Caring Is Just Too Difficult
Not all caring, of course. I care about individual people, how far it is to the nearest coffee shop, and whether one of the dogs has pooped in the hallway. There are always things to care about.
Caring is really difficult, though, when you don’t see any progress and when others who cared begin to give up, and you start feeling alone. Cancer of any kind is a long haul. You don’t really “get better.” You have good days. You have bad days. You’re in remission. You’re in relapse. And what worked for one person doesn’t work for you.
Particular to leukemia, there is a bone marrow disease, myelodysplastic syndrome, that can occur after chemo is completed. The disease can dramatically shorten one’s survival rate. But there’s no way to know if one is likely to get myelodysplastic syndrome until after all the chemotreatment is complete.
There’s also the drain that comes with longer terms of chemo, such as some oral treatments that stretch out at least two years. Two years is an eternity for friends and family who start wishing you’d just “get over it” or “start feeling better.”
People get tired of hearing you ask for help. They get tired of worrying whether you’re safe.
And no, you’re not safe. Ever. There’s always something to worry about. Are you taking your meds on time? Is insurance covering your meds? Do you need to adjust your meds? Will a dizzy spell hit out of nowhere? Will you fall? If you fall will you break something?
What’s more frightening than anything, though, is that people who care just give up and start walking away. Being emotionally alone is scary as hell. Sure, you may be in a “safe” environment, but you don’t know those people, and caring for you is their job, one that doesn’t pay enough, leaves them with sore feet and backs, and has an incredibly high turnover rate. How is anyone supposed to feel safe in that environment?
If caring is too heavy a burden, perhaps the answer is to just be alone, away from everyone. If we cut all ties, that saves everyone the trouble of caring, doesn’t it?
After all, no one wants to be a burden.
Sunday, January 12, 2025
What We Do Next.
G has developed an attitude that, as a parent, I find a bit disturbing but as a human, I find totally relatable. I was watching out the window yesterday as a group of men changed the tire on a car. The car was on the road, in the snow and slush. The jack, also on the snow, had raised the tire considerably higher than I would consider necessary. In my opinion, this warranted observation in the event that either the car or the jack slipped, endangering those changing the tire. I stood by, ready to call 911 should anything happen. I casually mentioned my concern to G, who responded with a callous-sounding “Not my problem.”
“Not my problem.” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard those words come from his mouth. What I’ve taken the statement to mean is something along the lines of, “Dad, I’m in the middle of a game. Don’t bother me if it’s not really important.” When he’s focused on something, he hates being distracted. I get it.
What I worry about is that attitude becoming a part of his worldview. There are already too many people who, upon hearing about the LA fires and the tragedies there, respond with, “Not my problem.” They had the same response when hurricanes ripped apart North Carolina last fall. Wars in Gaza and Ukraine? “Not my problem.” The world is going to hell. “Not my problem.”
‘Not my problem’ leads to an isolationist perspective that is dangerous. There has never been a time when it was safe to show no concern for anything or anyone outside yourself. If there is famine in one place, we must be concerned about feeding the people and solving the issue that led to the famine. Why? Because famine leads to disease and diseases spread quickly and easily outside the famine area. Why do we care if Russia invades Ukraine? Because if Russia succeeds in one place, it will quickly move on to another, such as Poland, and then another and another until it achieves world domination that benefits no one. Why do we care about Gaza? Because of the fact that should Israel get its way, an entire ancient and valuable people group could be completely and irrevocably destroyed.
Our entire civilization continues to exist because people care about the condition of other people. We have hospitals because people care. We have medicines and vaccines that work because people care. We have multiple modes of transportation because people care. When humans stop caring about anyone other than themselves, civilization collapses completely.
Does the attitude of one 16-year-old boy deeply engrossed in his video game put the world at risk? No, not at all. But the attitude of an entire nation that is only concerned with the wealth of 0.1% certainly does.
Monday begins the six-week celebration of humanity known as Maha Kumbh Mela. The Hindu sacred event draws over 400 million people to a sacred river. Hindus believe that taking a dip in the river secures their salvation, but all around the event, parties, and parades are celebrating the wonderfulness and spirituality of humanity. This is an amazing celebration of people who care about their souls, their neighbors, their country, and their beliefs. Mardi Gras, by comparison, doesn’t come close to the size and scope of Maha Kumbh Mela.
We need events that celebrate who we are. We need to be reminded on a regular basis that we do not struggle through this world alone. We need to remember that despite differences in our beliefs, where we live, and how we appear, we are still all one humanity, a fraternal gathering of both success and failure, an ecological system that supports growth and learning.
If a car falls on the person changing a tire, that’s my problem. If fire leaves over 100,000 people homeless, that’s my problem. If the price of coffee keeps going up, that’s really my problem. I don’t live in a bubble and neither do you. Exactly what we can do in any given situation might be limited, but we can always do something.
The Broadway musical, ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying‘ has a wonderful take on the whole topic and I think it’s an appropriate way to end this morning’s post. Me, I’ve got you, and you, you’ve got me.
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