There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. —Billy Joel

Sex is wonderful, but it can almost always be better

I’ve noticed that the articles where we talk about sex are among the most popular. Everyone likes to talk about sex. I have a feeling, though, that’s more because everyone enjoys fantasizing about sex. Actual experiences vary. A lot.

There are millions of articles across the Internet addressing the topic of how to have better sex. Most of them say the same thing: Relax, communicate with your partner, blah, blah, blah. Those are all things everyone should know by now. If you don’t, you’re just not paying attention. If you’re not paying attention then you’re not going to have good sex.

I recently came across a female oriented article about better ways to reach orgasm. I’ve long been an advocate of men reading articles directed toward women, especially if your partner has already mentioned that they like the article. That’s a hint, guys. Read the fucking article! This particular article goes a little beyond the norm, though. So, let’s see if I can put a co-ed spin on their five topics. Guys, pay attention.

Set the Mood

To some extent, this is one of those areas almost every sex article mentions, and with good reason. Guys will have sex anywhere. Doesn’t matter how uncomfortable it is or how inappropriate the place may be. Aesthetics don’t bother guys at all. They’re getting sex. They’re happy.

Women, on the other hand, are very sensitive to their surroundings. While being spontaneous is okay on occasion, more often than not they want to be comfortable. They want their surroundings to be agreeable with what you’re about to do. This doesn’t mean it has to be in the same place doing the same thing every time. Vary the mood from soft and romantic to hard and passionate. There are dozens of options that will work for her.

Be sensitive, though. She may like it rough, but having gravel digging into her knees may be a bit much if she’s been on her feet all day. Music is nice, but if she’s been surrounded by noise something quieter might help her mood. This is all about her, guys. You know you aren’t as affected. Take care of your partner and get the mood right.

Get in position

This is where watching too much porn can get you into trouble. Rolling around on the sheets with a new position every two or three minutes isn’t going to do it for most women. Instead of being satisfied, you both just end up exhausted. If you’re perspiring, it should be from passion, not because you’ve completed all the steps to a 30 minute cardio workout in five minutes.

Position matters a lot to women, both in terms of pleasure and, if you’re trying, her ability to get pregnant (not that there are “safe” positions, mind you; don’t be stupid). Find the positions that feel best for your partner, three or four at most, and make those the focal point of your sexual adventure. Sure,  you can mix them up and try modest variations, but if the purpose is mutual pleasure then work the positions that excite your partner the most.

Guys, this is especially important if your partner has difficulty achieving orgasm. Your fiddling and wiggling around is a distraction. She needs you to focus on what you’re doing. Pay attention to what works and stay the fuck away from what doesn’t. If she’s crying when you’re done, you blew it and it’s most likely right here that you failed.

Try a New Sensation

Here’s a common predicament: Only one or two positions work for your partner, but then he/she complains that the sex is boring. Been there? More than a few people have. The solution to that problem involves a little bit of experimentation. If you grew up in a strict religious household, as I did, this may mean you need to do some research.

Fortunately, we live in the age of the Internet and if there is one topic on which the Internet is an endless source of information, it’s sexual variety. The biggest danger here is that your virgin eyes are likely to see something you’ll wish you hadn’t seen. You might also need to adjust the safe surfing controls on your web browser.

For many, the most simple sensations can have a dramatic impact. Being blindfolded delivers an element of surprise, and maybe even mystery. Being tied to the bed requires releasing control to your lover. Nipple clamps that are adjustable are a good way to get just the right amount of pain without going too far. Using her toys on her can be especially productive. The options are almost endless.

Use (Good) Lube

One often doesn’t realize the importance of a good lube until they’ve had an especially painful experience without it. Guys, this is the one time it may not actually be your fault. While I’m not sure I trust the various studies out there, somewhere between 40-60 percent of women have problems with vaginal dryness. This is a medical condition that sometimes, in extreme cases, requires a doctor’s attention.

What’s important is that you work the use of lube into your sex so that it doesn’t interrupt the flow. Have it handy, along with a towel or wipe, know how much to use, and how to apply it in an erotic and effective manner.

Even more important is that you use the right lube. This is where it can get tricky because not everything that’s advertised actually does the job. You should always use a water based lube. This is more sanitary, works well with condoms, and comes closer to working with a woman’s natural body chemistry. Be careful, though, of those claiming to have spermicides or increase erection times. The spermicides don’t always work and the erection aids often burn and can cause a rash.  Lelo has a good list of moisturizers.

Forget how You Think You SHOULD be Masturbating

Yes, masturbation is an important part of the sexual experience for a couple just as it is when one is alone. The problem here stems from the fact that almost none of us get any instruction in how to masturbate safely and correctly. Let’s face it, as difficult as it was to get the birds-and-bees talk from your parents, hearing them talk about masturbating would be excruciating.

Mutual masturbation can be the key to bringing your partner to orgasm, though. There are a number of reasons why the normal (and abnormal) sex positions don’t allow someone to reach orgasm. Stress, lingering fever from a recent illness, too much food or alcohol, too high, or being too distracted are some of the more common situations that can keep one from finishing well.

Masturbation allows one to relax, removes the pressure of performance anxiety, and focus directly on stimulating the areas that respond the best without wearing anyone out. Again, be sure to use a good personal moisturizer. This might also be a good time for some dirty talk if that helps. Don’t be too forceful, don’t grip too tightly, don’t be afraid to use toys to aid in stimulation, and don’t lose your focus.

Never Stop Learning

No matter how many  times you’ve had sex nor the combination of methods you’ve tried, there is always something new to learn. Be open to exploration both on your own and with your partner(s). We are fortunate to live in an age where healthy sexual relationships are encouraged, even if it’s still not exactly a topic of conversation for the dinner table.  Follow the path of what feels right for you.

Better sex is possible. There’s no reason to not start making it so today.