pop culture

---

Apple, the computer company, was initially designed to be exclusive. It uses parts not used in other competing products. It uses different software than competing products. It’s sold specifically through Apple channels. Even the power cords and headphones are exclusive to Apple. They’ve found a way to make exclusivity work for them. 

While it can offer certain advantages like unique access, loyalty benefits, or premium positioning, exclusivity also has its share of downfalls. These disadvantages can impact both businesses and consumers in various ways. Consider these points:

• Limited Market Reach  By definition, exclusivity restricts access to a product, service, or information to a certain group. This limitation can hinder the potential market reach and reduce the number of potential customers or users.
• High Costs  Exclusivity often comes with a higher price tag. This can mean paying a premium for exclusive products or services for consumers. For businesses, the cost of maintaining exclusivity, through measures like higher quality production, marketing, or distribution controls, can be expensive.
• Customer Alienation  Exclusivity can create a sense of elitism, potentially alienating customers who are either unable or unwilling to meet the exclusivity criteria. This can lead to negative perfections of a brand or service, impacting wider customer sentiment and loyalty.
• Dependence on a Limited Customer Base  Relying on a smaller, exclusive customer base can be risky. If these customers’ preferences change, or if they decide to shift their loyalty, the impact on the business can be significant.
• Barriers to Market Entry  For new entrants, exclusivity agreements, such as exclusive distribution rights or patents, can create significant barriers to entering a market. This can limit competition, which, while potentially beneficial for those holding exclusive rights, can stifle innovation and limit consumer choices.
• Potential for Complacency  Businesses that benefit from exclusive products or agreements might become complacent, relying on these exclusivities rather than continuing to innovate or improve their offerings.
• Legal and Ethical Issues  Exclusivity can sometimes tread into legally complex or ethically questionable areas, particularly if it leads to monopolistic practices or significantly restricts consumer choices in a market.
• Limited Consumer Choice  From the consumer’s perspective, exclusivity can limit the range of products or services available to them, either due to high costs, geographic restrictions, or other barriers to access.

While exclusivity can be a powerful strategy for creating perceived value and differentiating offerings, it’s important for businesses and policy-makers to carefully consider these potential downfalls and strive for a balance that maximizes benefits while minimizing negative impacts.

While that’s all well and good, I’m not exactly known for being a business guru, am I? So, why would I go to all this trouble of defining the problems with exclusivity?

Because the same problems apply when we start talking about our personal relationships. There has been, as long as relationships have existed, a sense that exclusivity is a critical and unwavering part of our relationships. We talk about loyalty. We grow angry at the idea of cheating. We refer to our partners as “my” boyfriend or girlfriend. We use the language of possession that has been passed down for centuries even as we proclaim that we are independent individuals capable of being our own people without the influence of a spouse.

Furthermore, we enjoy applying exclusivities in the process of dating, our ways of “culling the herd” in hopes that we might find a partner who best fits with what we expect, and what we demand in a relationship. We don’t want any odd person who we might happen to bump into on the street. No, we exclusively want to partner with people of a certain height, or body mass index, or a given race, or specific religion. We use these levels of exclusivity to narrow the list until we believe we have found one that sufficiently meets our needs.

Consider, if you will, the possibility that exclusivity in relationships holds many of the same pitfalls as one sees in matters of business. The dangers are definitely there. In fact, exclusivity can doom our chances for long-term relationships before we’ve had the first date. Unlike business relationships, where committing to certain changes in operation or product is not unusual, asking someone to make a personal change in order to be with another is less likely to be stable. Time may prove that one’s ability and/or desire to change is not adequate and, when change fails to occur, the relationship dissolves. 

Furthering society so that we might fully experience our whole selves requires putting aside the sense of exclusivity we apply in many of our relationships. This is not a perspective that is normal in Western society. We like to think we can improve upon the existing model without giving up the portions that don’t work. We want a good relationship without giving up the bad habits. Put away the old-fashioned concepts of romanticism and let’s look at how exclusivity is bad for relationships.

Limited Choice

One of the first things that exclusivity does is limit our choice of partners. The instant we think, “I’m only going to date people who _______,” we limit the possibilities of what could be. We think we’re eliminating traits that are not compatible with what we want in a relationship, but what we are doing is generalizing, putting people into categories with the assumption that they’re all the same. 

A frequent limitation is religion. I have personal experience with this one. Growing up as a pastor’s son, there was immense pressure to only date someone who was of the same Christian denomination as my parents. This expectation was so intense that anytime I mentioned being interested in a young woman, my mother’s first question would be, “Is she Baptist?” I’m not sure my mother would ever have accepted anyone from any other belief system as a daughter-in-law. 

I know I’m not the only one who has faced similar limitations with expectations of exclusivity that may not be our own. Some cultures have made such exclusivity so severe that social shunning, disinheriting, and even death may occur if the exclusivity isn’t upheld. For some, the explanation is that they must “uphold and continue the bloodline,” but of what real purpose are such bloodlines other than to deny rights to those outside those bloodlines?

One philosophy exists that says we cannot know who/what we truly love until we blind ourselves to the limitations we’ve put in place. If we remove our inherent prejudices and consider the whole individual, we open ourselves to finding a partner/s with whom we’re genuinely compatible.

Legal and Ethical Issues

As incredible as it may seem, societies remain that encode in law which one may marry. Primarily, these laws exist in places that are under theocratic control, which itself is a severe ethical issue. They primarily perpetuate the notion that women are property and have no control over their lives. As they see it, this restriction is necessary to continue the growth of the religion. In a couple of cases, bloodline comes into play as well, but even within that exclusivity, religion is a primary ingredient.

Such limitations are inherently in violation of a person’s human rights. When stating that one has the right to believe, one must include that one also has the right to not believe. Anything else violates that person’s humanity. Governments and religions, corporations, and political parties have no right to make demands that violate personhood. It is sad that even in the US, the right for people of different races to marry has existed for fewer years than I’ve been alive. The right for people of the same gender to marry has existed in the US for less than a decade.

When we try to apply any form of exclusivity to sexuality and relationships on a large scale, we flirt with the possibility that we might infringe upon the civil and human rights of one or both parties. How is that a stable way to start a relationship? This goes beyond the question of personal preference. When matters of exclusivity become law, we are denying rights to the group of people affected. 

Potential for Complacency

I’ve known people who could eat a cheeseburger every day, from the same restaurant, and never grow tired of it. I’ve known other people who wouldn’t think of eating the same thing for two days in a row. When we set exclusivity limits in our relationships, we are essentially doing the former, deciding that we are good at dealing with the same person with all their faults and shortcomings, because we like who they are at the core. Some call this love. Others call this settling. Either way, the potential for complacency is there and it can destroy relationships.

Complacency doesn’t set in right away, of course. One has to commit to the repetition, not just of the who, but what. Being with the same person day after day doesn’t get old if what we get from that person changes. Using the restaurant example again, one can go to the same place, the same coffee shop, the same burger joint, every day but not get tired because there’s more than one thing on the menu that you like. When I go to my favorite coffee shop, the barista knows that I’m going to choose between strong black coffee and a carrot cake chai, depending on how I’m feeling. If I ever grow tired of those choices, there are other options. That minimizes the chances of complacency.

When we are with people who grow, people who challenge themselves, and people who reach beyond the borders of the norm, then we are significantly less likely to become complacent. But when we are with people who do the same exact thing, even if it starts out thoughtful, every day without changing, we start taking things for granted. 

For example, I once knew a young man who brought his bride a single red rose starting immediately after they were married. Every day, on his way to work, he would stop by the local florist, pick the most perfect rose he could find, and have it sent to her. Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? At first, it was lovely; she gushed with excitement each time a rose arrived. Over time, though, especially on days when she was busy, the roses weren’t as special, she began to neglect them, wouldn’t treat them as gently, and threw away the dying ones sooner than she had before. 

One day, as they were arguing over something trivial, she told him to “take your stupid roses and shove them up your ass.” His gesture had become ordinary and unappreciated. Their relationship had become complacent (not only regarding the roses). 

Our lives yearn for variety. We want things to be different, preferably better. We long for excitement that exclusivity doesn’t provide. When this happens, we get bored, cranky, and dissatisfied with the very things that once we found attractive. 

Just as companies with exclusive contracts have to continually improve their product and their service, relationships, even the best of them, have to grow and improve to prevent becoming mindless habits that we do simply because we don’t know how to do anything else. Relationships end because they no longer feel worthwhile. The value is lost, so we start looking elsewhere.

Barriers to Market Entry

Young people of many generations were raised with the idea that their primary goal in life was to get married and have babies. What else was there to do? In the centuries when women were discouraged from working, the dream was to find a husband who wouldn’t beat them too often and might provide them with a comfortable place to raise their children. The bar was set pretty damn low. For men, the goal was to find a wife who would be the perfect accessory to their lives, look good at social events, bear beautiful and intelligent children, and always have a delicious meal ready at the end of the day. 

These ideals were so engrained that if one reached the age of 16-18 and did not appear to have any prospects, then anxiety and worry began to set in. If none of the people from the preferred group met all the exclusivity criteria, such as the correct religion and an honorable family, then one would have to look at the next group down on the social ladder, and then the next, and the next. The problem with this approach was that with each subsequent group, the chances of finding someone who met the exclusivity requirements grew more difficult. Looking for a virgin? Good luck! Looking for someone who cooked like your mother? Probably not going to happen. 

Soon, a thought creeps in: what if I don’t find anyone? We start feeling desperate. We look at our list of exclusivities and begin removing barriers we are willing to live without. As soon as we find someone who is willing to go on a second date, we start planning the engagement and wedding before they have a chance to change their mind.

How much better is it when we toss the idea of exclusive traits and personalities out the window before we even start looking? One of the improvements among some younger generations is that they were empowered to not give in to the dangerous relationship norms of their parents and grandparents. The world is different, so focusing first on employment isn’t a social horror. Putting off having children is generally considered an intelligent move. Not having children at all actually becomes attractive. And who wants someone who doesn’t have a clue what they’re doing in the bedroom?

Even today, some 40 years after the fact, I still wonder what would have happened, how my life might have changed, had I dropped my own exclusivity barriers and dated the girl to whom I gave my senior ring. My reasons for dropping her seem petty now. I was being too exclusive and might have missed out on a wonderful relationship… or a complete nightmare. We never know at the beginning exactly how things in a relationship are going to turn out, but if we are exclusive in our dating habits we automatically eliminate what could be the best relationship of our lives. 

Dating multiple people, possibly at the same time, also needs to be more of a norm. When we latch our hooks into the first person who makes it to the third date and makes the relationship exclusive, we cut off access to those who might be a better fit. Unfortunately, there’s a double standard in dating around. For men, the habit is considered normal, considering his options, sowing his “wild oats,” and waiting for just the right person to “take home to Mom.” Women, on the other hand, are slut shamed for dating too many people. What bothers me even more is that it is often other women who do the shaming. Doesn’t a woman have every right to be noncommittal? Setting up artificial barriers to entry through this kind of exclusivity is a sign of immaturity and narcissism. Who in their right mind wants that?

Dependence on a Limited Customer Base

“You can only date people who are of the same sect of religion as your family.” Growing up, I heard this all the time. “You can’t date a catholic, they’re not a real Christian.” “You can’t someone from the Assemblies of God because they speak in tongues.” “She seems like a nice girl but her church believes you can lose your salvation.” The list went on and on and on. I was expected to exclusively date Southern Baptist girls. From the outset, I had to deal with a limited “customer base.”

The choices grew more narrow from there. Could she cook? Could she sing? Was she suitable for a life of ministry? With each question, the pool grew more and more narrow, and finding someone who liked me as much as I liked them, and was willing to admit that in public, grew increasingly difficult. 

Around the world, young people are facing the same demands from their families, their mosques, their synagogues, and their friends to look within such an exclusive group of people that it is no wonder some prefer to rely upon arranged marriages. The pool of people they might be compatible with is so small that the best match may never be found. 

Forced exclusivity is also dangerous. When we are forced into such limited choices, the chances of partnering with someone who is ultimately controlling and abusive go up considerably. Religious cults operate heavily this way, making it almost impossible for an abused woman to leave a dangerous relationship. Even more frightening is that in many religions, failure to adhere to the exclusive expectations can result in more abuse and even death. There remain plenty of countries in which fleeing from family and religion can become a self-imposed death sentence. 

Interestingly, religion survives on such exclusivity. Take away the forced marriage requirements and most religions quickly fall apart. Young people are smart enough to see the fallacies of their teachings, the limitations to their personhood and individuality, and the lack of freedom that these religions impose under the guise of “god’s will.” Providing them safe means of escape is difficult but a laudable venture.

Customer Alienation

“They need to get that fucking stick out of their ass.”

Are people saying that about you? In an age of online dating and social media, managing how other people perceive us can be a full-time job. Are we posting too much or too little? Does my hair look good? Is this the best filter? Do I look fun and exciting?

Sadly, one fairly common attitude is to make oneself look as exclusive as possible. I understand wanting to match with someone who has the same goals and interests, but some of these other barriers border on being ridiculous. Here are a few that I’ve seen:

• I only date people who are (black, brown, red, purple, green…)
• I only date people who are committed to the horror genre.
• I only date people who are conservative/liberal.
• I only date guys who have their own house and 401k.
• I only date girls who put out on the first date.
• I only date non-practicing Jews. 
• I only date people who remind me of my Mom/Dad.
• I only date people who drive (insert vehicle here).
• I only date people who know how to change a tire.
• I only date people who can take me on expensive vacations.
• I only date people over/under age ____.
• I only date people who truly appreciate how beautiful I am.

There are so many ways to try to make oneself look exclusive, but when we do we need to be aware that not everyone is going to find your exclusivity attractive. In fact, the more exclusive we try to make ourselves, the more likely it is that reasonable people will turn up their noses and walk away. No one wants to be with someone difficult to please. I think of this every time I see someone on social media complain about how difficult it is to find someone who meets their criteria. Perhaps, my dear, you’re making yourself too difficult to be likable.

High Costs

Some people’s lists of exclusive demands are so severe that being in a relationship becomes expensive. For example, there are plenty of people who insist on only dining in the best of restaurants. They would never consider even a mid-market eatery such as TGI Fridays or Applebee’s. Every once in a while, nice restaurants are fun, but every night? Really? That’s a little too exclusive, don’t you think? And no, sweetheart, you don’t deserve it. 

Life is expensive, especially if you’re under 45. Expecting the person in your relationship to do things like pay half your rent when they’re not living with you, buy you expensive presents, and take you to expensive concerts and vacations, without you compensating in like form isn’t only an impossible level of exclusivity but it’s just mean.

Being able to appreciate the simpler things in life is an admirable characteristic that makes one more attractive. Can you be happy with homemade tuna salad sandwiches? Bonus points. Do you drive the same car until the wheels fall off? Bonus points. Are you not afraid to shop at Goodwill or vintage boutiques? Bonus points. Do you do your own shopping? Bonus points.

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating and enjoying the finer things in life. We appreciate nice things more, though, when they’re not an everyday thing. As I’ve already mentioned, when we get nice things all the time, we become complacent and increasingly narcissistic. 

Such exclusivity is horrible for a relationship. What happens if the economy takes a downturn and all that money is lost? What happens if your partner loses their high-paying job, or any job for that matter? What happens if, heaven forbid, your partner becomes ill or disabled? Are you so intent on being exclusive that you’d kick a person to the curb for not being able to keep up with your financial expectations, or would you stick with them through the struggles even if it causes you stress?

Giving in to exclusive demands hurts us just as much. When we give in to unreasonable requests, we lose part of our autonomy. Do that enough times and you lose your identity, becoming nothing more than “that person’s partner.” What is the cost of your individuality? Are you willing to completely give up who you are to be part of a relationship? Being in an exclusive relationship should never feel as though you’ve sold your soul to the devil or anyone else.

Limited Market Reach

If it wasn’t obvious before, it should be by now that exclusivity in relationships is limiting in ways that are unhealthy, undesirable, and unsustainable. When we make our relationships exclusive, we turn away from other options. As we see fewer people, fewer people see us. The fewer options we’re willing to consider, the fewer options we have for ourselves. 

The world is full of people and even if you’re compatible with only 0.5% of the people on the planet, that is somewhere around 368,000,000 people for whom you might be the perfect partner! With an opportunity like that, why would anyone want to limit the options with unnecessary rules about who you will and won’t consider? Sure, you may not have the time nor the means to get to know 368,000,000 people, but 3,680 makes a reasonable pool size, don’t you think? Why limit yourself with these exclusionary rules? Wake up and embrace the possibilities! There’s no sense in making a life more difficult than it needs to be!

Exceptions

Sure, there are some exclusions we all need to make. No one needs to be stuck in a relationship with anyone who puts their life in danger. People who are abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, demanding, demeaning, derogatory toward you, isolating, insulting, and/or gaslighting need to be kicked out of the relationship pool altogether. Even if you made the mistake of saying, “Till death do us part,” don’t let yourself be trapped. If a relationship becomes dangerous for you at any point, it’s time to leave. If you can’t leave on your own, find help. It’s out there.

Exploring the Options

You’re never too old to try something, or someone new. The options are myriad. You can have relationships with more than one person. You can have relationships with people of multiple genders (or no gender). You can swing. You can play. You can explore within set safety limits. All manner of options are out there if you choose to explore something other than exclusivity.

What’s most important is that we first be honest with ourselves: what makes us truly happy? If we don’t know, then it’s time to find out! To hell with being exclusive! See what really makes you happy and go for it.

---