G IS HOME! We gave him quite the welcome: everyone was gone. The doors were locked, and he had to crawl through a window to get in. How did that happen? I wasn’t expecting him home until after 5:00. He skipped his afterschool activities and game straight home, which is understandable, but it still caught me by surprise. We had a good chat, talking about alligators, kayaking, and the new games he learned to play while on the trip. There’s no question in my mind that this was a good experience for him. Now, he gets to start prepping for the PSAT next week.
Who wasn’t home? Kat or Tipper. Tipper went to a friend’s house after school with the understanding that Kat would pick her up after she finished at the salon. The problem with that plan was that Kat had a last-minute guest that pushed her all the way to 10:00 before closing the salon. By the time she picked up Tipper and made it home, it was almost 11:00 and I had already gone to bed. Tipper was still in a reasonably good mood this morning, despite Hamilton farting directly in her face. I’m not expecting as much from Kat, though. Today is her only day off all week. I’m gonna just stay away.
I wasn’t home yesterday afternoon because I was out taking pictures of the dapper Tony Shaw. This was the first time I’ve done any portraits of any kind in over three years. I wasn’t sure of the camera, the lens, or my ability to hold the camera still. This was a test I needed. I’ve looked through the thumbnails and am reasonably pleased with most of what we captured. But does this mean I’m ready to make a comeback?
I’m not sure. We were out a little over three hours, shot three looks, and dropped a little over 130 frames. From an efficiency perspective, I’ve still got it. But by the time I got home, chatted with G, and fixed dinner (which no one ate but me), I was extremely dizzy and seriously in danger of falling. During the last few minutes of cooking dinner, I should have called G for help. I wasn’t safe. I didn’t want to bother G, though, because I knew he was resting. I ate and took a nap, watched a little football, then went to bed.
Tony was a good person to have in front of the camera. He looks good from almost any angle, he doesn’t need a lot of coaching, and he has a great attitude that made my job a lot easier. How different would it have been if I’d had someone less experienced and more challenging? I don’t think I would have done as well. We definitely wouldn’t have gotten in more than two looks. I was able to rely on Tony’s creativity where mine was lacking. That situation is rare and if I’m not able to handle someone with little/no experience, am I really ready to come back? I know I’m not ready to book anyone else just yet.
Sitting here this morning, I’m still struggling. This is all cancer’s fault. If I were to feel this way without the cancer, I’d be checking with my doctor. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. That’s just par for the course, isn’t it? We’ve been battling this for almost two years so the symptoms shouldn’t come as a surprise. I want to be well, but wanting it isn’t enough. I felt good going into the shoot but was dragging by the time we finished. The conditions weren’t challenging, so this should have been easy. Why wasn’t it? Fucking cancer.
This raises the question of how long-term the chemo effects might be. My body has had two years to adapt to having the poison in my system. What happens when it’s gone? My fear is that I’ll have a boomerang effect where my body will respond negatively to the sudden shift. There’s certainly plenty of data to support that concern. There’s also a fair amount of data warning that some effects, such as fatigue and light-headedness, may never go completely away. We’ve known this for a while, but I’ve been hoping that I’d be among those who walk out with no ill effects. Now, I’m not so sure.
But then, we already know I’m crazy. Can my thoughts be trusted? Is what I’m feeling legitimate?
I looked through the news this morning and it all seemed so repetitive. The biggest takeaway is that everyone needs to vote. Election fatigue has set in and there are a lot of people, especially those on the lower end of the socioeconomic scale, who see no reason to vote because they don’t think either candidate is going to substantially help them in any way. Many fear that both candidates will make things worse for them. I can’t say that they’re wrong, but I do know that not voting is playing the victim to a crime that has yet to be committed. Over 15 million people have already voted. You should plan on doing the same.
And with that, I’m taking my meds and going back to bed, probably for the majority of the day. Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo.
And keep your fucking hands off my coffee. I’m not sharing.