I’ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and ‘I’m pregnant’. —Dean Martin
Millennials are accused of killing a lot of things. Some of them needed to be killed.
If I hadn’t pulled the article for reference yesterday, when I was still almost in a good mood, relatively speaking, I’d blame this whole article on the kids. You know, the seven-year-old who decided to play with lighting birthday candles at 2:00 in the morning. And his sister who refused to go to sleep after all the commotion. Damn kids. If I’m more surly and cantankerous than normal it’s all their fault.
However, those particular kids aren’t the ones we’re discussing this morning. Once again, we’re talking about Millennials. You know, the ones born somewhere between 1980 and 2000. These are the same kids that will comprise half the workforce by the year 2020. They are formidable, at least as far as logistics are concerned. They are also very different from Gen-X (those born in the 70s) and the Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1963). These dear children have ideologies and concepts sometimes directly in opposition to their parents and grandparents.
As with every generation before us, those of us who are older blame the destruction of the world as we know it on the younger generation. Our grandparents leveled that claim against us, with our rock-and-roll music and that long-haired hippy stuff. I’m sure their grandparents did it to them as well. This is a time-honored tradition that is a necessity if we are to continue progressing. However, millennials stand accused of killing a multitude of things. We’ve seen at least a partial list and it’s quite long. Millennials are murderers.
Those Meddling Kids
I know, I know. I’m sounding more and more like the old man chasing kids off his lawn. In a way, that’s what we’re all doing. When some things change, the things with which we are most comfortable, we’re going to resist; it’s our nature. Some of what has changed because of Millennials pisses us off. Damn kids. We have a right to be upset. Consider this list of things they’ve killed:
- Manners. Someone has said that Millennials have no class. This is a broad, sweeping generalization, the kind you’re not supposed to make. There are exceptions. As a group, however, they are totally void of any social considerations. They talk too loud. They are oblivious to anyone else. And have you seen these kids eat?
- Retail. No, seriously, it’s all the kids’ fault that Aeropostale was sold at auction yesterday. They don’t shop in stores, they shop online. They don’t pay full price. Bargain basements and second-hand shops source their wardrobes. They just don’t spend money, and for a group their size, that’s a very bad thing.
- Vacations. I can’t really say too much on this one. I’ve not had a real vacation since 2009. However, the problem is that not only are Millennials not taking vacations (they can’t afford it), they’re shaming those who do. That, dear children, is enough to make us collectively hate you. We’ve worked hard for our vacation time. Fuck you.
- Crowdfunding. Crowdfunding was a really great idea when it applied to unique ideas that were outside the mainstream. Damn brats killed that, though, by asking people to help pay for their weddings, or their honeymoons, or their boob jobs, or their flat tire. This is why we can’t have nice things.
Some Things Need To Die
Not everything that has died at the hands of Millennials is a tragedy. There are some of the things on that list that should have died long ago. Scream and yell at the kids all you want, we’re rather happy that some of these things have died, or at least fallen out of favor.
- McWraps and (maybe) McDonalds. McWraps definitely needed to go. That piece of pretentious self-indulgence was long over-due. Putting the whole fast-food chain into a nose-dive was a surprise no one saw coming, though. Millennials don’t like chemically-produced food products. Not a bad move.
- 9-5 Work Days. There remains some debate over whether the kids actually killed this one or just pulled the sheet over its head. Freelancing, job-sharing, and other creative forms of doing anything but working 9-5 is almost the norm now. Mind you, they still manage to work more hours. This is a good thing.
- Email marketing. This isn’t quite complete, but it can’t come fast enough. While Millennials check their email more frequently than anyone, they don’t click marketing links. Hell, half the time they don’t even open the email. Email marketing was always a numbers game but those numbers are almost impossible to reach.
- The religious right. Remember that whole Moral Majority thing of the 1980s? Dead. Gone. Fewer of these sinners attend church at all and those who do are far more likely to be part of a more progressive, dare I say liberal congregation. They have a different morality. They support a woman’s right to choose. LGBT lifestyles are their normal. Sorry, Newt, you can go decompose now.
Not Letting Them Off The Hook
Just because the damn kids got a few things right doesn’t mean we can let them off the hook for ruining the things we enjoyed. I’m still on the fence about them destroying network television as we once knew it. I just don’t get into the whole binge-watching craze. I rather agree with them on their concepts of dating and marriage, too. Their obsession over gluten-free and organic is a pain in my ass, though. I don’t like paying more for vegetables just because someone carefully measured the amount of shit that was dumped on them. And I like bread, dammit! And cookies! You just keep your tiny little hands off my gluten!
We also have to take them to task for this whole anti-vax thing. C’mon, kids, just because you didn’t like the ouchy shots doesn’t mean they weren’t good for you. And while we’re at it, the rest of the world would appreciate it if you’d actually discipline your own brats, now that you’re finally having them. We’re sick and tired of them talking back to teachers and other adults and swearing like little sailors. No, it’s not fucking cute. We’re not laughing.
Being the largest demographic group in the world carries a lot of responsibility. We Boomers should know, we had a similar effect when we came along and it cause problems for a lot of older people. There were too many times we didn’t think before we acted. Disco is a good example.
So kids, watch yourselves. We don’t care if there are more of you than there are of us. Have some consideration for the generation that made the choice to let you live. Trust us, there were plenty of times when we considered the alternative. Some days, we still do.
And stay the fuck off my lawn.
Pretty Tough Girls
When I was in college there was a girls’ flag football league. The girls were extremely aggressive. —Lynn Swann
All girls have a tough side to them – they need it for combating the bullshit thrown at them by men
All girls are pretty and tough. I’ve never met one who wasn’t. Neither the pretty nor the tough are always visibly evident. In fact, if we see one we tend to miss the other. Men, especially those of my generation and older, can be ridiculously one-sided in how we see women and that is evident in the way we treat them. Selling a girl short, though, is a mistake. I don’t have space to list all the pretty tough girls I know, but I want to highlight four who have my attention and deserve yours as well.
Let’s start with the girl in the picture: Cynthia Schmidt. If you’ve been around here very long you already know she’s one of my favorite Indiana models. When I first met Cynthia, she was only 18, fresh out of high school, obviously athletic, and far from fitting into any stereotype anywhere. She ended up joining the Army, ultimately going into the reserves, and proving she could handle anything the guys could dish out. She came back to Indiana for a few years then moved to Las Vegas where she became a star wide receiver in what is now the Legends Football League. If you think these girls don’t play real football, you’ve got some adjusting to do. As NFL Hall of Famer Lynn Swann infers above, these girls come to play some serious ball and aren’t afraid to hit hard. Last week, this video of Cynthia was released. I think it sums up both the pretty and tough quite well.
I have been Facebook friends with Cathy McNeil Stein for a little over seven years now. We almost met once, but that never quite worked out. I need to make that happen, though, because Cathy is one of those pretty strong girls who shapes pretty strong girls. Having received her Juris Doctorate from Harvard about the same time as some other prominent Illinois people with whom we’re acquainted, Cathy stayed out of the harsh light of politics and focused on the courtroom. She is very strong on women’s and civil rights issues, which, if I remember correctly, is how we became acquainted in the first place. Her opinions teach me to think in directions not inherent to my stubborn brain. What has impressed me more recently, though, has been her work as Mock Trial Coach for Timothy Christian High School in Elmhurst, IL. Talk about tough! This past weekend, she led her team to what I believe is their fourth state championship! What she is doing with the young men and women at that school, as well as at North Central College where she is an adjunct professor, is shaping minds that will hopefully be instrumental in moving the entire country forward. Perhaps one of these days I’ll get up there and take a picture of her smiling face. I just hope I don’t have to get arrested to get an appointment.
Another person on my list would be Cindy Whitehead. I still have no idea why Cindy sent me a Facebook friend request back in 2012. I’m fairly certain I’m more a fan of hers than she is of mine. She rarely comes this direction and I’ve not been back to California since we became acquainted, so I don’t have any pictures that I’ve taken of her and don’t know that I’ll ever have the opportunity. I do know that when it comes to pretty tough girls, Cindy breaks the mold. She is known to most as one bad-ass skateboarder. How bad-ass, you ask? This is the girl who got up one morning and rode her skateboard on the 405; as in Interstate 405, the multi-laned major North/South thoroughfare across Southern California. Cindy is also founder of Girl Is Not A Four Letter Word, an organization that encourages, supports, and facilitates women’s involvement in extreme sports such as skateboarding and surfing. Cindy has done enough noteworthy things in the past 25 years to fill a couple of books, which might be fun to write. I think, though, to best understand why Cindy rocks, you’d best listen to her for yourself. Here she is at a TED-x forum:
I’m closing this with the pretty tough girl who means the most to me: Katherine Franson. I’ll try to avoid the gushy sentimental stuff, though that’s rather difficult. When Kat and I met three-and-a-half years ago, I thought I was reasonably healthy. Sure, there were days when the arthritis was more problematic than others, but I assumed I was doing sufficiently well for my age and absolutely horrible lifestyle. Then, within weeks of moving in together, I injured my leg and that set off a chain reaction of medical complications we’re still fighting. I have never been so thankful to have a U.S. Marine in my life as I was those first few months, though. More than once Kat has had to lift my limp body off the floor, help me down the hall, and at times even help me get dressed. Through every bit of it, she’s been the tough one, pushing for me to get the care that I need, helping me make adjustments in how I work, and minimizing the pain and depression of having to do less. When we met, she rarely wore makeup. She didn’t like it. Now, here she is about to finish school so she can do hair and makeup full time. Pretty. Tough.
As I said at the beginning, every girl is pretty and tough. These are just four examples that really stand out for me. So, when you hear some lame ass presidential candidate talk about the “woman card” or how easy women have it; or when you hear some religiously-motivated former child-actor talk about how women should follow men’s lead, remember these four examples and know that they represent the strength and beauty, determination and resolve, intelligence and capability of every girl on this planet. Do not disparage them or fail to show them any respect. They already run the world, there are just some idiots who have yet to figure that out.
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