Thursday, February 06, 2025

Thursday, February 06, 2025

February 6, 2025

WE ARE DONE (for now)!

NO MORE CHEMO! Yesterday was officially my last dose. While I still have a table full of other meds I’ll still have to take, the daily poisoning that I’ve endured for the past two-plus years is over! I want to give a HUGE THANK YOU to Kat and everyone else who has endured and put up with me over this less-than-fun journey. This is a trip that I do not care to repeat, ever, though that is, in reality, highly unlikely. Still, my oncology team is convinced that my numbers have been good enough for long enough that we can consider my leukemia to be in remission! PARTY TIME!

Well, okay, maybe hold up on that party thing a little bit. The doctor was careful to explain that being in remission doesn’t mean I immediately stop showing symptoms. Doing daily chemo for over two years means I have a lot of the drug in my body. The poison isn’t going to suddenly go away just because I stop adding to it. Recovery from the drug could take just as long as the chemo did, and there are some symptoms, such as chronic fatigue, that may never go completely away.

One of the things the doctor warned about was symptoms seeming to disappear for a while and then suddenly returning without any warning. While nausea and night sweats are the symptoms most likely to reappear, he warned that I should always keep my cane handy because there’s no way of knowing when my muscles might decide to shut down and stop working. He said the symptoms can also mimic a cold or the flu. Should such symptoms reappear, he requested that I call the cancer center before calling my GP to consider whether what I’m experiencing might be a leftover from the chemo.

What does ‘being in remission’ mean if I’m still going to be just as sick? Let’s start here:

The doctor emphasized that there is no way to be absolutely sure that CLL is in complete remission. There is a test that can be done with a bone marrow sample, but it is still considered highly experimental as no one is quite sure what to do with the results. As a result, he recommended against the rather painful procedure. Instead, I’ll do quarterly check-ins with the nurse practitioner, and as long as those pesky numbers don’t start to climb again, we’ll assume that the remission is holding.

There’s also no way to accurately predict how long the remission might hold. Five years is pretty much the max for most people, but there’s always the chance it could be as little as six months. His recommendation was pretty standard: get plenty of rest, eat well, exercise when I can, and avoid any serious stress. Apparently, the doctor hasn’t been reading a lot of news lately.

In the meantime, I have a fine needle biopsy of a nodule on my left thyroid this morning. My anxiety wishes that Kat could be there with me, but she has other things to do and, by any means of accounting, this is a rather low-risk procedure. I just have to stay completely still.

HAVE YOU MET ME?

I don’t think I’ve ever stayed completely still for anything! A local anesthetic will be used, and then they carefully poke a needle into my neck. I can’t imagine anything going wrong there, can you? I’m told the whole thing shouldn’t take more than two hours, and then I can come back home and sleep off the anesthetic.

Having a nodule is not necessarily indicative of yet more cancer. Should the biopsy come back positive, thyroid cancer is typically handled by an endocrinologist, not an oncologist. Same building, different floor, different doctor. The nodule has sat there untreated for the past two years, though, so chances lean more toward it being benign.

Where do I go from here? Assuming the whole thyroid thing is a nonissue, I have an appointment with the neurologist that may be rather involved. There could be a surgery or two involved there. I’ll need to see a urologist again, and there could be a surgery involved there as well. I still need to be in an assisted living facility, but as Medicare/Medicaid budgets get tossed around, who knows when that might happen?

A part of me wants to get back to work taking pictures again. I would have to make a lot of adjustments, though. I need to be able to sit down more often than standing. Indoors is better than outdoors. No extreme weather in any direction. No chasing breaking news stories. For that matter, probably no chasing static news stories. Still, I feel like the photo ideas have just been piling up for the past three years. I want a camera in my hand again.

For now, we’ll just worry about this whole FNA thing, get through it, then chill for the weekend. I’m sure next week will bring a whole new set of problems. There’s never any shortage.

So, who’s down to party?

Current Issues / Health / Long Read / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Sunday, January 26, 2025

January 26, 2025

Being About The Land.

With everything that’s going on in the world at the moment, I’m going to assign you some extra reading. You don’t necessarily need to do so right at this moment, but given that it’s Sunday and you likely didn’t have anything better planned, this seems like a good time to cover some things I simply don’t have time to write about. I try to keep morning updates between 300-1,000 words. If I go over 1,000 words, which I did three times this past week, it gets labeled as a ‘long read.’ Think of this as the background reading you might do before a college lecture.

Any of those articles are worthy of their own commentary and exploration, but I only have one post in me per day anymore. The need for brevity is not pleasant. I’m a strong advocate of long-form writing. Brains don’t retain headlines. To understand the world and the things going on in it requires volumes of information from multiple sources. Please, take the time to read and share. Sharing this post and its related articles helps keep others informed as well.

Just about the time I think I have a grip on my life and everything going on around it something always comes up and puts me back in bed. If previous experience is any indicator, I’ll be getting in extra mattress time for the next two weeks or so. Somewhere in there, we should have a biopsy for that three-centimeter nodule on my left thyroid. At least, it was only three centimeters two years ago; we’re hoping the damn thing didn’t grow. The ‘luxury’ of this time is that I get to lie there and ponder deeply the many challenges we’re facing. Our house isn’t being bombed. We’re not forced to relocate (yet). Compared to much of the rest of the world, we’re reasonably safe. However, recent events indicate we should take on a preparedness approach that is more aggressive than what we’ve done in the past.

In the past, I’ve looked at survivalists as some form of doomsday extremists. Kat’s mom has a survivalist thread to her cloth and we quietly laugh about her stockpile of dried foods and meals-ready-to-eat (MREs). She’s not as severe as those who build deep bunkers and have enough water stored to get them through nuclear fallout, but she takes the matter seriously and keeps her rations fresh. Given the events of this past week, I’m beginning to think that she’s not as reactionary as we’ve believed. Perhaps taking on more of a survivalist mindset would serve us all well.

Fueling the survivalist thoughts this morning are Felonious Punk’s comments aboard Air Force One about emptying Gaza of all Palestinians. Never mind that these people have occupied this territory for at least 6,000 years, arguably longer. Once nomadic tribes have settled down in recent centuries, built cities, hospitals, and schools. They have contributed to science, philosophy, and mathematics. They have homes and a deep, vibrant culture. And along comes the American Idiot who wants to ignore all that and make them all move. Obviously, he has no respect for people, their lives, and their history.

The same applies in our own country. Videos of the Tuskegee Airmen and women WWII pilots have been scrapped from Air Force training. The unconstitutional push to end birthright citizenship. The ridiculous assault on immigrants. People of sound mind would never consider the obliteration of history, culture, and civilization that is being pushed by this White House.

Across the street and one house to our North resides a multigenerational Latinx family. There are four generations living together in a three-bedroom house. Everyone works. By 7:00 each morning, they are all gone to various jobs, the babies to daycare. They come home and they keep working. They keep chickens that provide them with both meat and eggs. Everyone has a different assignment: cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for the babies (of which there are now three). They own their house. The elder generation has lived there over 30 years. They are all US citizens. Yet, they are concerned that this administration might attempt to deport them.

For current generations, the future has never been more uncertain. We thought we were safe. We thought the Russians were the biggest threat to our lifestyle. We never considered that half of us would elect a brainless demagogue who has no respect for any of us. Today, there is no life in the United States that is not in danger, not from outside military forces, but from our own government.

One of the big issues during last year’s election was the price of eggs. One of the campaign promises that got Felonious Punk elected was that he’d bring those prices down. One week in, egg prices have gone up and so have other items such as insulin. The California Farm Bureau says fears in the Central Valley have led to migrant farm workers not showing up for work. This will result in higher food prices and a lower quality of life. Without access to affordable food, disease rates will increase.

Put all this together and it becomes clear that we need to, in the short term at least, take on a more survivalist mindset to how we live. One of the topics I think we need to revisit is gardening. Our last attempt, six or seven years ago, was an absolute disaster. We can’t even get weeds to grow in that part of the lawn now. What I’m thinking now is that we were on the wrong side of the house. Grass on the East side of the house grows significantly faster and thicker than anywhere else. That tells me that the soil there is, for whatever reason, more suitable for growing things. A garden might stand a chance of taking off.

Gardening with a survivalist mindset is significantly different from gardening for the pleasure of it, though. More thought has to be given to which crops produce the highest yield for the longest amount of time. Nutrient-dense vegetables like potatoes, sweet potatoes, kale, and spinach move to the top of the list. High-calorie crops, such as corn, beans, and squash, offer a significant energy source, which is important if we’re having to fight to survive. Plants like basil, oregano, echinacea, and chamomile can flavor your meals and provide natural remedies for various ailments. True survivalists look at perennial plants as well, but given Kat’s and my health concerns, I’m not sure planning that far into the future is worthwhile.

Survivalist gardening comes with its own challenges, starting with the amount of work that has to be put into making such a garden flourish. Working in the garden is relaxing for some people, but a survivalist garden pays attention to production rates and that means getting in there and giving plants the absolute best environment for growth. That takes a lot of time starting well before anything is planted. One has to pay attention to how things are arranged and planted, such as pole beans and tomatoes. The East side of our house gets more afternoon shade, so that becomes a factor as well. Do we have the energy that it takes to produce this type of garden? We may not have a choice. This could be a matter of survival.

Another challenge is what to do with everything one grows. Canning is a time-honored tradition in many homes and is great for preserving foods so that they’re available out of season. Have you ever tried canning, though? It’s hard work, takes an intense amount of time, and always carries with it the chance one might blow up the whole kitchen. Once the canning is done, one needs a place to store all the jars. We already don’t have enough space as it is! Where we would put everything is a serious concern.

Then, there are the dogs. For a long time, Kat has wanted to raise chickens. From a survivalist point of view, that’s a good idea. We could rather easily build a chicken coop along the South fence line. However, chickens have a bad habit of escaping from their coops, and dogs like ours have a bad habit of invading them. The garden would also need strong fencing to keep the dogs out. We didn’t do that with our last garden and I’m sure that’s one of the many reasons it failed.

While there are ways to meet most of those challenges, the answers tend to be expensive and money is another one of the things that we don’t have in abundance. The raw costs of fencing, fertilizer, and ground prep create a heavy row of red ink across the spreadsheet of profitability. Without a lot of hard work and high produce yield, there’s not much of an ROI in such a venture. Still, as the availability of food becomes more scarce and the prices continue to climb, by summer gardening may be the only way most people have of affording food.

We are fortunate to have enough space where gardening is even an option. People living in apartments have fewer choices and are likely to not be able to produce the amount of food their family needs. Community gardens can be an answer to that problem, but such planning needs to have already started and I’m afraid a large number of people won’t see the danger until their pantries are empty.

The challenges being thrust upon us are severe and unknown to current generations. We all thought was were well past the pioneer days of 150 or so years ago, yet here we are, needing to grow our own food and not certain that we won’t have to relocate later. While fighting the fascism of this administration is critical, we also have to give space to the need to survive in the here and now. If we only focus on one, we lose the battle for the other. The journey of the next four years is going to be exhausting even for healthy people, and Kat and I are not healthy.

As G considers his educational options, he’s leaning toward an option that would provide him with vocational training in construction or HVAC in addition to his normal coursework. Transportation is the biggest issue there as the nearest facility is in Fishers, where the buses don’t go. Still, with all the challenges of the future, he’s not wrong in thinking that one can’t count on a single form of employment being enough. A 40-hour workweek becomes irrelevant when one needs multiple jobs to survive.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here in pain, struggling to breathe, and feeling envious of all the animals sleeping on my bed. There is a significant part of me that wants to give up.

There’s also a significant part of me that wants a waffle.

We’re going to need more coffee.

Health / Long Read / News & Comment / science / Social Commentary

Saturday, January 25, 2025

January 25, 2025

Some Things Are Satire

There is a lot of ‘stuff’ I could talk about, but it would take me forever to type it and I’m not sure my body is going to give me the grace to sit upright for that long. I’ll do what I can today and we can continue the conversation tomorrow. During my doctor’s visit yesterday, I was given a flu shot and the first half of the shingles vaccine. Kat reminded me last night that I’m older than the last time I received those shots. My body isn’t up to fighting as hard. I know, not everyone thinks vaccines work. There are some pretty nasty side effects if you don’t stay on schedule, though. My stamina is going to take a hit for the next couple of weeks.

Another concern is that Americans are becoming bored with being outraged. Felonious Punk has been in office less than a week and already, the NYTimes is declaring that the era of ‘Hyperpolitics’ is gone, and with it the whole concept of Resistance. Fellow Okie and deep thinker Krista Trippet wrote in this morning’s “On Being” post, “The news that is, as we say ‘breaking,’ is never seeing things whole.” She encourages us to take a deeper look and consider the aspects of deeper time, much as a geologist views the world. She writes, “It is harder for us to train our eyes and imaginations on the beauty and creativity that are so alive in our world, the generative learning and stretching that are underway. These realities of our time are most visible close to home, in the worlds that we can see and touch. They are quiet. They do not trip the fear center of our brains, which inclines us to attend more seriously in every moment to what feels dangerous and destructive. And, in our time, that narrative of danger and destruction comes to us a thousand times, a thousand ways, each day.”

That “narrative of danger and destruction” was a hard slap in the face this morning. It’s bad enough that a drunken serial abuser is now in charge of the Department of Defence. Our new Secretary of State has already been warned by China to watch his step. The pause on foreign aid could threaten the distribution of lifesaving drugs. The ban on gender research puts NIH programs at risk. The shutdown of the federal diversity office at the National Science Foundation breaks the law that created it. In all the places that actually matter to our lives, there is fear, uncertainty, and panic. Should the planet be struck with another pandemic, our lack of international cooperation places us among the most vulnerable, and most likely to die.

There’s also the false narrative being pushed by the White House. The Associated Press is one of the few outlets still fact-checking the lies and misdirection coming from the talking mouths in Washington. There seems to be little regard for what is true or factual. Without anyone doing fact-checking anymore, lies and conspiracies run rampant across all forms of social media and far too many people are believing all the wrong stories.

Meanwhile, 2024 US home sales hit the lowest level in nearly 30 years with ownership increasingly out of reach.

Part of me still wants to scream “FIGHT BACK!” but in the rare moment of sanity, I have to admit that going to war against a well-funded and reasonably trained government is a fool’s game. Even if I gathered all my neighbors together and armed them well, the government has a history of bombing the fuck out of neighborhoods it doesn’t like (think Tulsa and Philadelphia). It would be naive to think such horrors won’t happen again.

Perhaps the best move for any of us is to take a more defensive position. We don’t need to go charging against ICE to be effective, all we have to do is wait for them to come to us and then stonewall. We don’t know any undocumented people. We haven’t seen anyone illegal in the neighborhood. Post “Private Property” signs on every side of your house. Get big dogs that don’t like uniforms (we have two, and the UPS guy is their sworn enemy). ICE can only operate in public areas without a warrant. Reduce the number of ‘public’ areas and we reduce the number of places where they can catch people off guard.

Already, a New Jersey ICE raid has detained a US veteran and citizens, according to the town’s mayor. Such events are only going to grow in size and number. Are any of us safe? Is carrying a driver’s license enough or do we need to carry copies of our birth certificates to prove our citizenship?

What protections do we all need to take? Since my general inclination is to avoid conflict at all costs, I feel ill-prepared to potentially have to confront anyone, especially an authority figure brazen enough to violate the Constitution. If we’re going to ‘stand up’ against the crimes of this administration, then we need to take some precautions to protect ourselves. So, I decided to take a page from those who’ve never trusted the government and look at tactical gear that makes sense for people like you and me.

Let’s start with basic chest protection. Be aware that not all tactical vests are created equal. You want a plate carrier that can handle the right size of protective plates to keep you safe. Looking around, I think this Shellback Tactical Banshee Plate Carrier is probably a good starting point. Click here for more info.

Plate carriers are useless if you don’t have plates in them. The challenge is knowing which plate is best for you. WARNING: DO NOT USE METAL PLATES! METAL PLATES ARE FOR TARGETS, NOT PROTECTION! As far as I can tell, these LTC 26605 Multi Curve Level 4 SAPI Plates are among the best in the business. They should stop almost anything that a DOJ employee (such as ICE) might be carrying. What’s important here is making sure you get the size that fits you. Shop carefully.

Ya’ gotta have a belt and a belt liner to help hold shit together. The DM Mech belt pad and it’s companion inner belt should keep you in good shape and they’re not as expensive as some others. Tactical people I (sort of) trust say these are the best on the market.

Next up: This dump pouch from DM. Why? ‘Cause ya’ gotta hold things like your Gatorade, evidence, gun magazines, etc. This one lies flat and unassuming when empty, hangs nicely on your belt, and won’t rip or tear when you get too excited and catch it on a door frame or something.

If you’re carrying a gun you’re gonna need a mag pouch or two. Which one depends on what kind of weapon you’re carrying. Generally speaking, the Esstac KYWI pouches seem to be top-of-the-line. Ask yourself, though, are you really prepared to get into a firefight with anyone? If you don’t have the training to know when and how to change mags under pressure, then maybe you should ease back on the aggression a little bit, ‘kay?

Finally, because you’re reading this page, I am pretty sure that you’re going to need an Individual First Aid Kit (IFAK) to go with your gear. Again, I’m going with this DM Fast Pouch because if you’re been injured, you need to act quickly to keep yourself from bleeding out all over the place. What do you put in it? North American Rescue has a one-handed tourniquet that is the kind used by military forces. They have plenty of other first aid considerations as well. Some of you are more clumsy than I am so you might want to consider multiple IFAKs.

Yeah, I know that for some people that feels like a lot. For others, it may not be enough. I strongly advise that you not get in over your head here. There’s a damn good reason Kat doesn’t like the idea of me carrying a gun. The Marine is the marksman in the family anyway and there’s little point in carrying a weapon you don’t know how to use accurately. Mishandling weapons will kill you faster than ICE will. At the end of the day, no DOJ or law enforcement official wants to kill anyone because the paperwork alone is suffocating.

There’s still so much more I could write about this morning, but breathing is a challenge at the moment so I need to stop and address that issue. Am I advocating that you arm yourself? Not really. I suggest considering what you can do to protect yourself. You alone know where your comfort level is. All I ask is that you keep yourself sufficiently prepared for whatever level of stupidity comes knocking on your door or your workplace.

And stay caffienated, please. You don’t aim well when your eyes are half shut.

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Thursday, January 16, 2025

January 16, 2025

The Holding Of Horses.

Pain. The last knuckle on the pinky fingers of my left hand decided it wanted not to cooperate last night. That’s all it took to make my night miserable. None of the larger joints seemed to have any problems for a change, but that one itty bitty knuckle was enough to make rest impossible for most of the night. This proves yet once again that little things can make a big difference.

There’s an interesting article in today’s New York Times reviewing the new book by Gay Talese, “A Town Without Time,” a new collection of his New York writings. One of the “little” things he notices, particularly as people get older, is how people dress. He and his wife, the retired publisher Nan Talese, live next door to a 16-story medical building. He sees cars pull up and people get out to see a doctor, and they’re dressed “dreadfully, in blue jeans, sneakers, windbreakers,” he said. If they’d only dress better, they’d feel better, he’s convinced. “Look in the mirror, you’d feel better,” he said. “You wouldn’t have to spend so much time in doctors’ offices.”

I’m sitting here in a long-sleeve compression shirt, old jeans, and baggy socks. I haven’t worn a suit in so long I’m not sure any of them still fit; they’d likely hang on me like an old dish rag. These days, I’m more likely to settle for less style and greater ease. Just the act of getting ready to take the dogs out in the cold each morning is exhausting. When I come back inside and un-layer myself, I have to sit down and catch my breath before doing anything else. Do I look like a mess? Yes. Do I feel like a mess? Yes. Would wearing a suit change that? Not one bit.

Headlines started hitting my phone late last night heralding a truce between Gaza and Israel. After 17 months of stupidly going back and forth at each other, this is good news, right? I wouldn’t start those celebrations just yet. Netanyahu says ‘last minute crisis’ with Hamas holding up approval of Gaza truce and hostage deal. Even if the Israeli Cabinet approves the deal, it wouldn’t take effect until Sunday. In between now and then, Israel is going to fire all the rockets they can. Israeli strikes in Gaza killed at least 70 people after the peace accord was announced! Remember, it was Netanyahu who torpedoed the Camp David Accords that Jimmy Carter brokered between Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat, preventing them from being approved. Netanyahu is a war criminal who can’t be trusted. The details matter.

The FDA finally got around to banning Red Dye 3 from food yesterday. The cancer-causing dye has been illegal in cosmetics for decades, but for some stupid reason, it’s still a mainstay in a number of overly processed foods and medicines. Store-branded gummy vitamins are especially likely to be full of the dangerous stuff, along with cake icing and candy corn. Seems like a little thing, perhaps, but have you noticed the increase in cancers among younger people? Little things. Pay attention.

Local Indianapolis news stations went nuts last night as the state’s governor signed an executive order eliminating the DEI office and related initiatives at the state level. Who does that most affect? Primarily anyone looking for a state job. It means no one’s going to be making sure that the handicapped person isn’t overlooked because hiring them might mean having to make costly accommodations. At the same time, the governor also signed orders for state agencies to reconsider whether state employees actually need a college degree and to eliminate ‘burdensome’ requirements from various state licenses. Why? Because the state’s workforce is too undereducated to meet the current requirements. Little things.

Before heading out the door this morning, G took a look at the seven-day forecast. In addition to a chance for more snow on Sunday, morning temps are all well below zero for at least the first three days of next week. That means we’ll want to make sure everyone’s blankets are clean and dry. Sure, it sounds like a small thing, but it can make a big difference when one is fighting off frostbite.

I wonder what Gay Talese thinks about snow boots.

You can wonder if I really give a shit what Gay Talese thinks.

Health / Long Read / Morning Update / Mythology / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / science / Social Commentary

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

January 15, 2025

You Can Die If You Want To.

Zero. As I type this morning, that’s how many degrees of warmth we have in Indianapolis. Zero. Granted, the US still uses the Fahrenheit scale so we’re not talking about absolute zero, in which case I would have kept the kids home from school and the dogs would just have to hold everything until later this morning. As it is, I made sure children were well-layered, capped, and gloved before they walked out the door with what I hope is sufficient warning about the amount of ice everywhere.

G has a visit to the state house scheduled for today, something to do with entrepreneurship and economics. I’m hoping his trip is interesting and educational. If not, be sure that his review will be more scathing than anything I might write. The child has no filter and is not shy about expressing his viewpoint. The same goes for a couple of his school friends. I’m not sure the airheads in the state legislature are ready for what’s about to hit them this morning.

Like many states, Indiana does most of its law-making during the first two months of each year. There simply isn’t enough going on to justify longer terms in most states, and governors always have the ability to call a special session if an emergency pops up. So far, there are 503 bills introduced to the state senate and 519 bills in the state house. If that sounds like a lot, don’t worry too much. In previous years, fewer than fifty bills actually make it to the governor’s desk for signing. Some are combined, but most are dropped because they are, in a word, stupid.

For example, Senate Bill 364 and House Bill 1335 both lack any understanding of real-world science. The bill “Prohibits a person who has the intent of affecting the intensity of sunlight, temperature, or weather from discharging a chemical or apparatus into the atmosphere, except in certain circumstances.” That’s right, folks, they’re outlawing chemtrails and weather manipulation machines because Indiana science education has failed that badly.

Senate Bill 35 requires that “each school corporation, charter school, and state accredited nonpublic elementary school to include print handwriting, cursive handwriting, and spelling in its curriculum.” Because, you know, this generation does so much handwriting.

Here’s a fun one. Senate Bill 11 proposes that “a social media operator [to] restrict a minor user’s access to social media without first obtaining verifiable parental consent for the minor user. Defines a “minor user” as an individual who is less than 16 years of age. Establishes a civil cause of action to allow a parent or legal guardian of a minor user who accesses social media without verifiable parental consent to bring a suit against the social media operator. Allows any person to bring an action for injunctive relief against a social media operator if the social media operator fails to implement a verifiable parental consent method. Allows the attorney general to: (1) bring an action against a social media operator that fails to implement a verifiable parental consent method; and (2) issue a civil investigative demand if the attorney general has reasonable cause to believe that any person is engaged in a violation. Creates a civil cause of action if a minor user is subject to social media bullying.” I get that online bullying is a problem, but this isn’t the answer.

House Bill 1170 eliminates gun-free safe zones. Heaven forbid there be anywhere that Second Amendment nut jobs can’t get to you.

House Bill 1008 wants to adjust the Indiana/Illinois state line. Damn good thing we don’t border Greenland.

Senate Bill 286 makes it illegal to wear a mask at a public assembly. Let’s all just get sick and die.

House Bill 1231 requires the display of the Ten Commandments in all schools. Because iron-age mythology makes more sense than science education.

There’s plenty more to read through if you have absolutely nothing better to do with your day. The greater majority of bills are housekeeping details that keep everything funded and running. Most bills won’t see the light of day, especially if they encounter any serious pushback.

One bill I was surprised to see but wholly support is House Bill 1011 which would allow for end-of-life options. Specifically, “Allows individuals with a terminal illness who meet certain requirements to make a request to an attending provider for medication that the individual may self-administer to bring about death. Specifies requirements a provider must meet in order to prescribe the medication to a patient. Prohibits an insurer from denying payment of benefits under a life insurance policy based upon a suicide clause in the life insurance policy if the death of the insured individual is the result of medical aid in dying.” Given the state’s stance on abortion, I don’t expect this bill to make it out of committee, if it even gets that far.

Right-to-die legislation makes far too much sense for an aging population where up to 4 in 10 people could develop dementia after 55. Anyone who has witnessed a loved one slowly, painfully, withering away, not knowing where or who they are, understands the level of mercy this type of legislation shows. Republicans don’t understand compassion or mercy, though, and they’re sorely lacking in common sense, so don’t expect this one to hit the governor’s desk.

I can’t overemphasize that most of the bills proposed in this state legislature or anywhere else will ever actually come up for a vote in any form. State legislators like to act all big and grandiose as they introduce their insipid little bills, but rarely does anyone actually give a shit. For that matter, rarely does anyone even know who they are. I’ve often wondered if someone could walk into the chamber wearing a suit with a flag lapel pin and just start talking. Would anyone know the fucking difference?

States are likely to become the front line of the Felonious Punk’s agenda because it will be easier to pass ridiculous legislation in state houses than it is at the federal level. State legislators tend to be an empty-headed sanctimonious lot that relishes any attempt to garner favor at a federal level. Watching them genuflect to a convicted felon and rapist makes me want to puke.

Meanwhile, LA is still on fire and celebrities don’t want you to forget about them. There are photo ops everywhere.

What matters most is that we all are warm and safe and that there’s more coffee in the pot.

Current Issues / Health / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Monday, January 13, 2025

January 13, 2025

Cancellation.

Nothing about life has ever been certain, not even death and taxes. Sure, they exist, but what form will they take? Can they be put off for another year? Can you make yours more meaningful than anyone else’s? Life doesn’t come with any guarantees and 2025 seems to be the year the universe has decided to emphasize that point.

Twenty-four people are now known dead in the LA fires. Among the victims, an amputee who died next to his son who had cerebral palsy. A resident who refused to leave died with a garden hose in his hands. Annette Rossilli, 85, insisted on staying in her Pacific Palisades home with her dog Greetly, her canary Pepper, her two parrots, and her turtle. Rory Callum Sykes, a former Australian child star, was at the family’s 17-acre Mount Malibu TV Studios estate, where he had his own cottage when it burned down.

Meanwhile, temps across the Midwest are headed back to the bottom of the thermometer by the middle of the week. While there are currently no expectations for additional snow, the severe cold slows recovery efforts and creates additional health problems, especially for those with pre-existing breathing issues (count Kat in with that group).

You’re not the only one feeling as though you’re fighting an uphill battle alone. Winter is always a rough time for those with seasonal depression, but this January is on track to set a new record for violent deaths, including suicide. 988 calls are up dramatically, but there are still thousands who refuse to reach out for help.

There’s an old maxim stating that ‘If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.’ Governments, local, state, and federal, should be leading the charge at finding solutions, but instead, they are the cause of bigger problems. Plows aren’t where they need to be. Fire hydrants are dry. Resources are mismanaged. Legislators are more worried about which committee they’ll be on than providing assistance for their constituents. They’ll approve billionaires for cabinet positions but won’t provide funding for emergency housing.

If there’s going to be a 51st state, it needs to be Puerto Rico, not Canada or Mexico. Invading Greenland only creates more enemies. Interfering with European elections makes the world more unstable. Any ‘war’ on immigrants could have a devastating effect on Social Security. There’s a reasonable fear of a polio resurgence. Even adults may soon be vulnerable to ‘childhood’ diseases, even if you had them as a kid. All of these are things that governments should be addressing, but no, we’re more worried about the ups and downs of the stock market, making sure the rich get richer.

Here’s an idea: complete tax revolt. If billionaires are taking over the government, then they can bloody well pay for it. They have the cash. They could fund the next four years and still be richer than 99% of us. So, why the fuck are people like you and I paying a fucking dime in taxes? I want a full refund. When governments start doing their job, protecting and helping their citizens, then maybe we can talk about people like you and me participating in its funding. Until then, we should keep our money in our pockets.

We’re going to need every dime we have if we’re to survive this year.

Health / Morning Update / Personal / science

Saturday, January 11, 2025

January 11, 2025

Clean Your Brain.

Waking up this morning disrupted one of the more interesting dreams that I’ve had of late. In this dream, which mixed generations of people who had never met in real life, Tipper and I were going to the movies on a Sunday afternoon. Tipper was seeing an animated film about a futuristic robot. I was watching a biopic about a composer, with the added benefit of a seminar with said composer following the film. Anchoring the mall in which the movies were being shown was a massive library, which really isn’t a bad idea, in my opinion. My dream never showed either film, but both had a somewhat disturbing thread connecting them: Communism.

The composer, whose name I don’t remember, was famously autistic and legitimately didn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion of him. Divorced several times, he was known to pick up his paper and pens and disappear, not telling anyone where he was for weeks at a time. The color of ink he used on his manuscripts varied from day to day: green, blue, red, black, and orange. There was no particular reason for his choice of color beyond how he was feeling on a given day.

Among those seated around me at long banquet tables were composers from earlier times in my life, not necessarily Communist composers, but still influential to my education. Nancy Hill Cobb. Alan Bush. Dmitry Kabelevsky. We all chatted as if we’d been long-time friends, which is possible only in dreamland. Dr. Cobb was the only one in the group I’ve known in real life, and I’ve not seen her in over 40 years. Conversations swirled around problems such as uncooperative conductors, lack of respect or interest on the part of audiences, and the seeming futility of attempting to educate a new generation.

The cats woke me before I ‘saw’ the movie. I looked out the window to a yard just as full of snow this morning as it was Tuesday morning. Once again, an arctic blast is forecasted to send temps below 0 by Wednesday morning. A sad fact is that I don’t think anyone is living especially comfortably at the moment. Either one is cold and roads are slick, or one’s house is on fire. The fact that insurance companies dropped fire coverage on thousands of California homes just before the fires began magnifies just how incompetent late-stage capitalism is in addressing the needs of people. There is no ‘up’ side to this past week.

What we did learn this week is that our brains clean themselves while we sleep. The good news is that you don’t have to be in deep REM sleep for this to happen. In fact, the good stuff happens outside of REM areas. The bad news is that sleep-inducing drugs such as Ambien inhibit the brain’s ability to flush out the day’s toxins. I’m taking this to mean that I must have one of the cleanest brains on the planet, or that the toxicity level of my brain is so severe that frequent naps are necessary to keep the damn thing operating. I suppose it’s possible that both are true.

My next question, one not answered in this study, is to what degree, if any, the pulsating cleaning movement affects our dreams. How are our minds getting any rest if our brains are spending our sleep time scrubbing away the bad stuff? Perhaps this might explain how it is possible to sleep all night and still wake up feeling tired. That’s probably not the case, but it’s one of the many questions I’d love for science to answer.

The dogs don’t seem to be in any hurry to go outside this morning. Despite the cats demanding that I wake up and get moving, the pups still haven’t asked to go out. In fact, Hamilton is lying here snoring rather hard. I’m a little jealous. Sleeping sounds like a very good way to spend the day.

Along with finishing this pot of coffee.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / Personal

Wednesday, January 08, 2025

January 8, 2025

Destruction & Denial.

Playing around and engaging in meaningless rhetoric isn’t on my agenda today. There’s no point in it. Los Angeles is on fire, whipped up by record-setting winds. The rest of the country is freezing. We still have just as much snow on the ground as we did on Monday. Residential roads still have not been plowed because DPW crews are still having to address dangerous conditions on main roads. There’s no reason to engage in nonsense or frivolity.

I’m keeping the kids home today. I obviously can’t drive them in and it’s too damn cold for them to be standing out in the snow waiting on a city bus. They both have their school laptops. We’ll treat it like an e-learning day. They were both soaking wet and covered in snow after walking home from the bus stop yesterday. There’s no need to repeat that.

In fact, there’s a lot that doesn’t bear repeating. As we return to the ridiculous rantings of a President who fails to engage his brain before speaking (causing many to wonder if he has one at all), the most effective response is no response. One doesn’t take seriously the rantings of a madman. Don’t give his words oxygen. He doesn’t have a fraction of the authority he thinks he has. His rhetoric is meant to cause chaos. Don’t give in.

Disengage. Don’t spread political memes. Don’t share the articles. Don’t participate in the chaos. Focus on you and your family.

I am not well. I have scratches and bruises I can’t explain. Kat says I’m getting up numerous times during the night and I have no memory of doing so. My walking grows increasingly unstable. We have food, but I’m unable to work in the kitchen to cook it. My head spins as this headache continues into its ninth week.

There is no help coming. I called the insurance company yesterday. I’m number 6, 726 on the list for consideration for a Medicaid waiver that could get me into an assisted living facility. The insurance rep was not encouraging, saying that they’re anticipating rule changes at the very least before they can get even a quarter of the way through the list.

I’m on my own. The quiet of the kids being gone yesterday removed any sense of structure to my day. Did I eat anything? The near-empty bag of popcorn on my desk tells me that I did, but I have no memory of fixing it. Did I take my meds? My pill bottles were in a different position this morning, so I assume that I did.

The temperature outside has dropped seven degrees since I started typing an hour ago. I suppose someone might send us pizza or cheeseburgers, but I’m not holding my breath.

I exist, but I am nothing but a shell.

A shell that drinks coffee.

Health / Morning Update / Personal

Sunday, January 05, 2025

January 5, 2025

Embracing The Quiet.

Everything was quiet when I took the dogs outside this morning. The wind was barely moving. None of the neighbors were up and around. Normally, we’d see a few people heading to food service jobs or early Mass, but this morning, nothing. No one moved. Several churches have already canceled services for today. The city’s salt trucks were out overnight prepping roads but admitted that the coming wind could negate their efforts, especially on East/West streets. DPW admitted yesterday that clearing roads will be a multi-day task, with residential roads being addressed last. To keep people informed as to what streets have been cleared, the Indy Snow Force map has been activated.

The storm could arrive in the Indianapolis metro anywhere between 10:00 AM and 1:00 PM. Police are advising that people get any necessary travel done before then. Are they being a little inflammatory as to the severity of the storm? Possibly, but they know what we discussed yesterday, People are likely to be overconfident in their skill at driving in the snow. Accidents are inevitable. The best we can hope is that no one dies because of someone else’s foolishness.

One of the interesting things about snow is that it is quiet, one doesn’t hear it falling. We might hear any ice in the mix, and there are moments when the wind may howl, but snow falls silently, sneaking up on us while we’re not looking. In doing so, other sounds become muffled as well. I hear an airplane overhead as it prepares to land at IND, but the birds that typically drive our cats nuts of the morning are all voiceless, hiding in their nests. The only constant sound is that of Belvedere snoring.

Are we wimps to take such a cautious attitude toward this storm? I’m sure those of adventurous spirit would say that we are. Others complain just to claim the role of antagonist. I can appreciate the former but despise the latter. Both are dangerous in their inability to adequately assess the risks of being out. This is what causes people to die.

My advice is to embrace the quiet. Fill your coffee cup and spend the time reading. Of course, if one has children of a rambunctious age, there might be an urge to go outside and build snow persons. I can’t help you there. There’s an artistry to creating a population of snow creatures. The best a parent can do is bundle the little tykes well and feed them warm soup when they return inside. Make sure to take pictures. These are core memories.

This is also a good morning to make pancakes. That’s a problem because I love making pancakes. Unfortunately, the trip outside with the dogs reminded me quite clearly that standing in front of an oven for any length of time is no longer in my skill set. I even have an insulated carafe holding a pot full of coffee so that I don’t have to walk back and forth to the kitchen to fill my cup. I’ll have instant oatmeal instead and try to not spill it all over myself.

We cannot stop the weather from doing whatever it’s going to do. We’re ready no matter the outcome.

Perhaps we’ll take an extra nap.

Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / Personal

Saturday, January 4, 2025

January 4, 2025

Getting Back To Normal

Chances are slim that I could ever convince Kat to climb a tree like this again. Not that I question her ability, mind you. She is still a force of nature that does pretty much anything she sets her mind to doing even if she probably shouldn’t. When I asked her to climb the tree twelve years ago, she didn’t even bother taking off her sandals and was up there in no time. Now, if I were to make a similar request, I imagine her response would be more along the lines of, “Why? Are you trying to kill me?”

There are days when it seems that Kat and I are in a contest to see who can die first. The effects of her pulmonary embolism in November are long-term. Her doctor told her that it would be three to six months before she would start breathing normally again. I don’t think the doctor understood that giving Kat a warning like that is like handing her a challenge. Already, she’s overworking herself, and while she’s setting a few more boundaries, other health issues are beginning to pop up because she doesn’t feel she can afford to take the time off.

When I stepped outside with the dogs this morning, the first breath of cold air hurt everything from my nose to my lungs. The temperature is 15 degrees Fahrenheit and that’s before the windchill is factored. I don’t need to be out in that mess. Kat doesn’t need to be out in it, either, but she’s still planning on going to the salon for a few hours today. She’ll spend the night in Fishers, per usual, but it almost certainly will be snowing before she heads back home tomorrow afternoon.

Snow? We’ve not had decent snow in Indy in the past twelve years. We were sitting on about seven inches of the white stuff when Kat and I first met, and it was normal enough then that few people gave such snow totals a second thought. We’ve not seen anywhere near that amount since then, though. That’s twelve years of people not having to drive in the dangerous conditions that higher amounts of snow present. The Department of Public Works has completely changed its street plowing strategy since then. People who grew up here are claiming that they’re not worried and Kat’s response yesterday was, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

I understand the skepticism. There have been plenty of other times when the forecast called for three to four inches of snow and we ended up barely getting enough to cover the ground. I bought a new snow shovel four years ago and only once has it been used to remove the less-than-two inches of white stuff on the sidewalk. It’s not like meteorologists are exactly reliable with these forecasts.

But then, at 2:30 this morning my phone woke me with a weather alert. The National Weather Service had just issued a Winter Storm Warning for a significant chunk of the Midwest, through 4:00 PM on Monday. How large a storm are we talking about? Here’s the warning map. The pink areas are where snow totals are likely to be the highest.

Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio are in for a rough couple of days. Plenty of other areas are likely to see a mixture of snow and ice (purple-colored on the map). The storm, an ‘Alberta Clipper’ by colloquial standards, is not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when.’ Most local meteorologists put the beginning of the snow in Inday around noon on Sunday. Extrapolate from there. Kansas/Nebraska are likely to see it early tomorrow morning. Ohio won’t see it until midafternoon.

Local meteorologists, having been burned on forecasts several times over the past decade, are hedging their bets on snow totals. Here are the accumulation predictions from all four Indianapolis television stations.

As you can see, even the local teams (and they’re all teams at this point) can’t agree on the totals. Each has chosen a different model based largely on past experience rather than actual knowledge. The truth is much more difficult to nail down. Variables such as ground temperature, wind, barometric pressure, and moisture saturation levels all can change within any given ten-foot radius. Totals will vary from one neighborhood to another. Things such as building density, foliage coverage, the ratio of concrete to water to dirt, and the presence of nearby heat generators such as factories all contribute to how much show one sees in their front yard.

[Non-sequiter: there is the shadow of a bird in my window and I have four cats in here staring at it, ready to pounce. The whole scene is rather hilarious.]

What does all this mean? This is more than a bread-and-milk alert. While sunshine should return by Wednesday, temps won’t get above freezing all week, and overnight lows will be down in the single digits Wednesday-Saturday at least. That creates a situation where any area not completely cleared during the day will freeze over during the night, creating dangerous conditions for anyone attempting to get to work. The Department of Public Works is limited in its ability to fight icing. Despite near-whiteout conditions Sunday afternoon, the more dangerous driving periods could be Wednesday and Thursday mornings.

Again, long-time residents of the Midwest remember when this kind of weather was just normal for the winter months. The first year I was here (2005), it started snowing on Thanksgiving and there was still snow on the ground in late April. From that perspective, this type of weather pattern isn’t particularly shocking or unusual. The population has changed significantly in the past decade, however. The Midwest has become a popular relocation destination over the years and there is a significant part of the population that legitimately doesn’t know what to do.

Everyone likes to think they can drive on snow, but no, you can’t. There’s almost certainly ice under that snow and your four-wheel or front-wheel drive vehicle won’t help with that. Most accidents occur on residential streets which are never plowed until major roads are clear and even then have to leave a two-inch buffer to avoid raised manhole covers. This is stay-the-fuck-home-and-wait-for-it-to-pass weather. Bake cookies. Build interesting snow scenes ala ‘Calvin & Hobbes.’ Keep your pets inside unless you have a beast like Hamilton who actually thrives in the cold. Getting him to come back inside this morning was a pain in the ass.

Next to the cold temps, wind speeds are probably the biggest concern and almost impossible to predict until they’re here. High winds result in drifting snow and downed powerlines. Stocking up on heavy blankets and protein bars probably isn’t a bad idea.

Will I be out in the snow taking pictures? We’ll see. If I do, I am more likely to use my phone camera rather than the Nikon. I don’t want my lens getting messed up by street chemicals or having the shutter freeze as they sometimes do in below-freezing temps. The sad fact is that I have no business being out in the stuff, but it’s been so long since we’ve had a decent snowfall that it will be difficult to resist. I’m not making any promises in either direction.

Meanwhile, I’m surrounded by furry animals who like to cuddle, we have plenty of coffee with more than one way to brew it, and there are enough blankets for everyone. We’ll be okay. The only one who’s questionable is Kat. She’s not going to listen to anyone but herself. Good thing she’s smart.

Health / Morning Update / Mythology / Personal / Social Commentary

Friday, January 3, 2025

January 3, 2025

Today’s update is considerably shorter than yesterday’s, despite the fact I have extensive thoughts swirling around in my head. Something’s off. I feel as though my t-shirt is choking me; it’s not, but there’s an uncomfortable feeling of tightness around my lower neck. I’m having some minor difficulty breathing and I’m a bit lightheaded. Put it all together and I’m having some difficulty stringing words together.

An interesting article appears in the online edition of the New York Times (I can’t find it in the print edition, but it could be in section C) that asks the question, “Can God speak through AI?” The article is totally benign and nonsectarian, as one might expect from the Times. Rabbis, Imams, and pastors are experimenting with AI writing and sometimes delivering their sermons. There has always been some wrangling required as religion wrestles with any new technology going all the way back to the printing press. The question inevitably asked comes down to whether the voice and inspiration of a deity can flow through something other than a human hand or voice.

The question raised in my sloggy excuse for a brain is how long will it take before AI becomes the deity? After all, we’re dealing with mythologies as the source material. While current experiments use a leader’s previous material to fashion new sermons or worship experiences, we’re not that far away from AI being able to translate and interpret the original languages of Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. In fact, AI may produce the most accurate translation yet as it would likely have the ability to reflect tone and usage common to the authors. Put it all together and we may not be too far from Lifeway Press marketing a 52-part Sunday morning package to small churches who can’t really afford a pastor. From there, it’s a short step to AI taking over religion.

Think I’m crazy? Look at how the printing press ultimately participated in dividing Christianity. Catholicism reigned supreme as long as only priests had access to Bibles. Gutenberg’s invention changed that, eventually allowing for there to be a Bible in the hands of every parishioner. People started interpreting scripture for themselves and as they did, differences in those interpretations resulted in the splits and fractures we now recognize as different denominations. There are still millions of people who believe that the King James version of the Bible is the only one actually inspired by God.

Understand, when it comes to the topic of what is or is not ‘inspired’ we’re not dealing with reality. Faith is in no way moored to fact. The vast majority of believers in any religion are dependent on what is said by the leaders. Scriptures in ancient languages with references that no longer apply are practically impossible for even a reasonably educated person to decipher. Data from the Pew Research Center shows that only 38% of North American Christians have post-secondary degrees, the level at which one might begin to understand the intonation of the original texts. Among Hindus, that number is only 6%. Everyone else falls somewhere in between. The dependency on the presumed knowledge of religious leaders is the glue that holds most religions together. Begin replacing that dependency with AI and the potential for the whole thing to go off the rails becomes immense.

Once again, I’m limited in my concern. I doubt I’ll be alive with the First Church of OpenAI starts accepting new members, or requiring devotion and tithes. I do wonder if ChatGPT or something could be trained to write my morning updates. I know it could summarize the news. Could it know how I’m feeling without waking me up? If AI can speak for God then what’s stopping it from speaking for me?

Hmmmm … is there an AI model fueled by coffee?

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Long Read / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Social Commentary

Thursday, January 02, 2025

January 2, 2025

The Senselessness Of Existing

So, this is how we’re going to start the new year? Are you dead sure this is what you want: hate, fear, fury, anger, depression, helplessness, and loss? Or is it a severe bout of stupidity, ignorance, brain rot, selfishness, emotional malignancy, miseducation, and deprivation? I’m done asking ‘why’ because that question is irrelevant–it doesn’t matter. There’s no point in questioning the motives behind actions fueled by an unconscionable lack of humanity. There is no reasoning behind the disregard for life. No one wants to play this game if you’re just going to overturn the board and fling the pieces around the room.

I woke around 3:30 this morning with the sensation of pain pushing its way through my head. Sure, I’ve had a severe headache for more than two months now, but this was a new, different direction in what feels like an assault at the atomic level. Whether it’s the cancer, the diabetes, the hypertension, or some yet unnamed malady makes no difference. Pain is a permanent part of my reality and the most critical thought I have today is in choosing how I am going to respond, not because it will ease my suffering, but because I have no right to let the pain in my body infringe on the happiness of anyone else.

When I inquired of Tipper this morning as to whether she has any immediate needs, she responded with a request for winter boots, something that will keep her feet dry, size 91/2. As soon as I finish here I will place the order for those boots. Can I afford them? Probably not, but that’s my problem, not hers. Taking care of her needs, of G’s needs, is not my ‘job,’ it is the obligation of conscience that comes with being a parent. I do not exist, none of us exist, to make myself/ourselves comfortable. We exist to participate in and perpetuate the harmony of humanity. When we fail in that task, as we do now, lives outside our own become fractured. What right have we to become the destroyer of someone else’s world?

Step back and look at where we are. An aspiring nurse, a football star, a single mother, and a father of 2 were among those killed in yesterday’s New Orleans attack. Firework mortars and gas canisters were stuffed inside a Tesla that exploded outside Trump’s Las Vegas hotel. 10 people were wounded in a shooting outside a New York City nightclub. Montenegro mourns after gunman killed at least 12 people before shooting himself. All of this occurred within a single twenty-four-hour period. Willful destruction of people’s lives, something that no one has a right or obligation to commit. The shedding of tears, the cries of pain, and the agony of innocent lives lost is not only on the hands of those who pulled the triggers or detonated the bombs but on all who failed to teach compassion, understanding, cooperation, and the individual role in all of humanity.

Let’s be very clear: you do not have a need, the responsibility, or the right to ‘fix’ anyone but yourself. Making America, Canada, Mexico, China, or anywhere else ‘great’ is not accomplished by interfering with the rights of another person, especially their right to exist in the space where they are. If you want to make your country better, regardless of which one it is, you have to own the fact that you are part of the problem. What makes a country great is not a shared ideology but a full-body commitment to community, to caring, to helping, to learning, and to making the lives of others better than when you first met them. That goal is never achieved through violence, hate, fearmongering, belittling, bullying, or force of any kind. We have to give other people the space, the resources, and the support to be who they are, not who we want them to be.

I was outside with the dogs yesterday afternoon when Hamilton alerted on activity taking place several houses to our South. With Ham’s first bark, Belvedere came running at full speed. I looked to see what had them concerned. A man was screaming as he exited the house, “You just can’t let other people be happy, can you?” He repeated the question several times as he tossed his belongings in the car and left with his partner. The occupants of the house he left have a history of domestic violence. Police have been called multiple times over the years. When one person attempts to force their will on others, no matter how well-intentioned, they do damage, and create fear, loathing, and frustration for the other person.

Leaving a situation where one is being harmed is only a partial solution, though. When one leaves, they take with them the emotions heaped upon them. What are they supposed to do with that burden? Too many times it ends up being turned on someone else, someone who is not part of the problem, someone who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Early this morning, two people arrived at the emergency room of a local hospital sporting fresh gunshot wounds. They had been shot while on the Interstate. Police do not yet know if the victims knew the shooter or had any other interaction with them. Maybe they didn’t signal when changing lanes. Maybe they cut off another vehicle. Why doesn’t matter. No one had the right to shoot them, to damage their lives in ways that would be manifested for the rest of their existence.

God didn’t create hell nor does any deity send one to such a place. We create hell ourselves every time we fail to care about the lives of other people. Hell is not a threat for after one dies; hell is here, now, in the absence of compassion, understanding, and failure to hold oneself responsible for the obligations of participating in humanity. Hell is the absence of reason and the embrace of chaos. Hell is the ascension of one’s self over others. Hell is the imposition of one’s will, ideology, or religion upon people who are fully capable of thinking and acting for themselves.

Jesus doesn’t save, but you can. Humanity has existed on this planet somewhere between 50,000 and 100,000 years (depending on how one defines ‘human.’). Not once has Jesus deflected a bullet. Not once has Mohammed shielded anyone from a bomb. Not once has any deity stepped in to stop a war. If we want those things to happen, we have to do them ourselves, for each other. We are the force that makes a difference in this world. Whether that force is used for good or evil is an individual decision that we make every second of our lives. We determine who lives and who dies, who’s happy and who’s sad.

Take inventory of yourself today, pluses and minuses. Start with the list of things you’re doing well, the positives in your life, what you’re addressing to your own benefit, the things you’re learning, and the ways you’re helping others. Then, take an honest look at where you’re doing harm, whether it’s to yourself or someone else. Where are you willfully being ignorant? Where are you misplacing your trust? Who are you following that is misleading you? If that side of the list isn’t as long as the other, try again.

Frankie, the smashed-face wheezer kitty, just jumped onto my desk. He likes having his chin scratched. It takes three seconds of my time to make his life better. It might take a little longer to find Tipper some good winter boots, but the effort is worth making her life better.

If the world we live in is a bad, scary, and dangerous place, it’s because we made it that way.

Do better.

Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Politics / Social Commentary

Wednesday, January 01, 2025

January 1, 2025

The Daily Requirement of Vitamin C [2010]

Don’t look back, look forward. I know that’s not easy when every media source is doing ‘year in review’ stories all over the place, but 2024 is dead. I’m not sure it deserves a proper burial. Just toss it in a ditch and move on because the trouble it caused stays with us long after it’s gone.

We don’t need resolutions today, either. We need a re-commitment to ourselves and the people and things we love. I started this morning by cleaning around Frankie, the smashed-face wheezer kitty’s bad eye. I played peek-a-boo with Hamilton for several minutes. Bit is nuzzling my hands as I type, purring loudly. I’m on my third cup of coffee, drinking it slowly, enjoying the taste. These are some of the things that matter.

Kat sent back pictures of the little cabin she’s staying in; it’s nicely appointed with a huge picture window looking out onto the woods. Perhaps she’ll see some wild turkeys or even a deer or two. She handles the cold better than most people, so she’s planning on doing a little hiking around the cabin, enjoying the time to herself, and the quiet.

G stayed up with me until midnight. I looked in on him at one point during the evening to find him studying schoolwork. He’s not happy with his GPA, or all the gunfire in our neighborhood. Tipper ignored both of us last night but was up early talking on the phone with a friend.

Perhaps our lives aren’t as exciting as others. We’re not jetting off to some exotic location, running marathons, or attending parties. I only left the yard once during the entire month of December. We take our meds, keep our heads down, and focus on staying alive. Considering all the options, that seems to be the best approach to the new year.

There are three news stories this morning that I find concerning. The first is the tragedy of a car driving into a group of revelers in New Orleans. At least ten are dead and 30 people injured. No one has any details yet, no idea of what motivated the attack. Around the world, driving vehicles into large groups of people has become an easy form of terrorism. There’s no good way to stop it from happening. Even staying inside holds no guarantees. This is the way 2025 is starting, not from an attack by a foreign agency, but from ourselves, our neighbors.

Hidden within the many folds of today’s New York Times is a careful story about the large cache of bombs the FBI has discovered at a Virginia farm. This is the largest collection of non-military explosives the agency has uncovered in its history. Most of the explosives were fashioned as pipe bombs, some marked ‘lethal’ and others with the hashtag #nolivesmatter. With the hashtag comes a threat from what has, until now, been a mentally deficient shadow group of far-right ideologies that “historically encouraged members to engage in self-harm and animal abuse,” according to a threat assessment released in August by the New Jersey Office of Homeland Security and Preparedness. Again, these are not foreign players. They call themselves patriots, forcing us to question the motives of anyone who claims that title for themselves. The person in custody even blew off three of his own fingers while making the bombs but was undeterred in his mission. You are right to be bothered. The FBI found one, but there are many others.

Chief Justice John Roberts issued his annual report and his words are alarming. The judiciary is under attack. Threats against federal courts and justices have tripled over the last decade. As more political cases are thrust into federal courts, more people, especially politicians, are dissatisfied with the results. “It is not in the nature of judicial work to make everyone happy,” he wrote. He’s also concerned about “elected officials” who blatantly disregard court rulings. No, he didn’t mention anyone by name, but everyone knows that was a warning to the incoming administration.

Put those three stories together and you have the makings for a very rough year. In one way or another, we are all targets. Yet, there’s little we can do besides going on about our lives as if nothing’s wrong. So, tell people you love them even if it’s awkward. Be kind where you can but don’t tolerate stupidity. Perhaps consider investing in some Kevlar.

Happy New Year.

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Tuesday Morning Update: 12/31/24

December 31, 2024

Chemo pill day 766

“I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.” [2011]

Looking back through my Facebook memories, I have to go all the way back to 2011 to find a year where I felt that the coming year might be better than the last one. I have no hope at all for 2025. My checking account is negative. The social security check likely won’t hit until Thursday or Friday. There are gifts that still have not arrived and may have to be completely replaced. Kat is taking some necessary time by herself at a cabin in Brown County and won’t be back until Thursday. The Recovery Room is a mess and will take most of the day to clean. Laundry is piled high. The coffee maker decided to just dump water all over the counter this morning.

My body refuses to cooperate. We’re now two months into a non-stop headache and I still can’t see a neurologist for another 30 days. I can barely stand long enough to take the dogs out. I’ve already given the kids notice that they’ll need to fend for themselves for meals. Fortunately, the fridge and freezer are stocked. There’s a pending problem with my left eye that I can’t yet explain. My mind is unable to focus; it takes almost three hours to create these updates each day. I have books I want to read but after a couple of paragraphs, I have to put them down.

Meanwhile, the US Treasury says Chinese hackers stole documents in a ‘major incident’. Desktops within the Treasury itself were compromised. We cannot assume that any digital information is safe anywhere. One might as well assume that someone, somewhere, has access to everything from your grocery list to your dreams.

The FBI is warning sports leagues about crime organizations targeting professional athletes. Homes are being burglarized during games. Both NFL and NBA players have been affected so far. If you are in the habit of buying things from pawn shops, swap meets, or flea markets, I would suggest that you stop. Chances are too high that you’re receiving stolen merchandise.

The Taliban says they will close all national and foreign nongovernmental groups employing Afghan women, but the global attack on women’s rights doesn’t end there. In Gaza’s crowded tent camps, women wrestle with a life stripped of privacy. There are plenty of people who want to strip American women of their rights as well. You elected most of them to Congress.

Nearly all of Puerto Rico is without power on New Year’s Eve. Problems maintaining heat and power exist all over the globe. Moldovans fear looming energy shortage as Russia halts gas supplies. The move could put several European countries in danger, sparking a global economic crisis.

Xi says no one can stop China’s ‘reunification’ with Taiwan but that’s not likely to happen without war and that, too, would create an economic crisis for which neither the US nor anyone else is ready. The chances of such a war being limited to Taiwan are almost nil as Japan stays positioned to defend the South China Sea. Should Japan become involved in a war with China, the US is obligated by treaty to become involved as well.

Norovirus cases are surging in parts of the US, CDC data shows. We’re not well. I’m not sure we want to be well. If predictions from the New York Times are any indications, our diets this next year are not likely to help the matter any. We already know that the incoming president is incapable of adequately handling any kind of large-scale disease outbreak, so we’d best take care of ourselves as much as possible.

The world population will be 8.09 billion on New Year’s Day. Remember, we surpassed the limit of the planet’s sustainability at the six billion mark. Whether Republicans like it or not, we need to stop having so many babies. There’s no longer a need for you to replace yourself. AI will take up the slack in employment and, increasingly, more children will be born into a life of poverty.

New Year’s Eve is often referred to as ‘amateur night’ because of the number of people at parties who only drink one or two times a year and are unable to hold their alcohol. The problem may not be as bad this year, though, as few people say they’re going out for the night. Why should anyone go out? There’s nothing really to celebrate. Sure, we’re leaving behind a really rough year but 2025 is only going to be better for the 1%. The rest of us are going to suffer and things that are bad now will only get worse.

Is there any good news as we shed the chains of one year for the heavier chains of the next? About the only thing I could find is news that Wallace & Gromet are making a comeback. Other than that, we’re pretty much screwed.

Happy Fucking New Year.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update

Sunday Morning Update: 12/22/24

December 22, 2024

Insanity Unhinged Edition

Unhinged. Completely off my rocker. Probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public, certainly not on my own. I’m out of sync with the universe and I’m feeling pressure to scream. I won’t scream because it would take the kids. The same children who were on their phones at five o’clock in the goddamn morning. Punishment? They have to live with me, isn’t that punishment enough? I’m being silly. Or am I? Frankie is certainly silly, sitting here with a stopped-up nose, trying to clean that one spot on his butt he can’t quite reach, knocking medicine bottles off the desk, sniffing at my coffee, and then making a face accusing me of being the crazy one.

You want to know what’s really crazy? A pickup truck driver ramming into a mall in Texas. Is it a trend or was he simply drunk? We’ll never know because the cops killed him before he had a chance to tell his story. His actions injured five, but killed no one, unlike the similar event in Germany. The German monster has been nuts for a while, was known by police, killed six, and wounded over 200, but he is still alive. US cops are quick to kill people here. They know nothing’s going to happen. Few cops are ever prosecuted for murder. We just assume they stopped something worse from happening. We’re gullible like that.

You know what else is crazy? AI may have claimed its first homicide. Suchir Balaji, the former OpenAI engineer to blew the whistle on possible copyright violations in ChatGPT, was found dead in his San Francisco apartment. He was 26. At the moment, the cops are leaning toward suicide. There’s no note, though. Friends and family say suicide is out of character. What did the AI do? Were there threats being made? Was he being harassed? Did he cross the wrong bot? There’s little question that the problems Balaji raised in October were creating a significant legal hurdle for OpenAI. Who was prompting whom? I don’t think this should be treated as run-of-the-mill suicide.

And then, there’s old-school lunacy, like when the president-elect, who has no real power before January 20, says he may demand that Panama turn over the canal to the US. Mind you, Panama is a sovereign nation. The canals have belonged to Panama since December 31, 1999 thanks to a treaty signed by then-President Jimmy Carter. The treaty allows the US to “protect the neutrality” of the canal, but keep its hands off operations. The incoming president has ZERO legal grounds and even thinking that he can tell Panama to do anything is the same kind of Imperialist thinking that doomed the British Empire, back when that was a thing. Maybe he’ll ask deClerk to bring Apartheid back to South Africa next. I’m sure that would make the Musk family happy. [Fortunately, deClerk is dead. I double-checked to make sure.]

Oh, but there’s so much more crazy to behold this holiday season. Have you heard of Christmas Adam? Yes, this is something invented by illiterate evangelicals because “Adam came before Eve.” I know it sounds like a bad joke, doesn’t it? But it’s a real thing. Apparently, Christmas Adam is celebrated on the 23rd, you know, before Christmas Eve. Yeah, everyone knows that ‘Eve’ is short for evening. They’re just rolling in the ignorance of it all. Some churches are even having special services. While some are saying it’s ‘just a joke,’ not everyone is laughing. There are a large number of people who take Festivus pretty seriously and that’s supposed to be on December 23. Perhaps Festivus celebrants can mention Christmas Adam in their airing of grievances.

Do you know what is making me crazy? Knowing that I might run out of pet food before any new money comes in. Knowing that I have absolutely nothing to give Kat or any of my adult children. Knowing that I’ll spend most of Christmas day (and all the days before and after) at home, alone, again, because of chemo. Not having any of the holiday candies or cookies that permeated my childhood. Listening to what sometimes sounds like voices in the heating vents (there are no voices in the heating vents). Going on week 8 or something of this stupid headache. Not understanding why six animals, including both dogs, are suddenly staring at my window. The lack of coffee on tap. Being hungry but too dizzy to risk cooking breakfast.

I think I’m going to embrace this insanity for a while. There’s no one here to stop me. I’m just here doing stupid shit.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / Personal

Saturday Morning Update: 12/21/24

December 21, 2024

I almost dropped my coffee mug. That’s how today’s going. My left hand is so weak that I can’t lift the full mug with one hand. This is my third consecutive winter holiday season while on chemo. While the blood tests show the cancer in remission, there’s still the need to make sure it stays that way. So, for another year, I’m on the sidelines. No parties. No get-togethers. Hell, I haven’t even been able to get Kat a gift. I feel somewhat like I’m sitting inside a well-refrigerated snow globe, watching the holidays pass around me. They look like fun, but they’re not part of my reality.

The holidays are hitting differently, and by the way, for you ‘war-on-Christmas’ types, Hannukah and Christmas are on the same day this year. If you’re only saying ‘Merry Christmas,’ you’re being rude, possibly anti-Semitic. That being said, how does one gift-wrap a latke? I have potatoes, maybe I’ll give Kat food.

I’m not really in the mood to cook, though. Holiday baking is out of the question. Holiday treats take time, care, and patience. I have none of those traits at the moment. I also don’t have the ingredients. Not enough recipes come with sugar-free options and as much as I’m tempted to say, “It’s the holidays, fuck it,” my sugar levels haven’t been level so over-indulging probably isn’t the smartest move. Still, I’m really jonesing for some good, old-fashioned fudge—all the flavors. And Aunt Bill’s Brown Candy, Talk about a handbreaker! I remember helping Mother make this, it was always my favorite. The amount of work it takes, though, is enormous and if I can’t hold a coffee mug I damn sure don’t need to be messing with a cast iron skillet.

There are silver linings if one chooses to mine them. For example, there’s absolutely zero chance I’m going to be hurt or killed by a vehicle driving into a holiday bazaar. I won’t pull a hamstring while out running in a min-marathon somewhere. I’m not adversely affected by the sudden rise in egg prices. Life could be, and has been, much harder than it is.

Still, if what we’re looking for in this season is Peace on Earth, we’re not likely to find it around here. Get a load of the headlines this morning:

With headlines like that, you know there are too many tears being shed for anyone to have a ‘happy’ holiday. If you are someplace warm, you are fortunate. If you have food, you are well off. If you have clean clothes, you are privileged. If you have coffee, you are comparatively rich.

The plight of immigrants working dangerous food service jobs should probably be getting more attention than it is. We are so woefully ignorant of the millions of jobs filled by immigrants. If we begin deporting them, as the president-elect plans to do, the empty jobs will still be there. Who’s going to fill them? How much are you willing to pay for frozen pizza? People in Oregon are getting letters telling them to snitch on neighbors who ‘might’ be illegal. No, they’re not from any government organization. Snitching on immigrants is lower than cheating on a spouse, in my opinion.

Perhaps some form of holiday spirit will arrive without necessitating a visit from historical specters. I have cats aggressively reminding me that petting them lowers my blood pressure. The dogs are advocating for more naps. Can you wrap a nap? I could be a professional napper at this point. Need a nap? Don’t worry, I’ll take one for you!

Oh, with both Big Lots and Party City announcing that they’re closing, make sure you stock up on the cheap stuff if you can. I have a bad feeling about the future of ‘discount’ stores.

I think that’s enough for today. I hear there are football games running around here and there. Maybe I’ll find one.

Current Issues / Health / Holidays / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Social Commentary

Wednesday Morning Update: 12/18/24

December 18, 2024

One week from today: planned chaos. Those who aren’t preparing for chaos either live completely alone or don’t have the experience to know better. December 25 permeates all cultures, regardless of geography or religion. One is either participating in the chaos or busily affected by the chaos. No one wants to work that day but questions why everything is closed. All month we’re tolerating the endless sounds of songs extolling the virtues of love, peace, and harmony, but when the day actually arrives we get none of those. We get chaos.

Why? We don’t know how to let others be happy. A child unwraps their first-ever holiday gift and proceeds to put the wrapping paper in their mouth. We know when our children are actively tasting everything. So, why do we wrap their gifts? Who is that for? Certainly not the baby. Take the wrapping paper away and the baby cries. Hello, chaos. A teenager doesn’t want to go to the family event where their grandfather is present. “Oh, c’mon, it’s your family. You have to go!” Hello, chaos. Now a surly teen is staring at their phone and objecting when told to give their grandfather a hug, causing a scene.

Then, 5 family members are found dead at a Utah home, and a 17-year-old is hospitalized with a gunshot wound. Yeah, police are assuming the kid did it. Communication is difficult because the teen apparently tried suicide and missed. Why? He wasn’t happy… what fueled their unhappiness is rather irrelevant at this point.

I’m not leaving out the possibility that some people don’t know how to be happy, and their dissatisfaction with everything fuels chaos for everyone around them. This is what makes for tyrannical leaders. They’ll punish entire people groups in an attempt to find the happiness they can’t appreciate.

This is a strange time of year. First comes this headline: Nestle launches protein shots for US weight-loss drug users. And directly under that, is this one: US FDA warns online vendors selling unapproved weight-loss drugs.

For years, those of a certain age have laughed about the futility of that school exercise where students hid under their desks in preparation for a nuclear strike. Crazy, right? But, we like to feel safe even when we aren’t. Sales of nuclear bunkers are increasing. They’ll keep you as safe as your school desk.

One week. Humpday Holiday.

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Tuesday Morning Update:12/17/24

December 17, 2024

The first morning after is impossible. You wake up hoping it was all just a dream. The inevitable jolt of reality hits harder than it did yesterday. Denial is more difficult. The US is the most dangerous place in the world for going to school. Yes, bombs drop on people in Gaza. Schoolchildren in Ukraine have had to stop classes because of the danger. But those are areas of declared war. The enemy doesn’t know the names of the people they’re killing. Here, a boy stabs a girl to death as she walks to school. In Wisconsin, it’s an upset 15-year-old girl who kills another student and a teacher, then shoots several others before turning the gun on herself. And just like that, more families have joined the list of those waking up on what should be a school day and realizing that nothing’s ever going to be the same again.

There have been 323 shootings at K-12 schools in the country this year. Texas, Louisiana, and Maryland have the most. They range from small towns to large cities, both public schools and private. When our children leave for school each morning, we have no guarantee that they are safe. We jump when the phone rings and our heart drops when we see that it’s the school that’s calling. When you’re braced for the potential that something has happened to your child, them having a D in History class isn’t such a big deal anymore. You’re thankful that they’re still breathing.

The Associated Press released its list of ‘influential’ people who died this year. Of course, there’s always some old film star that passes during the last five days of the year, but the list is largely complete. You’re not on it and neither am I. Chances are pretty good that we never will be on one of those lists. What passes as being ‘influential’ does not mean that one is a good person. For many on that list, talent triumphed over character. There are no school shooting victims on the list. Apparently, our children are not ‘influential’ enough.

The kids are not okay. Tests show math skills are in decline. Whether you like math or not, this is important because math helps develop critical thinking skills. And while there are plenty of opinions about education, the fact remains that we’re letting the kids down in more ways than anyone can count. The curricula are insufficient. Arts programs that aid cognitive learning are non-existent. Over seven million students have Individual Education Plans (IEPs) for specific education needs. Their nutrition sucks. Each day 47 US students are diagnosed with cancer. And perhaps most insane of all, we’re actively debating the efficacy of the vaccines that have all but eliminated polio, smallpox, and many other childhood diseases. If we’re wilfully creating this environment for our kids, do we even love them at all? Do we care if they come home from school alive? Our actions and our words don’t match.

I have more years in the past than I do in the future. I probably won’t see the day when this year’s kindergarten class is running the country or the world. But then, that’s assuming that there’s still something to run. The world doesn’t need government if there are no people to govern.

The planet goes on spinning. A self-induced extinction event might help clear the air. Literally.

Tuesday coffee hits differently.

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Sunday Morning Update: 12/08/24

December 8, 2024

Listen carefully to the sounds around the world. Syria’s al-Assad has disappeared. A 50-year dynasty has been deposed. What began with “Arab Spring” ended with over 500,000 dead. Some celebrate—some mourn. Others worry. Will terrorism return? Who has control of chemical weapons? Where are the Kurds? What happens to foreign bases? Humanity excels at creating complex situations and problems that are not easily solved. For all the wars and conflicts, we remain our own worst enemy.

Step away. Ignore the world and read. Spend more time in critical thought. Let the words sink deep. Mull the choice of vocabulary. Consider the implications. Parse what can be taken at face value from that which hides deeper meaning. Expand the ways you see the world.

Step away. Arm yourself with a fresh view of history. Read the books others want banned, even if you’ve read them before. Force yourself to answer the tough questions. Open more than one text at a time so that the brain in your head does not get lazy. Push your mind into unfamiliar territory. Glean wisdom from sources you’ve never known.

Step away. Give yourself time to think. Write down your thoughts. Wrestle with the words. Scratch out that last sentence and try again. Do not type with speed. Question yourself. Argue against your opinions. Let no conclusion go untested. Check the influence of your native biases. Give no ground to the mythologies of your youth.

Refill the coffee mug. The dogs that woke early now rest comfortably on the bed. Thoughts bombard my head, each fighting to be heard. What does it matter that the Eras tour has ended? What are the consequences of old shoes selling for $28 million? Fools part with money even as their own cupboards grow bare. The songs that linger now are those sung long ago. Cherished memories leave no souvenirs.

Age colours my vision. Depth of field is set by my experience. I wander. Is that the ticking of the clock or the sound of my boots as I pace the hallway? How many circles can I make before my legs collapse? I would dance but the music changes too quickly.

No one is well. We struggle to breathe. Moving brings us pain. Eating makes us ill. Medicine numbs us to the cancer that eats at our bodies. We sympathize. We empathize. Yet, we cannot help ourselves let alone give aid to others. We need… so much.

Spin around one last time. Step away.

Hold me. Close.

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Friday Morning Update: 12/06/24

December 6, 2024

Who deserves forgiveness? Who deserves protection? Why is Leonard Peltier still not on the list of those who may be pardoned? Your screams have been heard. Changes were made. Yet, are you any safer than you were at this time yesterday? What is the true benefit of being angry? If anger is the only thing that motivates us, do we genuinely care about the status of life or only the things that threaten us directly? If our motivations are not pure, then our actions are immoral. Still, we continue.

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Vic saw the doctor yesterday and the patch was removed from his eye, leaving a shiner that might give some the impression that his long-suffering wife, Martha, clocked him. I told him it reminded me of the old Tareyton cigarette slogan: “I’d rather fight than switch.” You’ll need to be really old to understand why that’s funny. He’s still face-down until Sunday morning, too uncomfortable to sleep.

Oceans rise. Empires fall. Women struggle through it all. Children die—anger flares. Fear of chaos is everywhere. Do we care? I’m not sure we have the capacity. Who is not overwhelmed when considering the ills the world faces? There are limits in our willingness to fight for someone else’s life. Our own troubles are more than enough.

My bills exceed my income. To whom do I complain? I struggle with the morality of whether to ask for help. That doesn’t stop me from typing, Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter, CashApp: $ciletbetter. G brought me a form this morning to help with Xmas presents for the kids. They’ll be the boxes under the tree we don’t have. Cats and indoor trees don’t mix well. The dogs would be confused.

Perhaps, sometimes, it is better to do without. Are we eating too much chicken? Are we eating too much of everything? We are still the most obese nation in the world. We have difficulty saying ‘no’ to the grumble in our stomachs. A re-evaluation of what we spend on groceries may be appropriate.

As thousands travel to Indy this weekend, our patience will almost certainly be tested. Roads closed. Dining places are full. In return, money is spent, jobs are created. Is the tradeoff worth the trouble? Ask the one whose job depends on the crowd.

My head hurts. My eyes blur. There’s garbage to take out. I need more coffee.

I still love you. I still care.

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Thursday Morning Update: 12/05/24

December 5, 2024

Wind does not whistle past my window; it trumpets, screams, and roars. Feral cats scurry for cover. Random debris blows across the yard. Each gust feels like ice. One coat is not enough. Sending children off to school in such cold feels like cruelty. ‘When I was a kid’ does not apply here. This is different weather. This is a new existence. Check in at the nearest heating vent, pull a blanket over your head, and sleep.

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Vic’s surgery was “difficult but successful.” He is back home but doesn’t seem to be able to relax. The face-down position he’s supposed to maintain is not comfortable. He has to be that way until at least Saturday. He sees the doctor again today. His situation reminds us of our father’s struggles.

You say you want a Revolution
Well, you know
We all wanna change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all wanna change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We are doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You'd better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow

Is this 1968 all over again? We dismissed Lennon’s words the first time around. Revolution never came. The Constitution never changed. No one had a real solution. I hear the voices screaming in anger, but anger alone makes nothing better. Assassinating a CEO does not give anyone better healthcare. Shooting at helpless children does not remove the stain of religion. Committing acts of genocide does not justify one’s position.

Screaming about how bad things are going to be does nothing to stop ‘things’ from being bad. We all want to see a plan. Others have a plan. Where is ours? Who is going to lead? Who is going to stand at the front of the line and announce the charge? Be sure, the enemy has a plan; they’ve shown it to us. Over half of us voted for their plan. This is their revolution.

Even the best and most elaborate plans fail. People still die of hunger. Young men are still asked to give their lives. The least of us still struggle to survive. If you say you want justice, you must first show mercy. If you say you want peace, you must first show compassion. One does not merely speak change into being. One must act. Two must act. Together, we must all act. A movement of music might lead everyone to sing, but what motivates us to march?

Milking the cow is messy. The price of coffee continues to rise. Who decides if we should die?

A beautiful building does not make the mythology real. A paper report does not return lives lost to injustice.

Words are merely interruptions in the quiet of nature. What have you accomplished in sharing your memes? Whose life is improved when you express your outrage? We are not prepared to change anything if we are not comfortable with the sacrifices required. Would the Franks be welcome in your home? Would you destroy the infrastructure of the oligarchy if it meant no streaming service?

Do not give me more words. The noise in my head is already too great a burden to bear. Show me your action, your compassion, and your mercy.

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Wednesday Morning Update: 12/04/24

December 4, 2024

Sweaters Keep Us Warm [2014 original with AI background]

Today is a good day to find your emotionally safe place and stay there. Much of the news one is likely to encounter may be negative, and even frightening. Not everything directly affects you, but what does can cause us to feel threatened or frightened for those we love. What we see is that the entire world is in tumult right now. Even those who had considered fleeing trouble at home are now pondering the ramifications of returning. Is there anyone whose life is stable? Can one quell this rising angst?

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Today is an important surgery day for my younger brother, Victor. He has a Full Thickness Muscular Hole in his right eye. The surgery won’t “fix” the problem but will hopefully keep it from getting any worse. Post-op requires remaining face-down for some period of time. Appropriate furniture for facilitating this need arrived last week. His long-suffering wife, Martha, will do her best to care for him, but this will not be an easy moment for either of them. Vision lost may never return. Our hopes are for a successful and uneventful surgery.

Life comes with threats and risks; some we control while others control us. Even something seemingly as inconsequential as walking around barefoot may cause us trouble. I would remind you that you have already overcome many obstacles that seemed insurmountable at the moment they were encountered. Learning to roll over in your crib was monumental, as was learning to crawl and then walk. Slowly, you learned to speak, to communicate, and then to use your words as a defense against things you did not like. You went to school and survived maneuvering social situations whose etiquette and instruction only seemed to come after having already done something wrong. You studied subjects that seemed to make no sense. You passed tests that threatened to defeat you. Life is partially defined by the things that threaten us the most. Yet, here you are, still breathing, still fighting, and still doing your best.

Remember, this is December. Of all the arguments made for and against this or that, few decisions will be voiced. Resist the urge to borrow trouble from the future, for that trouble may well decide to withdraw itself from consideration. Being ready to defend does not require keeping one’s finger on the trigger. Those who are wise know to rest, to eat well, and to enjoy time with the things you love. Save the fight for when it is needed for those who tilt too often at windmills are not ready when the real enemy is revealed.

May you find comfort to ease your pain. May you have coffee to keep you warm. May your day be filled with the embrace of those who love you.

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Monday Morning Update: 11/25/24

November 25, 2024

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words… Words will cause fear, incite panic, fuel anger, spread divisiveness, and create a breeding ground for disease that consumes one’s own body. Guns may cause some to freeze, others to seek shelter, but words… Words cause us to hide inside ourselves where no one can find us. Words cause us to retreat from life, pull away from friends and family, take remote jobs, and turn off all external communications. Words cause us to become stranded within ourselves at the very time the world needs us the most.

Over the weekend, I passed the second anniversary of filling my body with this radioactive poison called chemotherapy. Three months and fifteen days of this “treatment” remain. Every morning, I have taken these four monstrous pills. Every day, they seek to save my life by ruining it. I am a recluse within my recovery.

The warning on the bottle requires gloves to be worn. The poison can be spread. I remain for all intents and purposes, radioactive. With time, my body has adapted to this condition. So now, as we contemplate a life without poison, we wonder how my body will respond. Will I return to my previous activities or will my body long for a return of the poison? So many people chose the poison this month.

With no children going to school this week, there was no reason for anyone to set an alarm. Pets, accustomed to a specific schedule, do not understand the concept of ‘sleeping in.’ I woke to find dog shit in front of my door, a clear message that I had failed to meet their most basic needs in a timely manner. A chorus arose from the cats demanding to be fed and given fresh water. Their communication skills are considered primitive by some, but yet, do they not ensure that they get what they want? I fold my arms in front of me and Solaris immediately fills them with his presence, quite sure that my intention was to stop typing and hold him. Hamilton also requests to join the cuddle, but his size exceeds my lap space.

The beginning of the holiday season beckons millions to leave their homes and spend time with loved ones. Perils await. Not all airports are welcoming. A denial of service on the part of some may result in the loss of service to others. Inhospitable weather still looms large for much of the nation. Getting where one wants to go may be easier than leaving. More than emotions may cause one to stay. Cheaters are not welcome, though there are always those who try. Travel makes us weary, uncooperative, and stubborn. Making sure one packs plenty of grace in their carry-on eases the pain.

While some plan for great revelry, there are many others who struggle with how to buy groceries for less than $100, and others who sit alone, unknown, thankful for a bowl of instant soup. Not everyone is welcome at the table. Not everyone who has a seat deserves it. Many seats are empty this year. Many chairs are filled with new faces. Food may not feel welcome for the one who has never seen such outlandish displays. Compassion is the appetizer to giving thanks.

Still, there are words that pursue us. We don’t need to hear the consonants to feel their sting. We know they exist on the lips of those who deny our humanity, who have labeled us ‘sinners,’ and dare to pray for our souls while selling their own. They hope that we’ll feel small, that we’ll hide away in some corner, or perhaps leave and pretend we are not all one people, one bond, one personhood.

“Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart,” is the response I choose to combat hatred this season. Words needn’t be combative. What comes out of your mouth is as important as what goes into your ears. We needn’t apologize for being, but neither should we be so quick to point out the inhumanity of others. Leave the faults of others to eat away at their own souls. Pass the rolls with fervor for bread does well at filling the mouths of those who should not speak. Justice is a desert that fills everyone’s plate equally.

Words dance merrily through my head wearing spiked high heels so that I feel every stomp of their jig. I fear the day that the words stop, that I no longer hear nor speak, that my eyes cease to see the pictures, for that is the day I can no longer tell you that I love you.

Or that I need more coffee.

This Sunday is Charles’ birthday. Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter CashApp: $ciletbetter

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Saturday Morning Update: 11/23/24

November 23, 2024

Where do we go from here? One of the struggles we all face is that we don’t always get to determine what happens next. We are more frequently pushed across thresholds than we are carried across joyfully. Even when an invitation seems like a good idea at the time, once we’re involved we discover that we’re trapped, unable to go back. Neither do we all share identical experiences through the same time portal. One shuts down an office while another prepares for new life. We may look through the same window yet see different pictures. Is what happens to us next a good thing or will another 350,831 of us die?

Who am I to judge the guilt or innocence of another? Someone must, for there can be no justice without judgment. Am I impartial enough to hold another’s fate in my hands? We may never know, for once again, my service has been declined. What I do know is that justice, no matter how measured, is a highly opinionated beast. Are courts best suited to determine when one begins thinking and acting like an adult? Are schools best suited for religious indoctrination? A country run by criminals has little care for justice.

I look across the bed at the dogs sprawled out, sleeping; they are warm and well-fed. They are not aware of changes until they happen. A differently flavored treat is still a treat. Water outside apparently tastes the same as water inside. They are not bothered by incongruities or worried by idle threats. They do not care what I might cook next week nor how many presents I give next month. Neither do they look at my dwindling account balance and worry whether they’ll be fed. Their food has already been purchased. The dogs sleep blissfully unaware of my angst.

We have transitioned into being a country that champions criminals more than heroes. Perhaps that explains the election outcome. Our desire to see an underdog win outstrips our need for justice. We care less for the number of bodies left in their wake when we have already convinced ourselves that, on one level or another, they deserved to die. Knowing that the wizard has no real power does not keep him from being revered in Oz.

Stubbornly, I dig in my heels. There are thresholds I do not want to cross. Yet, how can I hold your hand if we do not step together? I cannot help those in danger if I’m left standing behind a closed door. I walk into the future not because I care for my own but because I care for those around me. The adventures we face are different than those behind us, but together, we both survive.

I have met my minimum word count. There’s coffee on the other side of the door. This threshold I walk through without hesitation.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Health / Morning Update / News & Comment / Personal / Social Commentary / Status

Friday Morning Update: 11/22/24

November 22, 2024

Rain washes away the snow, leaving only a hint of the momentary wonderland that existed across the yard. An old song suggests, “Forget your troubles, come on, get happy; You better chase all your cares away.” But there is no rain that washes away the pain of cancer or removes the struggle to breathe. No river removes the stain of poor decisions. We struggle to find words, any words, that might communicate the density of the cloud over our mind. None of the pictures I’ve ever taken portray such chaos as that which consumes my being. Temptation urges me to give up, go to bed, and sleep until the world is better, but the world only declines the invitation to improve.

Drama capped Tipper’s trip to Purdue. The bus driver was ready to leave at one time, the guides were expecting to leave later, and their final departure was too late to return to school on time. Waiting parents were upset. Students were frustrated by the apparent incompetency of adults. Who will tell them that too many of the issues they face in high school continue to plague them into adulthood? Is this all they will remember of the trip? No one was left behind. No child was endangered. Everyone returned home. The lesson is to acknowledge the mistakes and move forward.

Trouble makes for an interesting conversation. Anger pushes passion into our speech. We use our words to make trivial issues matter. In the blizzard of emotion, we lose sight of reality. I am not dying today. Control over tomorrow is still mine. Whatever complicates my life is but a nuisance to my existence. Politicians make imaginary threats to pique my fears, but can I choose not to be afraid?

Words fall empty when there is no genuine power behind them. I fuel my own life, such as it may be. Attempts to diminish my existence are folly. The feet in my boots are still mine; I control my path and the steps I take. If I need assistance I request it, but the denial of that request does not keep me from moving forward. When I cannot walk, I will crawl. The day I can no longer crawl, I will employ a mobility device. Frequent naps do not hinder my progress. I choose to move forward, and the world will adjust accordingly.

Warrants may be issued. Threats can be made. Weapons might be aimed. Still, when darkness falls at the end of the day, do we not ask ourselves what has changed? I might question whether I could make a difference, but when I cannot, I accept no blame for the outcome. I am not required to follow a leader I did not choose and do not trust. My loyalty lies not with those who do not know my name, but with those I love, those whose care and existence matter to my sense of humanity. I can protect what matters without ceding an ounce of power to any despot.

Sixty-one years ago, a president was assassinated. Who shot who matters little. The consequences of those actions cannot be changed. Lives taken, no matter where, are not returned. We cannot change what someone else chooses to do after the act is done. A moment that has passed immediately becomes part of a history from which we are obligated to learn. We must answer the questions of how we might stop the bombs from falling and the bullets from being fired. Yet, we cannot change the conscience of those whose minds are committed to evil.

Our choice is to follow paths that magnify our own power. M.I.T. offers free tuition to help a new generation stand on their feet. In California, a 17-year-old woman became the youngest person to pass that state’s bar exam. US overdose deaths have dropped, even though no one is exactly sure why. Better paths exist, though perhaps not lit by neon signs. We choose to find those paths. We choose to make our world better.

The fogginess that clouds my mind and leaves me staring at this page does not prevent me from refilling my coffee cup, giving belly rubs to a dog, or cuddling a cat. My bank account may be empty, but there is enough food to feed the family. Each step may be taken with trepidation, yet do I not still walk? I will eat the food that I prepare. I will take the medicines and endure the poison. My day will continue. Naps shall be my fortress of solitude.

Forward is the path I choose.

Venmo: @C_I_Letbetter Cash App: $ciletbetter

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