A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.—Brutus, Julius Caesar Act 1, scene 2, 15–19
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With the death of Julius Caesar, it seems the oracle’s prophecy came true, but what if he meant a different Ides of March?
Yeah, yeah, we all know the Shakespearian version of how Caesar’s death went down. If that version were true, one might wonder why an extremely superstitious person like Julius Caesar didn’t stay home from the Senate that day. Take a look at Plutarch’s Life of Julius Caesar, though, and the oracle’s statement lacks the drama ol’ Willie gave it. Transliterating the Greek into contemporary English, it comes off more like, “Hey, ya’ might wanna watch your step there around the 15th of March or so.” Go ahead, toss in a Brooklyn accent and give the oracle a wide-brimmed grey fedora to hide his face, just for effect. We can see where Julius might not have thought homicide was in the offing for the day.
We assume that since JC and Brutus had that fatal encounter that the oracle’s prophecy was fulfilled. What if that wasn’t the Ides of March the soothsayer had in mind, though? What if his divination applied to a time much further into the future, a time that an ancient Roman would not have understood, one where the calendar was the only thing he recognised? What if that most fateful of March Ides has yet to happen?
Granted, a number of other bad things have happened on this date. Russia’s Czar Nicholas II didn’t find March 15 especially hospitable. Czechoslovakia was effectively wiped off the map on this date in 1939. My guess is CBS show runners still steer clear of Les Moonves today after the network had the balls to cancel “The Ed Sullivan Show” on this date. If one is even the tiniest bit superstitious, it’s best to just stay home and nap, which is pretty much what I’d like to do.
There’s always that chance, though, that the worst is yet to come. So, just to stoke those fires of fear and imagination, here are a few things that could make the Ides of March much, much worse than being stabbed in the back by your best friend.
- A very clumsy knife salesman could show up at your front door. This is why it is smart to keep your front door blocked with litter boxes. At least, that’s what we do. Any danger attempting to come through our front door gets stuck in cat poop. So far, that’s been a very strong deterrent. I’ve not had a single knife salesman show up in the past two years.
- The Internet could die. There’s a tremendous amount of redundancy built into the structure of the Internet, but a significant amount of communication between the US and the rest of the world is carried through a series of trans-ocean cabling and a shit ton of financial transactions take place on the Internet using that cabling. Cut these cables and we’re looking at full-scale economic meltdown faster than you can say, “Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in?”
- Weather could happen, especially if you live in Southern Louisiana or Texas. I’m guessing Shreveport is a rather moist place to be today and Interstate 10 is closed in some places. Some 3000 people were being evacuated last I looked. Those folks are not having a good Ides of March, but then, the past seven days haven’t been much of a picnic, either. The rest of the world, from what I can tell, is doing rather well in the weather department.
- The FBI could ask you to unlock your phone. Okay, so maybe you’ve not actually killed anyone yet, but you might have expressed some frustration toward a certain presidential candidate or four and we all know the NSA is watching that crap so they don’t have a repeat of the whole Bobby Kennedy thing. So, they could show up and ask to look at your phone, just to make sure you were kidding, you know. Don’t expect Tim Cook to have your back, he’s rather busy.
- Your parents could have named you Isis. I’m sure there’s some poor person out there who is currently looking into having their name changed because their mother, who was obsessed with ancient Egyptian mythology thought it would be cute to name their child after a goddess. We all know someone who’s suffered a similar misfortune. Talk about having a rough time getting credit …
- You could be an unpaid intern for a certain loud-mouthed presidential candidate. Talk about a perfect storm of bad luck. Interns, by job description, get all the worst assignments anyway, but to constantly have to put up with all that hot air and not get paid is a fate that may actually be worse than death. Don’t put this on your resumé.
- Starbucks could take your favorite drink off its menu. There are reasons I drink my coffee black. So many people I know are absolutely addicted to a very specific blend that only Starbucks baristas know how to make. Take these people to Italy and they are soooo screwed. Starbucks is known for switching up their menu from time to time. If they remove the wrong things, thousands of people just might die, or even worse, stab their barista.
- Your photographer could tell you his Dropbox has been hacked and those nude pictures you took for “someone special” are missing. Worse yet, #NakedHousewives just started trending. “Lucy, you have some ‘splainin’ to do.”
- Your lunch could be recalled 30 minutes after you ate it. There have been a lot of food recalls lately. You never know until it’s too late. That single-serve lasagna sure looked healthy in the picture on the cardboard container. Maybe you should have just eaten the cardboard.
- This could be your real life:
These are just some of the reasons we should beware every Ides of March. One just never knows exactly which one that old soothsayer meant. No one bothered to ask. Damn you, Caesar. You’ve doomed us all.
A Doom And Gloom Kind Of Morning
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ —Steven Wright
Looking at the news first thing in the morning can make the whole day difficult
The day hasn’t really even started yet and already I’m depressed. When I turned off my alarm this morning, the first thing I saw were last night’s primary election results. I didn’t want to see that. I didn’t need to see that. I made the mistake of leaving Facebook up all night, though, and politics are the hot trending topic of the moment. This is not a positive way to start the day. I’m depressed now and may have difficulty making it to my minimum word count, which I usually exceed three-fold or more. I’m worried.
I’m worried about things over which I have no control and the fact that I have no control is what worries me. More than ever, I get the feeling that it is the primaries that are the more important elections this year. By the time we get to the general election in November we’ll be once more faced with a decision of choosing the lesser of two evils. When in politics, the good guy never wins. Â Why? Because people are stupid and vote against their own best interest every time.
So, as I’m looking for something, anything, to cheer me, or, at least, jar me from this doom and gloom morning, I run across an article from Business Insider: “5 Countries Where It’s Relatively Easy For Americans To Become Expats.” My first thought was, “Geez, someone flunked the headline writing course.” My second thought was, “Better bookmark this; it might come in handy later.
I’ve never really been one of those people who threaten to move if my candidate doesn’t win. That tactic has never worked for anyone. No one cares if you leave the country. In fact, I rather expect that for most people making those threats, especially alleged celebrities, there would be a reasonably lengthy line of people more than willing to help them pack. If you’re just moving across town, you’re on your own, but leaving the country as a martyred political dissident? You’ll have to turn the help away. No one likes a bad sport, even in politics.
Still, regardless of how this year’s elections turn out, I’m finding it difficult to put a positive spin on any of the possible outcomes. Faced with a partisan Congress that has its collective head stuck up its collective ass too far to do anything, President Obama seems reluctant to do anything that can’t be achieved by executive order. The economy, while currently okay, shows signs of fracturing in China and Europe, which could doom us all through no fault of our own. North Korea seems to be itching to start another war. Â Middle Eastern terrorists are pissed that they’re not making headlines in American newspapers as often. These are all things that November’s elections can’t fix, despite all the claims those loudmouths are making. All they can do is make a bad situation worse, which is probably what will happen.
So, okay, maybe leaving the country isn’t such a bad idea. Canada and Mexico both top the list. They actually have rather relaxed immigration laws, especially when it comes to Americans. They are much more accepting of us than we are of them. We could probably learn a lesson or two from them, but we’re too stupid, collectively, to be paying attention to that. The problem with either of those countries is that, A) they’re likely to become flooded with immigration requests at the end of the year, forcing them to be a little picky about who they accept, and B) having a member of a drug cartel as a neighbor is a bit too similar to where we live now.
A little country by the name of Svalbard is on the list. Don’t worry, I had to look it up, too. It’s a tiny place just North of the Arctic Circle. I can see why they’d have a wide-open immigration policy. I’m rather surprised they have enough people to even have a country. I would be worried that a place where the population is so small that everyone has to hold a political office of some kind just to cover all the necessary bases. I don’t want to be a politician, nor do I care to freeze my ass off year-round. I’ll pass, thank you.
Sweden’s on the list, which doesn’t surprise me. Sweden’s a nice place with a lot of amenities that help you forget you’re being taxed out the wazoo. They have a huge expat population and are very good at helping newcomers feel welcome. The recent wave of Syrian immigrants has taken a toll, however, and they’re part of the European Union, which certainly looks to be on the verge of economic crisis. Moving to Sweden at this particular moment might prove to be a case of trading a bad situation for a worse one.
New Zealand is the fifth country on this list and it just might be the better option. They seem to be having a rather serious skills shortage, so if you know how to do something, pretty much anything, they’ll happily hand over a permanent work visa. Granted, their seasons are exactly the opposite of ours, which means one can likely spend Christmas on the beach, butI think we can probably adjust to that. It’s technically not illegal to be naked anywhere in New Zealand, either, which may be an issue for those of certain points of view. That doesn’t mean everyone walks around topless, mind you, just that you’re less likely to get into trouble on those stressful days where you forget to wear pants.
The biggest challenge I see to moving to New Zeland is the cost of shipping your stuff so very far away. This isn’t a mere 10-hour flight from JFK. It’s a minimum 12 hours from LAX, and from anywhere else, such as Indy, just plan on losing 24 hours. Shipping costs are expensive, so you’d have to buy all new furniture and stuff when you get there. Ya’ might want to start saving now.
I still don’t see leaving the country as the optimal choice if for no other reason than not really wanting the US to become a nation of complete imbeciles, which is what happens if all the smart people like you and I leave. I’m not ready to pack my bags and leave my extended family members stranded. Â I would like to think there are other options.
But then, I look at the morning headlines again and see nothing but doom and gloom. Maybe if ya’ll would start voting more intelligently we could have a better day. This morning is just getting started. Maybe a presidential candidate will  slip  and fall and make us all laugh. That would make for a good morning.
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