Morning Update: 04/28/24

Morning Update: 04/28/24

April 28, 2024

The phone just dinged with an interesting alert: I used my phone one hour and one minute less this week than the week before. That seems odd since I had to use it quite a bit during Thursday’s adventures. But then, outside of Thursday, there hasn’t been much going on except watching wildflowers and clover growing in the yard. The news is frustratingly redundant: war, protests, courtroom tactics, political crimes. After you’ve read it the first time, you don’t need to go back, do you?

I also think I need to share less about how I’m feeling. The things I say can too easily be used against me. And based on the site’s stats, people are much more interested in the pictures, anyway. So, I’ll just be quiet about things that only matter to me.

The latest update to AI on Photoshop screwed up. Everything added via an AI prompt is blown out, often to the point of being unrecoverable. The results have been nowhere near as colorful and interesting. Finer details such as drop shadows from added elements are missing completely. There are other options, but they take a lot more time.

Warmer weather means more time outside with the dogs. I think we spent close to three hours outside yesterday. They had fun barking at everything that moved. I’m damn sure going to miss them when I leave.

That’s assuming I can find a place at all. I’ve been nothing but frustrated. Social Security isn’t enough to cover rent, bills, or food. I’m increasingly getting the feeling that the universe wants me to disappear simply.

Here’s a picture of clover before we mow this morning.

Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/27/24

April 27, 2024

Feeling Flirty [2021 original with AI background]

The cats are fussing with each other and keeping Kat from sleeping. This isn’t going to be a good day. I forgot to turn off my alarm, so the dogs demanded to go out the instant it went off. This isn’t going to be a good day. Rain went through early this morning, just enough to make me miserable. This isn’t going to be a good day. However, the twins are over here being cute and Tipper has already popped into the room to say hi. Maybe I’ll make pancakes.

The bright point of yesterday was G going on a “field trip” to Purdue. I put “field trip” in quotations because, yeah, that’s how his school had to classify the trip in order to use school transportation. But let’s be honest, this was a recruiting trip, no two ways about it. They visited the dorms. They ate in the cafeteria (which thrilled G). They visited the School of Business (I’m a little surprised it wasn’t engineering). He gained some new perspectives and has a lot of ideas. I kinda wish I could have gone with them, but this was a trip he needed to make independent of parental influence.

Other than that, we spent a lot of time in bed yesterday and are likely to do the same today. The pain reaches up into my cerebral cortex and is probably at least partially responsible for the low level of patience I’m feeling with things I cannot control. Not that I would change my opinion, mind you. I still support the pro-Palestinian protests because we have to find a two-state solution and without the protests, Israel will steamroll over millions of innocent people. Earlier this morning a report came from Rafa that an infant girl had died from the extreme heat. These protests aren’t antisemitic, but a demand for a humanitarian solution. Israel would like to wipe out the Palestinians completely. We can’t let that happen any more than we would tolerate the opposite.

I’m also more than a little pissed that the Republican National Committee is tying up courts in all fifty states (yes, Ms. Trump, there are only 50, not 80 as you claimed earlier this week). The RNC’s main goal here is to keep as many people from voting as possible. Let me make this clear: REPUBLICANS DO NOT WANT YOU TO VOTE. They know they can’t win a legitimate election. Their claims are baseless and void of evidence, but they will put every election into question. This is not democracy and they need to be punished severely for attempting to overthrow the government in this way.

Anger and pain are not a good mix. One fuels the other and I can’t be sure my reasoning is accurate.

No progress was made in finding a new place to live. So help me, property managers are the bain of my existence at the moment. They’re misusing technology in an attempt to avoid direct contact. Why the fuck do you need to know the name of my cats? Maybe I want to rename them Homer and Aristotle. How would that make any difference as to how they’ll behave in an apartment? Talk to me directly and I’ll tell you what I need. Don’t send me another fucking form to fill out.

Maybe I’ll re-process some more pictures of pretty people. Get used to that as it’s all I have left now.

Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / Status

Morning Update: 04/26/24

April 26, 2024

Wild Dreams of a Smashed-face Wheezer Kitty [2024]

Fail. That’s the only way to describe yesterday’s attempt to look at rental properties. I looked at one that could have been workable were it not for a handful of issues that, particularly for me, made it a non-starter. The first would be location. I wasn’t expecting much, but it was worse than I’d imagined. I should have known when the bus driver waited, watched me cross the street, and started walking before continuing his route. I assume that he was considering if I knew where I was. Interestingly, the two blocks just south of 37th Street, especially along Park, are very nice, with million-dollar homes set high and off the street. You wouldn’t think that there’s a crime problem in the area at all. But finding three almost-identical apartment buildings that, from the outside, appear to be barely standing, surrounded by deserted and burned-out buildings at an intersection with a long history of crime was more unnerving than I expected. The distance between 37th Street and 38th, a major through street, is less than 50 yards. The noise level, just normal traffic for 38th Street, couldn’t be sufficiently muted by the buildings.

The wood floors and terrific natural light were wonderful. I might have applied based on that element alone. But neither the bathroom nor the kitchen were functional. They were both too narrow to be workable. ZERO counter space. Apartment-sized appliances, which are more expensive than standard appliances, would have to be purchased and even then one would have to step sideways to get through the kitchen.

Then came the matter of the cats. The ad very clearly states that pets are welcome and doesn’t list any fees. Guess again. A statement from the property management company revealed that each cat would have to be evaluated separately. A background check would be done on both of them before they would be approved, and then there would be a fee assigned for each animal. WHAT THE LIVING FUCK? I’ll ask both the twins, but I’m pretty sure neither of them has a police record, despite the fact that Solaris is guilty of stealing food directly off our plates. And yeah, in the right like I guess Frankie (pictured above) kinda looks like an evil mob boss, but he sleeps 98% of the day. How could he have time to get in trouble? And who the fuck is running these background checks?An outfit called PetScreening.com. The concept is that not all “bully breeds” are bad and deserve a chance. Okay, fine. What CATS are bully breeds? Who the fuck is keeping ANY records on cats other than their veterinarians? Aren’t animals entitled to doctor/patient confidentiality? The whole thing is a money-making scam that gives property managers an additional way to make revenue during the application process.

At the end of the day, with all the fees and having to purchase appliances, it would cost me in excess of $2,000 to move into this rat-hole of an apartment. And with the differences between the ad and the reality, I have to assume that the property managers are not to be trusted. Pet screening? Really? Anyone who would try to push that bullshit past you will also try to raise your rent mid-contract. So, nope. Not considering this property or any other managed by Wilmoth Group. I checked after the fact and Wilmoth Group isn’t even rated, at all, by PropertyManagement.com. I should have checked before responding to the ad. That’s on me.

I took the Red Line back to the Transit Center and walked from there to the salon. Along the way, under the shade of a 12-foot pine on a carefully manicured piece of right-of-way, a homeless woman was sleeping under a light blanket. The shade was dark enough that I almost didn’t see her, which I’m sure was what made the spot attractive. She didn’t appear to be very old. She obviously wasn’t in a very safe place. My heart sank.

By the time I made it to the salon, my body was done. I was shaking, stumbling, and having issues with the bumps in the sidewalk even with my cane. Kat got me something to eat and brought me home. That was the end of my day. I went to bed except for making cheese fries that no one ate. I was nauseous. My head was pounding. I was dizzy and partially incoherent. I can’t keep doing this. I have to find another way to search.

I don’t expect much to happen today. I’m still exhausted and my head is spinning even as I type. I feel safe being right next to the bed, carefully guarded by the pups and the twins. It saddens me that I can’t take the pups with me. They need a fenced yard, though. There’s no way my grip is strong enough to safely take them out on a leash. They have no clue that any change is coming.

There are thoughts on other issues as well, but my head will have to put pieces together better than it currently is for me to verbalize those.

There has to be a better way to live.

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Morning Update: 04/25/24

April 25, 2024

There is a lot to unpack this morning and I have to put it all in one post because I’m going to be gone most of the day. First, the good news, G was NOT one of those on the IndyGo bus that caught fire yesterday morning. He was in transit on his way to school at this time, but the bus involved was on a different route. I think what is most disturbing is that this fire was set intentionally. Who the fuck sets fire to a bus? The suspect is behind bars, but I’m willing to bet that there is some form of mental illness involved because Indy doesn’t know what the fuck to do with its mentally ill citizens.

I’m up early this morning, having woken at 3:30 stressing over this whole housing issue. G picked me up a bus pass for today so that I can go look at a couple of places, but they are both right at $600 a month which is $200 a month more than I should be spending. Neither of them looks like much from the outside. Here’s a picture of the first one I’m looking at. It’s a multi-unit dwelling and I’m looking at a one-bedroom apartment on the ground floor:

The crumbling front porch is just the first of my concerns. There are no signs that the facility has air conditioning. Perhaps when this house was built, 60 or so years ago, AC wasn’t that big of an issue for homes this far North. Summers were moderate and tolerable. However, that is no longer the case as 100+ degree days are not unheard of and multiple days over 95 have become common. Normally, this would not be even a remote consideration. Its location is but a block south of where yesterday’s bus fire occurred. This is a high-crime neighborhood where one can be sitting in their home minding their own business and still become a victim. Sure, there are some fast food places within walking distance, but one would need to risk getting outside and walking to them without getting mugged.

And this is one of the better choices I’ve found.

One of this morning’s headlines is “Many older adults think they will never retire and worry about making ends meet, study finds.” 1 in 4 older Americans are worried they’ll have to work their entire lives. That’s assuming that they’ll be healthy enough to work. If you’re like me and not healthy enough to work, then you’re just screwed. Go ahead and throw us out with the trash. The GOP has gutted Social Security and other safety net programs to the point that none of them are sufficient for one to live even the most meager of lives, and if you believe the Democrats who say they feel differently, you’re a fool. They don’t. At least, their actions don’t prove it. Homelessness is a nation-wide problem. Rents are completely out of control, and if you can find a place that works with your budget, chances are high that, like the facility above, it’s dilapidated and run-down. We’re being told that we’re not worth saving, not worth helping, and not worth any consideration. You damn sure don’t want us on your streets, in your stores, eating at your restaurants; the prices tell us that much. We’re shut out of healthcare, and forced to rely on municipal transportation that is uncomfortable, unpredictable, and especially inconvenient in bad weather. Sure, we raised you, taught you, took your pictures for free, but now, no one wants us. No one can afford to have us around.

Four years ago, when I was first diagnosed with CLL, I was told that it was a cancer that one dies with, not from. Now, here I am, one of the exceptions, taking chemo medication that costs $20,000 a month, unable to stay upright more than three or four hours at a time, frequently incoherent and confused, and less than stable on my feet. Today, I get to test all these conditions as I get on a bus to go look at a rental I really don’t want in a neighborhood I absolutely don’t trust, just to try and stay alive. One of the things that causes CLL to flare up is stress. “Avoid stress,” I’m told. How the fuck am I supposed to do that when I have to find a new place to live before construction starts around here? Kat says she wants me to be somewhere safe, but I can’t afford safe! At a minimum, safe is going to cost in excess of $1500, and that’s without utilities, food, and other bills paid.

I worry about who’s going to take my place here. Who’s going to make sure the kids do their chores? Who’s going to shut the gate and take the dogs out long enough for them to actually get some exercise? Who’s going to monitor how much food the cats are getting so they don’t overstuff themselves? Who’s going to spend the $600 a month I spend on groceries and pet food? I can’t take the dogs with me because they need a fenced yard and no one has a fenced yard.

And this is why I was awake at 3:00 this morning. How is this going to work? The kids will be up soon. I can’t take a shower until after they leave, I have to be on the bus at 8:37, and I’ll be gone until late in the afternoon. What happens when my body says it doesn’t want to move anymore? What happens if I fall and don’t know where I am? What if I forget to get off the bus? I need help but there’s no help available. Those who care don’t have the time. Those with the time don’t care. I have to get this done today because there’s too high of a chance of rain to risk scheduling anything until next Tuesday.

I don’t know what else to do but drink plenty of coffee, take my meds, and silently scream into the void that is my brain.

Current Issues / FX / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/24/24

April 24, 2024

The Perfect Party Dress [2024 with AI Background]

Before you ask, no she’s not smoking, and those are giraffe spots she colored onto her arm. Her Grandpa asked what she wanted for her birthday and it arrived yesterday. She’s beyond excited and plans to wear it to some luncheon at school. This is the reality going on inside my daughter’s head. There’s not a damn thing anyone can do to control it. They would be fools to try. She is unique and chooses to express herself through what she wears. Anyone having a problem with that needs to talk to me.

The rain kept me in a very blase mood yesterday. I had enough to write another post, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I did look at some apartments and made arrangements to look at a couple of them tomorrow, but they both expect one to make 3X the rent, which is absolutely laughable. Everything else about them is workable, but Social Security controls what I make. I don’t get any say in the matter.

The Senate passed the ban on TikTok last night, so now it will be interesting to see if the President puts an imaginary danger in front of free speech. Let me repeat: there is ZERO evidence that the owners of TikTok have any method for transferring user details to the Chinese government. And who the fuck is posting such information on TikTok in the first place? Actually, I could ask who in their right mind is posting on TikTok at all. However, I know a number of brands are deeply invested in the platform as part of their marketing plan. This is going to be another matter that drags its way through the courts, taking up time over an issue that has no viable evidence behind it.

The Senate also passed the funding bill for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan. The wars will go on because the US just doesn’t know how to exist anymore without being in the middle of someone else’s war. We’ve been this way since the end of WWII. Our government saw how war is an economic boon and decided to make it part of our existence. We went from Germany to Korea to Vietnam to the Persian Gulf to Iraq to Afghanistan to Ukraine, and now Israel and Iran. None of it makes any sense. We now do incredible amounts of business with Germany, Korea, and Vietnam. The mission for the latter two was never achieved. Communists are still in power. In fact, one could argue that the Korean situation is worse now than it was in 1954. But hey, it makes money, so you can bet our government is going to make sure peace never actually arrives.

In another round of “Politicians Be Stupid,” Georgia’s governor signed a bill yesterday stating that parents must consent for minors to sign up for social media. They also copied the Texas law about showing proof of age for porn. Shall we note the number of Constitutional and realistic problems with this stupid law?

Teens have Freedom of Speech, too. Any bill requiring them to have “permission” from any other person impinges upon that freedom.
Teens can publish their own material on their own blogs, bypassing the functions of the laws.
By requiring Meta and other social media owners to require the permissions the law requires, Meta is also becoming liable for Free Speech issues.
Blocking something a teenager wants to do does not endear them to your way of thinking. They’re more likely to want to rebel in even stronger ways. Ask any psychologist. You’re not going to win this argument.
Interfering with interpersonal communications is one of the most undemocratic actions a government can take. What, you don’t think your kid has access to 240-bit encryption already? The law is morally wrong and to try and frame it as “protecting” children is socially bankrupt.

Politicians have never been the brightest bunch of low-watt bulbs in the box. Yet, we seem to have elected a group that would rather yell about their moral expectations of others and follow those morals for themselves. And would should all be extremely mindful that, as of this week, this Congress has passed fewer than 60 bills, whereas the average for this time in the process would normally have more than 350 bills to its name. They have no sense of why we elected them, why we sent them to Congress, and what the fuck they’re supposed to be doing up there. None of them deserve to be re-elected, but I don’t think we, as alleged adults, have the common sense to elect anyone any better. All any of them are going to do is stand there and babble like baboons.

Meanwhile, I need a new place to live. Do you think I can rent a small parcel of land and just dig myself a hole? I’m beginning to think that might be a better idea. Or, perhaps the world will just blow us up to get rid of this invasive species.

Fueling A New World [2024 original with AI background]

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Morning Update: 04/23/24

April 23, 2024

Life yesterday seemed rather easy until it wasn’t. The dogs and I were able to spend a little over an hour and a half, total, outside. The temperatures were perfect for them to run and romp around the yard chasing the squirrels. There wasn’t anything else pressing. I spent some time looking at apartments and such, but that needs to be a separate post.

I didn’t see Tipper when she came home from school. I was napping at the time, and by the time I was awake, she was asleep and didn’t wake up until everyone else was asleep. Even G took a long nap when he got home. Mondays seem to be exhausting for everyone.

My body decided it was done around 6:30. I stayed awake long enough for Kat to get home. I made myself dinner and then crashed. I’m fairly certain everyone was in bed by 8:30.

If I were to write another book, it would have to be titled, “How To Sleep With Eight Animals In Your Bed.” That was the total number I was working with last night. The dogs started on either side of me with the cats gathered at the foot of the bed. Then someone moved. Once one of them moved, all the others had to reposition themselves. This happened all night. One of the wanderers, Pinball and Gabby, would leave for a moment, which would initiate a shift, then come back fifteen minutes later, causing another shift. They’ll occasionally go an hour without anyone moving, and it is possible to sleep through their adjustments, but sleeping with that many animals has been an exercise in limiting my own movements while trying to ignore theirs. Having a firm mattress is definitely a plus.

I’m apparently losing my grip as well. We use sanitizing wipes in the bathroom for a number of reasons. During the night, we ran out. I got a new container and tried to open it. A plastic seal was keeping the wipes moist. There was a tab to remove the seal. I couldn’t grip it well enough to get the damn thing open. I had to wait until Kat was awake. This is yet another disappointing progression that eventually leads to needing someone else’s help for everything. I’m not happy.

Rain is in the forecast for this afternoon. We’re all thrilled [sarcasm]. I’d like to go back to bed but there are things to do, apartments to look for. Insanity to consider.

Maybe we’ll just go for the insanity and be done with it.

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Morning Update: 04/22/24

April 22, 2024

Taking the Monster Under My Bed for a walk [2024]

Yesterday was… interesting. For most of the day, the kids were busy in their rooms, either cleaning, playing games, or napping. They almost enjoy napping as much as I do. Kat picked us all up around 5:00 and took us to the park. That’s when “The Monster Under My Bed,” which is how she prefers to be known, came out for some exercise. I mean, we have a decent-sized yard, but she really needs more space to hop and run around and chase ducks. She drew her fair share of strange looks from passing people, but she behaved well and didn’t attempt to eat any of them. She stayed close to me and didn’t fuss when it was time to leave.

From the park, we went to meet the rest of Kat’s family for Tipper’s birthday dinner. Tipper likes Mexican food but wanted something different than our usual restaurant. Verde was what was chosen. None of us had been there before. It seemed like a reasonable idea. Had I realized it was in the Ironworks building, just down the sidewalk from Ruth’s Chris, I might have suggested a slightly better wardrobe for everyone and I might have snacked more so that The Monster and I wouldn’t be as hungry. Although, after seeing some of the people coming out of Ruth’s Chris, maybe it’s not as big a deal anymore.

The prices were predictably high, $150 for a tomahawk steak, $23 for three tacos. I went with an $18 combination platter and made sure to not leave any crumbs behind. The food was good, much like my experience in Mexico: a hint of spiciness at the beginning, but mostly bland and easy to eat. The burrito Kat’s mom (Bubi) had was freaking huge, but neither she nor Grandpa Larry ate much and ended up taking 98% of theirs home. They tend to be the worst food critics, constantly commenting on everything from the amount of salt to the food’s position on the plate. Everyone else devoured their food, except for 1-year-old Harper, Kat’s neice, who was more interested in playing with the clip on G’s jacket.

The only problem I had was just how incredibly loud the place was. I was seated right across from Bubi and Grandpa Larry and couldn’t hear them well enough to hold a decent conversation. Tipper carefully positioned herself between me and Kat, not really in the mood to communicate much with anyone else. For me to talk to Kat meant relaying the message through Tipper, so our end of the table largely sat their quietly waiting for the food. Ultimately, the noise got to me and I had to excuse myself from the building. Tipper promptly jumped up and joined me outside.

Only Special Monsters have long tails [2024]

Before we left, they brought us back inside for the presentation of a giant piece of rainbow cake with a massive sprinkler on top. Those who can indulge in that much sugar (primarily those under 20) enjoyed the cake. Tipper finished off the last little bit of it for breakfast this morning. She and I then went back outside to wait for everyone else to finish their chatting. We watched the full moon rising, talked about how easy it was to see inside the apartments that had lights on, and how strange it must be to live in a place like that.

When everyone else came out, Tipper went and fetched “The Monster” from the car to proudly show everyone. She might have given Harper a bit of a scare, but she was already tired and clinging to her mom, so who’s to say? The Monster enjoyed hopping around the parking lot for a while before we went home.

I was hurting in every way conceivable by the time we left the parking lot. I managed to stay awake until we were home, but crashed almost immediately thereafter. I had never expected that noise would effect me quite that way. While I enjoyed getting to see everyone again (it’s been a year and a half), I would have to decline if we were eating at the same place. My body is still too weak to be out that long and under that kind of influence.

Then, the heartburn kicked in around 2:30 this morning. Fun. Thrill. I’m glad we had milk.

Portrait of The Monster Under My Bed [2024]

Temperatures dropped to 36 degrees by this morning. Both kids complained about having to wear their heavy coats again. The dogs didn’t seem to enjoy it all that much, either.

There are thoughts to make about other topics, but I think I’ll save those for later. I still have a couple more pictures of The Monster to share.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / pop culture / Social Commentary / Status

Morning Update: 04/20/24

April 20, 2024

High Fashion Era [2009 original with AI background]

If you’re not celebrating today, or at least thinking about celebrating if you’re not physically able, then can you really be my friend? Of course, I can’t partake, either. Not only is it not legal in Indiana [insert stifled guffaw here] it can interfere with my meds. There are some edibles that I can tolerate, but since Kat’s not here for the weekend I’ll have to make do with coffee. 😪 We have to give up some of the best things because of cancer. I’m not liking that part at all. I guess if I wanted to give up something this would be the time to do it. But I’m too old goddammit. Now’s the time to be indulging in all the pleasures we’ve put off earlier in our lives. No one over 60 should have to say no to any form of pleasure. If it kills us, at least we went out doing something fun instead of lying in a hospital strapped to tubes.

I tried to get a lot done yesterday, but it didn’t happen at the rate I wanted. Part of that was because I couldn’t get the pictures to do what I wanted. There are times when even the best technology available isn’t sufficient to read my mind and deliver the image my brain is seeing. After a couple of hours of arguing with Adobe over what is and isn’t a violation of the terms of service, I just gave up. So help me, their censors are apparently offended by people having a chest at all.

Just in case you missed them, though, we posted the following articles yesterday:

I mean, we try to be entertaining even when we’re feeling like whatever that was the cat just threw up on the floor. We want to give you something to do besides playing with that tear in your underwear; you’re only going to make it worse.

We investigated more apartments yesterday but came up empty. Too many listings don’t tell you if all utilities are paid. I’m assuming if they don’t mention it, they’re not. There are also far too many listings for studio apartments that are two or three times what I make in a month! WHAT THE LIVING FUCK! That doesn’t make sense for any apartment, I don’t care where it’s located or what amenities are included. And at that price, someone had better be bringing me breakfast each morning. Ya’ll are kinda stupid if you’re paying that much. Seriously! What a fucking waste of income!

One of the issues that I can’t seem to get past is the fact that once I take the chemo meds, I have a little less than two hours before I’m dead asleep. This does not make me happy. I have to take the meds with breakfast. I can only put off breakfast for so long before my body starts to complain. The hungrier I am when I eat, the shorter period I have after taking the meds before I’m completely knocked out. This drives me nuts because midmorning is one of the best times of day to get things done and where am I? In bed, surrounded by these two dogs, as sound asleep as if it were the middle of the night. Trying to juggle the timing so that I can get things done is unnerving.

Oh, here’s the ridiculously stupid headline of the day: Woman Who Didn’t Get Raptured Demands a Refund on Her Generous Tips. There’s stupid, and then there’s “Oh my god, do you even have a brain.” This certainly falls into the latter category. I can’t imagine ever going back and asking a server to return all or a portion of a tip you’d left. Just how fucking brain-dead does a person have to be to do something like that?

If I had limitless income, which I don’t, I would buy every woman on the planet a copy of Wonder Woman #8, the issue where Wonder Woman is under the influence of a religious (Christian) nut job. It’s only 30 pages, extremely well illustrated, and easy to read. My hope would be that women with religious assholes for husbands would find themselves in this story and find their own path to escaping the mind games men and churches use to keep them bound in marital slavery where they’re not respected or valued as anything more than property. If you know someone who is in this trap, maybe buy them a copy and slip it to them in between the pages of the Bible they’re forced to read. Consider it a mission of mercy.

Okay. I really need to eat now. Ugh. Check back with me after I wake up this afternoon.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / News & Comment / Original Style / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/19/24

April 19, 2024

Safety First [2010 original with AI background]

Everything I’d hoped to do, needed to do yesterday was done. The results, however, were not necessarily what we had hoped. After calling Social Security multiple times, I finally got an answering machine instructing me to leave my contact information. Sigh. Will they call back today? I’ll give them a chance. They’re on central time, which drives me a bit nuts, but I need to know what to expect and/or how to plan before relocating myself. I also contacted some apartments that are supposed to be for people who are over 55. What frustrates me there is that their ads on Facebook, which I’m getting in droves, hide the financial information until you give them your contact info. THEN, you find out their prices are well outside your budget. This isn’t going to be easy but we simply must find a solution somewhere.

A thunderstorm hit early this morning. The result was that I went from having two large dogs and five cats scattered around my bed to two large dogs and five cats all trying to snuggle as close to me as they possibly could. What the hell are they going to do for comfort when I’m gone? I think Hamilton would lie in my lap while I’m typing if he wasn’t so freaking big.

Tipper went to the pediatrician yesterday. She saw a new doctor because her usual pede is out for the month. I was a little concerned about how that would go, but it was fine. Tipper reported that the doctor told her to either get more sunshine or she’d have to take more pills. Tipper said she’d rather take the pills. Is anyone surprised by that surprise? No, not at all.

G got his PSAT scores back. I was impressed that his score puts him in the top 2%. He was disappointed that he didn’t make the top 1%. He said he was tired and hungry while taking the test, problems he’ll be sure to eliminate the next time he takes it. Let’s hope the child doesn’t choose the dark side at any point. Something tells me he’d have the Death Star up and operational in a matter of months.

Perhaps he can devise a way to keep stupid people from doing catastrophically stupid things. When we woke yesterday, we discovered that parts of six states had lost their 911 service just hours after Homeland Security warned that our 911 network is at risk of cyber attacks. Naturally, everyone immediately assumed that the report had been a self-fulfilling prophecy, possibly in an effort to increase funding. Nope. Turns out it was just stupid people doing stupid things. Late yesterday, we were told that workers installing a light pole in Missouri cut into a fiber line, causing the outage. You know all those signs you see everywhere about calling 811 before you did? One might think that doing so would be a natural part of the process for a utility contractor, something completed days before they started installing the new pole. Nope. Stupid people do stupid things that have dangerous consequences. If anything what we’ve learned from this experience is that yes, the nation’s 911 system needs to be protected. From ourselves.

Kat sent me a screenshot last night showing me the insane number of steps she had yesterday. She’d obviously had a full day and she’s feeling the results of that exertion this morning. It was only two years ago that I was putting in a similar number of steps on a daily basis. Now, I’m afraid to walk around the block alone. I almost fell over unfastening the gate this morning. Still, I want to try and stretch my stamina somehow. So, I think I’m going to see how many posts and images I can put in front of your eyes today. I have to try and stay awake to hear from Social Security anyway, so I might as well try to achieve some form of productivity even if it doesn’t really matter to anyone at all.

I find it interesting that since I started posting again, the highest amount of traffic still goes to a three-year-old post that is perhaps the most explicit I’ve ever published. I also find it interesting that a high number of those hits come from outside the country, often from Islamic countries where I’m pretty sure such content is illegal. I’m questioning whether I should try and top that one with something new. I’m pretty sure I still have some images I’ve never processed.

Breakfast time. Ya’ll try to stay out of trouble, okay? 🤣

Current Issues / Long Read / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/18/24

April 18, 2024

Dreaming Of A New Reality [2011 original with AI background]

Beware, before you invest your time in today’s update, that I’m emotional, have been awake since 2:00, haven’t had coffee yet, and probably shouldn’t be considered sane at this moment. Also, be aware that not everything yesterday went poorly. I did have a wonderful time sharing coffee with a friend. It was the first time I’d been outside the yard in a month, and I appreciated the company. There were plenty of opportunities for the day to go worse than it did.

The problem didn’t come until we were sitting down at dinner. Kat attempted to explain in reasonable terms that the situation here at the house would soon be untenable for me. There are a host of repairs that are going to start soon. There’s no question that the repairs are necessary; they have been for some time. But there is pressure for her to make those repairs now and that’s going to create an environment that is unhealthy for me.

Making matters more difficult is the fact that we can’t afford to pay contractors to do the work. She’s going to do it all herself with some help from friends. That includes replacing the bathroom plumbing that is literally crumbling in the walls. This means that for some span of time, there will have to be a portable toilet in the yard. There will be no shower until the work is done. Several walls, possibly including those in the Recovery Room, will have to be replaced. There will be dust and debris all over the place. This is definitely not the kind of environment where I can recuperate from all the chemo.

Do What I Say, Not What I Do [2011 original with AI background]

If contractors were handling the job with a full crew, it would probably take two-three months to complete. That’s not terribly long, but would still come with all the health challenges. It would be unreasonable to expect Kat to do the work herself anywhere nearly as quickly. Where this gets sticky, however, if that there are still projects started during the pandemic shutdown four years ago that haven’t been finished. Kat’s busy. It takes all her time just trying to make ends meet. She gets home and doesn’t have the energy to rip down drywall or replace the shower. I don’t doubt her ability to do the work, but can she even get the work done before it starts getting cold again next fall? There are reasons to be doubtful.

I’m not sure who is pushing her to get the work done now. I don’t know that it matters. Whoever it is has convinced her that the work has to be done. The condition the house currently is in could cause legal problems if the wrong people were called. That fear has been deeply instilled and the only way to address it is to fix the problems. Now. The momentary discomfort comes secondary to keeping her and the kids together.

But there are other issues. Zoning has to approve whatever is done. That means there have to be plans submitted and permits pulled. Who’s going to do that? How long is that approval going to take? The ultimate zoning hearing could open us up to criticism from the nosy neighbor who keeps reporting the status of our lawn each summer. Her contrarian voice could cause all manner of unforeseen trouble. Even putting building materials inside the fence could become a point of contention. There are troubles for even thinking about doing the work. Kat doesn’t need any more stress and that’s what this work is going to cause. A lot more stress than anyone needs.

Who wants a roommate? Me moving out resolves the problem of me surviving while the work is going on, not to mention the awkwardness of me taking yet another nap while everyone around me is working their ass off. There really is little choice but for me to be elsewhere. Of course, there are some big problems there are well, starting with the fact that I really can’t afford to go anywhere on my own.

I did a lot of looking at rental properties after dinner last night. At first, I thought that perhaps I could do a long-stay hotel somewhere nearby. HA! There’s nothing like that available for less than $1200 a month at the bottom end. Most come in around $3,500 to $4,800 a month. That’s more than four times the amount I get from Social Security. Definitely not an option.

The absolute cheapest amenities I could find come in between $400-$500 a month, which I might make work. However, their co-living arrangements in a house with roommates. While they offer my own bathroom and bedroom, everything is shared. That’s a problem while I’m on chemo. I don’t share anything because of the risk of toxins lingering on things such as plates and silverware. Not to mention the fact that one doesn’t get to choose their roommates in these situations. They could be not-so-very-nice people. They might even be Republicans. I’m too old to be living in a reboot of “Friends.” This isn’t going to work at all.

Meager Means [2011 original with AI background]

Kat would like for me to be in an assisted living facility. The upside would be a private room, cleaning services, prepared meals, planned activities, transportation to the doctor, and a 24/7 nursing staff in case something goes sideways. This sounds like a good idea until you start looking at all the details. We’ve actually been looking here for almost a year and the more I look, the more problems I find.

First is the cost. Oh my fucking god! We’re looking at $5,600 a month in the neighborhood and up for the median level of service. Again, way more than I make from social security. My current insurance won’t pay for it. They’ll pay for 100 in-home visits a year, which is realistically only a step away from not having any help at all. If I were on Medicaid, it would cover the costs at some facilities, but as of last week, even the nasty low-end facilities have a waiting list of 10+ people. I’m not going to get in before construction needs to start.

Then, let’s look at the reality of the social situation. I’d be the young person in the facility by 12-15 years. Several facilities won’t even consider anyone under 65. I’m accustomed to being around significantly younger people. I get my energy and ideas from young people. Younger people help me feel plugged into the world and everything happening. Assisted living facilities, no matter what they say, serve institutionalized food and we both know damn good and well that can barely be passable on many occasions. They rely on old people losing their sense of taste. Staff turnover is high because, despite the cost of a room, the workers don’t make enough money to live on, have to deal with the bad attitudes of people who don’t know where they are, and are often disregarded by management. Every few weeks you’re breaking in someone new. Public reports on some lower-end facilities, the ones most likely to take Medicaid, show high numbers of reports of abuse and a lack of appropriate care.

This is just barely a step above living in a tent outside. I’ll only go if the only other choice is homelessness.

Sleeping Alone [2012 with AI background]

The final option is a small studio or one-bedroom apartment with utilities included. I’ve spent a good bit of the night looking at these options since I wasn’t able to sleep. Prices run from right around $600 a month on up. The biggest difference in prices seems to have to do with the age of the facility and where it is located. Those with lower prices tend to be in more challenging neighborhoods where not only is crime more of an issue but the availability of amenities such as shopping, dining, and entertainment is likely to be further away.

On the plus side, these places offer a decent level of privacy, come with kitchen appliances, and avoid the issue of having to secure utilities and deal with their fluctuating prices. The typical size is between 650-750 square feet. Deposits on several are as low as $300. I could *possibly* have enough money to move in by the first of June or something close to that.

The downside is that my credit score requires a shovel to find it, which automatically makes the process difficult. Depending on the type of security and where the apartment is located, getting anything delivered can be challenging without the risk of it being stolen. Letting guests in can be challenging as well. I’ve seen some apartments where one has to physically let the guest through the locked door.

I’m not worried about going over the income caps that several places have. Even if my Social Security was increased to the allowable limit, I’d still be well under the income cap for a single person. In the year before I met Kat (2012), I stayed in some of these places and while their security measures might make some things a little inconvenient, they were pretty much decent places that were good for those on fixed incomes.

Considering an apartment comes with some unique concerns. One is having someone watch over me regularly. Here, we have to consider whether I can get back on Medicaid. That would provide a higher level of service than my current insurance. However, on my 65th birthday, I’d get dumped from Medicaid and put on Medicare which is a whole new mess of government red tape trying to make sure old people die and get out of the way.

One option worth considering is Amazon’s new emergency service through its Alexa system. The cost is only $6/month and renews automatically. In addition to calling 911, it can call other emergency contacts as well. Is this going to take longer than having someone in-house all the time? Depends on the size of the house. Nursing facilities typically have one nurse per 100 residents. If that nurse is already busy when you call, it can be several minutes before anyone gets to you. 911, on the other hand, does its best to get to you ASAP, preferably in under three minutes.

An apartment also comes with the challenge of not having furnishings. I have a bed. I had a recliner. I have a file cabinet. That’s it. The desk I’m using is Kat’s. The coffee pot and microwave are Kat’s. I have a couple of lamps and a turntable. I do have a bookshelf but it would depend on the apartment’s rules as to whether I could attach it to the wall. I’ve never been especially picky about things like sofas and coffee tables. As I get older, though, sitting on the floor or having to bend over constantly to use the computer becomes more of an issue. Of course, I have plenty of pictures for the walls.

Included among the list of things I need to do today is making a call to the Social Security office. They want to confirm my residence. What do I tell them? How much is it going to mess things up if I let them know I need to move within the next six weeks? The last thing I need is more paperwork on my desk or matters getting any more confusing than they already are. I could use help, but not the over-the-phone kind. I need someone who can be right next to me, making sure I’m filling things out correctly. I have a laptop. Come get me and we can do things over coffee.

By the way, the coffee shop has its spring drink menu out and it looks really good.

The final matter to worry about is the loneliness that is going to happen no matter how this plays out. There’s no taking the dogs anywhere they don’t have room to run. Cats come with pet fees and I don’t have money for that. What I am constantly reminded of is that loneliness is a worse killer than heart disease, cancer, or diabetes. While Kat’s promised that I’ll see her and the kids at least once a week, what about all the other times? If there’s nothing safe within walking distance, how will I pass the time I normally spend interacting with or watching over the kids? Will I just pathetically sit here and try to deal with the depression without blowing my brains out? I don’t have a lot of confidence in my ability to deal with the quiet and loneliness well. I need people in my life and I need them to be people that I like. I have no idea how to solve this problem anymore. It’s not like when I first moved here and could hit people up to take pictures. I have nothing that makes me attractive to anyone new. Nothing.

I’m open to reasonable suggestions. I’m also old and very set in my ways. I need to make a move within the next six weeks or things become difficult for all of us.

Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / Politics / Status

Morning Update: 04/17/24

April 17, 2024

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG GABE!

Today marks the 26th anniversary of my favorite birthing event ever: Gabe peeing on his grandmother! I never get tired of telling that story and he’ll never live it down. Not many kids come out of the womb making that kind of statement! I’m a bit sad that he’s not here. We’d make him a pie because he doesn’t really like cake. Then we’d make a second pie because he’d hoard the first one all to himself. He’s having a bit of a rough time at the moment and to top everything he’s aging off his mom’s insurance. I’m sure he’ll find a solution, though, and keep on being the cool person he is. Listening to Sleep Token is now his favorite thing to do, even while he’s sleeping. It is difficult to imagine that my little guy is so very big. Here’s to hoping he has the most WONDERFUL birthday and a fantastic year!

Meanwhile, back here in the Recovery Room, the kids have both left for school, the animals are taking a nap, and I’m starting to feel a tiny bit hungry. We’re all glad the rain held off as long as it did yesterday, but it was a wild storm of continuous thunder when it did hit. None of us slept through it, including the animals. Sleep patterns for everyone are a bit wonky. I almost hate to plan anything for dinner because I never know if anyone will be awake to eat it.

Tipper is still taking tests today. G is hoping it’s not storming again when he’s on his way home. I’m hoping to get out for a while this morning. There’s laundry in the dryer. I think everything is going to be fine today. Hopefully. Maybe.

What’s worth watching today is an argument in front of the Supreme Court over whether homeless people are covered by the 8th Amendment which prevents people from being punished based on a personal status outside their control, such as being homeless. This is the biggest homeless case to reach SCOTUS in decades and could affect a number of local laws designed to prevent homeless people from camping on public property. I have zero faith that SCOTUS will do the right thing for homeless people. None of the judges have ever been in that situation and if you’ve not experienced the terror that is homelessness, there’s little chance you’ll understand.

I’m also keeping a close eye on Israel and Gaza. Israel says it’s going to retaliate against Iran. President Biden says the US won’t help. Iran says if Israel retaliates it will have a “massive” response. Someone in the UN floated a resolution recognizing Palestine as a state, but the US Ambassador to the UN says she never saw it and the vote failed. Meanwhile, there are now an estimated 19,000 orphans in Gaza. I feel there’s a really big boom about to come from that region.

I also have a statement for artists from Tipper but I’ll share that separately.

Here’s to another day!

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/16/24

April 16, 2024

Bound By Illogical Idealism [2020 original, AI background]

What I want to do and what I actually do are two different things, almost daily. I thought I’d get more written yesterday. You don’t see any other posts than the morning update, do you? That’s because I’d start working on something and within minutes I’d start falling asleep at the desk. No amount of caffeine was able to stop it. This is the power that the chemo has over me and is the side effect I’m most concerned about not losing when the chemo is over. I fear my body has become too accustomed to my brain checking out and taking long naps during the afternoon.

Yesterday was a rough day for the kids as well. They came home, did their chores, and promptly fell fast asleep. Neither one ate anything for dinner. G woke up somewhere after 8:30 and Tipper didn’t wake up until 10. To no one’s surprise, I was out for the night by that time. I’m not sure anyone was awake at whatever time Kat got home. Her Mondays are almost always long days, and yesterday started earlier than normal. If it wasn’t for having to take care of the pets, I think we all could sleep around the clock.

The warm weather was nice when I was awake. The dogs loved being outside again. They’re being a lot more chill this spring, not barking as much at people who are passing by, not causing any problems. They’re even being nicer to the mail carrier. She still keeps a wide berth as she passes, but she doesn’t feel the need to walk out in the middle of the street any longer. I’d be tempted to take one of the dogs for a walk, but out of safety, I think I’d need someone to walk with us.

I need someone to take me to see the new movie Civil War. Having watched all the trailers and probably too much news, I can see the movie being prophetic in disturbing ways. I’ve told others that I’ll be surprised if we make it through this election season without any violence. This movie seems to take that thought to the extreme. The fact is, we’re in as much danger from domestic extremism as any Islamic country. We’re wrestling with many of the same issues with too many parallels among the factions. There are too many so-called “patriots” who think that anyone who disagrees with them needs to die. There are too many Supreme Court decisions encouraging the chaos. If I’m going to die before I’m 85, I want it to be because I ate too many coconut creme pies, not because I ran afoul of some idiot with a grenade launcher. Here’s the trailer. Let me know in the comments what you think.

Given all this stress and such, I’m kind of in the mood to take some risks. It’s about a mile and a half, give or take a few steps, over to Nick’s Chili Parlor and some incredible foot-long hot dogs. I’m pretty sure I could make it over there safely. The question is, could I make it back? And who would I call for help if I couldn’t?

Maybe I just need to eat breakfast so I can get the idea of food out of my head.

Art / Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / Photography

Morning Update: 04/15/24

April 15, 2024

April Showers [April 20, 2008, colorized]

Happy Tax Day!

A FRIENDLY REMINDER OF WHY YOU NEED TO VOTE!

Some days we just need to be quiet. That explains why I’ve not posted anything extra over the weekend. With the weather being better, I was able to relax and sleep, repairing some of the damage done by almost two straight weeks of rain. When I wasn’t sleeping, I watched the news unfold in Gaza, sitting outside with the dogs, and enjoying Tipper celebrating her birthday. The kids managed to mow the lawn without too much arguing. The dogs rolled around over the fresh-cut grass. We watched as a neighbor’s two-year-old tried kicking a soccer ball and missed repeatedly.

I mentioned yesterday about the huge furry head Tipper got for her birthday. It’s roughly three times the size of her normal head with blue and black fur and a textured face that looks rather vicious. She decided to wear it while G was moving, along with her white and red cape. It was an interesting look.

We have a lot of families who walk through the neighborhood when the weather is nice. A family with a little one, probably 14-16 months old, was out about the same time as the kids. The little guy was already fussy. He absolutely wanted to be carried. Then, he saw Tipper. The volume of his screams went up enough that I heard them from inside the Recovery Room. The little guy was wrapped around his dad’s leg, screaming as much as his little lungs allowed. I think his dad thought the baby was just continuing to fuss, but the look on this baby’s face said otherwise. I’d be willing to be Tipper was in his nightmares last night!

Today iLearn testing begins in Indiana. This is that wonderful time of year when the state attempts, miserably, to make all our multi-shaped personalities fit into the round hole that adults think they need to fit. I cannot say enough bad things about standardized testing. Studies have repeatedly shown how deficient they all are, and iLearn continues to be one of the worst ever conceived. Neurodivergent children are especially misserved during this testing. There are limited resources to help kids get through these tests and if you don’t know about them and advocate for your children, they won’t get the help. I hope our kids will grow up and outlaw this imbecilic means of pushing children toward sameness rather than glorifying their individuality.

We’re still keeping a close eye on the Middle East. President Biden has said that the US will not help Israel retaliate. What the weekend proved, however, is that we can help minimize the effects of attacks without setting foot on soil. Israel is not a member of NATO, yet we are spending MILLIONS to help them defend themselves against attack. Why won’t we do the same for Ukraine? If one deserves our help, there’s no reasonable argument for denying the other. Either we’re in, completely, or we’re out. We can’t afford to let Russia win any more than we can afford to give Iran any manner of foothold. Both are controlled by absolutely insane people who have no concern for human life. We need to put them both out of commission.

G told me yesterday that he needs AA batteries. So, I put together a small order that’s being delivered this morning. A third of the cost is taxes and fees that I wouldn’t need to pay if I could drive. 😒This drives me nuts. On the bright side, it was here before 7:30.

It’s been over three weeks since I’ve set foot outside the confines of the yard. I’m feeling that maybe it’s time to get out again. We’ll see how safe I feel wandering with the dogs today. Meanwhile, Solaris has the zoomies. No place on the bed is safe.

Let’s talk briefly about this morning’s picture. It was taken almost exactly 16 years ago. This is the first time we shot with Alicia. The rain you see is real, not manufactured. We originally processed the 8-megapixel image in black-and-white because technology at the time barely made the rain visible in color. For this morning, we took the processed .TIFF file (because I don’t have the RAWs) and colorized it, then enhanced the texture to pick up on the rain.

Alicia was just stepping into modeling. Her eldest son, Benjamin, was still the tiniest little guy. Now, she’s happily married, living in Florida, and has two more little buggers running around keeping her busy. Looking back on memories like this makes me smile, and make me very happy there was no lightning that morning. I miss moments like this and cherish them to the core of my being.

Current Issues / News & Comment / Personal

Morning Update: 04/14/24

April 14, 2024

Spring Hideaway [2020 original photo with AI background]

Tippy had a good birthday. She had lunch with her aunt and niece and got home in time for a giant black and blue furry head to arrive in the mail. The head is freaking huge! The total look is going to be interesting, though. Her head is black and blue. Her tail is orange. Her paws are gray. Her feet are white. This is an interesting kitty to be sure, but she loves it and that’s really all that matters. She’s happy. She is creating her own identity for now. Who knows what she’ll want to do next.

With good weather came a return to my “normal” chemo patterns. Two hours after taking my meds, I was sound asleep and stayed that way for the next seven hours. I rather expect today will be more of the same, though the lawn needs to be mowed so that may require me putting off my nap a bit. I’ve stopped trying to fight the sleep when the urge comes. This is part of my life for now and it may not ever change.

If we had a front porch, a real one, not the little square in front of the door, this would be the perfect morning to sit there and rock back and forth while drinking coffee. The dogs could meander around the yard until they were bored then come up and lie next to me without getting covered in fleas. Taking them out this morning was pleasant, the kind of morning you want to repeat.

Unfortunately, that’s where the pleasure ends. Israel reports that they intercepted somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 missiles and drones from Iran overnight. We’ve been here before. Israel has one of the best and most effective defense systems in the world. They had help this time from Jordan, the UK, and the US to make sure there was only minor damage. Iran gets to say they retaliated for the strike on their Syrian embassy, and Israel gets to say they successfully defended the country. It’s the grown-up version of the silly slap-fighting one might see between a couple of children who are mildly upset with each other. The only cost is the play money that every country spends on these pseudo-war efforts.

Of course, the danger is in how Israel chooses to respond. If they hit another embassy or some target inside Iran, then it’s more likely to be “game on” and we could see Iran target Israeli interests that aren’t as protected. This could cause other countries, such as Iraq, to become involved. Next thing you know, Congress will fund another regional war for a while, then get bored and leave stranded. Eventually, those chickens will come home to roost and someone will start shooting back at us. We’re not behaving responsibly in the least, but then, neither is anyone else. The people who are in charge of the world are more than a little stupid and every last one of them needs to be replaced.

No one ever pays any attention to me, though. I’ve been saying the same thing for years now and they keep doing the stupid things that their predecessors did because they don’t have enough brain power to figure out anything different. We live in a stupid society surrounded by stupid people who still think war is an effective way to run a country or a planet. It’s never worked before, but they’re convinced that they have to keep trying.

We need an effective way to say no to people who keep going to war. Take their toys away from them like we would a spoiled child. We need consequences that affect the people causing the wars, not the innocent individuals who have to deal with the bombs, and the famine, and the loss of legitimate jobs. When Putin and Netanyahu and every other country’s leader have to pay personally for their actions, then maybe we start getting some positive results. This “punish the whole class for the actions of one” concept doesn’t work any better on the world stage than it does in Jr. High.

I wonder too often how humanity made it this far without completely annihilating ourselves.

Sigh. Stop electing old white men. There’s no wisdom coming from any of them.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/13/24

April 13, 2024

Original Fashion by Tiffiany Gilstrap-Scott [2015 original image with AI background]

Finally, the rain stopped, at least for now. We’ve had almost six inches of rain since the first of the month and I’ve felt as though each drop was a direct assault on my personal being. I’m looking forward to drier conditions this weekend and a high near 80 on Sunday and Monday. Maybe the calmer weather will help me feel a little less like I’m in the active process of dying. The forecast shows more storms for the middle of next week, though, so I’d best get some rest in while I can.

Today is Tipper’s birthday! Our baby girl is officially 14, though she’s been acting that age for a few months. She is so incredibly bright, creative, and artistic that it’s difficult to keep up with what project she’s working on at any given moment. Of course, her room’s a mess with all that creativity going on. I think we’ve about given up on ever seeing the floor in there ever again. But she’s such a wonderful delight of a person. I love the way she’s taken to calling me Papa, how she comes flirting into the Recovery Room each morning to snuggle with each of the animals on the bed, and how she’s taken on the title of primary rice maker for the entire house. I hope she feels all the love we have for her, forever.

Keeping the world safe for her and her brothers is a strenuous undertaking, though. The fight to keep Iran from attacking Israel is back on the front burner. I’m not sure that previous diplomatic tactics that helped keep the peace between the two countries are going to work this time. The ties between Gaza and Iran are too strong. Iran’s taking of an Israeli tanker this morning pushes the entire world closer to the brink of war. At this point, I hope we make it through the weekend.

At the same time, there is every reasonable concern of a domestic act of violence erupting at any time. Every agency head has told Congress the same thing: it’s coming and we’re not sure we can prevent it. That’s heartening, isn’t it, when you’re sending the ones you love out to work in public every day? Sending kids to school was already scary. Between loose gun laws and overly obsessive parents afraid that children will learn too much about things that make their parents insecure, school has been a dangerous place for several years. The danger now extends to anywhere that people gather. Anywhere. Anything you want to do outside your home comes with an increased risk factor and we are each largely helpless to do anything about it.

And we’re supposed to raise happy children in this environment. All we can do is watch and try to stay away from any kind of extremist: religious, political, or ideological.

Maybe I’ll get Tipper a blast suit for her birthday.

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal / Status

Morning Update: 04/12/24

April 12, 2024

The chemo drug I’m on is in short supply. The call from the hospital pharmacy that supplies me the drug called yesterday. At the moment, they have enough to get me through the summer, but they’ve notified my oncologist that we may need to be ready to make alternative arrangements by this fall. I’m not sure exactly what that means in terms of lengthening or shortening treatment. I see the oncologist next month. But the threat is real.

This is part of a nationwide shortage of over 300 medicines. Adderal is at the top of the list as are ADHD meds. No one is saying what, specifically, is driving the shortages. Everything from outstripping supplies to disruptions in delivering raw materials is part of the cause, making it more challenging to come to the problem with an easy solution. I don’t recommend having an emergency, either. Common crash cart supplies are on the list as well. This shortage stands to affect everyone.

Rain is forecasted to continue until noon today. At the moment, I don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday. The debilitating headache dropped off around 7:00 last night. That still didn’t translate to getting a decent amount of sleep. I’ve been awake since a little after 4:00 this morning. Hamilton was especially snuggly so he got in close and we looked at what I’ve been missing on Instagram until it was time for us to get up.

I still don’t feel like doing much, though. I’m sore. I’m achy. Getting my mind to focus on any one thing for more than a minute seems impossible. I think the weekend is supposed to be warmer. I’d love to at least sit outside while the dogs run and do their thing. Even the dogs have kept their outside experience to a minimum the past couple of days.

One interesting thing that did cross my eyes as we were reading this morning, was a story from Vanity Fair about how South Dakota tribes are keeping the state’s right-wing nut job of a governor off their lands. I don’t know how well this might work elsewhere, given that we’re talking about very specific tribal reservations. The best part: they didn’t have to involve the BIA, the courts, or anything government-related. Their councils simply voted that for her to step foot on the reservations amounts to trespassing and that she would be removed if she does so. Oklahoma is in a situation where their sorry excuse for a governor needs to stay out of tribal-controlled land as well, in my opinion. I hope my friends within the Cherokee and Choctaw tribes look at following this example and keeping the governor’s ass in Oklahoma City.

By the way, you know Doug’s not the only one who can comment here. Anyone can. Go ahead. Try it.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Natural Light / Personal / pop culture

Morning Update: 04/11/24

April 11, 2024

This Doesn’t Feel Like Home (2020 original with AI background)

Today marks 19 years since I moved from Atlanta to Indianapolis. I’ve lived here longer than anywhere. I have more connections here than anywhere. Yet, there is this eternal, nagging feeling that this is not home. I constantly question whether I’m doing anyone any good by being here. Two weeks in, I knew I had made a horrible mistake, but I was contractually obligated at the time, and by the time that contract was over, I was too broke to move back. That condition has remained the same ever since, and now Atlanta’s changed so much that I can’t see myself returning there. I’m not sure there’s anywhere now where I’m going to feel at home.

There is no way today is a good day. The rain kept me in pain, tossing and turning all night. I’ve had the headache from hell all night but I can’t take more pain meds until after 7:00. I gave up and decided to sit at the desk a little after 4. The dogs started pawing at me around 4:30, but I tried putting them off until at least 6. When they paw, they scratch, and my skin is fragile enough that it bleeds. So, at 5:00 I finally relented and let them out. When we came in, as per routine, I fed them and the cats. If I don’t feed the cats they get loud. Apparently, that was a mistake. The dogs eating woke Kat up and now she’s pissed at me.

The rain will continue to fall all day. My body hasn’t liked rain for years because of the arthritis. In my current condition, all pain levels are elevated. I can’t sleep. Eating is difficult. Walking is difficult. Sitting isn’t comfortable. There’s nothing about this existence that’s going to feel good no matter what I do. I’ve shut the door to the Recovery Room and will do my best to stay away from other people so that I don’t ruin the day for everyone who has to put up with me.

19 years ago, I was contractually obligated to be in Indianapolis on this date. That meant I had to leave on Ben’s 10th birthday. There was a big party going on in his grandparent’s yard when I had to say goodbye. He seemed annoyed that I was interrupting his fun. After all, it was his birthday. There were more important things than Dad leaving, right?

I didn’t get to talk to him yesterday. I messaged him, left him a voicemail, but his life still has too many other things going on. I hear from Ben the least. I’m not sure where he’s working or what’s going on in his personal life. From his perspective, it probably doesn’t matter. It never has. Even when his mom and I first separated, I’d call in the evening and after a couple of weeks Ben told me, “Dad, you know you don’t have to call every night.”

What I did get was a very attractive picture of Gabe, my third in line. His hair is about the same length as mine now, only more full, like mine was when I was young. He turns 26 next week. My leaving hurt him the most. He didn’t understand that I wasn’t coming back for his birthday. The phone call I fielded that afternoon still hurts me today. I wasn’t there for my baby. I should have broken the fucking contract and gone back.

Now, I worry how much I’ll disappoint G and Tipper. I need to find someplace to live where someone can take of me without being stressed, if such a place exists. I’ll be leaving two more kids that I love. Maybe they’ll be like Ben and it won’t bother them that I’m gone, that I won’t be here in the morning or when they get home from school. After all, they have their own friends, do their own thing, spend a lot of time in their rooms on the phone or in games. If I’m lucky, they won’t miss me.

Groceries yesterday totalled a touch over $330 including a 44-pound bag of dog food that I struggled to wrangle into the house. One of the issues with having groceries delivered is that it is only right that the shopper be tipped. A 15% tip on yesterday’s order was just short of $45. I would have rather paid a friend to take me and walk with me as I did the shopping myself. It would have been more productive. 12 items were substituted out of a list of 30. That’s over 30%. I have trouble believing that the only substitute available for frozen french fries was “potato puffs.” When I ask for a frozen family meal, an individual meal is not an adequate substitute. Isn’t that just common sense? Apparently not.

Food items and their costs are only going to get worse. There’s nothing I can do to stop that. Earlier this morning I was reading that more companies are looking for ways to reduce the amount of cocoa in their products, including candy makers such as Mars and Hershey. Global warming and disease are to blame. Resources have diminished so dramatically that it is not sustainable for companies to continue using high-price ingredients even if they raise the price. They know that there’s a limit to how much people are willing to pay for a 2.5-ounce candy bar.

The problem isn’t just with cocoa, though. Last year, coffee prices took a huge jump after supplies ran dangerously low. That’s why you’re paying $6 for a six-ounce cup of your favorite brew. Part of the issue is that competitive alternatives, such as mushroom coffee, still contain bean coffee in some form. By the time you add in the cost of the additional processing, the alternatives cost more than the original, making them not so much of an alternative for anyone who’s on a budget, and who isn’t on a budget? More and more of the things we at are being affected by the weather and the result is we’re paying higher prices at the store.

Of course, it would be insensitive of me to not mention that at least we can get to food. There are still millions upon millions of people around the world for whom food is a pipe dream. They keep hoping for relief and each day their hopes are dashed. The problem isn’t so much a lack of food, but a lack of desire to solve the fucking problem. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, billionaires could eliminate hunger completely by 2030. They just have zero motivation to do so.

There is no sunshine today, only gray. This has taken long enough that I can take more pain meds now. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep. I’m not expecting anything to be any better later in the day, though. Why would it? Life is little more than a string of pain punctuated by disappointment.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/10/24

April 10, 2024

River Dance [ 2007 original with AI-enhanced background ]

Happy birthday to my second-born son, Benjamin Lafayette! I still think of him as some little wild-haired, mac & cheese-eating dude who hated wearing clothes. Now, he’s turning 29. TWENTY-NINE! How the hell is that possible? Can I really be old enough for him to be 29? Here he is being an incredible young man, running around being all responsible and stuff instead of lining up his trains and Matchbox cars all over the den floor. Time flies much too quickly when it comes to our children. Thinking of them as adults is almost impossible, but here they are, doing all the good stuff and doing it better than their parents did.

Speaking of kids, if your kids are in that age group where Lunchables are part of your daily routine, you need to find another routine. According to news released yesterday, Lunchables contain a scary level of lead and sodium. I know, it’s easy and the kids like it and they’re not eating it for every meal. Can it really be that bad? Yes. Please remember, omitting all the sciency stuff, lead makes people stupid. Those of us from my generation should be a sufficient case study to prove that point. You’re probably not going to like this suggestion, but making them a sandwich or “lunchable” type of meal on your own, as time-consuming as it is, would be much better for them. We’re guilty of hooking our kids on processed food much too early in their lives because it’s easier. I’m just as guilty of this as anyone else. I’m glad that my kids are old enough to get up and cook their own lunches to take with them. In fact, that’s exactly what Tipper is doing as I type. Please, don’t follow my example on this one. Stop feeding your kids Lunchables.

Yesterday kinda sucked. I’m not sure why this happened, but about 10:30 yesterday morning my digestive system rebelled and made me more ill than I’ve been in several months. I was running back and forth across the hallway to the bathroom most of the day with far too much intestinal pain. I don’t know if this was a side effect of the chemo or if I ate something stupid. It seems to be gone for now, but I’m still tentative about eating anything substantial.

The good news is that my SS check hit my bank account this morning! While it’s not a lot, it means I can actually pay some bills and take care of some much-needed food items. Of course, I’ll be budgeting carefully to make sure it lasts all month, but the relief I’m feeling at this moment is substantial. And the odds are pretty high I’ll be having fried chicken for lunch.

One other strange thing that happened yesterday is that one of the buses at Tipper’s school ran into a police squad car as they were leaving the school. Apparently, the squad car took the brunt of the force, neither the bus nor the kids on it were hurt. Still, it caused all the buses to be about 30 minutes late. It wouldn’t be worth mentioning if this was the first time this same bus/driver has had an accident while leaving the school. Last spring, just about this same time of year, it was a car they collided with, and again, it caused all the buses to be late. I’m not going to blame the driver right off, but there’s a stop light at that intersection. There’s no sensible reason for anyone to be having a collision there. Someone’s not paying attention.

Okay, there’s a lot to try and do today. I may do a photo dump later? Maybe. You just have to stay tuned!

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/09/24

April 9, 2024

On This Occasion [recovered from 2006 original]

The eclipse that’s been widely anticipated for well over a year has passed. I’m still not 100% sure what is lurking behind the sun in my picture, but I’m going to suggest to NASA that we launch a satellite with a big sign that says “Tatooine 5, 3879 million light years –>” just to be safe. Beyond the eclipse itself, one of the things I found interesting was how everyone in our neighborhood was out in their yard with their families, watching with astonishment. There were cheers, gunfire (of course), and a sense of togetherness that I’d not experienced at any other event. At that moment, we were all simply human, no other qualifiers were necessary. We could use more moments like that to bring us together as a planet.

Minus the nut jobs, of course. I’m sure there are some disappointed “prophets” this morning.

We came in and everyone except Kat fell asleep. G is up and around now (5:21 AM) so he can take a shower, but he missed dinner completely. Tipper ate a little bit, then fell back asleep. It made for a quiet evening so that Kat could watch Purdue lose in peace. Poor Purdue.

Thanks to the gift from another friend, the bank account is out of the negative so far this morning. It won’t stay that way. An $11 recurring bill comes out today and that will put us back in the negative. This is more trying than usual. I’ll feed the dogs the last of the dog food this morning. The cat food is low but we’ll make it. There’s a chance that my SS check will come tomorrow, but I’m not betting on that. Why would I?

Meanwhile, as we were sleeping away with dreams of the eclipse, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) in Strasbourg, France, ruled that Switzerland violated human rights by failing to take substantial action on global warming. The ruling is in response to lawsuits filed by three different groups, one being a group of more than 2,000 older Swiss women. The penalties vary according to the individual lawsuits, but have no option for appeal and are legally binding, setting a precedent for all EU countries.

Imagine if that were an option here. Do you think US courts would even consider such a case?

OH, and in a follow-up to our article on fashion shaming, there’s a story out of Cleveland, OH about a 38-year-old mother of two who was dress-coded at library story time because her sweater showed a bit of her tummy when she picked up her one-year-old. 🙄 Cleveland obviously does not rock as much as it thinks it does.

Okay, cats are screaming to be fed and dogs are whining to go outside. I’ll write more later. Thank you for reading.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / science / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 04/08/24

April 8, 2024

Create Your Own Reality [recovered and modified from 2004 original]

ECLIPSE DAY!

This is it! The most anticipated/dreaded day of the year (so far)! The sun was reflecting brightly off the back of the turn three grandstands at IMS as I took the dogs out this morning. There are signs of some high clouds back to the southwest, but meteorologists are promising that it won’t dramatically reduce viewing abilities. We have our glasses ready. The only issue now is staying awake. Full totality hits right smack in the middle of what is normally my nap time. I’ll have to take an earlier nap if I’m going to see anything. In fact, I’m not sure anyone slept all that well last night, so it may mean mid-morning naps for everyone!

IMS is having a big eclipse viewing party. Honestly, I don’t see much difference between viewing the eclipse from the infield versus our backyard other than I’m not going to charge anyone to stand out here and look at the sky. I really don’t see the point. The sun is going to look exactly the same here as it does 300 yards from here. What remains to be seen is the degree to which the event messes up local traffic. People around here don’t typically drive with a lot of common sense anyway, so there’s a reasonable chance of vehicular disaster.

On the upside, today’s high temperature is supposed to be 74 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yesterday was significantly less exciting. The sun shone for a while, then it rained, then the sun was back out. I napped while it rained so that the accompanying pain could be ignored. The kids did kid stuff. G tends to be particularly loud when playing on the VR headset, but that may be part of its “charm” for now.

One particularly frustrating moment came when a friend tried to help out financially. They sent a bit of $ via Zelle, which goes directly into our bank account. Since the account is overdrawn (because of automatic deductions), their gift reduced the deficit, which is greatly appreciated, but did not fulfill their desire to help us with food. We’re still negative by a little over $40. Until that is paid, we’re just stuck.

Who all is trying to “like” posts but can’t? I understand that’s being a problem for some people. I’ll look into it and see if that’s something I can address.

Also, is anyone here genuinely offended by nudity? There’s going to be some in my next post as I’m about to go off on Internet trolls and those who make headlines of their actions. Keep watch as I won’t be able to post a direct link to that on FB. 🙄

Be careful out there this afternoon! Don’t be as stupid as a certain former president and try looking at the eclipse without protection.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal / Status

Morning Update: 04/07/24

April 7, 2024

Tipper, responding to Hamilton prancing eagerly in the hallway, waiting to go outside: “Maybe we should check Hammy for ADHD, he’s so hyper.”

Me: “Should I check him for autism as well?”

Tipper: “Maybe, but it’s definitely not the smart kind of autism.” 🤣

This morning’s update is not chronological because that’s not the way my brain is working at the moment.

Yesterday was beautiful. The kids mowed the lawn. The dogs ran laps around the house. Neighbors made too much noise. The kids mowing the lawn was kind of a big deal because I wasn’t out there with them as I’ve been in previous years. The lawn is too uneven and I have too much trouble standing up. They’re 14 (almost) and 15 this summer, so realistically there’s no reason they shouldn’t be able to handle the lawn by themselves. Still, it’s difficult to let go and let them be unsupervised. I stayed awake well past my nap time just to make sure they were safe, then passed out until after 6:00.

I fixed fish cakes for dinner with the leftover cod from Thursday night, but it still wasn’t much better than the original disaster. Both kids ate it this time, but I’m pretty sure that was more due to hunger than enjoyment. I need to up my game a bit.

The upside to the nicer weather is that there hasn’t been as much pain. I was able to actually rest last night. Today should be similar, but tomorrow, when the much-anticipated eclipse occurs, is still questionable. The National Weather Service is saying we’ll probably have high clouds but that they shouldn’t interfere with viewing the eclipse.

Just for the record: there is a total eclipse approximately every 18 months. They’re not new. They’re not even all that unique. The area of totally just happens to pass right over the middle of the US this time around. NOT the end of the world. NOT a sign from god. NOT a reason for anyone to behave more stupidly than normal. This is just science doing its thing.

Tipper just announced that this morning’s rice is done. I’m going to go eat. Wasn’t this an exciting experience? I’ll write more later. PLEASE, read.

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/06/24

April 6, 2024

Cognition failed me yesterday afternoon. There was more to talk about, but my head couldn’t make the words work. This has been happening more frequently in the past month. My ability to sit down and write articles of reasonable length is leaving me. Life is cruel. Cancer is cruel. Chemo is mean. I’m beginning to understand why so many older people spend their days watching television. The mind is barely able to put together a sentence here and there. Television makes one feel that they’re still part of the conversation even when they can’t find the words to say anything.

I tried talking to Kat yesterday morning and failed. At least, I think it was yesterday; it could have been Thursday. Still, I couldn’t find the words to start a conversation. We just sat there in silence, which is normally okay, but after a few minutes of trying and not getting my brain to work, I went back to bed. That seems to be the only place where I don’t consistently fail.

Let me correct that last statement. I don’t fail at going to bed if I’m the first one there. If the Gang of Five (or more) has already landed, trying to find space to wiggle in between them without getting hissed at is challenging. The dogs will move if they’re awake. If they’re asleep, they’re just heavy bags of concrete that are impossible to relocate. The cats, on the other hand, will defend their territory. I have the marks to prove it.

A week without milk, bread, or margarine. I just made the last pot of coffee this morning. Kat doesn’t get paid until Wednesday. We still have plenty of beans and rice. That will keep us alive.

Finding motivation is increasingly difficult. The kids are old enough that they don’t need a lot of supervision from me. The animals only need me when they’re hungry. I don’t have anyone hounding me for pictures. No one’s taking me to coffee. What reason do I have to do anything except sit here and watch YouTube shorts?

This existence is killing me. How am I supposed to do this, make anything work in my head, be more than a lump of hardened clay? I need interaction with someone interested, not faking it.

Cancer Update / Morning Update / News & Comment

Morning Update: 04/05/24

April 5, 2024

Dinner last night was a disaster. I made baked cod, which normally isn’t that difficult, but I fucked up the breading with too much flour and it tasted horrible. Now, I have the four remaining pieces of cod that I will have to figure out some alternative mode of preparing. I’m thinking maybe fishcakes. I don’t know. I know I can’t repeat last night’s mess.

We’re on day five with no milk, bread, or margarine. SS should arrive somewhere in the next ten days, but it’s going to be a long ten days. I would almost kill for pan-fried chicken. Does any place still do pan-fried chicken? I know how to fix it myself, but I can no longer stand in front of a hot stove for that long. At least the kids are getting good meals at school. I’m not sure they’re eating them, but they’re available.

I’m going to post a video separately from one of our local news stations. In the wake of Sunday night’s mass shooting downtown, the mayor and police chief have finally decided to enforce the pre-existing curfew for teens, especially downtown. For 15-17 year olds, they must either be home or accompanied by a parent between 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM. For those 14 and younger, the curfew starts at 11:00 PM.

I have questions. First, why the fuck did it take a mass shooting before anyone decided that enforcing the existing curfew might be a good idea? Downtown teen violence has been a problem for years now. Why was it not already being enforced? Second, why are we canceling it at 5:00 AM? Are there that mean 17-year-olds with early AM jobs? Third, has anyone bothered to take a look into why unaccompanied teens are downtown that late in the first place? I’m willing to bet that it’s major music events running late. The same goes for all the events on Georgia Street in the summer. Guess what: the city can control what times those events start so that they don’t run so damn late. This is a public safety issue. If the concert needs to start at 6:00 PM, then start it at 6:00 PM and reduce the chances of anyone getting hurt.

I mentioned the curfew to G before he left for school this morning. He laughed. “Why would I ever be downtown that late?” And he’s right. There’s no good reason for a 15-year-old to be downtown, unaccompanied when the city buses aren’t even running. But then, G was asleep by 9:00 last night, anyway. Everyone in the house was. We don’t tell our kids to go to bed. They like bed. Given the trouble we had getting them to sleep when they were preschoolers, we’re not complaining.

What’s sad is that I realistically don’t expect the curfew to stop the violence downtown. Too many parents have to work multiple jobs, leaving too few to provide enough parental oversight. Security is too lax at too many downtown venues, allowing teens access to places not intended for them, especially on Georgia Street. Not enough attention is given to teenage gang violence. Too few young adults make good role models.

Teens stop being “just kids” when they start carrying guns. I’m all for fun, but the only danger should come with the preamble, “Hey, watch this…” not “I’m gonna put a cap in you if you don’t step off, brah.”

Are our kids that weird that they don’t want to go running around anywhere on the weekends? G is especially nonchalant about the concept. Tipper is only interested if her BF is going, and he doesn’t like going anywhere for very long.

Neither are we particularly harsh with limiting the kids’ activities. We don’t have to be. They don’t ask. That may well have something to do with being on the spectrum, but if so I’m not complaining. They’re well-behaved kids who appear to be enjoying their lives. We get excited when they actually want to do something outside the house.

I’m the only one who wishes they were out more. Figures, doesn’t it? Those that can get out don’t want to. The one person who wants to, can’t. I don’t remember the last time I was at a live music event. First Fridays seem like an ancient memory at this point. Staying out past 1:00 AM? That hasn’t happened in months. I’m missing me.

And it keeps fucking raining. The current forecast shows more rain around noon today. I guess this will be another day I’m forced to stay in bed, fighting off the pain. The level at which this sucks is immense.

Sigh. Fried chicken. I shouldn’t be craving fried chicken at 7:00 in the morning. Help me.

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/04/24

April 4, 2024

A Chill in the Air [original photo 2011 with AI background]

And more rain. It rained off and on throughout the day before mixing with sleet and snow toward the evening. Walking across the yard feels like walking on a sponge. Most of the day was spent in bed and even when I did manage to force myself to stay up I felt miserable. I couldn’t sleep most of the time; I just curled up in a ball under the covers. This is a horrible existence that feels like it will never end.

Finding things that I can eat is becoming more difficult. Yesterday, there were sufficient leftovers from Tuesday, which were leftovers from Monday. Today will be more challenging. There’s still no milk, margarine, or bread. I may have one full pot of coffee left. There’s nothing simple to make for breakfast or lunch and those are the meals when I am at my weakest. Standing at the stove and cooking is rarely an option. Don’t get me wrong, there is food in the house, but either it contains too much sugar, too much salt, or takes too long to prepare. Having to thaw an entire two or three-pound package of meat just for lunch is impractical.

I miss doing lunch. I miss a really good cheeseburger and fries. I miss a perfect cheesesteak with the onions grilled just right. I miss baked potatoes with everything on them. I miss fried chicken with mashed potatoes and greens. I miss barbecued beef tips. I miss hashbrowns, scattered, covered, smothered, and topped. I miss the Chinese buffet that has actual Asian people in the kitchen. I miss pet-friendly breweries with all the dogs coming in to say hi. I miss Chicago-style pizza. I miss Italian food served family style. I miss real food that didn’t have to be modified with sugar substitutes or no salt or no fat or low carb or fake milk. I miss sitting around a table laughing with friends.

Looking over that list, it feels almost as though I’m missing some of the best parts of life. I mean, what’s really left at this point? I’m having difficulty making sense of any of it. I’m going through all this suffering but there’s no promise that I’ll ever get back any of the joys I’ve lost. What’s the point of living if there’s no life left? Please, help me make sense of it all.

Kat went and visited her niece yesterday, the one I’ve not seen since she was brand new. She’s toddling now, jabbering, and reading books. She has hair and a delightful personality. She’s at an incredibly fun age, but I can’t be there. The risks for the baby are too high.

Three of the kids of birthdays this month: Ben, Tipper, and Big Gabe. I can’t travel to see Ben or Gabe. Tipper’s having a girls-only lunch on her birthday. We’re supposed to have a family dinner a week later, but there’s no way to know if I’ll physically be able to attend. If it were held today, the answer would be no.

Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo. It’s been over a year now and nothing feels like it’s getting any better. Nothing.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 04/03/24

April 3, 2024

Drying Off [2005, contrary to what the border says]

Before getting into the daily mush, it would be inappropriate to not mention that our thoughts are with everyone affected by the 7.4 magnitude earthquake early this morning in Taiwan. The latest numbers show nine dead and over 700 injured, US military bases in Okinawa could potentially be affected by tsunami warnings. This is the strongest earthquake in the region in 25 years.

Wind. After all of yesterday’s rains coming through and making the day miserable, we were hit with strong winds last night. I haven’t walked around the house yet to assess the damage, but it was strong enough to rip one of the secure points away from our front tarp on the carport. A loose corner on the back tarp was flapping so strongly that it sounded at times like distant gunshots. This made the Gang of Five extra snuggly but also meant that I couldn’t move

Sleep was fitful and confusing. I’d dream for a while then wake up totally confused. What day is it? Am I waking from an afternoon nap or is it night? Is this the weekend? Did I oversleep? Wait, where am I? When that happens one time during the night there’s no reason to be alarmed. When it keeps happening over and over, four or five times a night, it’s impossible not to be troubled. Is this a new side effect from the chemo or something else? Is this a symptom of something not yet diagnosed? With a body in the condition mine is, there’s no way to know without visiting a doctor and I’m not going to waste copay on that.

With the wind has come a deep drop in temperatures, so we’ll be staying in again today. I’ve already warned G he needs to dress warmly. I’d tell Tipper the same but she just shrugs and does whatever she wants. If she’s cold it’s her own fault.

Here’s a question for you: how much cologne should a young man wear? Earlier this year, the young men in G’s class were admonished about personal hygiene. Apparently, the coaches don’t like the fragrance of teen spirit. Now, he starts the day with so much cologne I can smell him from the other end of the hallway. I’ll admit that teenage boys have a natural funk unlike anything else. I’m unsure if those natural feromones are supposed to attract a potential mate or ward off potential attackers, but it is distinct. Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.

There is a lot of news crossing my desk this morning. My energy level and my diminishing level of cognition will play roles in determining what I address. The item at the top of my list at this moment is the whole Krispy Kreme/McDonald’s partnership. I’m just waiting for McD to slip a sausage patty, egg, and cheese in the middle of a donut. I’d definitely try one, then slip into a diabetic coma for a few minutes.

Another issue is that Grammarly, which I use regularly, is now flagging every adjective I use. They can kindly fuck off. The world needs adjectives, especially online since they are the primary method of describing depths of emotion, the severity of a situation, and just how much it pisses me off that they think adjectives are inappropriate. I’m not sure what adjectives did to deserve such hate, but it needs to stop.

Both kids are off to school. I need to refill my coffee. Stay tuned for more!

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