Morning Update

Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 04/03/24
April 3, 2024

Drying Off [2005, contrary to what the border says]

Before getting into the daily mush, it would be inappropriate to not mention that our thoughts are with everyone affected by the 7.4 magnitude earthquake early this morning in Taiwan. The latest numbers show nine dead and over 700 injured, US military bases in Okinawa could potentially be affected by tsunami warnings. This is the strongest earthquake in the region in 25 years.

Wind. After all of yesterday’s rains coming through and making the day miserable, we were hit with strong winds last night. I haven’t walked around the house yet to assess the damage, but it was strong enough to rip one of the secure points away from our front tarp on the carport. A loose corner on the back tarp was flapping so strongly that it sounded at times like distant gunshots. This made the Gang of Five extra snuggly but also meant that I couldn’t move

Sleep was fitful and confusing. I’d dream for a while then wake up totally confused. What day is it? Am I waking from an afternoon nap or is it night? Is this the weekend? Did I oversleep? Wait, where am I? When that happens one time during the night there’s no reason to be alarmed. When it keeps happening over and over, four or five times a night, it’s impossible not to be troubled. Is this a new side effect from the chemo or something else? Is this a symptom of something not yet diagnosed? With a body in the condition mine is, there’s no way to know without visiting a doctor and I’m not going to waste copay on that.

With the wind has come a deep drop in temperatures, so we’ll be staying in again today. I’ve already warned G he needs to dress warmly. I’d tell Tipper the same but she just shrugs and does whatever she wants. If she’s cold it’s her own fault.

Here’s a question for you: how much cologne should a young man wear? Earlier this year, the young men in G’s class were admonished about personal hygiene. Apparently, the coaches don’t like the fragrance of teen spirit. Now, he starts the day with so much cologne I can smell him from the other end of the hallway. I’ll admit that teenage boys have a natural funk unlike anything else. I’m unsure if those natural feromones are supposed to attract a potential mate or ward off potential attackers, but it is distinct. Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.

There is a lot of news crossing my desk this morning. My energy level and my diminishing level of cognition will play roles in determining what I address. The item at the top of my list at this moment is the whole Krispy Kreme/McDonald’s partnership. I’m just waiting for McD to slip a sausage patty, egg, and cheese in the middle of a donut. I’d definitely try one, then slip into a diabetic coma for a few minutes.

Another issue is that Grammarly, which I use regularly, is now flagging every adjective I use. They can kindly fuck off. The world needs adjectives, especially online since they are the primary method of describing depths of emotion, the severity of a situation, and just how much it pisses me off that they think adjectives are inappropriate. I’m not sure what adjectives did to deserve such hate, but it needs to stop.

Both kids are off to school. I need to refill my coffee. Stay tuned for more!

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Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 04/02/24
April 2, 2024

The Travesty of Morning [2010]
The Travesty of Morning [2010]

After waiting all fucking day, putting off things we might have gotten done, it finally started raining around 11:00 last night and it has yet to stop. I just took the dogs outside. The yard is a swamp. Up the road from us, a lake has formed. I feel especially sorry for G who has to walk the quarter-mile to his bus stop in a few minutes. Thunder still rolls across the night sky.

I’m not sure how much sleep any of us got last night. Kat was up for most of it. G was up at 12 and 3, finally giving up around 5. I was able to at least stay in bed, dozing in and out. All the meds weren’t enough to induce sleep through all the pain. In a battle of arthritis vs. chemo, arthritis is definitely winning. Let’s set that pain level firmly at 10 and hope that it doesn’t go any higher. Tomorrow, it turns cold again. I feel like the weather has a personal vendetta against me.

We’re still 10-15 days from having any money in the account, assuming Social Security actually comes through. I don’t have any amount of faith in the system. We’re out of bread, margarine, and milk. I’m cutting back on coffee because that’s getting low as well. It’s not that we’re out of food, but that the food requires the addition of certain staples to be prepared and we don’t have the staples. The dogs will need food by the end of the week as well. This level of need is hurting almost as much as the arthritis. Right now, 10-15 days might as well be forever.

I feel really bad sending G out in the storm. If I still had a car I could at least take him to the bus stop. But no, not only can I do little to help myself, I can’t help anyone else, either. We’re hoping that Tipper’s bus shows up on time today. Yesterday, all the buses from her school were late because, get ready for this, the bus company didn’t know that school was starting back after spring break. How is that even possible? I’m sure they were given the same schedule as the rest of us.

Remember when things like this didn’t annoy us? We could play out in the rain and have a good time! Getting soaking wet was part of the fun. Now, I sit here still shivering from having taken the dogs out 30 minutes ago. This whole aging thing is for the birds.

I can take more meds again in an hour. At least I’m still alive, right?

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Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 04/01/24
April 1, 2024

WE DELIVER all night [2010]

I’m cured! I’m healthy! I’m rich!

April fool!

The weather threw us a curve last night, as well. All the fun stuff went right around us. There are still storms forecasted for later this morning, but it’s doubtful they’ll be too terribly strong. My biggest concern is the possibility of the kids getting wet when they get off the bus this afternoon. Other than that, the day should be reasonably quiet for the first of April.

As holidays go, yesterday had to be one of the most boring ever. The kids didn’t give a shit and stayed in their rooms most of the day either playing games or, in Tipper’s case, painting. While the afternoon cleared up and gave my aching bones a break, the only way I had to enjoy it was to join the dogs in lapping the house a few times. Am I really complaining? Not sincerely. As holidays go, Easter is toward the bottom of my list. I wouldn’t miss it if it went away. I would miss the chocolate bunnies, though.

What’s frustrating is that we needed milk by late yesterday afternoon and couldn’t get any. Almost all the major stores, including Target, were closed. The older I get, the more I resent this forced observation of a holiday that means nothing to me. I’ve been around long enough to know that no matter the holiday, including xmas, there are almost always enough people who would rather work than have to deal with family or religious nonsense. I can promise you that I was far from being the only person sitting around by themselves, and even among those who weren’t, many would just have soon been making money. Forcing people to observe a holiday that doesn’t affect them is wrong.

Consider that we’re smack in the middle of Ramadan. What if we were all forced to fast during the day? What if there were no restaurants open until after sundown? Worse yet, my dear heavily inked friends, what if there were pop-up shops outside your work so you could get those “sinful” tattoos removed from your body? That’s actually happening in India and other places around the world. If you wouldn’t want those celebrations forced on you, why the hell would you think it’s okay to force your celebrations on anyone else?

Now, if you want to celebrate, fine, go ahead! Businesses should allow you the space and means to do so without any penalty. I don’t have any objection to you celebrating anything you wish to celebrate. Some, such as dancing naked around a bonfire, I wish more people would celebrate. But there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to get the milk and butter we need because the stores are closed for a holiday I don’t observe.

Not that it matters. I’m just an old man shaking his cane at the clouds as they pass. Pay no attention. I’ll get over myself as soon as I’ve had enough coffee.

Be glad I have coffee.

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Holidays  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/31/24
March 31, 2024

Happy Easter & Trans Day of Visibility

Ready, Set, Spring [2007 original photo with AI background]

Yesterday was not a good brain day. I try to have one additional post every day so that you don’t look over at the list of recent posts and see a string of Morning Updates. That wasn’t possible yesterday. My brain could not complete something as simple as sharing a YouTube video. There was no solid cognition. I’d read something and the content would immediately be gone. I’d watch a video and have no idea what I’d just watched. I baked chicken drumsticks for dinner and forgot to add any seasoning (we still ate them). I forgot to put my phone on the charger before going to bed. The dogs did remind me to take them outside, so that was done, but I can’t claim any other completed objective for the day.

In fact, yesterday was such a bad-brain day that I almost considered running for president. 🤣

Today isn’t starting off much better, just in a different way. It’s raining. The arthritis pain kicked in a little after 4:00 this morning. My overall pain level is sitting at an eight. There are still meds I can’t take until after I’ve eaten breakfast, but it still doesn’t bode well for the day. My typing is slow. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to play for anyone’s Easter service, not that I’ve been asked any time in the past 20 years. My fingers object to every move, the pressing of each key. I can only imagine what it would feel like if I had to use Poppa’s old manual typewriter to create this post!

I still find it incredible that there are people so fucking stupid that they think the President had anything to do with setting Trans Day of Visibility on the same day as Easter. I’ll say it again: Trans Day of Visibility is static: March 31 every year. Easter moves around: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox, because you need a little paganism in your religious holiday. No politics in any of it. Get off your fucking stupid hobby horse.

There are no Easter baskets in our house this year. The kids aren’t remotely interested. Kat did get them both a chocolate bunny, which they’ve already devoured, but it wasn’t out of any religious commemoration; the bunnies were on sale. Yes, they do make sugar-free Easter chocolate, but you have to order it directly from Russel Stover two weeks in advance and there’s no discount. Besides, Russel Stover’s sugar-free chocolate gives me the runs.

We also won’t be having any big Easter dinner. I’m not sure we ever have, though I can’t remember any past Easters with any level of detail. Kat’s with Brandon’s family and even if we had the money the kids aren’t interested in dining out. So, leftovers it is.

My hands want nothing more than to stay balled up into fists. We’ll see if I post anything else later. Thanks for reading.

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Morning Update  /  Natural Light  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/30/24
March 30, 2024

Bluer Skies [2010]

Having the kids on spring break for the past two weeks has given me a chance to sleep late, something I have very much enjoyed. That ends on Monday, of course, and I’m not looking forward to being up at 6:00 AM again. The extra sleep has made a significant difference in how I feel throughout the morning. It is especially appreciated on days like today when thunderstorms came through around 6:00 and rattled windows and the roof of the carport. My body needed to be lying down through that mess.

Two hours later, the skies are blue, I have coffee, and the twins (cats) are back to sleep after a rambunctious round of the zoomies. The kids are in G’s room trying to get Tipper signed in to the VR headset. This morning could get more interesting than normal.

I’m not expecting much else today. I’ll eat breakfast, take my meds, check up on the science news from the week, and take the weather changes as they come. I don’t think we’ll have more rain until early in the morning, but I’m not moving far from my bed just in case.

Boring, aren’t I?

I will say that the proof of who the GOP is can be found in the disgusting antics of their trolls. The comments have gotten so severe and so hurtful that Lizzo said last night that she’s ready to quit. She didn’t elaborate as to whether that means she’s quitting social media (maybe not a bad idea) or performing, or music altogether, which would be incredibly sad. She’s always had to endure mean comments about her appearance, but the nastiness has become increasingly severe. Are these bots that are insulting the singer? Possibly. And if they are, they’re probably from foreign sources. Still, real people are repeating the ugliness and sharing it across various networks. Do we really want people like that in charge of anything?

This is life for today. It’s been a lot worse. Boring isn’t all that bad, is it?

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Morning Update  /  Natural Light  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/28/24
March 28, 2024

“Did You Really Say That?” [2010]

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid
Step out of line, the men come and take you away

The words from Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth,” (1968) won’t leave my head. They arrived for unknown reasons late yesterday afternoon. Is paranoia a side effect of one of the medicines? I want to think that it is, but at 4:00 this morning, I was up checking because wondering about it was driving me nuts. It doesn’t show up in any of the major meds that I take every day. We’ve been on everything for over a year. I would expect that we’ve seen all the side effects we’re going to see. Yet, I can’t help wondering what’s going on in my head.

Being broke isn’t helping any. My checking account is overdrawn and I need $100 to bring it back or it gets closed. I need the account to be active because the social security deposit goes there. If the account is closed, I don’t get the funds and the situation gets worse. But I can’t ask for help, either. That’s against the rules. If someone just gives me money, that’s okay, but I can’t ask for help. I feel caught in a trap from which I can’t be released.

I hate asking Kat for anything. She’s so good at masking her real feelings I never know what she’s thinking. I fear that at some point soon she’s going to have me committed and I’ll end up in a hospital room or something strapped to a bed, unable to leave. Ever.

Perhaps this fear will go away if I talk about it. Maybe there will be some type of reassurance in today’s mail.

No, I’ve not had any weed.

Trust is something I am missing. I need to know I can trust my care team, my family, my friends. I need to be able to trust that things are getting where they’re supposed to be, and I’m not sure of anything at this point. What have I turned in? What’s missing?

I’m scared.

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Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  News & Comment
Morning Update: 03/27/24
March 27, 2024

Tell Me Why [2009]

One sure sign that I’m dreaming is how healthy I appear. Have you ever noticed that? In my dreams, I’m more likely to be in my 40s, healthy, and strong. I can still do things like climb trees to get a shot, rescue the damsel in distress, and eat a fantastic meal without feeling ill afterward. Such dreams are a long way from this morning’s reality: old, cancerous, and in pain. I’m not as witty as I once was. I’m not full of quotable sayings. I don’t like how I look. Posture is an afterthought.

Have you ever noticed that television and media don’t know how to represent people like me? It’s easy to represent a gay couple as long as they both look good. It’s easy to represent someone handicapped as long as they can pull off witty banter. Including multiracial characters isn’t a problem anymore, either. But when was the last time you saw a well-defined character who has trouble physically getting out of bed in the morning? Has the crime ever been solved by someone who has to stop in the middle of a car chase to take their medicine? The closest I can think to that kind of inclusion was the old police drama “Ironside,” which started in 1967. Even there, they chose an actor (Raymon Burr) who was otherwise healthy and strong. He was extremely intelligent, and decisive, and showed no sign of muscle atrophy at all.

But then, who wants a main character that’s inherently weak, flawed, and frequently boring?

I was boring yesterday. I’ll likely be boring today. The wind is back out of the North today so I’ll likely spend a fair amount of the day wrapped in a blanket. There are plenty of leftover beans and cornbread so It’s unlikely that I’ll cook. I might take a shower.

The kids were all but invisible again yesterday. G is making friends in the VR community. Tipper is working on her art. Neither leave their room except to get something to eat. Sure, this is typical teenage behavior. To expect much more of them would be ridiculous. I don’t have anything exciting to keep their interest. I mean, what dad can compete with VR?

At least I’m not Utah state Rep. Phil Lyman who responded to yesterday’s collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge with the nonsensical statement, “This is what happens when you have Governors who prioritize diversity over the wellbeing and security of citizens.” In a second post, he wrote, “DEI=DIE.” And this numbskull is running for Governor of Utah. Other insane Republicans blamed the bridge collapse on Russia and open borders. How people get to be so fucking stupid is a situation I don’t understand. ‘Tis the season for desperate attempts to appear relevant, I suppose.

Maybe I’ll go back and re-process some older photos today. Or maybe I’ll just dream.

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/26/24
March 26, 2024

Scratch The Itch [2010]

When I look back at my Facebook history from 13-15 years ago, I see statements like “Up early for a 6 AM shoot,” and “10:00 and two shoots in the can.” I might have complained about aches and pains from time to time, but I was up, active, and doing a lot of shooting. My biggest frustration was the models who didn’t show up and roommates who drove me nuts. I’m happy not to have roommate problems anymore (Kat and the kids are pretty cool for humans). But I miss having people in front of my camera, visitors dropping by at all hours, and moms calling to ask if I can take pictures of their babies. I really miss the babies a lot more than I thought I would.

Most of yesterday was as quiet as I had anticipated. The kids stayed in their rooms with their individual projects. I moved little more than between my chair and the bed. I did take the dogs out when they asked, but that was the most adventurous thing that I did. By 6:00 pm, even cognizant thought was gone. Rain moved in, causing an increase in the pain level to about an 8. Thankfully, the kids are old enough and capable enough to take care of their own dinner. I managed to get down a little of the rice that Tipper made but that was it.

I want to do more. I want to have a camera again. I want to invite people to shoot. While this morning wouldn’t have necessarily been the best day for a sunrise adventure, I’m sure we could have found somewhere interesting to create memorable photographs. I need a camera in my hand. I need to feel useful.

What have I done this morning? I have ham and beans in the slow cooker for dinner tonight. I’ve taken the dogs out. All 11 pets have been fed. All that took about 30 minutes. I am keeping up with the rescue efforts in Baltimore after the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, but that’s not exactly the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done. My pain level is still sitting around a 7. I’m having just enough difficulty breathing that I notice it when I’m completely still. This needs to be another quiet day.

Our kids have the least exciting spring breaks ever. Consistently. I hope no teachers require a creative writing paper on “what I did over spring break.”

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Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/25/24
March 25, 2024

Cleaning Up [2010]

We’re a week into G’s two-week spring break and it’s taking a lot of effort to keep the days straight. The alarm was off this morning and when the animals woke me up I had to look at my watch to know what day it was. Everything is a bit of a blur and to some extent, I’m thinking that may be acceptable, at least for this morning. There’s nothing that has to be done today, no deadlines, no appointments. The coffee shop is closed. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason to not sit here and binge more of NCIS Hawai’i.

The best part of yesterday was getting a visit from our friend “Bubbles” and her boyfriend. They were bringing a new PC tower for G to replace the one incapable of loading Windows 11. This gives him the ability to do more of the PC-based education and gaming things he’s wanted to do. It also gave us a chance to catch up a bit since we’ve not been able to see them for the past few years. I wasn’t the most mobile person I’ve ever been, but I was able to sit in my recliner and enjoy the company. The dogs provided ample security to make sure I didn’t fall over, or if I did it would be their fault.

The second-best part of the day was Kat bringing home pizza. The best part of pizza for dinner is that we almost always have leftovers, which means PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST! I haven’t had any yet, but I’m looking forward to a microwaved slice in a few minutes. At the same time, I look back and it feels a bit sad that I can no longer devour a large pizza on my own. That metabolism was gone before I started chemo. Now, it’s one piece at a time. There’s no having a second piece until the first one is digested.

Quiet days are welcome when the family is here. It’s not like being home alone. Human sounds are coming from different places in the house. There’s a chance for interaction if it’s desired. The cats are a little more lively. Today’s weather shouldn’t be bad so taking the dogs out won’t be as bothersome a chore. Maybe, just maybe, we can have a halfway decent day for once.

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Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/24/24
March 24, 2024

Universal Dreams [2010]

My brain is not tracking this morning. I’ve just spent the past 25 minutes sitting here at the desk looking at nothing. If this is how the rest of the day is going to go, we’re in trouble.

There still seems to be some guessing as to whether we’re going to get snow today. My bones say there’s a pretty good chance, but when I look out the window it appears that it’s stopping just to our West. Taking the dogs out this morning felt too dry for snow. Weather. I wish I didn’t have reason to care as much and could just let it happen.

Yesterday’s highlight was going to brunch with friends. There was plenty to discuss, and details to catch up on. They were even nice enough to take me by the store for more milk since we can’t seem to keep any in the house. Moments like these help more than one might imagine. Being stuck at home all the time makes it more difficult for my brain to not wander. Cognition suffers when there are no challenges. I need the conversation to keep me going.

Tipper completed her ComicCon journey yesterday. They decided to not return today since many of the vendors were already packing up and leaving yesterday afternoon. They managed to stay safe by avoiding the severe crowds pressing to see the various celebrities in attendance. There was only one guest that they identified with and weren’t compelled to suffer through the crowd to see her. As for the rest, “Who’s John Cleese?” should tell you all you need to know. They really weren’t interested.

A lot of cleaning needs to happen today but I’m not sure I can be the motivator in getting the kids to help. The longer I sit here, the more my body hurts. I had considered making pancakes from scratch this morning but that means standing for the better part of an hour and I’m not sure I can do that. The kids are still quiet so I doubt they would care if I went back to bed. Not even strong coffee is cutting it this morning. Do we really need the carbs? Probably not.

I apologize for not being the least bit interesting this morning. At least we’ve confirmed I’m still alive which is the whole point of these updates. Perhaps I’ll write more later.

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Morning Update  /  Personal  /  Status
Morning Update: 03/23/24
March 23, 2024

Out For A Ride [2014]

Everyone was out doing something yesterday, leaving me home alone to sleep. G had a shadow day for school, which he seemed to really enjoy. Tipper was at ComicCon, which was a definite hit. Kat worked, obviously, which she loves, but standing that long without a break is tough. I slept. I’m blaming the weather. While there was never heavy rain, weather conditions were enough to make everything hurt. The temperatures outside were decent enough, but I only felt warm when wrapped in a blanket. And my eyes kept watering. Still. It’s been over a week now and I can’t explain why my eyes water so much.

G forgot to take his meds before leaving yesterday, so he had a ton of anxiety to deal with which kept him awake well past 3:00 in the morning. How did he spend his late-night time? Texting Dad. I don’t mind. I understand how he feels in those moments. He wanted to go to sleep but his body refused to relax and let him close his eyes. He finally got up and ate something and that seemed to help.

Then, while we were texting, there was the distinct sound of gunfire. 14 shots to the north of us, 10 shots to the east. IMPD wants people to call 911 when they hear gunfire, but I don’t see the point of telling them that there were gunshots somewhere within a five-mile radius just as the clubs are closing for the night. I never heard any sirens so I assume that no one hit anything/one valuable. This is just how things are now. Any asshole has a right to carry, doesn’t have to be trained, doesn’t have to be registered, and can carry concealed. In that environment, there are going to be people who can’t help firing their guns. We’re thankful when no one gets hurt and move on.

Belvedere is antsy this morning. He was up pawing at my face, “Dad, I need to go out,” a little after 7:00. Normally, I wouldn’t mind so much. The weekday schedule has the dogs going out a little after 6:00. Everyone else in the house was still asleep, though, and once I was up Hamilton started whining while I was trying to get dressed. I can never get dressed quickly enough for him. I took out the dogs, fed them and the cats, made coffee, and retreated to the recovery room in hopes that everyone else would go back to sleep. Belvedere can’t seem to settle back down, though. I hope this isn’t some kind of harbinger of how the day is going to go. We all know animals feel and are aware of things humans don’t see/hear. I’d prefer not to have an anxiety-driven day.

The first part of the morning is always the most difficult. Yesterday’s meds have worn off or are wearing down. It’s too early to take today’s dose. I watch the clock, waiting for time to fix something to eat, and then pop the fun dose of chemo. Check blood sugar. Check blood pressure. Make sure you’re not dead. This is chemo life.

There are science updates in my inbox this morning. Perhaps I’ll find something suitably exciting there.

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/22/24
March 22, 2024

Another Morning [2015 original photo with AI-modified background]

Going to bed early has its consequences. For two nights in a row, I’ve missed late messages that would have altered my morning had I been able to respond to them in time. Dear friends, I no longer exist in an environment where I have good reason to be up late. There are some nights when I am, but it’s by no means consistent. As a general rule, for anyone, messages need to be sent before 9:00 PM. Anything after that runs a high probability of being missed until the next morning or, perhaps worse, getting an angry response from someone who doesn’t appreciate being woken. A little consideration goes a long way.

Another consequence is that, once something does wake me during the night, I tend to stay awake. Last night, that meant I was still struggling to get back to sleep at 3:00 AM. Even the cats get annoyed when that happens because my tossing and turning makes it impossible for them to stay still. The cats start hissing and batting at each other, and that causes the dogs to run for cover. Now, no one is getting any sleep. The cats settle back down the easiest, and Belvedere, the hound, usually isn’t far behind them. Hamilton, the lab, has more trouble getting settled. His favorite place? Right across my pillows. Yeah, that’s a lot of fun.

Tipper is excited about going to ComicCon today and G is excited about doing a shadow day at a nearby company. The difference between attitudes on school days and today is extreme. I’m still nervous about Tipper being downtown, but Kat is working today which puts her just a little over a mile away from the convention center should she be needed. How things go today will likely determine whether I go camp out at a coffee shop tomorrow or Sunday. I still don’t trust the conflagration of sports fans and ComicCon attendees. Both have plenty of jerks in their midst and it only takes one sarcastic taunt to cause trouble. Putting both within the same mile square seems to me like a bad idea, but hey, it’s money so there’s no way the city is going to turn either down.

There’s a lot I don’t understand. For example, explain to me like I’m five why anyone still thinks that when a fight happens at school that it’s appropriate to punish the victim. Tipper was telling me of an incident at her school yesterday where one person, who is perpetually causing trouble, intentionally dumped chocolate milk and applesauce on someone who was minding their own business. I wouldn’t have blamed the second person had they gotten up and punched the living daylights out of the first person, but they didn’t. They sat their and took it hoping to avoid getting in trouble. That’s not what happened. Instead, because of the school’s “no tolerance” policy, both were suspended.

Have we not learned that policies like this are a defamation of justice? When there is a clear victim, are we supposed to ignore their trauma, and their pain, and blame them for simply existing? Why are we complicating the lives of children who already live on the edge in an environment where too many people are beating up on them in too many ways? Explain to me like I’m five, please, why we think this is an appropriate way to treat young people. I just don’t get it.

Again, there are consequences to our actions. One of the issues facing Democrats, in particular, this election season is that young voters, the ones who exist in numbers large enough to sway the outcome, are so upset with the state of government that they’re boycotting elections. First of all, young people need to understand that boycotting elections never works in the favor of the ones boycotting. Instead, we end up with a government even more corrupt, even more incapable of positive change, and dangerously close to dictatorship. Why risk that outcome? At the same time, however, how has either side proven that they can be trusted? Looking at their parents, their teachers, their local leaders, and their national representatives, young people see nothing but chaos and inaction. There’s a lot of talk and ruckus, to be sure. There are a lot of threats tossed back and forth. What young adults are not seeing is an example of responsibility from either side. This results in complacency because if the last eight years have taught them anything it’s that they can’t trust the geriatric crowd at all. They can’t trust them to keep kids safe at school and they can’t trust them to run the fucking country.

What scares me is that it’s probably too late to change attitudes before this election. I don’t see either side making the decisions that would cause young adults to feel that their leaders are trustworthy. Too many politicians are calling for violence if they don’t win. If schools have taught us anything it’s that the victims are the ones who suffer the greatest consequences in those instances. Are we all screwed? That’s certainly how it feels.

Meanwhile, both the Kansas and Missouri attorneys general filed a brief with the Supreme Court supporting the idea that presidents are immune from any prosecution for anything. Here we go again, the culprit, this time a sitting president, gets away with breaking the law and there are elected officials who are STUPID enough to think that’s just fine and, worse yet, the geriatric set just keeps voting for them! WHAT THE LIVING FUCK? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? One of the basic concepts of democracy is that NO ONE, not even a president, is above the law! We were all taught that in fifth grade! What’s with the complete stupidity here?

Churches aren’t helping, either. Television evangelists are telling their viewers that this election is “for the soul of America” and encouraging violence if the outcome doesn’t go their way (Republican). First off, this type of maneuver isn’t remotely Christian. There is no educated statement one can make that supports such filth. Second, what the fuck are religious nut jobs doing mixing politics and religion? Oh yeah, they want to speed us along to the “end of the age” because … uhm … Jesus. Sure, let’s kill billions of people so a few million can get their “heaven?” Are we supposed to believe any of that makes a lick of sense?

Oh, and Kentucky coach John Calipari, the king of one-and-done freshmen, once again blames his youngest players for losing to a 14-seed in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Heaven forbid the coach take some fucking responsibility for how his team plays. Heaven forbid Calipari set a good example. Heaven forbid the university to live up to the promises it makes to young athletes. When the geriatric league behaves like this, what choice do young adults have but to put as much distance between them as possible?

There are too many reasons to not trust politicians over 50. Fuck 80, this current group got too old too fast and is no longer good for being in charge of anything. I doubt they can even take their medicine without assistance. I can’t tell my kids to trust anyone when I don’t trust anyone who pretends to be in charge. The under-30 crowd is on their own, having been abandoned by the parents, the teachers, and the leaders they were told had their back.

But I’m supposed to be okay with sending my 14-year-old daughter to ComicCon this weekend.

I have multiple coffee shops staked out.

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Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/21/24
March 21, 2024

Birds & Feathers [2015 original photo, AI background]

Everything was going sort of okay until I tried to get out of bed. Belvedere’s noggin was going one way, mine was going another, and they collided hard enough to knock us both down. Even now, 14 hours later, I can still feel where our heads met each other. I wasn’t good for the rest of the day. My balance is still off. I almost fell forward putting the food in the dogs’ bowls. This is 100% a side effect of the chemo, but it’s also one of the side effects that may never go away.

G had a better day. He’s been saving up his money for months and was finally able to purchase a Meta Quest 2 VR headset. Setting it up took a while, but once he had it going he was having all kinds of fun. Is there a chance this is going to be a problem? Yes. He isn’t aware of who/what is around him when he’s wearing the headset. The best move is to announce which side of him you’re on. Unfortunately, the animals can’t do that. I’m waiting for a cat to become an unintended victim of a wayward step.

Watching the kids as they eagerly anticipate the arrival of packages is almost as much fun as Christmas. The excitement isn’t about the surprise factor because they know what they’re getting. The joy is centered around the fulfillment of desire, seeing something for which they’ve worked come to realization. I hope they are able to keep that joy their entire lives.

Temperatures have dropped again this morning. Taking the dogs out required layering coats. Of course, the pups don’t understand why I can’t just hop out of bed and open the back door. They get antsy waiting for me to get dressed and the more I have to wear the more anxious they become. And why am I, and so many other older people, obsessed with the weather? I asked the internet but there’s no scientific conclusion. There are moderately entertaining guesses here, here, and here, but I wouldn’t put too much weight on their accuracy. I find it interesting, though, that the thing we teased my father about is now the same thing I do each morning.

Apparently, we now have to worry about the safety of our water. Newsweek reported yesterday that water systems around the US are being hit by cyberattacks that threaten the safety of the nation’s drinking water. While water companies would presumably have time to warn people about the quality of water, there are plenty of problems with this situation and no one seems to have a firm grasp as to how to handle them. Water utilities are, at best, controlled by local municipalities. At worst, such as in Indy, they’ve been privatized by companies who have a profit obligation above the need for safety. Since boiling the water usually makes it safe to drink, I’m sticking to coffee for now.

Have you noticed how many critical world leaders are a lot older than I am? Not only is the US president and the opposition leader in the 80s, Russia’s Putin is 71, King Charles is seventy-something, and German chancellor Olaf Scholz is 65. Okay, 65 isn’t that old, but the other guys are at an age where the line between wisdom and tottering old fool is dangerously thin. We are entrusting our lives and our well-being to these idiots. You’d think the people of the world would be a lot more selective, but the systems are stacked against us. The Brits don’t really have a choice at all.

ABC News is reporting that the US has finally submitted a proposal to the UN for an immediate cease-fire in Gaza based on hostage release. I fail to understand why a cease-fire is being so difficult to pass. How can countries not be in favor of a cease-fire for any reason other than the selfish gain coming from the war? Of course, even if the UN passes the damn thing, it doesn’t have the power to enforce it. Israel will continue to do whatever the fuck it wants to do and the US Congress will continue to support them even as the rest of the world screams foul. This, among other things, is why the US is no longer in the top 20 happiest countries on earth. We keep making stupid choices.

Finally, I’ve talked all week about Comic Con being in Indy this weekend. Yes, that means thousands of strangely dressed people are heading downtown for three days starting tomorrow. You know what else, though? Indy is also hosting the first two rounds of March Madness. That means thousands of basketball fans descending on the same downtown area. Oh, and the Indiana National Guard is hosting a gun and knife show. I’m sure there’s no way those three things could collide horribly. And I’m just supposed to let my 14-year-old roam free down there with only her boyfriend for protection? I’m not going to tell her she can’t go, but this Dad is looking for ways to beef up her security. If you have any reasonable solutions, let me know.

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Morning Update  /  Personal  /  pop culture  /  Social Commentary
Morning Update 03/20/24
March 20, 2024

Spring Break Dreams [2015 original photo with AI background]

Why do people try to be as loud as possible at the most inconvenient times of the day? Last night, the guy in the souped-up Dodge was doing donuts in the intersection next to the house. This morning, a guy in a modified pickup truck with a rusted-out bed made as much noise as he could as he raced toward the stop sign. At least he stopped but then resumed making more noise on up the street. I’ve never understood the fascination with noise. Show me stealth, make it down the street without waking the dogs, and I’ll be impressed.

Tipper is excited this morning because the feet to her furry shoes are coming today. We’re less than a month from her 14th birthday so she’s okay with these being a birthday present. Given the price, there wasn’t much other choice! She’s made as much of her furry costume as she can. The parts she can’t make are expensive!

G made jello before going to bed last night. We’re just now on day three of his two-week spring break and already he’s bored. I’m not sure how we’re going to keep him from turning the house upside down by next week. I love his energy, though, and wish I could borrow some. I’m having trouble staying under 16 hours of sleep per day.

I’m going to miss the kids coming in and chatting before and after school.

A new issue has popped up over the past two days and reoccurred again this morning: my eyes have been watering when I go outside. At first, I thought it was just the wind and the cold. That would make sense. But it happened again this morning with only a slight breeze and a comparatively balmy 42 degrees Fahrenheit. Is this a late-arriving chemo side effect or is something else going on? Trying to tell the difference is almost impossible. It feels like there’s something new every couple of days.

A friend mentioned that she was having a BLT for dinner last night and as I’m sitting here this morning, I think that would make a great breakfast. Unfortunately, we have none of the ingredients for making one. Not even the bread. Getting through the next month before my social security comes through is going to be difficult.

I have some questions for you this morning. Feel free to use the comment section to answer them.

Why does anyone care if another person has an OnlyFans page at this point? The site has been around long enough that no one should be shocked when someone uses the platform to generate some extra cash. If anything, when an employer finds out someone is making more money on OnlyFans than they are at their “normal” job, they should be embarrassed. There are too many people, especially teachers, who have to resort to second jobs to pay their bills and OnlyFans tends to be a good choice. Either let them be or pay them more money, asshole.

Do you know what “phubbing” is? It’s the “practice of ignoring one’s spouse or romantic partner to pay attention to one’s phone or other mobile device.” And apparently, according to some, it’s grounds for divorce. I’ll be honest, if you’re paying more attention to your phone than you are to the people you care most about, you have problems and I’m not sure it’s just the phone. I understand this especially applies to younger generations who can’t imagine life without a phone in their hand. Can we say “emotionally insecure?”

File under Bad Headlines: “2 ex-college Hockey Players ID’d as Victims of Murder-Suicide, Killer Was Dating One Of The Victims.” Go ahead, read that again. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? This comes from People magazine online. I almost want to ask the writer which victim the killer was dating. There are no copy editors anymore, so shit like this slips through all the time.

According to one questionable source, Hooter’s is now supposedly gay because Kristen Stewart was photographed visiting one. Uhm, hello? Lesbians are as much about boobs as teenage boys. Gay people of any gender have loved places that flaunt boobs. That doesn’t make Hooter’s or Twin Peaks or anywhere else gay. Gay people exist. Gay people love food. Gay people love boobs. How is that different from anyone else?

I have other questions as well but perhaps it’s best I save those for another time.

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Morning Update  /  Personal  /  Status
Morning Update: 03/19/24
March 19, 2024

Night Solace [2006, long exposure]

Self-Fulling Prophecies

There are too many days where I catch myself asking the question, “Does anyone care?” Of course, I know the answer. I am fortunate not to be friendless. My situation could be worse. I’m thankful I’m not in a hospital bed where my only visitors are nurses making their rounds. Yet. I keep telling myself to be satisfied with what I have and stop wishing for more. I’m old.

I spent part of Monday evening wondering to what extent we’re all self-fulfilling prophecies, even when we don’t want to be. There’s a lot of talk about “the cycle stops here,” referring to generational abuses and bad habits. This is great when we’re talking about how we treat young children. Our abuses don’t have to be there. We can put a stop to that now.

I’m not sure how well we keep it up, though. Sure, some do, but maybe the majority can carry on that desire to set a positive example and not repeat the mistakes of their parents and grandparents. Yet, I look at so many people around me and see repetitions in their behavior that, while not identical to what their parents did, ultimately have the same result. Giving in to false belief systems. Escapism using drugs and/or alcohol. Pushing away the people who care about them. Abandoning relationships because “I’m too busy.” I hear the excuse “I can’t do everything” being said in many different ways. And no, no one can do everything. The challenge is where we choose to spend our time and energy.

Ultimately, we find ourselves in the same position as our parents. What makes the problem more difficult is that we often don’t realize what we’ve done until it’s too late. Our children are more like us than we ever intended for them to be and now we’re stuck with the consequences.

I have imagined since I was young that I would die alone, in a hospital, with no one caring or even aware that I was gone. While I don’t see that day on the near horizon, I see how the stage is set to create that ending. I’m no one’s priority. I’m a burden. I feel guilty and that leads me away from the people I perceive that I’m hurting. As I pull away, others feel abandoned, left alone to “do everything.” Both sides stop caring. Slowly, over the years, everyone drifts away. Some move to other places. Some have lives that take different turns. The messages and the visits dwindle away until finally you’re alone in a hospital. It doesn’t matter how you got there. Maybe you fell. Maybe you were in an accident. There may have been a well-check that found you on the floor. There you are. No one knows you’re there. You no longer know the current number of your emergency contact. Slowly, the breaths grow farther apart until you take the last one. If it weren’t for the annoying sound of the heart monitor, no one would notice.

The question is, what do I do with the time between now and then? Do I try making a difference one more time or do I just give up and wait for the inevitable? Do I have a choice? Trying requires assistance. No one is a purely self-made anything. There has to be someone to help and if there’s not going to be anyone to help then what’s the point in trying?

Yesterday ended up being one of pure nausea. None of the meds seemed to help. When I wasn’t in the bathroom, I was in bed. So no, I didn’t get anything done around the house. I did well to get the dogs outside in time to keep them from pooping in the hallway. I made dinner but only nibbles are missing from the dishes. There are, once again, too many leftovers.

What happens when I’m no longer here? Who lets the dogs out? Who handles dinner? Who feeds the cats? Do chores still get done without yelling? Does music still play on the turntable? Who pulls in the package deliveries left out in the rain?

What happens today? Who reads my posts? Who leaves a comment? Who rolls their eyes and thinks I’m being overly dramatic?

If everyone leaves, what does that say about me? How horrible a person am I?

Today is another day and I’ll try to be better than I was yesterday. Still, the cards seem already drawn.

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update  /  Personal  /  Social Commentary
Morning Update: 03/18/24
March 18, 2024

Summer’s Natural Beauty [2010]

One could almost see the temperature falling yesterday. From 56 degrees when I woke up yesterday, to 32 when I went to bed last night, to 28 so far this morning, the chill has hit everyone’s bones to varying effects. When it gets cold all of a sudden, the dogs want to snuggle as close together as possible. They’ll have their bodies right up against mine to the point I almost don’t need any kind of cover. The cats, on the other hand, alternate between being curled up in a puddle and racing around the house making as much noise as possible. Unfortunately, they tend to choose the middle of the night to make the most noise.

There was one amusing moment yesterday when a poor little red squirrel happened to be in our tree when the dogs went out. The squirrel didn’t have a home in our tree. He didn’t want to stay there. He kept trying to come back down the trunk. But once the dogs saw him, Belvedere took point and Hamilton tried his best to climb the tree. The poor squirrel was stuck until I finally convinced the dogs to come back inside. I am constantly amazed at how the dogs’ hunting instincts come to the fore when faced with other animals. Domestication only goes so far.

I wanted to do a fair bit of writing yesterday but that was not to be. I got the first couple of pages done but then my brain gave out and I couldn’t get any serious cognition to return. I’m not sure I’ll have what it takes to get much done today, either. I woke up with my neck hurting and no small amount of nausea. I have meds for the nausea but the neck pain has to work itself out. Between that and the cold weather, keeping me out of bed doesn’t seem likely.

G is on spring break for the next two weeks. This could get interesting because when G gets bored he gets creative. A little bit of OCD kicks in and he starts cleaning and rearranging stuff. Fortunately, he has a talent for organizing things and does a great job of making things fit where you didn’t think they could go. So, what will he do in the next two weeks? I’m thinking that re-working the living room might be a prime target. Of course, there’s not much I can do but get in the way. I’ll retreat to the recovery room and let him do his thing.

Tipper grows all the more excited about Comic Con this weekend. Kat’s given her early birthday presents so that she has furry paws and furry feet to go with her costume. I’m still feeling a little nervous about the whole thing and am not above scoping out nearby coffee shops where I can hang out, “just in case.” While it’s easy to think of her as mature when it comes to her art and creativity, she’s still just a soon-to-be 14-year-old and I have an inherent distrust of people in any kind of crowd.

I’m not encouraged by the fact that the number of shootings went up across the nation this weekend. Eight were shot in DC, six in Jacksonville Beach, FL, and another seven here in Indy. This is a significant part of what fuels my distrust of crowds. Sure, most people are there having a good time but all it takes is one overly emotional idiot who gets their feelings hurt, and the next thing you know bodies are lying on the ground. One person who thinks that another has insulted them or done them wrong can inflict a large amount of damage in a short time in crowded atmospheres and they don’t care that the people being hurt are innocent. Making it worse, there seems to be no way to stop these types of events because everyone has a right to carry a gun and will do their best to find a way of doing so. I want Tipper and her friends to go and have fun, but it’s impossible to not worry.

I’m going to try to find a way to remove that big subscribe box that pops up as you scroll down the page. I know it’s a pain if you’re trying to read on your phone. Still, I would be so very pleased if you would subscribe. This helps me know that you’re at least aware of new posts without having to say anything on social media. Thank you.

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Cancer Update  /  Holidays  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/17/24
March 17, 2024

Everyone’s Irish [2005]

Here it is St. Patrick’s Day and for the second year in a row, there’s no Guinness in the house. No Jameson, either. Not every holiday comes with drink requirements, but this one does and it feels wrong to not be able to partake. Not even a shot. This is just another one of the things that goes with being on chemo. I’ve mentioned it before, I know. If we were having corned beef for lunch today, that might help, but we’re not. Corned beef costs far too much for our budget, especially when considering how much of it we have to cook to keep the kids pleased. Five pounds is barely enough for the kids.

When cancer treatment starts, it’s easy to think, “I got this. We’ll make it through. No problem.” The longer treatment continues, though, and the side effects get worse, not better, and you miss being around your friends, and you begin to feel the weight of the treatment as an emotional burden, the more difficult it is to hold onto any kind of hope. I keep telling myself, “Maybe next year.” Maybe. Who knows what might happen over the next 365 days? There are no promises that the backside of treatment won’t leave me with lingering side effects. There are no promises that as one treatment ends another becomes necessary.

This is where the depression kicks in. Every day, there is something that you’re missing, something you want to do and can’t. Dance a jig? I never have been a dancer, but trying such a thing now would land me on my butt. Go to a burlesque show? Sorry, I can’t stay out that late. Bingo night with the other old folks? I don’t dare. They might be contagious.

At least I have coffee. The day they take that away from me, I’ll have no choice but to die.

The problem of archived digital photographs is coming to bear in a painful way. The above photo was taken with a five-megapixel Canon 5D. In 2005, it was the best in its class for digital SLRs. One of the promises of digital photography was supposed to be that we could return to them at any time and re-process them without damaging the negative. That’s proving not necessarily to be the case.

JPEG artifacts are the problem. Or maybe it is software that doesn’t accommodate how formats were written to disc 20 years ago. Whatever the issue may be, I’m finding that trying to fix the color in old images, which is a frequent necessity, is difficult. This morning, it’s the red channel that won’t cooperate. There are places where original settings can’t be changed or improved. The data can’t be overwritten.

Part of the problem may be that I no longer have the original RAW file. In theory, I shouldn’t have as many color issues working from the original. However, this photo was processed from an uncompressed TIFF file which should contain all the same digital information as the RAW file. This has me concerned that our digital files may not have the archival longevity that we had hoped.

I need some things from the store but no one currently in the house can drive, there’s not a car available if they could, and delivery isn’t an option. Maybe this time next year.

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Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  News & Comment  /  Social Commentary
Morning Update: 03/16/24
March 16, 2024

The Water Is Cold [2010]

Everyone slept. Both kids came in from school, went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until late. No one had dinner. No one did chores. They just slept. I’m not complaining. I had a 16+ hour sleeping day myself. I can’t explain why yesterday was more tiresome than others, but we were all caught by the plague and I’m not hearing anyone complain about it this morning. Will that translate to increased activity today? That’s doubtful, but we’ll see. Tipper is motivated to finish up her costume for ComicCon next weekend, so that may keep her awake for a while. G, though, is still dragging a bit this morning.

I’m still kinda bummed that we don’t have corned beef to cook for tomorrow. The prices are too high. We can’t get a small amount, either. The kids plow through a three-pound slab without raising their heads. Meat, in general, has gotten too expensive for modest budgets. We have plenty of beans if I remember to put them on to soak the night before, but again, there’s that problem of falling asleep and not waking up in time.

One of my former babysitters (understand, she babysat me and my brother) posted last night that she was making cinnamon rolls from scratch and I swear I can smell them coming out of the oven. Of course, 500 miles is too great a distance to even think about having her send me a pan. Plenty of bakeries make cinnamon rolls, but there’s nothing like the texture, flavor, and smell of those fresh out of someone’s home oven. Do I need them? No, of course not. They sure would make me feel good while I was eating them, though.

Food is a critical element for anyone, but the combination of chemo and diabetes makes it a critical matter. Not eating isn’t an option and could potentially have deadly results. Eating comfort food, like cinnamon rolls, doesn’t help my sugar intake. I have to eat something when taking the chemo, but if it’s too heavy I get indigestion. In fact, eating too much blocks the effects of the chemo, so that’s not a helpful path. Trying to keep everything in balance is a daily challenge. We know lean meats and veggies are best, but for breakfast? Who wants green beans for breakfast?

The State of Indiana is getting its Happy Hour back. 40 years ago, the state banned the practice of Happy Hour at bars and restaurants out of concern that it encouraged people to over-consume alcohol within a short period of time, leading to more drunk driving. As of July 1, it’s back. The state legislature passed the bill earlier this year and Gov. Holcomb signed it yesterday at one of the city’s oldest bars.

Here’s the catch: Happy Hour cannot extend beyond 9:00 PM. That sets the stage for a number of hypothetical situations. One would be that people might be encouraged to get their drunk on earlier, releasing them into the wild during rush hour. Another might be that bars that offer Happy Hour could see a significant downturn in business after 9:00 PM. A third possibility is that it could bring back the after-hours office drinking that was once a regular part of any business.

Are those concerns still applicable, though? With so much work being done remotely, there aren’t as many people in offices who want to get together after work. They have children and pets to get home to. They have errands to try and run. And younger employees simply aren’t interested.

Bars and restaurants are still not the late-night draw that they were before COVID. Kat came out of a performance venue last night to nearly empty streets in one of the most fashionable areas of town. Bars struggle to pull people in late because young people especially are interested in things other than drinking until they puke. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a party here or there, but ask almost any bar owner and they’ll tell you that they’re struggling to attract and keep people very late, especially during the week.

As for the drunk driving concerns, rates of drunk driving fatalities have been steadily on the downturn since 1985. Sure, even one death is devastating, but once again, that 21-35-year-old demographic that was previously responsible for so many tragedies is more responsible for their drinking than their parents’ generation.

The proof is in the pudding and it seems natural that there could be an uptick in public drunkenness and drunk driving during the latter part of the summer. But overall, I don’t think there’s much danger of returning to the levels that existed all the way back when I was in college. We were the generation that defined rowdy drunken parties. I’m hopeful our children learned to not make the same mistakes.

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Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/15/24
March 15, 2024

Great Home Makeover (2009)

We survived the storms. Marion County never was in that much danger, but all the surrounding counties were. The alarms went off because of protocol, but there was no rotation anywhere over the city. We’re safe. I walked the yard with the dogs this morning and there is no noticeable damage. The cold breeze from the North is less than welcome, but we are thankfully better off than many of the areas around us. We are grateful.

Good news came from someone within the Social Security system. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s disability or Social Security proper. I know it’s not SSI because the letter specifically says that is still in process. Still, it means a month from now we should finally start getting some financial assistance. I still need to re-apply for Medicaid apparently. I thought that was being handled during the phone interview two weeks ago, but that assumption now seems to be wrong. If I can get all my ducks to at least acknowledge one another then perhaps we can find a solution so that Kat isn’t stressed from worrying about me all the time.

The dogs did not take well to yesterday’s storms, especially those early afternoon. Not only were they cuddled up in bed with me, they were both doing their best to lie on top of me. Their weight combined with arthritis pain made enduring that portion of the storm excruciating. They rarely get that anxious about anything so I was surprised by their behavior.

As I was perusing social media this morning, I noticed a post from a friend who is also dealing with chemo. She lamented how she has no one to talk with, no one to lean on and provide any level of emotional support. I’m not sure people understand that chemo and its effects are not a short-term thing. We don’t just go for a few weeks until everything is okay. Oral chemo is a multi-year treatment. Every day is a chemo day. How we feel can turn on a dime. What we’re physically capable of doing can change in an instant. We need people who will take time to help, to listen, and to be there while our bodies are being decimated in an effort to rid ourselves of this disease. Can you be one of those people?

There are so many parts of the world I fail to understand at the moment. On one hand, a woman running for NC state school superintendent is allowed to call for the public execution of people whose views she doesn’t like. Meanwhile, Ayro, the parent company of Pornhub, had to completely block access to the site in the state of Texas because of a new law requiring proof of age. I thought that technology already existed, but apparently not sufficiently to satisfy the Texas law. All of this while the Senate now debates whether to ban social media platform TikTok from the US because of fear its Chinese owners are using it to spy.

When Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote The Scarlet Letter in 1850, he skewered the puritanical laws and attitudes that assaulted free speech and highlighted the hypocritical actions of those in authority, particularly the clergy. One would think that a society moving forward from that point would learn the lessons of the fictional book, see the dangers of their ways, and make some changes. Obviously, not only have we not learned, but we’ve doubled down on the nonsense of trying to regulate personal morality. We’re still frightened by the sight of a woman’s breast but not a man’s. Media routinely slut shames women whose attire is deemed inappropriate. And heaven forbid anyone have more than one sex partner. If anything, our society is worse about enforcing an unreasonable moral code now than it was 200 years ago!

We have to stand up not only for free speech rights but for freedom of personhood. I am the only one who has any right to decide what course of action is best for me and I don’t have the right to force anyone else to agree with my moral choices. What I have the right to do, however, is insist that you keep your lousy, hypocritical, religiously-based nonsense out of my life. You don’t get to limit my choices. You can take your made-up pseudo-psychology claptrap and shove it up your ass. The world doesn’t need anyone enforcing a moral code. If you need religion, or laws, to make you a good person, then chances are pretty damn high that you are not a good person.

My stats tell me we need a lot more people to subscribe and it wouldn’t hurt if you shared posts that you find informative or helpful. Since we’re not wasting time on social media anymore, getting anyone’s attention is a lot more difficult. We appreciate your help. Thank you.

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Morning Update  /  Personal  /  Politics
Morning Update: 03/14/24
March 14, 2024

A Quiet Morning [2010] (Original photo with AI background)

How do we know it’s not Spring yet? Because after yesterday’s beautiful weather and 75-degree temps, today is supposed to be stormy and cooler. By this time next week, the high is only 38 degrees. Do you ever get the feeling that weather is nothing more than a yo-yo and the person controlling the string doesn’t know how to yo-yo? Of course, this is standard for this time of year, but it still feels as though we’re being yanked around.

The highlight yesterday was getting to spend some with with our friend Ron over coffee. If you ever need an attorney, Ron’s your guy. We talk about a lot more than law, though. Life moves fast even when you’re old (me, not Ron) and sometimes we need to talk through things to help them make sense. Talking with friends helps my mind be a little less confused and forces me to process information more quickly than when I’m sitting here typing.

I did have a little bit of a start when Ron dropped me back at home. There was an unknown car in the driveway! I was moderately concerned about what might be waiting for me. Fortunately, it was just Kat. She had taken her car in for service and was driving one of her dad’s vehicles. Still, it was a jolt to my cardiac system.

I just realized I have my compression shirt on backward. Again. Sigh.

The rest of the day was a mix of napping and taking the dogs out in the sunshine. All three of us needed the sunshine. I was able to take Belvedere’s coat off and let them roll around in the grass. The warmth felt good and I’m a bit sad that it’s not lasting.

Do we live in an age where overreacting to situations is the standard response? One of the things coming across my newsfeed was a brief article about conservatives calling for a boycott of Black Rifle Coffee simply because some of its employees, not the company, donated to ActBlue, an online grassroots fundraising organization.

First of all, political boycotts are just stupid and don’t achieve the desired goals, no matter which side of the coin they support. There’s no firm evidence that the boycotts impact elections in any way. Boycotts don’t translate to votes and votes are the only thing that matter. Attempting to financially hurt a business can backfire and create more support for their cause.

Second, politically-based boycotts are morally wrong because they attempt to deny income from employees. Let’s say someone I work with supports a cause, using their own money, that I don’t support. That’s their business! Why should anyone else be at risk of losing their job? I didn’t tell them to donate. The company didn’t make donating mandantory. The long-term negative effect eliminates any positive outcome of the boycott.

Third, it makes more sense to support “good” companies than boycott “bad” ones. If you disagree with a company’s politics, then support their competitor. Of course, that can backfire, too, if their competitor has similar political leanings.

The fact is that using economics to influence the way a person votes is wrong and amounts to coercion. Don’t give in to such malarky. Vote on the issues, only on the issues, and allow others to do the same. That’s the way democracy works.

The animals are fiesty this morning and making a lot of noise. Maybe they’re politicians in disguise.

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Cancer Update  /  Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 03/13/24
March 13, 2024

Time To Relax [2010] (AI background on original photo)

Taking a look at family things first: G has his PSAT test today. He’s anxious to get it over. I’m anxious for him. Standardized tests are a bitch. I took the ACT 1,000 years ago, not the SAT and both have changed a lot since then. I don’t feel qualified to offer any help. I told him “Good luck” as he left this morning. His only reply was, “Ugh. I wish.”

Tipper’s in here showing me furry paws she wants for ComiCon. The kids are out of school that Friday and she’s over-the-moon excited about the three-day event. She’s been saving her money and making different costume-related items for weeks. She has the $ and the paws are cute, complete with little toe beans. I don’t understand the culture. I don’t need to. It makes her happy and she’s not hurting anyone. I’m going to support her all I can.

The best part of the day for me yesterday was that it was warm enough to sit outside and take in some sun. I’m low on vitamin D anyway, so it helps to be out in that regard. The dogs also like the extra time being outside and frightening people walking by. What tickles me is that people see Hamilton (black lab/pit mix) and think he’s the dangerous one. Nope. Toss Ham a hard roll and he’ll bury the thing until it softens up. Belvedere (English hound) is the one with the jaw strength. Sure, he looks cute, but toss him a hard roll and it’s crunch right into the thing and it’s gone in seconds.

Among the things to do yesterday was complete a health survey the insurance company sent because “we’ve not been able to reach you by phone.” Do you want to know why you can’t reach me by phone? Because when you call, nothing is identifying the call as coming from you. I don’t pick up for numbers I don’t know. I need to see something that tells me you’re not a telemarketer or someone else looking to waste my time. This is especially important if you call while I’m napping. I take a brief look at the number and if there’s not a name I recognize on there, I’m going back to sleep.

While most of the questions were about health history, as one might expect, the one that always makes me giggle is, “Are you safe at home?” I understand this question coming from my doctor, but what is the insurance company going to do about it if I’m not safe? Are they going to help find me a safer place to live? Is there an Old Person Protective Agency they can call for assistance? Or are they going to call the police to come over and shoot me?

You’re an insurance agency. I find your attempts at empathy and caring disingenuous. We both know that your primary purpose is to avoid paying for healthcare so that you can keep more of the premiums. There’s no sense in pretending otherwise. If you really cared, the copay to see my oncologist and other specialist wouldn’t be $35 per visit. I had to cancel an appointment this week because it’s a two-visit ordeal and I don’t have $70 for the copay. Don’t pretend to care when you’re still making sure I can’t afford healthcare.

HAPPY SLEEP AWARENESS WEEK!

Did you know that this is Sleep Awareness Week? I didn’t either until an app on my watch told my phone to remind me. [Yes, that’s how I get my critical information now.] I found it interesting that I got the notice on a day after I’d slept 11.3 hours straight, with another three hours added on in the afternoon. I’m still averaging between 13 and 16 hours of sleep per day. Some days those sleep periods are broken up, other days they’re more contiguous. The chemo gives me little choice in the scheduling.

I don’t think I know any intelligent adult who would deny the fact that sleep is important. It’s not only important that we get regular amounts of sleep, but that we have a sleep schedule that is steady and reliable. We understand the importance of having a comfortable place to sleep that supports our back and neck. There’s no problem with the basics.

However, there are a number of myths that linger around sleep and those are what do the most damage. We believe these tales that have been handed down over the generations and we find them difficult to give up. Here are a few examples.

Myth: Sleep is not a priority for health. One dangerous myth is the belief that diet and exercise are more important for overall health. In reality, sleep is crucial for physical health, emotional well-being, and cognitive performance. Lack of sleep can lead to a host of health problems, including obesity and heart disease, both of which are severe problems in the US.

Myth: Less sleep is needed as you age. If that were true, I’d be severely oversleeping. While sleep patterns do change as we age, the need for sleep does not drastically decrease. Adults typically require 7-9 hours of sleep per night.

Myth: Snoring is harmless. Hello? Sleep apnea, anyone? Although snoring is common and sometimes harmless, it can also be a sign of serious breathing and heart issues linked to all sorts of fun diseases including stroke. Here’s a hint: if it’s bothering someone, you might want to get that checked out.

Myth: You can catch up on lost sleep. Many believe that sleeping more on weekends can compensate for sleep lost during the week. Nope. While a little extra sleep can help relieve part of a sleep debt (great, another debt to worry about), it cannot completely make up for the lack of sleep and its effects on the body over a longer period. People who work the third shift tend to be especially ill-affected by this one.

Myth: It’s healthy to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. There are a lot of people, especially those who’ve been in the military, who fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow or sleep in any situation. However, this can actually indicate sleep deprivation. Ideally, falling asleep should take 10-20 minutes. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep too quickly. I have to be careful.

Myth: Alcohol helps you sleep. Not really. While alcohol might help you fall asleep faster, or in places you didn’t intend to sleep, it disrupts your sleep cycle. Particularly interrupted is REM sleep which is important for memory and learning. This leads to poorer quality sleep and, yeah, you’re gonna have a hangover.

There are tons of websites with good advice on getting healthier sleep. If you have lingering questions, especially if you keep waking up during the night, please talk to your doctor. When we’re not getting enough sleep, it’s often because our bodies are trying to tell us something. Heed the call. Get help!

There are plenty of other things to talk about, like the US House of Representatives voting on a TikTok ban, the myth of noncitizens voting, and other silly things such as Kristen Stewart’s wardrobe. Maybe we’ll get to those, maybe we won’t. I already need a shower. I’m not sure I want to wallow in a mess that would have me wanting to take more than one. I do know that it’s supposed to be another beautiful day in the Midwest, so I’m hoping to get some more vitamin D. We’re going to do our best to make this a good day despite having to take on some difficult conversations.

I’m not good with difficult conversations. I’d rather just skip those. We’ll see.

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update
Morning Update: 3/11/24
March 11, 2024

A Warm Breeze
A Warm Breeze (2010)

Sunday was one of those days when I didn’t get dressed. Of course, I always have on a base compression layer that covers everything from my neck down, but I didn’t put on pants or a shirt. I didn’t go outside. I couldn’t find a suitable excuse. The energy required to put on clothes simply wasn’t there.

Perhaps I spent too much energy too early in the day. I did a load of laundry, took a shower, and made pancakes. That took everything I had. This is what no one talks about, the extreme fatigue that takes over and leaves you without any energy, not even enough to think. Consider when I wrote yesterday’s “sermon,” More Than Salad, it took me three hours not because the topic was difficult but because of the frequency with which I had to stop and look up words. One critical word search took more than 20 minutes because there wasn’t a good synonym. This is how the chemo tears away at the brain, relieving me of information that I’ve known for years, guessing at words as though I’d never written before. From my perspective, it feels that it’s only getting worse.

This is why talking to people in person is important. Writing is sometimes too sedate for my brain. My thoughts will wander down rabbit holes while I’m looking for just the right phrase. Conversation requires being there in the moment and replying in real time without editing or spellchecking. The topic doesn’t matter nearly as much as the act of conversing itself.

The night seemed to go well, we were all in bed by 9:30, until a very direct pain hit my forehead just above my hairline a little after 4:00. This wasn’t the radiating type of pain one gets with the typical headache. This is tight, less than a finger’s width, and maybe a half-inch long, and it was initially severe. Being the middle of the night, my brain immediately leaped to the worst possible conclusion: This is what a brain hemorrhage feels like; I’m dying. I then looked at my watch so that I could mark the exact time of my death, in case anyone asked. Obviously, I didn’t die. There’s still a hint of pain there, but I doubt it’s caused by a hemorrhage.

While we were sleeping, the Academy Awards took place. There were no surprises. Oppenheimer won the bulk, closely followed by Poor Things. Once again, the awards were too white, too conservative, and played it much too safe. Killers of the Flower Moon and Maestro were completely ignored. The only nod to Barbie was Billie Eilish for the song, “What Was I Made For.” BTW, having two Oscars at age 22 should tell us that we’re sleeping on Ms. Eilish’s talent. There was more back-patting for having survived last year’s strikes than meaningful dialogue or stirring speeches. The “In Memoriam” section might have been the most interesting part of the whole show. I’ve pretty much given up on the Academy “getting it right” in my lifetime.

Demonstrating just how over-reactive news agencies have become to photo editing, five agencies “killed” a picture of the UK’s Princess Catherine that was shot by the Prince of Wales and posted on the Kensington Palace website. According to the BBC, concern was raised because of an extremely minor adjustment in the Princess’ hand and a skirt alignment issue. These are the type of edits that I would fucking hope any decent photographer would make rather than just letting the image go out into the world looking bad.

Mind you, the photo was taken by Prince William, who is not a professional photographer. It’s a fucking snapshot of a mom and her kids. The Princess admitted to having edited the image herself and apologized for any confusion. In my experienced opinion, the concern and outrage is absolute balderdash (I like that word) and yet another example of how far up their ass agencies have driven the editing stick. What they’re asking of photographers is perfect photos that come right out of the can ready for publishing, no matter who took it. That’s way too much of an ask for how little photographers are paid.

Please take the time to leave a comment or a like or some breadcrumb that lets me know you were here. Yeah, I can read the stats, but that doesn’t give me names. I want to know YOU were here. And don’t forget to subscribe so that I don’t have to keep leaving reminders on Facebook. Thank you.

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update  /  Personal
Morning Update: 3/10/24
March 10, 2024

Relaxing Surf
Relaxing in the Surf [Original 2009 photograph with AI background]

Welcome to Daylight Savings Time (DST)! That wonderful time of year when all our animals think we’re absolutely nuts for upsetting their feeding schedules. All 11 of ours have been fed, the dogs have been out, and we’re hanging out together listening to the late Ronnie Milsap’s 1979 album “IMAGE.” So far, everyone seems to be in a good mood. After yesterday’s rough start, a calm morning is appreciated. I may even make pancakes after taking a shower.

Yesterday was pretty quiet around the house. Tipper went to the salon with her mom for a pedicure and then had lunch with her grandmother. Apparently, they discussed the lingering prevalence of negative female stereotypes in anime over an anime-themed McDonald’s meal. Watching this little girl grow up and form her own opinions is one of the greatest joys of my life. The thought that I might not be here as she continues to grow hurts deeply in my soul.

G took advantage of the quiet to play video games that didn’t require him to do coding. The educational aspect diminishes the level of pleasure in playing the game, but he’s nonetheless proud of his accomplishments. He enjoys the solitude he gets in his room on the weekends. At his core, G’s a rather private person. He manages social activity at school through the week but doing so is exhausting. He’s high functioning enough that it’s easy to forget he’s on the autism spectrum and is challenged by social situations. He needs the alone time to recharge for the next week.

Yesterday’s biggest challenge was finding space on the bed so I could nap. The Gang of Five has recently become a steady Gang of Eight. For those who are new, we have a total of nine cats and two dogs in the house. When I first moved into the Recovery Room a year ago, it was a rotating mystery of who was going to settle in here. Not everyone likes the room. Not everyone gets along. Now, Lyndy and Fat Guy snuggle with G and Jack curls up on top of the dog food container. Everyone else is right in here with me, trying to fit on a queen-size bed. Lying down for a nap involves carefully circumnavigating all the bodies, trying to not fall on top of anyone, until I reach a spot on the pillows large enough for my big head. Getting up without someone hissing at me is almost impossible. It’s a snuggly existence, which is nice since no humans want to get that close.

Oh, while I’m thinking about it, we have a huge (three-pound maybe?) log of Canadian bacon in the back of the freezer. It’s been there a while and I’m not totally sure where it came from. I know I didn’t buy it. My question is: what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? The only time I’ve experienced Canadian bacon is on pizza and this is way too much for pizza. Any suggestions? It’s just sitting at the back of the freezer taking up space. I don’t want it to go to waste, but I’m clueless about how to use it in a way that is pleasing to everyone.

I’m laughing at this line in a song, “Put on your high-heeled sneakers we’re going out tonight, And bring your boxing gloves in case some fool wants to fight.” The lyrics are funny enough on their own, but when you remember that Ronnie Milsap was blind, it makes for a hilarious mental image.

Thank you to those who’ve subscribed recently. I do hope you’ll feel free to comment away and create conversations. While I’d much rather be sitting and having coffee with you, this is safer and more practical. This format can ultimately be more fun than any social media platform. And if you do want to have coffee, just let me know!

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Cancer Update  /  Morning Update  /  Music
Morning Update 3/9/24
March 9, 2024

Billy Joel, 1983
Billy Joel, “An Innocent Man” 1983 pressing [2024]

Night was cut short despite going to bed early. I was still dressed when my head hit the pillow a little after 8 PM. Despite having spent most of the day in bed thanks to all the rain, I felt exhausted. Somewhere along the line, I did finally drop down to my base layer, but even then I wasn’t conscious enough to remember my actions. The possibility existed that I might actually wake up feeling rested.

Until 1:30 AM. Hamilton decided that was an appropriate time to go out. His signals are obvious. He shakes a couple of times, then does a fake sneeze. At that point, my only choice is to either get up, get dressed and take him out or deal with piss in the hallway later. Belvedere is pretty good about holding it for an insanely long time. Not Ham.

Of course, it was raining. We were out for three painfully long minutes before coming back in as quietly as possible, trying to not wake anyone else. I herded the dogs back to the room and shut the door to ensure that they wouldn’t roam around making noise. Ham took that as a signal he needed to jump on the bed and roll all over the place sending cats scattering across the room.

A week has passed now since I last visited Mansion Society. I miss that atmosphere and the chance to sit somewhere other than the Recovery Room and talk with someone. If you’re interested in a morning chat, please let me know. If you don’t do caffeine, they have some great homemade lemonade or original Coke in a bottle with real sugar, the way the gods intended. Consider this your contribution to my continued treatment.

One matter needs clarification this morning. Someone is spreading a rumor that at least three surgeries are necessary after recovering from chemotherapy for CLL. Generally speaking, that information would be wrong. According to the American Cancer Society, it is rare that a splenectomy is necessary after chemotreatment. Surgery does not cure blood cancers. Chemo can put CLL into molecular remission, which is our goal, but no permanent cure exists. Please, stop spreading rumors. My oncologist gets tired of questions they’ve already answered.

Billy Joel’s 1983 album, “An Innocent Man” is on frequent repeat this morning in the Recovery Room. The whole thing. Six hits came from this recording, forming a stylistic foundation for music in the mid-80s. This one is important because it’s recorded during the period he was first dating Christie Brinkley. A song about her even appears on the album. He knew what he was getting into before the wedding.

It’s the lyrics to the title song that keeps me resetting the needle over and over.

Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by.

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie.

…

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began.

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man.

How many people do I know, including myself, who can relate to the song on multiple levels even now? There’s a timelessness to this album that makes it invaluable.

I have more to talk about, but it’s taken two hours and two trips outside with the dogs to get this much written. I’m going to take a break.

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Current Issues  /  Morning Update  /  News & Comment  /  Politics  /  pop culture
Morning update: 3/8/24
March 8, 2024

Never Safe Enough [AI background behind original 2008 photograph]

Multiple people in the family are sad this morning that Akira Toriyama, the creator of Dragon Ball comics, has died at age 68. My older boys especially were obsessed with Dragon Ball when they were younger. It’s frightening how often creative lives run short.

I’m trying to settle in for a day of rain. Normally, that means extra pain meds to try and keep the arthritis at bay. This morning, oddly enough, it is only the end knuckles on three fingers on my right hand that are giving me fits. I’ve no idea why I’m getting this particular segmentation.

Reading through the reviews of last night’s State of the Union address, I’m convinced that the people in Georgia who elected Marjorie Taylor Greene must be as equally disgusting as she is. Otherwise, they would have had her out of office by now. She’s an embarrassment to a political system that does a good enough job of embarrassing itself.

How the hell do tires fall off an airplane? It happened to a United Airlines flight leaving San Francisco shortly after 11:30 yesterday. The tire fell into an employee parking lot, damaging several cars. This absolutely blows my mind. Why the fuck do we still fly when it’s increasingly obvious no one’s maintaining the damn planes?

My brain is not working well this morning. The number of corrections I have to make to my typing is disappointing. Maybe I’ll write more later.

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