Nearly half of the American population is eagerly anticipating the end of the world. This dewy-eyed nihilism provides absolutely no incentive to build a sustainable civilization. —Sam Harris
Ooh, it’s #CyberMonday! This is your opportunity to buy stuff at cheap prices without getting trampled by fat ladies stealing rice cookers from three-year-olds! Oh, this might also be a good time to stock up on things for THE END times. Apparently, according to a fair number of people, that’s sufficient reason to panic. I’m not sure I exactly understand why. We’re just taking a month off. We’ll be back in January. Still, you might as well be prepared.
Having Kat as today’s #POTD is appropriate, I think, for a number of reasons. First, she has been a great help with getting through these posts all year. In fact, she even wrote a few of them. Second, this shot is THE END of a shoot we did back in August. Burberry had just leaped from Kat’s hands, having tired of being used as a prop. Third, she’s so freakin’ cute! If there’s one image to carry with you through THE END then this should be it.
But hey, for millions of people who are kicking themselves for not thinking of shooting up a Planned Parenthood first, this whole apocalypse thing is serious business. So, here’s our final list:
How To Survive THE END Times!
Stock up on all the advice we’ve given.
We’ve given a lot of advice over the past several months. Now would be a very good time to go back and begin taking notes. I’m not going to live forever, you know. Well, at least not on this planet. We’ll be posting links to some of our favorite articles on my Facebook page. I’m not saying there will be a test, but you never know when that advice might come in handy.
Bookmark your favorite posts in case of an emergency.
The Internet can be very difficult to index and our site doesn’t come with a table of contents. Fortunately, however, every post has its own unique address so that they can be bookmarked, added to your browser’s list of favorites, with the links stored on your own computer or mobile device. You never have to leave home without me! Isn’t that wonderful? Yes, I thought so, too.
Make sure you like us on Facebook and/or follow us on Twitter
We’re not going to leave you through these END TIMES without resources or ways of communication. We’ll still be somewhat active on social media throughout the month. Those of you into blasphemy can think of it as our holy spirit, or digital ghost, or what have you. We’ll post something at least once a day. Speaking in tongues not required.
Make the Almighty Google your best friend
Come to the Google. Only the Google can save you through eternity for Google is the permanent retainer of all knowledge. Once Google has indexed something, it never really goes away no matter what happens. Websites that haven’t been online for years are still indexed by Google and their images are still viewable in a Google search. All you have to do is enter my name and low, I am with you always, even unto the end of the Internets.
Order my books.
I don’t mention this too terribly often, but you know, I do have a set of books that I actually wrote myself. I didn’t risk “inspiring” someone else to do the writing. I actually created the entire contents myself. You can find them all right here and if you order today, use the code CREATIVE40, you might even get a discount. You can carry me with you anywhere, even without electricity.
Prepare for the possibility of an Internet outage.
I know, it sounds very scary, doesn’t it? Who would survive in a world without the Internet? We might actually have to go back to using libraries and reading books (see above). For those of you who only come here for the pictures, though, there’s another solution: order a print. We don’t have many available, because it’s just too difficult to keep up with a bunch of stuff, but you can get yours now if you act quickly, before the Russians cut the undersea Internet cables or something.
Contribute to my Holiday Sustenance.
This is not an easy task we undertake. There are thousands of options to consider, tens of thousands of images to re-consider. The hours will be long. Time shall be consumed. Our ability to sustain ourselves shall be challenged. If you’re really all that worried, though, we do accept gifts of chocolate, coffee, and most importantly, Scotch. We hold a very special place for those who bring us Scotch. Contact us for details.
Book a shoot for January.
I know you’ll miss me, and for some of you our absence is quite frightening. What if we never return? We will, and you can secure a place right here, in our studio, in front of our camera, simply by booking your shoot for January. Don’t worry about the cold or the inclement weather. We don’t make everyone stand in the snow. We have options. Book your shoot now and know that you have favor with the photographer.
Pray for the Second Coming.
Lo (because it’s too early to be high), I go to prepare a better place, for you. And if I go to prepare a better place, for you, I will surely come again and receive you unto my digital self so that you can feel as though you are here with me (even though you won’t be, really, because we just don’t have the room). Our target date is January 1, but things do sometimes happen. Pray nothing happens. Pray hard.
If all else fails, buy a camera.
We try to be cautious and stay away from danger, but there’s always that slight chance that I might be walking past a local mosque or Planned Parenthood and get taken out by some overly-religious right-wing terrorist wacko, aka Ted Nugent. Should the unthinkable happen, should the Internets completely disappear, you have my blessing to purchase your own camera, continuing in the faith and knowledge that I have taught you well. Carry on in my memory until I return.
Hey, it could happen. We’ve one more day. Be ready.