If a man belittles a woman, it could become a lawsuit. If women belittle men, it’s a Hallmark card. —Warren Farrell

Everyone wants to sue someone else and rarely is there a good reason

Everywhere I look this morning, someone is threatening to file a lawsuit against someone else. Of course, the big one in the news recently has been the threats on the part of the Republican nominee for President who claims he’s going to file a lawsuit against all the women who claim he sexually assaulted them. Most of us look at that threat as empty, yet another attempt on the part of the candidate to bully people because, you know, that’s all he really is: a big bully.

However, in response to that threat, there is news today that at least one of the women claiming to have been assaulted says that if the Republican candidate sues her, she’s going to turn around and file a lawsuit against him. She’s claiming emotional distress from him calling her names and such. Should any of this mess actually see the inside of a courtroom, which is probably won’t, she probably has a better case than the Republican candidate does against her.

Oh, and the candidate’s legal problems don’t end there. It would seem that some of his fellow Republicans don’t want to be associated with their party’s candidate in any way, shape, or form. So, when their party’s candidate created ads that imply there is a connection between the Congressmen and the Presidential nominee, the Congressmen threatened to, you guessed it, file a lawsuit. Understand, this isn’t just one Republican, which could be dismissed as petty. FIVE of them are threatening to sue. They’re claiming defamation of character. Go figure.

Oh, and just to prove we’re not all focused on politics, Suge Knight is threatening to sue Dr. Dre. Suge claims that Dre cut him out of the Apple deal for Beats by Dre. Understand, Knight is already in jail for the alleged murder of Terry Carter and claims Dre hired a hitman to remove his presence from this planet.

As utterly stupid as that whole mess sounds, we found some lawsuits that are worse. Americans can be really dense.

Budweiser Sued For False Advertising

I could almost see this one having some legitimacy if the beer maker was claiming that their beer actually tasted like something other than swill. They’re not, though. Instead, some dude in Michigan, whose brain, we assume, was frozen during the harsh winter they have up there, was upset because no bikini-clad models appeared out of nowhere for him as they did in the commercial.

No, seriously, he actually filed a lawsuit. You can read all about the damn thing here. Apparently, this guy doesn’t understand the difference between reality and fantasy.  I’m betting he still thinks all the girls on OkCupid are real, too.

The Cases Against Amusement Parks

A lot of people apparently think that amusement parks are easy lawsuit targets. My guess is that someone told them all they have to do is file and that the parks will settle out of court. Sounds like an easy payday, right? Uhm, not necessarily so. While the parks do often settle legitimate claims privately when they’re obviously at fault, they don’t just throw money at everyone who sues them.

Back in March, 2009, the Orlando Sentinel ran a story about all the crazy reasons people give when attempting to sue the many amusement parks in that area. The list is somewhere between amusing and unbelievable. For example, a man from Virginia sued Disney World in 2005, saying food poisoning caused him to gag so badly he ruptured his esophagus. Now, I’ve had some really bad food at amusement parks, but gagging hard enough to rupture the esophagus? Dude, just spit it out and move on.

Then, there was the woman from Hawaii who sued Busch Gardens-Tampa Bay in 2006, saying she contracted a rare blood disease when a wayward vulture from a trained bird show clawed her legs. I’m guessing the lady looked so close to death that the vulture was just going for an early snack. Yes, that’s a cruel thing to say. No, I’m not especially sympathetic.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why it costs an arm and a leg to go to an amusement park. All these ridiculous lawsuits raise the park’s insurance and, naturally, they pass that cost along to those who buy the tickets. YOU are the reason we can’t have nice things. Again. Stupid.

Some People Don’t Learn

We’ve all heard about the high costs of higher education. People are frequently graduating from college with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt and are unable to find a job. I’m sure we can all understand and appreciate the amount of stress that causes. However, one young lady decided, after a grueling three-month job search (cue: What I Did Over Summer Vacation) decided to sue her alma mater, Monroe College, for the $70,000 she spent on a BS in IT.

Now, this wouldn’t be the first time that a college has gotten into trouble for allegedly promising its graduates jobs, especially in WTF fields such as court reporting and “general business.” However, this child has a degree in IT. Given all the IT jobs available across this country, if she’s not able to land one of them one has to assume one of the following problems must have occurred:

1. She slept through all her classes and didn’t actually manage to learn a damn thing
2. She has absolutely no interview skills, which is saying something considering the field she’s in
3. She never actually filled out an application
4. She mistakenly thought the IT recruiters were going to come to her
5. She spilled hot coffee in the lap of every recruiter she met

Seriously, if one has any skill in IT at all, they should be able to get a job. Granted, it might mean moving outside the Bronx, which isn’t  exactly the IT capital of anything. Still, the openings in IT are so voluminous that almost anyone who can spell IT can get a job in IT.

Following The Leader

Still, even with a treasure trove of really stupid reasons for filing a lawsuit available on the Internet (seriously, it was one of the easiest searches ever), we have to consider the fact that honest, hardworking, intelligent people would rather stay out of court unless they have a legitimate claim. If the police kill your child while he’s playing innocently in the park, then yes, you have good reason to sue. If a drug company suddenly raises the price of a life-saving drug by 5000% for no good reason, then yes, drop the hammer on those sons of bitches. If the airbag in your car is more dangerous than carrying a loaded gun with the safety off, then by all means, someone needs to be held accountable. There are legitimate reasons good people file lawsuits.

What we’re seeing, though, is that the person who wants to be leader of the free world uses the threat of lawsuits to get what he wants: more money. If he can get away with it, and he has for years, then everyone else on the freakin’ planet is going to try and follow that example. As clogged up as the courts already are, the situation could get so very much worse. There could be lawsuits because one failed to mention how pretty the candidate’s wife is. There could be lawsuits because one dared to call a delinquent child a troublemaker. If the Congressmen’s lawsuit stands, that would open the door for people being sued just because someone called them a friend!

Is this really the kind of leadership we need, people who misuse the courts to bully others around? We both know damn good and well it isn’t. Watch how you vote, though. If someone doesn’t win we might all get sued.