Sunday Morning Update: 12/22/24

Sunday Morning Update: 12/22/24

December 22, 2024

Insanity Unhinged Edition

Unhinged. Completely off my rocker. Probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public, certainly not on my own. I’m out of sync with the universe and I’m feeling pressure to scream. I won’t scream because it would take the kids. The same children who were on their phones at five o’clock in the goddamn morning. Punishment? They have to live with me, isn’t that punishment enough? I’m being silly. Or am I? Frankie is certainly silly, sitting here with a stopped-up nose, trying to clean that one spot on his butt he can’t quite reach, knocking medicine bottles off the desk, sniffing at my coffee, and then making a face accusing me of being the crazy one.

You want to know what’s really crazy? A pickup truck driver ramming into a mall in Texas. Is it a trend or was he simply drunk? We’ll never know because the cops killed him before he had a chance to tell his story. His actions injured five, but killed no one, unlike the similar event in Germany. The German monster has been nuts for a while, was known by police, killed six, and wounded over 200, but he is still alive. US cops are quick to kill people here. They know nothing’s going to happen. Few cops are ever prosecuted for murder. We just assume they stopped something worse from happening. We’re gullible like that.

You know what else is crazy? AI may have claimed its first homicide. Suchir Balaji, the former OpenAI engineer to blew the whistle on possible copyright violations in ChatGPT, was found dead in his San Francisco apartment. He was 26. At the moment, the cops are leaning toward suicide. There’s no note, though. Friends and family say suicide is out of character. What did the AI do? Were there threats being made? Was he being harassed? Did he cross the wrong bot? There’s little question that the problems Balaji raised in October were creating a significant legal hurdle for OpenAI. Who was prompting whom? I don’t think this should be treated as run-of-the-mill suicide.

And then, there’s old-school lunacy, like when the president-elect, who has no real power before January 20, says he may demand that Panama turn over the canal to the US. Mind you, Panama is a sovereign nation. The canals have belonged to Panama since December 31, 1999 thanks to a treaty signed by then-President Jimmy Carter. The treaty allows the US to “protect the neutrality” of the canal, but keep its hands off operations. The incoming president has ZERO legal grounds and even thinking that he can tell Panama to do anything is the same kind of Imperialist thinking that doomed the British Empire, back when that was a thing. Maybe he’ll ask deClerk to bring Apartheid back to South Africa next. I’m sure that would make the Musk family happy. [Fortunately, deClerk is dead. I double-checked to make sure.]

Oh, but there’s so much more crazy to behold this holiday season. Have you heard of Christmas Adam? Yes, this is something invented by illiterate evangelicals because “Adam came before Eve.” I know it sounds like a bad joke, doesn’t it? But it’s a real thing. Apparently, Christmas Adam is celebrated on the 23rd, you know, before Christmas Eve. Yeah, everyone knows that ‘Eve’ is short for evening. They’re just rolling in the ignorance of it all. Some churches are even having special services. While some are saying it’s ‘just a joke,’ not everyone is laughing. There are a large number of people who take Festivus pretty seriously and that’s supposed to be on December 23. Perhaps Festivus celebrants can mention Christmas Adam in their airing of grievances.

Do you know what is making me crazy? Knowing that I might run out of pet food before any new money comes in. Knowing that I have absolutely nothing to give Kat or any of my adult children. Knowing that I’ll spend most of Christmas day (and all the days before and after) at home, alone, again, because of chemo. Not having any of the holiday candies or cookies that permeated my childhood. Listening to what sometimes sounds like voices in the heating vents (there are no voices in the heating vents). Going on week 8 or something of this stupid headache. Not understanding why six animals, including both dogs, are suddenly staring at my window. The lack of coffee on tap. Being hungry but too dizzy to risk cooking breakfast.

I think I’m going to embrace this insanity for a while. There’s no one here to stop me. I’m just here doing stupid shit.

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Saturday Morning Update: 12/21/24

December 21, 2024

I almost dropped my coffee mug. That’s how today’s going. My left hand is so weak that I can’t lift the full mug with one hand. This is my third consecutive winter holiday season while on chemo. While the blood tests show the cancer in remission, there’s still the need to make sure it stays that way. So, for another year, I’m on the sidelines. No parties. No get-togethers. Hell, I haven’t even been able to get Kat a gift. I feel somewhat like I’m sitting inside a well-refrigerated snow globe, watching the holidays pass around me. They look like fun, but they’re not part of my reality.

The holidays are hitting differently, and by the way, for you ‘war-on-Christmas’ types, Hannukah and Christmas are on the same day this year. If you’re only saying ‘Merry Christmas,’ you’re being rude, possibly anti-Semitic. That being said, how does one gift-wrap a latke? I have potatoes, maybe I’ll give Kat food.

I’m not really in the mood to cook, though. Holiday baking is out of the question. Holiday treats take time, care, and patience. I have none of those traits at the moment. I also don’t have the ingredients. Not enough recipes come with sugar-free options and as much as I’m tempted to say, “It’s the holidays, fuck it,” my sugar levels haven’t been level so over-indulging probably isn’t the smartest move. Still, I’m really jonesing for some good, old-fashioned fudge—all the flavors. And Aunt Bill’s Brown Candy, Talk about a handbreaker! I remember helping Mother make this, it was always my favorite. The amount of work it takes, though, is enormous and if I can’t hold a coffee mug I damn sure don’t need to be messing with a cast iron skillet.

There are silver linings if one chooses to mine them. For example, there’s absolutely zero chance I’m going to be hurt or killed by a vehicle driving into a holiday bazaar. I won’t pull a hamstring while out running in a min-marathon somewhere. I’m not adversely affected by the sudden rise in egg prices. Life could be, and has been, much harder than it is.

Still, if what we’re looking for in this season is Peace on Earth, we’re not likely to find it around here. Get a load of the headlines this morning:

With headlines like that, you know there are too many tears being shed for anyone to have a ‘happy’ holiday. If you are someplace warm, you are fortunate. If you have food, you are well off. If you have clean clothes, you are privileged. If you have coffee, you are comparatively rich.

The plight of immigrants working dangerous food service jobs should probably be getting more attention than it is. We are so woefully ignorant of the millions of jobs filled by immigrants. If we begin deporting them, as the president-elect plans to do, the empty jobs will still be there. Who’s going to fill them? How much are you willing to pay for frozen pizza? People in Oregon are getting letters telling them to snitch on neighbors who ‘might’ be illegal. No, they’re not from any government organization. Snitching on immigrants is lower than cheating on a spouse, in my opinion.

Perhaps some form of holiday spirit will arrive without necessitating a visit from historical specters. I have cats aggressively reminding me that petting them lowers my blood pressure. The dogs are advocating for more naps. Can you wrap a nap? I could be a professional napper at this point. Need a nap? Don’t worry, I’ll take one for you!

Oh, with both Big Lots and Party City announcing that they’re closing, make sure you stock up on the cheap stuff if you can. I have a bad feeling about the future of ‘discount’ stores.

I think that’s enough for today. I hear there are football games running around here and there. Maybe I’ll find one.

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Wednesday Morning Update: 12/18/24

December 18, 2024

One week from today: planned chaos. Those who aren’t preparing for chaos either live completely alone or don’t have the experience to know better. December 25 permeates all cultures, regardless of geography or religion. One is either participating in the chaos or busily affected by the chaos. No one wants to work that day but questions why everything is closed. All month we’re tolerating the endless sounds of songs extolling the virtues of love, peace, and harmony, but when the day actually arrives we get none of those. We get chaos.

Why? We don’t know how to let others be happy. A child unwraps their first-ever holiday gift and proceeds to put the wrapping paper in their mouth. We know when our children are actively tasting everything. So, why do we wrap their gifts? Who is that for? Certainly not the baby. Take the wrapping paper away and the baby cries. Hello, chaos. A teenager doesn’t want to go to the family event where their grandfather is present. “Oh, c’mon, it’s your family. You have to go!” Hello, chaos. Now a surly teen is staring at their phone and objecting when told to give their grandfather a hug, causing a scene.

Then, 5 family members are found dead at a Utah home, and a 17-year-old is hospitalized with a gunshot wound. Yeah, police are assuming the kid did it. Communication is difficult because the teen apparently tried suicide and missed. Why? He wasn’t happy… what fueled their unhappiness is rather irrelevant at this point.

I’m not leaving out the possibility that some people don’t know how to be happy, and their dissatisfaction with everything fuels chaos for everyone around them. This is what makes for tyrannical leaders. They’ll punish entire people groups in an attempt to find the happiness they can’t appreciate.

This is a strange time of year. First comes this headline: Nestle launches protein shots for US weight-loss drug users. And directly under that, is this one: US FDA warns online vendors selling unapproved weight-loss drugs.

For years, those of a certain age have laughed about the futility of that school exercise where students hid under their desks in preparation for a nuclear strike. Crazy, right? But, we like to feel safe even when we aren’t. Sales of nuclear bunkers are increasing. They’ll keep you as safe as your school desk.

One week. Humpday Holiday.

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Tuesday Morning Update:12/17/24

December 17, 2024

The first morning after is impossible. You wake up hoping it was all just a dream. The inevitable jolt of reality hits harder than it did yesterday. Denial is more difficult. The US is the most dangerous place in the world for going to school. Yes, bombs drop on people in Gaza. Schoolchildren in Ukraine have had to stop classes because of the danger. But those are areas of declared war. The enemy doesn’t know the names of the people they’re killing. Here, a boy stabs a girl to death as she walks to school. In Wisconsin, it’s an upset 15-year-old girl who kills another student and a teacher, then shoots several others before turning the gun on herself. And just like that, more families have joined the list of those waking up on what should be a school day and realizing that nothing’s ever going to be the same again.

There have been 323 shootings at K-12 schools in the country this year. Texas, Louisiana, and Maryland have the most. They range from small towns to large cities, both public schools and private. When our children leave for school each morning, we have no guarantee that they are safe. We jump when the phone rings and our heart drops when we see that it’s the school that’s calling. When you’re braced for the potential that something has happened to your child, them having a D in History class isn’t such a big deal anymore. You’re thankful that they’re still breathing.

The Associated Press released its list of ‘influential’ people who died this year. Of course, there’s always some old film star that passes during the last five days of the year, but the list is largely complete. You’re not on it and neither am I. Chances are pretty good that we never will be on one of those lists. What passes as being ‘influential’ does not mean that one is a good person. For many on that list, talent triumphed over character. There are no school shooting victims on the list. Apparently, our children are not ‘influential’ enough.

The kids are not okay. Tests show math skills are in decline. Whether you like math or not, this is important because math helps develop critical thinking skills. And while there are plenty of opinions about education, the fact remains that we’re letting the kids down in more ways than anyone can count. The curricula are insufficient. Arts programs that aid cognitive learning are non-existent. Over seven million students have Individual Education Plans (IEPs) for specific education needs. Their nutrition sucks. Each day 47 US students are diagnosed with cancer. And perhaps most insane of all, we’re actively debating the efficacy of the vaccines that have all but eliminated polio, smallpox, and many other childhood diseases. If we’re wilfully creating this environment for our kids, do we even love them at all? Do we care if they come home from school alive? Our actions and our words don’t match.

I have more years in the past than I do in the future. I probably won’t see the day when this year’s kindergarten class is running the country or the world. But then, that’s assuming that there’s still something to run. The world doesn’t need government if there are no people to govern.

The planet goes on spinning. A self-induced extinction event might help clear the air. Literally.

Tuesday coffee hits differently.

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Sunday Morning Update: 12/08/24

December 8, 2024

Listen carefully to the sounds around the world. Syria’s al-Assad has disappeared. A 50-year dynasty has been deposed. What began with “Arab Spring” ended with over 500,000 dead. Some celebrate—some mourn. Others worry. Will terrorism return? Who has control of chemical weapons? Where are the Kurds? What happens to foreign bases? Humanity excels at creating complex situations and problems that are not easily solved. For all the wars and conflicts, we remain our own worst enemy.

Step away. Ignore the world and read. Spend more time in critical thought. Let the words sink deep. Mull the choice of vocabulary. Consider the implications. Parse what can be taken at face value from that which hides deeper meaning. Expand the ways you see the world.

Step away. Arm yourself with a fresh view of history. Read the books others want banned, even if you’ve read them before. Force yourself to answer the tough questions. Open more than one text at a time so that the brain in your head does not get lazy. Push your mind into unfamiliar territory. Glean wisdom from sources you’ve never known.

Step away. Give yourself time to think. Write down your thoughts. Wrestle with the words. Scratch out that last sentence and try again. Do not type with speed. Question yourself. Argue against your opinions. Let no conclusion go untested. Check the influence of your native biases. Give no ground to the mythologies of your youth.

Refill the coffee mug. The dogs that woke early now rest comfortably on the bed. Thoughts bombard my head, each fighting to be heard. What does it matter that the Eras tour has ended? What are the consequences of old shoes selling for $28 million? Fools part with money even as their own cupboards grow bare. The songs that linger now are those sung long ago. Cherished memories leave no souvenirs.

Age colours my vision. Depth of field is set by my experience. I wander. Is that the ticking of the clock or the sound of my boots as I pace the hallway? How many circles can I make before my legs collapse? I would dance but the music changes too quickly.

No one is well. We struggle to breathe. Moving brings us pain. Eating makes us ill. Medicine numbs us to the cancer that eats at our bodies. We sympathize. We empathize. Yet, we cannot help ourselves let alone give aid to others. We need… so much.

Spin around one last time. Step away.

Hold me. Close.

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Friday Morning Update: 12/06/24

December 6, 2024

Who deserves forgiveness? Who deserves protection? Why is Leonard Peltier still not on the list of those who may be pardoned? Your screams have been heard. Changes were made. Yet, are you any safer than you were at this time yesterday? What is the true benefit of being angry? If anger is the only thing that motivates us, do we genuinely care about the status of life or only the things that threaten us directly? If our motivations are not pure, then our actions are immoral. Still, we continue.

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Vic saw the doctor yesterday and the patch was removed from his eye, leaving a shiner that might give some the impression that his long-suffering wife, Martha, clocked him. I told him it reminded me of the old Tareyton cigarette slogan: “I’d rather fight than switch.” You’ll need to be really old to understand why that’s funny. He’s still face-down until Sunday morning, too uncomfortable to sleep.

Oceans rise. Empires fall. Women struggle through it all. Children die—anger flares. Fear of chaos is everywhere. Do we care? I’m not sure we have the capacity. Who is not overwhelmed when considering the ills the world faces? There are limits in our willingness to fight for someone else’s life. Our own troubles are more than enough.

My bills exceed my income. To whom do I complain? I struggle with the morality of whether to ask for help. That doesn’t stop me from typing, Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter, CashApp: $ciletbetter. G brought me a form this morning to help with Xmas presents for the kids. They’ll be the boxes under the tree we don’t have. Cats and indoor trees don’t mix well. The dogs would be confused.

Perhaps, sometimes, it is better to do without. Are we eating too much chicken? Are we eating too much of everything? We are still the most obese nation in the world. We have difficulty saying ‘no’ to the grumble in our stomachs. A re-evaluation of what we spend on groceries may be appropriate.

As thousands travel to Indy this weekend, our patience will almost certainly be tested. Roads closed. Dining places are full. In return, money is spent, jobs are created. Is the tradeoff worth the trouble? Ask the one whose job depends on the crowd.

My head hurts. My eyes blur. There’s garbage to take out. I need more coffee.

I still love you. I still care.

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Thursday Morning Update: 12/05/24

December 5, 2024

Wind does not whistle past my window; it trumpets, screams, and roars. Feral cats scurry for cover. Random debris blows across the yard. Each gust feels like ice. One coat is not enough. Sending children off to school in such cold feels like cruelty. ‘When I was a kid’ does not apply here. This is different weather. This is a new existence. Check in at the nearest heating vent, pull a blanket over your head, and sleep.

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Vic’s surgery was “difficult but successful.” He is back home but doesn’t seem to be able to relax. The face-down position he’s supposed to maintain is not comfortable. He has to be that way until at least Saturday. He sees the doctor again today. His situation reminds us of our father’s struggles.

You say you want a Revolution
Well, you know
We all wanna change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all wanna change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We are doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You'd better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow

Is this 1968 all over again? We dismissed Lennon’s words the first time around. Revolution never came. The Constitution never changed. No one had a real solution. I hear the voices screaming in anger, but anger alone makes nothing better. Assassinating a CEO does not give anyone better healthcare. Shooting at helpless children does not remove the stain of religion. Committing acts of genocide does not justify one’s position.

Screaming about how bad things are going to be does nothing to stop ‘things’ from being bad. We all want to see a plan. Others have a plan. Where is ours? Who is going to lead? Who is going to stand at the front of the line and announce the charge? Be sure, the enemy has a plan; they’ve shown it to us. Over half of us voted for their plan. This is their revolution.

Even the best and most elaborate plans fail. People still die of hunger. Young men are still asked to give their lives. The least of us still struggle to survive. If you say you want justice, you must first show mercy. If you say you want peace, you must first show compassion. One does not merely speak change into being. One must act. Two must act. Together, we must all act. A movement of music might lead everyone to sing, but what motivates us to march?

Milking the cow is messy. The price of coffee continues to rise. Who decides if we should die?

A beautiful building does not make the mythology real. A paper report does not return lives lost to injustice.

Words are merely interruptions in the quiet of nature. What have you accomplished in sharing your memes? Whose life is improved when you express your outrage? We are not prepared to change anything if we are not comfortable with the sacrifices required. Would the Franks be welcome in your home? Would you destroy the infrastructure of the oligarchy if it meant no streaming service?

Do not give me more words. The noise in my head is already too great a burden to bear. Show me your action, your compassion, and your mercy.

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Wednesday Morning Update: 12/04/24

December 4, 2024

Sweaters Keep Us Warm [2014 original with AI background]

Today is a good day to find your emotionally safe place and stay there. Much of the news one is likely to encounter may be negative, and even frightening. Not everything directly affects you, but what does can cause us to feel threatened or frightened for those we love. What we see is that the entire world is in tumult right now. Even those who had considered fleeing trouble at home are now pondering the ramifications of returning. Is there anyone whose life is stable? Can one quell this rising angst?

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Today is an important surgery day for my younger brother, Victor. He has a Full Thickness Muscular Hole in his right eye. The surgery won’t “fix” the problem but will hopefully keep it from getting any worse. Post-op requires remaining face-down for some period of time. Appropriate furniture for facilitating this need arrived last week. His long-suffering wife, Martha, will do her best to care for him, but this will not be an easy moment for either of them. Vision lost may never return. Our hopes are for a successful and uneventful surgery.

Life comes with threats and risks; some we control while others control us. Even something seemingly as inconsequential as walking around barefoot may cause us trouble. I would remind you that you have already overcome many obstacles that seemed insurmountable at the moment they were encountered. Learning to roll over in your crib was monumental, as was learning to crawl and then walk. Slowly, you learned to speak, to communicate, and then to use your words as a defense against things you did not like. You went to school and survived maneuvering social situations whose etiquette and instruction only seemed to come after having already done something wrong. You studied subjects that seemed to make no sense. You passed tests that threatened to defeat you. Life is partially defined by the things that threaten us the most. Yet, here you are, still breathing, still fighting, and still doing your best.

Remember, this is December. Of all the arguments made for and against this or that, few decisions will be voiced. Resist the urge to borrow trouble from the future, for that trouble may well decide to withdraw itself from consideration. Being ready to defend does not require keeping one’s finger on the trigger. Those who are wise know to rest, to eat well, and to enjoy time with the things you love. Save the fight for when it is needed for those who tilt too often at windmills are not ready when the real enemy is revealed.

May you find comfort to ease your pain. May you have coffee to keep you warm. May your day be filled with the embrace of those who love you.

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Monday Morning Update: 11/25/24

November 25, 2024

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words… Words will cause fear, incite panic, fuel anger, spread divisiveness, and create a breeding ground for disease that consumes one’s own body. Guns may cause some to freeze, others to seek shelter, but words… Words cause us to hide inside ourselves where no one can find us. Words cause us to retreat from life, pull away from friends and family, take remote jobs, and turn off all external communications. Words cause us to become stranded within ourselves at the very time the world needs us the most.

Over the weekend, I passed the second anniversary of filling my body with this radioactive poison called chemotherapy. Three months and fifteen days of this “treatment” remain. Every morning, I have taken these four monstrous pills. Every day, they seek to save my life by ruining it. I am a recluse within my recovery.

The warning on the bottle requires gloves to be worn. The poison can be spread. I remain for all intents and purposes, radioactive. With time, my body has adapted to this condition. So now, as we contemplate a life without poison, we wonder how my body will respond. Will I return to my previous activities or will my body long for a return of the poison? So many people chose the poison this month.

With no children going to school this week, there was no reason for anyone to set an alarm. Pets, accustomed to a specific schedule, do not understand the concept of ‘sleeping in.’ I woke to find dog shit in front of my door, a clear message that I had failed to meet their most basic needs in a timely manner. A chorus arose from the cats demanding to be fed and given fresh water. Their communication skills are considered primitive by some, but yet, do they not ensure that they get what they want? I fold my arms in front of me and Solaris immediately fills them with his presence, quite sure that my intention was to stop typing and hold him. Hamilton also requests to join the cuddle, but his size exceeds my lap space.

The beginning of the holiday season beckons millions to leave their homes and spend time with loved ones. Perils await. Not all airports are welcoming. A denial of service on the part of some may result in the loss of service to others. Inhospitable weather still looms large for much of the nation. Getting where one wants to go may be easier than leaving. More than emotions may cause one to stay. Cheaters are not welcome, though there are always those who try. Travel makes us weary, uncooperative, and stubborn. Making sure one packs plenty of grace in their carry-on eases the pain.

While some plan for great revelry, there are many others who struggle with how to buy groceries for less than $100, and others who sit alone, unknown, thankful for a bowl of instant soup. Not everyone is welcome at the table. Not everyone who has a seat deserves it. Many seats are empty this year. Many chairs are filled with new faces. Food may not feel welcome for the one who has never seen such outlandish displays. Compassion is the appetizer to giving thanks.

Still, there are words that pursue us. We don’t need to hear the consonants to feel their sting. We know they exist on the lips of those who deny our humanity, who have labeled us ‘sinners,’ and dare to pray for our souls while selling their own. They hope that we’ll feel small, that we’ll hide away in some corner, or perhaps leave and pretend we are not all one people, one bond, one personhood.

“Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart,” is the response I choose to combat hatred this season. Words needn’t be combative. What comes out of your mouth is as important as what goes into your ears. We needn’t apologize for being, but neither should we be so quick to point out the inhumanity of others. Leave the faults of others to eat away at their own souls. Pass the rolls with fervor for bread does well at filling the mouths of those who should not speak. Justice is a desert that fills everyone’s plate equally.

Words dance merrily through my head wearing spiked high heels so that I feel every stomp of their jig. I fear the day that the words stop, that I no longer hear nor speak, that my eyes cease to see the pictures, for that is the day I can no longer tell you that I love you.

Or that I need more coffee.

This Sunday is Charles’ birthday. Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter CashApp: $ciletbetter

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Saturday Morning Update: 11/23/24

November 23, 2024

Where do we go from here? One of the struggles we all face is that we don’t always get to determine what happens next. We are more frequently pushed across thresholds than we are carried across joyfully. Even when an invitation seems like a good idea at the time, once we’re involved we discover that we’re trapped, unable to go back. Neither do we all share identical experiences through the same time portal. One shuts down an office while another prepares for new life. We may look through the same window yet see different pictures. Is what happens to us next a good thing or will another 350,831 of us die?

Who am I to judge the guilt or innocence of another? Someone must, for there can be no justice without judgment. Am I impartial enough to hold another’s fate in my hands? We may never know, for once again, my service has been declined. What I do know is that justice, no matter how measured, is a highly opinionated beast. Are courts best suited to determine when one begins thinking and acting like an adult? Are schools best suited for religious indoctrination? A country run by criminals has little care for justice.

I look across the bed at the dogs sprawled out, sleeping; they are warm and well-fed. They are not aware of changes until they happen. A differently flavored treat is still a treat. Water outside apparently tastes the same as water inside. They are not bothered by incongruities or worried by idle threats. They do not care what I might cook next week nor how many presents I give next month. Neither do they look at my dwindling account balance and worry whether they’ll be fed. Their food has already been purchased. The dogs sleep blissfully unaware of my angst.

We have transitioned into being a country that champions criminals more than heroes. Perhaps that explains the election outcome. Our desire to see an underdog win outstrips our need for justice. We care less for the number of bodies left in their wake when we have already convinced ourselves that, on one level or another, they deserved to die. Knowing that the wizard has no real power does not keep him from being revered in Oz.

Stubbornly, I dig in my heels. There are thresholds I do not want to cross. Yet, how can I hold your hand if we do not step together? I cannot help those in danger if I’m left standing behind a closed door. I walk into the future not because I care for my own but because I care for those around me. The adventures we face are different than those behind us, but together, we both survive.

I have met my minimum word count. There’s coffee on the other side of the door. This threshold I walk through without hesitation.

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Friday Morning Update: 11/22/24

November 22, 2024

Rain washes away the snow, leaving only a hint of the momentary wonderland that existed across the yard. An old song suggests, “Forget your troubles, come on, get happy; You better chase all your cares away.” But there is no rain that washes away the pain of cancer or removes the struggle to breathe. No river removes the stain of poor decisions. We struggle to find words, any words, that might communicate the density of the cloud over our mind. None of the pictures I’ve ever taken portray such chaos as that which consumes my being. Temptation urges me to give up, go to bed, and sleep until the world is better, but the world only declines the invitation to improve.

Drama capped Tipper’s trip to Purdue. The bus driver was ready to leave at one time, the guides were expecting to leave later, and their final departure was too late to return to school on time. Waiting parents were upset. Students were frustrated by the apparent incompetency of adults. Who will tell them that too many of the issues they face in high school continue to plague them into adulthood? Is this all they will remember of the trip? No one was left behind. No child was endangered. Everyone returned home. The lesson is to acknowledge the mistakes and move forward.

Trouble makes for an interesting conversation. Anger pushes passion into our speech. We use our words to make trivial issues matter. In the blizzard of emotion, we lose sight of reality. I am not dying today. Control over tomorrow is still mine. Whatever complicates my life is but a nuisance to my existence. Politicians make imaginary threats to pique my fears, but can I choose not to be afraid?

Words fall empty when there is no genuine power behind them. I fuel my own life, such as it may be. Attempts to diminish my existence are folly. The feet in my boots are still mine; I control my path and the steps I take. If I need assistance I request it, but the denial of that request does not keep me from moving forward. When I cannot walk, I will crawl. The day I can no longer crawl, I will employ a mobility device. Frequent naps do not hinder my progress. I choose to move forward, and the world will adjust accordingly.

Warrants may be issued. Threats can be made. Weapons might be aimed. Still, when darkness falls at the end of the day, do we not ask ourselves what has changed? I might question whether I could make a difference, but when I cannot, I accept no blame for the outcome. I am not required to follow a leader I did not choose and do not trust. My loyalty lies not with those who do not know my name, but with those I love, those whose care and existence matter to my sense of humanity. I can protect what matters without ceding an ounce of power to any despot.

Sixty-one years ago, a president was assassinated. Who shot who matters little. The consequences of those actions cannot be changed. Lives taken, no matter where, are not returned. We cannot change what someone else chooses to do after the act is done. A moment that has passed immediately becomes part of a history from which we are obligated to learn. We must answer the questions of how we might stop the bombs from falling and the bullets from being fired. Yet, we cannot change the conscience of those whose minds are committed to evil.

Our choice is to follow paths that magnify our own power. M.I.T. offers free tuition to help a new generation stand on their feet. In California, a 17-year-old woman became the youngest person to pass that state’s bar exam. US overdose deaths have dropped, even though no one is exactly sure why. Better paths exist, though perhaps not lit by neon signs. We choose to find those paths. We choose to make our world better.

The fogginess that clouds my mind and leaves me staring at this page does not prevent me from refilling my coffee cup, giving belly rubs to a dog, or cuddling a cat. My bank account may be empty, but there is enough food to feed the family. Each step may be taken with trepidation, yet do I not still walk? I will eat the food that I prepare. I will take the medicines and endure the poison. My day will continue. Naps shall be my fortress of solitude.

Forward is the path I choose.

Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter Cash App: $ciletbetter

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Social Commentary / Status

Thursday Morning Update: 11/21/24

November 21, 2024

A Hint of Reality [2006 colorized from black and white]

Watch the snowfall, the glimmer of tiny flakes reflected in the street lights and headlights of passing cars. Shiver as a northerly wind caresses the one tract of skin left bare while the rest of your body attempts to snuggle deeper inside a heavy coat. Even the dogs do not linger here. This first hint of the coming winter reveals how accustomed we’ve become to our planet’s warming temperatures. Like the proverbial frogs in slowly-heated water, we prefer that which leads to our demise. A snow shovel sits ready and waiting; it will see no action today, possibly not all season.

Tipper “borrowed” her mom’s heavy coat as she slipped out the back door. On a school excursion, she would visit Purdue University for her first glimpse of college life. Her mind goes back and forth in an argument with herself over whether she needs post-secondary education. Already tired of classrooms, she ponders a possible life as an artist. Surely, one doesn’t need a diploma to sell a banana for $6.2 million. But then, how long might the market for bananas taped to walls remain so bullish?

G does not harbor such fantasies. His mind struggles with the various choices that take advantage of his creativity and genius. Last night he bemoaned the imagined frustrations of a fashion designer interrupted. Today, he takes on the media world in a video interview. Perhaps tomorrow he’ll be nominated for a cabinet position. He is as well qualified as any of the others awaiting confirmation. Nothing is outside his grasp. Yet, so many choices create a different problem for his ADHD mind. He feels no rush in making a decision. There is still time to explore.

Kat struggles still with the limitations imposed by diminished breathing ability. She does not want the kids burdened with the knowledge of how close she came to no longer being present in this world. She powers on through the exhaustion. Her sleep does not last long. Both cold and hot, her body struggles to regulate temperature. Cats long to snuggle but their weight diminishes her breathing capability even more. G asked whether her lungs would ever recover their full capabilities. She had no certain answer to give him, only that time would move slowly as she inches back to her normal routine.

More poison arrives today. Only three more deliveries remain. Who knows my future after chemo? Will my energy return? Will my mind clear? Will I stand without falling? I sit here struggling to grasp at words that slip through my mind like water through a sieve. What were we discussing? Did I have anything important to say? Minutes pass into hours and I don’t recall my last thought. My coffee grows cold as it sits in the mug; I forget the most routine part of my day.

Kat asked last night if I am planning to visit the boys over the holidays. Her question caught me by surprise. No doubt, seeing the boys would be a wonderful treat. Two years have passed since I last saw Zach, Meg, and Ren. Three years without seeing Ben. Yet, I struggle to cover expenses until the end of every month. The lowest round-trip airfare is $542 plus taxes and fees. Lodging would be another $50 per night. Factor a reasonable amount for additional expenses and the total exceeds more than an entire month’s budget. My body cannot handle a long road trip; even from here to Chicago is too much. Train service to Chattanooga doesn’t exist. There is no choo-choo there. The idea has been planted, however, and a dream has begun to sprout. I fear that disappointment is the only yield.

I cannot tell if snow is still falling. With daylight, the delicate flakes become almost invisible. The thermometer warns of conditions below freezing. The dogs wait for me to return to bed.

Meanwhile, the universe asks, what is Google without Chrome? Does Jaguar still make cars? Does Campbell’s still make soup? What’s to become of MSNBC without NBC? What is rhetoric without meaning?

Solaris gently places his paws on my chest. He, too, wants me to return to bed. Still, there is food that must be eaten and meds that must be swallowed.

Will I remember to drink my coffee?

Health / Morning Update / Mythology / Original Style / Personal / Social Commentary

Wednesday Morning Update: 11/20/24

November 20, 2024

What, then, shall we make of today if it comes to us bearing nothing but trouble, sacks full of heartache, luggage with nothing but wrinkled misery? Do we confine ourselves to the pinhole vision of old men and bitter women teetering on the cusp of death, or do we dig for them their graves so that we might gleefully push them in and cover their decay with dirt? Is there any good found while cowering in fear? Rather, let us take to the feeble a battle they are unable to fight; for the noise they make is the sound of broken swords, clanging meaninglessly in scabbards fastened loosely around protruding waists.

I’m finding little use this morning in attempting to recount for yet another day the perils of my health conditions. Rain is in the offing for this morning and colder temperatures follow behind that. Even if I weren’t on chemo and my head wasn’t screaming this would still not be a day likely to etch itself into my memories for any good or pleasurable reason. Brief respite is given by those familiars who look on silently, rubbing a nuzzle against my hand, not conscious of the aid they provide. My shirt, pulled fresh from my closet this morning, is already covered with hair that is not mine, making me a walking allergen.

G came home from school excited about a D&D campaign he is planning for his friends to enjoy come January. His dreams are lofty and to achieve them I’ve recommended the works of Huxley and Asimov so that he needn’t reinvent what has already been so beautifully created. Alas, those volumes that were once on my shelves are no more. I am continually mystified at how pages filled with ink can disappear into some special ether that consumes nothing but that which I most urgently desire to read.

Tipper gleefully announced her intention to spend Black Friday in the company of her boyfriend. Their intent is to visit a Hot Topic at one of the remaining malls in the area. They are employing a strategy that assumes waiting until the afternoon when more eager shoppers have exhausted themselves, will provide them with greater access. He has promised to buy her whatever it is that she desires. I am hopeful that what she desires is on sale.

Familial lives change around me without my interference. I am of little use to any of them except as a source to share their syncopated excitements. As they grow into their own experiences I am freed to spend my time on other goals if only my body would consummate the intentions of my mind.

Perhaps the news of the day should worry me more. Does a television doctor threaten the health and wellness of my future? Will one steeped in the art of frivolous deception steer education into a mythological abyss? Can the assemblage of a privileged few threaten the humanity of those our ancestors embraced? Malfeasance has a short life and its demise is hastened with the raising of our voices. Are the streets not ours? The wind carries our objections and determination in gigabyte packages to audiences whose faces we never see. Political pyramids topple from the vibrations of marching feet today as surely as did the mythical walls of Jericho yield to the stomping and shouting of homeless nomads in antiquity. Even under perceived threat, our lives, your lives, are more powerful than the heated words of a company whose foundation is pretense.

All prayers are meaningless when there is no deity to hear them. No deity ever conceived gives an ear to the desires of hate. My love for you is infinitely stronger than imagined characters formed by willful ignorance. Your love for each other, open and unapologetic, demolishes the fear-fueled diatribes of those who clutch pearls in the shadow of a temple, a mosque, or a cross. Stand up. Clothe yourselves in flags of your own making. Set foot to the demolition of abhorrent attitudes and loathsome schemes.

Who can stop a nation whose will is to love as one loves without boundary or exclusion? One cannot make a mortar of hate. What is formed of execration crumbles like dust. Stand up. Blow your horns and stomp your feet with pride and defiance. The graves waiting to be filled will not hold you but the corpses of those whose faces turn orange as they scream into the winter wind.

Stand the fuck up. No one has put your feet in cement. The visions of threats are nothing more than a mirage. Your voice cannot be silenced. Your humanity cannot be defeated. If love does conquer all then all shall fall before you. Stand. Move. Yell. Scream. Defeat.

And do not bother to lay a wreath at the grave of hate.

Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter CashApp: $ciletbetter

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Tuesday Morning Update: 11/19/24

November 19, 2024

Funny how I can sit down at the desk first thing of the morning and think of all the things I’m going to get done, but by the time I’ve read through the news, my brain switches to, “We need to lie back down.” Anything that needs to be done outside needs to happen today, while the temperatures are near 70. Thursday’s high is 38, which will feel even colder if it snows. Seasonal temps are upon us for the rest of the week. It’s time to get ready.

Hopefully, today will be better than yesterday. I struggled to stay upright for as little as an hour and ended up spending most of the day in bed. At one point, I thought I was hearing voices again, but it turned out to just be the program that Kat was watching. I did finally get through to the neurologist’s office but the soonest they can get me in is January 29. I’m on a waiting list should a cancellation open a spot before then. The insurance company, however, still hasn’t called back. I’m not surprised.

The big news for this week, month, and year is that my oldest, Zach, finally got around to asking his girlfriend, Meg, to marry him! We knew this moment was coming, we just didn’t know when. Of course, she said yes! This brings about an exciting new season in all of our lives. No, they’ve not set a date yet, but I expect that to be coming soon. I stop now and remember that precious little tow-headed boy I once carried on my shoulders. I couldn’t be more excited!

By the way, I still have two more adult boys living with their mom. Please, feel free to take them off her hands. They’re nice guys, and perhaps that’s part of the problem. Nice guys still have a problem getting noticed because, as much as anything, they don’t want to bother anyone. Well, that and they spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games. Blame their grandparents for that. I never wanted them to get started.

Kat was finally able to see her PCP yesterday. The news is cautious. He told her that she would likely have difficulty breathing for months. That means everyone is going to have to be patient with her. Even with a schedule of only taking two clients a day, she comes home thoroughly exhausted and often falls asleep before she’s had time to eat dinner. Stress over the cumulative holidays and birthdays doesn’t help, either. She discovered yesterday that she and the kids will be doing two Thanksgivings. We’ll have ours early, probably Wednesday depending on how she and I feel next week. I think we have everything we need from a food perspective.

Paying the bills coming due is another matter. Everything hits all at once here at the end of the month and I don’t know when my check will arrive. Kat’s still waiting for a check she deposited last week to clear. I know I have nearly $200 in bills coming out before the first of the month. The way holidays hit the calendar this year, I may not get paid until December 2 or 3. We greatly appreciate the help we’ve had so far. If anyone else wants to contribute, my Venmo is @C_I_Letbetter and CashApp is $ciletbetter.

Today would have been my father’s 95th birthday. I’ve mentioned in previous years how disappointed he would be in world events. As I was combing through local news this morning, I saw this headline: ‘I have fallen short’ | Indiana Sen. Taylor addresses sexual harassment allegations. I was reminded of Poppa’s response to a tearful Jimmy Swaggart apologizing for a cheating scandal. “You can fool people all you want, but you can’t fool God.” I miss his balanced wisdom. In his honor, there will be ice cream today.

With winter rapidly approaching, it’s not surprising to see escalations rising in Russia and Ukraine. In the short time since I sat down here, Ukraine has apparently fired six US-made missiles into Russia. On Russia’s side, Putin has signed a new nuclear doctrine, lowering the bar for the conditions allowing the use of nuclear weapons. What might be more terrifying, though, is that Russia has increased production of radiation-resistant mobile bomb shelters. Why would they do that if they weren’t planning on needing them? Winters are notoriously difficult in both countries, so don’t be surprised to see them making aggressive maneuvers before the end of the year.

Lebanon and Hezbollah have approved the draft of a cease-fire agreement, but it’s unclear yet whether Israel will go along. So far, Netanyahu has been ferociously against such moves, firmly stating that there would be no rest until their goals are met. Knowing that he has staunch allies in the coming Republican administration is likely to bolster the Prime Minister’s defiance. Meanwhile, aid has been stripped from 100 trucks carrying food into Gaza. Looters are to blame. This is further proof that war brings out the worst of humanity. They are like cockroaches crawling out from under cracks in the molding.

There is so much more we could discuss, but I’m feeling the pressure from this damn headache closing in quickly. Among things worth noting, a Judge struck down Wyoming abortion laws, including an explicit ban on pills to end pregnancy while Orders for Morning-After Pills and Abortion Pills Rose After Trump’s Election. The NYC priest who allowed Sabrina Carpenter to shoot a music video in the church was further stripped of duties. Oh, and part of the roof at AT&T Stadium collapsed last night, foreshadowing another Cowboys loss.

I apologize for not having more stamina. The persistence of this headache has worn me down.

If only more coffee could be enough to solve all the problems.

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Monday Morning Update: 11/18/24

November 18, 2024

Another Blearing Day [2017 original with AI background]

We are running on fumes and coffee grounds this morning as I’m trying to keep my eyes open after what might have been two hours of sleep last night if it’s all stitched together. Kat didn’t fare much better. Making matters all the more frustrating were the animals that woke us 30 minutes earlier than normal. I took the dogs outside and even the neighbor’s rooster was being annoyingly loud. I might say that I’m looking forward to going back to sleep, but I can’t. I have to try to get an appointment with the neurologist and wait for the insurance company to call back. I’m relatively certain that neither of those things will happen on a schedule I find satisfactory.

Should I buy milk or pay the bills? I can do one or the other but not both. If you feel inclined to help, my Venmo is @C_I_Letbetter, and CashApp is $ciletbetter. No obligation. I know this is a tight time of the year for everyone’s budget.

Spirit Airlines filed for bankruptcy this morning. I know how they feel.

The Russia/Ukraine war is about to get nastier. After 1,000 days of this mess, people on both sides of the ever-moving lines are sick and tired of the whole thing.

45 pro-democracy activists face sentencing in Hong Kong. When having a different political opinion becomes a crime, is anyone safe?

Trump’s Pentagon pick paid woman after sex assault allegation but denies wrongdoing. No third-party vetting was done. Standard FBI background checks were skipped. Were you expecting anything different from a racist, rapist felon?

Air pollution in Delhi is fifty times the safe limit. Meanwhile, the US looks to gut clean air laws. Please, make it all make sense.

One cruise line is offering a four-year escape for those who want it. I suppose that’s fine for those who have the cash to pay for four years of living in advance. Most of us are just trying to pay for our next meal.

Today is the anniversary of the 1978 Jonestown Massacre, and now we can understand why. Remember, Jim Jones got his start right here in Indy.

Hurricane season isn’t over. Why would it be with such an abundance of hot air over Florida?

Black, Hispanic, and LGBTQIA+ people are getting threatening texts again. Don’t expect it to stop. This is a new reality and we’ve no choice but to stand up to this racism. Neo-Nazis marched on Columbus, OH over the weekend as well. Sure, “officials” condemned the action, but who the fuck approved that permit? When are we going to put these idiots in the ground? Are we going to wait and let them shoot first? Bad idea.

Tickets for European sex parties are on the rise by as much as 500 percent. Disclaimer, we’re members of one of the organizing entities mentioned in the article. Politics isn’t the only reason these events are popular.

The NY Times says social media is veering to the right. This is a fixable problem. Be loud. Be proud. Ban the trolls.

We’ve got rain moving in overnight and a decent chance of snow by Thursday. If you thought you were miserable this morning, just wait, it gets worse.

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / video

Friday Morning Update: 11/15/24

November 15, 2024

Video Edition

The page-shifting problem that drove me nuts yesterday has yet to be resolved, making typing out anything of length almost nauseating. I have no idea, nor do I know how to check, whether this is a WordPress issue or a theme issue. Depending on when you view this, you may see a different theme as I try to figure out the problem. Ugh.

Kat and I are both waiting to hear back from our doctors. The difference is that I’m already having a conversation with my PCP’s nurse as we try to figure out what’s going on with the hallucinations. Kat, on the other hand, has been trying for two weeks to get her PCP’s office to give her a follow-up appointment as required by the hospital. Yesterday, a receptionist at her PCP’s office told her she would, “Just have to wait until her December 18 telephone appointment.” Uhm, she needs blood tests to make sure the blood thinners are working correctly. HOW THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU DO BLOOD TESTS OVER THE FUCKING PHONE?

By the way, it’s probably worth mentioning that my PCP is with Community Health Network, while Kat’s is with Eskanazi Health Services. Make of that what you will.

The kids were doing okay. G was happily singing both in and out of the shower this morning. Tipper, however, burned her hand when the bowl of potato soup she was having for breakfast (don’t ask) spilled over. That’s a helluva way for anyone to start their morning.

Since this page-shifting thing won’t stop, I’m going to rely on videos to cover most of the news, starting with Stephen Colbert’s take on the dangerous and ridiculous cabinet appointments made yesterday.

Then, who saw this coming?

Post from Associated Press
The satirical news publication The Onion won the bidding for Alex Jones’ Infowars at a bankruptcy auction, backed by families of Sandy Hook Elementary School…

Too bad North American indigenous tribes don’t have better representation in Congress. Perhaps then we could pull off something like this:

What more do you need to know? Nothing immediately jumps to mind. Oh, but if you want to have that Fried Chicken Thanksgiving we mentioned yesterday, here’s the video for that.

Life is strange right now and I’m not going to pretend that I have any answers. I’m deeply concerned about everything at this point. Grocery prices are not going to go down. Gas prices are almost certainly going back up. Energy costs are going up.

I may start hoarding coffee, just to be safe.

Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics

Thursday Morning Update: 11/14/24

November 14, 2024

At 10:51 AM yesterday, I was awakened from my nap by the sound of the backdoor opening and shutting. I heard Tipper call me by name, “Charles!” three times. While the kids do get home early on Wednesdays, this was too early. So, I called back, “Tipp? Is that you?” There was no answer.

Concerned, I tossed Solaris from my shoulder (where he sleeps when I’m in bed), and headed for the kitchen, still calling, “Tipp? Is that you?” But there was no one there. There was no indication that anyone had ever been there. The door was shut (thank goodness). The gate between the kitchen and living room was shut. Fat Guy hopped onto the back of the couch and meowed for attention.

Worried that this might be one of those unexplained psychic connections, I sent Tipper a text. Sure, she was in school and she’s not supposed to have her phone in school, but her teachers allow it. I had to ask, “Are you okay?”

“Yes. Why?” she responded.

“I thought I heard you call my name,” I said.

“I’m at school LOL,” was her response.

Well, fuck. After 18 months without them, I’m back to having auditory hallucinations again. Only this time, the cause almost certainly is not the chemo meds. I messaged my oncologist’s nurse practitioner, who suggested contacting my neurologist. I called the neurology office and they said I need a new referral because of the change in insurance. By now, it was 5:15 and the doctor’s office was closed. Requesting the referral was number one on my list of things to do this morning.

I don’t need this added complication in my life right now. Yet, here it is, fucking things up, causing me to question reality. There haven’t been any visual hallucinations, but who the fuck knows what today will bring?

Rain fell throughout the night. More will fall this morning. Medication hasn’t been enough to touch the pain. The animals pushed in close, three cats, two dogs, to prevent me from rolling around all over the bed.

Making matters worse, my editing screen keeps shifting back and forth to the right two pixels as I type. WordPress had a major update yesterday, so I’m assuming that is to blame. The faster I type, the faster the shift, making it a visual frustration. Yes, I tried closing the browser and opening a new one. That didn’t help. So, this entry is going to be considerably shorter than normal.

The kids are fine. Kat’s resting.

Republicans now have control of both houses of Congress, but don’t think that it’s going to be the rubber stamp the Felon wanted. They chose a moderate as Senate leader, and at least one Senator has said that Matt Gaetz’s nomination as Attorney General is DOA. This could get interesting. One news story this morning claims that insiders are already creating a list of Pentagon officials they want fired, presumably to remove any obstacles to illegally using US troops against American citizens. There is a flurry underway to cement the Felon’s authority within the first 100 days of the administration. (Please forgive the lack of links to the stories, but with this infernal shifting it’s impossible to pull off.)

The NYTimes is suggesting friend chicken for Thanksgiving. Seriously. It’s a sizeable argument.

I’m sorry, I need WordPress to fix this shifting problem. My head is about to explode. Maybe we’ll have better luck tomorrow.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Wednesday Morning Update: 11/13/24

November 13, 2024

There is a lot to consider this morning. I chose Willie Nelson’s ‘Stardust’ album to serenade me this morning, and the words of “September Song” seem all too fitting, “Oh, it’s a long long while/From May to December/But the days grow short/When you reach September/When the autumn weather/Turns leaves to flame/One hasn’t got time/For the waiting game/Oh, the days dwindle down/To a precious few
September, November/And these few precious days/I’ll spend with you.”

I’m not sure where to start. Kat had yesterday off and spent it resting up at Brandon’s, away from the cats. I miss having her here, but again, she’s doing what’s best for her. We don’t talk about how close we came to losing her. She has to put herself first. That’s not going to change in the foreseeable future. Her clients have been understanding and supportive. She’s off again today, the only “appointment” being taking G to violin lessons this afternoon. I’ll make potato soup for dinner, which I hope at least feels good going down. The time with her is precious.

G came home from school yesterday determined to be impressive, and he was. Without a pattern, he made an absolutely lovely scarf for a friend, using a soft fabric with a Southwestern design. He measured carefully, sewed magnificently, and finished it off beautifully. I never thought of G as a fashion designer until recently, but if he wants I’m sure he could pull it off with fantastic results.

On the other hand, Tipper came in from school, ate a bowl of cereal, and then retreated to her room, leaving only to use the bathroom. Something is going wrong, but she’s not talking. That is, she’s not talking to me. I have a feeling she’s talking to someone, I’m just not sure that person is giving her the best advice. I have no idea what the appropriate response should be. Each morning, as she leaves early for the bus stop, I tell her that we love her. I wonder on mornings like this if those words fall on deaf ears.

The tightness in my chest won’t go away. Don’t worry, it’s just anxiety. There’s no immediate danger. The pill I take for anxiety is huge, so I doubt that I should ask for anything stronger; it might leave me comatose. There’s little comfort, though. My bones ache terribly. The chemo and changes in the weather work together to make sure the pain never goes away. The fog in my head seems particularly strong this morning.

I have to contact the insurance company today. When I sent them a message last Wednesday, I was told that a case manager would call me within 48 hours. That call never came. I gave them some grace since it was a “holiday” weekend for some. Still, no call. I need to be in an Assisted Living facility so that Kat can address structural issues in the house. I also think that having a nurse handy 24/7 isn’t a bad thing. I’m afraid to take a shower because there’s no one here to even call for help if I fall. I find it interesting that United Healthcare, which is the insurance to which I’m assigned, is trying to buy Amedisys, a large home health company. The Justice Department and four states’ Attorneys General filed an antitrust lawsuit against the insurance giant yesterday in an attempt to stop the deal. How the fuck am I supposed to trust a company knowing full well that they’re far more interested in controlling healthcare and taking the profit than they are concerned over my or anyone else’s legitimate health needs?

I just went to the kitchen to refill my coffee mug, and friends, I don’t feel well. Sitting back down helps, but I’m struggling to stay conscious. Alerts from the bank are constantly reminding me how broke I am. I look at G’s birthday on the 26th and Thanksgiving the day after and wonder how in the world I’m supposed to pull off a major birthday celebration one day and the whole turkey, dressing, and pie thing the next. I’m not asking Kat for help. All we need from her is for her to stay alive. That’s it. I have to do everything else myself. I don’t mind doing it, either, I just don’t know at this juncture how I’m going to do it. I don’t know how I’m going to fix lunch, either. I’m trying to get it together, but my body is fighting back pretty damn hard.

Looking at the news this morning is not helping. A fucking Faux News anchor is the felon’s choice for Defense Secretary. That’s right, let’s put a complete novice in charge of the world’s most powerful military. Please, someone fucking explain to me how that makes a lick of sense. The Pentagon’s most senior officials are right to be concerned. For that matter, every country in the world should be concerned.

Then, the felon went and nominated South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem as Secretary of Homeland Security. This is the same bitch that put down her dog for no good reason. South Dakota’s indigenous tribes won’t let her even set foot on any of their lands. Noem’s daughter got preferential treatment while applying for her Real Estate license, an application that was initially turned down. There is so much corruption following this bitch that it’s going to take an extra moving van just to transport all her conspiracies to D.C.

The nomination that simultaneously scares me and makes my blood boil is Mike Huckabee as Ambassador to Isreal. Why? The former Arkansas governor has long called himself a Zionist, but he’s really a pre-millennialist Southern Baptist convinced that a war with Isreal at the forefront will bring about Armageddon and the mythical Rapture of believers. Ambassadors normally don’t have all that much influence. In fact, it’s generally considered a cushy do-nothing job. Huckabee won’t be content to just sit in some office, though. He’ll be in Netanyahu’s ear, putting money in Israel’s pocket, and pushing for greater war. This idiot cannot be trusted.

Finally, there’s the appointment of fucking Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to head a new “advisory” Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). While this new agency is not an actual government agency with any authority, their whole purpose is to dismantle everything these two idiots consider “Bureaucracy.” Say goodbye to safety regulations, environmental controls, OSHA, and all the things that the government does to protect us from the ruthless and careless greed of corporations. How will this work? Easy. DOGE advises Congress to make changes. The felon’s stooges, Mike Johnson as speaker, and Rick Scott as the Senate’s GOP leader, then turn that advice into legislation that the Republican-controlled Congress passes without question, and the felon then signs it into law. Just that quickly, all our protections are gone.

What can be done to stop this madness? On one hand, Democratic Governors are banding together to stop the felon’s changes from taking effect. Don’t dismiss this effort. Since most of the changes the felon wants to make are implemented at the state level, Governors have the power to “just say no.” The ACLU and other organizations are gearing up to file lawsuits against offending laws as well.

However, Trans people are experiencing a mental health crisis, overwhelming call centers, as they fear that the felon will make good on his threat to roll back protections for the Trans community. We don’t know the extent to which this unhinged administration might attack the broader LGBTQIA+ community as well. No one feels safe.

Justice will take a hit as Jack Smith plans to step down from the Special Counsel’s office before the inauguration. The felon complained all through the second half of his first administration that he didn’t think the Special Counsel’s office was legitimate. Don’t be surprised when he attempts to completely eliminate the office, making it damn near impossible to investigate any government official over any wrongdoing.

To everyone who has said that our fears about the felon’s second administration were premature and unfounded, fuck you. The felon isn’t even trying to hide what he’s planning. He’s proud of his efforts to destroy the country. This is pure Fascism 2025. 52% of you have learned absolutely nothing over the past 90 years. Don’t expect me to cry for you when you are affected by this nonsense just as much as the rest of us.

Meanwhile, John Krasinski was named People magazine’s 2024 Sexiest Man Alive, Thailand’s baby pygmy hippo Moo Deng has an official song released in 4 languages, and the escaped monkeys apparently like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Oh, don’t forget that Robotaxis are now open to anyone who wants a driverless ride in Los Angeles. I can’t think of a more terrifying city to have cars zipping around without a driver. Also, you’re spending too much time on the toilet.

I’ve listened to both sides of four albums while typing this update. Okay, I did stop a few times to sing along. The dogs don’t seem to mind. Barry Manilow is pushing us toward the end. I feel worse now than I did when I started. I need to force some food down my throat and take my meds.

If my coffee cup is empty, you’ll know I died.

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Tuesday Morning Update: 11/12/24

November 12, 2024

This Tuesday morning starts with a pretty decent frost outside. When I took the dogs out at 5:45, the air temperature was 36 degrees (Fahrenheit), cold enough to don gloves and remind myself that a hat is never a bad idea. Some of the neighbors’ trees are completely bare while ours still stubbornly holds on, waiting for a sub-freezing frost. This is the type of November I remember, the kind that makes me comfortable as the heater kicks on, reminding me of how privileged I am to not be out chopping wood. I’m not good at chopping wood. We would surely freeze to death if we relied on such.

Neither child said anything about school yesterday beyond, “It was okay.” We all remember those days when it seemed as though we weren’t learning anything, don’t we? Yet, at least for some of us, more information leaked into our brains than we realized. I’m assuming the same still happens on even the most boring of days.

Being a Girl Dad is still baffling me, though. Tipper came in, barely spoke, and then disappeared for the rest of the day. I didn’t see her again until this morning. She was dressed and on her way out the door, fifteen minutes earlier than necessary, when I stopped her and reminded her that we love her. The result was an eye roll and a half-hearted, “Love you, too,” as she headed for the door. I worry that there’s an eating disorder at play, but I have no way yet of proving it. The fridge is full of leftovers so the kids were free to choose whatever they wanted for dinner. I’m not sure Tipper ever came out of her room. Everything I read tells me this is a difficult and tumultuous time for teenage girls, but I’m not getting any usable advice. I love this child more than she can imagine. And I worry.

Kat did go to the salon for a little while. She took clients that weren’t especially difficult, and even that proved taxing. By the time she got back home, everything about her demeanor showed complete exhaustion. She’ll take today off, thankfully. I worry about Kat more than I do Tipper. She pushes herself too hard. She’s done that since she was 16. I don’t think she knows how to exist without pushing herself hard. I’m trusting that she’s listening more carefully to her body right now,

Fuck. An alert from my bank just informed me that an annual renewal I’d forgotten just came out. $104, gone, just like that, leaving a deficit of -$28. I can probably move things around and cover this one, but there are still $96 and $45 bills that can’t be avoided coming up before my check hits. Fortunately, the fridge and freezer are full of food. We’re doing okay there. The utilities are caught up. G’s birthday is this month, though, and the holidays are looking quite lean. Something else to worry about.

There’s a guest opinion piece in this morning’s New York Times with the title, “If You’re Sure How the Next Four Years Will Play Out, I Promise: You’re Wrong.” The author’s primary thesis is that we cannot predict the future with all its twists and turns. We all have to admit that he’s correct in such a statement. However, the issue I would take is that there are markers that indicate what is most likely to happen next. Those markers are what fuel our worries about the future. We’re not just guessing in the dark.

What are some of those markers? Let’s start with California Gov. Gavin Newsom will spend part of the week in DC as he tries to Trump-proof state policies. Gov. Newsom remembers the issues California faced the last time this felon was president. He’s rushing to see if there is any protection to be found in federal law. The problem is that any “help” the state receives now is most likely to be rolled back quickly by the new administration. They did this last time and there’s no reason to believe that it won’t happen again.

Round 2 in the Trump-vs-Mexico matchup looks ominous for Mexico. Relationships with our Southern neighbor didn’t go well under the first administration. This time around, however, Mexico has a new leftist president, The felon doesn’t have a good record when it comes to dealing with people who are too progressive for his taste. Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum has proven to be a tough, stand-your-ground stalwart, especially as she moved to completely upset that country’s court system. With the felon’s promise of mass deportations, the two leaders are likely to bump heads early and the outcome is not likely to be pretty.

Next up: Economics. A headline in this morning’s Times reads Europe Braces for Trump: ‘Worst Economic Nightmare Has Come True’. Think this is just fear-mongering? Already this morning, Global shares mostly declined, shrugging off Wall Street’s rally. Don’t trust what you see happening on Wall Street at the moment. The increases there are fueled by promises of tax breaks for the rich. The rest of the world, however, is not so enthused. The felon’s promises of severe tariffs, for which US citizens ultimately pay, thus setting off another round of inflation, have the rest of the world concerned about a global financial meltdown, similar to what we saw in 2008, thanks to Bush’s failed economic policies. Again, this could happen quite quickly once numbnuts is in office. Economies are global.

Then, there’s the immigration issue. Again, referencing this morning’s Times, which seems to have a better handle on domestic issues than other sources at the moment, Michelle Goldberg warns “If You Thought Trump Wasn’t Serious, Look at His First Appointments.” She points toward the same issues brought up in another article, “Trump Hires Show His Intent To Carry Out Immigration Crackdown.” What it all comes down to is Tom Holman and Stephen Miller, both of whom have a deep-seated hatred for immigrants. Holman has already said that “No one’s off the table in the next administration,” and yesterday confirmed that workplace raids would resume. Miller has said that Trump would cancel the temporary protected status of thousands of Afghans who fled here after the Taliban’s takeover. This is also the jackass who is in favor of using the National Guard to arrest migrants en masse. Want to see our national economy crumble? Take away all immigrants. The effect will be immediate.

With markers like that, how can we not worry? And to make matters worse, Sen. Elizabeth Warren is warning that the presidential transition team “is already breaking the law.” Sen. Warren would know because she wrote the applicable law! If there were any sign of the incoming corruption, this is it, written in neon and flashing brightly against a dark sky.

So, while we may not be able to accurately predict the exact events of the coming administration, we can predict the effects of those events and it is not going to be good. Even the people who voted for him, many thinking that his campaign rhetoric was hyperbole, are going to suffer. There’s no escaping the negative results of his plans. Our only hope is that the idiot suffers a heart attack or stroke that renders him ‘unable to fulfill the duties of his office.’ Perhaps a President Vance would gut current appointments and replace them with a more moderate selection. Or not. Again, we can’t see the future.

Not everything in the world is negative. I’m thrilled to report that 13 monkeys are still on the loose in South Carolina. Researchers have only been able to capture the majority because they were still in groups. The remaining escapees are more likely to be venturing out on their own. I wish them (the monkeys) the best.

Beyoncé and her legacy will be the subject of a new course at Yale. Of course, to take the class you have to actually be admitted as a student to Yale. Good luck with that. Still, the fact that the class exists is enough to rile right-wing nut jobs and that makes me happy.

Oh, this is fun: The UK has a deer problem. The current estimated deer population now tops two million. That’s a problem for a relatively small island nation. Complicating matters is that gun ownership in the country is extremely rare and difficult to obtain. While the government’s “solution” is to try and convince the people who eat the most bland food in the world that venison is good, no one has said who’s going to actually hunt down all those deer. Trust me, once a few are killed, the rest will go into hiding.

Oh, the big news locally is the conviction of Richard Allen on all counts related to the murders of two teenage girls. This conviction has taken forever as both the prosecution and defense have fucked around with evidence and judges for too many years before ever going to trial. Will there be an appeal? Oh yeah. Allen’s wife was heard saying on her way out of the courthouse, “This is far from over.” With all the pre-trial stupidity that went on, there’s plenty of likely ground for it to be overturned, and if that happens the prosecution is almost certain to appeal the appeal. I’ll probably be dead before a final verdict is ever reached.

Saks Fifth Avenue’s holiday light display in Manhattan is changing up this season. One of the seasonal thrills of living in New York this time of year, besides the big tree at Rockefeller Center, is “window shopping” the holidays at Manhattan’s biggest stores. Saks is celebrating its 100th anniversary by lighting the whole building, not just the windows. Unfortunately, my broke ass can’t be there to take pictures. Perhaps someone (looking at you, Joe Lombardo), can slip over and take some photos for us. I’m sure it is a marvelous sight to behold.

Is that enough to distract us from the horrors that are about to unfold? Momentarily, perhaps, but reality still lingers in the back of our minds no matter how much colorful joy we try to put upfront. For now, I’ll eat breakfast and take my meds like a good boy, then probably take a nap because that’s what I do best now. I slept from 10:00 AM until 4:00 PM yesterday. I even missed my 2:00 alarm. I don’t enjoy this cancerous existence at all.

But hey, the coffee’s hot.

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Monday Morning Update: 11/11/24

November 11, 2024

Sunday wasn’t a bad day, as things go. I felt decent enough to finally finish Tony’s pictures. It only took me three weeks, which isn’t a record but is still embarrassing. I’d say I can relax now, but there are still pictures from my last trip with Jen that I’ve not yet touched. This puts me in the position of having to ask myself if I’m as ready for a comeback as I thought I was. The answer, most likely, is no. I may never be ready for a complete comeback, which makes me incredibly sad.

Fortunately, G was here to keep my spirits up. He was in a fantastic mood yesterday, joking around, actually being nice to his sister, and talking up a storm. His frequent visits to my room kept me on my toes as his conversations always require me to completely stop what I’m doing and listen carefully to what he is saying. If he can get a zinger in about how old I am, he doesn’t miss it. At the same time, he’ll swing on a tree branch and laugh just like he did when he was six. It’s impossible to be down when you’ve got someone who can consistently make you laugh.

Kat came home and spent the night. As far as I can tell, she seems to have slept well. Her difficulty breathing is still obvious, though. I don’t know what her plans are for today, but I hope they include plenty of time for her to sit or lie down and recover. Kat tends to push herself; something she’s always had to do. Breaking that habit, and giving herself the space and time to fully recover is not easy for her. She wants to be up, taking care of things, moving around, and working. Right now, though, she needs to not do any of those things.

I tried watching the Colts game but turned it off and took a nap after Flacco threw two interceptions in the first quarter. That was enough to tell me that they were going to lose. I have a difficult time believing that there’s not a better QB sitting around somewhere in the NFL universe. And while Coach Stenchen is apologetic, I think Kenny Moore II, who caught an interception in the second half, is more in touch with what’s actually happening with the team. This is what he said in the locker room after the game:

“I don’t think everybody is working as hard as possible, and obviously it’s showing. I’m not the type to sugarcoat it, honestly. I don’t think the urgency is there. I don’t think the details are there. I don’t think the effort is there, and I don’t see everything correlating from meetings to practice to the games, and it shows. We have to look ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves how bad we want it.”

“The thing that’s frustrating is we’re letting things leak into another week. To go out and make the same mistakes over and over—that’s what drives me insane as a player and individually. We are in November and I don’t see us making that jump from September to November. I’m seeing the same things. We just have to start addressing it and not sugarcoat or beat around the bush. I think that’s what we are lacking and year-to-year it’s the same thing.”

Holy shit. I hope Stenchen ponders on Moore’s words a bit this morning. I understand that there was some booing going on during yesterday’s game. We can’t let that get started here. Chicago fans are booing the Bears. Jets fans are being merciless when the team plays at home. We don’t need to be like them, but the Colts need to step the fuck up and show us they’re worth those million-dollar salaries.

There were some other really tight games yesterday. The Chiefs, in all honesty, should have lost yesterday’s game against the Broncos. Blocking that last-minute field goal saved their ass, but the fact remains that Kansas City played a lousy game. The same applies to the Lions as kicker Jake Bates made a 52-yard field goal at the last second to win the game against the Texans. Again, they should have lost. QB Jared Goff threw five interceptions! You don’t deserve to win when you’re playing that sloppily. Russell Wilson’s TD pass to Mike Williams lifted the Steelers over the Commanders 28-27, but the young Commanders were arguably the better team. This time next year, I expect it to be Washington who’s running roughshod over the division.

I’m not seeing a lot of news this morning that’s worth talking about. 25 of the Escaped Monkeys of 43 were Captured in South Carolina. And, somewhat hilariously, Mattel Mistakenly Listed A Porn Site on the Packaging for ‘Wicked’ Dolls. Oops!

What’s important is that today is Armistice/Veterans Day, one of the most increasingly forgotten holidays on the calendar. I came across an opinion piece by Vietnam vet Frank Lennon in the Providence Journal. The article is behind a paywall that’s difficult for anyone outside of Rhode Island to justify. So, let me quote a significant portion of that article for you here.

While looking up the 1924 Armistice Day information, I came across another event from that year that was pivotal in the history of how we treated our veterans. It was the passage of legislation providing Bonuses to WWI veterans.

After the euphoria of our victory in World War I died down, many veterans went through hard times. Most were disillusioned, because our government, and society at large, left them to fend for themselves. Adequate health care was beyond the reach of many, especially for “shell shock” – what we call PTSD today. Others found it difficult to find a job.

These problems were exacerbated by the Great Depression at the end of the 1920s. The already high unemployment rates among veterans increased. Vets competed for the few available jobs with civilian workers – many of whom had done very well during the way – while “our boys” got by on the pittance that Uncle Same paid them.

In 1924, Congress tried to redress some of this disparity through the World War Adjusted Compensation Act. It gave bonuses to all enlisted personnel who had served during wartime, with the amount based on each individual’s service time. There was an additional payment for overseas service.

The catch was that these bonuses were paid in the form of certificates, not cash. They functioned like insurance policies, and although they did accrue interest, veterans could not redeem them until 1945.

Rendered desperate by the Depression, veterans asked Congress to modify the law to allow the certificates to be cashed out immediately, when the need was most dire.

In May 1932, WWI veterans organized a march on Washington. At least 20,000 (and perhaps as many as 40,000) veterans, their families and supporters set up camps and occupied buildings in various locations in Washington. The largest camp was a shantytown on the Anacostia Flats across from the Navy Yard. They called themselves the BEF – “Bonus Expeditionary Forces,” a play on AEF, the banner under which most of them had fought during the war.

On July 28, 1932, the attorney general ordered their eviction. Washington police fired at the protesters, killing two veterans. President Herbert Hoover then ordered the Army to clear the campsites and move the protesters across the Anacostia River.

The troops advanced with Tanks, fixed bayonets and tear gas.

You might be surprised to know that Gen. Douglas MacArthur led the troops in this confrontation, along with his aide, Maj. Dwight D. Eisenhower. The commander of the tank contingent was Maj. George S. Patton.

Despite specific orders from Hoover not to cross the bridge, MacArthur pressed on to the camp on the far side. (Perhaps a harbinger of things to come?)

The camp still held about 10,000 people. Tanks and tear gas drove out the Bonus Amer marchers, their wives and their children. Their shelters and belongings were burned. Injured civilians overwhelmed D.C.’s hospitals.

Chillingly, the Army deemed the exercise to be a success. The Bonus Army was gone.

The press saw it differently. The Washington Daily News called it “a pitiful spectacle” to see “the mightiest government in the world chasing unarmed men, women, and children with Army tanks. If the Army must be called out to make war on unarmed citizens, this is no longer America.”

And we thought being spit upon was as bad as it could get?

Throughout the 1930s, the strength of our military reached frighteningly low levels, and little if any emphasis was placed on veterans issues.

Then Pearl Harbor happened, and all of a sudden the military became important again. After the war ended, we could not do enough for our veterans. The GI Bill ensured that post-WWI problems would not be repeated. In the late 1940s and early 1950s, respect for veterans reached an all-time high.

Unfortunately, it took another all-in world war to make that happen.

…

About 25 years ago, Ge. Bernard Rogers, former Army chief of staff, made a very interesting point about the unique nature of military service in our society.

“A doctor contributes to his patients; a priest to the members of his parish; a lawyer contributes to his clients; a politician to his constituents. But those privileged to wear our nation’s uniforms belong to a profession in which every member, every day, makes a contribution – no matter how small – to every citizen of this great land.”

Those are words we should take to heart on this Veterans Day.

I concur. And as I consider how the president-elect is setting up his administration, with emphasis on “rounding up” immigrants and “making the country great,” I fear we will see repeats of Hoover’s disastrous orders. If MacArthur, Eisenhower, and Patton weren’t strong enough to stand up to illegal presidential orders, do we dare think that anyone in today’s Pentagon would respond any differently?

This is why I worry. This is why I am committed to being a safe person, a reliable resource, for anyone being assaulted by any portion of our government or the ridiculous laws it may pass.

Pass me that coffee pot. I need a refill.

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Sunday Morning Update: 11/10/24

November 10, 2024

Sunday Morning Chill. [2012 original with AI background]

Please read quietly this morning. The kids are still asleep, and after all the activity they had yesterday, I’m sure they need it. I enjoyed listening to them interact with each other without fighting. Their conversations with friends were frequently hilarious. Neither teen has any filter when talking to their friends. Try cheating in a game? You’re gonna get called out. Heaven forbid you do something wrong while playing on their team! Curses are going to fly, especially if you’re playing with Tipper. There were times when it was difficult to pay attention to the football games because the kids were being too entertaining.

G has taken on the heavy task of helping me get my heavy leather duster back in shape for this winter. I’ve not worn it in several years. There are tears in the lining, one on the left shoulder, and all the buttons are missing. The shell was also pretty dirty. I took care of removing all the cat vomit from the shell and he went to work. I gave him a specific set of leather tools and thread to work with. His hand-stitching is absolutely remarkable! The replacement buttons came early this morning. There is still one place that needs a full leather patch, but I don’t have the funds for that at the moment. Fortunately, we still have a while before the snow starts to fly. But seriously, what G is doing with his sewing is seriously impressive!

Kat spent the day chilling and I’m sure she’ll do the same today. Don’t expect that to change too much. She hasn’t said yet whether she will try taking a couple of clients tomorrow. Please, don’t push. We all would much rather she take her time and come back healthy. Pulmonary embolism isn’t something from which one just bounces back. Please, give her space to heal.

You already know what I was doing yesterday. I’m going to miss college football when the season’s over. Yeah, the playoff games sort of extend the season, and then, there are all the bowl games that don’t mean a helluva lot anymore. I don’t have much faith in the playoff committee, though, in selecting the best teams, and there are so many bowl games scattered from mid-December to mid-January that one has to ask the question: why?

IU faced its biggest test yet, defeating Michigan 20-15. Everything the team does from this point forward sets a new record for the program. They still have a couple of rough games to go, and that final game against Purdue is always unpredictable, despite how much Purdue has been disappointing this season. By the way, Purdue embarrassed themselves again, losing at Ohio State, 0-45.

The Florida Gators should have just stayed home. They’re down to starting their third-string QB and it seems that much of the rest of their starters are out with injuries. As a result, Texas ran all over them, 49-17. That score fails to tell just how dominant Texas was. The score was 35-0 at halftime. The entire second-string squad played the second half. Arch Manning was able to run up the score easily, getting in some good play time that will help next year. This Texas program will be one to fear for several seasons.

There were a couple of significant upsets this week. Georgia got caught with their eyes shut and lost to Ole Miss, 28-17. Will that be enough to pull Georgia from playoff contention? Possibly, but there’s another opening on the playoff sheet as Miami lost to Georgia Tech, 28-23. That almost certainly pulls Miami from the playoff brackets. With three weeks left in the season, everything comes down to who makes the fewest mistakes and keeps their starters healthy.

You know that myth about deaths happening in threes? It’s not true, but deaths do often happen in multiples. This morning’s list includes:

I suppose one could make the argument that there are two sets of three, but c’mon, anyone who’s been around the industry will tell you that myth is false.

There are a few other tidbits of news. The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived in New York City, pushing the holiday season on everyone whether they want it or not. If you’re even slightly at risk of stroke, you’ll want to know that there are new guidelines for preventing them. Be sure I’m paying extra close attention to that one. There’s also 8 Factors That Can Raise Your Heart Disease Risk. Don’t let these stories slide. Your life could depend on them.

The kids are both awake now, but still being quiet. The dogs have been out, all the animals are fed, and most everyone has settled back down for a morning nap. The rain that moved in overnight is supposed to continue through mid-afternoon. I’ll eat breakfast, take meds, and then probably pass out.

As Sundays go, this one almost feels normal. We know it isn’t, though. Behind the scenes, there are people planning mass immigrant deportations and the elimination of funding for offshore wind energy, among other things. The threats that we’ve talked about all week are still there. We just never know when they might be put into action. My level of trust in anyone is extremely low at this point.

As long as there’s coffee, we’ll survive. If that ever runs out, just go ahead and shoot me.

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Saturday Morning Update: 11/09/2024

November 9, 2024

20241109_07012010922814495025489 — Here. You Are Always Safe [2024]

Look at this morning’s picture. Normally, they don’t have much, if anything, to do with whatever I’m talking about. This morning is different. I’ve decided to do something controversial and wear a safety pin. Not a small one, mind you. I ordered the largest one I could find. I’m not hiding it under a collar, either. It’s right there on the front of my shirt where everyone can see it. Yeah, I’m aware of all the backlash. If you doubt my solidarity with women, immigrants, and the entire LGBBTQIA+ community, try me. I may be small and weak, but goddammit, the head of my cane alone is enough of a weapon to render someone senseless and I’m not the least bit afraid to use it. You won’t be the first time I’ve had to stand up for someone. I have five of these huge pins because I have a bad habit of losing things. I’ll wear them until I know that everyone is safe.

There may be further additions and changes to my attire and attitude as well. I am beyond disturbed that at least four of the people closest to me are now at high risk, not only from the coming policies of a deranged and horrible president but more likely from those who put him there. Policies don’t hurt nearly as many people as do actions and we’ve already seen those actions in place. The Orange Felon isn’t going to show up at my daughter’s school and directly threaten her safety. Students indoctrinated by his rhetoric may, though. We’re fortunate that our kids go to schools that protect them against aggressive behavior. There’s still the bus ride there and back, though. No one’s protecting them there. If I have to start riding the damn bus to keep them safe, I will.

Of course, there’s also the danger that I’m apparently losing my fucking mind. My dreams have been unusually lucid of late, but they went over the top this morning around 2:30 when a dream was interrupted by what I thought was a young woman standing at the side of my bed. She had shoulder-length brown hair, was wearing a simple dark blue dress, and smiled as she said, “Hello.” That’s what caused me to sit straight up in bed. I heard her. I rubbed my eyes and she was gone. I looked around the room, Both dogs were still sound asleep. Cats had draped themselves here and there, none of them appearing to be disturbed. But, I heard her! Her voice was pleasantly sweet, just loud enough to wake me from my dream. Since when does a dream wake one from another dream? Am I hallucinating again? I thought we had cured that problem by changing chemo meds two years ago. I really don’t want to return to a state where I can’t trust what I think I’m seeing. I closed my eyes and immediately went back to sleep. Who does that?

Then, because once a day is tainted it stays that way, as I was sitting down to read this morning’s news, I heard a horrifying crash coming from the kitchen. I knew before I left my chair that the cats had knocked something off the counter. What I didn’t expect was the complete explosion of porcelain across the entire kitchen floor and even into the living room. Fortunately, I was still wearing boots from having taken the dogs out earlier. I grabbed the broom and dustpan and started sweeping. I’ve warned the kids that I’m still not sure I got all the little pieces of porcelain.

As I sat back down in my chair, Hamilton, who is the closest thing I have to an emotional support animal, started pawing at my arm. I assumed he wanted some attention and pets. Typically, I can pet him for a couple of minutes and he’s cool. Not this morning. I started petting him and he put his paws on my shoulder and pulled. Not expecting this behavior, I was rather slow in getting the message. He wanted me to lie down and he didn’t stop pestering me until I gave in. I lay next to him on the bed and checked the health monitors on my watch. My oxygen was below 90 and my heart rate was 137. I stayed put and cuddled with Ham until the numbers were better. This is why we’re running late this morning.

Kat didn’t have a good day yesterday, either. Her original plan had been to take G to his shadow day, then he would join her at the salon. They never made it to the salon. After dropping off G, Kat went to her mom’s and slept on her couch until it was time to pick him up. Then, they came home, and she chilled in her big chair until Tipper got home. I don’t know if she’s going to even try going to the salon today. I’m hoping she just goes on up to Fishers and stays there for the weekend. Her recovery is going to go slowly and I don’t want anyone rushing her.

Amidst all this, I must say that the kids are doing well. They were both up before I was this morning. They’re each busy doing their own thing. I have projects for both of them later in the day, but they can have the morning to themselves. They’ve definitely earned it.

Saturday morning is normally my science catch-up time and there’s a lot to read this morning, most of it concerned about continued funding. One of the top stories this morning is How much power do Trump and Kennedy have to reshape health agencies? Throughout the campaign, scientists have sounded the alarm that science funding and agencies are at risk. Of course, no one listened. Why would the people who deny climate change and question the validity of vaccines suddenly start paying attention to what the scientists are saying? [sarcasm]. Supposedly, Kennedy is vetting the resumes of those who might head various health and science concerns. That could definitely shape the future of those agencies. However, there’s no shortage of concern that the National Institute of Health is in for a major shakeup.

However, the new Republican administration isn’t the only threat to the science world. Russia has postponed three major science projects. In Greece, warming water temperatures completely wiped out this year’s mussel harvest. In fact, over the course of the week, I’ve seen reports of cutbacks of various kinds on every continent except Antarctica. As nationalism and right-wing fanaticism grow across the world, so does distrust and dismissal of established science.

This is concerning for any number of reasons. For example, there’s considerable concern that infections of H5N1, or “cow flu,” are going undetected. What are the odds of the world having another pandemic during the next four years? Much tighter than anyone cares to admit on the record. Best advice: wash your hands frequently and keep those masks close.

Health isn’t the only concern, though. In Botswana, there’s research actively taking place that may show that the whole fucking continent of Africa is about to split. The repercussions of such an event would change everything from tidal flows to the movement of the jet stream around the world. Entire weather patterns would be affected. And there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop it from happening.

Look, I can’t predict the future any more than anyone else. We’ve all seen the plan this administration has for us, though. The number of people it puts at risk is horrifying. These aren’t just abstract numbers on a page. These policies affect real people, you and your neighbors, and millions of lives are going to be destroyed if we don’t act. This isn’t the time to be a pacifist. Loving your neighbor doesn’t stop them from being an asshole. From where I sit, we have no choice but to be unusually aggressive in our response to everything this new administration does.

As I’ve been typing, I’ve been listening to an old Deutsche Grammophon recording of Vladimir Horowitz at the piano. His complete mastery and domination over even the most tender and careful of pieces is precisely the kind of mood we need to foster right now. No note gets away, nothing skipped.

Hamilton is pawing at me again. I need to eat breakfast and take my meds. I’m not well. I’m not strong. But you are always safe here.

Health / Morning Update / Mythology / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Friday Morning Update: 11/08/24

November 8, 2024

A Morning Call to Mourning [2011 original with AI modifications]

A solid night’s sleep hasn’t been possible since Tuesday and I’m sure I’m not alone. Regardless of what time I go to bed, or what tools I use to help me sleep, I wake up from dystopian dreams somewhere between 12 and 12:30. I’m usually able to go back to sleep after getting my bearings and realizing where I am. But then, I wake up somewhere around 3:00, again from disturbing visions of the future, and that’s it. I’m awake for the morning. Too many of you are right there with me. Too many of you aren’t sleeping at all.

Kat worked at the salon for a while yesterday. She only took two clients, finishing up around 8:00 PM. She was exhausted and couldn’t get to bed fast enough. G has a business shadow day this morning after which he’ll go to the salon and help out his mom with some of the details around the shop. I’m still concerned that she’s moving too quickly, though I understand why she’s pushing herself. She feels the weight of the world is on her shoulders. She always has. She desperately needs some of that weight removed without threatening the health and safety of everyone in the family.

I did make a mistake last night. In the throws of exhaustion, I had dinner delivered. A part of that dinner included street corn and I have no idea what flavoring and/or spices were used in its preparation. The result was a colon cleanse so thorough that I could have had a colonoscopy this morning, no problem. The kids didn’t seem to have any problem with their food, so I assume the corn was the only issue.

Getting less sleep at night means I’m napping more during the day which means I’m getting less done. My head is already spinning as I type. I can’t go back to bed yet, though, as I’m having milk and cat food delivered this morning. I still have a handful of Tony’s pictures to finish as well. Maybe I’m not as ready for a comeback as I thought I was. Even when I took the dogs out yesterday, I had to sit in a chair the entire time instead of walking around the yard with them.

Like many of you, I worry that matters are going to get worse before they get better. Here are some of the stories I’m reading this morning:

Hold on, I’m not done yet. I’ve had plenty of time to read this morning.

Even the animals are upset. 43 monkeys escape from a South Carolina medical lab. The young female monkeys, all too young to have any disease, left after a door was suspiciously left open. While “There is almost no danger to the public,” according to officials, residents of the nearby town are still cautious, and not all the monkeys have been found. Something tells me the Rhesus macaque primates heard how bad healthcare for women is in the United States and are trying to ‘go back where they came from.’

Llamas in Utah are apparently trying to catch a train going anywhere but Utah. No one seems to know where they came from, where they’re going, or whether they’ve been captured. The domesticated animals obviously got news of the election results, though, and decided to make a break for it. When the animals start leaving, you have to wonder why so many humans are staying.

Midst all the fear on the part of friends and family, I am mystified why some progressives are still quoting “love one another” Bible verses on social media. Stop it. You’re not helping. You had a fucking year to use your comic book scripture to affect the election. What was the result? 8 in 10 of white evangelicals VOTED FOR THE RAPIST! Obviously, there’s no power at all in your Bible verses. Put the damn book back on the shelf and leave it alone. I can find quotes about other ancient mythologies that are more appropriate. Try this one on for size:

“But suddenly the world turned sideways. I realized I’d been played with. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades had been set at each other’s throats by someone else…”

Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

Not good enough? Hmmmm, what else can I find quickly…

“When an impious band madly raged to extinguish the Roman name in the blood of Cæsar, the human race was astonished with sudden terror at ruin so universal, and the whole earth shook with horror.”

Ovid, Metamorphoses

And I haven’t even opened any of the volumes by Homer yet. Philosopher Northrop Frye wrote, “The disinterested imaginative core of mythology is what develops into literature, science, philosophy. Religion is applied mythology.” All the scripture verses in the world fail to capture any meaning because they are all, every last one of them, based on myth and a lack of understanding of modern science. Quoting them changes nothing and this election has certainly proven that to be true.

I also oppose the basic philosophy that love is a cure for the hate that fueled this election and its consequences. When the fuck has that ever worked? There were people who had the same ideas in Germany. By the way, today is the anniversary of Hitler’s failed 1923 ‘Beer Hall Putsch.” So, why didn’t love stop the bad man’s war then? Where was the love that could have stopped the murder of not only Jews but millions of others, including gays and anyone that we would now consider neurodivergent? Love doesn’t stop shit. The apologetics that comes with a “love everyone” attitude merely opens a door for hate and terror to come marching on in.

What I can promise you is that I will not be silent. When have I ever been quiet? I am gathering up all my energy to roar as loudly as this chemo-tortured body is able. Sure, at best we only have around 100 readers a day, and the greater majority of those are Facebook friends and acquaintances. Still, this is my voice and I will use it.

I can also promise to do my best to keep safe all those around me. So help me, if someone tells my daughter, “Your body, my choice,” I’m taking their fucking head off. If someone tells Kat that, be certain that she will take their head off. That statement is a blatant and intentional threat. I have zero tolerance for such threats. I will not hesitate to commit acts of violence if it will save the life and humanity of someone I care about. I may be small, but I have my mother’s temper and she managed to keep rowdy classes of fourth graders quiet. You don’t want to mess with that energy.

No, I don’t think we’re going to see any jackbooted thugs coming down our street. Instead, we’re going to see laws passed that quietly repeal one right after another. The Constitution will be gutted and the Supreme Court will be complicit. There will be no safe corner in the United States where we can peacefully live. We either fight or we die.

Which is it going to be?

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal

Thursday Morning Update: 11/07/24

November 7, 2024

At Risk [2012 original with AI background]

Welcome to life in purgatory, and I’m not just talking about the election. Sure, that’s a heavy concern, but at this juncture, we can only speculate about what might happen and when. This is America, and life, on hold. I’m waiting to hear back from Insurance. Kat’s waiting to hear back from her PCP. G is waiting for his birthday. Tipper’s waiting on life. No one is happy. The holidays look bleak. Hope is hanging by a thread in the few places it exists.

Today is a day where I will walk as little as possible. I don’t know what happened during the night, but my right kneecap suddenly decided that it doesn’t want my leg to bend. I’m sitting here with my leg extended, trying to keep the pain down. I’ll have to use a cane when taking the dogs out.

I did get some clarification as to why I’ve not been hearing back from Assisted Living facilities. When the state of Indiana switched its Medicaid/Medicare arrangement back in July, it shifted responsibility for Medicare housing wavers to the three insurance companies managing the new plan. The insurance companies weren’t set up to address the wavers and that has resulted in a severe delay in approving them. I have to have the waver first before talking to any of the Assisted Living facilities. I’ve contacted my insurance company and have been told a case manager will call me today or tomorrow. We’ll see if that actually happens.

Kat is just stuck. You know how you’re supposed to have a follow-up visit with your PCP after a major hospital stay? No one in her PCP’s office has responded to her request for an appointment. Complete radio silence. She’s talked to the hospital and they’ve shown concern, but as of this morning, nothing definitive has happened. This is concerning. She wakes in the morning with severe pain in her chest. She doesn’t know what, if any, OTC meds she can take. She’s out of the meds prescribed when she left the hospital. I’m concerned that if someone doesn’t start paying attention to her soon, she could end up back in the hospital.

G is disappointed in some changes at school. He chose the lab because of its emphasis on individual learning, working at your own pace. However, recent changes have seen all the students gathered in one room, moving from table to table, with strict parameters on what they do during the day. He complains that it feels too much like “regular” school and that he’s not having the opportunity to collaborate with other students. The Lab is still a new concept. I understand trying to work out bugs and address the needs of all the students. G is increasingly frustrated, though, and I worry that may slow his progress.

Tipper says she’s trying to get her grades back up but I’m not seeing that reflected in her daily reports. Instead, it seems as though she’s just existing, exerting a minimal amount of effort and energy into what she does. Her engineering teacher has been out all week and that has been disappointing for her. She’s really enjoying the engineering class, which is potentially exciting, but she’s not carrying through with the fundamentals such as math and world history. How does one motivate a 14-year-old girl who is more interested in Furry matters than keeping her GPA at a reasonable level? I’m open to ideas.

I suggest keeping an eye on Hurricane Rafael as it enters the Gulf. It swept across Cuba yesterday as a category 3 storm, taking out the country’s power grid yet again. Two days ago, most forecasters were going with a model that showed the storm not growing larger than category 1. Now, as it warms and grows in the gulf, it appears as if it will make landfall somewhere between Houston and New Orleans potentially as strong as a category 4. And get this: Rafael may not be the last storm of the season. Waters in the Caribbean are still warm and there’s every reason to be concerned that we could see storms forming into December.

Okay, I’m struggling to remain coherent here. Let me give you a few headlines that are worth chasing and then I’m going to have to stop. Protests continue in Jerusalem after Netanyahu fires Israeli defense minister. Federal Reserve is set to cut interest rates again as post-election uncertainty grows. Abortion rights advocates prevailed in ballot measures in seven states, but that doesn’t resolve the issue. Scientists said 2024 will be the first year in which the planet is more than 1.5C hotter than in the 1850-1900 pre-industrial period. Germany’s Coalition Collapses, Leaving the Government Teetering. Nissan plans 9,000 job cuts, slashes annual profit outlook.

All of those stories are concerning. I’d comment on each one but… I’m struggling to form complete sentences here. This probably isn’t the best day for me to be alone, but what choice do I have? The entire nation is in limbo.

Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I always am. I’ll just put everything on hold for another day. I’m sorry.

Cancer Update / Health / Morning Update / Personal

Wednesday Morning Update: 11/06/24

November 6, 2024

Personal Edition

This is probably not the update you were expecting. There will be two posts today, but the second one will most likely be on one of the websites I seldom use. Don’t worry, I’ll post it to Facebook for you. Yes, I’m absolutely furious over the voting results. We have a situation, though, that supersedes the coming fascism being brought into our lives. Please, by all means, pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee (I just made a fresh pot), and let’s chat.

Our house is no longer safe. I don’t want to get into the messy details, but Kat can’t come home for any length of time and I need to move into an Assisted Living facility ASAP. The problem is fixable and Kat and her Dad are working on that. However, solving the problem means extensive demolition of various parts of the house. I still have five months of chemo and unknown effects after that. I CANNOT LIVE HERE DURING THE DEMOLITION AND RECONSTRUCTION. I need your help finding an Assisted Living facility that doesn’t suck.

United Healthcare, which manages my insurance, recommends the following places:

Assisted Living
by Bloom at Eagle Creek

5045 West 52nd Street, Indianapolis, IN

Residential Services
by Benchmark Human Services

2431 Directors Row, Suite A, Indianapolis, IN

Assisted Living
by Summit Place West

55 Mission Dr, Indianapolis, IN

Assisted Living
by Oasis at 30th

5651 E 30th St, Indianapolis, IN

Community Living Services
by Putnam County Comprehensive Services Inc

810 Loews Boulevard, Greenwood, IN

Youth – Hospitality Club
by St. Augustine Home

2345 W 86th St, Indianapolis, IN

Assisted Living
by American Senior Communities (ASC)

3530 Shelby Street, Indianapolis, IN

Group Homes
by ResCare Community Living

8041 Knue Road, Indianapolis, IN

Assisted Living
by CrownPointe Communities

7365 E 16th St, Indianapolis, IN

Assisted Living
by Sanders Glen Retirement Community

334 South Cherry Street, Westfield, IN

The website lists five more, but they’re much further away, such as Bloomington, Lafayette, and South Bend. I contacted all of these through the website on Monday, but have not received a reply from any of them. I attempted to call the first two yesterday, but it did not go well. My brain went blank and I couldn’t answer the most basic questions. I stuttered and stammered through the conversations until both recommended I have someone else call on my behalf. Both sounded irritated.

I am not well. All you see of me is what I type here. These updates take more than two hours for me to write. I’ve been awake since 3:00 this morning trying to figure out exactly what to say. I can occasionally, with some warning, ramp myself up to be aware, cognizant, and conversant for a few hours. I can often walk without my cane for a while. I’ve not lost my hair and physically people can’t see any sign of my disability if I don’t want them to, and I never want them to.

When I’m here, at home, alone? I stop pretending. I spend hours doing nothing but staring at my walls because my brain won’t engage anything. The dogs have to paw hard at my arm, often leaving scratches, to get my attention. Cats will lie in my lap and I’ll not be aware that they’re present until I try to stand up. Remembering to take my medicine, especially the night set, requires setting multiple alarms. I try to not cook on the stove when I’m here by myself because I worry I’ll forget what I’m doing and accidentally burn the house down.

I am not safe. I need help.

Finances are tight. I have $127 left in my bank account to get me through the rest of the month. Bills will eat all of that and a bit more. Fortunately, the fridge and freezer are full. The only thing we’re likely to need is milk. But how am I supposed to pay for an Assisted Living facility when I’m this broke? I’m not sure I qualify for financial assistance and even if I do I’m pretty sure I am not competent enough to complete the paperwork.

I don’t want to do this. I’ll miss being around Kat and the kids. I can’t take the dogs and they won’t understand why I’m gone. I’ll be even more isolated than I already am. No one will come to visit. I’ll likely be the youngest person there and, I’m sorry, but I don’t always get along well with people who are much older than me (Tony is an exception). Depending on the facility, I may need to furnish my own furniture. I don’t have any furniture other than my bed and I need to leave that for Kat. Where am I going to get furniture? This isn’t going to be fun. I can’t imagine existing in such a place and not hating every moment. Yet, continuing to stay here is not remotely feasible. I need to be somewhere now.

I HATE admitting that I need this much help. I’ve spent the past two years trying to hide the decline and I’m failing more each day. There are days when I wish my heart would just stop beating. I’m not suicidal, mind you. I’m just ready for all this to be over. What good am I to anyone?

And the damn election didn’t make things any better.

Who am I? Why am I here? Who cares?

Sunday Morning Update: 12/22/24

Insanity Unhinged Edition

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Saturday Morning Update: 12/21/24

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Friday Morning Update: 11/15/24

Video Edition

Post from Associated Press

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Thursday Morning Update: 11/14/24

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Saturday Morning Update: 11/09/2024

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Thursday Morning Update: 11/07/24

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Wednesday Morning Update: 11/06/24

Personal Edition

Assisted Living
by Bloom at Eagle Creek

Residential Services
by Benchmark Human Services

Assisted Living
by Summit Place West

Assisted Living
by Oasis at 30th

Community Living Services
by Putnam County Comprehensive Services Inc

Youth – Hospitality Club
by St. Augustine Home

Assisted Living
by American Senior Communities (ASC)

Group Homes
by ResCare Community Living

Assisted Living
by CrownPointe Communities

Assisted Living
by Sanders Glen Retirement Community

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Personal Edition

Assisted Livingby Bloom at Eagle Creek

Residential Servicesby Benchmark Human Services

Assisted Livingby Summit Place West

Assisted Livingby Oasis at 30th

Community Living Servicesby Putnam County Comprehensive Services Inc

Youth – Hospitality Clubby St. Augustine Home

Assisted Livingby American Senior Communities (ASC)

Group Homesby ResCare Community Living

Assisted Livingby CrownPointe Communities

Assisted Livingby Sanders Glen Retirement Community

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Assisted Living
by Bloom at Eagle Creek

Residential Services
by Benchmark Human Services

Assisted Living
by Summit Place West

Assisted Living
by Oasis at 30th

Community Living Services
by Putnam County Comprehensive Services Inc

Youth – Hospitality Club
by St. Augustine Home

Assisted Living
by American Senior Communities (ASC)

Group Homes
by ResCare Community Living

Assisted Living
by CrownPointe Communities

Assisted Living
by Sanders Glen Retirement Community