corned beef to cook for tomorrow. The prices are too high. We can’t get a small amount, either. The kids plow through a three-pound slab without raising their heads. Meat, in general, has gotten too expensive for modest budgets. We have plenty of beans if I remember to put them on to soak the night before, but again, there’s that problem of falling asleep and not waking up in time.
One of my former babysitters (understand, she babysat me and my brother) posted last night that she was making cinnamon rolls from scratch and I swear I can smell them coming out of the oven. Of course, 500 miles is too great a distance to even think about having her send me a pan. Plenty of bakeries make cinnamon rolls, but there’s nothing like the texture, flavor, and smell of those fresh out of someone’s home oven. Do I need them? No, of course not. They sure would make me feel good while I was eating them, though.
Food is a critical element for anyone, but the combination of chemo and diabetes makes it a critical matter. Not eating isn’t an option and could potentially have deadly results. Eating comfort food, like cinnamon rolls, doesn’t help my sugar intake. I have to eat something when taking the chemo, but if it’s too heavy I get indigestion. In fact, eating too much blocks the effects of the chemo, so that’s not a helpful path. Trying to keep everything in balance is a daily challenge. We know lean meats and veggies are best, but for breakfast? Who wants green beans for breakfast?
The State of Indiana is getting its Happy Hour back. 40 years ago, the state banned the practice of Happy Hour at bars and restaurants out of concern that it encouraged people to over-consume alcohol within a short period of time, leading to more drunk driving. As of July 1, it’s back. The state legislature passed the bill earlier this year and Gov. Holcomb signed it yesterday at one of the city’s oldest bars.
Here’s the catch: Happy Hour cannot extend beyond 9:00 PM. That sets the stage for a number of hypothetical situations. One would be that people might be encouraged to get their drunk on earlier, releasing them into the wild during rush hour. Another might be that bars that offer Happy Hour could see a significant downturn in business after 9:00 PM. A third possibility is that it could bring back the after-hours office drinking that was once a regular part of any business.
Are those concerns still applicable, though? With so much work being done remotely, there aren’t as many people in offices who want to get together after work. They have children and pets to get home to. They have errands to try and run. And younger employees simply aren’t interested.
Bars and restaurants are still not the late-night draw that they were before COVID. Kat came out of a performance venue last night to nearly empty streets in one of the most fashionable areas of town. Bars struggle to pull people in late because young people especially are interested in things other than drinking until they puke. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a party here or there, but ask almost any bar owner and they’ll tell you that they’re struggling to attract and keep people very late, especially during the week.
As for the drunk driving concerns, rates of drunk driving fatalities have been steadily on the downturn since 1985. Sure, even one death is devastating, but once again, that 21-35-year-old demographic that was previously responsible for so many tragedies is more responsible for their drinking than their parents’ generation.
The proof is in the pudding and it seems natural that there could be an uptick in public drunkenness and drunk driving during the latter part of the summer. But overall, I don’t think there’s much danger of returning to the levels that existed all the way back when I was in college. We were the generation that defined rowdy drunken parties. I’m hopeful our children learned to not make the same mistakes.
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