Morning Update: 03/18/24

Morning Update: 03/18/24

March 18, 2024

One could almost see the temperature falling yesterday. From 56 degrees when I woke up yesterday, to 32 when I went to bed last night, to 28 so far this morning, the chill has hit everyone’s bones to varying effects. When it gets cold all of a sudden, the dogs want to snuggle as close together as possible. They’ll have their bodies right up against mine to the point I almost don’t need any kind of cover. The cats, on the other hand, alternate between being curled up in a puddle and racing around the house making as much noise as possible. Unfortunately, they tend to choose the middle of the night to make the most noise.

There was one amusing moment yesterday when a poor little red squirrel happened to be in our tree when the dogs went out. The squirrel didn’t have a home in our tree. He didn’t want to stay there. He kept trying to come back down the trunk. But once the dogs saw him, Belvedere took point and Hamilton tried his best to climb the tree. The poor squirrel was stuck until I finally convinced the dogs to come back inside. I am constantly amazed at how the dogs’ hunting instincts come to the fore when faced with other animals. Domestication only goes so far.

I wanted to do a fair bit of writing yesterday but that was not to be. I got the first couple of pages done but then my brain gave out and I couldn’t get any serious cognition to return. I’m not sure I’ll have what it takes to get much done today, either. I woke up with my neck hurting and no small amount of nausea. I have meds for the nausea but the neck pain has to work itself out. Between that and the cold weather, keeping me out of bed doesn’t seem likely.

G is on spring break for the next two weeks. This could get interesting because when G gets bored he gets creative. A little bit of OCD kicks in and he starts cleaning and rearranging stuff. Fortunately, he has a talent for organizing things and does a great job of making things fit where you didn’t think they could go. So, what will he do in the next two weeks? I’m thinking that re-working the living room might be a prime target. Of course, there’s not much I can do but get in the way. I’ll retreat to the recovery room and let him do his thing.

Tipper grows all the more excited about Comic Con this weekend. Kat’s given her early birthday presents so that she has furry paws and furry feet to go with her costume. I’m still feeling a little nervous about the whole thing and am not above scoping out nearby coffee shops where I can hang out, “just in case.” While it’s easy to think of her as mature when it comes to her art and creativity, she’s still just a soon-to-be 14-year-old and I have an inherent distrust of people in any kind of crowd.

I’m not encouraged by the fact that the number of shootings went up across the nation this weekend. Eight were shot in DC, six in Jacksonville Beach, FL, and another seven here in Indy. This is a significant part of what fuels my distrust of crowds. Sure, most people are there having a good time but all it takes is one overly emotional idiot who gets their feelings hurt, and the next thing you know bodies are lying on the ground. One person who thinks that another has insulted them or done them wrong can inflict a large amount of damage in a short time in crowded atmospheres and they don’t care that the people being hurt are innocent. Making it worse, there seems to be no way to stop these types of events because everyone has a right to carry a gun and will do their best to find a way of doing so. I want Tipper and her friends to go and have fun, but it’s impossible to not worry.

I’m going to try to find a way to remove that big subscribe box that pops up as you scroll down the page. I know it’s a pain if you’re trying to read on your phone. Still, I would be so very pleased if you would subscribe. This helps me know that you’re at least aware of new posts without having to say anything on social media. Thank you.

Cancer Update / Holidays / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 03/17/24

March 17, 2024

Here it is St. Patrick’s Day and for the second year in a row, there’s no Guinness in the house. No Jameson, either. Not every holiday comes with drink requirements, but this one does and it feels wrong to not be able to partake. Not even a shot. This is just another one of the things that goes with being on chemo. I’ve mentioned it before, I know. If we were having corned beef for lunch today, that might help, but we’re not. Corned beef costs far too much for our budget, especially when considering how much of it we have to cook to keep the kids pleased. Five pounds is barely enough for the kids.

When cancer treatment starts, it’s easy to think, “I got this. We’ll make it through. No problem.” The longer treatment continues, though, and the side effects get worse, not better, and you miss being around your friends, and you begin to feel the weight of the treatment as an emotional burden, the more difficult it is to hold onto any kind of hope. I keep telling myself, “Maybe next year.” Maybe. Who knows what might happen over the next 365 days? There are no promises that the backside of treatment won’t leave me with lingering side effects. There are no promises that as one treatment ends another becomes necessary.

This is where the depression kicks in. Every day, there is something that you’re missing, something you want to do and can’t. Dance a jig? I never have been a dancer, but trying such a thing now would land me on my butt. Go to a burlesque show? Sorry, I can’t stay out that late. Bingo night with the other old folks? I don’t dare. They might be contagious.

At least I have coffee. The day they take that away from me, I’ll have no choice but to die.

The problem of archived digital photographs is coming to bear in a painful way. The above photo was taken with a five-megapixel Canon 5D. In 2005, it was the best in its class for digital SLRs. One of the promises of digital photography was supposed to be that we could return to them at any time and re-process them without damaging the negative. That’s proving not necessarily to be the case.

JPEG artifacts are the problem. Or maybe it is software that doesn’t accommodate how formats were written to disc 20 years ago. Whatever the issue may be, I’m finding that trying to fix the color in old images, which is a frequent necessity, is difficult. This morning, it’s the red channel that won’t cooperate. There are places where original settings can’t be changed or improved. The data can’t be overwritten.

Part of the problem may be that I no longer have the original RAW file. In theory, I shouldn’t have as many color issues working from the original. However, this photo was processed from an uncompressed TIFF file which should contain all the same digital information as the RAW file. This has me concerned that our digital files may not have the archival longevity that we had hoped.

I need some things from the store but no one currently in the house can drive, there’s not a car available if they could, and delivery isn’t an option. Maybe this time next year.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / News & Comment / Social Commentary

Morning Update: 03/16/24

March 16, 2024

Everyone slept. Both kids came in from school, went straight to bed, and didn’t wake up until late. No one had dinner. No one did chores. They just slept. I’m not complaining. I had a 16+ hour sleeping day myself. I can’t explain why yesterday was more tiresome than others, but we were all caught by the plague and I’m not hearing anyone complain about it this morning. Will that translate to increased activity today? That’s doubtful, but we’ll see. Tipper is motivated to finish up her costume for ComicCon next weekend, so that may keep her awake for a while. G, though, is still dragging a bit this morning.

I’m still kinda bummed that we don’t have corned beef to cook for tomorrow. The prices are too high. We can’t get a small amount, either. The kids plow through a three-pound slab without raising their heads. Meat, in general, has gotten too expensive for modest budgets. We have plenty of beans if I remember to put them on to soak the night before, but again, there’s that problem of falling asleep and not waking up in time.

One of my former babysitters (understand, she babysat me and my brother) posted last night that she was making cinnamon rolls from scratch and I swear I can smell them coming out of the oven. Of course, 500 miles is too great a distance to even think about having her send me a pan. Plenty of bakeries make cinnamon rolls, but there’s nothing like the texture, flavor, and smell of those fresh out of someone’s home oven. Do I need them? No, of course not. They sure would make me feel good while I was eating them, though.

Food is a critical element for anyone, but the combination of chemo and diabetes makes it a critical matter. Not eating isn’t an option and could potentially have deadly results. Eating comfort food, like cinnamon rolls, doesn’t help my sugar intake. I have to eat something when taking the chemo, but if it’s too heavy I get indigestion. In fact, eating too much blocks the effects of the chemo, so that’s not a helpful path. Trying to keep everything in balance is a daily challenge. We know lean meats and veggies are best, but for breakfast? Who wants green beans for breakfast?

The State of Indiana is getting its Happy Hour back. 40 years ago, the state banned the practice of Happy Hour at bars and restaurants out of concern that it encouraged people to over-consume alcohol within a short period of time, leading to more drunk driving. As of July 1, it’s back. The state legislature passed the bill earlier this year and Gov. Holcomb signed it yesterday at one of the city’s oldest bars.

Here’s the catch: Happy Hour cannot extend beyond 9:00 PM. That sets the stage for a number of hypothetical situations. One would be that people might be encouraged to get their drunk on earlier, releasing them into the wild during rush hour. Another might be that bars that offer Happy Hour could see a significant downturn in business after 9:00 PM. A third possibility is that it could bring back the after-hours office drinking that was once a regular part of any business.

Are those concerns still applicable, though? With so much work being done remotely, there aren’t as many people in offices who want to get together after work. They have children and pets to get home to. They have errands to try and run. And younger employees simply aren’t interested.

Bars and restaurants are still not the late-night draw that they were before COVID. Kat came out of a performance venue last night to nearly empty streets in one of the most fashionable areas of town. Bars struggle to pull people in late because young people especially are interested in things other than drinking until they puke. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a party here or there, but ask almost any bar owner and they’ll tell you that they’re struggling to attract and keep people very late, especially during the week.

As for the drunk driving concerns, rates of drunk driving fatalities have been steadily on the downturn since 1985. Sure, even one death is devastating, but once again, that 21-35-year-old demographic that was previously responsible for so many tragedies is more responsible for their drinking than their parents’ generation.

The proof is in the pudding and it seems natural that there could be an uptick in public drunkenness and drunk driving during the latter part of the summer. But overall, I don’t think there’s much danger of returning to the levels that existed all the way back when I was in college. We were the generation that defined rowdy drunken parties. I’m hopeful our children learned to not make the same mistakes.

Don’t forget to subscribe and/or leave a comment! There are a lot of good things coming!

Cancer Update / Personal / science

Anything For Less Pain

March 15, 2024

Jungle Life [2009, original photo with AI background]

What you are about to read is not a paid endorsement; it’s not even a requested endorsement. I’ve not talked to anyone at the company at all. I simply want to share my experience because finally, something worked. After all the tests and the doctor’s visits, I haphazardly came across something that helped one of my biggest complaints. Were the experience not personal and dramatic I would have looked upon this as pseudo-science. Please keep that in mind as you read.

One of the biggest issues I’ve had over the past three years is neuropathy in my left leg, hip, and even up into my arm. The pain was present before the Leukemia diagnosis but became significantly more pronounced once I started chemo. Life was neither comfortable nor pleasant.

The doctors, especially the neurologist, tried to find out the cause and came up with nothing. They felt it had to be a neurological problem but all the tests kept coming back negative or irrelevant. At my last neurologist appointment in December, I was told the pain was something I’d have to live with for now. The chemo prevented any more invasive tests. They prescribed. 600 mg Gabapentin three times a day and you can be sure I didn’t miss a dose. I’d been on chemo for a year by this point and was settled into the idea that life was going to be miserable.

In January I made my annual trip to the Home Show, not because we’re planning any projects or anything, but because it’s fun seeing what new-fangled gadgets and approaches there are to making homes better. This is just one of the things I like to do.

As I was making my way through the massive number of displays, I came across a gentleman alone in a bare-bones booth who didn’t seem to be having the best day. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well or was running late, or some other problem. He didn’t have much of a display set up but he did have a chair and by this point, I’d been walking enough that I needed to sit for a minute.

I said hello and he responded kindly. He noticed my cane and asked what problems I had walking. I explained my situation and he invited me to sit down in his chair, exactly what I wanted. He began telling me about the product he was selling: a shoe insole that used a new technology to address leg and back pain. He mentioned that it felt like walking on bubbles (it does) and that it is surprisingly effective in reducing pain.

I considered the fact that the insoles currently in my boots had been there for over a year and decided to give it a try. When he saw that my current insoles were arch supports, though, he suggested I put them back in because what he was going to sell me didn’t have the arch support. He put the first one on top of the arch support and I tried it out. The feeling was definitely different and at first, I was a little concerned that the bubbly feeling might cause some balance issues. I decided “What the heck, might as well give it a shot” and buy a pair. It seemed unlikely that the insoles would do any worse than anything else we’d tried.

Three weeks or so passed before I realized that I was taking less Gabapentin. The pain was dramatically increased. While I still have balance issues (another problem altogether), I wasn’t experiencing the never-ending pain that kept me from ever being comfortable. Two months in, and it’s now rare that I have to take the pain meds. Success!

The company name is Happy Feet. They’re out of Florida and no, I haven’t checked their political position (something I consider secondary to actual results). They have different insoles that focus on different particular problems, so it might be worth talking to them before making a purchase. Mine are pretty standard: shock absorbers for normal activity, stand, walk, and work.

Please note that they are not a cure-all. Arthritis has been kicking in with the recent storms. Yesterday afternoon, my bones were in extreme pain. Since I wasn’t getting out of bed, no insole was going to help. They also haven’t had any effect on the neuropathy that has annoyed my left foot for eleven years. Still no clue from anyone as to what’s going on there.

What I like is that this solution is non-invasive, doesn’t put any additional drugs into my body, and doesn’t require being refilled every month. The downside is that since it’s an over-the-counter product insurance won’t pay for it. The price at the home show was a reasonable $30, but online it’s closer to $50 plus shipping. Worth it? In my opinion, yes, but the price makes it a challenge for anyone on a fixed income.

There you go, my product endorsement. It worked wonders for me. It may not work at all for someone else. No guarantees from me.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 03/15/24

March 15, 2024

We survived the storms. Marion County never was in that much danger, but all the surrounding counties were. The alarms went off because of protocol, but there was no rotation anywhere over the city. We’re safe. I walked the yard with the dogs this morning and there is no noticeable damage. The cold breeze from the North is less than welcome, but we are thankfully better off than many of the areas around us. We are grateful.

Good news came from someone within the Social Security system. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s disability or Social Security proper. I know it’s not SSI because the letter specifically says that is still in process. Still, it means a month from now we should finally start getting some financial assistance. I still need to re-apply for Medicaid apparently. I thought that was being handled during the phone interview two weeks ago, but that assumption now seems to be wrong. If I can get all my ducks to at least acknowledge one another then perhaps we can find a solution so that Kat isn’t stressed from worrying about me all the time.

The dogs did not take well to yesterday’s storms, especially those early afternoon. Not only were they cuddled up in bed with me, they were both doing their best to lie on top of me. Their weight combined with arthritis pain made enduring that portion of the storm excruciating. They rarely get that anxious about anything so I was surprised by their behavior.

As I was perusing social media this morning, I noticed a post from a friend who is also dealing with chemo. She lamented how she has no one to talk with, no one to lean on and provide any level of emotional support. I’m not sure people understand that chemo and its effects are not a short-term thing. We don’t just go for a few weeks until everything is okay. Oral chemo is a multi-year treatment. Every day is a chemo day. How we feel can turn on a dime. What we’re physically capable of doing can change in an instant. We need people who will take time to help, to listen, and to be there while our bodies are being decimated in an effort to rid ourselves of this disease. Can you be one of those people?

There are so many parts of the world I fail to understand at the moment. On one hand, a woman running for NC state school superintendent is allowed to call for the public execution of people whose views she doesn’t like. Meanwhile, Ayro, the parent company of Pornhub, had to completely block access to the site in the state of Texas because of a new law requiring proof of age. I thought that technology already existed, but apparently not sufficiently to satisfy the Texas law. All of this while the Senate now debates whether to ban social media platform TikTok from the US because of fear its Chinese owners are using it to spy.

When Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote The Scarlet Letter in 1850, he skewered the puritanical laws and attitudes that assaulted free speech and highlighted the hypocritical actions of those in authority, particularly the clergy. One would think that a society moving forward from that point would learn the lessons of the fictional book, see the dangers of their ways, and make some changes. Obviously, not only have we not learned, but we’ve doubled down on the nonsense of trying to regulate personal morality. We’re still frightened by the sight of a woman’s breast but not a man’s. Media routinely slut shames women whose attire is deemed inappropriate. And heaven forbid anyone have more than one sex partner. If anything, our society is worse about enforcing an unreasonable moral code now than it was 200 years ago!

We have to stand up not only for free speech rights but for freedom of personhood. I am the only one who has any right to decide what course of action is best for me and I don’t have the right to force anyone else to agree with my moral choices. What I have the right to do, however, is insist that you keep your lousy, hypocritical, religiously-based nonsense out of my life. You don’t get to limit my choices. You can take your made-up pseudo-psychology claptrap and shove it up your ass. The world doesn’t need anyone enforcing a moral code. If you need religion, or laws, to make you a good person, then chances are pretty damn high that you are not a good person.

My stats tell me we need a lot more people to subscribe and it wouldn’t hurt if you shared posts that you find informative or helpful. Since we’re not wasting time on social media anymore, getting anyone’s attention is a lot more difficult. We appreciate your help. Thank you.

Cancer Update / Current Issues / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 03/13/24

March 13, 2024

Time To Relax [2010] (AI background on original photo)

Taking a look at family things first: G has his PSAT test today. He’s anxious to get it over. I’m anxious for him. Standardized tests are a bitch. I took the ACT 1,000 years ago, not the SAT and both have changed a lot since then. I don’t feel qualified to offer any help. I told him “Good luck” as he left this morning. His only reply was, “Ugh. I wish.”

Tipper’s in here showing me furry paws she wants for ComiCon. The kids are out of school that Friday and she’s over-the-moon excited about the three-day event. She’s been saving her money and making different costume-related items for weeks. She has the $ and the paws are cute, complete with little toe beans. I don’t understand the culture. I don’t need to. It makes her happy and she’s not hurting anyone. I’m going to support her all I can.

The best part of the day for me yesterday was that it was warm enough to sit outside and take in some sun. I’m low on vitamin D anyway, so it helps to be out in that regard. The dogs also like the extra time being outside and frightening people walking by. What tickles me is that people see Hamilton (black lab/pit mix) and think he’s the dangerous one. Nope. Toss Ham a hard roll and he’ll bury the thing until it softens up. Belvedere (English hound) is the one with the jaw strength. Sure, he looks cute, but toss him a hard roll and it’s crunch right into the thing and it’s gone in seconds.

Among the things to do yesterday was complete a health survey the insurance company sent because “we’ve not been able to reach you by phone.” Do you want to know why you can’t reach me by phone? Because when you call, nothing is identifying the call as coming from you. I don’t pick up for numbers I don’t know. I need to see something that tells me you’re not a telemarketer or someone else looking to waste my time. This is especially important if you call while I’m napping. I take a brief look at the number and if there’s not a name I recognize on there, I’m going back to sleep.

While most of the questions were about health history, as one might expect, the one that always makes me giggle is, “Are you safe at home?” I understand this question coming from my doctor, but what is the insurance company going to do about it if I’m not safe? Are they going to help find me a safer place to live? Is there an Old Person Protective Agency they can call for assistance? Or are they going to call the police to come over and shoot me?

You’re an insurance agency. I find your attempts at empathy and caring disingenuous. We both know that your primary purpose is to avoid paying for healthcare so that you can keep more of the premiums. There’s no sense in pretending otherwise. If you really cared, the copay to see my oncologist and other specialist wouldn’t be $35 per visit. I had to cancel an appointment this week because it’s a two-visit ordeal and I don’t have $70 for the copay. Don’t pretend to care when you’re still making sure I can’t afford healthcare.

HAPPY SLEEP AWARENESS WEEK!

Did you know that this is Sleep Awareness Week? I didn’t either until an app on my watch told my phone to remind me. [Yes, that’s how I get my critical information now.] I found it interesting that I got the notice on a day after I’d slept 11.3 hours straight, with another three hours added on in the afternoon. I’m still averaging between 13 and 16 hours of sleep per day. Some days those sleep periods are broken up, other days they’re more contiguous. The chemo gives me little choice in the scheduling.

I don’t think I know any intelligent adult who would deny the fact that sleep is important. It’s not only important that we get regular amounts of sleep, but that we have a sleep schedule that is steady and reliable. We understand the importance of having a comfortable place to sleep that supports our back and neck. There’s no problem with the basics.

However, there are a number of myths that linger around sleep and those are what do the most damage. We believe these tales that have been handed down over the generations and we find them difficult to give up. Here are a few examples.

Myth: Sleep is not a priority for health. One dangerous myth is the belief that diet and exercise are more important for overall health. In reality, sleep is crucial for physical health, emotional well-being, and cognitive performance. Lack of sleep can lead to a host of health problems, including obesity and heart disease, both of which are severe problems in the US.

Myth: Less sleep is needed as you age. If that were true, I’d be severely oversleeping. While sleep patterns do change as we age, the need for sleep does not drastically decrease. Adults typically require 7-9 hours of sleep per night.

Myth: Snoring is harmless. Hello? Sleep apnea, anyone? Although snoring is common and sometimes harmless, it can also be a sign of serious breathing and heart issues linked to all sorts of fun diseases including stroke. Here’s a hint: if it’s bothering someone, you might want to get that checked out.

Myth: You can catch up on lost sleep. Many believe that sleeping more on weekends can compensate for sleep lost during the week. Nope. While a little extra sleep can help relieve part of a sleep debt (great, another debt to worry about), it cannot completely make up for the lack of sleep and its effects on the body over a longer period. People who work the third shift tend to be especially ill-affected by this one.

Myth: It’s healthy to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. There are a lot of people, especially those who’ve been in the military, who fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow or sleep in any situation. However, this can actually indicate sleep deprivation. Ideally, falling asleep should take 10-20 minutes. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep too quickly. I have to be careful.

Myth: Alcohol helps you sleep. Not really. While alcohol might help you fall asleep faster, or in places you didn’t intend to sleep, it disrupts your sleep cycle. Particularly interrupted is REM sleep which is important for memory and learning. This leads to poorer quality sleep and, yeah, you’re gonna have a hangover.

There are tons of websites with good advice on getting healthier sleep. If you have lingering questions, especially if you keep waking up during the night, please talk to your doctor. When we’re not getting enough sleep, it’s often because our bodies are trying to tell us something. Heed the call. Get help!

There are plenty of other things to talk about, like the US House of Representatives voting on a TikTok ban, the myth of noncitizens voting, and other silly things such as Kristen Stewart’s wardrobe. Maybe we’ll get to those, maybe we won’t. I already need a shower. I’m not sure I want to wallow in a mess that would have me wanting to take more than one. I do know that it’s supposed to be another beautiful day in the Midwest, so I’m hoping to get some more vitamin D. We’re going to do our best to make this a good day despite having to take on some difficult conversations.

I’m not good with difficult conversations. I’d rather just skip those. We’ll see.

Cancer Update / Morning Update

Morning Update: 3/11/24

March 11, 2024

Sunday was one of those days when I didn’t get dressed. Of course, I always have on a base compression layer that covers everything from my neck down, but I didn’t put on pants or a shirt. I didn’t go outside. I couldn’t find a suitable excuse. The energy required to put on clothes simply wasn’t there.

Perhaps I spent too much energy too early in the day. I did a load of laundry, took a shower, and made pancakes. That took everything I had. This is what no one talks about, the extreme fatigue that takes over and leaves you without any energy, not even enough to think. Consider when I wrote yesterday’s “sermon,” More Than Salad, it took me three hours not because the topic was difficult but because of the frequency with which I had to stop and look up words. One critical word search took more than 20 minutes because there wasn’t a good synonym. This is how the chemo tears away at the brain, relieving me of information that I’ve known for years, guessing at words as though I’d never written before. From my perspective, it feels that it’s only getting worse.

This is why talking to people in person is important. Writing is sometimes too sedate for my brain. My thoughts will wander down rabbit holes while I’m looking for just the right phrase. Conversation requires being there in the moment and replying in real time without editing or spellchecking. The topic doesn’t matter nearly as much as the act of conversing itself.

The night seemed to go well, we were all in bed by 9:30, until a very direct pain hit my forehead just above my hairline a little after 4:00. This wasn’t the radiating type of pain one gets with the typical headache. This is tight, less than a finger’s width, and maybe a half-inch long, and it was initially severe. Being the middle of the night, my brain immediately leaped to the worst possible conclusion: This is what a brain hemorrhage feels like; I’m dying. I then looked at my watch so that I could mark the exact time of my death, in case anyone asked. Obviously, I didn’t die. There’s still a hint of pain there, but I doubt it’s caused by a hemorrhage.

While we were sleeping, the Academy Awards took place. There were no surprises. Oppenheimer won the bulk, closely followed by Poor Things. Once again, the awards were too white, too conservative, and played it much too safe. Killers of the Flower Moon and Maestro were completely ignored. The only nod to Barbie was Billie Eilish for the song, “What Was I Made For.” BTW, having two Oscars at age 22 should tell us that we’re sleeping on Ms. Eilish’s talent. There was more back-patting for having survived last year’s strikes than meaningful dialogue or stirring speeches. The “In Memoriam” section might have been the most interesting part of the whole show. I’ve pretty much given up on the Academy “getting it right” in my lifetime.

Demonstrating just how over-reactive news agencies have become to photo editing, five agencies “killed” a picture of the UK’s Princess Catherine that was shot by the Prince of Wales and posted on the Kensington Palace website. According to the BBC, concern was raised because of an extremely minor adjustment in the Princess’ hand and a skirt alignment issue. These are the type of edits that I would fucking hope any decent photographer would make rather than just letting the image go out into the world looking bad.

Mind you, the photo was taken by Prince William, who is not a professional photographer. It’s a fucking snapshot of a mom and her kids. The Princess admitted to having edited the image herself and apologized for any confusion. In my experienced opinion, the concern and outrage is absolute balderdash (I like that word) and yet another example of how far up their ass agencies have driven the editing stick. What they’re asking of photographers is perfect photos that come right out of the can ready for publishing, no matter who took it. That’s way too much of an ask for how little photographers are paid.

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Cancer Update / Morning Update / Personal

Morning Update: 3/10/24

March 10, 2024

Relaxing Surf — Relaxing in the Surf [Original 2009 photograph with AI background]

Welcome to Daylight Savings Time (DST)! That wonderful time of year when all our animals think we’re absolutely nuts for upsetting their feeding schedules. All 11 of ours have been fed, the dogs have been out, and we’re hanging out together listening to the late Ronnie Milsap’s 1979 album “IMAGE.” So far, everyone seems to be in a good mood. After yesterday’s rough start, a calm morning is appreciated. I may even make pancakes after taking a shower.

Yesterday was pretty quiet around the house. Tipper went to the salon with her mom for a pedicure and then had lunch with her grandmother. Apparently, they discussed the lingering prevalence of negative female stereotypes in anime over an anime-themed McDonald’s meal. Watching this little girl grow up and form her own opinions is one of the greatest joys of my life. The thought that I might not be here as she continues to grow hurts deeply in my soul.

G took advantage of the quiet to play video games that didn’t require him to do coding. The educational aspect diminishes the level of pleasure in playing the game, but he’s nonetheless proud of his accomplishments. He enjoys the solitude he gets in his room on the weekends. At his core, G’s a rather private person. He manages social activity at school through the week but doing so is exhausting. He’s high functioning enough that it’s easy to forget he’s on the autism spectrum and is challenged by social situations. He needs the alone time to recharge for the next week.

Yesterday’s biggest challenge was finding space on the bed so I could nap. The Gang of Five has recently become a steady Gang of Eight. For those who are new, we have a total of nine cats and two dogs in the house. When I first moved into the Recovery Room a year ago, it was a rotating mystery of who was going to settle in here. Not everyone likes the room. Not everyone gets along. Now, Lyndy and Fat Guy snuggle with G and Jack curls up on top of the dog food container. Everyone else is right in here with me, trying to fit on a queen-size bed. Lying down for a nap involves carefully circumnavigating all the bodies, trying to not fall on top of anyone, until I reach a spot on the pillows large enough for my big head. Getting up without someone hissing at me is almost impossible. It’s a snuggly existence, which is nice since no humans want to get that close.

Oh, while I’m thinking about it, we have a huge (three-pound maybe?) log of Canadian bacon in the back of the freezer. It’s been there a while and I’m not totally sure where it came from. I know I didn’t buy it. My question is: what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? The only time I’ve experienced Canadian bacon is on pizza and this is way too much for pizza. Any suggestions? It’s just sitting at the back of the freezer taking up space. I don’t want it to go to waste, but I’m clueless about how to use it in a way that is pleasing to everyone.

I’m laughing at this line in a song, “Put on your high-heeled sneakers we’re going out tonight, And bring your boxing gloves in case some fool wants to fight.” The lyrics are funny enough on their own, but when you remember that Ronnie Milsap was blind, it makes for a hilarious mental image.

Thank you to those who’ve subscribed recently. I do hope you’ll feel free to comment away and create conversations. While I’d much rather be sitting and having coffee with you, this is safer and more practical. This format can ultimately be more fun than any social media platform. And if you do want to have coffee, just let me know!

Cancer Update / Morning Update / Music

Morning Update 3/9/24

March 9, 2024

Night was cut short despite going to bed early. I was still dressed when my head hit the pillow a little after 8 PM. Despite having spent most of the day in bed thanks to all the rain, I felt exhausted. Somewhere along the line, I did finally drop down to my base layer, but even then I wasn’t conscious enough to remember my actions. The possibility existed that I might actually wake up feeling rested.

Until 1:30 AM. Hamilton decided that was an appropriate time to go out. His signals are obvious. He shakes a couple of times, then does a fake sneeze. At that point, my only choice is to either get up, get dressed and take him out or deal with piss in the hallway later. Belvedere is pretty good about holding it for an insanely long time. Not Ham.

Of course, it was raining. We were out for three painfully long minutes before coming back in as quietly as possible, trying to not wake anyone else. I herded the dogs back to the room and shut the door to ensure that they wouldn’t roam around making noise. Ham took that as a signal he needed to jump on the bed and roll all over the place sending cats scattering across the room.

A week has passed now since I last visited Mansion Society. I miss that atmosphere and the chance to sit somewhere other than the Recovery Room and talk with someone. If you’re interested in a morning chat, please let me know. If you don’t do caffeine, they have some great homemade lemonade or original Coke in a bottle with real sugar, the way the gods intended. Consider this your contribution to my continued treatment.

One matter needs clarification this morning. Someone is spreading a rumor that at least three surgeries are necessary after recovering from chemotherapy for CLL. Generally speaking, that information would be wrong. According to the American Cancer Society, it is rare that a splenectomy is necessary after chemotreatment. Surgery does not cure blood cancers. Chemo can put CLL into molecular remission, which is our goal, but no permanent cure exists. Please, stop spreading rumors. My oncologist gets tired of questions they’ve already answered.

Billy Joel’s 1983 album, “An Innocent Man” is on frequent repeat this morning in the Recovery Room. The whole thing. Six hits came from this recording, forming a stylistic foundation for music in the mid-80s. This one is important because it’s recorded during the period he was first dating Christie Brinkley. A song about her even appears on the album. He knew what he was getting into before the wedding.

It’s the lyrics to the title song that keeps me resetting the needle over and over.

Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by.

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie.

…

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began.

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man.

How many people do I know, including myself, who can relate to the song on multiple levels even now? There’s a timelessness to this album that makes it invaluable.

I have more to talk about, but it’s taken two hours and two trips outside with the dogs to get this much written. I’m going to take a break.

Cancer Update / Current Issues

Why Care?

March 7, 2024

Caring Is Just Too Difficult

Not all caring, of course. I care about individual people, how far it is to the nearest coffee shop, and whether one of the dogs has pooped in the hallway. There are always things to care about.

Caring is really difficult, though, when you don’t see any progress and when others who cared begin to give up, and you start feeling alone. Cancer of any kind is a long haul. You don’t really “get better.” You have good days. You have bad days. You’re in remission. You’re in relapse. And what worked for one person doesn’t work for you.

Particular to leukemia, there is a bone marrow disease, myelodysplastic syndrome, that can occur after chemo is completed. The disease can dramatically shorten one’s survival rate. But there’s no way to know if one is likely to get myelodysplastic syndrome until after all the chemotreatment is complete.

There’s also the drain that comes with longer terms of chemo, such as some oral treatments that stretch out at least two years. Two years is an eternity for friends and family who start wishing you’d just “get over it” or “start feeling better.”

People get tired of hearing you ask for help. They get tired of worrying whether you’re safe.

And no, you’re not safe. Ever. There’s always something to worry about. Are you taking your meds on time? Is insurance covering your meds? Do you need to adjust your meds? Will a dizzy spell hit out of nowhere? Will you fall? If you fall will you break something?

What’s more frightening than anything, though, is that people who care just give up and start walking away. Being emotionally alone is scary as hell. Sure, you may be in a “safe” environment, but you don’t know those people, and caring for you is their job, one that doesn’t pay enough, leaves them with sore feet and backs, and has an incredibly high turnover rate. How is anyone supposed to feel safe in that environment?

If caring is too heavy a burden, perhaps the answer is to just be alone, away from everyone. If we cut all ties, that saves everyone the trouble of caring, doesn’t it?

After all, no one wants to be a burden.

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