Atlanta

We must do something about the terror that hasn’t happened

The following is satire. You should be able to tell that, but we’re taking this precaution just in case. Some of you have been watching too much Alex Jones, Suzanne.

The Short Version

First Bowling Green. Then Atlanta. And now, Sweden. The rate of non-terrorist activities by non-terrorists has accelerated over the past month to levels so dramatic as to demand a non-response. We must not do something and we must not do that something immediately before the entire world is out of control with non-activities not happening anywhere. The problem is real. Sort of.

Brace Yourself, This Isn’t Pretty

We thought we were safe. Right here, in Middle America, which looks nothing at all like Middle Earth, we thought we were safe. We thought we were protected. We thought we were healthy.

We were wrong. We were misled. We were fooled.

We didn’t know that there are non-terrorist all over the United States. Real people who dare to be non-threatening with their lifestyles. People we pass on the sidewalk every day who might well be on their way to doing something totally harmless and innocent. We never know.

They look like you and me, these non-terrorists. In fact, for all I know, you could be one of them. Are you? Would you tell me if you were? Can I even trust you with this article?

We are now a nation, nay, a world on edge. The incidents reported by the representatives of our White House administration have confirmed the severity of the situation on multiple instances now. The people who haven’t been lost. The crimes that haven’t been committed.

First, there was the Bowling Green Massacre. Oh, the horror! I can hardly bear to type about the tragedy as I sit here with my fourth cup of coffee this morning. Thinking about all that didn’t happen, the lives that weren’t ruined, the families that weren’t torn apart by that horrible, horrible non-incident, causes me to not shudder with fear. Bowling Green is so close to where we live, a mere four hours’ drive away if you don’t get caught in a speed trap just outside Louisville. How could something so non-earth shattering happen right here, right in our own neighbor’s backyard?

Then, not striking another blow to our heart, came the incident in Atlanta. We love Atlanta. We sort of lived there once, but stayed in outlying counties so we wouldn’t have to pay Fulton County taxes. Atlanta is very near and dear to us and it almost broke my heart to hear of the terrible tragedy that didn’t happen there. In fact, I didn’t know several of the people who weren’t killed that fateful night. They were all wonderful people who are now doomed to living wonderful lives all because some madman didn’t do something wicked that fateful night.

And now, just this past weekend, the level of non-terror escalated as it jumped across the not-a-real-pond known as the Atlantic Ocean and invaded Sweden with unseen force. Sweden is such a noble country, with lovely people who have immortalized fish by giving them their country’s name and possibly citizenship. They are endearing and attractive and frequently blonde. How could they ever fall victimless to such an excruciating level of non-terror in just one night? We didn’t want to believe it was true, but there stood our Commander-In-Orange declaring the non-tragedy himself. When the concern over non-terror reaches our nation’s highest office, we have no choice left but to pay attention.

We must guard ourselves against this non-terror. We must protect ourselves from the things that cannot invade us. Our government has proven itself unable to stop these repeated attacks of nothingness. They could happen anywhere. We never know when we ourselves might not become victims of some horrible attack by those evil and wicked non-terrorists. We are every one of us at risk. No one is safe.

What can we do? What should we do? I don’t know that there is anything that can stop this growing reign of non-terror. There are people all around us, every day, and there is no way to tell who might be a non-terrorist and who isn’t. It’s not like they all walk around with “I’m a Republican” bumper stickers on their asses. We don’t have the space to put all the non-terrorists in prison, or send them off to Guantanamo. Their numbers are too many. Non-terrorists have thoroughly infiltrated our society in ways we can’t even begin to imagine.

Still, there are some things we can do to try and minimize the consequences of these non-terroristic activities should they occur in our communities and among our friends and family.

• Call these events what they are: non-terror. Don’t try and sugar coat it by saying they were misstatements of alternative facts. We must face the horrible truth that there is non-terror among us or else we can never begin to eradicate it from our lives.
• Be vigilant. Look around you. If you think you don’t see something, don’t say something. You never know when your assumption of nothing might be correct.
• Beware of Faux News Network. Apparently, based upon reports from the Cheeto-In-Charge, they were the ones who shared inside information of the non-terroristic activity occurring all over Sweden. We suspect they are colluding directly with the non-terrorists in an attempt to beat other news organizations to the scoop on non-terror. The Faux Network looks to become the champions of covering nothing where ever it may occur.
• Be careful of what you smoke. I think the former prime minister of Sweden, Carl Bildt, was being very astute when he asked of #45, “What has he been smoking?” It may very well be that smoking certain non-tobacco products might make us more vulnerable to the non-terrorist events and their aftermath. We might be better off if we stick to smoking things that we already know will kill us.
• Don’t attack them before they don’t attack us. We have to consider the possibility that we have aggravated this increase in non-terror through our own aggressive actions. We’ve been trying to do something when, in fact, the better approach would be to do nothing. We must become passionate about doing nothing toward everyone who wants to do nothing to us. To help us do more nothing, we should consider removing from office the people who want us to do something, especially stupid somethings like building walls and hating people. Those are the very actions that led more people to commit acts of non-terror.

I cannot sit here and promise you that any of those things will work, though. My vision of a non-terror-free world may be a pipe dream. Non-terror could very well be the new non-reality. There is every chance that our children and grandchildren will grow up thinking that these non-terroristic events are the norm and will not think twice when they or their little friends become victims of non-terror. Oh, what a horrible, horrible world we leave them.

Still, we have an obligation to try. We have to spread the word about non-terror. We must call out non-terrorists on social media. We must confront non-terrorists in places of power where ever they may be.

We cannot afford to be silent. Non-terror has claimed too many non-lives. Speak up now. The world begs this of you. Do not be silent. See those buttons down below this article? Use them.