Holidays
Happy Easter & Trans Day of Visibility
Yesterday was not a good brain day. I try to have one additional post every day so that you don’t look over at the list of recent posts and see a string of Morning Updates. That wasn’t possible yesterday. My brain could not complete something as simple as sharing a YouTube video. There was no solid cognition. I’d read something and the content would immediately be gone. I’d watch a video and have no idea what I’d just watched. I baked chicken drumsticks for dinner and forgot to add any seasoning (we still ate them). I forgot to put my phone on the charger before going to bed. The dogs did remind me to take them outside, so that was done, but I can’t claim any other completed objective for the day.
In fact, yesterday was such a bad-brain day that I almost considered running for president. 🤣
Today isn’t starting off much better, just in a different way. It’s raining. The arthritis pain kicked in a little after 4:00 this morning. My overall pain level is sitting at an eight. There are still meds I can’t take until after I’ve eaten breakfast, but it still doesn’t bode well for the day. My typing is slow. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have to play for anyone’s Easter service, not that I’ve been asked any time in the past 20 years. My fingers object to every move, the pressing of each key. I can only imagine what it would feel like if I had to use Poppa’s old manual typewriter to create this post!
I still find it incredible that there are people so fucking stupid that they think the President had anything to do with setting Trans Day of Visibility on the same day as Easter. I’ll say it again: Trans Day of Visibility is static: March 31 every year. Easter moves around: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox, because you need a little paganism in your religious holiday. No politics in any of it. Get off your fucking stupid hobby horse.
There are no Easter baskets in our house this year. The kids aren’t remotely interested. Kat did get them both a chocolate bunny, which they’ve already devoured, but it wasn’t out of any religious commemoration; the bunnies were on sale. Yes, they do make sugar-free Easter chocolate, but you have to order it directly from Russel Stover two weeks in advance and there’s no discount. Besides, Russel Stover’s sugar-free chocolate gives me the runs.
We also won’t be having any big Easter dinner. I’m not sure we ever have, though I can’t remember any past Easters with any level of detail. Kat’s with Brandon’s family and even if we had the money the kids aren’t interested in dining out. So, leftovers it is.
My hands want nothing more than to stay balled up into fists. We’ll see if I post anything else later. Thanks for reading.
Here it is St. Patrick’s Day and for the second year in a row, there’s no Guinness in the house. No Jameson, either. Not every holiday comes with drink requirements, but this one does and it feels wrong to not be able to partake. Not even a shot. This is just another one of the things that goes with being on chemo. I’ve mentioned it before, I know. If we were having corned beef for lunch today, that might help, but we’re not. Corned beef costs far too much for our budget, especially when considering how much of it we have to cook to keep the kids pleased. Five pounds is barely enough for the kids.
When cancer treatment starts, it’s easy to think, “I got this. We’ll make it through. No problem.” The longer treatment continues, though, and the side effects get worse, not better, and you miss being around your friends, and you begin to feel the weight of the treatment as an emotional burden, the more difficult it is to hold onto any kind of hope. I keep telling myself, “Maybe next year.” Maybe. Who knows what might happen over the next 365 days? There are no promises that the backside of treatment won’t leave me with lingering side effects. There are no promises that as one treatment ends another becomes necessary.
This is where the depression kicks in. Every day, there is something that you’re missing, something you want to do and can’t. Dance a jig? I never have been a dancer, but trying such a thing now would land me on my butt. Go to a burlesque show? Sorry, I can’t stay out that late. Bingo night with the other old folks? I don’t dare. They might be contagious.
At least I have coffee. The day they take that away from me, I’ll have no choice but to die.
The problem of archived digital photographs is coming to bear in a painful way. The above photo was taken with a five-megapixel Canon 5D. In 2005, it was the best in its class for digital SLRs. One of the promises of digital photography was supposed to be that we could return to them at any time and re-process them without damaging the negative. That’s proving not necessarily to be the case.
JPEG artifacts are the problem. Or maybe it is software that doesn’t accommodate how formats were written to disc 20 years ago. Whatever the issue may be, I’m finding that trying to fix the color in old images, which is a frequent necessity, is difficult. This morning, it’s the red channel that won’t cooperate. There are places where original settings can’t be changed or improved. The data can’t be overwritten.
Part of the problem may be that I no longer have the original RAW file. In theory, I shouldn’t have as many color issues working from the original. However, this photo was processed from an uncompressed TIFF file which should contain all the same digital information as the RAW file. This has me concerned that our digital files may not have the archival longevity that we had hoped.
I need some things from the store but no one currently in the house can drive, there’s not a car available if they could, and delivery isn’t an option. Maybe this time next year.
They don’t all identify as witches, but their spells are captivating
WHY AM I STILL SICK?
I miss everything this holiday season because this stupid virus won’t disappear. Since I won’t see costumes until after the fact, I decided to undress some of my favorite people who I happen to know are full of magik. They rarely use their powers for evil (unless you cross them), but they are seductive healers who can force a smile on the most belligerent of faces. We took some liberties, of course. You’d never catch them actually looking like this. They’d disappear before you had the chance, and by then you’d already be under their spell.
There are worse things that could happen, though.
A flurry of holiday cheer as we end our last year
Most years I’ve struggled to find anyone who wanted to shoot a holiday set, especially one that was even mildly erotic. The last holiday set we did was three years ago when I coerced family into pretending to be Santa and his elves. The sexiest holiday set, though, was shot ten years ago. That model has now moved West and recently gave birth to her second child. A lot has changed. Kids have grown. Lives move on and, hopefully, improve.
The gaps between those years, though, are telling. The greater majority of the time, I haven’t shot in December at all. People are too busy, concerned with whatever is going on in their own lives. It’s been a good time to update the website, do an annual review, and make plans for the next year. The absence of a holiday set is not something that has been egregiously noticeable. No one’s pounding on my door, anxious to get in some holiday portraits.
This year is different, though. A little over a week ago, I happened to find myself at FocusOn Studio at the same time as a group of friends and acquaintances who were all gung-ho about getting in some final shots before I put up the camera. They came with ideas in tow and we filled the evening casually moving between taking pictures and pleasant conversations. The sets weren’t excessively large, we processed five or six photos from each, just enough to capture an emotion or a brief storyline. They’re as fun and enjoyable as we all want our holidays to be.
So, here is my final holiday gift to you: five fun, erotic sets filled with holiday spirit. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. With all the sets, remember to click on a thumbnail to view the images fullscreen on your device.
The Santa Suspension
Those who’ve been paying attention for several years know that Shibari, the Japanese form of body rope art, is something I’ve enjoyed shooting. My first date with Kat involved shooting a rope suspension set. Some of my best pictures have been along this theme. Being invited to shoot this particular set was an unexpected honor. The person tying normally takes his own pictures and did on this instance as well. He requested that I shoot at the same time, however, because the nature of the suspension was such that he needed to be free to act quickly should anything go wrong. There’s always a risk level to these shoots and everyone I’ve worked with has always been diligent about safety. This was no exception. The set was fun to shoot and makes a beautiful end to that part of my career.
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Endless Childhood
You should have seen the expression on her face when I showed her the rocking horse. That she’s well past the age when most people amuse themselves in such fashion was irrelevant. Her excitement was contagious and fueled this fun holiday set. Sure, the horse is only in one shot, but sometimes one little thing is all it takes to take a set from meh to marvelous. We can only hope everyone has this joyous a holiday.
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Angel With A Dirty Mind
I’ve always been careful about shooting with the sets available at FocusOn because I know they appear in hundreds, perhaps thousands, of other pictures shot by other photographers and I’m reluctant to shoot something that might appear as though I’m copying someone else’s work. After we shot The Santa Suspension, though, I looked at this facade, noticed some nearby fabric, and had an idea. The concept is a bit involved, so bear with me.
In the now-classic Christmas movie Home Alone, Kevin watches and makes use of a faux movie called Angels With Filthy Souls. While the movie inside of a movie is fake, it’s based on a 1938 movie with James Cagney called Angels With Dirty Faces. Cagney plays a gangster (a frequent role for him) trying to corrupt a bunch of street kids, mostly teens and young adults.
The concept of playing off a religious theme in reference to something obviously not religious isn’t new, but as I pinned the fabric to the model’s hair, there was no denying the angelic overtones created. Perhaps, had we put her in a white or light blue gown, the images might have resembled religious iconography. We didn’t do that, though. She’s damn-near naked and the resulting juxtaposition is, in my opinion, nothing short of glorious.
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Gifts For A Grinch
Almost from the moment it was published, How The Grinch Stole Christmas! became a holiday classic. We’ve read the book, watched the movies, and been constantly amused by the multiple iterations and representations of the green grouch who threatens to spoil the holidays for everyone in Whoville. Over the years, I’ve been amused at how seriously we take the story. Psychological analysis has been done not only on the Grinch, who some look upon with sympathy for having been bullied and outcast but also on the citizens of Whoville and their obsession with the holiday. Our attachment to the Grinch is personal.
The story in this set runs along the line of a voluptuous young woman offering our nearly-naked Grinch the simple gift of a ribbon and, by the end, maybe a little more. This is no children’s bedtime story. Think of it more as holiday cosplay with a happy ending.
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Santa’s Admin On December 26
Everyone gets all hyped over the gift-giving holidays and the tales and legends of the jolly old gift-giver in the red suit. The emotion and energy employed getting us to December 25 outdo any effort on any project the rest of the year. Our entire focus is on that one day.
And what happens afterward? For many, it’s the busiest shopping day of the year and returns and exchanges are made while others try to take advantage of end-of-year inventory sales. The assumption is that Santa goes home and snuggles in bed, presumably with Mrs. Claus, and takes a long nap. But as he does, who’s minding the shop? Admittedly, there wouldn’t be a whole lot to do on the day after Christmas. A normally busy admin might tend to get a bit bored and with no one else at the North Pole working that day, she might just find creative ways to amuse herself. This is what happens when Santa forgets that very specific toy she wanted.
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There you have them, five wonderfully erotic sets for the holidays. What a fun way to close out the year! Yes, I’ll post a year-end review on Sunday, but I wanted to offer this special entry that I hope you’ll remember for years to come.
There Is A Penalty For Leaving
Watch full screen with sound on, please
Imagine showing up to a hotel, exhausted and weary from travel. You get the key to your room and open the door to find the maid there, tidying up, fluffing pillows, adding the final touches for your stay. She smiles. She seems friendly.
But after she leaves, you notice things are just a bit off. The towels are a deep red, the color of blood. An array of bandages sit on a shelf in the bathroom. The sheets are ice cold. The chocolates on the pillow are already unwrapped. And “Hotel California” plays on an endless loop through an unseen sound system.
Tired, you get ready for bed. All that matters is that you get a good night’s sleep. The maid appears to “tuck you in.” Just one of the “special” room services the hotel offers. She turns out the light, but you never hear her leave.
Your sleep is tortured by nightmares. You toss and turn. Then, you’re awakened by a piercing scream down the hall. That’s it, you’ve had enough. You get dressed, pack your bag, and get ready to leave.
The maid is standing in the hallway as you shut your room door behind you. “There’s a penalty for leaving early,” she says. Then she smiles in a way that ignites fear throughout your body. Your mind says run but your feet won’t move.
Don’t worry, it’s just a dream. Maybe.
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A rainy Father’s Day didn’t stop the kids from being able to stop by and see Grandpa Bob’s toy.
Father’s Day is one of those holidays that means less to me now that my own father is gone. Yes, we remember him fondly, but we do so on other days as well. As for my own adult offspring recognizing my participation in their existence, that was always a forced celebration so it’s rare now if I even get a text from any of them. I am increasingly of the opinion, given the ubiquity of single-parent families, that perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should be combined into a single Parents’ Day so to both recognize the effort of parents filling both gender and avoid the immediate depression that comes from having a day that specifically celebrates someone who, for many, was the perpetrator of their abuse.
Father’s Day is still a bit awkward with the younger two. Sure, they call me Dad, but it’s never been something I force on them and pushing Father’s Day on them has the effect of reminding them of the deficiencies of their biological participant. However, they are fortunate to have Kat’s Dad, warmly referred to as Grandpa Bob. The kids love their Grandpa Bob and Grandpa Bob enjoys doing things with his grandkids, especially now that they’re big enough to not require intermittent diaper changes.
Grandpa Bob has always enjoyed aviation but it’s taken on a new enthusiasm as he recently purchased a used Ercoupe, a two-seat craft from the mid-twentieth century that still enjoys a fierce and loyal following. Grandpa Bob is still tweaking the engine and since it was raining, going for a ride wouldn’t have been advisable anyway. Instead, we met Grandpa Bob at the open hangar where he stores the plane.
Are kids and airplanes ever not a good mix? Maybe with infants whose ears object to the change in air pressure. Outside that, there’s not much anything more cool than getting to sit in the cockpit of an airplane, any airplane. Needless to say, they were thrilled. Pictures were required. We hope you’ll enjoy seeing them as much as we enjoyed taking them.
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Body Art With Pashur House
Several years have passed since we’ve photographed a body art project that wasn’t abstract. Doing bodypainting well is time-consuming and requires not only a high level of artistic talent but equally high levels of integrity, flexibility, and personableness. One can have all the talent in the world but still fail if they get grabby with models, can’t work in less-than-perfect conditions, or has the personality of sandpaper. So, when I received a note from Pashur House saying that he was going to be in town this summer, I jumped at the opportunity to re-connect with a longtime friend and create something unique.
Pashur and I first met in 2004 in Atlanta and enjoyed creating several works together then. Right from the start, Pashur impressed me not only with his talent but also with his ability to work in far-from-ideal conditions—a too-dark night club, a crowded public art space, or a room hardly larger than a closet—to produce some of the most amazing work I’d ever seen. Documenting his work and his process was one of the most satisfying creative experiences I’ve enjoyed.
When I moved to Indianapolis, however, that dramatically interrupted our ability to work together. We’ve only seen each other once during this painfully long period of time and while there have been a couple of wonderful local artists who’ve shared their talent, there’s still only one Pashur. Hence, we’ve not done a lot of work in this area, especially the past seven or so years.
In the interim, Pash has been a bit busy. He moved out to LA, got married, traveled the world, has grown an incredibly impressive client list, and been a guest artist or consultant on a number of different body art-related television programs. The number of awards he’s received is beyond impressive. You can see more of his work on his website, CanvasAlive.com.
Pashur is known for creating much of his incredible art with an airbrush. However, traveling as much as he does takes its toll on his equipment and he arrived here with his airbrush not working quite as well as he would have wished. No problem, he’s equally talented with a paintbrush and set about painting our lovely model, Sabrina Nguyen, with a delightfully spooky design that we’ve intentionally held for this Halloween season. Shooting in private space on a web made of chain gave his work the perfect setting and Sabrina made optimal use of it throughout our shoot. I dropped in an original digital background to match the aesthetic.
One of the things that always concerns me when working with Pashur is that he makes the creative process look so damn easy I worry not everyone appreciates all the effort it takes to make these works happen. Like many artists, Pashur carries a sketchbook with him and comes to a situation armed with concepts he likely has been refining for several weeks. Painting can take anywhere from two to six hours or more. Once we’re finished shooting, processing these images requires careful and precise methodology so as to not diminish his artwork in any way. In total, I can easily say the images below represent more than 60 accumulated hours of careful work.
I’ve missed working with Pashur and we’re both hoping that we don’t have to wait so many years before doing so again. My tremendous thanks to both Pashur and Sabrina for sharing their talents. Click on any of the thumbnails below to see the images full screen.Â
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A reminder that color can exist in a black and white world
The joys of children at Christmas lasts, at the most, five minutes; just long enough for them to rip through the wrapping paper, tear open their presents, then start hitting each other with the boxes. After that, you want, nay, need a distraction. This is our gift to you.
As depressing as the world is, and as committed as we are to black-and-white imagery this next year, we felt it important on this holiday to remind our friends that color does still exists. There is still joy in the world, even though it most certainly has gone into hiding. Peace probably exists somewhere, though I’m beginning it learned the secret to interstellar travel before the rest of us. There are good things, here and there.
We chose pictures that had not been processed before. You’ve likely seen other images from these sets, but not these. We also looked for images with a different, perhaps silly expression; something one doesn’t normally see in our standard portraits. I dared to select some on white backgrounds, though I don’t really like white backgrounds for portraits because it does really strange things to the amber channel.
Holidays do strange things to our senses, as well. We lose many of them. We remember those two or three minutes of joy and then choose to completely forget the rest of the chaos so that we can tell everyone that we’ve had a good holiday. The truth is, for most of us, that holidays fall into one of three categories: a stress, a pain, or a bore. Distractions that can take one’s mind off the reality are welcome.
So, here’s your break. Our gift to you. You’re welcome.
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Memories that won’t scare the Dickens out of you
It’s Christmas Eve. The kids and Kat are all in bed. Even the dogs have snuggled down for the night. Only one kitten, the calico, still roams around, chasing some piece of fluff that is invisible to the human eye.  We’ve managed to play it as low-key as possible tonight. Grandpa Bob stopped by for a dinner of ham and dressing, gave the little ones their presents, and watched The Polar Express with them before leaving.
A glass of scotch and a fresh cigar await me. No milk and cookies, thank you. I fear the bump in blood pressure from the cookies more than I do getting cancer from the cigar. The holidays are exhausting and I’m not the one who has to make 28 stops-per-second in order to deliver toys to every child on the planet. The way I figure it, Santa is that alcoholic CEO who barks orders all year and then sobers up just in time to make an impressive showing at the annual stockholders meeting. The elves secretly hate him but he has a face that’s good for business.
Digging back through the archives, again, I came across a couple of photos I didn’t know I still had. They’ve not been seen in almost ten years. I found some others I’d intentionally been ignoring. Between batches of cookies and an absolutely dreadful last-minute dash to the grocery store, a trip that might have cost me my life were Kat not so incredibly calm in a crowd, I managed to edit the set, or re-edit in some cases. They’re not new photos by any means. They’re ghosts of photos past, reminding us of people who were once in our lives with great frequency. As Scrooge missed the merriment of his youth, so we miss the friendships represented in these photos.
Damn it, the little dog just barked at that fat Kringle fellow. I had to ask him (Kringle) to make another loop around the state while I put the fuzzy little beast back in bed. I hope the kids don’t stir. I don’t have the energy to hide the presents. One has to be careful about where they store coal.
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Seeing the different in the ordinary
Since yesterday was not so blistering cold as to threaten pneumonia simply setting foot outside, I asked Kat to drop me off downtown with the camera for a couple of hours. It has been a couple of years since I’ve gone wandering around down there on my own, so it was interesting to see just how much has changed, and what’s stayed the same.
There’s really no specific point to the photos we took. Part of the challenge of photographing a place with which one is familiar is finding the things that stand out within the things that are ordinary. So as you look at the photos below, see if you can find what’s different in each one. I promise, there’s something in each one. Some are very subtle, others not so much. Enjoy.
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Because you love us all so much
The holidays are the happiest time of year, are they not? And I just know you can’t wait to share all your happiness and generosity with your favorite photographer. After all, if you had pictures taken any time this year and paid less than $3,000 for the set, then you owe him/her. I mean, my father paid $300 for a single black/white head shot in 1968. What we’ve done for you is probably a bit more complicated. Not that we really care about that sort of thing. We’re only in the business for the art of it all. Eating is totally optional.
Now, I know you must think that we’d all like a new camera, but we don’t necessarily look for you to go with the big bucks. After all, your families should come first. Although, if you think of us like family then, by all means, feel free to respond accordingly. Â Still, there are plenty of things you could get or do for your photographer that would make them very happy this holiday season. We’ll break them down into three easy-to-remember categories and then you can do what you find appropriate from there.
Big Ticket Items
Okay, so no self-respecting photographer is going to ask you to buy them a new camera for the holidays. Still, some of you have taken advantage of a generous soul and gotten pictures for free. Some of you have been doing this for years and yet, when the holidays roll around, what have you done for your photographer? So, here are some big ticket things you can get that will make them happy.
New Glass. Â Now, be careful. Not all lenses are created equal and chances are your photographer is pretty picky about the kind they use. Also, not every lens fits every camera. In fact, lenses have to specifically match the brand and type camera your photographer is using. Still, if you have an extra $1,500 or so you’re not using, I’m sure there’s something they wouldn’t mind adding to their collection. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Pack Gear. Carting expensive gear all over the place can be scary. I wince every time I see a camera sitting in the seat of someone’s car with no protection. If you’ve observed your photographer handling their camera in this manner, then getting them some kind of pack or case is something they would almost certainly appreciate. There are several different kinds. My preference for every-day use is an over-the-shoulder bag that allows me to pull my camera out quickly and start shooting. Others prefer backpack styles and hard cases are a must for the photographer who has to fly frequently. This doesn’t have to be a high-dollar buy, but the more padding and flexibility a pack has the better and, sadly, more expensive.
Light Modifiers. Please don’t consider this option unless you know your photographer fairly well and can get the make and model of his lighting gear without being obvious. Many photographers, especially those with smaller operations, are limited in the number of modifiers they can afford. The more modifiers they have, though, the more creative they can be with your photographs. Prices range from a couple hundred dollars to a couple thousand. Budget accordingly and, by all means, be careful.
Small Ticket Items
Okay, so you don’t have a couple of thousand dollars to dump on your favorite photographer. That’s okay, we still love you and promise you’re our favorite clients ever.  You don’t have to spend all that much to make us happy-er. There are a number of things that would make almost any photographer happy to see under their make-shift tree that sits forlornly in the corner of their tiny little apartment.
Camera straps. Think the broad kind. If your photographer is still using that crappy little strap that came with the camera, they need help. Those little straps are practically worthless in a pinch. I’ve been using the same strap for the past 25 years and even though it’s extremely tattered at this point, I know it could still hold my weight if I need it. Embossed leather is a nice touch, or artisanally woven is colorful if your photographer is vegan. Even the best straps are under $200 this time of year, so you should be able to find something that would fit your budget.
Lens Wraps. As simple as these cloths are, they can really do a let to protect lenses, especially if you happen to live in a climate particularly prone to dust and/or sand. They also come in handy if your photographer travels a great deal. Lenses often get jostled around quite a bit during transport and even if the photographer has a good case having a lens wrapped is great protection. This is a perfect gift for the cash-strapped person as most start around $20.
Tripods. Even if your photographer already has a tripod or two, they can never have too many. There are a variety of sizes and kinds appropriate for different shooting situations. Best yet, some table-top varieties cost as little as $20, so it won’t break your budget. Consider what your photographer already has and help them complete their collection.
Won’t Cost You A Dime
Okay, I get it, money’s tight this year for a lot of people. That’s why you asked if we could discount our already-discounted prices. That doesn’t mean we don’t still love you, though, and anything, absolutely anything you want to do for us is still very much appreciated. You don’t have to spend any money to help us out with some of these gifts.
Referrals. I don’t know of any photographer who couldn’t use some extra business this next year. Even if we looked busy this past year, that doesn’t mean we don’t have openings going into 2017. Of course, we’ll be much more appreciative if they’re referrals that pay full price, but we’re honestly thankful for all the business we get. Thank you in advance.
Credit us when you post photos. Chances are we mentioned this when we first took your pictures but we know how easy it is to forget when you’re in the heat of a picture-posting frenzy. We’re not as likely to be upset if the pictures are over two years old and you’re just posting them for memories’ sake, but the new stuff? Yes, please, by all means. We will be most appreciative.
Food & drink. How well do you know your photographer? Almost all of us have a sweet tooth and more than a few of us enjoy an alcoholic beverage here and there. Okay, so this might cost you a little bit. Still, I know very little makes me happier than a tin of homemade fudge or sugar cookies. Granted, they won’t last very long, but for those few moments, we’ll be thinking nice thoughts of you.
By the way, please be considerate when giving a gift to your photographer to make sure you are sufficiently respecting their religious beliefs. Fortunately, both the first day of Hanukkah and Christmas are on the same day this year. If your photographer is Muslim, however, you don’t have as much time as the prophet’s birthday is this Monday, the 19th. Of course, several of us celebrate Festivus and the Solstice and Kwanzaa as well. It’s not going to hurt you to ask which holidays we celebrate, though, because some come with limits on what is acceptable. Me, personally, I’m good with anything at any time. Especially if you’re bringing alcohol. Scotch, please.
Look around. There are a lot of people in your life who provide services for you at or below costs. You know who they are. Show them all some appreciation, even if it’s only a handful of cookies. Your gestures of kindness really are appreciated.
Because holidays aren’t fun if you play them straight
There is so much going on in the world today that makes it almost seem wrong to feel happy or even smile. There’s the election results, the possibility of a Russian intrusion into our system, the upside down, nonsensical manner in which cabinet members are being selected, the whining and the crying over Facebook’s take on fake news, and just an incredible amount of stupidity on the part of far too many people.
This has been a rough year, no doubt about it. As a result, I think there’s plenty of room to be a bit snarky about the holidays. If one has any Grinch tendencies, now’s the time to let them all out, get them aired and out of the way and then everyone can go on with their lives. Maybe if we let the snark out a bit, we might actually feel a little better because one of the less joyous emotions about this time of year is everyone is so freakin’ busy with their shopping and gift wrapping that they don’t actually listen to why you’re saying unless you stomp your feet and shout a little bit.
So, we’re going to go full snark for a little bit and just air some of our grievances about the whole holiday season. I’m putting on my green Grinch suit and hooking the little lost dog up to a sled with the demand he pulls me to the nearest Chinese buffet. It’s time we cleared the air about a few things.
What’s the deal?
Why the fuck is everyone taking a full two-week vacation this year? Late night talk show hosts are wishing everyone a Merry Christmas tonight and won’t be back until January 2 or 3. Most network series have already gone on hiatus for the month unless their ratings need the boost from being the only fresh thing still on television. Companies were all having their holiday parties this week so that no one would be left out. There are even some smaller shops in the local area who posted notices they’ll be closed starting the 19th. What the fuck? Since when did everyone get a two-week break?
Of course, this goes along with the typically inconvenient break kids get from school. Back when I was a kid and we walked across mountains that no longer exist, we didn’t get out for winter break until the 22nd or 23rd of December, depending on what day of the week Christmas actually hit. We were still back on January 2, too. School didn’t let out for just any willy-nilly reason because our parents worked, dammit. They didn’t have time to stay home and take care of our rambunctious asses. Â That’s probably a good thing, too, because I’m pretty sure that if they had we’d have gone back to school missing a few classmates. Our parents took capital punishment seriously.
The last two weeks of the year are always lousy if you want to actually get anything done at work, too. I remember when I was still considered a rookie and was too poor to take any time off work. Trying to get anything done was impossible. Half the people necessary to sign off on anything were gone until the first of the year. We’d have our weekly department meeting and only three out of 27 of us would be there. And good luck trying to find a model this time of year. The agencies would just laugh when we called. I don’t see how companies don’t go bankrupt with no one getting any actual work done.
None of this makes any sense
I would still like to know who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to put the biggest holiday of the year right smack in the middle of the most inhospitable and contrary weather we have. My guess is it was someone down under where they’re having a nice, cozy summer right about now because a holiday in December makes absolutely no freakin’ sense in the Northern hemisphere. I mean, have you looked outside recently? If you live in the Northern United States, all you see is white and cold. Folks in the state of Maine are looking at temperatures this weekend that could reach -40°! No one wants to get out and go shopping in that kind of weather, and I don’t care how much they’re getting paid, the guys at UPS don’t want to be out there delivering your online orders, either. Having a major holiday that involves traveling and being outside for any reason in the middle of winter is just fucking stupid.
Besides, everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25. Let’s just stop perpetuating that stupid little myth.
Which brings us to another major annoyance I happen to have. People get all upset about the “war on Christmas” when Christmas is actually a war on Solstice celebrations. Facts are facts, folks, and there are more than enough documents to support me in this. Early Christians flat out stole the Christmas tree, putting candles or lights on said tree, the concept of gift giving, wrapping paper, and even that whole story about some fat guy in a red suit. Every last one of those ideas was stolen from pagans. There’s absolutely nothing genuinely Christian about Christmas, so stop getting so fucking upset if someone says “Happy Holidays” or if the decorations on your coffee cup aren’t too your liking. There is no fucking war on Christmas. The war is in Syria and they don’t have time for Christmas because all the children are dead now, thank you.
Don’t think you’re any better with Islamic or Jewish traditions either. Our Jewish friends are all about celebrating Hanukkah for eight days. They’ve made a party around some slow-burning oil in the middle of a relatively minor skirmish in the middle of a war they actually lost. Yeah, that really sounds like something to celebrate.  Meanwhile, Muslims celebrate the birthday of their prophet on Monday, the 19th, assuming they’re paying attention. You see, they use some strange system where the prophet’s birthday never falls on the same day each year. Last year, it was back in the middle of summer, which makes a helluva lot more sense anyway. And they can’t say his name nor depict his likeness without getting into trouble, which makes greeting cards and singing Happy Birthday a little more than awkward.
Have I insulted enough people yet? No? Okay, I’ll continue.
‘Tis The Season To Be Greedy
I’m not so sure but maybe it’s time to revise the whole Santa Claus story. After all, for far too many people in America, the very concept of a fat white guy entering their house in the middle of the night is not a good omen. Shit’s going to go down and it’s not going to be pretty, elves or not. Maybe if Santa took the form of your kind but lonely uncle who never married and spends most of the holidays quietly drinking eggnog in the corner. I mean, we want him to be a kind and familiar figure, but we don’t want to really get all that close to him.
And what the fuck is up with setting children on his lap? Are we trying to encourage pedophilia or what? Stick with the letter writing. More kids need to learn to write letters, anyway. In today’s digital world, there are far too many kids who have absolutely no freakin’ clue what a stamp and envelope even is. Hell, they see a mail carrier and think they’re just a Fed Ex person who lost their truck. Now that I think about it, why don’t we make Santa Claus more like mail carriers: a nice, friendly, gender-neutral person who delivers packages and maces your dog. That sounds entirely workable to me. The damn dog needs to learn to stop charging the fence.
We need to stop encouraging kids to be so damn greedy, too. Why? Because look what they grow into: people like you and me. People who think the world owes them something just for being nice. You know damn good and well that’s a pile of bullshit. The world doesn’t owe anyone anything, and you’re certainly not going to get presents from someone who doesn’t know you.
Besides, the kids aren’t that good anyway. Have you seen kids today? They talk back to their parents as though they had some right to open their damn little mouths. Kids start bullying each other and calling each other names all the way down in preschool. Why are we rewarding that kind of behavior? Maybe if we actually gave more kids lumps of coal and then made them burn it to keep warm they might appreciate just how nice they have it, living in a structure with a solid roof and someone putting clean clothes on their little bodies every morning.
One last thing: Why is no one capable of writing a decent holiday song anymore? I keep hearing these new Christmas songs and every one of them is a complete piece of crap that no one wants to remember two minutes after it’s over. All the good holiday songs are older than I am: White Christmas, Chestnuts roasting o’er an open fire (The Christmas song), Rudolph, Winter Wonderland, Sleigh Ride, and even the ultra-creep Baby, It’s Cold Outside. All of those songs are at least half a century old and we’re getting rather tired of hearing them. Yet, no one seems to be capable of writing a decent holiday song. Grammy awards be damned, if no one remembers your song 12 months later, it was a piece of shit.
Let’s get real: our parents coddled us too much and we grew up into a big bunch of selfish, greedy bastards who deny science and think that electing an utter moron as president is a good idea. That’s right, Trump became president all because our parents were too soft on us during the holidays. This whole freakin’ year is your fault and no one deserves to get a damn thing in their stockings except holes.
There, I think that’s everything. Well, the big things, at least. I’m done snarking up the holidays. Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, though. We still have a couple of days before the first holiday hits. I’d hate to think I missed insulting someone. Everyone benefits from a snowball upside the head occasionally.
Happy fucking holidays.
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2021 In Review: The Final Year
Our last year started slow but ended with pictures to carry into 2022
This was the year that broke the proverbial camel’s back. After 37 years, we decided that the costs were too high, the effort too great, and the frustrations too often to bother continuing as a photographer. Officially, we pull the plug on New Year’s Day, but barring some exceptional occurrence, we’ve already taken the last picture. The camera is safely stowed in case I decide to pull it out again, but it’s out of the way, out of sight, and hibernating. One of my chores today is to remove the lights from the back of the car and store them out in the shed along with my tripod and reflectors. We’re done.
Sort of. As slow as this year started, the last six months have been full of activity, much more than we’ve had time to process. Much of this was intentional. I wanted to have enough new material to still enter juried shows for the next couple of years (assuming they survive). As a result, I still have several hundred unprocessed images waiting for my attention. I won’t release them as regularly as I have before, and when I do it may be a single image rather than a full set.
From a public perspective, we’re taking this website into archive mode. There will be no information about booking or hiring. We’ll re-work the portfolios and they’ll take a dominant position on the front page in video format. New material will be toward the bottom of the front page and most easily accessible through social media posts.
Can I be coaxed into shooting again? Maybe. We’ll see how it goes. If I do, it will be on a shoot-by-shoot basis. The concepts need to be original and enticing, something I’ve never shot before, and the people involved need to be exciting. And it will cost more. Just getting everything checked and out the door is going to be more of an effort, so the price is going to be higher. No, I still won’t shoot your wedding. I’ll officiate if you ask (yes, I can do that), but I won’t take pictures.
So, here’s a brief glance back at what we did this year. There’s not a lot. Jan-April was pretty slim. We didn’t post anything the entire month of May because there wasn’t anything to post. That’s largely what prompted this decision. As always, click on a thumbnail to view to collection full screen on your device. Thank you for all the years you’ve watched, encouraged, and commented. We’ll miss you.
-charles
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