I tried to make up for being short by affecting a strut, by adopting the voice of a much bigger man, by spending more money than I made, by tipping double or triple at bars and restaurants, by dating tall, beautiful women. —Mickey Rooney
There has always been discrimination in dating, but when that discrimination turns to blatant racism we need to examine our motives
I’m not too big on giving dating advice for the simple fact that dating is not something I have to do with any great frequency. Sure, I’ve had enough duds and disappointments to understand the emotions attached, but I don’t have the endless horror stories that I know some people experience, either. My criteria are fairly simple: she has to be smart, attractive enough that I’m not afraid to take her picture, and not likely to crush me if she slips and falls. Kat fills those requirements quite nicely along with several bonus points. I’m happy, thank you.
I never was any good at all the dating apps everyone seems to think are the solution to their relationship problems, though. Over the years, I think I’ve tried them all. Match never sparked anything. eHarmony outright turned me down. Plenty of Fish tended to smell. And Tinder left me totally depressed when no one ever swiped right. Yawn. Over it. I fail to see the attraction.
Apparently I’m an anomaly, though, or maybe I’m just too old. For people Kat’s age and younger, those apps are a significant part of their lives and reading their profiles can be very revealing. Sometimes, perhaps a bit more revealing than they intended. While we expect people to be a bit discriminating in whom they might choose to date, when that discrimination turns to blatant racism then perhaps it’s time we seriously started questioning who we are.
Since I’m not on any dating apps regularly, I didn’t realize there was a problem until the issue popped up on The Daily Show this past week. Host Trevor Noah has not been shy in tackling the topic of racism at all levels of society, which is necessary. Too many people think we have gotten past racism when in fact it is still just as entrenched as ever, we just make more of an effort to hide it. At least, we did until this presidential election cycle in which being racist seems to be a key plank in some candidates’ platform. The Daily Show’s  Jessica Williams and Ronny Chieng applied their usual humor in exploring the topic. Take a look:
While the piece made me chuckle a few times, it also caused me to wonder just how widespread this problem of dating racism actually is. After all, I can see where the larger the sample, such as in New York or LA, the more frequently one might see the problem. Do the same signs show up in the Midwest as well? I knew the answer before I asked the question, but I went ahead and verified my suspicions anyway.
Checking up on racist dating isn’t easy for an aging white guy to do. First, I had to go back to all those apps, re-install them, and then request my passwords. Then, after updating my profiles a bit, with new pictures and such, I started looking at the profiles each app thought I should consider. Sure enough, the second profile I hit started with, “white guys only please.” Going on through, some were even more aggressive. “Asian men can keep their small dicks to themselves,” and, “Don’t talk to me if your whole family isn’t white.” Then, there were those who were outright offensive. I won’t bother repeating them. I spent less than 30 minutes on all the apps combined and found over 20 openly racist profiles.
What this shows is that not only are we more racist than I had realized, we’re also incredibly hypocritical. Ask people what they look for in a good relationship and they’ll almost always come back with the standard altruistic qualifiers such as kindness, intelligent, funny, hard working, good with children, and other such nonsense. Based on the profiles I saw, what women are really looking for is someone rich enough to take them nice places, has a house big enough for all their kids and pets, drives a nice car, is down for some kinky shit in the bedroom, and, oh yeah, had better be the right race.
A couple of things worth noting at this point. Obviously, being a straight male, I didn’t see any of the other guys’ profiles. I doubt I would be surprised, though. I’ve met too many men in the Midwest who wear their racism like a badge of honor. Also, the racist statements weren’t limited to white women. Black women, at least those in my immediate area, make the same statements against Hispanic and Asian men as do white women. Dating racism isn’t just “a white girl thing.”
What hurts is that we know better. There’s not a single one of us who wasn’t taught from the time we were very tiny that who we love isn’t a matter of looks or physical attraction, but a matter of hearts that are passionate for each other. I’ve often told Kat that I dislike the question, “Why do you love me?” Real love, where it dares to exist, has no qualifiers. We don’t love someone because they’re pretty, or tall, or a certain race. When we honestly, earnestly love someone, it is because we choose to love them. Period. End of statement. Love that must come with qualifications cannot be real for love must be pure or it doesn’t exist at all.
I know dating is difficult for a lot of people and yes, we are going to be naturally discriminating about certain qualities we find attractive. If we are being blatantly racist in our search, though, not only are we cutting ourselves off from really wonderful people, we’re also presenting ourselves as someone who hates. No one wants to date a hater. Someone who appears attractive on the outside and has hate on the inside is not someone most of us want even in our circle of acquaintances. No one needs a hater in their life.
This exercise made me really appreciate not being out in the dating scene. I saw a lot on those apps that was unattractive in so very many ways. I was rather shocked at how people chose to present themselves. Maybe it’s time for everyone to take a step back and consider who and what they really are. Find the hate and get the fuck over it. Not only will you be better for it, I dare say you’ll find the rest of the world more accepting as a result.
Good luck.
The Nightmare Of Being An Immigrant
Being an immigrant is never easy and fears within that community have never been higher
The kids arrived home from school last night all abuzz about seeing their friends. They actually enjoy school most days. However, Inside their backpacks was a note that I found rather chilling. They attend a very diverse, multi-cultural city school. If the administration felt it necessary to send home the following letter, they are obviously responding to a real fear among the parents of our children’s classmates. Here’s the text of the letter:
What to Do Next to Protect Immigrant Communities
As America faces challenges in our long fight to uphold our founding values of liberty and justice for all, the National Immigrant Justice Center (NIJC) stands firmly with the immigrant communities who make our country strong. Though the president has the discretion to unilaterally alter some immigration policies, he cannot change the law itself. We will advocate strongly with the new Congress to retail protections for all immigrants.
In the meantime, here are four important things to know right now:
[contact information for the NIJC is provided at the end]
A few things for those outside the immigrant community
First off, few of you are actually outside the immigrant community. Unless you are part of an indigenous North American tribal people, you’re part of the immigrant community so don’t go getting all huffy about immigrants. Someone in your family has been exactly where immigrants today are and they likely were just as scared. Being an immigrant in a new place, even if that place holds tremendous promise, is still frightening.
Beyond that, however, there are some other things we should all consider:
Where This Gets Personal
We live in a very multicultural neighborhood. Many are immigrants, including the darling little five-year-old who catches the bus with the kids. Her parents only recently moved to Indianapolis from New York because opportunities here were better. Yet, the day after the election, her mother confided to me that they’ve been warned to stay packed and ready in the event they might have to leave again. They are afraid to even unpack all the children’s clothes.
There are immigrants all around us. Indianapolis has been a very open and welcoming city despite the efforts of many in our statehouse to turn them all away. We rely on them for the services they provide and they equally rely on us to provide them with a safe and accepting community in which to raise their families.
Sure, there are a few bad apples. Ya’ know what, there would still be a criminal element without them. Every society on the planet is contaminated with those who would rather exist outside the law, so blaming immigrants is rather ridiculous and insincere.
Just as we have been quick to support women and our LGBTQ friends, we need to do the same for immigrants in our country. They’re scared. They have no idea what to expect from January 20 onward. Even worse, there are more than a few people out there who are willing to take advantage of that fear. Our immigrant population needs to know that we have their backs.
That the atmosphere has reached a point where letters such as this one need to come home is truly sad. This is our fault. We need to fix it. Please, support your local immigrant community however you can.
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